Desert Island Dicks - ALI BRICE

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Holy fuck! It's Ali Brice and he's here to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. to you by the fda hi babes it's dan from desert island dicks and

this episode features the very funny ali bryce it was really fun talking to him um his choices were great he argued them brilliantly as well so uh that made for a good episode in my opinion hope you enjoy it as well um thanks to everyone who's downloaded this as always means a lot that you're listening and we appreciate you uh we may be a podcast where we use our time to lampoon and ridicule lots of things that we we dislike but you know underneath it all we try to be good people and uh we're grateful i don't know what i'm talking about i was trying to record this quickly because i've got to run and pick up my son from nursery. But now I'm just rambling.

So look, let's just get into it. Remember to subscribe so you never miss an episode. We've got loads more coming your way. And also, if you could give us a rating and a review, that would make me a very happy man. And I think that's it. So look, here is desert island dicks with ali bryce

hi i'm dan benedictus and welcome to Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ali Bryce. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm very well, thanks. Nice to be here. Yeah, nice to have you on. And, you know, as we're recording, it's a lovely, pleasant spring morning in May. Finally. I mean, it feels like quite a pleasant day,

but are you in the mood to still do a bit of ranting about people and things you hate? Always. Always. Good. Hate's just another form of energy, isn't it? If you feel tired, you know can you can hate and kind of it's like put a pep in your step can't it it's like a tonic i think that's a nice way of looking at it it's sort of like a positive look at hate yeah maybe it's time we gave hate a second chance exactly yeah feeling down hate something yeah reappraise it yeah I remember once years ago um when I was in my 20s and I'd

had quite a big night and I was stumbling home after a big night and my head was all over the place and I was thinking I was kind of feeling like I was going a bit mad and it wasn't till I turned on the telly and there was a band on that annoyed me so much it just snapped me out of it and I suddenly felt completely fine. Who was the band? Can you remember? I can't remember. It was that era of things like Busted and McFly. I remember coming into my house at whatever time in the morning,

and it was on Channel 4, and it was a very clearly manufactured band in the mould of Busted, but they were all too old to be in that band. Someone from the record company obviously went, well, we've got those guys, what can we do with them? And it was just the worst thing I'd ever seen. And I've tried to sort of figure out who it was since, and I feel like it only existed in that moment,

but it really snapped me out of it. So it was a very, very useful thing. Well, let's get started then. Let's bring on the bile. And, you know, your plane has crashed. You're on an island. Who's the first dick sharing it with you? It might seem like an odd choice, but Bear Grylls.

I think a lot of people would be like, I'm on a desert island. Who would I like to be there? And they'd say Bear Grylls because that's his thing, isn't it? And he knows how to help you live on a desert island but uh while he might be quite useful initially i think i would quite like to figure stuff out myself you know i was a i've done cubs i did scouts i mean i quit because i hated that it's a different story But I reckon I can still put a fire together and I enjoy, you know, I rub sticks together and enjoy making the smoke.

And I don't want Bear Grylls hanging over my shoulder going, actually, you should do it. You should do it like this. I'd be like, fuck off. Fuck off, Bear. I've got this. I want to do this myself.

I know how to survive on this desert island. And then also he'd probably be like oh come over here look what i found i found this like he squeezed an elephant shit once didn't he or bear shit to get the water out of it and i'm like no no thanks bear i'm gonna go and find my own my own uh source of water which i think i could do i could do you know the uh this desert island the planes crashed uh there's always like a crisp packet in a wood isn't there and inside that crisp packet there's always some water so you know i know what i'm doing and i think bear girls is just he's just annoying isn't he yeah dick he is a dick i think um so because obviously he's i think he's now head of

the scouts isn't he he's like their figurehead so i can imagine him sort of taking over going uh no ali let me let me show you a little trick to light that fire and then as he's doing it and you're sort of getting annoyed that he's muscled in he'll be like so uh why did you leave the scouts sort of implying that had you not left you would have been better by now you know it's like a like a it's just a bit of a busy body isn't he i think yeah i read this thing with him recently it was something like gq or some men's magazine where they do that thing where they go um oh like ali bryce 10 things i can't live without you know and you're supposed to say so like oh this jacket i got from blah blah i love it and you know or like this moisturizer or

you know my phone or something and like bear grills just couldn't step away from his persona like one of the things was like dried maggots because he's like oh you know like maggots they saved my life on loads of occasions and it's like yeah look we get that we know you eat mad shit but like for the purposes of this should we just step away and pretend you're a normal fucking person yeah a minute yeah exactly like you have to keep going like we know you've done that we know you eat mad stuff but come on yeah we get it we get the brand there we we understand what you do we understand how you've made your money we just want to know who you are as a person like you can't you can't turn it off can you yeah i mean it's different if it's like a famous chef saying oh i can't live without these amazing japanese kitchen knives

okay that's fine but with him it's like just say you're walking boots or something yeah it's like he's getting up in the morning and having a bowl of maggots you know that that's what you don't live in the woods but you live a normal life in a lovely house, probably. You have nice food in the microwave while you're eating nuggets. Yeah. It's the kind of thing he's going to make his kids do as well. Oh, the future is insects.

