Desert Island Dicks - ALASDAIR BECKETT-KING

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

Comedian, writer, podcaster - the man is an all round polymath - Alasdair Beckett-King joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine. And disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. hi i'm dan benedictus and welcome to desert island dicks the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, author and co-host of the Lawman podcast, Alistair Beckett-King. How are you doing? Hello, Daniel. I'm very well. Apart from being stuck on a desert island,

things are going very well for me. Thank you. Good, good. Thank you for coming on today. we're about to talk about people and things you detest or yeah to be stuck with yeah how's this as a prospect for you well it's been very difficult for me normally people on a podcast say come up with your your top five this or um your top three that i feel like i better not just pick all of the uh the cis hat straight white guys who influenced me when I was 14 years old but the good news about this is because I'm picking bad people I can just do

all cis het white guys without feeling bad about it because I'm saying they're bad so that's fine right? Yeah I think so I think that's fine I mean are you sort of a ranty person in general or are you quite calm a ranty person in general? Are you sort of quite calm?

I have been known to rant. I don't do it in comedy. Like, I'm not a ranting stand-up comedian. Because, and this bodes really poorly for the podcast. I don't think I'm that funny when I rant. I think when I'm angry about something, people listening just go, yeah, he's right, actually. We should change.

I'm just so truthful. Okay, we'll just start and we'll see how we get on. Great. Who's going to be the first person on the island with you? The first worst person to be stuck on an island with, for me, is Oliver Cromwell. Okay, Oliver Cromwell. What's your beef with old Oliver? Well, first of all, I look too Irish to feel safe around Oliver Cromwell,

famous as he is for genociding Irish people. I mean, that's bad. And I feel like there's no two ways about that. You shouldn't do that. But the thing that really gets me about Oliver Cromwell, not to sort of put that to one side, but putting that to one side, the thing that really gets me about Oliver Cromwell is I'm a Republican. I'm not in favour of the monarchy. And Oliver Cromwell got rid of the monarchy and then was just so annoying that they brought the monarchy back

because he was such a wanker that they were like, this is worse, actually. Now that he's dead, let's just bring the monarchy back. And it's like a Puritan he was like oh we got rid of the monarchy I was like yes brilliant and he said also

there can be no dancing and now Christmas has to be boring and you can't do anything fun because I'm a Puritan and also my son should be in charge after me

you idiot you we were so close we were so close and you ruined it by being a wanker and also murdering loads

of Irish people. Yeah, yeah. Which is also bad. That is also very bad, yeah. It's not the way to behave. Yeah, I mean, obviously, again, I don't want to park that. But it's perhaps the least entertaining part of all of the good ones. You know, it's just such an obvious obvious no-no you know well it

is especially on an island with only four people we can't have a genocider on the island yeah without causing problems exactly um but yeah the the monarchy thing is it is annoying like you know big regime change and it just ends up kind of equally bad and not that fun and more puritanical and you just think it's so disheartening when things like that happen isn't it? I thought this was our fresh chance and oh fuck. Think of what

a cool hip country we would be by now if we hadn't gone can we have the monarchy back? I'm sorry I'm sorry I hate England. But I hate Oliver Cromwell more for making England worse. Yeah, just why make it boring after all that time?

It's like, have a big party in all the palaces. You just chopped a king's head off. The French are not always right, but the French got that bit right. Yeah. Don't stop at one and then ban dancing. Yeah, but I just wonder, it just sort of smacks of something like where, as a dancer as a child, he got ridiculed for his moves. By a really good Irish dancer.

And he was like, one day. Yeah, wearing a crown, like a party hat at Christmas. Apparently he enjoyed pranks. He enjoyed pranks? Yeah, apparently in contrast to his puritanical reputation, he quite enjoyed pranks, which I also regard as the worst possible kind of joke. Because the whole joke of a prank is,

I knew I was pulling a prank on you, but you didn't because I didn't give you that information. It's like that isn't a joke, is it? That's cruelty. That's not a joke. It's like a prank phone't a joke, is it? That's cruelty. That's not a joke. It's like a prank phone call. I phoned up pretending to be someone else. It's not a joke. It isn't a joke. You're just lying. Sorry.

I might have to turn my mic down. I didn't realise how much I was going to shatter. That's fine. No, I just, I also wonder someone who oversaw the genocide of lots of Irish people and wants to ban christmas and had someone you know executed i mean what what kind of pranks are they you're mixing good things and bad things there so that's confusing obviously to include the execution of the king a good thing with

the genocide about that yeah but he could have just he could have peaceably removed him i suppose is where i'm going yes you know so the removal i'm in favor of but yeah the other bit but i mean what kind of pranks it'd be like aha i've cut your leg off or like i've sent your whole family to prison like hey the joke's on you yeah and then he'd be like guys i've banned christmas and you're like haha these pranks are getting better ol Oliver. Oh, no, that's, oh, God. Right. Yeah, he's awful. Yeah, fair enough. Also, I mean, just completely different attitude.

