Desert Island Dicks - ABIGOLIAH SCHAMAUN

Episode Date: August 4, 2019

This week, the hilarious Abigoliah Schamaun joins me to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is comedian Abigail Ayeshaman. Yay, I'm so excited. Are you? Great. I like the idea of a podcast that gives you an excuse to talk trash about things.

I know, yeah. I'm very passionate about this. About talking trash. Yes, very much. Okay. Did you find it difficult to nail down your three people? Absolutely not. We could go longer if you want. I've got so many people.

Was it difficult to hone it just to three then? Was it like? Yeah, it's more of that. Yeah. It's, you know, because when you really start to think, it's like, oh, you know, like the people, because I live in Camden where the tube splits. And I was like, the people who get off the escalator and just stand there without moving out of the way because they've been left with more choices than they ever knew at least pull over just move yes over yeah yeah yeah that doesn't count as one okay no no that's fine that's fine okay then uh let's dive in who's gonna be your first choice uh my first choice would be um people on Facebook who put an announcement. You know how people do Facebook calls where they like get rid of all their friends or some of their friends and then they'll post something being like, just did a big Facebook

call. So if you're seeing this, congratulations, you made the cut. And I'm sorry for the people I had to cut. I'm just trying to like hone my life in. And we don't really talk that much. Like as soon as I see that, I'm like, first of all, no one would have known you had done that unless you messaged him. It's like now I have to delete you.

Yes, that's it. Because you are an annoying person. Okay, you are the dick now. That's it. You've got to go. Yeah, and no one's paying attention to your Facebook Sophie who's a realtor in Ohio. No one cares.

Yeah, yeah. attention to your Facebook Sophie who's a realtor in Ohio no one cares yeah yeah that the the two big social media things that get on my nerves is like people who announce that they're like deleting people off their Instagram or Facebook like it matters and then also people who say hey hive mine oh and they want advice especially for like Edinburgh show titles, which I'm not doing at Edinburgh, but you can see me August 5th and 6th at the Soho Theatre. But when they're like, what should I name my Edinburgh show? And they list like 20 ideas.

I'm like, if you don't have five friends that you can talk to about what you should title your show, and if you don't have the agency to pick it yourself, you don't deserve a title. No, yeah yeah and you don't want to be asking people on twitter right because they're like i want those names for myself and also so many things could be solved by google so i'm like why why this isn't this isn't a search engine yes it's true it's true um those people everyone's experienced those people on Facebook. They're just like, congratulations, you survived the Facebook call. Awful.

Yeah. Isn't it? It makes you feel sick. Like, what do you even say to that? Also, how much time do you have that you're going through your Facebook friends and doing a call? To me, that seems like a lot of effort. Do you know what that makes? That shows that Facebook is way too important to that person. Yeah.

Right? Exactly. Do you know what I mean? You're like, yeah, really. Yeah, I find it very strange. I can get if someone always comes up on your feed and you're like, oh, I'll delete them or hide that. But the fact that you're sitting there going through hundreds

or even thousands of people being like, yes, no, yes. I'm like, I don't need this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And especially, I don't want to be part of this. I wish you called me. Yeah, you can call me. Yeah, yeah, no, yes. I'm like, I don't need this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And especially, I don't want to be part of this. I wish you called me. Yeah, you can call me. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Okay.

Annoying people on social media, should we say? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, annoying people on social media. Specifically Facebook, because I think it's more of a personal account. Yeah. So I remember, oh, oh, this is a fun one. I saw a friend of mine I went to high school with.

This is years ago, but it is stuck in my head forever. She entered a bikini competition. And I know she did because she wrote this long Facebook post going, hi, everyone. So I didn't win the prize money at the bikini competition because I didn't win. And it would have really helped if some of you had shown up to vote for me. Oh my God. Because now I know who my real friends are and you're not supportive.

And I was like, when was this? It was at 1 p.m. on a Monday. I'm like, no one's going to a bikini. It was a bikini contest in a strip club at 1 a.m. on a Monday. That is a bringer. And she's like, now I know who my real friends are and I'm like I'm not I'm not your real friend I'm definitely not your real friend

even if I was near you I wouldn't have gone yeah yeah oh my god that is so it's just it gives people the platform just to like let their innermost thoughts out yeah and like some people just need to like realize that not everyone cares yeah well I, I think a good way to live on social media is if you wouldn't say it to someone's face, don't say it on social media. Yeah, that's true. So unless you're going to call each individual friend and be like, I know you're not my friend because you didn't go to my bikini competition on a Monday at one. Yeah, yeah. Don't. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Those people on social media, they go on the island. Don't. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Those people on social media, they go on the island and who's going to be second choice? My second choice is

Gwyneth Paltrow as the CEO of Goop. Yeah. Not the actress. The actress, she can go on being Pepper Potts. She can live her life.

