Death To Everyone - Death To... The Theatre!

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

What thing from the Theatre gets into the bunker this week? Thespians Zelda and Lazy discuss all things theatre as Lazy stars in "A Fountain Lakes Christmas Carol" at the Melbourne Arts Centre this week!+ more speakpipe messages!xFollow us, won't you? ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ You can send us a voicemail at ⁠⁠www.speakpipe.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103⁠

...toe... ...to everyone... Especially you... Goodnuts. Hello, listener. This is Robbie. How are you? Hello.

You're welcoming back to our favorite show of the week. You know, I was sitting there looking out the window. I don't know why I'm from Canada. I was looking out the window, and I saw a house across the lake. And I thought That's really, really nice What do you think, Kane? Dean Kane.

Dean Kane? Yeah. That was... Superman. What's up? Superman? Wasn't he like, Who Dare's Wins or something? Dean Kane was Superman

and then he was a conservative. But wasn't he a host of, like, some dank show? Superman? No, but like some American show. I don't know. I mean, it obviously wasn't something like that. We can find out pretty quickly. Yeah.

Hello everyone. Welcome to Death to Everyone, our weekly podcast where we discuss a range of fabulous topics and select something from those topics to put in our doomsday bunker, as it is the end of the world. And in that bunker, we have the finest things for our new society to appreciate. I'll tell you what, Zelda. Yeah. The host of Ripley's, believe it or not, was Dean Cain. Wow.

Which was so, I loved those intros. Yes. He was walking around that mysterious museum. I love that. Looking at things and freaking us out. And then they'd go into a segment. More TV shows that are hosted by people on a set. And they'd just walk through and go, look at this mask.

It's believed that in Peru, in the early 19th century, this would happen um that other one that's like have you ever considered what would happen like believe it or not or not i also like that it left the opportunity open to not believe it yeah sometimes i'll choose not to i don't oh it's also the closest we got to like six had world true yeah daria hmm cool anyway we've already started off scattered we have haven't we it's just i don't feel like the show has started off well. Should we ground ourselves? Should we take a breath in?

Yes. And then start over. Okay. Okay. Three, two, one. G. I don't like guided breathing. I hate it.

I'm just like... Everybody, take your shoes off and connect your feet with the ground. I, like, I don't mind this stuff that makes sense. Like, but when they're like, Now inhale for 10 seconds, and I'm like, inhale, and I'm done after 6, and I'm like, and I'm like, and now just hold it there for 10 seconds. I'm like, but I want to breathe out immediately. The holding is like, wait, should we always hold?

Or is that just when you're trying to relax? That seems so weird. Yeah, and also counting internally is just not for me as a non-dancer. One, two, three. Now do it on the inside of your brain. Ugh, boring. There's enough happening in there for counting. right um can i say today at work somebody who i have respected up until this point asked me

what's your sign you love talking about your sign and i thought wow i misjudged you what what is your sign torus oh that's weird are you upset because i didn't remember no god i'm being attacked by they were just trying to converse with you zelda i know and it was cute Because then I was like, oh, my birthday's the fourth of bay. And they went, oh, ugh. And you love that, too. Yeah, it was fun. Did you see the two Star Wars games that were announced?

Oh, no. So cool. That's fun. A spiritual successor to Podracer with Subalba. But now he's got a beard. Subalba, that is. And we're also here, John. by our producer Matt

who produces from our space car front seat while also driving it's not safe but it's what must be done yes I do it on my phone yeah oh space phone yeah space phone it's the space future I put the whole episode together on my phone

that would be so impressive if you could do that whilst driving but you know let's just get it together on a computer first day man there's no computer up here now we were trying to cast Because currently I am in the middle, the maelstrom, of our run at the Art Center doing Fountain Lakes A Christmas Carol, which is a drag parody play of Kath and Kim in a Chilean television program from the early 2000s, about a Bogan mother and her Bogan daughter in the lives that they live in quiet obscurity. yeah um but i was trying to pitch backstage what their next parody show should be yeah and i was

like oh just do kath and kim in star wars but who do you think is who in that oh so i was thinking this is my pitch yeah cath is darth vader uh-huh which makes um kim layer, right? Yeah, or Luke. Or Luke. Yeah. Then Sharon is the wookie. Chubaka.

Yeah. Yeah. And that was pretty good. Oh, that's very good. Thank you. And then Kel can be. Jabba. Han.

Han. And then. And then, yeah, I think that's probably pretty good. Well, who will Marion be? Marion will be Yoda. Because they go to her for advice. And then Prudent Trude will be R2D2 and C-2Pia. Okay, that's quite good.

Ma. And what about the dog? The dog. Oh, Kujo. Yeah. Can be, oh, maybe that's chewy. No. Sharon should also be, like, Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons.

Hmm. I'm not familiar with the Jetsons, I must say. Is that a universal crossover? Yeah. Or Lisa, as Lisa suggested, she was like, well, Sharon obviously needs to be Java the Hut. Oh. And I was like, Jesus, Lee's, like, I think. For what a reason?

Lisa kind of needs to be the one that's, we're. Because we were also casting the Matilda, Kath and Kim show. And in that version, Matilda is played by Sharon, who's gone... She's psycho. And Kath is Miss Honey. Yeah. And Kim is Miss Trenchable. Oh, my God.

It works. I like that. It works in every universe. Yeah. Well, yeah, so do you have anything to throw on that pile? Salacious Big Crumb should be... Yeah. I feel like, no, I mean, that's all pretty solid.

No. But when we need a palpeteen. Who else are we playing with? Could be, what's the name? You know. So also I had a listener come and see the show. Hello, listener. Or two, multiple listeners have come and see the show now.

And they always say it to me quietly While getting the photo taken They're like Husman I say like Don't let these guys know that I have a podcast And then one of the I only knew after

We were getting photographed And they had your phone case With the Evangelian Yeah phone case And I was like We've got an Evangeline fan in the house And then they were And I was in Marion

So I was like Oh Here we are And then Kim was like, oh, what's that? And I'm like, well, you know, we're fighting the angels, darling. And, you know, I've got the souls of those young preteens trapped inside robot bodies. Oh, my God. And the person getting the photo who was a listener was very excited.

And I was like, well, you know why I know that. Then now, don't you? Oh, which listener? Listener. Were they attractive, surely? Yeah, a babe. Damn it. Listener 743.

Yes. Cool Identify yourself Zelda would like to suck on your dick Oh Jesus Oh or eat your ass I'm sorry Oh my god

What? Nip play Knit play Can I say Can I say about the nip play The No well It doesn't need to be said

What I just have very sensitive nipples It doesn't need to be said It's better left unspoken These words are still unwritten Hmm No, I mean it goes without saying Oh, right

You seem sensitive It seems to be I mean we all knew I think I heard backstage Oh I'm just glad you know now At the backstage gossip During my time

The Thomas Jasper Who's playing Kim Was like I don't want to offend anyone In the room But before I do Just checking Is anyone here

Into Nipple play And I was like Oh what And then He was just like No I just I think it's so weird. Oh.

And just like, what the hell is it for? Oh. And I was like, I think it's like when people eat, like, I want to say cilantro, coriander, and they taste soap. Yeah. I think it's just like, if you are hooked up in a certain way, your nipples become an erogenous zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anything can be an erogenous sign, really. Matt. Matt, it's Christmas, okay? We're just trying to get through to the next year. So if you could just keep your... Know the line. Is that fast? I did the Art Center induction form online.