I mean, he was from such a long time ago now. I mean, what are you going to talk about? I mean, okay, I guess the usual food, shelter, that kind of thing. But after that, I mean. There's not going to be a lot of common ground between me and Oliver Cromwell. Well, I think it's a superb place to start because he was obviously a bastard and not even a fun bastard at that. No, no, not even one of the fun ones. The most boring bastard you can imagine. Yeah.

Cool. Okay. Well, let's see who's going to be joining him. Who's your second choice? Well, I was about to say it's controversial, but it's a list that only I have thought of and I've told nobody about it. So really, I don't know how I think it's generated controversy, but they say you should never meet your heroes. So my second person is my childhood hero, Terry Gilliam, the film director and animator from Monty Python, who I have always deeply admired and loved,

but who lately has been really annoying me on social media. I've never met him, obviously. But his various statements on the issues of the day have infuriated me in a sort of, yeah, in that sort of you shouldn't meet your heroes or maybe more precisely your heroes shouldn't be allowed to have social media over a certain age i don't know is that is that ageist is that unfair well i don't know maybe they should be given a few strikes um so i sort of feel like we get into a lot of rows and he probably wouldn't like me as much as i like his films and so that

would be awkward yeah he's become a bit of a sort of grumpy old man on social media isn't it i don't remember the most recent thing but i don't follow him well he he said um i don't want to be a white man anymore uh i i now identify as a black lesbian it's like that's a that is a hilarious 1989 pc gone mad joke that you're doing 30 years late. And it wasn't hilarious in 1989. And also, can you honestly name a prominent film director who's a black lesbian? Like, I know a reasonable amount of film. I think I can think of one film and I can't remember the director's name.

Like, it just flatly isn't true that being a black lesbian helps you get ahead in the movie business. So why say it? It really annoys me because it isn't true. Also, it annoys me because I can do quite a good impression of him, but nobody knows what he sounds like. So it's not a useful impression to be able to do.

It's like when you're doing your teacher at school and then you're a grown-up and no one knows who they are. You're like, oh, that was so good, though. Yeah, complete waste. Yeah. It makes you think, what's gone on with the whole Monty Python lot? I mean, I think Michael Palin so far, still okay, you know. Palin.

I was very impressed. Sarah Polly, the film director who was the little girl lead in Baron Munchausen, wrote a piece about how dangerous it was on set for her and how distressing and how badly handled she was. And naturally, people tried to sort of tear her apart and say, oh, she just wants attention. And to his great credit, Eric Idle said, no, I was there. It was really dangerous. Terry shouldn't have got away with it. This is really bad. And it's hard to say, no, this person's right right and my long-term collaborator you know was being reckless and so i i you know fair play to eric idol also fair play to eric

idol for being the i think the engine behind all of the monty python merchandise that has allowed them all to continue living without really producing much and has funded doubt, a lot of Terry Gilliam's film work. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. I think the problem is not to, you know, I'm not in a position to diagnose Gilliam and Cleese, but if you're used to upsetting the forces of conservatism in your 20s and 30s loads, like, you know, Life of Brian was banned all over the world.

They genuinely upset the forces of conservatism. And to then, when you're in your dotage, come out with a variety of bizarre pronouncements and have people go, what the hell? I think they come away from that thinking, still get it, still upsetting the squares. It's like, you're not upsetting the squares now. You're just being racist. Yeah, it's like you're not upsetting the squares now you're

just being racist yeah it's so disappointing isn't it and it seems to happen more and more i mean and again it's that thing you know obviously i'm very much not the first person to say it but that's that whole thing especially with john cleese of just sort of being in a position where you get to say publicly what you think a lot and then complaining how you're not allowed to say what you think all the time you know and you know he said something about like how he couldn't get his sitcom on the bbc or he wouldn't i think he then changed it so he wouldn't take his sitcom to the bbc but it's like when was the last time any broadcaster commissioned a sitcom from someone over 70 yeah yeah it's like it just, I'm not saying that ageism in the industry isn't serious. I think there really is an ageism problem in comedy, but it's like, it's not weird that

you haven't had your sitcom commissioned. Most people's sitcoms aren't commissioned. Yeah. Yeah. Like that isn't a new, Victoria Wood, you know, had real difficulty, you know, with an incredible body of work behind her, had real difficulty getting things commissioned. We're not saying commissioners aren't wrong all the time, but it doesn't mean there's a conspiracy against you personally,

elderly white man. And also it's like, well, you've had a pretty good run anyway. So, you know, you've got a comfortable life based on your long history of getting something. Depending on how many ex-wives you have, I'm not sure how far that life and pension goes. That's true. So I do think there may be issues there.

