Death To Everyone - Death To... Tattoos, Phobias & Fruits

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

HI! This week we decided to let our dear space car driver, Matt, a go at picking the topics to discuss. He did pretty well dont you think? Follow us, won't you? ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103

Turn to everyone All right, all right, all right. Welcome back to another episode of Death to Everyone. Sorry? That was a chilling vision of what could be. Look on, Matt. I thought you said we were doing a Matt episode today. Yeah, we are.

We meant DoorMat episodes. We talk about doormat. What do you think about those mats? in New York where those guys roll themselves up inside carpet and lay across the footpath so they can get stepped on oh is it like a fetish fetish well like a bit like actually or just for like content no no no like fetish because they haven't made content on it it's other New Yorkers being like you know how we all know about this thing right and then like so it was like yeah I step on them I want them to have it did it did it do there's two distinct guys

Are they high? Well, they're inside a rug. No one's to know. Wait, do you see, there's their little head poking on? No, no, it's like, if you were to see a rug lying across, it's like usually near a construction site. So it might be like, where you might put a rug to cover over like a cable or raised beam except it's just a giant rolled up rug lying across the footpath.

Yeah. And like, occasionally if you stand on it, it goes like, oh. Do they think people know, like, don't, don't they think people don't know they're in there? A majority of people don't. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like our seizure guy. What?

What guy? Oh, the guy who pretends to have seizures all the time. Zelda Moon. Seizure guy. He pretends to have seizures and then touches people, doesn't he? Do you remember that time when I was leaving your house? Yeah. In, when you were in Carlton.

And then there was a guy that was walking across the nature strip who's had a seizure. Yes. And I stopped and these other couple stopped and he was seizing. And he was like, hold me down. Hold me down. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. So I didn't realize at the time. But so anyway, guy is like, get on top of me. Get on top of me. Hold me down. Get on top of me. And it's like shaking. And then I'm like, my no fucking seizure knowledge as is like, wait a second.

And this isn't how seizures work. And so then, like, after I've kind of, like, been, like, can I, can I get someone for you? Can I get the, like, I can call an ambulance? Well, you were sitting on him. He asked him to put your face in his, your ass in his face. And I took off my pants and I rode that seizing dig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he asked for.

He needed help. I don't know. I'm not a medical professional. I just, a good Samaritan. Oh, good camaritan. Seamanarian. Samaritan Anyway, but then he

I was like, I'm gonna go now Like eventually After it became like, I was like Oh, this is weird And then the other couple I was like, I'm just gonna And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go And then we all left and went our own ways

And like turned back and in the night I could see him like stand up And kind of dust himself off And continue on his way But it came to light that he was doing that a lot And he was like You know how the carrot man walks around with a giant carrot.

I was going to say the caravan. Yeah, seizure man walks around forcing people to sit on him while he has a seizure. But, like, I was like, oh, the delights of Melbourne. And I didn't realize that I was part of, like, a collective of people that had been, like, witness or whatever to the seizure man. Like Katie Perry. But then he got arrested and taken to a court by one of the people who... Sat on him. Yeah, one of the people who sat on him while he was having the seizure.

Yeah. Which, I think, really for me, brought. to light a very interesting set of emotions because number one I was like oh my my threshold for weirdness and odd things happening to me is so low so high that like I didn't even like feel compromised by that moment no I was like because like in the claim laid against seizure man he was like this this guy who sat on top of him was like I felt like you know this deep indignant and like I was like really embarrassed and da-da-da-da-da and like I'm up like this person has like acted like yeah yeah yeah and I was like that I'm not here to speak for the other

people that have experienced this man but I did not feel any of that I was like ah the big city that's what it's like to live in Melbourne sometimes there's someone who's getting their jollies off you know you're trying to help them while they're having a seizure yeah and that's just the way it is in this town the big smoke yeah But anyway, so seizure man, and also, like, I am distinctly aware that if you are faking seizures for sexual gratification in the street to strangers, yeah, everything in your life is not going perfectly, you know? Yeah, you don't need to be sued as well. Yeah, I was like, I don't know that we need to make a criminal out of this person.

I think, if anything, we need to try and help. What was the crime? I asked someone, no, not me, but he asked someone to sit on him, and then someone said, yeah, all right, I see no criminal, just a wholesome interaction between two strangers in the street. And so they took him to court. Oh. Seizure man was in court, and then of course what came tumbling out from his defense was that he was a victim of a very, like, complex PTSD triggered by like childhood trauma. and lots of lots of lots of

fucked up shit happening to this man and that they were just like okay we're gonna send you instead of like sending you to prison or anything like that we're going to just get you into some quite intense like therapy

which is arguably a good outcome but I'm just like we like that's yeah it's scary if that could have gone another way and he could have been like put away or something and it's like that means it's like It's not well. Yeah.

You're not doing that if you're well. No. Anyway. That was my experience with seizure men. And that's why this is the mad episode. Do you think that, because we don't know who's under those rugs. Yeah. Well.

Seizure man part two? Maybe. If they start shaking. Doesn't need to pretend to have a seizure under the rug. That's right. It's one or the other. Yeah. It's like, my rug's having a seizure.

Quick, sit at a jump on it. Everyone loves sitting on. rugs sometimes I'm stepping on them yeah um but my name's Zelda moon and what's your name oh I'm lazy Susan ah and that's Matt and this is space car driver Matt hi and this is his episode to celebrate his birthday happy birthday Maddie happy birthday happy birthday thank you so much yeah I've been waiting for this all year oh this is your moment so um Matt as this is your birthday episode we're going to just make sure that we use category Suggested by Matt

Which he was like These are the ones that are the closest to my heart That mean the most to me He's been thinking of them Every week he writes one down And we like looked at them all And said these are the acceptable ones Yeah yeah yeah

The standard of the show Yeah So yeah excited to look at those Matt Big week for you Matt Big week for Maddie boy Turning 25 Big week I put a little PowerPoint presentation together

Every week Yeah at the end of the episode be like no time for the president this week man you'll have to make a new one for next week and then i go home and cry in my bath well you should try having a seizure on the street yeah maybe then i'll get some attention maybe god all the help that you serve dearly need um okay yeah so and zelda yeah how are you good i'm She's crying listeners. She's crying at the moment.

No, we've both had quite an exhausting week of relentless projects and work. I had to tell someone off last night at work. Incredible. At my work at the moment, we're like, the store is just like really, really busy. And so we've had team from an external company come in to help us. process things and just do tasks. Your feelings. Oh, finally.

You know what? They did help me process some feelings, actually. So, yes, you're right. And just the issue with that is that it's different people all the time. And they're not our employees. So investing half the shift in training them to do the second half and then you never see them again isn't the best use of anyone's time. but so it's just a little bit tricky to best use them it's like we need them but it's just a tricky

relationship but anyway last night I was at work and I was quite tied up in a thousand different things and then I returned to like my kind of work area to find them all slacking off a listening to a very loud techno music which is not really appropriate for the current workplace and the workload that we were trying to get through. Trying to get through all those loads. So I was like, who's, who's music is this? What's, what's been going on? So I had to turn it off.

Was it a little Yui boom? It wasn't, it was like Booty Boo Boo, Yooey Boom. Booty Boo, Timu, Ui Boo. Yeah. Yeah. It's loud though. Anyway, I know, I love playing music at work. Do you?

But through the main sound system. No. I bring in my Uy boom. Oh, God. Corporate verified music. Yeah. Corporate approved. No, no, but it's just.

like you guys not this also it was like too loud anyway that was the first nail in the coffin and then they were just misbehaving like laughing in the corridors not working there's a lot of work here to do today girls there's actually so much going on and i want us to have a good time but we can do that while getting through the work whistle while you work well exactly just to not too loudly and then

one of the team come over to like where all the phones are for some reason like whether you need your phone are their phones that you took off at them I didn't take their phones

I don't know why they appeared at my desk anyway and then there was a point where one of the team came over the phone basket please and do they all have their own desks the hired

team no No, so you're there on the desk No, my God Do you have like a big wooden desk? No You sit at the front of smoking your cigars Swivel chair behind it A giant extendable pointer

But you can point to the clock I did find a hook That I've kept I need to, it's so good Anyway It's like on this long stick With a little hook end Anyway

Is that for hooking your stuff? Yeah, you can't go back to hook And get back here Right So if someone comes over to like get her phone or whatever at what time and I was like during well you just wait and see so then I'm like did you need your phone to do the task that you're on she was like well no I was just going to put my charger in my bag and I said oh well maybe you could

do that at the end of your shift instead of during it yeah and while you're out of one thing too many yeah yeah and then why stop there take your bag outside into the rain yeah and just keep walking darling because you're done here i didn't ever want to see you again i dare you and if i see you in the street the insubordination yeah so anyway it was quite funny and my actual team were there and then afterwards they were whispering about it saying oh he was really mad did you see the ice queen today yelling at that poor girl she said my dad's on the iron lung I needed to check my phone

because it's any moment now that they could need me to fly in and you said darling right now those boxes aren't going to unpack themselves that's right I'm your father

so anyway that was my highlight for the week but did you say that that helped you kind of address some feelings you've been having

well I actually like hated every single moment of it. And then I was so mad that I had to, like, leave. Jesus, true. I was like, I'm going on break. I need to get out of you. Where did you go on break?