You know, we need to teach you how to survive. And I'm like, Dad, I just want to have some Cocoa Pops or some Pop-Tarts. He's like, no, you wouldn't find them on a desert island you've got to kill your own food and eat these insects yeah yeah i also imagine with him that you know he'll be big on sort of saying oh look come on uh morale is so important we've got to get your morale up come on ali you're a comedian tell us some jokes and uh yeah you know or like his version of raising the morale will be very different to mine you know yeah and i i wouldn't have a leg to

stand on because i'd be like i don't come to you and to ask you how to do your job and he'd be like well actually this is the perfect situation here's how to here's how to dig a well yeah or whatever yeah yeah i just think he'd be really really insufferable i think you're right i think you're right and um as ever you know a lot of this podcast hinges on the interplay between the various characters so let's see who's going to be joining the two of you who's who's the second uh guest on the island well i picked shiv from succession okay and i i really could have picked any of the uh siblings from succession but i picked shiv because she's the one that i hate the most at the moment okay um just because she's well they're all conniving but there is something

and this this is um probably not very nice thing to say but i hate her the most because i don't like her eyes that's i think she's got incredibly evil eyes and that that's why i wouldn't want to be that that's the thing that i hate about her the most there's something about her i wouldn't want to look but she's conniving she you know she tread on you to look after herself and she she wouldn't think about you but two-faced and all that stuff i couldn't i couldn't handle being on a desert island i don't think about you but Two-Faced and all that stuff I couldn't handle being on a desert island I don't know if you watch Succession

so if you know what I'm talking about I was just thinking like can I get away with this bit without admitting that I haven't watched Succession or is it going to come back and bite me later on I haven't seen it so I'm one of those people I do intend to watch it but I haven't yet but I mean I get the vibe, like, you know,

very sort of Machiavellian, backstabby kind of high-level, rich corporate people, basically. Yeah. But they're just all out for themselves, basically. But there is something about Shiv that I cannot stand. I mean, they're shit characters in terms of shitty people. They're brilliant characters. But you just couldn't trust her.

She'd be out to get you at every turn. And I don't know what Bear Grylls would be like with that. I mean, he's probably evil on some level, isn't he? It's difficult to know, isn't it? I mean, it's like at some point, where does the survival of your team go to survival of the fittest at some point is he going to make a call where actually for me to survive is the utmost important thing you know like if people are going to die i want to be the last person to die

so i think at some point in any survival situation probably people start getting quite selfish you know yeah well shiv's already there. Yeah. She's probably the one that crashed the plane. So there was probably something in it for her. So she crashed the shore. Bell Grylls was there. I'll use him for a bit. I can survive there.

But ultimately I'm out for myself and I'm going to fuck everyone over. Basically, she just used her evil eyes to get everyone to do her pity, but she's an absolute cunt they all are uh i don't like them uh and i reckon they'd team up because she would be able to power play over bear grills uh turning against me yeah they'll be stealing stealing my hair to use as like kindling for the fire or something like that you know yeah yeah i just think that a chance that sort of big energy on the island is not what you want you don't want anyone sort of trying to be

number one you want a nice balance cooperation working together yeah it's also i do not understand the uh drive to be like number one you know i'm quite happy just to chill out have a nice life i'll go and make like a hammock in the trees and i'll lie down and i'll have enough to where she would be like i need to i've got the monopoly on coconuts i've got the monopoly on all this they're like starting to turn it into an industry she's employing bear grills and i have to you know i don't have access to the the thing the very basic things i need she's built a trench that's siphoned off all the fresh water into a different trough and she's like what what service what are you providing me that means you can have you know what bar if they're