But I mean, it's one thing kind of having had lots of success in your life and then being bitter that you don't continue to. But there's a lot of people who've never had the success, you know, and largely because of like how they identify or what, you know, ethnic or sexual group they're, you know, or gender they're, you know, part of. Yeah, it's like you've had a really good run at it. Like you can't be hard done by now. I agree. And I think, I don't think it's inevitable. I can think of various people who have continued

to sort of innovate in terms of the work they do as comics and also in terms of their attitude towards comedy and what comedy can be like. So perhaps I should have said John Cleese rather than Terry Gilliam. But the truth is that I think Gilliam had a bigger influence on me. And I still feel extremely warmly towards him and his films, which is why I feel so conflicted about it and why it would be really awkward on the island.

Yeah. I mean, John Cleese would be a nightmare on a desert island because he's such a moaner. He'd be like, I don't like this desert island. It's like, yeah, I know, John, we're on a desert island. It's not meant to be comfortable. Yeah, no, but I think it's, you're right. I think it's more painful to be stuck with someone that you did, you did you know you idolized and then you just sort of get to know all their

annoying tics was if someone was a dick to begin with maybe they'd surprise you but it's you're going to feel more let down with terry i think so um yeah i think it's a fair choice okay well who's going to be the third person rounding out this triumvirate? Well, I'm cheating a little bit on the third, because I noticed that you didn't have worst video games, and most of my most controversial and worst takes are about video games. Okay. So I'm cheating, and I'm going to have David Cage, the creator of multiple video games, as my worst person.

Principally because I really, really really really hate the video game heavy rain okay right now i'm not a huge gamer myself so um for for those of us out there who who aren't familiar with the with the title give us a little background well heavy rain is a a multi-award winning video game it's's won a couple of BAFTAs. And this is not a criticism of any of the people who worked on it. You know, it looks fantastic. You know, at the time it was like

one of the best looking games. It's super high polished. It's a serial killer thriller type situation with a missing kid and cryptic clues. And it is also the absolutely the worst video game ever made. But nobody seems to know. Like it's really well reviewed and it won several BAFTAs. So basically it's as if, you know, The Room, the film,

you know, not the trapped in a room one, the really bad. Oh, hi, Mark. Yeah, the terrible, terrible. If the room was quite polished, it is quite polished. It's as if the room won multiple Oscars and people didn't realise that it was a terrible film. The only way to enjoy Heavy Rain is to enjoy it in a it's so bad, it's good kind of way.

Right. But there are people out there enjoying it as if it were just good. And it's plot-wise, I don't want to be the plot holes guy. The plot makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Your child has been kidnapped due to being annoying, as far as I can tell.

And to get him back, you have to solve a series of riddles. At the end of each riddle you solve, you get a little memory card showing you your child in an increasing state of peril. And those are sort of timestamped. So each time you solve a puzzle, the video is of the child like an hour before.

And there are six puzzles and you're given them all, or six or seven puzzles, and you're given them all at the start. But the game makes you solve them sequentially. Except, and sorry to be a nerd here, what that means is because those videos have to be recorded just before you solve the puzzle, the end points of the puzzles haven't been set up at the start because they haven't been recorded yet. I'm realizing that there's no way this makes any sense to anyone. The point is, the main character solves the puzzles sequentially in order when it would make way more sense

to solve the later puzzles and then wait for the guy to come and set them up. There's no reason to do it in the order that the game tells you to do it in because you're just constantly chasing the guy.

I can't explain how bad it is. That doesn't make any sense, does it? No, that makes sense. That makes sense. All right. But it's also appalling on a character level. Like the game is only interested in things from the protagonist's point of view. Nothing has been thought through remotely from any of the other characters.

So the sort of the female semi-protagonist is just, it makes no sense. She hasn't been thought, it's just appallingly sexist. She's incredibly one-dimensional. Why she is even interested in or attracted to or spending any time with the protagonist, no time has been spent thinking about that. I think there's like one black character who is an incredibly scary muscle-bound mechanic criminal who tries to murder you like within a second of meeting you. And that's it. And is voiced quite dubiously.

It's just an appallingly stupid, exploitative piece of trash. But no one knows, Daniel. They think it's good. I can't explain how little the plot makes sense. The plot is the stupidest plot you've ever heard. Oh, and so, okay, I'm going to spoil something in it here, right? You, the protagonist, think you might be the one murdering people

because every time the murderer attacks, you black out. And then you un-black out. And then at the end of the game game why that happens is never resolved. We never fight. You're not the murderer but for some reason you blacked out during the murders and for no reason just because that would be cool.

Yeah. Just to create intrigue. Every decision is made from a what would be interesting at this point perspective rather than what might a human being do in this situation or what would be coherent. It's just shit. It's just so bad.

