Death To Everyone - Death To... The Spice Girls, Porn & Fake Avril Lavigne feat. Benign Girl

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Welcome to "Death To Everyone!" Join your hosts Lazy Susan & Zelda Moon as they decide what should remain once the world arrives at its inevitable end. This week the celestial goddesses reunite with their sister Benign Girl (@benigngirl69) to discuss what shall survive the impending apocalypse. Which porno makes it into the bunker? More importantly which Spice Girl and more importantly still, which conspiracy theory is allowed in the bunker. Death To Everyone!!! Follow us, won't you? https://www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone https://www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod https://www.instagram.com/mslazysusan https://twitter.com/MsLazySusan https://www.instagram.com/zeldamoon https://twitter.com/zelda__moon Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. https://www.facebook.com/naturalhabitatstudios

🎵 Yes! Hello. Oh, my dearest darling, you're back. Don't lie. Moments before recording, listeners, I was called a swamp hog. I hate to disappoint you, Zelda, but you were not the dearest darling I was referring to. I was talking to the listener. Hello, dearest darling one.

It's so nice to have you back in the sty with the swamp hog. And its trainer, me. I don't like this picture very much at all. Hello, everyone. My name is Lacey Susan. And my name is Zelda Moon. Welcome. Is that your hog sound?

Well, it's a swamp hog. So it's like just peeking its little snout up above the swamp waters. Gasping for air with its hog snout you know wow you do know oh my god i suppose i would have you been to a swamp yes well i've been to new orleans or nolans as they tell you to say it but then you never do again because you sound crazy. Yeah, why would you say it like that? That's the, like, local parlance. Oh, Narlens. Narlens.

This is a very special episode, everyone. This is quite a monumental moment for you, the listener, for us, the presenters. Joining Lazy Susan and myself on this episode, I would like to welcome the artist formerly known as Benign Girl! Hello! Here I am. She's back out of the chrysalis. Yes, I'm just peering my head out for a quick moment to come and chat with you two.

That's right. You can always get a sister back in. It's very, you know, like Super Bowl. Beyonce has brought the girls back out. We're going to shoot out of the bottom of the stage. The way that they, like, jump up and then land back down. Quite dramatic. It did look a bit, a tiny bit janky.

Yes. But I think the jankiness informed the velocity at which they were travelling. True. If they landed too squarely, they're like, there's wires, something's happening. True. Yeah, they actually had to have like Pilates. Yeah. You know, like they had the strength.

I reckon that the day that they were rehearsing, they had it on half power and then Beyoncé walked past and was like, take it to four. But without letting them know. Michelle and Kelly will be fine. They just keep going. She's like, I can't have them perfectly land out of that. That's what informed Gaga's fall from the sky. Like, I want to be like Michelle that time, except a bit higher. Well, she was going up to get the Michelle down from the ceiling.

Do you know that at the Drag Expo, they have a very specifically detailed fee for the balloon collection from the ceiling of the Melbourne Convention Centre? They're like, the $200 balloon collection fee from the ceiling. Oh, my God. This is just like the convention centre? Yes. Like in general.

In the training manual. And they're like like any helium balloon that makes its way to the 16 story high ceilings will need to be collected by dave the balloon collector and that will cost you 200 how do you think he does it the cherry picker yeah why couldn't they just like shoot it with a gun or something well they would have back before port arthur howard put an end to balloon collection. What about a humble, you know, slingshot? That could do the job with a little frozen pea.

You think frozen peas just grow on trees? Okay, kind of. So this is your first public appearance since the Beastie Girls die in April. What have you been doing with yourself? Well, I've just been living my life. And I have to say, I think about it quite regularly. I actually don't know how the fuck I used to have time to be a drag queen. Like, I'm just fucking, you know, busy, busy, busy.

Like, it's like your life will fill the space of whatever container it's put in. Like an octopus. Well, I'm unemployed at the moment. Thank you for pointing that out to me. Like an octopus. Do you know 100% of octopuses are actually unemployed? Yes. Well, not that one that was on the My Octopus Friend.

What did he do? Well, he was a movie star. My Octopus Friend. I don't think he was paid. I think that was... How far can it dive into the Mariana Trench? That's what I want to know. That's a really good website you should hear about.

But the thing is, yeah, like as soon as you have more time, it's like suddenly it's eaten up. It's like the same as money as well. Like when you earn less money, you just like spend that much money and then you earn more money and then it just goes. Yeah, absolutely. And drag is the... Fund sucker. Great place to spend money.

God damn it. On absolute trash. Yeah. It's very not eco-friendly right drag is an environmental disaster it's an affront to the world it is the least natural thing think about glitter on its own all the hair you're wearing is just made out of plastic that will outlive us all every little thing like the eyelashes like they come in a plastic thing that you just like throw the like nails come in plastic

the like everything is like and also then you're expected to wear a different outfit every time you appear otherwise you get which we thankfully resist to prove a point. And that's why I don't always wear that. We're environmentalists. Yeah. And then shoes. You know, it's like everything is so stupid. Yeah. Yeah.

Confetti cannons. There's this difference between wearing clothes from, like, if you wore, I don't know, AliExpress clothes in your everyday life, you would feel guilty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you wear AliExpress on stage, everyday life, you would feel guilty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you wear AliExpress on stage, it's a slay. Yeah, you feel incredible. You feel like the most powerful woman on the face of the planet. Oh, my God. Last week at the viewing party of RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under Season 3,

I was sitting opposite Zelda on the stage and I was just sitting there watching the episode and then this, dress that i was wearing from aliexpress or something like that just was like and split the entire zip split and like it didn't nothing happened at the front but it was like quiet like an avalanche behind the scenes and i looked at zelda and i was like and then she just looked at me and was like yeah and i was like zelda and i was like and then she just looked at me and was like yeah and i was like no i mean and she was like and i was like bitch i knew what you were saying from the first moment yeah and then we we discreetly got her a jacket get me out of here get me out of here escorted her through the crowd and uh did

some fine tuning out back yeah okay the thing that happened this week yes oh i woke up on monday morning and i was like what the fuck is happening because i could feel and like it had permeated my dreams this was how intense it was i could feel that my dick was on fire and it was like dying and itchy and awful okay so i'm like oh my god oh my god oh my god and then you had a wet dream finally i'm i'm becoming a man but for context you haven't been with your partner for a few weeks at this point yes and not not at all. And therefore no sexual activity. Wait, okay, so. No, no, no, no, no.