establishing a barter system and i'm like i don't want any of this when there's an island hey i don't want you here anyway why have you suddenly turned this into a corporate nightmare i just you know let's all share these coconuts or whatever yeah i just think as well like living on the island with anyone who'd been used to that level of luxury would be yeah just because it's going to be more of a step down they're going to be more whiny they're going to be used to having other people doing stuff and i think when you've been looked after all your life it's very easy to just instantly ask anyone to do stuff for you yeah and i feel like bear grills would immediately be subservient and i find that her evil eyes and him being uh subservient and probably doing what she says i would just be

disgusting to watch yeah because i think though like it's weird because on the one hand like bear grills would be sort of wanting everyone to get along but i just feel like there's a lot of kind of i bet he's done a lot of leadership courses you know and yeah although that he could end up being subservient to her like i mean, they might end up butting heads a little bit. I don't know. I don't know if that will be good or bad for you. You might have to pick a side, which will be... Well, I guess she would have...

She's got what? She's the CEO of a massive... Potentially the CEO of a massive company, so power-hungry, I believe she's right. But his management kind of course would be from like trying to unite everyone and like from a wholesome place and like we're all in this together. So, yeah, I guess there would be butting heads. And in that case, you'd probably want to side with Shiv, maybe.

I don't know. If your name is also a word for… Getting shanked in prison yeah exactly i mean that's pretty out there isn't it yeah nominative determinism like i will stab you in the back i'm literally called shiv like what did you expect and he's a bear yeah you're with a shiv and a bear a weapon and a grizzly animal. All right, then. Well, who would be the third person joining you?

The Jolly Green Giant. Interesting. What a current reference. Okay. What brings him onto the island? Well, A is too big, so he requires loads and loads of food, so he'd gobble up everything. And I think obviously he likes sweet corn. And I don't know if there's going to be any sweet corn on this island,

but I assume he can derive sustenance from other foodstuffs. So A, he's going to be all annoyed. He's like, where's the sweet corn has anyone got any sweet corn and i'll be like mate we didn't choose to crash on this island it's not my fault there isn't any sweet corn yesterday i told you there wasn't any sweet corn and any sweet corn that you have found you've probably eaten i don't know if they serve sweet corn on um aeroplanes i don't think that's outside the realm of possibility. So let's just say there's a couple of like,

he's managed to salvage some sweet corn. I was like, mate, there were five tins of sweet corn. You ate them yesterday. Where are we getting more sweet corn from? Stop banging on about sweet corn. Then he goes, all right, well, I'll have some papaya or mangoes. Or, you know know i imagine if there are wild boars or cows or living things it's not going to be difficult for him to catch them

because he's up he's taller than everyone else isn't he he's like a giant so you can just pick pick them up like you'd be like picking skittles out of a bag of skittles so he's eating all the coconuts he's eating all the boars he's eating all the boars he's eating all the cows he's eating everything you know we're like leave some for the rest of us and how big is this island where does he sleep he's just massive he's just it he's just and he's green the only good thing the only good thing is that he might be able to attract attention of any passing ships or passing planes or whatever but i just think his incessant chat about sweet corn and the volume of food that he eats would be you know infuriating and that's not to mention how bigger his shit you know where where is he

doing a piss yeah like it's everything about it is just i just don't want him there it's just impractical yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't want him there he could provide a shelter but he doesn't you know yeah he's jolly but he's quite annoying as well yeah yeah yeah he's a weird character isn't he because it's it's like, what is he? Is he some kind of sort of god figure? He's sort of like a Mother Nature figure. It's like the valley of the jolly green giant, growing all that sweet corn. It's like a very specific sort of deity

whom you must appease with a very specific vegetable. We must harvest the corn to appease the green giant. It's such a strange, strange thing, isn't it? Yeah, why? And also, does he actually say anything beyond ho, ho, ho, green giant? And he just says his own name over and over again. Yeah. Ho, ho, ho.

Guys, I've found some tins of food. Don't show the ho ho ho oh no green yeah yeah because i just think at some point there was a marketing meeting and they were like okay we want something like mother nature but we can't do we say mother nature's corn we can't really trademark mother nature so let's have something a bit like that but it was the green man in sort of pagan belief so can we have him yeah well we don't want to annoy the pagans you know so uh he's a giant yes what's his deal well we make sort of you know tinned corn essentially so seems quite a grand figure to to liaise over this this humble vegetable we've got to make this vegetable exciting somehow.

What's exciting? Giants and the colour green. It's like towards the end of the week in the marketing team. They went round the room. You say we're green, you say we're giant. Yeah, green giant, done. Let's do it. I don't know, aren't giants a bit scary?