Yeah, I love those sort of things where you go, oh yeah, we never found out why he blacked out constantly because that would be quite a big question. I mean, if he has no history of blacking out suddenly. It's a major question. Apparently there was going to be a reason, but they just didn't put it in the game in the end. Well, maybe you shouldn't have made the game at all.

Yeah. Would be my suggestion to you. It's the worst. And not just all of that. I don't mind a trashy pulp story. It's that and it's pretentious. It's the pretensions. This is serious grown-up game making.

This is the Citizen Kane of games. Like, it's not. It's the pretensions to, this is serious grown-up game making. This is the Citizen Kane of games. Like, it's not. It's the room of games. Presumably, this means that you've been in conversations quite a lot where you've had to defend your position on this against a load of people who think completely the opposite. People just like it.

People enjoyed it. Yeah. Like, it looks good and it's kind of easy like it's got it's it's got it's it looks good and it's kind of easy to play so it leads you through it i mean it is it is enjoyed ironically by a lot of people it's spawned plenty of memes right um because it's sort of laughably terrible um the open the female character it starts with her in her apartment um getting slightly naked and taking a shower and then men attack her and it's sort of like a dangerous sexy fight where she might die but that daniel that was just a dream for no reason

uh in order to include making this in a fight at the start of the game and that isn't going to come back in any way she's such a nightmare now she's uh she's back to back to her work that wasn't that's not going anywhere that was just a thing we did. The whole game is like that. It's awful. Okay. Yeah. And so, I mean,

it's a horrible feeling when I always find when you hate something that other people love and you've got to try and defend your position against, you know,

about why it's so bad. Yeah. It's not me hating it that's the issue. It's other people enjoying it. I cannot accept that there are people out there who don't like it.

I want to meet them one by one and explain why they're wrong and so you know you're stuck there with the man who oversaw this whole game and he's gonna keep going well i think my bafters beg to differ they don't beg to differ but after they clearly don't know what they're talking about when it comes to games they were won over by pretty good graphics. And then you're going to have Terry going, well, as a creator, I think, you know, you don't really know what's gone into this game. Keep out of this, Terry. I'm going to end up hanging out with Oliver Cromwell, aren't I?

That's the worst thing about this island. Yeah, exactly. And then what have you got to do? I mean, Christ, he's probably going to gang up with the other two because, especially with Terry, I think, because, you know, he has a strong dislike of certain groups of people, I think. David Cage made Detroit Become Human, which I have not played, but in which he says the androids are not supposed to be

sort of symbolic of African-Americans in the civil rights movement as the robots in the story seek recognition as human beings. But anybody with an iota of intelligence can see that obviously that is the plot of the game. And maybe David Cage is not best placed to, with nuance, do a racism allegory in a game. I don't know. Like, look, I haven't played that one. I've played about 10 minutes of it. I hate it as well, but not as much as I hate Heavy Rain.

Well, then I think you're going to hate him in person. I mean, regardless of what he's actually like as a person, I think your hatred for his output is probably going to be enough. Or, I mean, he might be a nice person, but you're going to be so conflicted, you know, everything you feel about him. And you like video games, but you're never going to want to talk to him about them just in case he talks about his own work

and you're going to have to go, I fucking hate this. I have to say, I really hate. Yeah, it's very... Look, I've made games, I've worked on games. It's really hard to make video games. So I don't like to be critical of them in general. But I do hate heavy rain.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Well, on that basis, I'm not going to play it either. Not that there was a much chance of me doing that. But you've done a superb takedown of it. So yeah, I think you've got a good selection of characters on your island. So it's not looking good for you. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

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What are they and why are they so bad? Well, my worst food is melted cheese. Okay. And my worst drink is melted cheese. Okay. And my worst drink is strawberry-flavoured milkshake. Right, okay. So presumably the heat of the wreckage has melted the cheese. I don't even like being in the same room as melted cheese. The smell of it is revolting to me.

And how do you feel about regular cheese? Not as bad. Okay. Yeah, it's on the edge. Some cheeses I like, the closer they are to melting or being melty cheese, the less I like them. I am a vegan, which means I don't eat any cheese these days, but I'm harking back to when I did eat cheese and drink milkshakes and remembering how much I hated strawberry flavour and the revolting pong of melted cheese. Like cheese all melted on top of spaghetti bolognese,

revolting, the worst thing I can imagine. I think I used to have a bit of an aversion to cheese on toast when I was younger. And it definitely, yeah, something does happen to it that's different. I mean, now I'm pretty keen on it. I'm a big fan of it. Well, I think a lot of,

I think we're a bit more lactose intolerant as kids i think a lot of people a lot of kids don't like cheese and then as you grow up you get used to it and i was certainly one of those kids and like most most people globally are a bit lactose intolerant aren't they like it's a it's unusual most mammals don't eat dairy products into adulthood so i think we're we're unusual in that respect. I've got worse as I get older. Definitely I have to watch out as part of the fun process of aging. And I have to be all particular about my diet.