I'll hear it come. So then I pull back the sheets and like it's. I was going to say like, sorry, pull back the full skin. It was a mess. I pull back my, you know, 000 thread count egyptian cotton sheets and um it's like red and on fire and like it looks angry like it looks like a cooked lobster sorry to be so graphic to everyone i'm sorry okay but then i immediately text my boyfriend kergen and i'm like i have just woken up because he sent me like a photo of like his stroll to work walk and i was like oh my god and he was like i know it's pretty beautiful up here and i was like what the fuck and he's like

i know the weather's lovely and i was like no my dear so it was burning and stuff was it like recoiling or was it you know like was it like you know sometimes it's like it's hurting so much that it's like trying to shrivel back inside or was it like just normal just flopping there and burning at the same time you could be a nurse you should have been at the the mshc um so no i wouldn't i wouldn't characterize it as recoiling okay but you would as flopping it wasn't throbbing it was like stingy throbby jesus christ i well okay so this is it this is the vulnerability this is the fucking thing that you all asked for but then I'm like I don't know that this is quite what the people asked for but go on darling so then I'm like I need to go and so I rush to the Melbourne sexual health clinic oh no and then I am like ding ding pretending to be normal you know putting in my details which I will say is a little

side thing you know when you go to the Melbourne Sexual Health Clinic, there's like, there's the touchscreen filling your details. And you're like, touchscreen feels like a choice. Like, why aren't we all touching the same screen? And then with these harlots. I've got gonorrhea finger already. And there's no one wiping down that touch screen between touches. But it has those great pens with the little rubbery nib.

Oh, is that what that's for? Yeah, they're great. This was the first time I'd been back to the MSCH. MS, how do you spell? MSCH. Yeah. Wait, can I just ask one more question? One more.

What shade of red? Was it like? Can I just ask one more question? One more. What shade of red? Was it like... I just need to know for like I'm trying to understand the story. Was it like burning on the like outside or like in the inside? It was burning at the base.

At the base? Yes. Okay. Okay. So that's... So like on the base but like on the outside, like the skin. Yeah. The base.

Oh. Okay. Like a turtle with like a beer thingy around its neck. Oh. Like chafed burning. So what I will say, coming back to do the touchscreen, the touchscreen asks you all the questions about your life. And it's like, how many partners have you had in the last 12 months?

And every time I used to do that, it was like, well, I don't know. I'll say 50 this time, but I don't know. It gets so specific. Do you really think it's necessary for it to be that specific? I love it. I love how invasive. It's like that show pod you know it's like pods asking question on the streets of the uk no i hated it those questions oh because

it really does feel like you're putting a little stamp on where you are at in your life oh but then when you go into triage and the nurse is like okay so you're top 10 guys you bottom for 50 okay so you top 10 guys you bottom for 50 okay so so i'm trying to narrow down here the possibilities well because then it's like do you have like a regular partner do you use a condom and i'm like i'm like no and i'm like trying to be honest with the touch screen but i'm also like shamed and then it's like do you want to do the gonorrhea questionnaire and i'm like well i do have the time and then like you do all the additional little questions. But this was so weird because it's the first time that I've been there after having, like, a partner.

And I was, like, touching that screen, like, just one partner. Like, looking around, like, waiting for my little award, you know, thinking, like, all this time, this moment. And then I was like, you know, and how many times, would you this moment and then i was like you know and how many times would you have this person would you consider them to be a consistent partner and i'm like yes i would wedding band i was like oh and like i kind of felt like the nurse was going to be like nodding at me like robbie congratulations anyway so that didn't happen but then i sit down

it's actually really fast it was monday morning so it was quite good sometimes it's like three hours in there it's a nightmare and i look across and there's like bumper love staring at me from the star observer on the table it was like oh and then the triage nurse comes out and pulls me into the office and the young gay guy and shout out to joseph at mshc and he sits me down and he's like so what's the situation i'm like okay so um this like itchy red sensation has appeared on my dick in the morning and he's like right and he's like and how many sexual partners you have and i'm like one and he's like right and i'm like why didn't can't he just read the touch screen survey spend 10 minutes because that's not plugged into anything that's just for

shame they're like you have to go through the gauntlet of the taxis. Yeah, that's just for you. And then he was like, so, and when did you last sleep together? And I was like, well, he actually lives in Darwin, so we haven't slept together in a while. And he's like, and you haven't had sex with anyone else? And I was like, no. And he's like, sir, this is the Melbourne Sexual Health Clinic. And I was like, right. And he's like, can you think of any other reason why

you might have a rash down there and then i was like that's a raven flashing back oh my god to like that aesop body geranium body leaf thing that i'd like been like going to bed that night like angela lansbury like touching your body to feel activated and then put it all over my body including on my genitals which i would not normally do just like oh and then he was like that would probably be it and i was like i'm so sorry and he's like i don't think that we need to do anything else for you today i don don't think we're going to bother a doctor with this. And I was like, you know, that sounds fair. And he's like, goodbye.

Did he look at it? No. Oh, my God. So that's my story. And then it went away. Well, we're in the process now. That was yesterday. Oh.

Banangro, as our very special guest this week we want you to decide how is the world going to end that's a big responsibility it is i think the world is going to end by bluetooth oversaturation going to end by bluetooth oversaturation like it's gonna hit a point where like like at the moment it's fine but eventually so much of the signal will just start to like overpower and everyone will just start spasming and dropping dead yeah i could see that happening so do you think our brains will melt out of our noses or what do you think? I think it'll be more like you'll like fry. Like you'll start vibrating and like your whole skin will just start like melting and frying. Like dropping off your bones.

Like so much radiation is like sizzling through your body that you're... Yeah, it'd be like a day when they just turn on, like, a bunch of new, like, iPhone 17. Yeah. Everyone's, like, airdropping and it's like... Stop sending that meme. There's a threshold and once it crosses... Yeah. Yeah.

The flesh just drops off. I took a funny video of you. Does it happen to all living creatures on Earth? Yes. Okay. So I guess the bunker is going to have to creatures on earth? Yes. Okay. So I guess the bunker is going to have to be like Bluetooth proof. Oh, the bunker is everything proof. Okay.