Oh, yes. What a snooze fest. Oh, my God. Safety first. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what's so patronizing about this induction? Each page on the induction has a little timer

before you're allowed to skip to the next page. So you kind of have to read. it. So, like, you either have to read it or put your phone down for 25 seconds while it times out. And then on one page, the know the line sexual misconduct page, it's got a two minute and 50 second video. Yeah. And then the timer goes for two minutes and 60 seconds. So you have 10 minutes to think about, 10 seconds to think about it. Yeah, well, that's it. Yeah. And so I'm like, I skipped through the video and then I realized that I was trapped. And I was in the bath at the time.

And so I was like, I can't even do anything else on my phone, lest I accidentally lose my induction. Oh, my God. Anyway, I was so mad. I was like, how dare you think that I'm going to skip this? And then you did. And then, of course, I did. But I love that when you're trapped into it,

unable to do anything else, you still chose to not just watch it. I would rather drown myself than have to watch that video. Yeah. And now I'll never know what sexual misclass conduct is. I didn't watch it either. I didn't watch it either.

Yeah, well, exactly. Your video, your sexual, I mean, your safety video. Sexual video. Your safety induction video for the podcast was really good. Well, yes. Yeah. You guys really go above beyond with your induction videos. We really make it a 4D experience to show you what you shouldn't be doing.

Yeah. Yeah. Can I say that I don't care how funky fresh your kind of video is. I don't want to see a video as training. like for example you know when like every plane flight you take you have to do a safety induction training video it's mandatory and you can't skip it

and so they show the whole thing to you while you're trapped into the plane and people in recent years have you know it started off very dry very just like like when I first started seeing these videos pop up it would be an air host standing at the front doing a little video in the plane that you're likely in. Now it's like drone footage through various locations where it's like we're sitting in chairs.

We're not actually on a plane. We're just sitting in random chairs but they miraculously still have the lifeass underneath them. Yes. Hate it. You don't, you're not delighted by the transportation? And maybe they'll be anywhere. I'm on the great wall pulling down oxygen masks. Like, fuck off.

And like, LL, Cool J is here. And like, whatever celebrity they can rope in for their specific airline. And I'm like, I don't, I want to go back to where there was like one charismatic steward who was like, this is my shit. Because I don't think, I think the light has gone. Because back when they got to do a safety induction at the start and they got to put their little zing on it. yeah oh it was good when you got a good one and then it kind of set up your relationship for the rest of the fly like live live yeah yeah where they're like fine hi my name's cori and i'm going to be your safety instructor today can you all look up to me what i so i'm not as perturbed

by the videos especially the air new zealand one because they're always lord of the rings themed um are they it's not the latest one let me tell you that honey i guess i'm set myself on fire and New Zealand but when the video is playing and then the hostesses are still doing the actions but like they're not miced up they're just like clicking a belt together and like holding a mask

it's like I'm watching the video stop distracting me from the video I hate it when they get on you about not watching the video sir can we get your attention on the video excuse me I've been on a plane before I'm going to die. It's not just your life. Take your time to familiarize yourself with your exits.

Yes. Oh, can't we sort that out when we're crashing? Famously, not really. Yeah, but like if we're crashing, do you know what I mean? It's like we're going to die. So just give up. Like, probably. Would you rather be Evangeline?

Lily or the guy Matthew Fox Yeah When I crashed on the island from Lost Correct Evangeline Yeah Because I have those fabulous freckles

I know And some big eyes Matthew Fox His character on Lost was a bit of a loser He's a bit Misk But also he's good with such Short hair

Yeah And it was like He lived his life Under incredible pressure Actually none of the People in that island Were happy No

Oh God Sad sacks, a lot of them Yeah Yeah, I'm just, I'm saying it like When that part of the industry died I think a lot of really good talent Was like suddenly Sent to just be in silence

You know I liked the crank I loved a bad flight You know safety instruction But they were always different I'm still talking about loss I think about like some old woman That was a real crank

she hates us and she's like make sure you use your mask first before letting someone else's let your child die before you secure your mask always check under your seat you never know what Oprah's put under there oh my god Matt question yeah okay you're on an airplane ride you're disappointed because I'm going on an airplane ride today you're on an airplane ride you're on an airplane ride you're flying in New Zealand but you're dismayed that the informational video has changed from Lord of the Rings themed to something else New Zealand themed and the ship's going down yeah yeah yeah yeah do you attach

your oxygen mask first or your child's um I would always do mine my own first wow that's what you're meant to do yeah but what if you know what I don't know what if like a piece of you suck up all the oxygen and there's None for the baby. What about like a piece of the wing goes through my brain or something? Yes. And so you could have used your last moments to save her, but instead you saved yourself. But what if I pass out?

Wow. And then she, yeah, that's right. So that's where you've got to do your own first. It's really hard. You get a big gulp of that oxygen. Big gulp. I really want them to just give me that air. Give me that air straight away.

I would like to have it just for the whole plane ride Yeah Like I think that's what I'd like Yeah Pure oxygen Yes Oh my god It makes you high

I don't know that I've ever had Just like pure oxygen Music Makes you Ha Disgusting Okay Okay

What do you think about the Himalayas Being all dirty Sorry Clean it up Wait what do you mean You got rubbish everywhere From, like, hiking. Yeah.

Imagine being a hiker and then littering. Yeah, people do it all the time. They do it because there's no bins. There's no bins in the Himalayas. But leave only footprints. No, because every ounce of weight counts for them. Yeah. So, as soon as they don't need something, they get rid of that thing.

That cliff bar, the wrapper's going up. But there's so much rubbish. Yeah. And, like, old tents and empty oxygen bottles and everything. Like, it's messy. Why don't they just do an annual clean? They can't. There's a story of two...

No. You die, Zelda. Four Sherpas who went up to try and clean some of Mount Everest. Yeah. And, you know, I want you to imagine, like, base camp is already so high up that you're, like, pretty much, like, suffocating from the second you get up there. It's just not enough hair. Yep. And then by the time you get up, it's just like hector.

But there's also like hundreds of pounds of litter, just up and strewn along those pathways, including the corpses of hikers. Lots of those. And like they can't be. There's like bridges, you know. They can't be brought down because it's like stinky. Yeah, smelly, man. Yeah. But like, then it's just like.

Probably locked in the ice too. Locked in the ice and like, large. The path is sometimes just like a ladder across a crevasse. A ladder of bones. Yeah. But like, sorry, they could take up construction equipment to build a fabulous ladder, but they can't remove a couple corpses. I feel like they're picking and choosing.

I don't think they're building any ladders. No, they're taking a ladder. Yeah, but if you can carry a ladder, why can't you carry a corpse? Why don't you carry a plastic wrapper? Those men did bring a corpse back down. mounted to his back. Oh. Yeah.

But don't you think it's like, oh. I don't like that. Yeah. I'd never considered. It's giving the picnic. Yes. From madmen, you know? Yeah, where they just leave all their waste.

Yeah. God, January Jones is so incredible. But do you think she, well, you saw her litter so you know she's not good. No, that's fine. I've also seen her with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth while she's holding a shotgun. That's pretty good. I wonder if they'll ever add her Emma Frost skin into Marvel Rivals. I really want to be so Cuntarella.