She's fabulous. But I specifically dislike the whole goop thing. Yeah, okay. For those of you who might not know what this is, she runs a website that is like a wellness website that is the most toxic thing and so expensive. So this is where, if you ever heard about the jade egg to put in,

do you know about this? No, I don't know about this. Oh, it blew up a couple years ago on goop she was suggesting everyone buy a jade egg that's 60 quid a rock to put into your vagina to help cleanse your body what's 60 dollars for a little egg thing yeah for like a yeah a. What's it made out of? Jade. A jade stone. Yeah, a jade stone. And okay. Yeah. And the thing is, is I am a former yoga instructor.

So I like the wellness. I like to go. I like a little meditation. I like a little stretching. I'll have a green juice now and then. And I think she ruins the lifestyle for everyone because she's so intense. Right, okay. And it's not, her website isn't about health it's

a huge money maker and and everything in it is about like cleansing so it's like like wheat is bad but facelifts are okay right okay and i don't understand how you can do that yeah okay it seems completely unbalanced yeah it's not really um and she has these she has these uh big conferences these goop conferences where people can pay and go and she's there and you can pay thousands of thousands of dollars to be like a vip person and every time she does them people then complain afterwards that like she didn't doesn't hang out. She doesn't talk to anyone. She just kind of walks in, sits on the floor, and is like, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. And then walks away.

And then people parade all these items in front of them to buy. What? Yeah, it's really weird. It sounds like one of these weird, like, Tony Robbins type things. Yeah. That's so weird. Yeah, it really is. And none of the products on the website

does she or her company make it's like so they're it's like they're aggregating them or like it's like etsy for rich people who have too much time on their hands you know so they just buy this shit from somewhere else and then sell it to you for more output on their website yeah that's what i gather from it yeah wow okay it, okay. It's so weird. Yeah, I don't like it at all. Is she still doing acting? Is she still like, or is this her main thing?

I think this is her main thing now. I think she's gone away from acting a little bit, but like she was in the last Iron Man movie. Oh, fair enough, okay, yeah. But I don't know when or if she's going to make anything else. Okay. You know, I don't think she cares

because now she's just... Because she's got loads of money on this goop. Yeah, she's a wellness empire. So, like, who is going on this goop? Like, what's the... I think it's like, it's just like... People with loads of money. Middle-aged white women with too much money and time on their hands

and not enough happiness in their life. That's how I... Oh, my God. I really... Like, if you... If you on their hands and not enough happiness in their life. That's how I – Oh, my God. Like if you subscribe to like her idea of what wellness – Jesus, it makes me so angry. I know. It's out. Because it's so intense and none of it's founded in science. And none of it is really about health.

It is about – like I said, everything is about cleansing. So it is about like deprivation. Yeah. So like, you know, your juice cleanses and stuff like that.

And then she does a Christmas goop list with like things you should get for Christmas. Oh, what? And it's stuff like things you could buy for Christmas,

like an island, like buying an island. What? So it's not for... What? What? Like actually buying an like an island, like buying an island. So it's not what like actually buying an island. Yeah. To buy and not go on vacation. To make you happy. Buy an island. Yeah, sure.

I've got a fucking billion pounds. Yeah. I don't know if she puts out the list because she knows people hate it so much and it's like a PR thing. Oh, maybe. But some people get. I just. And there was an interview once. Oh, my God. She just makes me so mad. Go, thing. Oh, maybe. But some people get, I just, and there was an interview once.

Oh, my God. She just makes me so mad. Go, go, go, go, go. Where she went into a yoga studio, I guess. And the person behind the counter asked her something was like, oh, do you need a mat? Or have you ever practiced yoga? Which is, as someone who worked in a yoga studio, it's something you just ask people if it's their first time in their studio. And she's like, the only reason why you do yoga is because I do yoga.

I invented yoga. And I'm like, what privileged white Hollywood person? Yeah. Because she didn't invent yoga. Yes, maybe she made it a little more mainstream. I'll give her that. But if she had never created goop I swear to god yoga would still be as popular yeah yeah madness it seems like she's just like making it less accessible for people

yeah I mean she has come out and been like this isn't for this is I don't live a normal life so I don't write which part of me is like okay I get that but then the other just it's at one point she was uh telling people that they should steam they should buy these steamers and steam their vagina what to get the toxins out it's a lot of vaginal yeah stuff that really gets to me because it's not safe. You're not supposed to do that. No, yeah, it sounds like it would hurt. Yeah.

Yeah. And a fun fact, if you didn't know this, the vagina is its own microcosm of life, and it needs like a certain amount of bacteria, and it needs a certain amount. So if you put things inside it, even if it's just steam, you will get a UTI and you will be uncomfortable. Oh my God. Wow. Do you think that then she was offered these things and someone at a company was like, oh, someone's selling off these things because they didn't sell somewhere else. Right. So, okay, cool. We'll put them on the group website and then just sell them off like that? I don't know. I mean, I think she clearly has some sort of market for it.