I went just down Swanson Street. And I was so angry that I, like, couldn't even, like, I couldn't even pick what to eat for my break. It actually ruined my break. And then I just went to 7-Eleven and I bought an egg and lettuce sandwich. Oh, that sounds terrible. And then I came back and by that point, they're all gone. That's why.

With the egg crumbs. around your mouth on your mustache. I came back and then all of my team caught them talking about it being like, he was really mad and then I came in and I was like, oh, well, what's this?

Back to it. No, no, then we all laughed about how I was mean to the poor hired team. But they were being so rude. Yeah. Oh, I couldn't abide it. Well, it's good you did it with the hired team

I mean, not your team, because I think that's probably going to make it, like, a stronger bond between you, them. It's an out-group and an in-group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I would never speak to you like that. Well, here's the thing I would. Yeah, I know, but they might think, like, you could say that. But in their back of the mind, they're thinking, maybe, if I pushed her too far, maybe.

Yes, so I've now instilled the fear in them without having to actually scold them. Yeah, it's good. You actually were very smart about it. Wow. It's like you planned it all along. Waited for the weakest, most vulnerable, financially insecure woman to show up in front of her. She could afford that phone charger. Well, only one.

The speaker. The booty booze speaker. Yeah. But anyway. She's gone now. It's good. Yeah. She'll never be back.

That's right. So that happened. Re-bitumening the highway about now. What else happened? I don't know. God, telling people off. yeah that's a luxury i don't know yeah it's a luxury

i mean no you have to have power to tell people there's no one in my like there's no one i can tell up hmm you're at the bottom of the food chain yeah everyone that i'm working with i'm like collaborating with them so like thankful for their time that i'm like i can't ever sass them because i'm so sorry but oh god

and then what did you watch Project Railway this week Oh wait that's the top model Yes I did Oh Fuck that top three If you haven't watched If you haven't watched

If you haven't watched Project Romay this week Scoop ahead five seconds But um What the fuck That fucking white fucking leather skirt And jacket Was the most fucking

Like TEMU shit Like And when they were talking about Like Exactly what Ethan said of just like, it looked off the rack. Everything in that top just looked like country Western costuming. Yes.

There was no like fashion element. Yeah. Yeah. And when they were talking to Utica and just being like, we feel like we've seen this before. I'm like, you had a white leather, fringed jacket and a belt top. And you said, oh, it feels like we've seen the other beautifully done snake skin outfit. Yeah. Are you kidding?

Boo. even when they were like oh I've only the laces with a pick a color from the snake skin or whatever that would have elevated it oh shut up also the black laces look cool yeah it was cool

at the edge it's weird very strange and the way they're just like tacked on a bunch of cowboy hats oh the cowboy hats also those twin brothers are not very good

they're the devil yeah they're the devil kerchin was saying that he thinks those identical twin brothers on Project runway had fucked what he was like the energy is like this their butt they kissed each other on the lips did you see that no on the runway when they both got on the top they were like oh my god yeah

i think it was kiss on the lips that's just how twins are i think well what else do they kiss you know i see it now actually yeah yeah um and what about that zach posen yeah yeah he's working for The Gap. Oh, whatever. I was like, Jesus. Yeah. She found her corporate job. Right.

Yeah. But that was fun. Yeah. What about you? What's going on? So Zelda and I were doing a side quest, which if you listen to this podcast, you can't tell anyone about our little side quest, but if it does happen, then you have to tell everyone about our side quest.

But we were basically, while I've been in. in trying to get my feature film made, which is going well, but it's a slog. My producers and I were like, well, the producers were like, what can we do in the interim?

What sort of can we get some other project going? And then producer Annie reminded producer Lauren that many, like a year or two ago, Zelda and I had applied for ABC Fresh Blood for a show that we'd had a concept for, which I won't tell you yet. Because hopefully then it gets picked up

And you guys will all be surprised and delighted But we were like And like it was just such a debilitating process Whereas like we'd applied for ABC Fresh Blood Which is like this program Where they make like short sketches That go like comedy sketches that go on ABC I view

And then one or two of those get picked up to a pilot And then one of those pilots gets picked up to series on ABC and we were like well let's try like the budget you get for making your three little sketches is 50 grand which is nothing because you have to pay everyone the flat minimum rate for the industry which is quite expensive and you're going to have like a lot of people on set so you essentially would be like we're going to have to shoot three things in three days which is quite a lot um but yeah so we submitted for that it was quite a lot of work and then got nowhere yeah just like got a rejection email didn't get any kind of follow up or anything and it was like oh you specific

feedback no it was like we'd actually like the amount of work that they ask from you makes the fact that they just send you an email so like are you fucking kidding me yeah like no yeah like and it's like and it's like and i found out later that it's like when those are assessed it's just like one person in a room this is like no kind of control or anything to be like yeah Anyway, so we didn't get picked up of that and thank God because all those people that did get picked up for fresh blood made their stuff put in all this work

our good friend Irvi and like stuff had like got picked up to do the pilot and then the new head of the ABC came in and was like no we're not doing any programs to appeal to young people anymore we are just going to focus in on our core demographic of dying boomers

because they're still watching like regular TV and I'm like maybe it's because you guys haven't updated your fucking programming and it's just 10,000 panel shows with the same five comedians on loop maybe you should consider doing something new and exciting that people actually want to watch reflecting i don't know how television has changed but that's just an idea but how about you just lean in until the fucking abc is dead um anyway then we went across to sbs going for the sbs originals program

which once again asks you to make a video pitch. So it was like asking more shit from you. And we applied for that. And then we got an email saying, no, thank you. Saying no. Which is ridiculous because it's like you've asked too much to now just send an email. You can do a call. Yeah.

Sorry. But if we're taking like days and days and days and days and days of work doing like video. Yeah. yeah just to do like no no then you can just do a preliminary round where you weed out like everyone who's not going to make it pass you know like just with a really small amount of input yes anyway um so years pass and now we're like okay we're going to apply one more time with the same project the same concept the same idea and see what happens and so listener it was and we're like oh we have all the materials it's going to be fine we can

just submit the Screen Australia application is like that on crack. It's like the next level of the most work that you could consider doing to try and possibly get money and also possibly not. Project that doesn't yet exist. You have to treat it as if it is going into production next week. Yeah. Like everything. Everything. Budgets, schedules. Like, yeah. It basically have to have like not a stone untow. all the scripts, every single word in place, every single, like, element, exactly how you're going to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. But here's the thing. The concept is amazing. I hope we actually get the money this time. I'd be so sick. There is, like, when, because you've now written, like, a full, like, mini-series, essentially, and the story is so good, and it's so fun, and it's so close to exactly. resisting that we just give us the money.

Give us the money. Let us make it. Let us do something with our lives. Yeah. Yeah, but that's what's been happening. I literally just sat in front of my computer for like 14 hours one day. Just like, it was just sick. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I also just remembered that I had my work conference this week, which was fun. What did you learn? But the highlight was that part of it was held at this new, hotel on the Yarra and quite like nice hotel lots of like wood and plants that was cute but more importantly outside there was an adult scaled playground and best believe I was on that trampoline I was bouncing from trampoline to trampoline there like spider man webs and I was like up there and everyone was so shocked that I was right up there and then I like jumped down and

everyone was shocked. They were like, we've never seen you move so quickly before. It's like, it's a playground. And what did they, did anyone else get on with you? No one got on the Spider-Man ropes, but we were all jumping on that trampoline pretty good. Having fun. Yeah. Laughing. Oh, it was actually so fun. A bunch of giggling Gerties. Playgrounds. Who would have thought? Adult-sized playgrounds, bring them back. I did see the world where I fell off that Spider-Man rope and broke my arm or something, but that didn't happen. Was it Tanbark or that spongy rubber stuff. Spongy!

I hate that spongy rubber. You know what? No, it was a delight. I was like, imagine if every floor was like this. Spongy? Yeah. You roll around. So comfortable.

Do you know what? Actually, recently, I saw my favorite playground, which is the one, the Fitzroy North's children's playground. Favorite playground. Oh my God, they've done such a good job. That one that looks like Lord of the Flies.