Don't they eat children and people? Jack and the Beanstalk. Ah, but this is a benevolent giant. Yeah, this is a benevolent giant that eats sweet corn. What, just chomping it on the cob? Like, no, no, no, no, no. The sweetest kernels packaged in some kind of juice that is nonspecific.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good one. And yeah, just trampling about, you know, he wouldn't mean to get in the way, but every now and then he'd sit down and crush a shelter. He'd just be in the way. Yeah. The whole time.

Bear Grylls sucking up to him because Bear loves nature and he's the embodiment of a certain kind of nature. Yeah. Well, I like this island you've got going on. I mean, you know, in the fact that it does look like it's going to be a bit of a difficult fit for you, but I think you've got some nice characters in there already. And, yeah, we're going to move on now

because, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Jacket potatoes. Interesting. And tea.

Okay, right. So these are, I'd say, quite controversial choices. Staples of British cuisine, really, aren't they? They are. And you know what? I recently had Ignacio Lopez on the podcast. Right. And he similarly hates jacket potatoes.

Okay. But until then, I hadn't really ever heard anything about them. So I'm curious to hear your workings out on this one. Well, I think jacket potatoes, it's lazy cooking. It's lazy. People seem to have this like fond attachment to them like they represent like childhood or like coming together and families and they're like joy and they're like kind of i think both both things uh tea and jacket potatoes i'm not i mean obviously tea is

quintessentially english i think jacket potatoes are in that realm and people have like specific ways. They're like, oh, do you wrap them in foil? Do you put them in the oven? Do you like scoop the, oh, what you've got to do is, what you've got to do with a jacket potato is you've got to, once it's cooked, you've got to scrape it all out, mash it up, put it back in again. And you're like, okay, why?

And also it's nothing, it's not really the potato. It's not doing any of the hard work, the potato. It's just sitting there in an oven and getting hot and the crispy skin. And then it's whatever you put on top of it that makes the jacket potato the experience. And what is that makes the jacket potato the experience and what is that you because the potato doesn't taste of anything so you need salt you need pepper you need flavor and then it's like beans and cheese and tuna and mayonnaise and like anything you want to put on there that disguises the fact that you're eating a potato and it's also just it's hard work it's boring uh it makes me hot it makes me sweaty

i'm never ever having a good time after i've eaten a jack of potato and also maybe it goes back to the fact that when i lived in the house share i would often spend i like i enjoy cooking i'd spend hours making uh you know chicken and chips so or I'd make my own pasta from scratch, or I'd bake sourdough bread. I'd make huge roast dinners for my flatmates. And then once, twice a month, one of my housemates would go, should we have jacket potatoes tonight?

I was like, fine. And then at the end of it, he'd finish and go, oh, that's the best thing i've eaten all month and i'd be like are you fucking kidding me i spent three hours making dinner like on monday and you've just put four things in an oven for an hour heated up some beans and that's the best thing you've eaten all month you need to go fuck yourself they're just they're just built up and held on this pedest fuck yourself they're just they're just built up and held on this pedestal and they're just they weigh you down they make you tired it's just rubbish

they almost killed brian harvey famously what exactly exactly yeah famously he ran over himself after a jack potato got caught under his brake pedal. Is that what happened? He ate three tuna and cheese jacket potatoes and then got out of his car to be sick and then ran himself over. Fantastic. I mean, you've got to love the jacket potato for giving us that piece of British folklore. I'll give it that.

But I mean, I agree. You know what? They're one of those things where you know obviously I have had them I have enjoyed them but I don't fetishize them in the way that some people do and I think no you know like I think British cuisine there is a lot of good stuff we're kind of perhaps unfairly maligned in a lot of the world but then there's a few things where you kind of think oh I know what's happened you've come over here and you've seen everyone getting excited about a baked potato yeah and and now you think we're fucking idiots well and that's the other thing

it's a baked potato isn't it but you call it a jacket potato because it like it adds the word jacket in there and it elevates it it puts it up a couple of notches when all you've done is baked a potato like just listen to that oh what have you done there what's what what's what's take me through the process yeah i've baked a potato oh and what what how do you do that i just um well i just i just put it in an oven oh right cool and is that it yeah yeah that's it can you imagine taking that back to like if you lined up all the things that oh yeah i've made coq au vin and i've made this fresh fresh pasta and i'd bake this brick oh no i just put a potato in a hot box and it's bullshit and it takes a long time to get

that result i mean yeah it's probably the plainest way to have a potato, and it takes the longest. You know, at that time you can make exceptional roast potatoes, which are arguably top tier. That's the best. Yeah, top tier is roast and then mash. I love mashed potato. I think it's brilliant.

