Death To Everyone - Death To… Things In The Long Grass, Saunas and Hotels

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

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And welcome everyone to death to everyone. Oh, bonjour, oh, do you video? No. Continental today. We are continental young women. We are. My name's Aldermune.

And I'm lazy Suzanne. And who's that? It's Matt. Hi, it's me. Hello. Matt. I'm in the room today. Yeah, now I can see checking your phone.

I check my phone constantly during these podcasts. Who are you checking your phone for? I just fact checked everything that you say constantly. and how to be, what's our percentage? That's a good 40%. Oh, Matt. While you're there, could you go to the notable people

of Upway and the Wikipedia? Just back-checked that. I know you're part of that list now. I do. Wait, you are part of a list? Uh-huh. Who did that? One of our listeners.

Well, listeners, recently I performed my first ever, quote-unquote, hometown gig at the Belgrave, at Sukki. tavern, which is like, I'm not. Suki's tavern. It's called Suki Lounge. Oh, used to be called Ruby Rube Lounge. Anyway,

Suki's. Suki. Suki. Suki. I grew up in Upway, which is the town over. Sorry, we're all eating lollipops. Why did you give us lollipops just before we went on? You're trying to sabotage the show.

Welcome back to Squelch Factor. Anyway, a town over for. from where I grew up my entire life, there's something so incredible about performing in your hometown. And I went for Belgrave Pride. Oh, that's nice. And I met these people and they were like, so you're from Upway and I'm like, yeah, check the Wikipedia.

Oh, my God. I'm a notable person from Upway. So take that, Rory Sloan and Shay Sloan. Wait, I want to be a notable person from the Mornington Peninsula. You can't have the whole Mornington Peninsula. Well, Rye? Yeah. Okay.

Wonder who's on the thing for Rye. Yeah, can you look and listen to them? I hope you're listening to this. I don't know, like, what do you want them to say next to you? Incredible drag queen, Zelda Moon grew up in this town. And then what do they say? Then she left. Rye Victoria, then she left.

But her legacy lives on. Let's see. Okay, Rye. Can you guess the population of Rye? Um, two, um, 200. I, I left 190. Two hundred and seventy thousand.

100,000, obviously. 9,438. 9,000. It's a small, it's a suburb. I don't know how populations work. Oh my God, they don't have any notable people. Wow. Oh, I love that.

You could be the only notable people. people. Is there like some gross thing there where it says Rye Beach? I tell you what, it does have some weird categories that I haven't seen on other wikis. It has Fire Brigade. Yeah. A lot of stuff about the Fire Brigade, which I'm like, okay. And then Rye Pier, where scuba diving, shore dive site sits in Port Phillip.

Leafy Sea Dragon. And it has the categories history and today. Yeah. Yeah, golfers play at the course of the Moona links. Yeah, Moena. They do have a list from the Morning to Peninsula, actually. Oh, what is it saying? Notable people.

There's a few people. Who's notable? John Holland, the engineer. Tom Holland. John Holland. He's not from the Morning to Peninsula. Brad Pitt. Shut up.

The boxer. Yeah. So no one. Mick Malloy. Oh, that's a good one. Peter Mitchell from the news. Yeah. It's from the Morning to Peninsula.

There you go. So you could be on this. this list soon. Yeah. You just got to do something notable. Get her. I guess if she stabs you to death right now, that'll be notable. She doesn't have a sharpen lollipop in her hand. I'm not sitting in the studio today, maybe for the last time. Because you'll be whisked to notoriety. Far from how. So let me tell you quickly about my time at Suki Lounge, where you've played

before, Matt. I didn't see any posters or like, you know, memorabilia. Yeah, I didn't see any like little plates that said like on this day, this band matches played here. Yeah. Weird. That's sad. But I went in and I had been like invited to do like Belgrave Pride and I was like I didn't know that they were having a Belgrave Pride. And the woman that booked me was like, yeah, it's part of my degree at Collarts.

But we have to put an event as part of our studies. And I'm like, oh my God. This is a Belgrade pride. This is just me in your heart. homework getting paid. So that's all that matters. Yeah. And she was like, we've just invited a bunch of community people who run queer-led organizations

or queer-specific organizations around the hills. And they're going to talk about what they do, but we wanted you to top and tailor it with a performance. And we have an amazing DJ on later on. And I was like, ah, sure. So they take me down to the dressing room, which is like a fortress, like a bunker vibe. Cool.

Like low, um, bare neon bars. I think I've been in there. Yeah, it's like kind of the dank smell of feet and posters on the wall and like an assorted patch of various carpets that look like they've come from like an office space. And the woman who organized it for her studies was fabulous. Her name's Coral. Coral. Coral. Coral.

Or as Laura Linney says in love actually when she's talking about a guy called Carl. Coral. Carl. And met a bunch of people from. call arts, which I kept saying S-A-E, because we'd just been shooting at S-A-E. I was like, how is S-A-E? And they were like, call arts. They're enemies.

And we were chit-chating, and I was like, so who's the DJ? And they're like, Porsche. And I was like, Porsche, cool. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, she just won a DJing award for like, most performative or like, most activated performer. And I was like, that sounds very cool. And they were like, for the best part about Porsche.

is that she is a twin and she has a sister. And I was like, yeah, an exact identical twin sister. And they're like, yeah, yeah. And they're like, and her name is Mercedes. As if Porsche and Mercedes? Wow. And she hadn't arrived yet. And so I went and kicked off the show, which was quite fabulous.

And there were just a bunch of like old lesbian women who were fantastic, my favorite genre of queer, particularly at a queer event, like just like very butch women in their 50s, 60s. That's where they go after they hit 50. It's just, and they were like, and then like gay guys in fedora's in their 50s and then like young non-binary kids, like who had just turned 18. And we can't make it up the city yet. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

They're all chumped. Although there was a bunch of people that had come in. from like Fitzroy and Northgood and stuff because they were going to call arts or like new various people and one gal had come in because she knew me Lazy Susan

All the way in. She'd come in, yeah. All the way out. To hang out with her jeeph-thief. Maria. Anyway, I came back from this like event knowing every single person's name Curgeon was like how do you remember these people's names

and not a single other person and you've ever met in your life's name. And I'm like, I actually do not know, but like, I swear to God. I like that place. Who are you? Yeah, I'm like, I do not remember people's names. I'm so bad with names. And then like these people, I'm like, yes.

Oh my God. Ben, how are you? And Charlie. And Mercedes. Yeah. Anyway, so then one of the highlights was this woman getting up to talk about the Silver Sisters of the Hills, which is for lesbian women who wanted more queer femme spaces.

I think it was them at least. And they got up and one of them hit the main stage behind the mic to talk about what they do and the kind of events that they run to get lesbian women together. And then her friend had come along, Nancy, and she had pink dyed white hair. And she was slaughtered drunk and American. And it was fabulous. And I was like, do you want to come on stage, Nancy, with your friend? She's like, no, no, I'll sit here.

And then she sat on the edge, like the lip of the stage, like Judy Garland. and looked out to the crowd and kind of was patiently waiting for everyone to simmer down so her friend could speak. And then she started speaking about like, oh, so we do this, we do this. And she's like, it's so good you can come along on a Sunday and drink some wine. And then her friend behind her was like, it's actually a dry event. We don't do any alcohol. And she's like, yeah, you don't have to drink there.

And then she's like, sorry about Nancy. She's got a drinking problem. And then she's like, yeah, I do. I don't have a drink. That's the problem. And then her friend behind her was, like, throwing her hands up in the air and we're like, Nancy. And they were like, did a solid five minutes of like unscripted the best comedy I've ever seen to like

early 50s, like lesbian women just nailing every single part of this. That's amazing. And Nancy, of course, at the very end of the night after I'd been picking on her a bit, like shows up back at front and center of the stage. And it's like, what am I. Man, it's been. And they're like, Nancy, what are you doing here? And she's like, we need to find a way to get all of us here together on a kind of online registry.

So we know where all these groups are. We can all get in touch. This has been fabulous. Who can do that? And I was like, Nancy is delegating right now. This is why we need lesbian women. She can do two things at once. Be completely fucking tanked and still delegate and organize a kid.

community online registry of queer organizations. And that was incredible. And then the woman outside that I met was talking to me about, she's like, you know, I like I'm young. She was like 65. Oh my God. And she's like, I've got my little piece of fluff on the side. And I was like, go on.