And if they add Betty as well. Yes. That too would be quite Cuntarella. You've also infected my husband with your Marvel Rivals. He's now playing Marvel Rivals with me. It's so good. I hate that. I know you do.

And I didn't realize how ugly that game is. Oh, please. Honey is ugly. You've been watching Overwatch. Yeah, those games are all ugly. Okay, well. Let me tell you, listener, I don't know if you've heard about this, but there's this game called Marvel Rivals,

and Zelda plays it all the time. Yeah. And now it's a community, community game, co-op or something. But, like, it's so, all these games that are like that, the other one, you know, what's the other one? Fortnite. Oh, that is ugly.

No, they're all ugly. They're all ugly. I know. The thing about it is, they're in these, like, for example, they were in the throne room when I was watching Zelda play with Curgeon. And so it's like this throne room, and the throne room is like a giant kind of stained glass cathedral. It's kind of like in a, I don't know, like, you can get hints of like a Roman Colosseum sort

of Georges or like the Sagrada Familiar, this like white marble. but like it may as well be anywhere because it's like the actual space is so big that like being inside of a building doesn't it's not like you're going through human sized hallways down small passages in the building and encountering each other everything is just big and out in the open so that you can fire as many blasts that each other as possible and you might it's like being in a location doesn't matter you know what I mean back when I played golden I you would go through hallways and it would occasionally open up into larger spaces but in this I'm just like you're just all out there in the open attacking each other

it depends on the map there is variety there are things but the game like the maps are set up to allow like all the different characters to inhabit them because if it was too tunneled like what does storm do when she's flying around she can't move well and that thing When everyone's special, nobody is. And it looks like, just like, visual mess. Because everyone's fired, everyone's got a special skill, and they're firing them all at the same time. And everyone's trying to make a quip at the same time.

And so it's just like, what does any of this mean? Speaking of the quips. So, listener, I'm sure you're aware, but Rogue, my all-time favorite comic book character came out on Marvel Ravours on Friday. So it's been a really big weekend for me. Thank you. What does she even do? So she really does it all. She can fly. She's like a brawler. So she like gets in there and like fuck shit up. She can absorb everyone's power and get like a little perk or she can like steal their favorite ability. So fun. But it's voiced by the OG like actor from the 90s cartoon, which is so

fabulous. Lenore who is Australian actually. with like such an iconic husky voice yeah um but speaking of the quips her line so like everyone has like we've talked about this before it's actually so boring but everyone has like a line when they use their ultimate attack know the line which is like the key to like when you hear it you have a very short time to react to like get out of harm's way or utilize it or whatever so everyone kind of has a line and hers is I'll take everything which is

really relatable wouldn't you say I'll take everything yeah yeah hmm okay I don't know man

I just like why do they all look like this they look hot everyone's hot everyone's got a fat ass fat ass if only you could see it you know

through the kind of just visual chatter of all these powers going off. Oh, I know, I know. Also, I just, yeah, I don't know. Well, I've been having a very fun time with Kurch. And then my friend Sam has also been playing, I've played with Jeremy a few times. Just roping people into your lifestyle choices.

Yeah, I know. It's great. Okay, that's all I have to say. It's your apocalypse. My apocalypse. Yeah. My apocalypse. Okay.

Yeah. So there's a world. outbreak of a super flu that's going to kill everyone and the government for some reason puts in charge of the administration of the vaccine which is developed and ready to go and could save lives um they the public handing out of this vaccine is put into the hands of the people that run loon the croissant plays yeah and so everyone dies because those people are so fucking an air and go on well we went to loon the other day can have you ever been to loon zelda

they're ones uh yeah they only I hate their stupid little tables you know that we need space to put our plate down so if you don't know about this listener from abroad or from another state Melbourne has this like as part of the like food culture Melbourne thing

occasionally like a few will rise to the top of the heap and become the kind of thing du jour and about I don't know nine of these cycles ago there was a croissontory called Loon

like Luna L-U-N-E it's got a little rocket with a croissant of the thing and so their head office slash flagship store was opened in Fitzroy and it is like a giant warehouse

that has been reconfigured on the inside to like, you know, by some design studio and in the middle of the giant warehouse they have a glass box where they force all of their bakers to bake with the full view of the public staring in at them which sucks like as if I fucking want to work in a place

where I'm constantly being perceived. Yeah. And then they have a long stone, like cement poured, molded into the ground service area, bench. And then no tables, just a long bench that skirts the outside of the large room, meaning that the whole huge warehouse has maybe 10 tables of four. Okay, so I've set the scene Then people go absolutely bug nuts for these croissons Which are good

Yes So we'll give it that And so for a long time It becomes this kind of tourist destination Where on a Saturday there will be lines out the door Here's where we get to Most recently Curgeon had seen a TikTok or a YouTube or an Instagram

about Loon's specific process for making their croissants and wanted to go and check it out and was like, well, we live really close to there, so let's go. And I was like, yeah, walk in. And we arrive and there's maybe like, it's a Saturday morning, there's maybe like four people in line giving,

like, you know, it's now being eight cycles. They're not the fresh diver in the town anymore. Yeah. And first thing first, like we're in line. I'm like, oh, this is going to be quite quick, actually. and I'm looking around at the cavernous like huge room with people sat all around the perimeter

no soft lighting no beautiful like chill vibes just an echoey room that is like if like you know these design studios that will do everything except for design something for the thing that it's specifically meant to do like it might have looked good in its like original launch photos for AD

but like this room is not inviting it has no warmth. It's uncomfortable. The acoustics suck. Everything about it sucks. It's cold. It's dark. It's like being inside of a cave. And you're also staring like you're in some sort of weird sore challenge looking at a bunch of bakers trying to like rapidly like meet the demands the room. What happens if they don't? Exactly. There's one pause system at the front of the room, a woman holding an iPad. had and also at the front of the room is where they set up the currently available you know pastries yeah but they are so far like towards the front past the line that there is no way of deciding what you're going to be buying until you are at the front of the line and then to add insult to that stupid fucking injury written in front of them is

the name of the actual product so if you were able to able to actually get a glance at the front of the line through the line, you wouldn't be able to read the text of what it was. You wouldn't say, oh, yes, I'm going to assume that's Aquitaman or whatever. And so it's not until, it's physically impossible to know what you're going to order until you were at the front of the line, meaning that if you were trying to make this line move quickly, it's actually impossible. And then the whole room had maybe 30 staff. There is one bitch at the front, but there's two pause systems for a Saturday, the busiest day.

We have four people back from the front. If this was a McDonald's, it would take less than a minute to serve all those people. Because when they walk in, they see the menu, they know what they want, they walk up, they order, it's like Bing Bang Bosch, if it's not self-service. it takes the dear sweet tourist people first in line when we get there a solid five literal minutes to get through the order process

and while we're doing that the person who should be operating the second pause has gone up to every single person in line and said are you going to sit in or are you getting takeaway? We'll see if you can get you a seat. For what fucking table bitch? You mean the bench?

Diva, I don't think it's that exclusive. You should add some more fucking tables and not have to worry about whether people have an appointment to sit down at your shitty fucking bench. And also, while you're here, go and work at the fucking cash register so people can purchase the fucking product. Anyway, we're waiting there.