Yeah. So, like, because I walk past it every day I was going to the library to work on my scrimmed. And so they ripped out their, like, existing playground and put in what, like, just the most mesmerizing, pure wood playground that looked like, you know, there was like a hut and there was like a full, like, yeah, it just looked very cool. The aesthetic was impeccable. And then they surrounded it with ferns and, like, all this cool stuff.

So it looked like it was like, yeah, a jungle scene. And then there was like. It looks like the home, the, the apes live in and planet. Yeah, that aesthetic. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. But then the thing that annoyed me was that they were so close to the finish line and then they added sand as the like, as the material underneath the whole playground. Sand?

Yeah. Oh, how am I? For the plague, like, imagine the classrooms just covered, imagine your kids come home from school covered in sand. Sand. Like, it's just like, that's the worst thing. The sand was the finest part of the playground. Yeah, but confined into a sand pit, perhaps. But the whole thing can't be a sand pit, surely.

Yeah, also, it just like, it's not practical. Oh. Like, Tanbuck, at least the chunks are big enough that, like, it's a pretty quick cleanup. Yeah, a little brush off. Yeah, whereas sand, it's like, that gets into everything. And kids can it, like, ugh. Yeah.

I hate sand. Yeah. And you just stop. Gets into you, it's coarse. And when it's wet? Rough. Like, wet tan bark is over. Okay, wet sand.

Well, it just drains right through. Wet sand. Yeah. Oh. What am I at the ocean? And it was like, and it's this really bright white next to the wood. And I was like, I want you to just, just, you're so close. She put some dirt in there and make it look a bit more natural.

Well, it will be dirty soon. Tell you what, little fuckers. It's like a kitty litter. Yeah, exactly. I mean, like, I just, like, if you don't want to have rubber. bunching materials because the whole thing is natural, that's good. But it's got to be like, and I don't know, maybe they stopped doing tan buck because so many kids had, like, giant pieces of tanback lodged beneath their fucking kneecaps.

But it's got to be something. You've got to learn somehow. Otherwise, they'll be, you know, I don't know. Like, what about river rocks? And then be like, why, what's this? Like, it's a splinter. You'd know about this if it went for all the sand. That's right.

And all the rubber. Mm. What did you say? Rocks? Yeah, maybe like small river rocks. Oh, smoothed with time. Yeah.

I like that. Like tiny. Tiny. Like, how tiny? Like pebbles? Yeah, like smaller than pebbles. Gravel? Like a tumbled gravel.

Mmm, smooth. Do you think there's a playground somewhere where it's all like... Amethyst stone. Jagged rocks. Crazy. You fall, you die. Yeah. That's how it is.

in the real world. You know, like, if you come from, like, a mining town, I'm sure. Just playing the quarry. Yeah, like, I remember there was, like, a town that used to exist that was famous for doing blue asbestos and naturally mined asbestos. And my friend went there. This town is, like, a ghost town now. There's still, like, 36 people that live there, but they've taken it off the mountains.

They're dying out. I wonder how. Yeah. And there's, like, photos in the, like, there's, like, one pub in this town. literally is not on the maps because they had to take it off because it's a biohazard to go there. But there's people that have been born and raised there and never left. And it's like Outback Australia, Western Australia, I think. And there are like photos in the main pub there or like the one little social area that you can go to if you come through town.

Of like kids playing in sand pits that were completely asbestos. Like not sand. Is that crazy? Oh, the lungs would be so spiky. Literally, they're just like statues in the other room. But yeah, isn't that crazy? I don't like it. Birthday boy.

Yeah. Do you want to talk about anything else? No, let's get stuck in. Ah, well. We're on a schedule today. Since it's your episode. I've got a party to organise. What's your apocalypse?

Oh, I'm doing the apocalypse. Yeah, why not? It's your birthday, Matt. All right, even. Happy birthday, Sarah. Happy birthday, Sarah. Happy birthday All right, well

What about if I'm just spitballing here I haven't got anything prepared I don't think about apocalypses I just think about topics What would happen if All the farm animals started To rise up

Yeah Against their owners Because there's probably a large population Of people Pigs, chickens, pigs, cows, other farm animals. Because we eat a lot of that stuff. Yeah. So they start to get quite hungry as well.

And it's sort of like a zombie apocalypse, but they're fully organized. They have, you know, leaders, commanders in chief, everything. And they start a little farm yard animal army. And they just start sweeping over the earth and eating everyone. Those pigs. The tables have been turned. That is very good, Matt. Thank you.

Oh, thanks. I live for the praise. The barnyard topic just came so easily. Do you like barnyards, Zolba? Yeah, I do. A lot. Oh, I went to the farm last week with my daughter. I was kind of

This one in Eltham Called Edendale Farm Eton Dale Eden Dale They had goats Oh goats They had alpacres Greasy goats

Cheaps Do you look at the alpacres in the eye No You're not allowed to That's right I was just checking Test you passed Yeah

You have to get on your knees And go towards them With your hands outstretched I want to sit on your knees You can neither Go on me your leave That song is about alpacas, yes I'm doing everything to keep you by your side

Because she says she loves you love you love your long time She's a man to make your way That could be their theme song The animals theme song Nelly knew what's up At the barnyard Okay Well that's fabulous

Okay Pigs Well just all the animals All the animals, sheep's. Oh, yes. Jugongs. Yeah. Well, do not farm animals?

I guess they're sea cows. So I guess it's not all animals. No, just the farm animals, the ones that are being processed for meat. Dear. Jesus. Venison. What a fabulous word. That would be a good drag name for you.

Venison. Venison. It kind of is. Venison, Luxurial, Lecraw, the smear. Venison, St. Clair. Yeah. Yeah, venison. Now, welcome to the stage.

Venison. Do venison. Hmm. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, let's have a break, and then we'll come back. Yeah. We've had a break, and now we're back. Hello.

It's Matt's birthday. Happy birthday, Matt. Happy birthday. Thank you. I'm 21 today. You get any presents this morning? No, I have to open them later after school. I mean, after work.

After work, yeah. Okay. Well, let's dive in. Okay. Matt's suggestion number one. Oh, well. From my list. Yeah.

Oh, my God. My presentation's not floating. All right, what about we do? Tattoos. Like, Which tattoos? They're not going to get us. Yeah, which tattoo song?

Which that is classic. Fake lesbians. Were they fake? Yeah. They were put together by a record producer. What was the name, what was their actual name to hold? Tattoo. Tattoo.

Tattoo. Tatu. T-A-T-U. That was probably around two. thousand was it not gonna kill us yeah I think like they sang I don't think she said all the things you said running through my hand running through my hand this is not in you know yeah it's funny that their whole thing was being like rushed women yeah Russian Russian but it felt like there was like an impending doom as well like yeah you know like they were on the run or like there was a repelian or something Yeah, like the girl who kicked the hornet's nest. Yeah, some sort of conspiracy behind it all. And there was.

They weren't lesbians. The lesbians were coming from them. That's right. They're not going to get us. Is that like, that is such an early example of like queer baiting in a way. What do you think about queer baiting? I hate it. Oh.

Like, I hate it. I hate it. But you know what I hate more? than queer baiting. So obviously like straight guys or whatever who like make OnlyFans content or whatever or just fucking lame thirst traps who like know what they're doing.

But what's worse? What the fuck? Gay people. I know you're gay and that you're not bi. And when I see bye on your fucking grinder or sniff his profile, I know that you're a faggot. Okay.

Stop lying. Stop lying about it. It's not the day of visibility yet. There is this like, I mean if you're actually bisexual, that's fine. But like, there are people that I know, like, know are gay. Yeah. And then I see their dick on sniffies and I'm like, oh, I know that dick.

And then I'm like, bye. Yeah. Buy. Yeah. Fuck off. You think they just don't want to limit their options. I think they're something like, expanding their options because, like, all of a sudden you have the mystique of being like straight slash buy and that's the gay fantasy.

But you're gay. Mm-hmm. Get real. You're gay. Gay. um oh my god what do you think about that footballer that came out that was so good yeah i actually cared about that yeah i was like you go bitch because

fuck what the fuck is happening how do we have the most homophobic sport in the whole world yeah yeah it's pretty it's pretty wild that no one has ever come out it's it just is like in 150 years yeah it's like if you think that that's just because no gay men it's like when they were like it wasn't iran's government were like, we don't have any gay people that look here. It's just like AFL's just like, yeah, well, we just don't have that. And it's like, imagine

the culture that there would have to be for not a single troop in your army of heterosexual boys in short shorts to fall out of line in 120 years. Like, imagine the fear that would have to exist and it's not

it's not an accident. Isn't there a big old sissy fag on Collingwood? Isn't there that little fruit loop? That's what someone got banned for five weeks For saying the other day Oh, that doesn't seem inappropriate Of course, people fags all the time

Well, you would absolutely get, you know Don't silence me That's my word I don't know, I mean Isn't there? Isn't there a gay guy? No There isn't, that's literally

Yeah, but that guy's not gay He's by I sorry, sniff his profile Yeah, well that's right I feel like, you know There was, wasn't it? He was, wasn't it? He felt safe to come out because he's not playing football anymore.