And she's like, she's 60. Pretty good. And I was like, incredible. Wow. Yeah, so it was like a really good, good old time. And then I met this, this chook that was like, oh, I'm from Upway as well. And I'm like, amazing. And what street is that?

And she's like, oh, Hugh's Street. And then she said, like, I live at number 61. And I know, this is a fake number. But I live at number 61. And I was like, oh, my God. I grew up at number 60. Wow. Like we, isn't that crazy cross the street?

Wow. Was she your neighbor back then or now? No, no, just now. Hmm. Yeah. How cool. Incredible. I like that.

Anyway, weird, but like a nice visit to the hometown. Cute. And I did tell everyone that I was on the Wikipedia to take this all back to zero. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, is anyone here from the Mornington Ponych? They call it the ninch. The ninch. The nine inch nails.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah. Zella, what about you? How was your week? My week was good. You didn't take a date to a family affair, did you? I hazard. Why, yes, I did.

I think you don't need to give too many details, but I think it is important for the audience to know. Yeah, so it was, I have a number of nephews and one niece. And a bit of fluff on the side. And it was, yeah, we had a family bowling event last night on the niche. Actually, only kind of. but it was in Frankston. Franger.

I did write my mother a message being like, oh, I'll be at Franger at this time. And then I, like, went back and wrote out Frankston because I don't think I've ever said the word frangar to my mom. But anyway. Don't start now. No. But yeah, I brought this guy that I've been seeing to meet the family,

which was quite, I don't know, it's been some time since I've done such a thing. Did they have much warning the family? I, my brother knew. That you're gay. And my dad didn't like, get over it. Didn't know that he was coming but kind of knew that there was someone out and about. But I messaged both my mom and my dad separately being like, okay, so I'm bringing this guy.

Please don't terrorize him. Please act cool. Yeah. And everyone act cool except for my three nephews and niece who were like, so do you love each other? When did you meet? Do, why don't you kiss right now? Yeah, right. Did you kiss right now for them?

There was, okay, so like, mm-hmm. It was just, like, bless. And I like, I love that I'm so close with my family, but like today, we're in the little onsuit next to the, like, guest room that we stayed in. And we're like. Fucking and suck in.

Yeah. Yeah. And we like have one minute to ourselves. And we're in there brushing our teeth before we go. to come here, essentially. And we're like in the bathroom and I'm like giving up a kiss. Oh, wow.

And they open, like, my younger nephew and niece opened the door and they're like, and we saw you kissing. And then they bolt and run through the house being like, Uncle Kame was kissing. It's like, okay.

Sorry about this. And why would you expose children to that kind of, you know, the hate? Well, if not now, when? Yeah. Yeah. And if not who, a man. Yeah. And then, like, we're on a, like, walk this morning and they're like, can we call you

gunkle as well? It's like, leave this man. I didn't realize that this was happening already. I didn't realize that your niece and nephews were calling you gunkle. They have never before. Where did they pick up that? I don't know. But earlier today, they were like, I think.

I think because, yeah, they've not, like, seen me with another guy like that in quite some time. You've been gay in theory. I've been gay in theory, but today and yes, last night, it was gay in practice. Like, very real gay. Yeah. And, yeah, they really, they jumped on the chance. They asked me this morning, like, Uncle Kane, can you, like, can we call you Guncle? Guncle Can.

Now that you're actually gunk. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I was like, sure. Yeah. Gunkel, in theory, doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So do you think they're going to call you Gunkel now? I don't know.

I don't know. And do you think they're going to like ask you about this man for the rest of time? Yes. So like you have only one option now to stay together forever. That's pretty much it. Because otherwise when you show up alone, they'll be like, where is he? Where is? He broke my heart.

Don't talk to me about Gungle too. Yeah, so that was pretty funny and intense all at the same time. Romantic. We made some really great first impressions as a family. Like when we left the bowling alley and left one of the children in the arcade, were at the cars loading everyone up into the seats. And it was like, wait, where's child number four? Oh, fuck.

Well, you know, it's charming. It's like no way back. The child was fine. They were on an arcade machine, had no idea that we'd all left. So little things like that That little potato How cute I think as well

If he Because you said that he was not traumatized For this experience Not weirdly no No I think that that is Honey You have got some in laws to me If he's not traumatized

Then it means that his family's crazy Oh God Yeah true Yeah you all get you know, freaked out about your own family and then you see their family, you're like, I don't know, half of them are in Scotland, so that's okay.

Ah. Is his dad the Loch Ness? Yes. That's why he's so tall. Incredible. Yeah. Amazing. Okay, so you're going to Scotland.

Uh-huh. In a couple weeks. Are we angry? Excuse me. Yeah. Yeah. So that was cute. What a thing to do so early.

I know. Why? Why would you do that? I didn't feel. Well, okay. So as I loosely explained in the car, like, it was meant to just be bowling in like the... I don't understand. Your definition of this making it okay doesn't actually do anything.

Is it too soon to invite someone? Tell me what you thought it was going to be okay. Just bowling. Is it? Yes. Oh. You psycho. Why did anyone tell me this beforehand?

I thought laughing at you was enough. We tell you all the time. Do not send those suggestive emojis to people. I have a lot of feedback about the suggestive emojis this week. Do people agree with that? Yes. Oh, my gosh. Simbers unanimously, yes.

Horny face, winky. It's cheeky devil. Even you saying that. Listen to what you've said. What? Tiki devil. The devil is not just innocently cheeky. Yeah.

He's mischievous. He has ulterior motives. You can be mischievous without being horny. Not the devil. Not the devil. The devil enters through the loins. Well, anyway. Yeah.

I don't know. Dating for three months has now met the family. Is that too soon? Well, yes. I think three months is all right. No, no, no. Listen, I think if it was like three months of like the most intense dating. Which it hasn't been. It's like, you guys have been on a good, like, rate of dates,

not a too much dates, but like a once or twice a week kind of date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now, you didn't put your relationship in a pressure cooker of like every day. No, but I did put it through the pressure cooker of like, come meet my entire family and spend the night at my brother's house kind of way. After three months, I think that's a good test. You think that's a good, thank you, Matt, thank you. Yeah, it's a bit of a make or brace. What? What? So when did you introduce your now wife to your family? When we were married. No, no, no.

I cannot remember. It was like 12 years ago. Yeah. Long time. Long time. I guess, no, but I had been in a few relationships before her. And then, yeah, and then when I met her, I was like, oh, this way. is different.

Yeah. You know, so that was okay. So you hadn't introduced the previous divas. I think they'd, yeah, no,

no, well, I lived at home, so I had to. Yeah. I think that's the thing. Like, when you're young,

it's, your parents are much more, like, main characters in your life. Yes. Um, and like, they're just going to,

like, show up at the same places, which I think is like, in the first three months, generally, how you do it. Yeah. If you're an independent woman,

like Zelda is. Yeah. It's like Carrie's, boyfriends never met her parents. Well, I mean, I prefaced all of this with like, I'm just putting this out there. I realize that this is a lot so early, but I just thought it'd be cute. It's very cute. But he was like, I don't know, he didn't have to come.

But that's what I was going to say. It was meant to just be bowling at like 4 o'clock in the afternoon, just go bowling, and then we go home. But it kind of got like pushed back because the boys had basketball. at like 4.45, which meant we then had to go bowling at 6, and then it turned it to dinner. So by the time we had dinner and Mornington, it was like 10 o'clock at night. So I was like, what's the point in going? Sorry.

Am I boring you? Let's just check your message. Sorry, go on. You know, the TikToks aren't a direct message to you. They're just out into the world. Maybe you don't get messages through your TikTok, but I do. So anyway, it kind of escalated And then it was like

Oh no, I've trapped you in this like Entire 24 hour experience But anyway It's trapped on the niche It seems to have been fine But if listener If you never hear about this person again You know that it wasn't fine

Well this is the first The listener is really hearing about this Oh there's a few hints over the last couple weeks Yeah We've been breadcrumming them But now she's loved up Oh God She's like that show

She's all loaded up She's all loaded up Love. Actually, no. So annoying. What? Because you're visiting family. Yeah.

It's such a buzzkill. Yeah. On the ninch. No. Not an inch on the ninch. Well, we, like we, okay, so. That should be the, there's no slap and pinch on the inch.

There is like, I pre-warned him because my, yeah, nephews and niece have a endearing habit of, rushing to the bed first thing in the morning, like whether that's 5.50 or 7 o'clock or whenever they wake up. Because, you know, just to like jump in and be like, good morning. Hello. They're visitors here. Which is normally fine as it's normally just me.