And then he does eventually, having exhausted the line of people trying to be like, would you like to join the list of people waiting to go and sit on the tiny bench. Would you like the opportunity to one day sit on the bench? I'll see what I can do. While he's done that, there's now a line stretching out the door, the

heaviest two-story high door that doesn't have a fucking stopper on it. The line is now stretching out onto the sidewalk. You know, the sidewalk that needs to be accessible for anyone walking past Loon, not just Loon customers that are spilling out onto the street, which would be acceptable if the demand was that high.

But darling, the demand is not that high. This is just that fucking slow. Then we get to the next people. Now they're like pulling on their fucking binoculars to read what they've fucking written about this product. And we fucking finally get to the front of this line. And by that point, the line is stretching like so far out the door for absolutely no reason because there is enough staff to completely have exhausted this line within minutes.

Like it should be done. not at all and then we're standing there and the woman who's at the fucking pause just disappears waffes away into the depths of this cavernous building

and we're like standing there like we've now waited 25 minutes in a four person line and we see her kind of go and like pick up her like Stanley Cup and have a little sip like while there's a giant line out the window

out the fucking street having a little sip having a little quick chat with someone she's just kind of thinking about what her life might hold for her after this day starts preparing her tax I don't know and then that guy who'd been like

walking around with the clipboard comes over and he's like hi and we're like hello and then he like looks down on his clipboard pulls the pen out scribbles out a name looks down it for a bit longer and we're just like

okay so and I'm like like okay and then he's like oh yeah so um picks up the iPad logs in and then he's okay so what do you want and like can we get this this this this and this and this and then he's like oh I'm just gonna have to go and check the stock on that because I was like I'm going to take some like you know four croissants to the theater for my my drag sisters yeah yeah oh no he's got to go and check the stock I'm like why do you not know the stock level on these products that are sitting right here. You don't have a huge range of stock to know how many. You could even keep a running tally. It wouldn't be hard. And then he goes and checks

the stock. And it's like, okay, yeah, we can, we can do that. And then he passes that woman who's now, like, finally drifted back in off her little sit break after the exhausting job of serving three people. And she comes back and starts serving the people that she'd just kind of, like, stared at blankly for 10 minutes before she'd gone on her. little adventure and she starts like oh so what do you what do you want and they're like oh well we're just seeing this product now for the first time so we're just going to have a little stand here and have a look and then we finally like like get to leave that fabulous experience behind and we're standing now at the coffee machine watching the bruce to prepare like I don't know one of

the four coffees that they'd finally been gotten the order for yeah And then the guy's like, it come, like, it maybe takes him like 20 more minutes to go and get the like the four additional things that we'd look to add that he'd gone and checked that they had that potentially he could have boxed up in that moment when he went to go and check. But instead chose to like, oh, leave that. And when I go back and check a second time, I'll go and grab them then. And it was just, it was a exceed, it was just an incredible thing. I was like, there is no demand for Loon. There was just the most infuriatingly inept hospitality I've ever seen. Like, I just couldn't believe it.

Did you eat in? No, God, no. I was like, I don't want to spend another second. And also it's like, it's not comfortable when you're at the head of the line. It's now your responsibility to be the most. most efficient person human like humanly possible because there's now in the time that we've been here a huge line of people that like in an ideal world you're like being bang bosh let's just get these through and like get people sorted but it was just like and you know i don't

know maybe someone's just recently died maybe that's why they're acting this way or they've been given the directive to make it appear like lunas are very successful place and always has a line at the door and maybe that's part of why they operate in such a fucking insanely slow manner but like when I worked in hospitality if there was a line forming you would start to try and explain to the customer and manage their expectations of what was going to happen yeah so you'd be like okay so this is what we have that it uh hey I'm so sorry this is taking a second we'll get to you as soon as we can blah blah if you're going to dine in maybe we'll get you to come over to this side

and we'll just serve all the people who are getting to go and then we'll get you sat and blah, blah, blah. Just, there was no planning for having more than one person trying to order at a time. And I guess the first thing I would do would be have a visible menu as an idea. Yeah. To allow the customer to perhaps make a decision before there.

Before. Before it's crunch time. Yeah. It is such a wild thing when as the customer, you're trying to drive the efficiency or like you feel the pressure. Yes. It's like such a like that isn't how that should be.

But it's also not luxury. Yeah. And I think sometimes in Melbourne people may make like mistake something being annoying for it being luxurious. It's like oh, that's just how bad it you want it. Yeah, we don't really. Exclusive. Yeah, we don't really treat you well when you come in

and you're not going to have a good experience. But that's how like exclusive it is. You know what? Like I've been to Loon and I have the exact same thing and I've never been back because it's fucking atrocious. But there is a coffee shop in the city that I've started to, like I've been exploring different coffee shops now and working the CBD again. And there's this coffee shop called Bench.

Yeah. That is... The bench. Bench. It's so wankarella. Like it is wanky. Like there's like a giant like picture on the wall of like a. diva like holding a cappuccino and just it just like very kind of similar vibe it's like

cavernous but it is better thought out yeah and it's also like hole in the wall so it's very small and there's a long bench where you stand to wait for your coffee because it's designed really intentionally yeah and even though it's a wank and even though it's like very like oh you saw me in the window at Bench. Yeah, that's where I get my coffee, like, which I'm so not into. It's so good. Like, the vibes. The vibe. And their customer service is really strong. Yes. Like, so you go in, like, they have a similar situation where, like, it's just behind the glass, like, cabinet and there's no, like, big menu on the wall. Yes. But because they're really quick to process you, it's not an issue um oh i'm looking at bench now yeah it's got glass bricks yes yes and then when you're at the

bench waiting for your coffee they bring you sparkling water see and they're like here just while you wait and like it's all a wank like when they give you the bag with your like jalapino croissant which is maybe what i've ordered a few times you know it's like folded over perfectly and like the serviette is perfectly folded with the bag But it's a wank that's, like, worth it. Yes. Well, like, I love the, I love to see, like, how different people interpret, like, how could I make this really quite mundane thing, like, into, like, a high-end experience.

Yeah. Because that's interesting. And, like, how different design studios think about, like, what's a thing about the customer experience that they haven't kind of enriched and, like, all that sort of stuff. And then when you see it done badly, but in a way that's, like, badly and it's been poor behavior that's been rewarded, because people just see a cavernous warehouse space that's, like, like, got a long, you know, cement bench and assume that it means that it's the height of fucking chic, which is unfortunate because it's like, now it just is like, diva, this is so dated. This looks so, like, cringerella, like, 2016, like, broadsheet. go, girl, like. Yeah.

And, yeah, like, it's just unfortunate, whereas it's, like, there are places that have done such a good job of appointing themselves. And I love the, when the product is really, like, fabulous and undeniably good, which these loon croissons absolutely were. But it's like, yeah, when you have such a good time, you're like, yes. Yeah. I would absolutely spend that amount of money on that thing. Yeah, but sadly.