Who was that diva who just had, like, podcast mouth, um, who's like a famous Australian performer, something who? Podcast mouth. Like, she just said something on a podcast that was like really proper queer air. Oh, it was, um, Danny Minogue. I kind of. I think she just outed someone live on Australia's got talent.

Did she? She outed someone on Australia's Got Talent Really? Yeah, she was like You shouldn't have changed the pronouns in that song Like you should have Kept the pronouns the same or something Like seeing about a man or something to this guy

Oh, because you're a big faggot Yeah, and it's like Well, that's what everyone thinks And he was like I am I love that Who's that really hot NRL player from Queensland Who isn't gay but is an ally

And now has a shaved head Love that guy I don't know what the fuck you are I don't know what you guys are talking about. It was Betty Who. Do you know Betty Who? Betty Who is like a queer, sorry, this is like a podcast mouth, Betty Who, Renee Rap. Betty Who got in trouble recently for saying on a podcast that, like, talking about being

discriminated against in the queer community because she has a male partner, even though like she kind of is, has always been like queer coded and like, da-da-da. And people like, bisexual is like this? And then she was like, I'm being. discriminated against, and Renee Rapp, famous lesbian, like, if she ever wanted to come out as not a lesbian, I'd be okay with that. And everyone was just like, shut up. Yeah. It's interesting. Hmm. Let's move on. Let's go on to tattoos, because it's my episode. Yeah. It's my party. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that all the things she said is better than not going

to get us. No. Yeah. We want to do tattoos that are inked onto your body. Oh. I mean,

I guess you could get those lesbians tattooed onto your tramp stamp area and then you could put a little thing under it that says not going to get us

with an arrow to your hole. Is that what you want for your birthday, Matt? I do not want that. Oh. Just on the record. Do you have any tattoos,

Matt? I've got one. Wait, what? Where? Well, you have to find. Find out. What?

No, I've got a little, um, I've got a F-hole tattooed on my arm. Sorry? It's not what I was expecting to come out of your mouth, man. What? So on the violin, do you know those like curvy sound holes that are... Sound holes? They're in the shape of an F, and they're like a curvy F on the sides. So you've got an F-hole on your...

On my left arm, yeah. God, there's lots of, um, that's such a, like, that is such a weird, like, horny tattoo of, like, people who have it down their back, like, I'm a big instrument. Oh, yeah, like the man ray picture. Yeah, totally. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. Well, who knew?

You got a big hole. Yeah, why did you get that, Matt? I think I, when I was, like, at uni, studying violin, partly I like, I like the shape. of it. And I was like, yeah, I was like, it's musical, but it's not a treble clef, do you know what I mean? Mm. Um, and it's like a bit more specific to my instrument. But I was also like, I've got to prove that I'm, you know, a worthy musician. You know, I was like kind of like a little bit of that underneath. Like, if I get a tattoo of my violin, then I'm committed to, you know, playing violin for the rest of my life and all that kind of stuff, I think. So it's cool. It looks nice. I like it.

It's just a little one underneath my hand. Under your hand. Underneath my hand. I got told off as well about Alien Earth from Backstrike Queen and Vibe. I could have been told off about Alien Earth as well. I'm like, fuck. Wake up, losers. It's terrible. Fucking awful. And do you know what? I re-watched Mars Express last night with my husband, the anime, like French anime.

And fuck me, that is so good. and like an example of exactly what alien earth should have been, which is like a fully lived in sci-fi world where like every single piece of tech is like a whole, like whole article in and of itself. Like it's just like everything is so cool and thought about that you're just like, oh. You only like it because that woman looks like Gwyneth.

Yeah, the main woman does look like Gwinnett. but there's like a bit in the film where they're like driving in their super fast you know electric car and then they get into a car crash and like the whole car fills with like an expanding foam goo and like they're just like pressed and like completely held in space by this like it's rapidly inflating goo and it's like that's not like really part of the plot but it's just like a one little touch that's just like every single scene has like five weird tech ideas that like are just in the background, and it's so good. Anyway, alien I should have more of that stuff

instead of just like, it's a computer. I'm back to watching it with my friend, so I have not seen the latest. I haven't. That's because I'm never going to. Yeah, people said we were too hard on it, but I say they didn't watch it closely enough. Well, Matt, it's his birthday, so, you know.

Yeah. But I'm just like, I know what I like. And I ain't going to waste time on things I don't like. That's brave. Yeah. Yeah. And so which tattoo song gets into that? Okay, tattoos.

You don't have any tattoos? You have some, don't you? Lazy Susan? Or both of you? I have two tattoos. Yeah, you say. I have a little apple on my ankle. What does that stand for?

Well, I got it done with my sister when I was 18. and we were visiting New York which is where our parents met and fell in love and that's how we came to be so it was like very like oh this is like the story of our family and then my sister and I'd always said like I'd never get it said to you like fuck that

because I was like I wouldn't take a picture done by someone and leave it on my wall for all time so why would I take a picture drawn by a stranger and leave it on my ankle for all time but then my sister came to me one way in the hostel in New York and she was like do you want to get a tattoo tomorrow and I was like no no and then she's like oh we'll just have a thing and then I thought about it and I was like well actually why not like just do it don't overthink it get it done and then like that's it and so I was like okay fine fuck it

and then we went and got tattoos and my sister was like actually I'm not going to get one and then

you are going to get one and then she got like a little snowflake on her foot and then yeah but it was just

very like very funny and then we'd kind of kept it a secret from our dad when he came because he

came to New York like a week later and then we were like still you know in the healing process

and then it was like keeping it a secret pretending we didn't have these like bandaged feet and ankle yeah and then when my dad found out he's like oh that's so cool maybe i should get a tattoo as well and we're like no it's only us oh my god sorry loser oh wow and then i got my uh upper arm tattooed on my left side which was done by mama pokes back when um they were doing tattoos. I think they've retired now because they had RSI because I think tattooing is a lot and they do stick and poke tattoos

and design this fabulous like little four set of stick and poke images that are inspired by Torch Song Trilogy the Harvey Firestein film. But yeah, you called it your ankle quite a few times do you think that's the ankle? That's an ankle.

Oh, I just wouldn't call it a canckel. No, actually. I call it the most divine. Straight up and down. Oh, all right. Yeah. Just from here.

Anyway, um... A knee ankle? Um, I like that. I don't have any tattoos. Because you want to get buried in the cemetery in Japan. Maybe. But I do have... I always say that it's like...

Like, well, I've got Vidaligo, and my skin is already two colors. It's probably enough going on. But I... You don't want one over the Vidaligo that says, just me. No. You don't? Born this way? Yeah.

No. No matter of games, they'll try. Sorry? Lesbian or me in LA. What do you think about knuckle tattoos? Hot. I love tattoos. You love tattoos.

Yeah. What would it say if you had one on your knuckles? Um Get bent I don't know I don't know What do you think about ugly tattoos Love them

Yeah I just Yeah it's like movies Good bad I don't care I'll see it Yeah That's fun

Yeah Like And I think that Yeah What are like Fabulous tapestry of things Do you know actually Who

And she listens to the pods So hello there are a lot of really bad like IP tattoos but Mandy Moves has the coolest Pokemon tattoos on her forearms that look like they're almost black and white I think and just like fully like they look like ink drawing so it's kind of like you can't tell

it doesn't look like a Pokemon illustration it looks like it's been transformed enough that it's like quite chic. It's a bit of like a different artistic version. Yeah, that's very cool. I just like, I love, yeah, I love tattoos. Like, so many friends that are like head to toe covered, like. So many friends like that.

So many. But, like, it's so fun. I love, like, people with just one and it pulls all the focus. And then people with 100 and they get a new one and you just never know. I was looking at BG's arm the other day. So it's like, have you got more? Yeah. Like, and it's just, that's so fun.

Yeah. Um, yeah, I don't love the colors so much, though. Sometimes the colors look a bit funny. Yeah. You know, like Simpsons tattoos. Yeah. Mm. They look a bit strange on skin.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the yellow. Yeah. Yellow on skin is always a bit like, like. I'm looking at the yellow in my tattoo right now. Have you got yellow on yours? In the apple, I was so, like, obsessed with this idea that the apple should have like, um, you know, whatever.

like you should have like a bit of yellow in it like you should not be like a perfectly colored out but I was also obsessed with the idea of a color tattoo because I was like oh I feel like everyone's getting black and white like line drawing tattoos and I was like I want a bit of color and um yeah I'm probably glad it's on my ankle like it's not an ugly tattoo

it's just like it's not a tattoo that I think about it all yeah yeah um the only tattoo I've really considered which is so lame is like the trice force on the back of my palm. What is a triforce? Like the... Matt.