I think you've experienced this before. I have experienced these children rushing me. I thought, why are they not locked on the door? But very cute, whatever. That's the opposite of what I just said. Oh, my God. But so last night I was like, okay, so like, yes, I do think we should sleep naked in the bed together. But I'm putting your underwear next to you on the bedside table because there's a high chance that the children will rush in in the morning.

The children. And he was like, okay, yeah. And then in. And then indeed this morning, that exact thing did happen. And so like as soon as I was already. already awake so I heard them like like fucking tearing through the house towards the roof and so I grabbed mine

and by the time that they were in I was like kind of pulling my undies on under the covers and they're like Uncle Katie you're not wearing any on the world I was like yes but I am now and then while that's happening he's next to me like pulling on his

I'm like, oh. I was like, don't get in the bed. We'll come meet you for breakfast. Do you know what? Your brother needs to invest in some locks for his guest room. I tried to lock the door last night because I was, but there is no lock. There's no lock.

So, yes. We need locks for the privacy. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And the gun. And the gay thing. Yeah.

And it's a new house. There should be. It's weird. It's weird. It should be locked. on every door in the house. No privacy and family. Yeah.

Is that true? I lock myself in the bathroom sometimes. That's why everyone thinks dad's poop for so long. They're not actually. They're just sitting. My dad used to do that. It was like he's like recharge time, private time. He'd take the paper in, just read the whole paper on the toilet for about an hour

and a half. Jesus Christ. Hmm. But anyway, that was my. Cute little weekend away. Yes. I'm leveling up. Very pro this.

It's all very fabulous. It's very cute. Yeah. Anyway, that's that. And now in a quick update, I watched the film. It ends. Oh, my God.

And it was good. Zelda was crazy. I'm sorry to judge so quickly. It is not good. It is good. Have you seen it? No, no. It's good.

I watched the trailer. I agree with you. I think some of the dialogue and performances were a little bit stilted. Yeah. But I think it's like a very low budget film. Yeah. But like admirable in what it was able to achieve. But I thought it was like a fun, like the concept of doing this kind of like just in this car people trapped and like the.

I don't know like the allegory of like going through life and like kind of deciding how you're going to approach your own mortality. It's like really, I don't know, I found it very resonant. And then I watched the long walk

with that Cooper Hoffman, Philip Seymah Hoffman's son. And I loved that. So I had like a double doze. And it had, what's her name? say goodbye to these oh kitty kitty she played the mum

the screaming mum in the dystopian future where the boys have to walk until they die oh yes oh you were telling me about that yeah they got to walk until they die honey and if they if they slow down beneath

three miles an hour they get shot in the head with a machine gun by whom by the convoy driving behind them But in the book, it's really like, like, goes into graphic detail about like when the boys need to shit. They just shit. Like that's part of the book. While they're walking?

Yeah, because you can't stop. Why can't they stop again? Because it's like the, it's kind of like a hunger gamesy thing. Oh, initiation. Like the way that they keep the public satiated every year is they do this big long walk where like boys nominate themselves. And then, like, they're like, I don't know, from like 15 to 20 or something, maybe. Yeah. And they walk and walk and then get picked off one by one.

And then the last one standing gets a wish granted. And they can have whatever they want. A wish granted. By the, like, major general of the army that's kind of running the American government at the time. But the thing that they don't shy away from is all the shittin. men walking and shitting Oh so they don't shy away from it No there's a lot of yeah a lot of that

In the books No in the movie in the film Yeah Oh in the movie too There was one guy Who was like an extra Whose whole job The way that he died

Was that he started just getting the runs And so like it's him stumbling Trying to stay walking at three miles an hour And like pulling his pants down And like Like waddling back and forth And shitting And they shoot it

With like a CG like effect of shit pouring out of his art and I was like this is his first film this first IMDB credit they're like let's roll that back and do it again shitting man

shitting boy three having done our show the Witcher girls which you should all buy tickets for now we when we shot the show set up in a studio and put this like very thin

like shitty shag rug on the cement floor. And then without thinking, just being like, well, and that's it. And the majority of the episodes has us kneeling on this, like floor doing spells on the floor because we're teen witches.

By the end of those days, shooting in that studio, our knees were fucked. Yeah. Because... I feel like my nose are still chrono fog. Like, it was so... Could we put like a mat underneath?

Like a yoga mat or something? Had we thought? You just put up with the... But like, by the time, like, we couldn't just like say, Okay, stop everyone. We need to go and lift all the furniture now off the rug and all the gear and get a mat in underneath it. But it was Hellscape.

And these people on this movie had to walk every single day in every shot of the film. They are walking in the elements. And the camera crew has to move. Everything has to be constantly in motion. I just, nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. I do watch movies sometimes now.

I think that's poor actors. Yeah. Yeah. It's why like, you know, there's people on Titanic all went crazy because they were just like in lukewarm water all day. Oh, were they? Yeah.

Having a little swim. Yeah. Having a big swim. Well, they have to be on their knees in that giant tank when like obviously like all of them are after it's just sunk the Titanic. That's like in a giant interior studio in like slightly warmed water but it's a huge tank so you can't really warm it up enough. And it's not very deep.

So they all had to be on their knees in period costume. Be like, help, help. Makes the acting easier. I'm slightly warm. I'm in cold. Yeah. Dash. Well, Zelda.

Yeah. How does the world end today? As is our want every week. Yes. Okay. Hmm. I thought you thought about this. I was going to.

You said I have the best one when we're in the car. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You said I have the best one. No, I didn't. Before when we were in the car, you said, Diva, I have the best one we've ever heard. No, I didn't. Listener, she's lying.

Lay the tape back. Yeah. I spent some time today by the rock pools on the mornington peninsula, on a morning walk, which was quite fabulous, actually. But there, like, a few terrible things happen. Like, people... It was quite fabulous, but a few terrible things do you happen? Well, because people just don't understand how to interact with nature. And, like, children constantly steal shells from the beach

or find, like, you know, like the rock pools that have been there for years and years and years, slowly being softened by the ocean waves are easy to kind of smash apart if you're, you know, attempting to do so. And indeed there was one moment where we kind of picked up a, you know, like rock. And it was quite brittle. And one of my nephews was like, oh, I can smash that. And so he grabbed it and like threw it against another rock and it indeed like shattered. And it's like, oh, that rock's only existed for fucking thousands of years.

Great. And then he was like, I can, I could do another one. Then he went over to this rock pool and like crushed off this little, you know, like, enemy's previous home or whatever. So my point is, celestial children are in the Milky Way galaxy. You're saying giant celestial children. Obviously they're giant. Yeah, and they, I don't know, they're coming over and they're like looking at, they're looking at planet Earth and they're like, kind of, at first they can't really see anything cool because they're not looking closely enough. But in every rock pool, there's wonderful things to discover if you look hard.

enough. And yeah, they just end up kind of smashing it because they get a bit bored. I think you're not painting a very charitable image of your nephews. No, they're fine. It's good. Say a good thing about them. They're incredibly funny. Like, they are really very funny little kids. And what do they say that's funny? Give me one of their classics. Oh my God. They spent the end, okay, well, this wasn't really something they were saying, but last time they were like, Uncle Kane, do you know about mewing? I was like, yes. It was like, oh.

It's Zelda's doing a mew face. But then they were all three of them doing like, doing a mew face again. Yeah. No, they're going to get inducted into creepy, clavicular man. Yeah. I know, they're going to be lads. Oh.

But it was very funny. Funny. How old is they? No, no, you can't really. But anyway, it was good. So they've picked up, the celestial children have picked up Earth and they've thrown. Yeah, they piffed it because they couldn't see the wonder inside. What planet do you think they've pifted into?

Saturn. Uranus. That was a very sassy Uranus. Matt, I also have a report back from Curgeon. About what? He said, I think you guys have had a bad influence. on Matt. He's just sexual now.

He's sexual now? He just, everything is dirty and sexual with Matt. It's not true. Do you want to respond to this? I'm an innocent child. Okay. Let's remember that as we go forward. I said Uranus, not Matt.

Yeah, Matt was fishing for Uranus. I will laugh at Uranus. Everyone does. I will laugh at the word Uranus, but I would never, ever say that. Yeah, that's good. Okay, let's take a break. Hello and welcome Hello and welcome back

Listener Okay, I'm now quite excited Because I just thought of what topic we should do For the first section today So Which thing that you find in the grass Goes into the bunker Because let me tell you yesterday

When I was mowing the lawn, I found two things in the grass that delighted me. Oh, yeah, I saw this on your social media. The first one I found was, okay, so just pause that story for a moment. Earlier this week, I thought to myself, I'm not going to be in this house forever. Oh. Mordland. What? Nothing.