And we're also not going to have Bluetooth in the bunker. So you're going to have to plug the speaker in Margaret. No, you, we boom. I don't like... Remember back in the day how there were the little ear things for Bluetooth? Ew. The what? Like the little like...

Like the... Yeah. You speak on the phone with the ear. How old are you? Shut up. You know. Well, that's like... I hope...

It's kind of like Apple Watch for me now. Just making 100% sure that no one's wearing an Apple Watch. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't like wearing a watch. I don't want another time. What do you think? Like, has anyone ever found out any valuable information from a watch?

Like, I can read a text and like, so can I, sir. And they're like, well, I know my heart rate. I'm like, why? You don't need that information unless you're having a heart attack. In which case, you might have bigger fish to fry, darling. Like, what? One more thing with Bluetooth makes me think of like a Blackberry. Have you seen the trailer for that like Blackberry movie?

Apparently it's amazing. Blackberry movie. Oh my God, the trailer is so Caringerella. What's a Blackberry? What's the Blackberry movie? It's like about the crazy upstarts that made the Blackberry. Really? Yeah.

It looks awful. Is Blackberry making a comeback or something? No, it's not. And so that's the thing about this film. It's like in a world where the Nike film and like the Jobs film are like celebrating these amazing innovators. This is like telling the story of a brand that has now completely fucking died and failed to innovate into obscurity. And so it's like, that's bad. That's what makes it good.

It's kind of like a play on that genre. I think it's going to be great. You know, the ending. Do you know that Obama used to have like every Blackberry? Like he was just like, he refused to get off the Blackberry and transfer to iPhone. So they had to keep buying Blackberries because they just would blackberry had that like weird little knob in the middle right yeah was that blackberry yeah you know those laptops that used to have the little red little dot in the middle that was somehow did everything a mouse could do

what's with that yeah that was like one micro movement from your little finger? I feel like that was a show off as well. Like it was like, if you had that, it was like, oh, I've got the knob. Yeah. So I never had a laptop growing up. I don't think you know how triggering it is right now for you to talk about red little knob. But a friend of mine had it on his computer and we would play SimCity 2000.

We would do it with that and it was really cool. But I also hated him for it because I was jealous. Fair enough. But great way to go. Okay, let's take a break. Okay, it's time to dive into our very first quandary. Welcome back, everyone. Our first topic for discussion tonight, Benign Girl, is porn.

What porn is allowed in the bunker? Well, I thought you had already made up your minds about this No, I said If I go back I said regarding bait bus Uh-huh That it would be meant for discussion However, I did not say this is immediately in the bunker However, we do need to discuss and decide whether, you know, obviously

I think bait bus is hilarious how real is bait bus a hundred percent lie yeah like maybe the first i was gonna say episode the first like bait bus video might be real okay so for those of you playing at home, let me explain to you what the bait bus is. So in, I think it's LA, there is a very tinted bus. But they call it a bus. It's actually a minivan. Yeah, it's a minivan. And the episode of bait bus goes as such.

Episode of Bait Bus goes as such. They drive the very tinted minivan up to a man strolling down the street inexplicably in LA because no one has ever walked down the street in LA. They pull up to him and then they wind down the window and there's the cameraman and a gal with big tits. Yeah. Usually named Crystal. And they're like, hey, buddy. And he's like, hey, guys, what's going on? And then he's like, this is Crystal.

What do you think of her? And she's like, hey, big boy, what's happening? And he's like, oh, yeah, she's all right. And he's like, what do you think of Crystal's boobs? And then she's like, I'd love to have a little fun with you. And he's like, yeah, here's the thing, my man. Like, we're making a porn video in the back of this car. So, like, why don't you come in and you can play around with Crystal for a little bit. And she's like, oh, you want to do that?

And Crystal, like, you know, pulls her tits out and is like, what do you think? And then he's like, oh, okay. And then he gets into the back, which is like a modified interior. So, there's quite a lot of floor space and then just like one couch seat at the back. Yeah. And then like a little bit of a boot space behind that. And then Crystal's sitting on the couch next to the guy getting filmed. And then they're like, do you want to touch Crystal's like tits?

And he's like, yeah. And then she's like, I'll let you. That's consent. And then they're like okay well let's let's get to the next level do you want to like go to the next level and she's like yeah yeah yeah well why don't you let crystal go down on you and he's like and then he's like but crystal's a kinky motherfucker so crystal wants you to wear a blindfold and then they blindfold whoever the fuck the guy is

and then from the back comes the boot gremlin and the boot gremlin is like bottoms don't appreciate that nickname and it's like usually this random redheaded gay guy and he like it's like and he impersonates crystal and goes down yeah but crystal sits behind the guy and he's like you're like yeah she's there the whole time being like which i i mean there's never been anything more empowering for like femme porn actresses to be like, you know what? You just come in the van and you don't have to do shit. You just sit there and you just hang out for the day. Just come in the van and hang out. Doesn't she?

I feel like if I'm not mistaken, doesn't the girl like usually start the blowjob? No. Oh. No, Crystal does not take my, she'll touch the dick, but she will not put a lip to the dick. True. Yeah. Anyway, so then like there's always a point and like, you know,

this is finessed because, you know, obviously you don't want every episode to be the same, but sometimes, you know, the guy will be like, I just need to see her do it and like take off the blindfold and then look down and they'll be like in the full light of the tinted window as they're driving the little gremlin and it'll be like a little tyler yeah and he'll be like oh what no man i'm not gay and then push off the gremlin and the gremlin falls back and he's like and then they're like but like what if you were and then he's like what do you mean he's like what if we paid you a little bit more than we

were gonna pay you initially just to hook up with crystal but this time you're gonna get two thousand dollars to hook up with tyler yeah gremlin and they're like yeah maybe you're like come on wasn't that a good blow job you want to do it with gremlin tyler and then they're like yeah okay and then cut to the full scenario yeah they're still driving around the streets of la and you know depending on their performance yeah like sometimes they're like really selling the like duality of being a straight guy who's not into it but also like maybe having an awakening at the same time but then the best part of the entire thing and the reason why the bait bus should be in the post-apocalyptic

landscape is the ending which is where oh yeah they stop the car and they're like hey man you did a really good job and they go oh yeah whatever man i don't want to talk about and then they're like um just a sec we're gonna um they're gonna quickly go back into this house here and we're gonna get you all cleaned up get you a shower and then we'll get you your cash and they're like yeah okay and then the guy gets up and then crystal's like bye motherfucker and they slam the door and they drive away and it's so good. And like, you know, like some of them, the guy like inexplicably has like oranges that he was with

and then he's like throwing the oranges at the fan. You're like, damn it, B-Boss, you've done it again. And it's just incredible. Oh my God. Is there like no seatbelt laws in America or something? Why? How have they not been caught yet? Yeah.