Like, God, why am I so bloated today? What's going on? Oh, it was that tiny bit of that thing I'm not supposed to have. Yeah. I find it difficult to get that angry with melted cheese, but the point is it's your island, and I just think if that's...

I chose it because I wanted to be provocative, Daniel. I know some people listening will be like, oh, I love melted cheese. And it's like, well, get to David Cage Island then and eat some because that's where it is. I just think, I mean, regardless of your position on it, it's not the best food to be stuck with on an island.

No. I mean, even if you're a big cheese fan, I mean, just melted cheese, sand. I agree. And it's all about the ratio as well. Like on a pizza, you've got the tomato, which balances out the melted cheese, and that can work. But just the cheese on its own, you would scald your hands just trying to scoop it out of a vat,

for one thing. You've got no crackers. Yeah. You've got no toast. And I think for you as someone who doesn't mind normal cheese so much, even if you kind of let it cool and solidify, it doesn't go back into normal cheese. It does not return to its former state.

It's just hard, melted cheese. Yeah. It's a weird, rubbery flap of cheese yeah yeah okay and the strawberry milkshake and so we're talking about the sort of artificial strawberry taste that's exactly what we're talking about yes daniel i enjoy strawberries who doesn't i like milkshakes strawberry milkshakes arealling. Strawberry flavor doesn't taste anything like strawberries. Someone had to say it. I can't believe, did he really say it?

Yes, I said it. Strawberry flavoring doesn't taste like strawberries. Again, I'm basing this on like 1996 because I haven't had a strawberry milkshake since then. Maybe they've improved in the interim. If they have, I don't want to know about it. There's definitely like a smell that's stronger than it should be with a strawberry milkshake.

Like something that's just milk and a strawberry flavour shouldn't have as much of a like a heady whiff as it does. Like I remember at school kids having it and like I'm not a big fan. It's the same with banana. Like a banana in a smoothie or a milkshake I'm very happy with. But banana flavour is just this whole weird thing, isn't it? And the colour, like a strawberry milkshake, is like cowpoll pink.

It's weirdly medicinal in its appearance. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's going to be a difficult one to enjoy. Someone just bought my son some of the... Like, you can get these straws for kids, and it's like they've got sort of chocolatey granules in them. So if you drink milk with them, it tastes chocolatey. And he bought them some strawberry ones as well.

I don't normally buy this kind of thing for my kids, so he's quite excited. But even at the strawberry, just getting a bit close to it, it was a real like it's still that kind of sort of pungency to it. It's just it's never been near a strawberry in real life. Yeah. But strawberry sweets, they also don't taste like strawberry, but I'm fine with those. I'm not. Well, you know, you do you, as they say, as the kids say.

But no, thank you. I would not have anything strawberry-flavoured. Okay. Interesting. All right. Well, a strawberry anything strawberry flavoured. Okay, interesting. All right, well, a strawberry flavoured milkshake and a big vat of melted cheese does sound like a crap meal. It does sound awful.

So enjoy. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, well, with song, I'm going to cheat a little bit here. My least favourite song is whichever song is stuck in my head, like a small sample of it is stuck in my head on a loop when i'm trying to sleep and i can't sleep for about two or three hours um so most recently it was a very good song uh five

years by david bowie you know that song yeah so for like for like two and a half hours i had just five years some lyrics i don't know five years over and over in my head i lyrics I don't know. Five years, over and over in my head. I cannot, I don't know how to, you're supposed to sing God Save the Queen or God Save the King in your head to get an earworm out. And then it goes away for a couple of minutes and then it comes back. So it's whichever song is keeping me awake,

which at the moment, sorry, boy, it's five years. Yeah, it's that just particular torture, isn't it? Even if it's a good song. I mean, my brain rarely lets me have a good song stuck in my head. It's always something I dislike. Although recently I was listening to Kate Bush's album, The Kick Inside, a lot, which I love. And I kept getting that stuck in my head to the point where it was driving me mad

a little bit and I think I don't know do you grind your teeth to the rhythm of it because that's what I do so I just crunch crunch along wearing down the old molars to the rhythm of whatever and it's never a whole song it's always just a little like a little snatch of the chorus yeah it's weird isn't it it doesn't let your brain like your brain is obviously capable of doing a whole song in your head but you won't easily guess won't let it happen it's like there are some people who can't see pictures in their head properly yes i think it's called aphantasia or aphantasia yeah and i wonder if there's people who can't hear as strongly in their head because when i hear something it's almost like a aphonia maybe maybe yeah aph yeah. A-phonia? I'm just guessing what word might be there. This is not based on any knowledge.