Go on. But I thought, hmm, I love that my street is lined with jaccaranders because they're so cute. and I thought, hmm, and every now and then I see them at the nursery and I'm like, well, I don't need a tree. But can't be denied what fabulous trees, jacaranders are. Anyway, so earlier this week, I was thinking about like trying to germinate the jaccarat, like some seeds from the jacaranda that's outside my house. Because then I was like, then when I have to move, I can like take a little part of this street with me, which I thought was kind of cute. And when I've been walking home from work this week, I've been looking at it. various seed pods because I need one that kind of dried out, but still quite fresh, but not green,

of course. But anyway, so that's been on my radar this week. And then yesterday, when I was mowing the lawn, there were some self-sown chakaranda seedlings in amongst the blades of grass. And I plucked them out and I planted them. And now they're, I don't know, it's mean it's only been 36 hours at this point, but so cute. Anyway. We're on jaccaranda watch.

Yeah. Wait, you put them into a pot? Yeah. Do jacarandas do well in a pot? Well, when they're three centimeters tall, they'll do just fine. And when will they become aware of the pot? I mean, you can. You could do like a patio jaccarander in like a big fuck-off, like, gigantic pot if you wanted.

Would you do that in a pot? I don't know. How long does a jackaranda take to come to full maturity? Well, it'll be juvenile for at least five to ten years. So I don't need to make, like, how you wouldn't plant it in? in the earth until. So we don't need to make any big decisions. Not just yet.

Not just yet. But I do like the forward thinking. And you won't be in that house forever. So. Yeah. And I've now got three. There are actually three that I procured from the earth. Wow.

Lucky you. Do you think if you were an elderly man in your 90s and you had the same experience, you'd be like, oh, who gives a shit? Yeah, because I already am saying to feel like that. Oh. Like I lament like going so hard on gardening so late in life. because it's already over.

Late in life. Yeah. What do you mean? Like things take a long time to grow. Like even my hydrangeous. Generations. You don't care about your nephews and your niece? They can lament their own procrastinations. So wait, what's the issue?

You think you don't have time to grow what? A sycamore? Well, that's, I mean, that is just the thing. Like, so many of these things, like, yeah, you don't see, the fruits of that labour for years. It's not about you. It's about providing something for the earth. What?

For future. I don't believe in that. Because you know how when people move into new homes, they just tear everything out anyway. Yeah. But anyway. But not your garden, of course. No, no, no. It's fine.

But anyway. Heritage listed. It better be. So that's my Jacaranda story, but I found there is in the grass. I'm glad with, yeah. And then, but half an hour later, okay, so listen, it's been a busy period. How long are you, this is why, you have too much lawn. You need to get the lawn out of there.

I love the lawn. What? So no thanks. It's lush and green. So much upkeep. Yeah, but I enjoy it. But it is like time, like, it's time. And then it was so rainy last week when I had the time.

I couldn't do it. Anyway, so yesterday was the day. Thing number two in the grass was. I was doing the edges and I really had to hack them down because it had grown so much with my whippersnipper. And I was thinking as I began the task, I really can't let it grow this much because I'm now scared of snakes in here. And then moments later, I see the reptilian back of a creature. It's like, what the fuck?

But it was a baby blue tongue lizard. I saw this. And so I plucked it from the earth. and gave it a little handshake and then I put it elsewhere. But it was so cute. That's crazy. I always forget that Blue Tongues also live in Victoria. Yeah, yeah.

It seems so tropical to me. I feel more like dry bush. Yeah. Blue tongue, is it? I grew up with them in the gardens, like, so I wasn't scared of it or anything. And you were raised in the gardens? Correct. with amongst the blue tongue.

But so cute. That's really cute. So that's two things you can find. Two things I found in the grass. And do you think that that was the less existential moment than your jaccaranders? Yeah, actually. You were like, this thing and I, we see eye to eye. Yes.

Yes. But you live fairly suburban area. Oh, yeah. Yeah, not like, not like deep bush. Yeah. Yeah. There's like more nature near her than most places. Yeah.

Like it's close to a big river with lots of parks and stuff. Try and narrow that down. You need to find a street with Jacarandas on it near a river. Yeah. I love, there's a woman on TikTok that find, oh no, I'm trying to not do it this week. But there's a woman on TikTok who finds you where you live. And she's like, find where I live. And they put like a picture in these.

rocky people like you're never going to find. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen this. It's really funny. And it's like, this is where you live. Wow. Talks how she finds all the information. They can find like a mountain peak in the distance or whatever and be like, that definitely looks like a mountain.

And there's also like a flower that's only indigenous to this one area or whatever. Yeah. They like piece it all together and tell you exactly the like spot the photo was taken. Crazy. So creepy. So things in the grass. Yeah. So blue tongues.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Jackaranda seedlings. Yeah, apparently. Batteries. Batteries, yeah. Okay. What else can you find in the...

Like, the kids from Honey Ashunk the kids are in the grass. That's true. Jumping spider. Yeah. Marble. Marble. Big in the grass. Yeah.

An Oreo cookie, like the kids in Honey Ashok the kids find. Mm-hmm. What else could I? Honey, I shank the kids be done. I love honey I shank the kids. Same. I don't think I've watched it since I was like eight or nine. Can I say you've got to gift yourself a rewatch because it's such a good movie.

Yeah, but it's like hazy like a kid's memory of it. Here's the plot. It's an inventor who's losing touch with his family, particularly his wife. They're on the brink of a divorce. Okay. And his kids and him don't even see it. eye to eye he's got because he's so absorbed in his walk yeah and he's got uh two sons an oldest son who's kind of a hottie biscottie a younger son who's a big old dweeb wait what's the

oldest son he's like a hot look him up i am you can't look up pictures of children no i think he was like 18 when they shot the kids but it was definitely an early awakening for me as a young child and then next door neighbors is a hottie buscottie girl that the older brother has a crush on and her like rab scallion brother who's like the same age just a dweeb next door yeah they all get into a fight

when they're playing baseball next door the rhapscalion yes yeah i see that so cute he's got spiky jelled up hair have you seen the direction that his nose is in now oh what happened i don't know oh well i like it

they're playing baseball in the backyard the rab scallion knocks a baseball through the upstairs window where the inventor Rick Moranus has his workshop. They go up there where he's been working on his shrink ray. They get shrunk down. Honey. I shrunk the kids.

And then Rick Moranis accidentally thinking that his shrink tray is never going to work, finds the debris, the leftover debris of where his kids have been shrunk in the workshop and sweeps them up and throws them out in the

trash in the garbage. It's all coming back to me is you're telling me. And so now they have to make their way through the whole backyard back to the house so they can get unshrunk. Yeah. And so that's the A plot. And it's like quite an adventure, giant blades of grass. But they're really tiny.

They're like smaller than fingernail. Yeah, they're about, they're enough that you could ride on the back of an ant, which is what they do. Smaller than an ant. And they meet an ant called ante. And they ride on ante. And it's all going well. And the boys are getting to get along the dwee be in the rambunctious one.

And then the older brother and the girl are starting to hit it off in a kind of like, ooh. And they get so hungry and they find a giant Oreo cookie and they go and sit up in it and eat some of it. And then just when they think all is safe, anti detects that they're going to get attacked by a scorpion. And a scorpion comes and attacks them. And anti sacrifices himself to defend the children. and the rambunctious boy who seems very maladjusted

finally learns empathy and cries over the corpse of this ant who defended them and saved them from the scorpion save their whole ass lives and then they managed to catch a bee back into the house so you're saying dead ant corpse is something you might I would never do that to anti

but you know it's just At the same time, Rick Moranis does discover what's going on, and he makes a giant crane that he can put his body in with a counterweight. So he can put on these magnifying goggles and swoop over the surface of the grass without touching it for fear of crushing his children. Which I think that that would be a good addition to this category, is be able to lie plank-like over the grass and search for various objects. Yeah.

Swooping. Yeah, as you go. Yeah, it all came back to me as you told the story. It's a good time. And then in the sequel, there's an anti-sourate, which is the Huntsman spider. Oh, no, Daddy Long Legs. Daddy Long Legs.