Like, do you reckon that there's any branding on the bait bus? Or it's very discreet? Maybe it's, like, fully shot in a studio and there's just, like, the rear projection happening next to the window. The first version of the volume was for VapeBus. Yeah. Okay. So,

an image. Growing up, my favorite was Sean Cody, which now is very basic. Like, like wrote the basic book, basically and but growing up i loved sean cody and there was this one guy on sean cody who i do not remember the name of and i remember emailing sean cody when i was like 16 being like i'm too young to have a credit card but I love this guy

could you just send me his videos and if you could imagine they never responded but like um yeah what a world but I loved him he was like a martial artist and he had this incredible body have you seen that map it's like a map of Melbourne and each of the areas is like a martial artist and he had this incredible body. Have you seen that map? It's like a map of Melbourne and each of the areas is like a different, it's like Sean Cody is South Yarra or something like that. Yeah, funny. And it's like Raw Fuck Club is like Abbotsford or something like that. Treasure Island Media. I do like Treasure Island Media suck.

I'll bet you do. Sorry, sorry what i don't even know what you're talking about it's like treasure island media sub thing it's like tim suck tim suck who's tim suck like treasure island media, would do the sucking, would be, like, very, like, you can tell they don't actually like it. Yeah, no one does. Go on. But, like, Tim Suck, they're gagging on it. Oh.

They're gagging for it. I mean, it's in the name you'd hope so do you think it's going to be enough like if if the world ends yeah and everyone's like well which tim suck video are we watching tonight no no i'm not suggesting we save tim suck i'm just saying i like tim suck but it's okay we can we can lose that but we could could have Tim, Treasure Island Media. That's an option. Is it like pirate themed? Is that what I'm missing? Why are we going to Treasure Island?

It's very like not like, I don't know. Like hook. No, it's. I don't know how to explain it. It's more like Drag Race Down Under promo. Like not as model-esque. Yeah. Like real people.

Yeah, more real-ish. It's more real and it's very filthy. Yes. It's like, you know, like a video of like a guy having like an icy pole shoved up his ass, but the icy pole is like 40 loads. It's like that. Oh, my God. That just made me think of that hookup I went to with this guy who we all know,

but I'm not going to say who it was. I can tell you later. I might have already told you both this. Sam will beep it. But it was like getting really hot and heavy. I was like really into it. He was older and I was having like the daddy fantasy and stuff like that. Oh, okay.

I know what you're talking about. I think so. And then he was like, do you want to have one of my ice cubes? And I was like, wait, what? And he then explained to me that he had, like, filled up the ice cube tray in his freezer with his cum and wanted to know if I wanted to suck on one of them while we were doing the other stuff.

And I think that's maybe when the hookup ended. That was it. Well, like, I might have finished it off but i wasn't like in the your body left your mind left your body yeah okay i have a few questions regarding the filling up of a whole ice tray do you think he cut the cum with like a binding agent as like you know a bit of water like watered down or do you think he just like waited until he had enough to do the whole thing i reckon every time yeah i reckon like every time he jerks off he like does it into the ice cube train just like fills it up when you were hooking up did you look down and find a silicon mold, like ice cube tray? Wait, ready to collect anything.

No, unfortunately. I feel like maybe it's his sacred time. That's him. That's for him. You're not in the ice tray. Yeah. Also, as the weeks go on and we get more and more contact from our beautiful listeners, that's you,

it does dawn on me that we're really painting a horrid picture of gay men and the fucked up things that we do. But it's just reality. Oh, yeah. But it's a crushing reality for a lot of straight people that don't know. And they're like,

what do you mean you're in a, what was it? Did you say open relationship? You're like, yes. I sucked on his cum cube. Well, when you sign up to be an ally, this is what you're signing up for, darling. That's right. You voted yes.

And now look at us. What about a look in for old school magazine? Yeah. Because that's quite cab. I feel like there was more production value in an old Play school magazine. Yeah. Because that's quite camp. I feel like there was more production value in an old Playboy magazine. There was the soft, gauzy lighting. Let's not pretend that it's giving you the same experience as video, though. No.

But when I was very, like, 12, 13, I found a Playboy magazine. And it was so illicit because it was like, like, this was like, I had not at all seen any pornography ever. And this was like the one. And I remember so distinctly there was a scene that was like a centerfold. And then like a few other scenes that were like hot air balloon

themed and it was like a set with like a sky backdrop and then like two women and a guy in the basket of a hot air balloon like with his dick out and they were like anyway so but i was like so terrified of this existing and having this so So each time, like, I would get scared about it being discovered, I would, like, try and make it smaller. So it started by just ripping out those pages. And I was like, I can take those pages and fold them up quite small and hide them away. And no one will know.

Wait, where did it come from in the first place? Well, I found it in my home. Oh. Illicit materials. then as that went on i was like oh my god well i'll make it smaller so then i just ripped out the man and i was like until it just got to the cop until it was just this tiny little picture of the dick that i'd like actually yeah there it is and it was so like how much can you atomize down your sex

until you're like like you know with a video you could be like just three pixels please i'll remember the rest wow yeah so i had like a tiny little shred of like a folded, unfolded cock. Wow. Well, there's no shame in the bunker, so. Well, maybe just that. You get your time with the shred today. With the balloon. Yeah, you can see a little bit of like wicker basket in the background of the car.

That's quite camp. Up and away. It does explain a lot of my like sexuality. Like, yeah, let's look up. But what backdrop are we putting up first? Bring out the sky backdrop. Oh, God. I mean, there's endless small businesses that we could promote.

You know, Bentley Race. Oh, true. That's a Melbourne one, isn't it? Yes. Oh. That is too much for me because there are so many people on there that I've had sex with. Brag about it. No, but like you go through the archive and you're like, oh, yeah, there he is.