So I don't think she's picking things blindly. And I think she believes in it. Well, it's good. I don't know if she does because one time she was on Fallon. I know too much about this. Wow, you know loads about this. This is great, though. For someone who doesn't like her.

She was on Fallon and Fallon called her up on it. It was around, I think it was Fallon. It might have been Kimmel. It was one of the Jimmys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But called her up on the jade egg thing, because that's when that blew up. And he was like, do you really think this works? Do you really?

And she's like, I don't know. Wow, okay. So she wouldn't at that moment be like, no, this is a product I believe in. She kind of just poo-pooed it. Yeah. Someone's told me, and we want to sell them. Exactly. Do you know anyone that tried it? No. No, not often poo-pooed it. Yeah. Someone's told me. Yeah. And we want to sell them. Exactly. Do you know anyone that tried it?

No. No. Not often. No. I don't think so. I probably, if I asked around the yoga communities, I could probably find someone. Yeah, yeah. But I haven't so far.

Maybe someone that called you on Facebook. Yeah, exactly. Someone said to another. Okay. Gwyneth Paltrow as CEO of Goo. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Horrible to be with on an island, I stressful yeah because she'd be like here's some bark and what we should do is we

should eat it and it'll it'll cleanse our body but maybe we should maybe we should go fishing and get some food and she'd be like no no no bark bark is all you're like really because Gwyneth I really feel really sick and she's just like well yeah you know I wasn't completely sure yeah yeah it's the toxins coming out of your body they're toxins we have to detox you yeah um okay Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be a second choice uh who's going to be a third choice third choice okay so oh my god we have so many ways to go okay I'm going to go with my downstairs neighbor when I lived in New York City on 135th Street. Okay. Because she was such a terror, we had to move.

That bad? Yeah. So like all New York apartments and London apartments too, they're not made very well. You can just hear people walking around. Totally, yeah. And apparently the woman who lived in our apartment before us, which I'm 90% sure died in the apartment, was a very, very old woman who probably made no noise.

This woman, if we made any type of noise, like any type of noise, so if we took the garbage out of the garbage can and then set it on the floor, she would hit the ceiling with a broomstick. To the point where I was like, I think she's constantly holding a broomstick. She's just like ready all the time. Like if we took off our shoes and not even like through them, but just like took off your shoe and dropped it, she'd bang it. And then at one point I went to Australia to do some shows.

And I came back. And my roommate was like just shell-shocked. And she was like, we're moving. We're moving right now. Because apparently this woman saw my roommate going into the building and was like, hey, hey. And grabbed her, trying to tell her that she was too loud. But at the same time, they constantly blared music nonstop all the time. Yeah.

What? And I mean loud, loud, loud, loud, loud. Like it was in our house. What music? What music? Some sort of Dominican music. Oh, right. Oh, okay.

Oh, right. Like I can't be like, it was this artist. Yeah, right. Because all I know, it was like, it was Dominican music. And you could hear one of them, like, singing constantly. And I was like, this. But what can you do? You can't bang on the floor because she's just going to bang back.

Exactly. And then, but with the loud music, even still, if we, like, scraped a chair across the floor, she'd still hear it and bang. What? It was the worst she must have had brooms everywhere ready i guess so yeah i i have no clue but it would it would happen so quickly that i was like she's holding this stick constantly that's crazy yeah so you had to move out because of this yeah we moved out because it's too stressful yeah it was too stressful and it

like screwed with us for a while like even now even now in my own apartment, and this is, like, years ago now, if I drop something on the floor, I get a little, like, oh, no. Oh, because what if she bangs? Yeah, what if she bangs? And now I live above two of the loveliest men ever, so that's never happened. Yeah, yeah, that's great. What if you were to have a party or anything? Did you have people around, or were you scared not really i mean it was a small apartment so we never

really had a party or anything right okay so i i can't yeah yeah really speak to what if that happened uh but yeah she was just nuts oh my god did you ever see in her apartment no i have no clue what it looks like oh my god i don't know why No, I have no clue what it looks like. Oh my God. I don't know why. I'm dying to know what it was like in there. Yeah, I'm really curious as well. Because like, what if it was like really, I don't know. In my head, she's a hoarder. Yeah, absolutely.

Like she's just, it's just. To bang on the ceiling, she was standing on a pile of newspaper. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And that makes sense because there's just things everywhere to hit the ceiling with. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That is so annoying. How long did you live there? Probably just a year. Okay. Yeah. Oh, right.