And it's just not as good because of parents, who gives a shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then the last one is, honey, I blew up the kid. Blow up the baby. Blew up the baby. A giant ass baby running around. Oh, honey.

I don't do anything by you. Yeah. What about a discarded egg from a nest? Like a little broken egg? There's potential. Like the shell of like a baby bird's broken out of it. No, no, like it's rolled out. Or maybe like some...

What are they? What are the birds that... Cuckoo? Cuckoo. Yeah, cuckoo's like kicked out the, you know... Yeah. The original eggs. The villains of nature.

Yeah. I think we have cookies. No. No, but, you know. It could be a kind of mischievous. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. A little bro.

Snakes? Snakes. Snake in the grass. Snake in the grass. Yeah. A five cent piece. Five cent piece. Ten cent piece.

Yep. 20. I don't know that I've ever seen. At least change. Yeah. Yeah. Like the, an arrowhead. Yeah.

Well, I can't think of anything else. that would be in the grass. You know what I think... An old bullet. When we were talking about last... Yesterday, yesterday, in last episode... Yesterday. Yesterday.

Yesterday. Was like... You do one every day. In conveniences? Yeah. When you drop something and it vanishes out of sight... In the grass. And when that happens, times grass...

Yeah. Like, you're like, it's gone. Yeah. There's the top layer of grass. And then there's the dense... Underlayer where tiny objects can just fall down forever. Imagine you have like a pen, like a clicky pen,

something goes wrong. You're unscrewing it to have a check in the parts and then the spring and the clicking pen falls. Yeah, you'll never see that spring again. That's gone now. But it is right there. You have to watch it as it falls. I've had some experiences recently

where I like watch something as it falls and it hits the ground immediately becomes invisible. Wow. Wow. Just going back to this idea. You love gardening, though. You think about how large your garden can be if you didn't have lawn. Imagine all things you could find if you didn't have lawn.

Like if I said to you, like, you love Jacaranda, so now 98% of your garden should be Jacaranda. You'd be like, lazy, don't be ridiculous. I love, like, diversity of plants. Yeah. Currently, it's all lawn. Okay. except that no it isn't. It is.

But also, I'm renting. You want me to landscape the property that I will move out of? Yes. Do you want to finance that? Sure. Okay, then yes, I'd love to pull up the law. They'd start a go fund. $1,000.

Like, even to rent the machine that you need to remove a lawn would be hundreds of dollars. You grew up in the lawns. Get your father to do it. Yeah, you'd have to rent the machine. What about hands? He could do it with his hand. Have you had much experience removing lawn?

Well, I will after we've removed the lawn by hand. We do one section a day. Anyway. I'm very excited for when you remove this lawn. Yes. But in the meantime, we need to think about what's in the lawn. A sun-bleached Lego mini-fig? Yep.

I don't know how much lawn they'll be in the end of times. Well, it's not just lawn as the grass. Like, will there be astroturf in the bunker? I hope not. I fear that that might be, or like a well-kept-alive little slab of grass. I'm imagining, like, quite long, like, almost knee-high grass, just swishing, like, gently in the wind. A velociraptor would be in that grass. Yeah.

You're imagining, like, are you talking about in the bunker, we have a room that's just knee-high grass? Yeah, you open the door and it's just knee-high grass as far as you can see. Yeah, we should, can we do that? Children of the Corn Room? Yeah. Cornfield room. No, it's got to be grass. It's grass.

It's grass. But, you know, it's... Children of the grass. Children of the grass. What are you finding in there? Children. Maybe there's spring from a bireo in a grass filled room. Spring from a bireau in a room full of grass.

Done. Wait, let's just make the ambience of that room quickly. I'm going to be the low rumble. You be the swishing wind. You're going to be the grass. Okay. Okay, yeah. Doi-o-o-o-o.

that was the spring yeah and then a whole new series of yeah we haven't even thought about expressions as well like all of these new expressions could come out of this bunker

as well like with the new society like finding a needle in the haystack instead of finding a needle like finding a pyro spring in the grassroom they won't know what a haystack is they won't know what a needle is yeah yeah

don't just be like don't get Don't be a famous animal on TV and get fed to the meg. People say that. It's relatable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, enjoy your meal out of that sardine can. And we'll be right back.

I just said, I wish that Reba McIntyre wasn't Maga so I could stand. And I said, I'm sorry, darling. Did you think that that redhead Southern woman whose son is a race car driver, who has been in the country music scene since the fucking 80s was not going to be conservative gay people what have we learned

we don't stand because they're politically correct we stand because they're crazy I'm sorry but absolutely not we need crazy conservative country singers yeah like that's Reba McIntyre

Of course, you think she's going to fucking Mardi Gras? She's at the grand old Opry with all her white bread clan friends. She goes, I'm Reba. She had a show called Reba that only played in the South where she plays a Christian woman. Dolly is an anomaly. Reba is of course conservative and insane. And how could you not stand that? Well.

Did you see that picture I put up on my TL timeline? TL. She's posted three pictures of her holding corn dogs in various locations. And the caption, oh my God, I need to pull the caption. It's just incredible. She's like holding the corn dog grinning at the camera insane on a PJ, Private Jet. And she says, my favorite food group,

Corn dogs. Happy National Corn Dog Day. Celebrate with one or two or seven. Is that a food group? I guess so. She is, of course. This is Republican insanity. Well, also we'd like to say welcome back. Oh, hello. I'm just saying we need to get back to the ancient text. What? You know, when gay people loved problematic conservative women. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. Now, we've had a quick readjustment in the celestial space car, and we're primed to listen to your gorgeous messages. I'm so excited to hear what you have to say. Yes. So just a reminder, you can go to speakpipe.com slash death to everyone to send us a voice message that we will scrutinize live on air. including this one from Charlie XX in brackets straight,

who have sent us the first message for today. Hi, ladies in Zelda. Is that really straight listener from last week? You told me, don't send another speakhole. Give those other speakholes a chance. What can I say? Couldn't help myself. I really appreciated your explanation on butt plugs

because I'm straight. So I want to know more about gay culture. My question is, which grace owner? Love the pod. That was good. That had the breathier required. Also, I got told off about the butt plug conversation. What do you mean?

So it was like, it's obviously about anal training, you fucking idiot. And I said, oh, forgive me. I see. Yeah. Who said that to you? I don't know, but they're right. Listen, I'm not going to pretend. I'm not going to pretend

Zelda you had those butt plugs out and your main timeline your TL who's calling it a TL? I don't know I don't know Okay okay

Okay so Which sauna? Yeah which sauna Wet on Wellington I think it's got to be a wet on Wellington The options in Melbourne Are wet or subway I'd never been to subway

I'm scared You never been to subway? No I'm scared Eat fresh it's just smaller and the vibes are less yeah okay

we had this like wild discovery night of like we went out for our friends party and we started the night with these two men

that we had assumed we were just straighty-180s yeah you know we were with a crowd of mats over here and then throughout the night

I think Zelda you were going we were like okay we're gonna kick on to the next location we're going to go get land a gay bar. It was late at night. Yeah. But the gals wanted to dance.

Zelda was in one of the Ubers in the convoy over to the location. Oh, yes. And then Zelda just turned to one of them was like, are you straight? What is happening? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy was like, no, I'm bye. Yeah. And then the other one was like, I'm also a little bit by. Yeah. And I was like, wait, what? And the whole time. Yeah. We've been surrounded by buys. Yeah. Visible. It's hard to see them sometimes. But, but, one of them, because Zelda you explain what happened then with the

decision of like, do you want to go to this club or do you want to go to wet? Well, it was then like, okay, so it's quite late and this club that we're trying to go to isn't the best. And it was like, okay, well, what other options are there at this hour of the day? And it was like, well, there's always wet, which we were around

the corner from. It was the peel everyone. We were going to the peel. Poor choice. Poor choice. And he was like, I'll go to wet. It's like, what? What are you saying? you slight bisexual and he's like I'll just stand in the corner and watch it's like you don't know what you're saying right now like this is outrageous yeah yeah that man was too attractive to be saying such um gray things around me he's gonna go in and watch oh my god ridiculous um and we don't know

whether he ended up going out that night i don't think he went in the other direction he didn't he did he did yeah he went in the opposite direction i thought i saw him walking towards wet at the end of the night. I don't, maybe. Oh, if that is true, I'd be devastated. I don't want to be there with him. Maybe, yeah. First, you have to invite him to a family event.