It could happen to you too. Do you know the one All Australian Boys? Yeah. That's filmed on the GC. Yeah. And like I remember I used to look at it back in the day. And my like very close family friend was on there. And if that had gotten out,

it would have been the biggest drama to hit the GC that decade. Incredible. But somehow I kept it to myself. Until now, name and shame. No, I will not do that. He has a family now. I wonder if it's still up there. If not, it'll be on Pornhub or something.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no escape. Okay. So I don't know. I don't know who we should go with. Like what? Maybe like the tiny picture.

Maybe we just put the bus. Maybe we just put the minivan. Yeah. As like a memento to pornography a gorgeous statue to represent all porn well here's the other thing about porn is that like porn used to be like a very specific off to the side niche in reality and now everyone you know is a porn star yeah like i think that that's what i'd like for the bunker is everyone's a porn star well you could have the bait bus like in there and that could be like the designated area where you go

to like fuck yeah and make porn well it could be like a channel 31 like you put in like a fun application everyone gets to turn to learn about how to do production. At this point in time, we have not let very many men into the bunker. Is Romeo Beckham the only man in the bunker? Well, you could put the, what's his face? The gremlin. Was it gremlin? Put the gremlin in the bunker. Like in the bait bus, but he can't come out of the-

No, he is just there to get it. Oh my God. And Crystal has to be there too though oh yeah you slow day crystal yeah a quick tangent on the the only fans of it all yeah the weird phenomenon now of having people that do only fans who are like not willing to like go the full whole hog of like now having sex as part of their only friends they're just doing masturbation yeah and they're like okay it's just gonna be masturbation but like the thing that happens is like the thing that happens to any tv show is that like they have to keep figuring out new plot twists and ways of like doing the storyline to keep people watching over the many months you know like lost or whatever

it's like lost season four things get weird so like their solution to that is like well i've got to entertain my patrons but they've already seen me jerk off in my misc white modernist ikea house like 10 times yeah so now i'm going to like put my dick in an outfit have you noticed this where they're like it's saint patrick's day now i've got a saint patrick's day dick and then like oh it's christmas now i'm wearing a santa hat like they just try on different outfits because they're not going to get more like sexually sexually adventurous but they'll just be like but what if i try different looks i think that's weird yeah otherwise the only way is for them to actually have sex with other people.

Yeah. You know, in the bunker there's only four costumes that are going on that dick. And that's it. I'm going to say right now, line in the sand, you can't use the witch one. No. For your freaky sexy behavior. That's already been stretched out by the Meg. Okay, well.

Okay, well, I'm happy with that decision. I'm happy with that, yeah. So we're wheeling in the bait bus. Yeah. Sex gremlin in the back. Someone remembered to feed him. And Crystal has to take care of sex gremlin. Is Crystal, and Crystal's allowed out.

Yeah, Crystal can do whatever she wants. She's got to go and try to lure Romeo in. True. You know, that's her job. Crystal, stop asking. The other thing, just quickly, just to haunt straight people, is that hopefully you both know this, but like, you know, that porn, I don't know, I suppose it's like bait bus or whatever,

but it's like bait bus or whatever but it's like in argentina or somewhere and it's like a sauna room but like all the bottoms are just there like built into the walls like yes and then the videos are just like guys just coming in and just like using whichever hole they want um and then sometimes above the holes where it's just like a hole, but it's just like a person's leg sticking out with like an accessible butt. There'll be like a framed picture of like the person's face above it. That's good. It's like Yochi.

It's like, oh, mango mantra. Tonight, I just want a classic, just coconut for me. Yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah. The irony is at the Melbourne sauna, wet on Wellington, there are like, so for those not in the know, a sex on premises site where there's like spas

and a pool and upstairs, there's like a sexy maze, like a laser tag, but for dick. Yeah. And you like wander around and there's like spas and a pool and upstairs there's like a sexy maze like a laser tag but for dick yeah and you like wander around and there's like like lockable little areas and things like that but downstairs there's a whole theater and in the theater they don't play hardcore porn they don't play you know tim sucks they don't play bait bus. They play movies, just straight up movies. And you will have men who are like G-ing out in a towel, watching Sweet Home Alabama at three in the morning. And you wander in there and you're like, what the fuck?

Like I have walked in there at this theater, at this sex on premises, sexy. And the music is like, and then you come into this room and they're watching Shrek 2. Oh, my God. And it's really cold in there as well. Yes. Like, you've got to, like, take your towel off and then use it as a little blanket.

A little shawl. Can I tell you truly, I have never been in that room because of all of the rooms in that venue. It's the most intimidating it's true why because it's like it's very like more like inviting to to have a conversation or something oh like because it's not like the the cruising like it's like the hey mate sweet home alabama and i didn't know until the last time i went through actually that behind that room there's another room with a pool table. What?

Yes. Which is like joined to the bar. What? That is amazing. It just keeps going. Oh, well. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Wait on my LinkedIn. You just, you give and you give. Anyway, I would love it if someone curated a film festival there. That'd be so fun. Yeah. Well, what quality entertainment. The Vape Bus literally is in. And we'll be right back for segment number two.

Bye-bye. and welcome back everyone hope you enjoyed your break our next topic for discussion is which spice girl gets to go into the bunker. Now, we used to be in a girl group together. Yes. So now we get to judge the ultimate girl group. Yes. Now, also, it goes without saying that Benign is like our celestial goddess. She's up there with us.

Yeah. You know. She just comes in. You know, she's a ring in for the weekends when the decisions are too hard to make. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, you don't get a spot in the bunker but that's because you're beyond it um just putting that out there for the law i'm already in the clouds above correct take me up there well okay any opening thoughts

i feel like you both victoria beckham yeah i feel like you both already have your minds made up. There's some layers there because Romeo's in the bunker. And I think that's kind of weird. Yeah. We don't want them to like, if they can't have family. Let me tell you, if we bring Victoria, if we bring Victoria in, she is not going to let Romeo fuck the redhead in the Bay bus. She's going to be like, Romeo. What are you doing?

I did get a message from my dear friend Tristan who was like, so I finally listened to whatever you're fucking doing. Yeah. Because I'm supportive, but also want. Yeah. And he was like, it was great. I was having a great old laugh. And then you slandered Victoria Beckham on the pod. And I will not be forgiving you anytime soon.