Yeah, like we couldn't deal with it. And I was gone for most of it. Like I went to Australia and then I went to Edinburgh. And one time I came back and my roommate's like, we got to go. I can't do this anymore. Had enough. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay. Yeah. Did you come to this anymore. Had enough. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah. Did you come to England from then? No. Then I moved into a lovely apartment on 116th Street, which I don't want to brag, was a duplex apartment. Okay. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

What, it's two floors? Yes. It's a two bedroom apartment, two floors, two bathrooms, six blocks from central park when i moved here because i moved here a couple years after we got that apartment i held on to that apartment for a year in case i ever wanted to move back did you because i was like there's no way i'll ever find a place like this really yeah it wasn't a six floor walk-up so if you forgot to buy the milk you just didn't have milk but duplex apartment yeah oh my god that's amazing yeah this company must be paying well yeah yeah wow okay it's great

i have no idea i have no idea what that would be is that expensive it was uh 2 200 a month when we left i have no idea what that's like is that sounds like a lot of money. So, yeah. So it would have been like a thousand each US dollars. But nice. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know what the exchange rate is anymore. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the pound is a fickle mistress these days.

Okay, yeah. But at the time it was probably around 900 a month each. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was probably around there. But it's nice. Yeah, but it was a nice. You get your own bathroom. Yeah.

Six blocks from Central Park. Amazing, yeah, yeah. I don't know why it was that low. It's crazy. But it's nice. Yeah, but it was a nice. You get your own bathroom. Yeah. Six blocks from Central Park. Amazing, yeah. I don't know why it was that low. Like, I really don't. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Yeah. Oh, brilliant. Okay.

So that neighbor is going to be your third choice. Hellish. You're just trying to live your life on the island, and that's what you get. Yeah, yeah. Awful. She's banging sticks. Yeah. She's, you know, I walk across the stand.

She's like, shut up. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Abigail, thank you so much. You're welcome. All right. Okay.

Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? So for drink, we're going to go with Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. Okay. Have you had that? Yeah, I've had it because I've been to America as a young teenager.

That's when you would have had it. I was like, whoa, this is so cool. I'm in America and I'm going to drink some Mountain Dew. But I don't think you get it here. I don't know if I've seen it here. It's definitely a child's drink. You know what I mean? The Mountain Dew in the States, all the advertisements were people doing

like X Games so like doing like extreme sports yeah and like skateboarding on the half pipe and all that

and being like drinking Mountain Dew and it was supposed to have so much caffeine in it that's why kids loved it it was just full of sugar and caffeine so it's an energy drink

it's like Red Bull dressed up different yeah it was Red Bull for kids and it was marketed towards kids and it was it is red bull for kids and it was marketed towards kids and it was it is this like lime green fluorescent yellow color it's the most unnatural color yeah and it is so gross tasting it tasted like this medicine i used to have to take when i was like really

little at one point i got really sick when i was about six and i had to take this chewable yellow pill that was the same color as Mountain Dew. And it tasted like Mountain Dew. Like so bad. Is it popular? It was when I was like in the 90s. It was the drink of choice for 11 to 15 year olds. Yeah, yeah.

And I never liked it. So I was kind of like an outcast. You know, you go over and like it's a big video gaming drink. You know what I mean? You sit there with your Doritos and your Mountain Dew and you're playing Super Mario and you're getting all hyped up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're really painting the picture of the Mountain Dew drinker.

I don't think I've seen it over here, but I've definitely seen it in films and stuff. And so when we went to america when like in my early teens with my family it was like you know we were just buying into all these things yeah like got try mountain dew got have a twinkie i'm sounding like such a loser right now aren't i uh got have like uh peanut butter m&ms that kind of stuff do you know i mean so i remember drinking it but i do think i was jacked up like the whole time. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah.

It was just like sat in a car with my family just like, oh, my fucking God, I need to burn some energy off. I remember because at my local Sandsbos, they have an American section. And it's got like an American flag. It's like one shelf. And it's got an American flag. And it's got like nerds and Twinkies and big marshmallows and stuff. And I was in the store with my boyfriend who's English. And I was like, this is what you people think America's like. And my boyfriend looks at the stand and just

looks at me and goes, what's a Tootsie Roll? Because he never had one. Thank you for appreciating that because I went home and told my family that my boyfriend had never had a tootsie roll and if you've never had one they're really hard to explain it's like okay you know caramel it's like yeah yeah i like caramel and you know fudge fudge is great so if you combine those two that's what a tootsie roll is but it doesn't taste good no yeah yeah it's different yeah it's like i find with a lot of those american sweets and confectionery there's like a really acquired taste you know i mean it's like like hershey's chocolate it's really sugary yeah really should yeah yeah yeah guys this stuff i think like

hershey's chocolate has something in it that kind of tastes like sick really to me i don't think that no i know but like you grew up with it of course yeah but it's just i don't. I don't think that at all. No, I know, but you grew up with it, I think. Of course, yeah. Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know what it is. Google that, because I think it's something to do with the British taste buds, and Hershey's chocolate has something in it, a chemical, that gives me this weird taste in my mouth.