What's that? Like the triforce from Zelda. And I was going to get it in UV ink. Oh, God. Just like in Ocarina of Time, how it just glows every now and then. Why don't you do that? I was just going to get the triangle filled that Zelda has, which is wisdom. That was my plan, but I never did it.

Because what a stupid fucking idea. Oh, you get that? No, no, no. I would, maybe, you sang before about getting it with your sister. I'm like, I would maybe think of a world where, like, the Beastie Girls got, like, not matching tattoos, but, like, if the three of us went. The Olympic rings. Yeah, maybe, maybe.

The Lord of the Rings quits. Yeah, but I wonder what that would be if we got a trio tattoo. Yeah, something fun. Yeah. You'd have to get your three colors. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, true.

I don't know. But yeah, none. That stupid, your friend Kevin or whatever, has the bender tattoo on his butt. Oh, his bender from Futurama. Yeah. And that's really hot and stupid. His ass is like fucking crazy. I know that you can't tolerate him.

I also can't tolerate him, but you can't deny that he's got an incredible ass. Yeah. And he has that fun tattoo that's from that show. So that's good. So what are we thinking? Were you thinking a picture or words? Well, that's the thing. I like, there's the north side like, yeah,

a Tick and Poki style tattoo. There is the, like, sailor tattoo, traditional, like, Japanese style. Because one of my, my friend Claire has an ex And he just had his name tattooed on his bum Just said, actually, I think I said Matt It just, and it's just Matt on his butt Why would he do that?

His own name? Because he's crazy, yeah He's just like, see a boy or whatever, I actually don't even care I just got it done at a house party with this one time Yeah, there's no sorts of tattoos as well where people just like, I don't care. Whatever you do is fine. And then it's like wobbly little stick figure or something.

We were wobble. Yeah. I remember like people getting tattoo guns and like practicing on themselves. And then like their legs were just like a sea of random shitty tattoos. Yeah. I do love that laser land or whatever, electric laser or whatever. There's like a tattoo shop in Collingwood and then next to it is a tattoo removal shop. with like a lady flying on an orca through space with a laser gun.

And I'm like, makes me want to get a tattoo removal. Yeah. But yeah, I think once that it was out of my system, I was like, I don't really want to like, I'm not like chomping at the bit essentially to like get another tattoo. There's this porn guy who used to have like a. Gert Brooks with his Superman tattoo. No. Oh, in that area?

I don't know. But he had, like, on his, like, little tum a, like, marijuana leaf, which, like, what a... But then, maybe, like, a year or whatever ago, he got it covered. And I was like, I think covering tattoos is, like, I don't know, own it. That's funny. But anyway, he covered it and turned the marijuana leaf into a grenade. Cool. No, not cool.

I was like, what the fuck, man? What have you got to? against grenades. It's like, you, that it just doesn't make sense to me at all. More lives are taken by marijuana addiction than by grenades. Than by old school grenades every year.

It's like, ew, and it's not even, I was like, oh, no, maybe it is. Maybe I'm lying. I was like, maybe it's like the grenade from that stupid Blink 182 thing or whatever. Isn't that an album cover, a grenade? American idiot? I don't know. And if that's the tattoo,

then I guess that's okay but why the fuck you're getting a grenade tattooed on your little tom you fuck guys for a living you know those two things are not mutually exclusive aren't they

going off like a grenade in someone's ass yeah exactly it's a metaphor anyway yeah I mean like full-color tattoos quite a lot I'm like I'm so excited

to see what this like our generation's morgue photos are going to be like just all these like faded ugly bender tattoos on people's air. Yes. I do like when you see like a generational shifts in tattoo styles. Like that star that everyone in the 2000s had.

Oh. That like colored in star on people's like, you know, gay raver boys would have that star. Yeah. And what about the like the pine trees around someone's wrist? Yeah, exactly. Like the silhouetted trees. Oh.

And then, like, lines. Oh. And, like, big blocky fisting lines. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stick and poke. Hello.

That's the generation I will be in. Little line drawings. Yeah. What about, like, the single teardrop? Under the eye. Under the eye, yeah. On the fire. Well, there was always that thing of, like, yeah,

don't get the tattoos you're actually not allowed to. Because you had to, like, have gone to. prison? Yeah, I think. What about tattoo artists that say no? Yeah. Like, oh, you don't have any tattoos and I'm not doing your hand. What do you think? But I just only want the triforce on my hand. That's the only tattoo I want. Yeah. In invisible UV ink. No, I don't want. I don't want it. What about glowing the dark ink? I think I was looking at that actually. I don't know. I, uh, do you think that hairdressers, colorists, tattooists are the most sassy service providers? because there's like an energy that's similar to like I see this woman who's doing like

consultation on redying women's hair in like manic panic colors yeah yeah yeah and she's like what's your budget of 1500 USD okay that's good um so well we're not going to be able to do that for you today what you're asking for is unrealistic but what I can do for you is this just to be clear with you if you like to book a follow-up appointment with more time Yeah, and if you find another $3,000 sitting around, let's just sort you are. But then at the same time, like, tattoo has been like,

we're not going to be doing that. We're going to be doing this instead. Imagine the, I just, I could never, ever be a tattoo artist. Because it's permanent. The permanency. I get stressed doing people's makeup because I'm like, do you like that? I can change it. I'll change her right now.

Oh, God, sorry. I'll just, oh, I hated that too. I'll just change it. Oh, what if you slip? What if you make a mistake? Well, makeup comes off. Tattoos. Honey, at that ochre place or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I think that eventually you've got to get over that if you're going to do anything. Yeah. That involves people's lives, you know. We're drag queens. We get it. Yeah.

Wow. I don't know. Girl with a dragon tattoo. Does she go in? Yeah. Some dragon wings on your back? Oh. A tramp stamp?

mom with a love heart yeah that is good that's like the classic I love that one I love it in Rocky Horror when Frankenfurter has it maybe it just should be that do you see Timothy Shalamee

might be playing Frankenfurter in the Rocky horror show that's coming to Broadway oh on Broadway I can allow it Salome yeah playing who Rocky

Franken Ferdter it's all over your lifestyle's too extreme I don't care I love all tattoos any what about a tattoo that just says tattoo? Tattoo

tattoo here Oh a tattoo like the band name We get the tattoo of like in the tattoo font What's the tattoo font? Like their stupid font from Oh they're the girls Yeah the band font Because it's like the

it's like lowercase T, big A, big T, lowercase U. What's that about? Yeah, it was the 2000s. They're crazy. Well, do you know what? Maybe Matt's F-hole. Let's get Matt, everyone, when you go to the bunker, you have to get a tattoo of Matt's hole.

Matt's F-hole. Oh, Matt's hole. Yeah, his F-hole. Yeah. It's up to you, which F-hole. You pick. Yeah. Oh, no.

That's good. Happy birthday. Matt F. Great. Yeah. Okay. Well, you proposed it. Now, let's move on.

Matt's F. Matt F. Matt F. And we're back. Hello. Matt. What's next? Well.

Well, seeing as that one went down so well, the next one I had the idea for was a phobia, which phobia gets in. Do you know what? There was one time when I did music class under Luch, our teacher, Luchiana. Under Luch. And me and a group of kids that were obviously not musically inclined were doing the class. I can't remember why we ended up doing, like, one semester of music but I think it was just like maybe there was no space in other classes or there was something going on but um we got put to the side while everyone else was like

you know learning music and he just didn't take us seriously because we were not yeah mr luchano yeah he were not music kids and so we like formed our own little clique and started writing a song which was about phobias and it was going to go like this I have many phobias I'm scared to go outside please don't touch my thigh I hate the open sky you see I've got

a meophobia youophobia sexophobia fanophobia yeah da da da da da da da I got a this and like just went on like that where we sing the phobia song. Wait, and the teacher didn't take you seriously?

Yeah, and I was like, that's actually fucking better than what these other bitches are coming up with. This is obviously a bop, like, funny. Where it was like, dystophobia, da phobia, da phobia, traiobia.

Arachnavolvia, man dolema, yeah, and then he wouldn't let us perform in the school music recital. I wonder why. Wow. You guys just don't have the video. You guys have Looch all over again.

That's fucking banger. What do you prefer? I feel the fire in my skin. There's another rejection comes rolling in. Or the phobia song, which is like sure to be a earworm. Did you call him Looch? Yeah. Or Luchiano?