We love Victoria. Yeah, I do love Victoria. Oh, my God. AIDS. AIDS. I just don't think she would be very fun or entertaining. I feel like if you're going to bring a Spice Girl, like you've got to use, you know, they're entertainers.

We want to be entertained by one of them, right? Like one of them could do little shows. Halftime at the Oceanarium. Oh, my God. Can I also, let's just get this out the way. Obviously, Emma Bunton is not getting in. No. Why not?

Oh, you want to bring what? There is a case to be made for Emma Bunton. Really? She could survive just off little baby food. No, she's not in. Do you know this though? When Emma Bunton was brought in as the last Spice Girl to the boot camp they were having at that house where they all started. Yes.

She arrived on the train station with her mum and she legitimately was eating baby food. And she did that all the time. Is that why she was baby Spice? I think so. And it was like, do you know why she's baby Spice? I'm just a little baby. Just as creepy as you thought.

And then I was talking to my friend about this and she was like, actually there was like a weird thing where girls just did that. She was like, when I was in high school, girls would like bring baby food purees to school in those little jars and just eat it. What? It was like starving for the formal vibes. Yeah. I think it was like very like ED but made cute.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, there's nothing wrong with like stewed apples. That's quite good pudding. But not baby food. See, that's why she's not getting in the bunker. Absolutely not. So anyway, just wanted to get that out of the way.

Okay. Well, Ben, I'm... Who's with your best shot? I reckon Sporty. You're going Mel C? Yeah. Mel C. Like, because she's, like, bringing the queer energy.

Well, she's not, though. I know, but she's bringing the queer energy. Well, it depends, because Mel B and Ginger actually were queer. Oh, that's true. In the band days, and Hookin' Up and Oh, that's true. In the band days and hooking up and fooking. But the thing about it, and I know far too much about this because I listen to Celebrity Memoir Book Club where they've done every Spice Girl except for Emma Bunton

because she has not released a memoir. What was she talking about? Pigtails? Leave. Emma Bunton. She's like the unproblematic girl. Yeah, that's why she's boring but they did mel c's autobiography and boy oh boy that is one boring person really oh yeah and she's even like

discusses it in the autobiography she's like i've always been scared that i'm the most boring and and i just feel so insecure around the other girls or whatever that was and then um i always took her as like that she'd be a massive ruffle to hang out with no i think that's mel b who has the most fucked up autobiography and only like 10 of it is about the spice girls true because she like had super dark abusive relationships and then really scary shit yeah i can imagine having a good lol with her oh yeah melby is good but also our favorite tori ginger spice now ginger's disappointing but she jerry is like genuinely a cookerella. Like she's got insane cooked energy.

And if you ever want a treat on YouTube, you can go and watch Jerry, the documentary that was released after she left the Spice Girls. So depressing. That was before she started the yoga empire. Oh, my God. The parallels with bananas too much. Okay. So so no Victoria. No to Baby.

Yes. No to Sporty. Maybe it has to be Mel B. I think if it's not Victoria, it has to be Mel B. Okay. Yeah. She can also sing as a plus. She can.

She can do the little show. What's that song you love by mel melby for um for once in my life so melby released like one single yeah i was about to say like melby has she's not a good singer i would absolutely have forced you to watch that music video once she's like walking down the street and she like takes her clothes off and turns into a different person and then she makes out with herself at like a house party that's full of 20 year olds oh oh my god i'm gonna send you i think no jerry yeah like i it's like i i jerry is my favorite but for the wrong reasons and i i see that as a flaw in inside myself that doesn't need to spread to the bunker oh yeah but um like i don't know she's so cooked like before the spice girls she was like

go-go dancing and like djing and mykonos and like then she was a bit older and got into the spice girls and really like was like ah we're gonna be stars girls and then her being this like massive bogan bitch and then transitioning into being like but i'm a proper regal british woman yeah what's that all about it's so like funny like what a transition oh my god they've all done it actually because vb is also like trash bag but But in like with most respect, but like has- A trash bag at the coronation. Yeah, exactly. It's like she has completely managed to retcon her entire vibe into being like,

I'm the elite of British culture and fashion, which is fab. Maybe it does need to be VB. Well, I think Benaiah should pick. I already said no to VB no it's like why do you make me keep saying it okay but what if we um what if we put some terms and conditions around it they're not allowed to talk to each other separate rooms yeah separate no separate wings and then they're not allowed to, like, they're kept apart. Yeah, there's, like, a glass screen, like, so they can see each other,

but they're, like, longing. They Romeo and Juliet between the oceanarium. Yeah, except not in a romantic way. Well, it's a long eternity in the bunker. That's a move. Absolutely. Ew, it's a long eternity in the bunker. Tell the moon. Absolutely. Ew, no, I don't want that. She's not in it.

See, it's already getting too weird. Yeah, they're making it weird. I knew it. I think we should go with Mel B. Okay. Right? Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like all the other options There was like something off about it But we didn't seem to find Oh, there's nothing wrong with Mel B Not a thing Oh, well, you did say she couldn't sing No, I said she can sing I said that she can't sing

Oh What? But she has all the best bits in the songs She does good like The little like Yeah Yeah Yeah It's in the songs. She does good, like. The little, like. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They're fun, but they're not singing. True. She's fine. She just says things and does things. Yeah. Okay. I'm happy with Mel B. That's great.

Bring in Mel B. Yay. Yeah, we'll be right back. For once in my life. I'm gonna let go. Death to everyone. And we're back. So, as a special treat, we've let our guest, our fellow celestial being, decide upon the third topic for discussion.

Banan girl, take it away. What are we discussing? Are we going to keep conspiracy theories? Which one? Yeah. Like, well,

maybe we should take one because it's always good to have a conspiracy theory around so that everyone can talk about how stupid it is. Well, we need to discuss it when we're high. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me tell you, Crystal will be agreeing with whatever conspiracy theory it is. Crystal has a fucking law degree. Leave her alone.