Oh. I don't think I'm the only person. Yeah, I've never heard that, but I'm very curious. Yeah, have a look into it. Because Hershey's chocolate, I will acknowledge it's not the best chocolate. It's not like a fancy, nice chocolate. But it is like home. Yes, it's popular.

It's like, it reminds me of Christmases where you get the little Hershey kisses. Yes, yeah. And like Halloween. Sorry, I've just thrown up all over that. Sorry, that wasn't nice of me. It's fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So Mountain Dew, right? Mountain Dew. Did you have a bad experience drinking Mountain Dew? I didn't ever have a bad experience. I just didn't like it, and everyone around me was drinking it. And I just could never get on board. Yeah. I guess part of it is like, oh, I wanted, it would have been like the cool kids drink Mountain Dew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been one of the cool kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever had. Part of the extreme gang. Yeah. Yeah, we watch Jackass and we drink Mountain Dew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it'd be one of the cool kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever had. Part of the extreme gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we watch Jackass and we drink Mountain Dew.

That is exactly it. You've got it. You know the demographic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Okay. And also, you know, if you allow me this,

on the island, you've got no drinking water and all you've got is Mountain Dew. Right. It's awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be fucked up pretty quick. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad.

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Salmon. Salmon. And specifically, salmon that has been cooked well. No way. With a lot of care. I can't eat salmon. You can't eat it? I can't eat it. Do you get sick? Yeah. It makes me choke. It makes me gag. And it's one of those things where, again, especially because it is good for you,

and it's like, oh, it would be a nice thing. I think salmon looks pretty. I'm like, I would like to eat it. And I've tried it every sort of way, and I can't eat it. And a couple of times I've been asked to go to dinner parties, and the person will be like, oh, is there anything you don't eat? And I'm always like, oh, I eat anything. And then always like an hour before I'm like, oh, I hope they didn't make something with salmon.

And they always do. It's always a salmon dish. And I was raised in rural Ohio. I'm a good Midwest girl. So if you make me food, I have to eat it. Right, yeah. Otherwise, it's a huge insult to the person who had you over. So there's just been times where I've, like, as an adult, choked down,

saying, am I being like, this is so good. What did you put? Is this so? You're just there just chucking sauce on, changing the flavor. And trying to just chew it with my teeth so it never touches my taste buds. Oh, my God. Do you eat any other fish? I can do like a really, really mild white fish.

Okay, yeah. And I can eat fish cakes, and I think that's because they're full of potato and cheese. Yeah. And they're breaded. Yeah, there's other flavor, yeah. But I'm not a big, when I was young, all fish used to make me choke. And now. You can palate some stuff.

Yeah, now I can do some stuff, but it has to be really mild. I was just in Spain and I tried sardines. Oh, they're salty. Like whole sardines and like eating them. They were just grilled on the beach and all that. Couldn't handle it. No. Yeah.

Couldn't handle it. No, no, no. Okay. What about seafood? Other seafood like shellfish and everything? I can do prawns. Yeah. I can eat prawns.

Yeah. I can, I've had oysters. I don't know if I like oysters so much as the idea of eating oysters. Yeah, because it looks cool. You put a lemon on it and maybe you have something like bubbly with it. Yeah. And it's kind of like, it quite classy yeah yeah yeah um but actually though if you're not into fishy stuff that is like yeah that is the most intensely fishy well

like oysters also kind of like they taste a lot like what you put on them so it's true. We used to have these big barbecues down where my uncle lived, and he used to make oysters on the grill. I think that's how he'd cook them, and then he'd chuck them, open them, and we'd put, what is it called? I'm going to say cocktail sauce, but your cocktail sauce is different. So it's like. Is it hot sauce? No.

It's like a tomato thing mixed with horseradish. Oh, yeah. So it's like a red horseradish. Like Tabasco or not? In Tabasco. There's Tabasco in it. So you mix all that up. Yeah.

And you put in... Whenever you get a prawn cocktail here, it's always that pink. Thousand Island stuff. Yeah, it's not nice. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. But if you put that all over the oyster and then just swallow it whole, you just get this burning horseradish-y Tabasco. And that's quite nice.

That does sound nice. That's nice. That sounds really good. You know that sauce, that Thousand Island sauce that we have, that pink sauce? That's just ketchup and mayo mixed. Is that all that is? That's all that is. It's weird, isn't it?

I have no idea. Yeah. Because it's pink and it always comes in a crystal glass, so you think it's super fancy. Yeah, but it's not, not always comes in a crystal glass. So you think it's super fancy. Yeah, but it's not. Not at all. Okay. So salmon.

So my sister-in-law, she's actually allergic to something in salmon, right? But it's the stuff they put on it to make it pink, to make it more pink. Is it not naturally pink? Well, it is. But like, you know, when you get a piece of salmon, it's just like that vibrant pink. Or like, especially smoked salmon, right? It's intensely pink looking. They put stuff on it to make it that intensely pink.