Then you can see him at wet. Well, I've only known him for two months, not three months. Of course. I don't think that's too soon. What? I think that's beautiful. Well, why don't you listen as right in? I'm not really.

rather not. Matt, which gay sauna would you want to put it in the bunch? Well, he didn't say gay sauna. Oh, true. I just said any sauna. Yeah. Well, there you go. I think it's really, like I, at the gym, the swim and gym near my house.

I see the sauna there sometimes and I'm like, oh, like, in like a regular natural habitat. I've only seen saunas when they're dominated by gay men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one just had gym bros in it. Talking about like, you know, their, their routines and the creatine. I mean, like, well, yeah, man, it's actually a journey. And you're doing yourself a lot of favors and you're showing up for yourself and you're here today. And I was like, what are you all doing it here?

Wait, you were in there? Yeah, I'd gone in. I wanted a spitz. Oh, my God. I wanted a spitz. I last very long in those songs because it's so small, it's such a small box. those like those like

public pool and they I just feel like the air must be like 90% sweat like they're water in the air that's the horny thing about swaners

yeah I'm breathing you but when it's not when it's not horny like yeah well when is it not horny

as Ketje would say that for you is now every episode yeah what because you're so horny now

yeah I am not you didn't say that he didn't even so I'm very horny, he said I'm... Lude, lewd. You've sexualized me. Yeah.

Don't put that on us. Don't put that on us. Anyway, I went, like me and my gal pals, our producers, after we'd finished a large project, were like, let's have a, like, gorgeous day at the pool,

at, like, a hotel spa. Oh, yeah, those are nice. It was very nice. And they normally do these gals days, and it was very sweet. Annie, our producer had brought us all, like, tickets to this thing. This is before witch girls. You were not left out of this experience.

So it was like, we're sorry? We'd all had a hard time and we just needed to really relax away from some of the people. We had a hard day dealing with Zelda. But so we all showed up and they do this quite often. They'll do like the peninsula hot springs or something or this one. Is that a sauna? That's more of a hot spring. They have a sauna there.

Yeah. It's all in one. But they're used to doing it with just the gals, gals weekend away. So when I got there, I was the only boy and suddenly I was transported back to high school. Hanging out with the gals. Yeah. And they were like, okay, go into your saunas. And I was like, amazing.

And then realized that there was like gender binary saunas. And so I went into this like sauna midday on my own. And I was sitting there alone in this sauna. and then like listening and the girls were like in the right next door and the girls were not chatting and I was like I could hear them and I was like hello I can hear you let's talk what are you saying something funny it seems I can hear you just enough but say it again and it was so sad you should have gone in drag yeah I'm mom I get why but I didn't appreciate being ostracized.

It's a bit like, I'm gay, let me in. I'm gay. Let me into the girls' sauna. Yeah. Come on. It's more inappropriate if you're in the men's sauna. Yeah, exactly. Think of all the, yeah, joking on all the, yeah, joke and off to the, oh, wait, what?

Show me out. No, there's no one else in the men sauna. Hmm. There was no one in. Well, not with the gaybo in there. Not for the, yeah. Yeah, no, they didn't. They put a sign on the door as you.

Yeah. There's a little like, um, like, um, like gay guy. No gay guys. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just so everyone knows. Yeah. That's funny. Well, that would have been us after that karaoke night having to be like,

oh, it turns out there were more gay guys. Yeah. My gay dar is off or something. Because like those ones undetectable. Really were. Yeah. They really, like, my God, no idea. We're learning.

Yeah. I don't know. Other saunas. I mean, I really want to go to. You went to the Sydney one, didn't you? I've been. to, yeah, I've been to Sydney sauna many times

and then a few in Europe yeah. Our friends who were recently married were in Turkey and went to a sauna there and got followed around. It was like after a drug out of night and it was like 6.30 in the morning and there was no one at the sauna except for them and this like two guys that were both creepy

in different directions. one who was like teeny tiny skinny little man and he would just pop up and appear and masturbate furiously in their direction while like not breaking eye contact and then the other one that was like a large oafish man who would like go boom boo and like come and sit right next to them

but like leaving absolutely zero space between him and them and then like just come and like be like hello and like that kind of juge and so like there was these two kind of George and Lenny's rolling around this sauna and yeah

and at one point our friend like went to go and take a little like nap like you know close his eyes for a second and then like slowly like it was really relaxed rested in this Turkish sauna and slowly parted his eyes to see that man not like looking him dead in the eye

and masturbating like yeah yeah and not coming because obviously See it was just like completely high out of his mind. Oh yeah. I can do this right out. I'll do it to the skin wears off.

Yeah. So don't go to that sauna. No. I think it's got to be wet. Yeah. And are we putting in like Twinkle Sky wet sauna room? Yeah. Yeah.

That room's so good. Yeah, I love it. Oh, the times. I haven't been to wet in ages. Ages. Same. Yeah. I'm same so long I've never been

we are recording this in a Sunday afternoon Should we just Pop on down You know what sometimes people Go there just for the toastie mat That's only you No not me I think it was Bay Marie

They sell toasties up at the canteen Can you eat them in the sauna? Yeah If you're feeling courageous Oh you can eat it in the spa Dirty sauna So many crumbs Well they're not crumbs

By the time the sauna Seed gets to the Soden pieces of bread Sodden pieces of bread Yeah It's a strange thing to sell it Like surely you need soup or something Soap

Sloshing around inside By you're getting pounded My first instinct is like a nice soup How about a gazpachia? Like something wet You know Something that's already Does it need to already be wet?

What about dumplings? Like wet dumplings. Yeah, like boiled dumplings. Like the ones with the juice inside. I think they do sell dim sims. A steam... Fried food is not going to work in the sauna. No, they have like a little like seated area.

Yeah. Yeah. A chowing. For chowing down on your hard one toastie. Who was it? Someone recently was like, yeah, I was with this person and they were like, I just want to go to Weddon Wellington because I want a to toastie. And then they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure thing.

And then they went together. He went in, bought a toastie and went home. Like, that's an expensive toasty. I know, but he's like, they're so good. Oh, shut up. As if they're good. Apparently the Weddon Wellington Toastys are really good. Wow.

Yeah. Well, that's the place to go for toasty. Yeah. Okay. Wait, should we put in the Wedden Wellington Toasty's. Instead of the sauna room. And if you have any experience with the Weddon Wellington Toasty or could go and report back. Yeah.

Please let us know. Speak into our hole. Yeah. Because like we need some report. I think you should put the room in, but like you can eat toasties in there if you want to. No, I think just the toastie. With the like. There's a waiter.

Piece of hose. Yeah. Like that awful counter. The only things on the menu are the, yeah, $10 hose or the, um, the Toasty. No, is it $10? It's not $10. How much is that piece of pipe? It's been too long.

I don't think they do it anymore. They don't sell you the cut-off piece of pipe anymore? I don't think they have the douching station anymore. Matt, you use the pipe to shove it up your asshole. I know. We talked about it. Well, I'm just refreshing. The douche episode.

Okay. Toasty from When I'm Wellington, you're in. I hope we can serve that at our live show. we get oh my god like yes we'll bring the chefs over and see if they do catering okay fabulous and we'll be right back hello hello listen now we're back again

step aside we're back again so hot so lit adrenaline a shat oh okay welcome back in the category is speak hole number two time to honour your speakhole Good morning and a duncashen to you all, Celestial Goddesses and Space Car Driver Matt. Just letting you know I bought tickets to the Witchie Girls premiere.

So that's really exciting, looking forward to that. And my question is, what hotel in Melbourne for one night goes into the bunker? Oh. Totally unrelated. Okay. Hotels. I mean, listen, I haven't stayed in many hotels in Melbourne as a result of being from Melbourne. My friend used to work the front desk at the night shift for the Edina

And that place seemed like a shithole What is the like there's an old Hotel opposite Parliament Old Parliament Oh yes I've had high tea in there before Yes my friend came there and came into town and stayed there with his mother And there's something about and we actually shot this like dance video with bendy ben.

Oh. In their like prime minister's suite up there. And what I will say about those kind of gorgey like like former glory nicest hotels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that you go in and you're like, yeah, this is incredible like the architecture and the vibes. But like it is not a mod cons hotel experience. So you're a bit like, do. Yeah.

Like the nicest suite they have is a bit of a shit. Like musty carpets and like, yeah. It's all like preserved. Yes. So like if it was brand new in the year 1992, would have been the most luscious experience. Yes. But because like no other furniture would make sense in rooms that are that heavily decorated.