Luch. Why? He wanted to be described as luch. Luch. Hot Italian. He sounds hot. Yeah. He sounds really hot.

Yeah. Hot-Bogan Italian guy. Oh, gay? Straightest man that you've ever met. Well. But loved music and loved singing. I don't think you can be the straightest man ever if you love singing. Yeah.

And teach faggots. Yeah. Well, he didn't want to teach me. Yeah. But that's because he was in denial about himself. Of how good our song was. Oh, right. And now one of us has a hit song called Mr. Wright.

Mr. Ray. I want to see him near. Yeah. Anyway. Do you know any phobias? Like, do you know the names of any so far? Rachnophobia? Spirondrenophobia or whatever. What's that?

It's like machines under water, what is it? Oh, like, submarines. What's that? Fear of big things? No, scare megs. Well, I know the famous big thing. I've got thisophobia, badophobia. I love that like whole phobia.

Oh, yeah. Like, whatever that one is. What is it? it's like pores and like lotus root is your nightmare or whatever i have that phobia lotus root like it really it doesn't i'm not scared but it gives me like it grosses me out what is it fear of holes yeah like densely packed holes that looks like waspest like pores and yeah yeah um like crumpets crumpets that's triophobia triptophobia chiptophobia yeah um um that is so oh oh

I don't... Do you have a phobia? So, I don't really, however... You do. I am not incredible with heights. That's a phobia? But like, it depends. Because, like, when I was scaling that Spider-Man wall,

I was up quite high. Zero fear. I was right up there. But on an escalator or in a shopping center, I cannot. be near the like fucking glass fence because they're always so low yeah so like i am too tall for that shit i get so freaked out like you're just gonna tip over yes if like some child i've said this before but like people are gonna push me over and i'm gonna go over and die at emporium food

court i mean listen they're the worst things yeah i heard the song that I've got a meophobia, uophobia, sexophobia, nanophobia, yeah. Da-dan-da-da-da-da-da. And when I was at Year 9 camp at Hauqua or whatever, I couldn't really do the tight-rope thing. I got too freaked out climbing up, it was just too high. So it sounds like you either have acrophobia, which is fear of heights, or...

I totally... Barophobia, which is fear of gravity. Oh. Do you have fear of? needles? Nah. Yeah, you grow up. Getting tested too much for that.

If I said you had cacophobia, what do you think it would be? Like, a fear of laughing too much and having a good cack? Oh, I was going to say the cackadoo plum. A fear of a delightful woman who's a real cack. Yeah. No, that one is fear of ugliness. Oh. Wow.

Do you have that fear? I do have a fear of ugliness. That's why I hate that wisdom tree from the fucking wiggles. Ew. Oh, I hate that tree so much. Oh, my God. Wisdom tree. Have I spoken about this?

There's a new character on the Wiggles called Tree of Wisdom. He's not new. And everyone, okay. Well, he's been around for a couple of years. Sorry, I'm going to make this really brief. What the fuck is this? Okay, there is, if you do not have children in your life, you do not know about what has happened to the Wiggles.

I think now it's gone viral enough that, like, people who don't have children know about it. Have you seen this man? This man in a white collared shirt, no, green collared shirt with chicken feathers in green on his head. And a few felt cut leaves dangling off his top and bottom. And then he's just in like normal pants. And he does this highly energetic dance normally to the song Ratlin Bog, right? Ratlin Bog.

Yeah. Oh, Ratlin Bog. Run down in the belly. I hate this. Okay. Ooh, he's wearing a scarf in this one. So that is the nephew of one of the other wiggles, the famous actual wiggles, original wiggles.

He's all grown up. Not like that, Emma Wiggle. Oh, she's fake. Anyway, the wiggles, okay, if you don't know, a hugely famous Australian kids band, and they have become a cornerstone of children's entertainment just across the world, very famous, very rich. And when I saw the tree of wisdom, it occurred to me.

This thing that we have done to a generation of young Australians is subject them to anti-aesthetic. There is a dearth of beauty in children's entertainment because it's assumed that if it's not achievable, then it shouldn't be offered to children. Because this tree of wisdom looks like an office slub who has barely got any effort in his fucking costuming. And it made me completely aware that perhaps the Wiggles have always been like this. Perhaps their appeal has always been how middle of the road they are in their aesthetic.

And children are just subjected to this like ugliness. And it's like, well, perhaps that's how it should always be. And then you remember that Sesame Street is some of the most elevated, exciting, creative that you've seen. It's got these like exciting, genuine visual. artist brought on to do short clips. The Muppets themselves are like so exciting and cool to look at. Yes. The set design, everything about that world is cool and reaches for something

aesthetically like pronounced profound. Yeah. And then the same with like Hayamiyazaki, which who makes films that are also for kids that are like the most beautiful art. And I think that because of Australia's weird tall poppy syndrome and addiction to mediocrity, we end up instead with a middle-aged man dancing around like the wisdom tree and guffawing and clapping like so much fucking chattel seals at SeaWorld. Like it is disgusting.

Like, can't we aspire to more? Why does everything have to be like, oh, he's just like a regular bloke and he's giving it a go? Fuck off. He shouldn't be on television. How about someone that tries? How about a fucking costume? How about some fucking showmanship? Because just standing on stage in the first.

fucking, and the sets of shit, the reason the wiggles, like, are so appealing is because they do these uniforms, as if, like, the idea of, like, being creative and having fun with kids is to wear just a fucking simple uniform every day of your life without any chance of, like, evolving. And, like, there's a reason that so many kids are drawn to the world of drag race and drag in general, it's because straight child media had left kids behind and left them in a world that's so visually uninspired, so fucking cliche, and it's brought up by things like the wiggles and high five,

where they're patronising the children, they're scared of doing anything that's like actually big, bold, brash, and cool, and so kids are left with nothing to look at. It's just a world that's ugly. Bluey has a nice aesthetic, though. You have cacophobia. I think that's what we're putting in. A fear of that ugly wisdom tree.

Of just ugliness. Yeah, I agree. Cacophobia. Yeah. That sounds good. How is it spelled? C-A-C-O-Fobia. Cacophobia.

Who knew? Cacophobia. It seems quite appropriate, really. Yeah. Okay. I love that. And I hate the Wiggles. Oh, God.

And what I actually want to go to Canberra to go to the, um, Mr. Squiggle exhibition. Oh. See what I mean? Cool stuff. Cool. So cool. I love that crane. I love that cranky chalkboard.

I even love Mr. Squiggle. Yeah. And I love that Noni Hazel hurts. Oh no. That's not who I meant. Yeah, but no. Like I did mean the woman from that other show. Yeah.

But that's not the one I meant. I meant the one with a big curly hair. What was her name? It wasn't Noney. Nanny. Betty who? No. You know the one?

You know the one. She was so nice. I loved her. Anyway. I want to look it up. You close. I dream of a world where, you know, we can all experience beautiful and exciting things. And where we aspire to aesthetically, like, well, well-conceived things made by artists instead of boring things made by people who shouldn't be allowed in the arts.

Or as, as Minnie Cooper says, I don't hate that the tree of wisdom wants to dance. I just hate that he gets paid for it. Oh, she's so nice. Wait, where's her name? Say her names, Elders. I'm finding it. Bettina Collins. Bettina.

Bettina. Look at her. There she is. I remember Bettina. I love her. So nice. Look, now she's old. Such a good quality on a frame.

I love that. God, she's good. Anyway, we'll be right back. Goodbye. Hello and welcome back, listener. It's time for the final category. And before we do that, I'd just love to say, Happy birthday, Matt.

Happy birthday. How was it going so far? It's going, it's going well. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Keep going. Your final treat.

You tell us what it is. So we've done a lot of. vegetables in the bunker, but we haven't done fruits yet. So I wanted to know what fruit is getting in. What fruit? We already have a couple down there. Well, I don't think that's very funny. It's very unkind thing to say about gay people.

I was referring to the strawberry shake. What do you think about dragon fruit? Have you ever tasted it? Yeah, it's pretty bland. Is that the secret? Of what? Like I always think when I see dragon fruit, I'm like, Oh, that looks like the most delicious thing it ever tastes.

It looks like a fruit from another planet. Yeah, it looks juicy and... Yeah. You know, when they're in sci-fi movies, when they eat something like... Yeah. But, no, I find it like... It's thinking more like Avatar, you know, like that...