Oh, I did not know that. And so when she eats it, it's that chemical. So other fish she's fine, but whatever they use to make it more pink, that's what she's allergic to, apparently. I'm surprised there isn't the whatever chemical-free salmon now. You know what I mean like yeah you know how everything's like um line caught yes because you want to be as honest as possible about your food yeah i'm surprised it's not like not whatever pink yeah dyed pink not dyed pink yeah it's salmon okay all right so salmon's gonna be your food choice yeah all right um there might be an abundance of salmon on the island is the only thing.

Oh, that'll be a shame. Wouldn't it? Yeah. Salmon and Mountain Dew, I can't think of a worse combination either. For the rest of your life. Sorry, I don't mean to do that to you. Thank you very much, Abigail. No worries.

Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work. But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? I hate The Notebook. The Notebook?

I hate The Notebook. Okay, please pick it apart. I hate it so much. All right, so this is because of the situation I watched The Notebook. So when I was in college, I was dating this guy, and I was going to do a study abroad in Germany for six months. So essentially it was like right before we broke up because, you know, six months. And he loved The Notebook.

And I do. I love a rom-com. I love a romantic movie. I really do. But he was like, you have to watch it. It's the greatest movie ever. You have to watch it. You have to watch it.

And so finally, like the day before I was to leave Germany, I was like, you have to watch it. It's the greatest movie ever. You have to watch it. You have to watch it. And so finally, like the day before I was to leave Germany, I was like, I'll sit down and watch this freaking movie with you. And we're in my bedroom watching it on my laptop and my bedroom was next to the living room and I could hear all of our friends in the living room

laughing and having a good time. And I am stuck in this room watching this movie. And I was like, this is not where I want to be. And, you know, he's like, oh, you watched the Nova. You'll cry. You'll cry. You'll cry. And spoilers, if you haven't seen it, I'm going to spoil it.

But if you haven't seen it, good. It's a bad movie. Yeah, okay. So as you know, you've seen it, yeah. So it turns out that he's reading their life, which I clocked right at the beginning. I was like, I know what's going on here. And so it gets to the point where the woman who has Alzheimer's is having a lucid moment, and she realizes it, and they hug. And, you know, it's a very beautiful moment.

And he's like, she's like, it's you. And he's like, it's her. And they hug. And I'm just watching it. And I'm, like, looking at the screen, and I asked my boyfriend, I was like, so is you. And he's like, it's her. And they hug. And I'm just watching it. And I'm like looking at the screen. And I asked my boyfriend, I was like, so is this a point where everyone cries? And I look over at my boyfriend and he just tears streaming down his face. And he's like, you're a monster.

And I'm like, I am bored is what I am. Oh, my God. Everyone in there is having a nice time. Yeah. You're watching this so you could have a big cry. Yeah. Don't lie to me. Yeah.

And you spotted it from the beginning. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I watched it. I remember. I don't fully remember watching it because I'm probably fairly tuned out.

But I think if you don't pick up on what's going to happen, right, then come on, guys. But how can you not? Yeah, I know. He's reading a journal to a woman with Alzheimer's. They're both the same age. It's like. Come on. Yeah.

It's just I find it a clunky story. I don't know. I just didn't like it. How is it so popular? I mean, it's got the feels, you know what I mean? It's got the feels. I mean, I got my boyfriend at the time crying so hard. And he was an ex-Marine.

So if he's crying. Really? Okay. Well, maybe it's something about you then, just deep down. I just don't like love. And I don't like it when people all of a sudden remember they're in love. That's the key. That's why I'm like, well, this is stupid. Yeah, right.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I genuinely, yeah, actually thinking about it, I know that I've seen it. I can't remember when. And I can't remember exactly what happened, to be honest. Yeah. I don't really remember a lot of it. I just remember that part where she realizes it.

And that's the moment. Yeah. And having Robert like weeping beside me and me just being like I just want to go and have a beer and hang out in the front room. Yeah. This is the worst. Did it end quite

soon after that or? Yeah. So then she remembers. Oh I meant your relationship. Oh I thought the movie I was like yeah and then she remembers oh i meant your relationship oh oh i thought the movie i was like yeah and then they like die at the same time they die together did they actually yeah oh right okay i don't remember that i think so i think they're like the next scene is them like falling asleep and i think they like die at the same time and or i think like wow you know uh yeah no the relationship ended shortly after that.

Because I went to Germany. If you ever want to break up with someone, by the way, take it from me, Auntie Abigail. I've done this a couple times. You just move countries. You just move countries. It's just not going to work. Yeah, and then you're both like, let's have as much fun until we leave. And then they make you watch The Notebook for

two hours and you're like, I am so glad I'm getting out of it. Yeah, this is the end. Okay, and thank you very much. And what's going to be your song choice? The Hokey Pokey. The Hokey Pokey. Yeah. Here it's called the Hokey Cokey.