Sadly, the world is now going to die because the Center for Disease Control managed their loon rollout. Yeah. And maybe two people get the vaccine. Everyone else dies in line. Yeah, waiting, just coughing and waiting. And they're like, sorry, Kath just had to go

and have a quick, like, break. It's too much. Don't have a visible break. Disappear. Yeah. You know what? Your airing of grievances reminded me that I didn't air my grievances.

about a, like, taco restaurant that I went to with some people from work a couple weeks ago. No, it was in, like, I don't know, Kensington or something. And it was some of the, it was like maybe the worst restaurant experience I've ever had. Oh, tell me, darling. We had booked a table for eight of us. No one canceled. So, like, that's fine. but like we get there um the tables were put together we like sit and wait and then like no like no one came

over to like just bring a water or whatever but there was QR codes for ordering which is totally fine so like by the time everyone's there you know like we've handed over the flowers for the blah blah blah blah cute cute it's we booked early like it was maybe like 6 630 or something yeah so there were some other tables but not crazy yeah like it wasn't peak dine time

then we also had to put through our QR code like orders fine and then we're waiting and we're waiting and we're waiting and it's half an hour and none of our drinks have arrived and then it's another 15 minutes so 45 minutes someone

finally is like in the area enough for us to be like excuse like what it's going on hello and they came over and they were like um we have to cancel all of your drinks why we don't have the stuff to make the drinks we can't we can't make your drinks what day is it oh it was like what day was it? Hmm. I have a feeling it was a Sunday night. Right. So like, what?

Like insane. They're like, yeah. So we'll have to... You didn't know that 45 minutes ago? But also like put ice in glass, fill glass with beverage. Yeah. Like, also, what do you mean? Like, you need to be able to make the things so that you can make the money.

Because that's how the business works. If it's like, oh, we're not going to do... fresh shaken, like, margaritas with the full salt room treatment on this night when it's just me and Bev. Yes. But it's like, you need to know that before anyone has the opportunity to order it. And then the second it comes through, you say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Sorry, we were meant to put that on the, like, grade out thing.

So don't make us ask you where our fucking drink is. After 45 minutes. So it was like, there will be no drinks, like no drinks. There'll be no, like, libation. No. But they brought you water. By that point, we had drawn water from them. From the stones.

Correct. And it was like, we can do any of the drinks that are in a can. Oh, good. Because we can get that. Like a vending sheet. Yes. And it was kind of like, uh, we might be okay. Thank you.

And that didn't bode well. Also, we could kind of, we went right near the kitchen, but we could see the mounting distress in the kitchen team. and just these like piles of um receipts of like uber eats coming through and stuff we were like what is actually happening here then we'd been there for an hour still no food and no drinks and no drinks just water um and it was around the hour 15 that we were like is our like is any of the food ever coming and they were like oh sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry um yes yes it is coming then they returned an hour and a half later like no exaggeration

one of out one of like the people in our group were like i have to leave like i have something else on and none of the food has arrived then they came over and we're like we can't do this this this we can offer you a refund we're going to offer everyone a 20 percent refund anyway because of the delay we're so sorry and it was like but we've all already paid like we've already paid for the food because it was QR code so like how are you going to issue all the refund like yeah how will this work also what the fuck is going on and they were like so this afternoon none of the kitchen staff came in to do the food prep so by the time we got there around six the the team had just arrived and had started the prep and oh girl that

That's a nightmare. It was just like, understandably cooked. Totally. But it's like, I don't know, man. I'm not managing your restaurant. And then the poor staff were like on the phone to the manager in quotation marks. And they were like, we've had approval to give everyone 20% off, but we do need to cancel this, this and this. And it was just such a shit show.

Maybe like a, no, probably like two thirds of the food eventually arrived. but all split up. So like one person would eat and then we were waiting for other people. One person would die of old age. Correct. We'd have a funeral. And then some of the people went up and were like,

so how is the refund working? Like, I no longer want this because, da-da, like I need to leave and all this stuff. So in the end, we just won after one, like as we were leaving the restaurant, essentially had to line up to pay but had to line up to get a refund. and they couldn't do, for whatever reason, they couldn't do like a digital refund.

So they had to refund it all in cash. Oh my God. So we all left with like, I don't know, like 20 bucks worth of cash. Yeah. And it was just like, it was just insane. Like it was actually crazy. That is, but also was it, did it seem like there was just no manager there that night? Yes.

Like no manager. Oh. For whatever reason, half the team didn't arrive early enough to do. any of the prep and then it was just these poor people I'd be shutting that place down I'm sorry this isn't happening I'm not dealing with this shit tonight it'd be like all of you we're refining everything 100% and we're closing the doors yes like like go across the road these are my recommendations please have a nice life yeah because it was like and when we were lining up to leave it was clear that everyone else in the restaurant had been told the same information and

they were like looking with doom of like what they were about to have to do It was crazy. It was so crazy. This is a restaurant really more as a theory. Yes. But I also think that like if there was, if your kitchen team haven't rocked up and it's six o'clock before a dinner service. That's got to be when you pull the pin. It can't happen an hour and a half later when you're like, oh, well, I guess we have no food to serve.

Like you knew that. Yeah. But the manager should know that. Like, because it's like, I don't think that if you are a service worker and you are lower than a manager, you do not necessarily have the ability to make the call to shut down someone's business for the night. Yeah. But, like, they need to be taking care of and someone needs to say, no, you do not have to work this impossible shift where you're going to disappoint every single person. It was so wild. That is so shitty.

Yeah. I remember having, like, nights like that. Yeah. Working in a restaurant. It was just very like, oh, this isn't your fault, as in like to the team. Yeah. It was like they were so clearly just in this awful situation. A hellscape.

Yeah. Cooked. Anyway, I forgot to tell that story. And now I have. Well, I loved that story. Okay. I've got one. No, I'm talking about.

I do have a funny story, but we'll move on. Oh, I don't think anybody wants to hear another restaurant story. Do you have a funny story? Do you want to tell a funny story? Well, basically, I'll do it really quickly, right? So basically, I ordered eggplant parma at the part of the other night. And it was just so raw inside. And I don't know if you've had an eggplant parma where it's raw.

It's disgusting. It's like chewy, slimy. Yeah. Yeah, it was bad. So I took it back to the kitchen, which I don't think I've ever done in my life. And I was like, look, I'm really sorry. It's just not cooked properly. It's not like I don't like it.

It's just like it's actually cooked properly. It's just that it makes me gag. Yeah, it's like one makes me want to puke everywhere. Yeah. And she was like, oh, that's totally fine. Like, I'll get you another one. And then I went back to table and I was like, oh, God, actually, I don't think I've won another one. Like, it'll just be the same again.

So I went back and I was like, could I actually get the burger instead? She was like, oh, they already started making it. It's like, okay, that's fine. I'll see how it goes. and then she brought it back and in the meantime my friend was eating the burger and she was like the burger's really bad too like really really bad

I was like oh thank God I didn't get that then and then so she brought it over and it was like the same thing a little bit more cooked but it was still pretty raw in some spots so I ate as much as I could and I was like that's it anyway meanwhile my friends were like

if she comes back like you should have asked for like a nice dessert or something like something fancy. And so when she came back, she was like, how was it? I was like, it was still undercooked, but that's fine. I'm finished. And she's like, oh, do you want me to get the burger? And I was like, oh, no, thanks. You've lost your chance. So I said, what have you got for desserts? Like, can I get a nice dessert? And she was like, yeah, sure. Like, we've got a really nice bread and butter pudding. And I hadn't had a chance to look at the menu.

So I was just like, oh, sure, that'll be fine. Anyway, this other guy, this other waiter comes over. and he brings, like, this piece of bread with, like, sprinkles on, like, hundreds and thousands on top. And it was like a children's dessert. And I was like, um, and he's like, did someone order the fairy bread? And I was like, um, is that the bread and butter pudding? And he was like, yeah, yeah, that's the fairy bread button, prairie bread and butter pudding. Oh, my God.