Oh. Oh, my God, this fruit is the best thing I've ever eaten. Too blinded by rage when watching Avatar to pay attention. What? But I also... What does it taste like? Describe it. It's just like.

like flesh it's kind of like lobster it's like fleshy bland texture i think with no sweetness not much like not what you might expect would it citrus no it's no banana more like not like a mango but like mango has a sweetness but it's not citrusy uh-huh so it's like a sacrin yeah but it's just like dulled down so it's actually kind of like quite palatable because it's not too much it's just like but it doesn't live up to the fantastic a bit experience. But I have seen a lot of like harvesting the seeds and like growing your own dragon fruit because it's like a cute little cactus that kind of scales up and then they grow down. I want to grow some. They're really cute. Yeah. Mangoes.

A really delicious. A bit too sweet, I must say. You find mango too sweet? Too sweet. It's so sweet. I like how you cut a mango. Yeah. You know, you cut the two sides off. And then you kind of score it into square shapes and then you flip it inside out and it's got Perfect, then you go And the big pit And because you're still flesh around that So you kind of suck on the pit What's the sound that you make?

And what do you think Like I mean I do I'll sell that sound on the internet after this There's layers of difficulty Like different Different fruits Different layers of difficulty Yeah

Like probably one end of that spectrum is the coconut. If you want that coconut meat, you have to go all the way and crack up in a coconut. And there's two layers and it's like so hectic. And then there's like a machete for that.

Yeah. And then there's like light cheese and like things that are like covered in spines and like that sort of thing. And then all the way down to like, I don't know, a grape. Is a grape the easiest fruit to eat?

I love grapes. We just pop it in, don't you? Yeah, there's not really any skinning it or anything. Unless you're really fancy Yeah Fancy

Francy Ray Baker And Markham The Mrs isn't going to believe this Okay What about a watermelon No I don't like that I mean sometimes There are moments where I

Can't believe How much I've underappreciated Watermelons It's just so It's like It's like Every so often I'm like Wow this is incredible

And then like the rest of time I'm like No I don't want to One melon. Canterloat? You can't alope, Kim. Yeah, that's good. I like melons.

But, you know, melon is ruined because of the wet, like, the way that it's used and deployed in fruit salads, it's like... It's too wet for that. Like, because you know that, like, that green melon cantalope, like, just taking up all the space and then there's, like, one blueberry and one strawberry, and then, like, Like, they've just filled the rest out with melon. Green is rock melon.

Yeah. Orange is can. Honey Jew, yeah. Honey Jew. Oh, whatever. And they're just taking up all that space. They are taking up space. What?

It's meant to be fruit salad, not cantaloupe with, like, a garnish of something else. Yeah. What do you think about thirst traps, presumably, clear-baiting thirst traps, crushing a watermelon with their strong arms or thighs? Incredible. I love that. Holy shit. Actually, back on the thirst trap thing. I saw people talking about that, Timothy Champagne.

Oh, yeah. You know, Timothy Champagne? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got, like, the most, like, triangular torso that's ever existed. It's insane. He's got to snatch a little waist. It's cool. Anyway, he's a man that has a weird energy.

Yes. Really, like, kind of, like, he seems like he'd be the most annoying person to hang out with in the world. He's a demon sent from hell. But a lot of people. and this is where I come down on the like gay baiting thing they're like he's gay baiting I'm like he's raw dogging a guy in that video that's as gay as I need him to be

for my purposes I'm not going to date this man I don't care what's happening in his personal life if his dick is going into a hole that's not gay baiting anymore that's gay sex well yes but do you know of the extended universe of him

because he repeatedly comes out and goes back here. Yeah, and he'll make like massive confessional videos of like you guys like it's, I'm here like after having sex with women for my whole life like no, like it's transition from work

to like this is me and then the next week he'll be like I'm straight like I've never been gay and like it's all just for views and to like redirect people to his only fans but it's kind of like in the beginning because so many

like I don't know there's all these like bisexual content creators who like I don't know they seem more into it when they're fucking girls instead of guys but

like that's fine but when it's like all gay gay gay gay and then the gals start to appear I don't know it's like this weird semi like betrayal of the gay audience

like you tricked us but like no you just make different content at different times like you don't owe us anything and all that stuff yeah but he's just interesting because he's so publicly fools everyone consistently and then changes it and then just changes it again yeah for years at this point he's been doing it like i think it's like there's a lot to be said about this man in the sense of like he seems very unhappy he seems like his life is just And like, not to do with his work, but just like he seems dissatisfied, just in line.

And then, like, his whole persona online is, yeah, this flip-flop and blah, blah, and people get into a real flap about it. And I'm like, who cares? Like, either watch the content or don't. And you can have an issue with the way that he advertises his product. But the issue is not the, like, because I think sometimes the gay baiting thing is, like, if you're not going to be the thing that I imagined you to be, like, I'm like, darling, if you've watched gay porn. you've watched straight men who aren't really gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, because that's just how the industry functions.

There's more market for gay, for men to do gay porn than there is to do straight. Yeah. So, like, a lot of straight men end up doing gay shit. But I'm like, that's, like, I don't know. It's just like, I think it's like going to see, like, Batman and being like, but he's not really Batman. Like, stop lying. It's like, what do you mean? Of course, like, it doesn't matter.

Like, yeah. It's just because you have a weird, like, fake social relationship with this person that's, like, you, you've projected onto them an expectation that they could actually, you could actually date one. Well, I was going to say, it's like, he's never going to date you. Yeah. So it doesn't matter. Like, he's a character. But the other thing is that, like, the same people or, like, you know, like vocal community that are annoyed by that are the same faggots who get tantalized when they see people on sniffies listed as by. Yeah.

everyone wants like the straight guy fantasy but then when they're queer baiting you was like oh oh well you can't do that why would you have done this you i do you don't actually want me yeah it's like well no they don't actually want you yeah they don't know you yeah they've never known you um but the thing that always brings me back to like having the semi soft spot for old timothy champagne is that he doesn't have a big dick yeah i love that sucked in yeah it's just like a very... It's just normal. Like, it's just fine.

Yeah. Like, looks great. Yeah. But it's not like some donkey slong that's like wrecking holes. Yeah. Ah, it's so good. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I think as well, like, the, the weird thing that ends up happening, oh my God, wait, where was I going with this? Uh, Timothy Champagne. Oh, the reason why it's more egregious in the pop world is like, if you're doing, uh, like, only fans or whatever, like that's it

like you can do what to my mind you can do whatever's legal to try and make that business work yeah I think it's when it's like Harry Styles and like that sort of gay baiting

where it's like this feels very coordinated and like coordinated in a way that like I think it's like if you are queer

but then you're not like out in the public eye and everyone's like you don't owe them anything I'm like yeah but they could actually like do something to move the conversation move the needle and change the way that queer people are perceived and by not doing that arguably like in the public eye at that scale there's something wrong and instead they're just taking the aesthetics of these things but like I can imagine a world where like Harry Stiles once like you know now that we're stepping into more like insanely right wing era and in the states where his market is I

abandoning the trappings and aesthetics of queer culture and having never made a full commitment to queerness, being able to just like disappear into like a pretty straight enclave without any kind of notice or recognition. And I think that that's what makes me uneasy. And when it's like people who are doing sex work or on Onlyfans, I'm like, no, they're making a commitment to like a lifestyle that isn't ever going to like be like disguised by like,

I'm, oh, now I'm going back into like, yeah, yeah, quote unquote respectable society and I'm just going to abandon everything that I started doing. It's like, no, if you're doing like gay shit online, then you're doing gay shit. Like, it doesn't matter. There was like when I was, uh, like late teens, early 20s, there was this porn star. I think his name was Logan McCree. And he picked the name Logan because of Logan. Um, and I don't know. Logan Paul. Wolverine. Oh. Um, and he was like, like German and had these like hot tattoos um and then he like retired from porn moved to like

the countryside and like married a woman. Uh-huh. And I was so betrayed because it was like pre-queerbating like verbiage or whatever. And I don't think he was like he was like he was, I don't think he was queerbaiting is probably just by. Yeah. But I remember being so like, but I was obsessed with me. It was like my favorite, favorite, favorite. Um, that's all there is to that story. Yeah. Yeah, it's a heartbreak. But strawberries? Yeah, strawberry's good. And when you get them in the hot sun, pick straight off the van.

They're so delicious. Like sherbet. Oh, I'm growing strawberries at the moment. I got some. And I bought them in newspaper. It was so cute. It's such a, like, traditional thing to buy strawberries, like, with all the roots wrapped in newspaper.

Oh. Yeah. And so don't bruise them. Yeah. I was really enchanted by it. Strawberry's good. If not a bit too much work. Too much work?

Yeah. What? It just seems like a lot of work. Like chew around the green bit. Yeah. I see. But that's also the handle. And it comes with the handle.

Hit and miss. Oh. Sometimes they're just not good. Like, yeah, they have the most kind of, like, most fruits are like a hidden miss. Yeah. They don't have a great shelf life. No. It's like if you eat it on the day, fantastic.