I was just guessing what it might be called. Hey, maybe we're the people who've just named it. We might have just invented a-phonia for people who can't hear things in their heads. What a dream that would be to not be able to hear music in your head. Because it's nice. Sometimes I feel like, you know,

I don't have my headphones and I can sort of make do. But other times when it's something I don't want, it's so strong. It's really just it's too much. Obviously, it seems like you suffer from insomnia and this happens quite a lot to you. Are there any other hits or is it just whatever you've heard that day? Well, sometimes it can be. I think Robbie Williams' Angels is a recurring problem for me. Oh, God.

Not a song I like, but for some reason that one has followed me throughout the years. Ah, a terrible, terrible song in its own right. So maybe I should swap that out because I do like Five Years and I don't particularly care for the work of Robert Williams. So if a substitution is allowed, I could go with Angels. Well, I was thinking because of the fact that it varies and you only ever get a sort of snippet at a time, maybe we could give you some kind of compilation

with just 30-second loops of, you know, let's say like your last six months of insomnia-based earworms. Yeah, a mixtape. That would be my worst song, a mixtape of earworms. Yeah. It's such an interesting thing where your brain is just sabotaging you and you're like, you're me, you're on my side, you need the rest. You need the rest.

Let's just fucking... We're both tired. Yeah. Come on. Maybe the problem is I'm talking about we. I don't know. Maybe i'm the cause of this but um yeah i think um anything that you've ever had as an earworm is quite difficult to ever go back from so yeah it's especially annoying if it's a good song um what would your film choice be well on the subject of insomnia my film may be a solution for insomnia because I found it infuriating and

incredibly dull. I don't know whether you will have seen the film. Based on how well David Cage went down, you having never heard of it, I'm not that confident. My least favourite film is Michael Haneke's 71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance. I have not seen that film. Just the title is bad. Did you hear the title though, Daniel? 71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance. Why not just wank directly at me? I don't understand. It's so annoying.

That's such an annoying title. I bet it sounds better in German or whatever language Michael Haneke has the arrogance of speaking as a first language. Right, so what's annoying here is that Haneke is probably, obviously, a brilliant filmmaker and a genius. He's a much lauded arthouse filmmaker. He's not like David Cage. I think he's actually supposed to be good. And I'm sure he is, but I hate it. So there's a scene in this film where a guy, a teenager plays ping pong against a half folded up ping pong table, if you want to play solo ping pong.

And it lasts about seven and a half minutes. And all that happens is that the guy plays ping pong. It's like seven and a half minutes of... For seven minutes, for seven minutes of my life! You arrogant man, Michael Haneke. How dare you make me watch that? I'm going to spoil the ending of it. It ends with that kid shooting up a post office

with, you know, like a mass shooting. It's like, good! At least something flipping happened. It's like, oh, I was ready to shoot up a place. It's so boring and annoying and arrogant and violent and cold and cruel and dull and uninteresting and inhumanly bland. And I'm sure he's a genius. And I'm sure it's good art. And I hate it so much.

But also, I feel guilty for hating it, like I'm the Philistine, for not getting why. Being incredibly obtuse distant and and cold is brilliant i don't get it i hate it it sounds like the more satisfying ending would be a go a load of people finish their duties in the post office and go around and shoot him whilst he's playing ping pong for so long I'm trying to get some sleep here. I haven't seen... So Hanukkah directed Funny Games, which is probably his most famous film, which I have not watched.

And I'm, you know, I can't judge the film. I've seen Caché, which is a film that begins with the premise that a French man is being unfaithful to his wife, which is just so implausible. I couldn't get on board. Caché is all hidden. I also didn't really like it. But it's better than 71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance.

I can't even... It's such a bad title. It's a terrible title. It's a terrible title. You know, obviously in some films, there can be a scene that doesn't have to all be like hyper-digestible for every kind of person. And sometimes you can have an artful shot where something stays on a scene for a bit longer than you would think normal.

But there is a point where I just think no one wants to see this for seven minutes. Yeah, I've enjoyed slow films, you know, I've enjoyed, you know, like Bergman and Roy Anderson's films are quite slow. I've, you know, it's not that I think, it's not I want to watch the Fast and the Furious, you know. It's not that I put a car chase in it, please, Michael. It's just completely vacant. I can't see what it's about.

But also I suspect that it is about something that I can't connect with and that's why I feel resentful towards it. But then I just think, you know, good film shouldn't necessarily be impossible to work out. You know, like lots of those kind of films you kind of think, oh, well, maybe I'm the problem. And it's like, well, not necessarily. I mean, you can have a great work of art that everyone can enjoy

without it, like, well, not necessarily. I mean, you can have a great work of art that everyone can enjoy without it, like lowering the standards, you know, can still be interesting and and odd films to know that there are some that I like and some that I don't like. And I no longer feel compelled to pretend to like or enjoy or understand capital G great films that I don't like. Yeah. And Michael Haneke falls in that category. So cancel me.