Oh, she's that kind of crystal. She's that kind of crystal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, you go first. You go first. What conspiracy theory I want in the bunker yeah so we've got the classics obviously ufos which everyone talks about now and i just like shut up boo yeah how has it become like real now what's not i know but you know how like people that

usually aren't interested in conspiracy theories like even they are like, guys, it's real. Guys, the New York Times reported that aliens are real. And I'm like, well, that's not what they said. So let's look into this one just a second more, please. But, like, they also found bacteria on Mars. So, like, aliens are real. And it's not very interesting. Well, aliens could be real,

but I don't know if they've actually fucking come and crash landed here. No, that's no. Then there's the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Chupacabra. None of that interests me. Wrong. But you know what? Conspiracy theory, I really like. It has the exact flavor that i want for my conspiracy theory which

is that avril lavigne died committed suicide or was killed by her management and then replaced with an actress that i don't know what her name is tanya or something i can't remember i haven't really i have a very surface level understanding of this one but i love it and then you can tell because you know things have started to change about avril and then anytime something comes up about avril lavigne people are like see how fucking boring she is now it must be this conspiracy she's been replaced by an evil girl um that's a great flavor for a conspiracy theory book. That is a good one. If we can find a way to patch over the fact that you were just never that interesting to begin with.

It's like, guys, it's not an evil twin. She's just Canadian. Let her. Well, did you hear the one about how like, you know, how Lizzie, Queen Lizzie died last year? Yeah. Allegedly. Yeah. Well, that she was already dead for years and she had a body double.

Oh. But, like, I don't understand what the point of that would have been. No. So they could get everything in line. Like, she died too suddenly and they had to, like, set up the whole. Yeah. Did a bad job of that then isn't it weird that she's just like gone now do you remember for like years everyone's like oh she's not got long left and now she's just yeah what do you think the age is where people stop

feeling sad when you die like you know people like, people are like, oh, well, they had a good run. Is that like, I don't want anyone to say that even if I die when I'm 95. I'm like, fuck off, I had a good run. I could have done five more. I think it's after 100 because in your 90s it's all like, she nearly got to 100. Yeah, but when you're like 88, they're still like, oh, I had a good run. I think 80s.

80s. I think people are creeping it up as it goes because now it's like i don't know the retirement age is being pushed up so i think and people are living longer well what's the it's like 83 or something the life expectancy right yeah something like that i think 80s is like humble 80s is like appropriate everyone is expecting you to die yes but in the 90s it's like yeah that's a bit like show offy yeah one it's like relax and two it's like god you could break at any moment that's quite an inconvenience for me to be on constant death watch whenever I'm around you. Oh, my God.

And then you didn't make it to 100. Yeah. And who are you going to get a letter from now? Not the king. Oh, if I got a letter from the king, that would put me in the grave. Boo. King's birthday? Ugh.

If people start being like, well, you had a good run,'m i'm done i'm like i'm on the cutoff age where they're still like gone too soon i want that because i don't want a boring funeral like fly with the angels oh my god this is we've come full circle to drag it's like you got off before anyone was like you know oh, oh, she's still growing. No, a few people said that. Actually, the other day I saw someone standing around. There was like a wig caught in a tree. And someone said, oh, but I'm still growing.

My conspiracy choice is, which you brushed over so quickly, is the Loch Ness Monster. Ooh, it's so cool that image that haunting image I remember watching like documentaries growing up about like sending you know like submarines in with sonar to try to find it and like map the floor of the oh it's so cool I just remembered like that made me think of so my sister was living in scotland when i was 16 and we went to visit her and um we went to loch ness and i was like you've been to loch ness yeah and you know when you're when you're like younger things like that are so like it's like i remember like seeing the eiffel tower for the first time and being like oh my god like i was like at loch ness and i was like wow

this is amazing and i like got a bottle of water and filled it up with water from loch ness and then i took it all the way home with me to Australia. And I think about that sometimes. I'm like, how the fuck did I get that into Australia? Quarantine matters, benign girl. How dare you? But, like, how did they not find that? Yeah. What year was that? That would have been 2006.

So it was post you know what. Dancing with the stars season one do you remember what happened with the water i had it for so long and i was always like i've got to keep this like it's going to be worth something one day and then it must have been when i first left home or something i was like what the fuck am I doing with this bottle of water? And I just got rid of it. I just tipped it into an open aquaculture. The Loch Ness Monster is so cool.

There was also a film in the 90s that was like... Nessie. Yeah, Loch Ness movie about a daughter that's having trouble connecting with her father since the death of her mother. I keep telling these stories. And they have just moved to Scotland and they're American and she meets the Loch Ness monster. And it's a horse girl movie, but with Loch Ness. Oh, that's great. That's cute. She's not in, but the monster can be in. I think the Loch Ness has a bit of an identity crisis. Am I meant to be scared?

Or am I meant to be like, cute i meant to be like cute oh i thought that was going somewhere else like is it a plesiosaurus is it what is it like yeah so like what's the vibe like am i because bigfoot is like be scared yeah no i think loch ness is like smiling on a t-shirt wearing a like yeah i don't think loch ness monster is scary so is it like happy like jolly friend of the scott yeah i think it's like that um wait no it's it like it's a monster like it eats you if you get in the name caught in the water right no i think monster is like don't call me a monster don't call me a swamp hog you think it's like that you know the never-ending story like that giant the luck dragon yeah no i think that's the issue i think the branding is

off i don't think the loch ness has known who she is for a long time and i just i don't think it's like a solid enough journey to be in the bunker and i think fake avril lavigne much more chic because i know what she wants and i know what she's there for she wants to live forever she does and she wants to suck the blood of the other popstresses okay i concede like also i've got the meg so that's pretty good but i just want the photo i want that loch ness photo to come in how big small we'll have it as big as the photo of the single dick okay perfect that's coming in as well obviously well yeah yeah oh i think both should be in the rearview mirror of the bait bus not what the loch ness monster photo and that tiny

hot air balloon dick yeah true yeah but i think that you're putting too much into i think you're excited about the base bus bus being there yeah and i think you're neglecting you know building out the infrastructure of the bunker we will need a library and i think our first two pieces in the library will just be those two scraps of paper hung on a shelf oh you know what i like about a library we can have a library if it has one of those like on wheels um ladders on the walls yes that's cool and we'll put those two shreds of paper very up high yeah well they're secrets and um and crystal will do she'll be the librarian from time to time and um you can rent it out but you have to get a library card and you can rent

out either the picture of the Loch Ness Monster or the single tiny image of the dick library cards yeah this is a lot of things being added into the bunker well this is contextualization please for the things we are allowing yeah okay okay so are we happy with Avril's body double? Oh, I think so. Yeah. What are you? What's your conspiracy theory? You said your father has some good ones.