And that makes it worse. So in America we call it the Hokey Pokey, which makes sense to me because in my old school days when it was a big rage. When you're five years old, top ten, top ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you do the hokey pokey, yeah. You dance around and you kind of put both your index fingers. And you're poking.

And you're poking. So it makes it hokey cokey. If it's called that, I will go mad on the island. I will purely go mad on the island if this is all I have. Why kokey? What is kokey? It's true. There's no beverage.

I feel like this is product placement by Coca-Cola. It could be. They're like, we're going to bring it. Maybe they put it in an advert. Yeah. It became the hokey kokey. Oh, that's a very, very interesting question. Very underhand.

If it's not true, let's start that. Yeah. So if ever someone brings up the Hokey Cokey, you'd be like... Oh, you know Coca-Cola did that? Yeah, do you know that? Do you know it was an advertisement in the 50s? Yeah. Just make it up.

Oh, my God. But it is a bad... Can you imagine having to listen to that? Especially... Evil. I'm picturing when I was a bad, like, can you imagine having to listen to that? Evil. Especially, I'm picturing when I was a kid, you'd do it in, like, music class or something like that. And so there's always this big, scratchy record where you had listened to it and a guy is singing it. It's just a bad song. I guess you do kind of, you poke your hand in, but you put your hand in.

I don't know. You put your right hand in. You put your right hand hand in but you put your hand in i don't know you put your right hand out you put your right hand in oh is that how you guys do it all about no you don't know how you do it we go you put your right hand in you put your right hand out you put your right hand in and you shake it all about you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around that's what it's all about this is now gonna be in my head all day i know yeah uh i've got two little kids so we do the hokey cokey yeah i feel sorry for your children does it make you feel so sad i'm going to call the social services right i'm just going to put this to you are you sure it started in america no i've where did it start good question did

did it start here i don. Did it start here? I don't know. And if so, then why do we say pokey? Maybe because we're just a little slower. Okay. I don't know. Maybe. We're like, we can't be pokey.

We're more pokey. It makes sense that you poke your hands. Yeah. That's the dancing movement. Oh, my God. Any song with directions in it. Yes. Like, do you know the cha-cha slide oh my god big wedding song big prom song stuff like that i'm just like can we not um here we've got one

saturday night and oh yeah have you heard that one i heard that and people like do a move yeah like it's kind of like the macarena but like a really basic Macarena. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I learned that because I was emceeing a bingo night. Not bragging. The career's going real well. Yeah. And that song started to play. And my co-host and the audience just went nuts. And I had no clue what was going on.

So it was just kind of like following along, being like, like I was like a lemur. I was just jumping off the cliff with him. I was like, is this culture? It's so weird, isn't it? Do you remember, there's like, I guess it was a rap song or a hip hop song. I think it was called The Wiggle. Do you remember that?

Yeah, like do the wiggle or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time I was in a bar in New York, I was talking to a friend. And I was like, how's your boyfriend? And she was like, you know, he's actually going through a really hard time, you know, because he's been up for a couple roles. We were all actors at the time. And he hasn't got them. He's just tired of working in the same restaurant every – and then the wiggle comes on. And she's like – and he's just having a – excuse me, I have to go dance to the wiggle right now and just walked away from it like she's like burying her boyfriend's problems to me and

then was like i must wiggle oh my god okay all right uh so the hokey poke hokey poke hokey pokey hokey pokey or the hokey cokey uh either way it But it'll pain you more to have to listen to the Hokey Cokey. Yeah. If it's just a version that's recorded. Because it just doesn't sound right to me. Okay. Thank you very much, Abigail. So the Hokey Pokey is going to be your song.

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Hypoallergenic dogs. Hypoallergenic dogs. Because I am allergic to dogs. Okay. Violently so. They give me horrible asthma. Can't breathe. And I am allergic to hypoallergenic

dogs. Like, everyone says you can't be. I know this because specifically dog people. Right. I'm like, oh, I can't because I'm allergic to dogs. And they're like, not my dog. And I'm like, you don't think I've tested this. Yeah, okay, right, yeah. I've done the market research.

I'm allergic to all dogs across the board, the poodles, the Labradors. I'm allergic to all of them. And, but people just, even when I'm like, no, no, I'm definitely allergic to your dog, people don't believe me. Okay. And like.

No, but it's got, well, I mean, it's a thing. That's totally a thing so like it's because is it because they're just blindly love their dog so much yeah i think um yeah i think because it's always people who refer to their dogs as their children these people you have to be careful yeah yeah these people can't be trusted or you see on their social media it might say like dog dad or dog parent or something. Me with my fur babies. No.