Come on, internet. But isn't that one of the nice things about getting a hold of it is just going, I'm fine with not liking this one. You know what? I quite like stories. I quite like a film to have a story, actually. Sorry. Pardon me for liking plots.

When you see something that everyone else likes or has been very lauded in the press or whatever, and when you don't like it it's such a it does feel like a personal failing and you kind of go you start off and you're kind of excited and you go oh okay this is difficult but i'll not sort of admit that loudly to myself yet i'll just stick with it it really exercises people i think yeah like we're recording this just after the oscars and the people who didn't like Everything Everywhere All at Once are not happy about the people who did like it. And I've determined that the people who do like that film are awful people.

Because it's like me with The Matrix, which I feel like, meh, about. But because it was so popular with my generation, I feel compelled to say, no, actually, it's not very good. Even though, actually, I think it's fine. And I'm delighted by how much people like Everything Everywhere All at Once. It's really moving to some people. I have to say it wasn't particularly to me. I found it enjoyable and funny, but it wasn't a life-changingly important, impactful film.

I don't think it's spectacular. But the fact that the people I don't think it's spectacular, but the fact that the people who don't like it have decided to go on internet rampages and write articles about how awful you have to be as a human being

to enjoy everything everywhere or at once irritates me because I think it's, there's probably an element of like, oh, it's not very relatable. Do you mean that it's about Chinese people? And also an element of, oh, it's not very profound. Do you mean that it's about Chinese people? And also an element of, oh, it's not very profound.

Do you mean that it has jokes in it and a comedy film can't be serious? You know, a comedy film can't be taken seriously. That irritates me a lot. Also, I actually just don't like it that much though. So is the, once again, the last living centrist, APK, neither likes the film nor dislikes the film a great deal. Fair enough.

Yeah, I mean, I really liked it. And I was really happy to see it do so well just because pretty much every year, the things that do really well are films that I just think, I'm not that fussed about watching that. It looks really nice. Well, absolutely. It's not like a bland film has never won Best Picture at the Osccars come on yeah but just so many times it's like it looks like it's going to

be slow and heartbreaking and difficult and i just i'm just don't like those kind of films a lot of the time i'm just i they don't draw me in they don't sort of make me think oh god i can't wait to see that guy rekindle his difficult relationship with his son over many years. I absolutely hate when characters come of age and I hate father-son relationships in films. Can we just have 10 years with none of that, please? And then we can go back to doing them again. I hate them. But I don't know, this film is like funny and silly and a bit weird

and it had some action. And I just thought, I'm so glad that this is done well and it's not like, oh, the serious one where a man has a conversation for a long time. And, you know, Michelle Yeoh is brilliant. And it's nice to see her. And I can't remember the name of the guy in it, which is annoying. Because he's had such an inspiring revival. It would be the least you'd think I could do

would be to know his name, but I don't. But now I'm going to refer to him from now on as the guy from Everything Everywhere All at Once rather than the kid from Indiana Jones. So that is the highest compliment I'm capable of paying. Yeah, I think if you just called him Short Round the whole time, that would be worse. I didn't even know the name of the kid from...

I did love that kid data i that was my favorite character when i was a kid yeah in the goonie yeah yeah in the goonies i mean and also data from star trek i only like the characters called data fair enough okay right well we have your entertainment sorted sorry film buffs your boy michael hannock is going down, and it sounds like deservedly so. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I'm going to go with small dogs.

Good, yes. Not your reasonable kind of small dogs. I'm not talking about your Jack Russells. I'm not talking about the ones that look like they could get down a rabbit hole and do some damage. I mean the ones that we've selectively bred to be on the very brink of life with bulging eyes and wheezing and tongues that lull. Because nine out of 10 small dogs are just evil, just personality-wise, have just been bred to be little monsters. And then one in 10 has a sense of its own wretchedness and just looks at you with its bulging eyes in a sort of,

away am I like this, kind of a way. It's like they're asking us to kill them. I'm not in favour of eugenics, but I'm just saying we need to... If we've selectively bred them into this cul-de-sac, it's time to do what they need and they want, which is for them... We need to crossbreed the tiny dogs with the biggest dogs we can find to just try and get an average dog out of it.