And I was like, um, okay. So I hate this, like, I was like, I was like, It's like a deep fried piece of toast on custard with sprinkles on top. Oh, that sounds disgusting. But that was like the most adult version of all the desserts they had. It was like that,

Frog in a pond, which is Fredo Frog in green jelly. Or just vanilla ice cream with sprinkles on top. That were the three options for desserts. And I was like, okay, I got the best one, I guess. It's so weird. What is happening with Melbourne restaurants?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I never come on here and talk about the fabulous experiences I've had, but that's because I don't want to. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I do. Actually, just quickly, when, no, no, no, let's move on.

No, no, no, we've got to get, we've got so much to do. No, go on, it's funny. I went to this really, really pretentious cocktail bar. um with with reese when we were doing uh special reese dickleson when we were doing special um secret squirrel business oh yes and reese's husband karen and we and karen is like really good at sniffing out the good places to go and we went in and it was like immediately like i mean i don't know i just had not be like they i walked in and they're like still a sparkling please grab a seat like how are you feeling tonight we'll just talk you through what's happening on the menu.

Like really insanely good, like, customer service. And then, like, they were like, this is the menu. It's divided up into your classic cocktails. It's just a cocktail bar. Classic cocktails. This is, like, some fun kind of silly ones. And then these are, like, our really experimental ones. And the guy was like, so this one is, like, a Doritos Martini.

And I was like, that sounds crazy. so crazy well and I was like and I'm like everything here is going to be kind of ludicrously expensive for what it is but like a $40 cocktail oh god yeah

so if I just get a martini like you know I know what a good martini tastes like and then I'm sure it'll be great but like they are obviously doing insane like these insane other things so I have to do that so I was like okay so I'll start with that

crazy Doritos cocktail and when I tell you it was the most fucking delicious thing I've ever had wow it was the like because it was the the gin that they used had been distilled like with like the essence of jalapeno but like in this perfect it was not overbearing and then the oh like I can't even remember if it was a anyway it doesn't matter then then Around the rim was this, like, cheese, like, lime kind of experience that was, like, Doritos, but it had been processed in such a way that was not, like, a garish flavor that over, like, just made everything ridiculous. It was, like, beautiful, served perfectly.

And I was, like, I actually don't know what to say. Like, this was so delicious. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, like, don't get some. And it was worth the amount that I paid. Like, it was so well done. Yeah.

I was just like, I can't fault this at all. How cool. I know. I was like, goddamn. Yeah. That's chic. Yeah, it was really good. I was like, mm.

I like that. So that's a good experience. And I can't tell you the name because I can't remember it. Yeah, whatever. They'll be fine. Yeah. My listeners aren't going there. They're going to boost.

Hmm. Ha. Yeah. Well. We'll be right back. Be right. Hello, listen now. Oh, hello.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. That's good. We've had more in the speakhole. The pipe hole The speak pipe The voice pipe Speak pipe Yeah

You got to say the right thing So the listeners Now don't know where to go Speakpipe.com Slash death to everyone Is that right? Speakpipe. Yeah

Yeah, okay good Speakpipe.com Seth touch to everyone Speakhole is just like A missed opportunity Well yeah We'll start a new website Call that soon

Competing A competitor to speak pipe Speak hole Sure me a speak hole No, I believe this is from listener Charlie X-CX, who's sent through in Rappix Succession 2 speak holes. So, DJ Matt, would you play the track? Of course, here we go.

In chronological order, please. Yep. Hi, Lazy, I'm Zoda, Matt. Love the pod. Since listening religiously every week, I have incorporated maybe into my vernacular. I need to stop. Give me a new word.

Thank you. Maybe. Maybe. Oh, maybe, baby. And then what's the second one? The second one is coming right up and your ear holes right now. It's me, Charlie X, X, X again. As soon as I heard speak pipe on the pod last week,

I rushed to record a message, but I missed out on the ratings of the voices. So, please rate the straightness of my voice. Thank you. Ah. Well, definitely not straight as all. No, at all. It sounds like you're goggling a cock as you send that message. Yeah.

But, you know what really impresses me about your voice is the kind of staccata rhythm that it offers. These long gaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say this. And then this. Really keeps you on edge. Meaddle. Is it Kurt?

Oh, no. Maybe. Play it again. Is that my husband? Or is it Jandrews? That's not Jandrews. Who could it be? Keep guessing while I load it up.

Sorry. It's not Kertz. It's not. Although recently in the play, it's me. Charlie XX again. As soon as I heard speak pipe, on the pod last week, I rushed to record a message, but I missed out on the ratings of the

voices. So, please rate the straightness of my voice. Thank you. Not straight. Not straight. Not gay. Yeah, no. Well, actually, that could be a straight man in some variation. Oh, like a closeted one. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay, so my recommendation for you, Charlie X, X, X. Maybe it's just Charlie X, yeah? I mean, it could be. She probably would sound like that. Charlie. Because I write for you, Charlie. So I think that if you want to give up on, maybe.

Yeah, but don't give up on it. Maybe. Just add something else. I would say, like, sort of thing. The Sherilyn Barnes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's quite good. We say that quite a bit.

Yeah. And that kind of has a similar use in language. It's like, although you can say sort of thing. Yeah. but I do say that a lot and it is not something that like straight people say sort of thing yeah so it's like I don't know how it lands what about all right all right I mean that I also use a lot but I was going to say I would probably say get real get real yeah yeah that's a good one too yeah we know what we offer you a banquet

a fine banquet of things perhaps you haven't seen because you've been at the back of the line for so long but you know we've been waiting for an hour and a half our vernacular is your vernacular take what you like and leave what you hate yeah yeah and it's definitely not your girlfriend that you're going to leave because you don't have one

because you're a faggot thank you so much for another speak hole alright we'll be right bit welcome back you know what so there's my voice in the new show yeah my marian impression is just us doing this podcast oh i go hello my name is marian

and it's literally just deep podcast voice deep podcast voice it was three nights before chrisie and in this townhouse chrissy yeah you say chrissy chrissy oh that's fine you're feeling chrissy chrissy chrisie girls yeah yeah um yeah yeah Okay, so our next topic for discussion, and first topic. And final topic for discussion. Oh, final? Darling, it's six o'clock. We have a meeting.

True. Theatre. Which thing in theatre? So I was given this absolutely ridiculous opportunity to go and do a two-week run at the Fairfax studio at the Melbourne Arts Centre, which has not been like on my bucket list or anything. but you know sometimes things just happen to you that you know you're like aware when they're happening to you that it's someone else's dream and you're like well here I am in this thing that was just handed to me for absolutely no reason oh my god and now I'm doing it

and it's been fabulous but I'm sure that there is actors out there that would love to do a two week run at the art center but I'm not there but you are doing it but I am doing it but I am I'm doing it. And it kind of snickin' up on you. Like being on the Meredith lineup. Someone else's dream. Not mine. But what a great time that was.

That was my dream. Yeah. See, I'm living Matt's dream. I haven't done that yet. And he's living my dream. To have a child. Yeah. We could have swapped.

Yeah. I'll take the charm. Take the first born. Yeah. I'll take, no, I'm joking. I would never do that. I love you. I love you.

She doesn't listen to the podcast It's okay, she will one day Thank you The archive You all wanted I wonder what my I love you child But I could have been your child

I mean your mother So if you listen to this as an adult Know that you could have had a different life In another life Could have had a famous actor Yeah We haven't had a Katie update in far too long She's dating Justin Trude

And they just went to a sushi restaurant How silly is that? He's hot. He's hot. They look like they could be brother and sister. Do you think he has a better dick than Orlando Bloom? Those pictures were good of Orlando's dick.