So it's like they're stuck. And then when you go in them now, it's like, ew. Yeah. This is all a bit tired. Yes. She's a bit musty and dusty. Yeah. I've experienced quite a few hotels in Melbourne,

both because of work and also because of sex. But I would say the nicest, I hooked up with this guy once who was living in a hotel opposite. Was he Zach or Cody? What? At the Tipton? No, that's fine. in one of the hotels opposite Spencer Street station, Southern Cross Station. She was there?

Yeah. On like the, like not on the, I don't know, near there, one of those like beautiful hotels. The W? The Ritz-Carlton? I don't know. I'm just looking at the Ritz-Carlton now. That is on Lonsdale Street opposite Spencer Street station and it looks divine. Can you show me one image of that building?

And I can instantly say yes or no. This is the pool. You didn't go to the pool. I didn't go to the poo. I was having my ass eat out in a room. I want the pool. But that had quite good vibes. Like that was the most like, ooh, am I, I don't know, like Angelina Jolie in salt or something, kind of hotel room?

Sorry. Is that your call upon for the most chic? thing you can think of. I don't know. I've never even seen that movie. Am I Angelina Jolie and salt? Because this is fancy. Like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, she is not a hotel room. I don't know. I've never seen the movie. I don't know why I said that. Yeah, they go to

expensive hotel rooms. The Russian spy. She's, then it's perfect. What's the theme of your wedding? I don't know. Something really high end, like Angelina Jolny and salt. I've never seen it, but I've led to believe that it would be quite luck. What could be classier. That's the most expensive hotel in the whole city. The Ritz-Karleton. The Ritz-Karleton.

Show me. Show me to me. I mean, I could just look about myself. So W used to be one of our brands. W. W hotel. They're like the trendy art hotel. Oh.

But they. Crown towers? What about them? The crown. I think they're a little bit round down. Round down. Are they? But like it really is like if you're coming in at the entry level, you're never going to see

the good sweets. Like I've stayed at, like, nice hotels, but I'm always in the cheapest room at a nice hotel. So you don't even. Like, I am shocked every time I come into a hotel room now and there's no bath. I know. Isn't that crushing?

Like, that was the whole thing of going to stay at a hotel is that, like, you get to stay in a room that has a bath. Yeah. But the pools look so good, though. I love the pool. Because they're always, like, so high up. And you can just look out over the whole. And that's a double, that's a double pool that I've got there.

This is nice. Like, that's the pride of the thing. But they have quite a small footprint landwise. And I, like, they have these, like, rooms that are, like, designer chic, but they're quite small. Like, they look a bit pokey. Yeah. And a lot of their kind of, like, design aesthetic stuff is, like, it's an arty hotel, which just means, like, a lime green carpet with, like, some random, like, big orange

dots on it. Yeah. It's just like, I'm not really getting that this is like a transcendent piece of design. Yeah. More that you guys have done

something really graphic in a tiny room. Yeah. I really want to go and stay in a hotel. Do you need it in a... Your house is kind of like a hotel though. Yeah.

Yeah. Except I get woken up at two in the morning by screaming three year old. Same in hotel. Yeah, too. I started the rendezvous hotel a couple years ago. And that was pretty woeful, like, old interior and small.

Yeah. The thing that usually helps those older ones is that they're a bit bigger. But when they're old and pokey, it's like, so claustrophobic. The Oakwood is really nice. I stayed at one of those, like, art hotels in South Yarra when I hooked up with that drag queen. Oh, yes. I hooked up with, like, someone many moons ago in that same hotel. that art hotel where all the in the dark people get put up.

Yes. And yeah, it was kind of like similar, like a room that had like a glass divided to the bathroom. Yes. Which I'm like, you can't convince me that that's chic and not just not another room where you should have one. And there was like a big elephant on the wall or something. Yeah.

Just the most hideous art. Yeah. But like it's funky fresh in here because there's a splash of colour. Jeannie. Ugh. So not there. I mean, listen, I like, for me, I think I'm someone who automatically feels more comfortable in a hotel room than even my own house. Really?

I love being in a hotel room. Yeah, it's pretty good. Like, I just love, just, like, it's almost like a space without interruption. Even though it is, like, so interrupted. Like, when I was doing drag race, both. times they, we were in hotels. And staying like for three and a half weeks in a hotel room is a whole different kind of kettle of fish.

Yeah. Because it slowly loses its like new sheen and becomes like tainted by you. Like your existence in it like ruins. What is so fun about it is like how anonymous it is. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I do love the thing of people coming in and picking up all the wet towels off the floor and replacing them immediately with fresh, clean one. Yes.

You just want servants. Yes. Maybe if you had servants at your house, you might feel more. Maybe. I also like the idea of like really soundproof walls. I like, um... Why? I just like, I just like that feeling.

Of murdering. I like no one, like, knowing where I am. It sounds like you want a cave. Yeah, a cave with like servants. Hmm. Um, the thing. The number one thing that I dislike in a hotel room more than anything is when you're in the room and there is a door to the next room. Oh, yeah.

Because, like, if you book like a double suite for your kids or whatever, it's like then the door is unlocked. But the anxiety of like... Someone might open it. Is someone going to come through that fucking door? In the middle of the night, they'll be watching you sleep. And jucking off furiously. So that's number one. Then number two is like...

What's this? The largest bed I've ever. It's two king singles push together. You can't trick me. Yeah, and then you have to lie on the seam. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, I can't lie dead center. I have to pick with the illusion.

Essentially means that I'm really in a king single. And I don't want to be. Yeah. I want to be in big bed. Not even a king single, just a regular single. Well, you know, that fitted sheet does hold them together quite snow. It does, but I can feel that seam. I can feel it.

Do you know what I find quite bothersome is like the lack of like I want to have like all of the add-ons. I want all the free things. Yeah. And sometimes they don't even have like tea and coffee these days. Everything's extra money. Yeah. Oh my God. The last hotel that I stayed in in February in Sydney.

Oh, I'm still processing this. I went into the shower. Yeah. And there was not. there was not shower, shampoo, conditioner and body wash. There was just shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in one bottle. There was one big pump bottle. A miracle formula?

The Dozzle 3. And then I thought, oh, well, okay, well, that's quite interesting. And then later I went to the bathroom and went to wash my hands. But I was washing them with shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Because it was the same bottle at the basin. I think of how much money they're saving. I, well, they've actually lost money because I'll never stay there again. Not that I paid for it, of course, but still.

Yeah. What the hell? That's crazy. Like, shampoo conditioner and body wash, all in the same bottle. I mean, that's crazy. But then to offer that to hotel, like clients? Yeah. You also should just put it like, wash.

Stinky paint, wash. Yeah. Oh. I love, though, when I have, like, some fabulous. like, ESOP or, not thank you. You can't trick me with, thank you.

No, just because it's got slightly... If you have amber branding, I don't just think it's ESOP. Yes, no. But what I do now, before I go to, like, stay in a hotel room

is I'll go and pick up a few little items from like a 7-Eleven. Like a tiny little bag of chips like Red Rock Deli to make sure. But they have to be at the scale of mini-bar options because I can't just have a full bag of chips

because that ruins the novelty. So it's got to be like little mini vodka's and a little like thing because I want to have that. Like I'm just taking this from the mini bag. That's a good way of doing it actually. I tend to buy the largest bag that I possibly can. And then I have it as like my little treat corner.

And I just sup away at it over the days of my stay. But see, you have that kind of restraint. If I would be left alone in the room with the bag of chips, they would be gone. Because why the fuck would I? do that roll up the top and be like, that's enough for tonight. That's not for tonight. No, it isn't.

I need a sealed foil bag to keep me at bay. And even then, probably not. And then, yeah, and if you eat the whole bag, you don't feel like a princess. No. No. I hooked up once with a guy at the Pullman near Carlton, no, Fitzroy Gardens. And that was one of the, like, weird. this is maybe like 10 years ago or something like so not like I was well experienced by that

point but it was still pretty weird and it was late like maybe like a 2 a.m. kind of thing which like I wasn't in any substances but if you go and hook up with someone in a hotel at 2 o'clock there's a increased chance that they might be and indeed he was and I arrived and that hotel is very like old school, like wood panel walls, heavy drapes, like, that kind of, like, rich hotel room kind of vibe. And he had been there for some time, like, maybe, like, a week or so, like, I don't know, visiting from the country or something. And I get there and we can't, like, you just know that kind of, like, really erratic energy.