Anything else? yeah they deteriorate pretty quick yeah um i hate uh here we go i know i just hate the whole like it's a vegetable or whatever discussion but um i love tomatoes isn't that a vegetable yeah but i'm just saying like we're not true we're not um if it has seeds it's not fruit i thought that was the thing my point is yeah not tomatoes but god i love tomatoes but god i love tomato Oh, you don't like tomatoes? I love tomatoes. Oh, you know, they're a fruit.

Oh, my God. Well, like peach? I like peach, but I feel like the Japanese really made me think peach was going to be cooler than it is. You know how peach is such a big flavor in Japan? And you're like, oh, it must be enchanting. And then you taste it.

You're like, that's fine. It hasn't got, it's not full of MSG. Delicate, delicate peach. Fake flavors. Dusted in MSG. Well, you know, Yeah, there's a few flavors, like cherry flavor has never made it through into the Australian culture. And this makes me so sad.

What about cherry ripe? That's not cherry, it's coconut flavor. Is it? Yeah. Cherry flavor as in like, yeah, like you go. Cherry iced tea or whatever. Yeah, they can get like a cherry doctor pepper or like, yeah, cherry code. Oh, yeah, or like, um, like lollies that taste like fake cherries.

And it's so delicious. And they've never been here. Instead, we have lemon. And orange. Thanks, guys. Like, fucking snakes alive. Honey, snakes alive, you are the fucking wisdom tree of the candy world. I don't like snakes alive.

Why? What kid is looking at that fucking white packet and saying, oh, all natural convection? I'm so excited to try this, what, bleached orange-looking motherfucker? Yeah. Put the fake color back in. Yeah. I want to feel something. Was it that bad?

No. No. You hate joy? Yeah. Come on. Come on. Also, like, get real. Yeah.

There are so many, like, terrible things that we consume with, like, out blinking an eye. But when it comes to, like, a bit of red 34 or whatever it is. Give me that red 34. I want to have seizures. I want someone to sit on me. That's how it all started. But it's like... The origin story.

Give me big, crazy blue. Give me crazy-ass colors. Yeah. I just want to see them. Because, yeah, you look at these things that, like, obviously they appeal to the parents because it basically is like a candy that's like, see, you're a good parent. Yeah, but it's bullshit. Shut up.

Just give your kid candy and call it a fucking day. Yeah. Just do it. A box of fags and move on. That's right. Yeah. And by that we mean, of course, actual cigarettes. Yeah.

Line them up. Put some flavor in there. Yeah. Why wait? Yeah. Start now. play in the asbestos sandbox and smoke your cigarettes Have a good life

Don't look at those boring wiggles Yeah oh Yeah we're going to be watching Hey on Miyazaki and forbidden planet tonight children While you smoke your cigarettes in the sandpit Yeah And so Matt what kind of fruit do you like Well I was just thinking maybe we should put in something

Like a bit of a curveball for the bunk people Blackberries but yeah and the bushes are just growing everywhere oh it's such a problem in the hills it's a problem yeah it's a problem in the bunker at the moment no I was thinking like a lemon or something do love a fresh citrus you know and then and then

and then that's the only option for them you know like when life gives you lemon and he's like oh you want a fruit here's a lemon that's quite good Shelbyville kids with their lemon oh my god also grapefruit fucking suck. I love the, I agree, but I love the vision of like me as like a middle-aged housewife.

Cutting it in half. With like a bit of splendor on top and like a black coffee. And spoon. And eating, like digging into half a grapefruit as my breakfast in 1998. They're so tart. Yeah. What about pomegranate? Love pomegranate.

That's a delight. It's such, that's what I mean about like unwieldy fruits that are impossible to eat. Yeah, dragon fruit wishes. It was pomegranate. Yeah, pomegranate, little rubies. Rubies. Surrounding. Ah, what's this?

I've made all my teeth into rubies. No, I'm just having fun. A glass of rubies. Pineapple? Pineapple's got a good shape. And a delicious flavor. And a hole. Sorry.

What? Sorry. Oh, when you cut it. Yeah. A little hole in the middle. No, it doesn't have a hole. You have to core it first. Yeah, I know.

Okay. When you get it in a can... When you get it in a can, it's got the hole. Oh, diva. You're getting in a can, are you? No. Oh, fucking loser. I'm not one to buy pineapple.

I've been to the big pineapple maybe four times. The big pineapple for big fun. We went on a holiday to the big banana one time. Oh, yeah? Kofsaba. How's that? That was great. We went there like every day.

We've actually already spoken about this on the pot. But it does piss me off that they have the giant text on the big banana. I think that's so ugly. It's so ugly. And it's like wisdom tree all over. Why can't it be in the shape of a banana sticker? Well, we spoke about this as well. I know.

Yeah, it's completely true. Yeah. It's completely true. You're so right. I like the fruits that have their own casing like a banana. Oh, Mandarin. Mandarin. Mandarin.

I'm sorry, guys. Bananas fucking suck. I've had. really good bananas in my life that have made me forgive the rest. But fuck me. If there's not a thousand green, disgusting as bananas that are underribe, I hate them. I fucking hate them. I bought pink lady banana. Pink finger. What are they called? Pink lady. Pink lady finger. Yeah. What is it? Pink eye. Lady finger. Lady finger. Lady finger. Okay. Yeah. Great. Lady's finger. They look like ladies' fingers. That's why they called that. But why are they called that?

You just see Matt's wife He's just got giant banana hands Look exactly like my wife's head Only your lady But God they sucked Yeah I was like I'm gonna drink myself and get Yeah

Oh no wonder I'd avoided them my whole life They were disastrous But they're tiny They're not big They were all bursting out of their skins Before I could even eat them I was like calm down And oh they were just not it

But a regular banana I quite enjoy a banana Because it's quite clean then you just have the peel, throw that away. Oh, for me to slip and slide in my cart, right off the track. Actually, a banana feel is quite chic. It is. A banana peel.

And I love that, like, you can be a bit bruised and battered on the outside. But when you open it up, she's fine inside. That's what I mean. Like, so many fruits go bad, like, and then, but the ones with the skins last longer because you peel that off. The casing. I hate when, like, my oranges or whatever start to leak into the fruit bowl. And you don't realize.

And then it's like, oh, what's this? They get that penicillin mold on them. Yeah. And it's all, ugh. And cleaning that is so annoying. I agree. That's... I agree.

So, what is it? We said it before. Cherries. No, lemon. I thought lemon was funny. Lemon is funny. And it's a birthday. Yeah.

And then, you know, people can set up little lemonade stands and sell lemonade to the kids. I can try. I can try. To the bunker kids. Did you ever sell lemonade? No. Oh, we did. Not.

We've seen it in movies, so we're like, completely ignored the fact that we were on a, like, a quite steep hill. In the bush. Yeah. Yeah, no. But I love that. My brother used to sell Mondograss. At the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, because your dad was a planter. I mean, what is he?

A gardener. Yeah. He's a landscape architect. He's a, culturalist. He's a whore. But at the, at the, why the fuck can I think of the market?

Jesus Christ. Who cares? Who cares? This is patina all over again. What? People care about patina. I loved a space house last week. You're like, I've got to spend five minutes working on whose name this is.

And then you found it and you're like, it's patina. What else am I going to say? I already said she had curly hair. Yeah, and he, because my brother was just always, like, so, I don't know, wanted to earn money. And from, yeah, like, when he was, like, 14, he was then, like, raising them undergras, and they would take them and set up the market stall and sell them. That was just a home playing Smash Brothers.

And who came out on top? Your brother's a surgeon now, and you have this podcast. Yeah, with lemons going into the book. bunker. That's right, into our imaginary bunker. Yeah, I think my brother has several fruit trees on his three acre property. But you have lemons in your doomsday bunker. Yeah, so you're right. I did come out on top. You want to be on top? Okay, that is this week's episode. This week we have some incredible things going into the bunker. Matt's F-hole. Yeah. The incredible lemon. Yeah. And that middle thing. And the phobia of ugliness.

Oh, wisdom tree ugly. Yeah, that's good. Cacophobia. Yeah. Cacco. And if you guys, if I end up getting some sort of fabulous deal where I have to give the loggie to the wisdom tree next year and you bring this up, I'll be so mad. You betrayed me. Okay. Thank you all so much for listening. We'll see you soon. What I want to say quickly is that we have so many emails to go through next episode. So keep them coming. episode. Okay, DT-Av-Rom is recorded

National Habitatist Studios by Matches. Our theme, song, and music was provided by Edie Centricanac and Agatha. If you got something to say to us, at DeTherompaudevot at gmail.com. Oh, but we're just up at us please at patreon.com, such as to everyone. Goodbye, so next time.

Thank you.