There's some friends of mine that listen to this podcast. I know will be listening to this. And I know that they have this on their social media. So I'd like to apologize. And you are horrible people. James can apologize. You are horrible people. You're a dog dad.

No, you know what? That dog only likes you because you feed it. That's the only reason why it likes you. If it lives anywhere else, it will forget about you. The dog doesn't like you. I'm so sorry. And now the dog is on the island with me and I don't like it. What are you going to do about this?

I'm so sorry. I'm not going to agree with this. I'm just going to take very hard stances this whole time. I'm just going to silently nod my head. Yeah, fair enough. But I have the option to edit that out. No, that's fine. I won't.

Okay, yes. Do you think that you would like dogs if you weren't allergic to dogs? Absolutely. Absolutely. It's such a shame, I think, for you. Well, and when I was a kid, I used to still try to play. I'm allergic with dog and cats. And as I've gotten older, my dog allergy has intensified.

And I think it's because I'm not around them anymore. So I developed at one point a bit of a resistance to it. But even when I was a kid, I'd play with dogs so much so that my eyes would swell shut. And I mean shut. So my mom would have to take me to the doctor's office and lead me in to get a cortisone shot because I wanted to play with dogs so badly. Oh, that's such a shame.

So this is the saddest thing I think I've ever said. I remember one time watching a pet food commercial, and at the end of the pet food commercial, it's the family on the bed, and then the cats and the dogs all jump on the bed. And looking at it and going, that does look nice. The reason why I don't like dogs is because I can't like dogs. I want to like dogs.

That's so sad. Yeah. Sad for you as a kid. Yeah. It was a no mountain do. It wasn't like a mountain. Do couldn't play with the dogs. What if like have you had ever had a situation where you're moving into a flat and like they've had pets before?

Yeah. And you just can't do it. You can't move in or you've had to like. No, I've never had to like move out of a place because the ex owners had dogs. But I have like. So my mom now has a dog she's a living dog that means she doesn't want you to come home well uh oh here's a fun story uh when the year before i left for college my brother came home with a puppy labrador and my brother had uh when

he was younger he had like shock white hair this is how my mother tells a story she came he came into her bedroom he was wearing a white hoodie and he unzips it in this little puppy face this little beautiful black dog and uh and my brother is like pale with white hair and this little white dog he's wearing and he looks at my mother and goes doesn't he just take your breath away and i my mom told me and i was like but mom we can't have a dog i'm allergic to dog and my mom looked at me and goes well you are going to college soon wow and so she's already replaced you there yeah and for the last year i lived at home we had a dog and when i moved to new york and then came back home my mother was like

you look so healthy because although it didn't give me the asthma it gives me now like I constantly had dark circles under my eyes I was like low level ill without realising it oh my god yeah

okay so dogs are going to be animals first you just wouldn't be able to survive no yeah okay I mean yeah I mean many reasons why you might put dogs on Okay. So dogs are going to be animal choice. You just wouldn't be able to survive? No, yeah. Okay. I mean, yeah. I mean, many reasons why you might put dogs on,

but that is a very good one. Abigail, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Abigail, you've got a hilarious comedy show. Yes. Please tell the listeners about it. So I will be at the Soho Theatre, August 5th and 6th, with my show, Do You Know Who I Think I Am?

And now you know so much about me. And then we're doing it in the fall. It's going on tour around the UK to, I think, eight or nine other cities. And you can find those on my website, abigaliah.com slash tour. And it will list them all there. So if you can't make it to the London ones on August 5th and 6th at the Soho Theatre, you can come and see me at the Lowry or in Leeds or I'm going to Aberdeen. Please come to Aberdeen.

I don't know anyone there. I have family there and I will tell them to go. Please do. Thank you. I absolutely will. Oh, that's so kind. What can people expect from the show? It is kind of a show about my reaction to people's reaction of me. Because people make certain assumptions about me because the way I look.

For those listening at home, I have a shaved head. I have bright pink hair. I have tattoos. I have an American accent. And, you know, when you're performing uh in a place like walton on thames it's a bit much okay it's a bit much for them you're a bit out there yeah i'm a bit out there i'm a bit scary yeah okay and uh and i don't really see myself as that way but sometimes people are like oh well wow that's a choice okay if you're in the sainsbury's before

the show or whatever probably were waitrose and walton on thamesbury's before the show, or probably at Waitrose in Wharton-on-Temps, and the show is called Who Do You Think I Am? No, do you... Do you know who I think I am? Hold on. Do you know who... Yeah, I forgot it. Do you know who I think I am?

Do you know who I think I am? Excellent. If people want to find you on social media, where can they find you? They can find me on Instagram and Twitter, at AbbaGoliath. So if you can figure out how to spell my first name, social media where can they find you uh they can find me uh on instagram and twitter at abigaliah so if you can figure out how to spell my first name you can find me anywhere on the internet because it's all just my first name okay well thank you so much for coming in thank you for

having me