I know. The dick shes. Yeah. I mean, I think the good thing about Orlando's dick in those picks is that, like, it wasn't like Hogg-Schlong 2000. Yeah. It was just a nice dick.

Yeah. It was a classy dick. Yeah. It was the dick you'd hope that Orlando Bloom would have. Yeah. But Justin has more a build, which I think is quite nice. Right. So I think the dick would be more hulking.

A hulking dick for Justin? Like thick. I think you'd know by now if Justin had a big hulking schlong. Hmm. It would just come up. As they so often do. Oh. Anyway.

Anyway. Having now been awarded someone else's dream to live for two weeks, also I love going down into the bowels of the building at the Fairfax studio because having been a child that grew up around universities, like going into them when I was like a very young kid on my sick days when my mom would be like, well, you can't stay home, so you have to come to uni with me. all of that infrastructure that was built around like the 70s, 80s and 90s has such a distinct, like particularly theaters, distinct smell and like aesthetic and like the fonts in use on all the signs that haven't been updated since the 1990s or like, so like running around downstairs where you like there's no windows because there's no daylight because you're in the basement.

Yeah. Where all the theaters are. and like all the fabulous never-ending hallways of dressing rooms and like the soundproof creams like acoustic tiles light up banister up to the like the canteen that they have up in there and there's a canteen that's just for stuff that's fun and when you go into that canteen it's like there's two screens of the different theaters showing the two different kind of shows that are happening one's the ballet and one's the kath and kath and kim show And there's all these, like, ballerinas running around. And then, like, they just open the canteen if there's people.

But, like, sometimes people just don't go up there. So there's just a woman who runs this canteen for nobody. I love that. And she runs a tight ship. She does. She should take a vloon. Never align. Ticks.

But it just, yeah, it's got such a fun vibe. And, like, you're just never running into people because, like, our show isn't very big so you're just running around backstage and all the things but um it has been fabulous but it does bring a question about we do of course have a theater yeah in the bunker we do where we play the nanny every night the cast is there except for brighton watch out yeah and they do indeed different episode every night so a question here is um What thing from a theater will get into the bunker? The drawstring for closing the curtain.

The rope? Yeah. The big giant rope. Yeah. Yes. That's a good one. Thank you. Counterweighted with a hefty sandbag.

Yes. I like that. Yeah. Counterweight. Yeah. Why don't you put the whole curtain in as well? They're so heavy and so big. We don't have a curtain that opens in our show.

Oh, it's just like open. stage dim lighting and do you know what can I tell you something faggots of melbourne yeah don't walk on the stage you little fags I hate that they were watching because they have a camera on the stage so you can watch from backstage oh that's fun which is so chic and one of them's infrared so you can see what people are doing in the dark what yes and so I was watching those homosexuals crossing the stage to try and get to the other side I'm like because it's kind of theater in the semi round. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, stop doing that. You're making us look bad. Like, we've got this tacky audience. You wouldn't do that to the ballet. Mm. I like parts of that. And then we have our gorgeous stage manager who sits there and calls the show. Yeah.

Hello. It's me, stage manager. How are you? And he's a great guy. And he goes, cue number 35. Oh. It sounds so official I know it is so official

The staging stuff that we've done Is so unofficial Yes The QLab Yeah everything Yeah But it's really funny then when things go wrong Like there was a shortout

I don't want to spoil the show But there was an effect That happened earlier in the show That shouldn't have happened And all of us were watching From the backstage camera being like This is ruining Oh, my God.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So what are your experiences going to the theatre? Um, like, come see the three-headed chicken. Get on in here. Fresh coffee and brandy for your son.

Chicken chaser. Yeah. When you go into that tent that comes down to the peninsula of a year. Well, there indeed was the rye. Oh, my God, carnival. But there wasn't really a theater in that. I don't think there was the Rosebuck kind of... A woman with no legs and an eye.

Well, yeah. But, like, big stage shows, little stage shows, like... Big shows, little shows. Community theater. High school plays. And I've experienced a range. On stage, off stage. What were you going to say?

say about Charlie, you said something to me last week about your role as Grandpa. Oh, Grandpa Joe and my singing lessons for Grandpa, when I got the role of Grandpa Joe in the Year 9, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Play. I had some singing

lessons because Charlie, of course, I mean Charlie, Grandpa Joe does of course have a few. Does he have a solo? Yeah, like, eish. I've got a golden ticket. That's out, Charlie. was me. Yeah, it was just fun.

Like, I don't know, hadn't done much singing properly before outside of the shower and whatnot. That was good. So, yeah, I don't know. But these things about the theatre that I definitely love, like counterweights and heavy ropes, love drapes, hate seating that's like too steep. you're going to fall over and die. I do love raked seating, though.

It's so fun. Because no one's, like, as a six-foot-tall person, at some shows where you're all sat on the floor. Yeah. Like, I do feel bad for the people behind me, and I'm like, I'm sorry, like, you can, like, yeah. Yeah. But when it's ranked, you're just like, don't worry about it.

But just have a bit of depth. Like, in the tears. Oh, yeah. Like, give me an extra one inch. sometimes. Yeah. Like when it's like, uh,

you know that you're going to have to tiptoe around people. So like, there's that consideration, but also just like not spooking people. Yeah. Like, just give me a bit more of like space to stand. So,

oh, I hate that. And like, stadiums are so awful for that. Well, thank God we're not talking about what stadium thing is getting in. Ugh,

none of it. Um, Except for maybe the turf. That's kind of great. Also, do they, like, spray those things on the turf at, like, an angle so when they're... They're used to, but they don't anymore. Now they're just part of the filming. It's all digital.

It's done in post. Because... It's like a live process. I love... The idea that they're, like, Telstra, but it's stretched out. Yeah. It sort of appears right on camera. That is so cool.

It's a dying art. Yeah. So that is my favorite thing about sports stadiums, but we're not talking about that today. Yeah. I don't know. What do you like about the theatre? I love, I mean, my early theatre experiences were like, I love when they put like a blue or red gel over a light backstage. Oh, yeah.

And it's like, we're hiding back here. Yeah. Love that moment before you go on stage. Yeah. And everyone's there and you're like, they're all going to wait to see us. Or you like peek through a curtain or you know, like, you know, like, you know. a way to look at the audience without them seeing you that's amazing yes i love the smell of hairspray oh yeah there's like a specific hair spray that was used in all my school productions

that really reminds me of those like warm summer evenings doing midsummer night's dream yeah um i love those old incandescent bulbs how like hot they would make the stage and make it all warm and that sort of thing um i love the moment when you know you've got like a good line coming and the audience is going to laugh that's so good yeah um but i also love in theater when like there's some massive insane stunt thing or like a giant thing is going to get lowered into the space or whatever and you just have no conception of how it even works or like how it got there and you're like yeah like cool stunts and like fun props that are like oh my god I can't believe I'm seeing this happen.

Like in those giant shows. Like I went in for Solaris at the MTC. And there was some like cool things where they like just the set would move and open up and like do all these cool things. We're like, how are they even doing this? Yeah. It's crazy. God, you would have hated the Lord of the Rings stage show. Well, I also love just one person on stage.