Oh, he has so many. Do you know the story about Dan Andrews, the Premier of Victoria, why he was in hospital? Well, there was that night at the NGV where you both abused him. That time or another time? Oh, no. No, like, so. Oh, where he, like, fell at a restaurant or something. He fell down the steps at his friend's. He fell.

Well, the conspiracy theory goes that. So, it was at Lindsay Foxsey fox owner of the fox company i think it's called you're posting another box yeah that one yeah his son's house i think and apparently according to the conspiracy daniel andrews is a massive like perv he was hitting on Lindsay Fox's daughter, apparently. And sidebar, they were all coked up. Allegedly. Apparently in the conspiracy. And then he got punched in the face.

And that's why he was in hospital. And that's why he didn't show his face to the cameras for weeks and weeks. Because he was being a perv. Yeah, and got punched. He didn't fall down the stairs. He got punched by the stairs. And, like, this did come from my dad. And then another part of that, the video, the other part is that he's a massive cokehead.

And that there's, like, videos of him doing press conferences and you can like see him have you seen those videos it's so ridiculous see him like snorting cocaine as he's about to do the press conference that's just amal burn he's not strong leave him alone you've got to see these videos if anyone hasn't seen them look them. It's very funny because these conspiracy theorists, like, they'll go to, like, they'll be like, look, he's sniffing coke. And it's like, is he? Also, it's like good work on your conspiracy theory. Like people with lots of money do coke from time to time.

I might never recover. Live on TV. Yeah. coke from time to time yeah i might never recover like live on tv so yeah in what form would that come into the bunker just like a long line of coke and then like dan andrews conspiracy theories is just like an idea that follows us into the bunker right well it's interesting because if we're only allowing one conspiracy theory in does that mean like when you enter the bunker like the potential to come up with a conspiracy theory or bring in any in your mind is you're deprived of that ability yeah you get like that um men in black like zap thing when you come in and you only remember one conspiracy

theory actually men in black is another conspiracy theory you come in and you only remember one conspiracy theory actually men in black is another conspiracy theory what yeah that was that started as a conspiracy theory what do you mean was that like there were these mysterious men in black suits who would show up around sightings of like aliens galaxy defenders well and that's where the comic book came from yeah and it's just like men in suits coming and doing things they're called mormons and occasionally they have backpacks i got visited by the mormons did i tell you that at chop shop yeah what did they say they came in and like well i mean i did invite them what do you mean well they have to be asked if they know i was like i had to get a free

item from facebook for a competition okay so you need to give a bit more context in that okay so like there's a group of us that do the task master if you know the show um one of my friends is like obsessed with the show and so he makes this competition for all of us. And anyway, it goes for ages. We do a bazillion different tasks and you all get points and someone's the winner at the end. And the last task that we had to do was get the most interesting free item from Facebook Marketplace. And I found the Book of Mormon on Facebook Marketplace. And I was like, this is amazing.

I'm so going to win this one. And then to actually get it, they had to come and deliver it to me. Is that what they do? That's how they get you. And it was legit. Like, it was, like, two young white American boys dressed with the like ties on and the little elder badges and stuff. And they were so like lovely when they came in while I was working. And they sat there so patiently while I finished with my client.

And then they were like, so Nick, would you like to come and read with us at the park sometime? And I was like, oh, I feel really bad now. And did you go? No. Did they say anything else? Did they try and push the vibe? No, like a little bit.

But then I was like, oh, thanks. I've got to go back to work now. And then they did a follow-up text like a week later and I just didn't reply. Oh, they text. That's funny. Just like the Melbourne Social Health Clinic. They don't text a week later. Well, they don't oh they text that's fine just like the melbourne social health clinic they don't text a week well they don't want to text me because i'm not allowed but i can't believe they were it was like seeing it was like movie stars walking into the shop you

know what i mean like it's like the real deal the mormons yeah it's kind of like when you see cat woman at warner brothers movie world it's like almost or like Maleficent and you know she walks past her and says stay away oh that is side no that is like my dream job like being dressed up at a theme park as a villain and just getting to like swat around being like, away with you. To like little children and they go, ah! Wow, that's incredible. So we're going to say into the bunker,

go fake Avril. Yeah. Like the fake Avril or the idea of fake Avril? Well, okay. Yeah, I think it's going to be- Because you can't have one without the other. It's going to be both. But yeah, I think fake Avril is only occasionally cited.

Like I think to keep the conspiracy going. True. And to everyone in the bunker, we say, Avril Lavigne's in the bunker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's fake Avril. And then someone starts having a little whisper. Yeah. Yeah.

I heard that. That's not even real fake Avril. Excellent. Okay. Incredible. that's not even real fake excellent okay incredible now benign girl we're gonna give you one free b something to place into the bunker before we finish the show yeah you can add whatever you want without our input without us to our say so and this will be your lasting legacy from this episode of death to everyone in the bunker but you just have to decide now yeah it could be an object it could be a person it could be a concept my greatest pleasure in life is waiting for my toenails to grow out until there's like a big white chunk and then like some black underneath. And then you get your toenail clippers and you like, it's so satisfying when like the biggest chunk comes off.

comes off and so i would throw toenail clippers into the bunker to bestow that pleasure on everyone for the rest of eternity wow you know what sometimes i forget what a twisted individual you are yeah i feel you could have just said toenail clippers but like people don't get it. They're like, what, why? And I'm like, and then you explain that and they walk away. I do like, you know,

like toenail clippers, how they come with like the little nail file slash hook. Yes. And you spin out that little hook. And that's when you get the black stuff out. You get that hook underneath. That little hook is great. But best to do it after a shower so that it's moist

and you're not drawing any blood. Wow. Okay, well, thank you so much for that contribution and for joining us here today on Death to Everyone. It was a pleasure. It had to be you. You had to be our first guest on the pod. Thank you so much, sisters.

And you can come back any time that we decide you can. Any time that you're invited. And that about rounds it out. Let's take it on home, Zola Moon. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next week. Death to Everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matthew Shears. Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie.

You can contact us at death2everyonepod at gmail.com. And subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash death2everyone. Bye, everyone! Don't call me a swamp hog.