Like, just kind of horny and fun, but also a little bit like, oh, is it, oh, okay. Anyway, so we're there And then he's like, I'm just gonna go get something From the trunk of my car It's in the parking lot downstairs It's like, okay Okay And then he left

And when he came back I think he just went to get like lube or something But he just like left it But he just brings out of going It was like five minutes It's like shampoo conditioner and boo! But I was so like I should leave

Like I should leave right now because I, this isn't exactly what I thought I was coming into. And now he's gone to get something from the boot of his car. Like, what? But anyway, he came back and it was all fine. Yeah. Yeah. That hotel room was pretty sketchy.

As if you didn't go through his stuff. No. Oh. No. Like, you could have seen what was going on pretty quickly. Yeah, true. If he had like a handbook on how to sever a head or whatever. What are you doing with that hacks or dummies?

Yeah. So I just need to get the sharpener for my axe from my car. Sorry, I don't want you feeling the kiss of a dull blade. The other thing, though, that, sorry, that pisses me off is just when a majority of hotels now just have free to air. Bitch, the reason we used to go to hotels was because they had cable. Right? Yeah.

You'd go and you'd have cable TV and you'd be like, K-Pod. Living it up. The only time it's happened is when I was in Queensland. Stay at a hotel there, I was like, is this cartoon network? Are we watching cable right now? I watch the movie channel. I was having the best time.

But it's like, what happened? Why are we shortchanged? If you're going to get rid of the cable, you may as well give us Netflix or something. But even that doesn't feel special. Question. What do you think about when you arrive at a hotel room? And it says, welcome. cane on the TV.

That's scary. I hate it. It's cool though. It's cool when they get it as lazy Susan. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool. And that's fun. And when you arrive at a hotel room and who did this recently?

Might have be Mary's Poppin. I arrived into my hotel room and there was like a gorgeous like three drinks, like canned beverages. a fan and like a personalized note just being like, hey lazy, welcome, da-da-da, Mary's Poppins, it's so excited to have you. It was so cute. That's cute. Like, DOA, fabulous experience,

and just like, that's just like a little flourish that wasn't necessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That made me feel so special. Yes, that I like. But when it's just like regular A, and it's just like, welcome, Kane. I'm like, I know that that's,

just like now automated process that doesn't impress it mean much. But imagine the first time it happened. The first time I was delighted. Yeah. But I love it when you walk in as well and then the curtains automatically open. Sorry?

Yeah. And where have you been staying? That was on the GC actually. Oh. You walk into the room and the curtains and the blinds open. Can we, can't we go on like a girl's trip up to the GC? Yeah, we're going to go when we win the actor award.

Ah, yes. Zelda and I have decided, well, I decided the other day that we're going to win an actor award for Best Web Series for Witchie Girls. But here's the thing. I was like doing my research on who won the actor last year for Wichigerger. I mean, for Best Web Series. And I watched the video. And there's this woman who made this show called The Series of Unfortunate Dates.

And she was actually up against one of our kind of friend of friends who had made this show called Longhead. And Longhead had been a virus. sensation that had had like millions of views and then this other show and I'd like a couple thousand and she won the actor award I watched the entire series by the way um and then she like this footage of her going up on the stage to get her actor award and she's in a brown romper with no shoes on at the Australian equivalent of the BAFTAs or the Academy Awards she's like they're barefoot on the polished stage.

Like, sorry, I was at the back and I had to run. Thanks for my actor award. And then... That could be you. I know. I'm like, that will be us. Yes. But then I was like, how do we win an actor award?

And some of our friends were like, well, I heard the girl who won the shorts award one year a while ago. I'm just trying to like make this a bit blurrier. was on a panel. And what she said was, oh yeah, the way that you win an actor award is you have actor members vote for you. The way that you become an actor member

is you pay $40 for an annual subscription. So this gal who ostensibly seemed like a bit of a rich kid had just paid for a bunch of her friends to have actor memberships. Oh my God. And then voted for her. Bitch, we're going to be so corrupt.

We're doing this. I won an extra award. Actually, speaking of doing this, did you see that the time has... I want to see where you're going with this. The time has come for us to start our campaign. For the Medea. For the Medea. For the best podcast.

The best podcast. We will win. Listener. Can you get that? So, yes, we can. Have you heard the other... Are there any other podcasts? No!

No! So, in previous years, listener, we've not really campaigned for much. we've been nominated organically for a few things of course but this year I want to win Who won best podcast last year? I don't think it's best podcast though Isn't it best like media? Oh we did win that?

I did. You did? Yeah. For kick-ons. Yeah, for kick-ons. But I want to win that for this. We can. And we will.

So listener, you need to nominate us and then soon you need to vote for us. We can also win for witchie girls. And we will. Yes. for both. We're going to win it all. And I'll win the performer of the year.

Did you see me at Rough Trade the other week? She started a rising star. You could be the Rising Star Award. Fresh new talent. Fresh new talent on the film. Who won fresh talent? I ran a grande. Didn't she win fresh talent for something?

When? Like a year ago. Oh my God. She was like, thank you. She and I get bullied in the same way so often. What? I'm supporting my family. friend in her

drag career. Yeah. My. And also win that actor award, we'll go to the GC where it's shot and we'll come up

and be like, sorry, we're careful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're at the beach. Yeah,

and we'll be wearing shorts. Yeah, no, we'll actually be in the most sickening gowns and we'll elevate the entire experience. Yes, and then we'll go

to Australia Zoo. And then we'll do three parks super pass. We're not going to go to Australia's but we will go to Water Brothers movie works. I want to go to Australia Zoo. What do you want to see there?

I want to go to The gala. We can do both, girls. Well, thank you. When are you going to which place? I'll be my rest day. You have a rest day at the hotel with your small bag of chips. In your loud, soundproof padded room.

Yeah, that sounds delightful, actually. Yeah. And that you'll come back in full khaki. Yes. I saw Robert. I don't care about Robert. I saw Chandler. I don't want to see that.

I want to see Terry. Um. In a high pony. Or out. Whichever. Snatched. Yes. Our queen of the traction halapidcha.

Oh, that's good. Hotels. I think that we should do. Oh, do you know what hotel it is? Excuse me. So, you know what hotel it is? Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. There's a hotel that is an installation that's about a story and a half high. Yes. And it looks like, it says hotel on the top. And it's a giant empty cement block that has windows that look like they're all lit up at night. Like it's a real hotel. Yes.

But it's just a roadside art piece. Yes. It's incredible. I desire it. Oh my God. One thousand percent. I love that thing. It's the best.

It's actually the best piece of art I think of emcee. Yeah. It's that and that crying sheep at the NGV. And the amazing works at Acker. Oh, yes. That too. Uh, what else? No, no what else. That's perfect. Okay, so we'll put that in the abyss room. It can just kind of go in a corner. Yeah. Yeah. So if you want to stay in Melbourne, you've got to drive for an hour and a half down to the peninsula.

Well, yeah, but it's in Victoria. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense to me. I'm just clarifying. Man, it's Melvillus. That's, it's Melvillis. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's. Melvillus. You know, that ad didn't get... That ad didn't get rollover. But our spotlight ad just got rolled over again, so we just made another three and a half grand. Oh my God, Brack.

I know. But it's so good. It's so good. I just can't believe that Melbourne ad never got rolled over. That is weird. They spent all the money on it. Why didn't they roll it over and pay me again? Yes.

It's Melvillis. Melvillus. I guess it's because everyone hated it. Oh. They were like, why is it so gay? I said, it's not gay, it's Melville. Yeah. Sorry.

Is there a dog barking? There's a dog barking in here. What the fuck is happening? That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's spotty. There really is in the cupboard. Don't, don't, don't, don't talk to him. I'm sorry, are we in a podcast car or what? Okay.

Well, that hotel is going in. We have, the other thing going in is, We have the tall grassroom with a bireo spring found a whole new room. Yeah, that's quite exciting. It doesn't happen often. And which flavor of soda did we put in? No. No.

We put on the toast. We put in the toasty from wet on Wellington. What, toasty from went on Wellington for which sauna? That's good. What a week. I don't really good. Okay. And thank you for listening all.

We love you. We'll see you in hell. Yes. Goodbye. Death to Everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Cheers. Our theme song and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. And if you have something to say to us, send it to us at Death to Everyone.com or say it to us at speakpipe.com slash death to everyone. And won't you consider supporting us at Patreon.com slash death to everyone?

Or by buying tickets to our live shows. throughout May for the Witchie Girls. Tickets available at the witchygirls.com. Bye. Goodbye.