So like an Irish wolfhound and a Shih Tzu, let's make it happen. Yeah, yeah. I agree. But I guess the Irish wolfhound, for ethical reasons, should be the mother though, I think, because otherwise it's just not fair on those tiny dogs

who've already been through so much. Oh, no, yes. You'd be in a grotesque TARDIS-like situation. Yeah, that's a good point. I haven't thought through the practicality of it. That's okay. We're all working this out together. Also, Irish War fans have a very short lifespan

because they're too big. So they're a bit too big. It's like the way tall men live less long. I saw that Crufts was on the other night and I have no interest in dogs, but I sometimes... How do you feel about the winners? Very strong opinions, just like the Oscars? Well, I just think sometimes it's fun to watch it a bit and just see like how what happens over

thousands of years when men get bored yeah have you seen pictures of dogs from like the um the edwardian times even like when you see pictures of dog breeds for the from the edwardian times they look different there are photographs of like this is the archetypal version of this breed and they've got like snouts and things that they no longer have because we've bred the snout out of them in about 100 years it's so bizarre they needed the snout it was for sniffing it must be weird if you're a breeder and you really want a particularly messed up dog but you know that you can't do it in your lifetime you're like oh but it'll be it'll be so tall yet so short but like so narrow and yeah just really narrow exactly i want it like flamingo legs and a body the width of a pencil

yeah just like really tall but no length to the body so it's just just like a pillar that's what i want why have we done it to them it's like it's they're suffering for our crimes and now they're overrunning this island and then you have to carry them because they can like it's they're suffering for our crimes and now they're overrunning this island and then you have to carry them because they can't walk because they're so tired and like yeah it's out of sympathy for the dogs that i'm saying cull cull that i i i i said it on stage during a work in progress show i said that we should call all small dogs and there was a complaint so as a as a vegan i want to make it clear that my calls to murder animals are intended satirically. Yeah.

So we're not going to kill the ones that are there. We're just going to stop more being made. Stop making new ones. And the current crop can die slowly. Well, die out gradually. Or quickly in some cases. Yeah, I don't want to kill them slowly. Just crossbreed our way out of this hole.

Come on, we can do it. Yeah, just give them a shot at life. You've seen the way they look at big dogs. You know they want to have sex with them. So let's help them build some kind of stepladder. Yeah. Sometimes they'll be in the park and one will start barking at me when I'm with my kids.

And it's like, I don't know what to say to you. You're the least intimidating thing I've ever seen. You look like some weird know, some weird, like Jim Henson creation from Labyrinth. And I have a lot of issues with your owner. So please kindly step aside. Let my child walk past. You're right.

They do. If they talked, they would all talk. With that kind of Brian Henson hoggle kind of voice. Like I'm a little dog. You know, they'd be so annoying. I hate them. Fair enough. And we're going to have an island overrun with them for you.

So we'll give you all the different breeds of the pugs and the bulldogs and all the different things. They're going to get into the milkshake. It's going to be horrible. Yeah, it'll be horrendous. Okay, well, look, Alistair, I think you've done a superb job of getting a really horrendous island together for you to live on. Thank you very much.

And I can tell with your analytical kind of mind, it's going to be a particular hell for you staying on the island. But let's distract everyone from the hellscape. And tell us what you're up to at the minute because you've got a tour kicking off. I do. I'm doing a little UK tour, mostly in England, a little bit in Scotland, a bit in Northern Ireland. Nothing in Wales as a deliberate snub against the people of Wales.

I refused to go. That isn't true. But it just turned out that way. And there's about 25 dates. Some of them are sold out. We've added a few extras, Manchester, Brighton, Birmingham, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Belfast, Derry, and a whole load of places in the Southeast of England, which is in my view, very much the small dogs of England but I do live there so it's really easy

for me to get to gigs Bath there's one yeah the tour is called the Interdimensional ABK and it's the opposite of this

the premise is that I the Interdimensional ABK come from a parallel universe which is slightly better than this world and so it's observational comedy

from that point of view and it's a lot of fun I've done one date of the tour so far and it was sold out and it went really well so let's hope I can maintain that for the rest of the run

Cool so people can find all the dates obviously online on your website and on Twitter and stuff like that Yes and obviously on your website

it's got loads of other good stuff as well, like animations you've done. Yes, you can find me on YouTube. You can see animations. If you like whodunnits for kids, I wrote a book called Montgomery Bon Bon Murder at the Museum, which came out last month.

Yeah. And it's a murder mystery for, I think, 8 to 12-year-olds. But you can read it if you're older. And if you're younger and just really bloodthirsty. Plus, it's a kid's kids book so there's no VAT The good news for fans is there's plenty of content of yours out there

Ample content, yes, and I apologise if you're a Michael Haneke fan You might come to my show and be really bored and feel... I don't know that they're listening to this podcast to be honest You're not aiming for the hannukah crowd okay yeah i think that venn diagram is a very small sliver in the middle so but we'll see get in touch anyone if you are that person um but yeah thank you so much alistair for joining us today it's been a real pleasure mate

thank you for having me