Inventing a world with their body. oh yeah you know i haven't seen that film solaris no this yeah no the no the what's that film is nicole in it the others you have seen it we watched it together the one that's like on is it dogma dog oh yeah dog dog dogville dog yeah i haven't seen that i haven't seen it either we should watch it yeah i like that i also noticed the cook the thief the wife and her lover his wife and her lover is on the plex now we should watch that the thief the wife and her lover the peter greenaway spectacular that kind of looks like a big stage show we should watch that oh anyway we're not talking about helen mirror and movies we're talking about the theater yeah what about

ushers oh yes i like ushers i like um i like lighting men always notoriously quite hot yeah Currently, we just have a small boy. He seems like a boy. He seems like he's 12 years old. And his name is Bone Crusher. And he kind of breaks the rule. But normally, in the theatre, when we've done that fringes, we like to have a really fabulous tech.

Tech. They're so fun. When you make a straight man laugh, it's so good. Yes, that is how you know. It's good content. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, tech is good.

Do you have, like, a stage hand who's like, get out there, get out there? No, that's the one thing we don't have that I feel like would be, like, make it feel like we're in a real, real thing. Like someone that hands you, like just babies you backstage. Yeah. But instead, we kind of baby each other. Yeah. Like, zip me, unzip me? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. But we do have those little radio mics. Ooh, that's fun. Wait, does it pop out on your forehead? No. Comes out a little like Madonna style. Okay, yeah. Which I'm like thrilled about. Yeah. And goes under the wig. Oh, under wig. Well, you know, like the ear bits are covered by your wig. Yes. What about is it? What about us? What about all the things. Is it, what if you breathe really heavy? Does it pick that up? Well, they, the stage manager does such a good job of like timing when your lines are coming in and out that he's like, the sound is never on. and you're not meant to be talking. Does that stifle improv?

No, I don't think it's like, oh my God, like, we're going to cut it between each line. But like, it's not until your bit starts that they're like, okay, and we're coming up on lazy. Are you hearing other things than just what you can hear naturally? No, we don't have earpieces in. We just have mics. So we can't even tell sometimes if we're being like really amplified.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Oh, what fun. It is to ride. So Madonna Mike, there's another option. Madonna Mike, blood packs, squibs. What? You know, if you're getting shot in the show.

Did you see that story that Madonna put up the other day with her nipples? No. She just looked so amazing. Incredible. Yeah. Anyway. Matt, what do you like about the theater? I like that waiting in the wings.

that's my favorite part it's nearly my time yeah I don't want to go outstage I just like watching the the show from the side yeah what do you think about coming out at the end

and then holding hands up we go and then down yeah well actually I did a kid show earlier this year imagine you said a bit old to be in a kid show imagine by

was it called imagine yeah it was my John Lennon in Post Smashing, sorry. Oh, oh God, it got worse once you explained it. By, as a children's book by Alice and Lester. It's very cute. Imagine the dream.

And at the end, they, everyone leaves a stage, except for me. So everyone gets their little moment, you know, good on you, you did a, you know, clap this person, clap this person, clap the lights, clap the sound. And then everyone leaves, and they put on a little moment. little track for me, just for me. And I got to, like, dance around and play this, like, sort of, like, barnyard theme song. And it was about you. No, it was just like a little, you know, like a little sort of country farm song.

Yeah. Do you think that was your moment or you were just, you started dancing around really funny when they were trying to play the outro music? And you're like, what's he doing? Well, yeah, I thought everyone was going to be on stage with me, but they all left. I just let him have it He does this every night And then all the people in the crowd

Like stand up And all the kids are like clapping It's nice It was a nice moment I liked that Yeah It's like a good way to end the show On you

Just on me Yeah The main character Well you gave them The thrills and chills Of Live Fidil Yeah Well I didn't have any lines

I was just playing violin On stage the whole show There was no other instruments It's just me for some reason. Just said violinist. Matt, were you in the show? Was this a dream? I was waiting in the wings

and then suddenly I was on stage. Just play violin over the whole thing. Yeah, that was fun. Okay, so you know what I really want that I've never been able to experience on stage? A trapdoor. Yes. With an elevator to take you up to

stage. Yes. That's... Or you're going up through the stage. You're not going down. Or down. Or down. Little smoke and then a slow... Oh. Oh. Yes. To that.

Yes. What would you use it for? Oh, I mean, I'm a witch. Yeah. Appearing or disappearing. I've fallen over, but I've like, I've disappeared, fallen over. Fallen through a manhole. You thought it was a mistake, but actually it's part of the show.

Yeah. I like that. What else? I've had enough of you, and then they disappear. Yes. That's good. I don't know.

What are you thinking? Oh, it's quicksand. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Or like just rising up. Like grow potion? Yeah. I'm getting bigger.

Or just at the start of the show. They're like, where is she going to come from? The left, the right? Underneath it all. Do you think it has more impact than an aerial, like, drop? Like, on a wire? I think the thing about the aerials is that that is far, like, everyone's impressive on a trapdoor lift. Uh-huh.

I think maybe 10% of people are impressive once they get lifted onto the wires. Mm, because the comfort level is really, you sell the fantasy. Whereas, like, pink always looks impressive on a wire. Mm-hmm. But don't say it. What? I dare you not to say Kenny Perro in a wire.

Is it incredible? For some reason, I wasn't thinking necessarily of Catherine. Catherine. Who are you thinking? No, I just think, you know, sometimes it's hard to look on a wire. But you know when, like, they do it in the Chixie and Cartier show?

Yeah. That's an incredible use of wire work. Yeah. Just suspend my limp corpse above the stage. But it just means now we can't do that. Yeah. Apparently, it cost them like $7,000 to do that at each theatre. And what does a humble trapdoor cost? That's right.

It's just a hole in the ground, really, when you think about it. I got a chainsaw. Well, exactly. A sinkhole beneath the theatre? Okay. Trapped door. Trapped door. And that works for the nanny.

Yeah, Gracie, where are you going? Woo! Yeah. And every episode, Fran just slowly emerges. Yeah. Oh, my God. I would love that. Yeah. Okay, that's great.

Okay, excellent. So, this week on this slightly truncated episode, the new word that you are given instead of, maybe, is, well, kind of thing. Or what else do we have? Get real. Get real. Yeah. Thank you, listener.

That's your new phrase. And then the thing we're taking from theater is trap doors. Yes. And the way the world is ending is lose. Yeah, no one in the bunker gets a loon croissant They died waiting in line Thanks for listening, everyone We love you

Matt, give him a kiss I don't think you want me to Matt, give him a kid I got mocked for my kisses last week Remember your daughter will be listening to this in 16 years Give her a kiss, go on Give your daughter a kissy No, thank you

I'm alright this week Well Your real mommy loves you very much You did the moire That's my moire What I was saying Mois last time

Oh There it goes We got one We got a little kitty Oh enjoy your kissy from that You hated it last time I was a different person back then Now I'm a thespian

What Is that like a lesbian No A Thespian I thought you said Thesbian. I did say Thersbian. I don't care.

I'll say it. Okay. Goodbye. Death to everyone was recorded at National Habitat What? National Habitat Studios by Matches. Our theme song and music

was provided by Edicentric and Angus Thessley. If you've got something to say to us, send it to us at Niftoveramphot.com. And won't you support us? please add ptriot.com.com center to everyone add it to the speakpipe speakpipe.com such as to everyone goodbye