You know, it's fun, isn't it? You get to get some anger out. I love mashed potato. I think it's brilliant. You know, it's fun, isn't it? You get to get some anger out. Dauphinoise is a bit too involved. I think it's unfair to put that. I think that's something I want people to make for me. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it is a very good treat when you get it. Yeah.

Hash browns. Hasselback. Now, this is an interesting one. I don't mind the Hassselback potato yeah but that is very similar to a baked potato um in a way but it's doing more work i think isn't it yeah i'm glad i'm glad you agree it's a bit more exciting you've got crispy sections you know it's sort of it's it's a bit more fancy i think so yeah yeah. Yeah. And, of course, crisps. You can't go wrong with crisps.

Yeah. But baked potatoes are just, no. Yeah, I know what you mean. It's just a plain thing to eat a lot of for a long time on the island, you know. And, like, Bear Grylls is going to be fucking it over the moon because he's like, oh, yeah, look, put them in the fire and da-da-da-da-da. Well, yeah, he'd be, like, yeah, look, put them in the fire and da-da-da-da-da. Well, yeah, he'd be digging holes and putting, you know, oh, the best way to do it is to bury them. And I'd be like, is it really?

What are we wrapping them in? We don't have any foil. You wrap them in banana leaves. And what are we flavouring with them? What are we putting on the baked potatoes on the island? There's your sweet corn. Fuck off, you green giant. There isn't any sweet corn.

Sweet corn. Yeah. Well, I think you've argued the case beautifully there against the jacket potato. So, yeah, nice one. And what would your drink choice be? Oh, no, you've said it's tea, isn't it? Yeah, of course.

Tea. Now, I struggle with this. I mean, I'm a big tea fan. See, I'm not, obviously. I do not understand tea at all. I mean, I have tried it, and I don't get it. And obviously, I'm in the minority. You know, I work in an office.

People are drinking tea all the time. My girlfriend drinks, you know, tea all day long, and she flips over to decaf tea in the evening because she needs tea. I do drink coffee, but I've only, I'm 36, I've probably been drinking coffee for about four years. And I'm into coffee. I get it. It serves a purpose.

It's like it wakes me up. It does taste nice. But tea, what does it taste of? I mean, you're going to say it tastes of tea, but if you had to describe that flavor to someone, I mean, it's a bit like perfume, and it's a bit like perfume and it's a bit like biscuits and it's a bit like like leaves and it's a bit like nothing like floral kind of like like if if you'd shown a bunch of flowers to a glass of water and then heated it up it's like that kind of got that floral kind of oh yeah it's got a vague kind of taste and then you put milk in it and you know

it's it's nothing it's not refreshing to me if i have a cup of tea and and this is generally with all hot drinks even though i do like coffee if you have a hot drink it just makes me thirsty so I need to have a glass of water on the side it doesn't it doesn't wake me up it's like it's dusty tea bags dusty also I think people that make cups of tea and I don't know if you're the same you're going to have more than one cup of tea a day why not use the same cup People that make cups of tea get a new mug every time they make a new cup of tea. Oh, I think that's decadent. Well, this is what my girlfriend does. So by the end of the day, there's like maybe six mugs by the sink,

and he was washing them up. This is becoming less about tea on the island and more about my personal situation but i imagine she's the same if she's drinking cups of tea she's not washing those mugs up no she's leaving them up by the fire bear grills is probably making some weird tea himself he's probably got some he said this extends to obviously normal tea but it extends to herbal teas peppermint teas chamomile tea whatever tea you want it's all around and he's making his own tea bags and then they'll jolly green giants they with making tea probably with the sweet corn water out of bloody sweet corn tea it's just not a good drink it's an absolute con and also pg tips yorkshire tea taifu whatever the

brands are it all tastes the same it all tastes the same and it's all rubbish wow i mean you know what it's weird because often on this podcast i have to i have to join in with things that i i don't normally dislike myself but i sort of to find the bad in them and I'm sort of like and yeah you know it is a bit shit like you know I'm fairly indifferent to baked potatoes but I can I can understand your point I'm for summary I'm really struggling with tea and I know if it's because this morning I'm a bit sleepy I had a couple of teas and I'm kind of thinking I wish I made another cup before we started recording so I'm struggling a little bit but I would say i mean

one thing is interesting like because this this country we like it's such a again it's a weird national identity thing and i i sort of feel like you know when you hear like oh you brits and your fucking tea and i'm like oh yeah it's a bit of a shit thing to be known for isn't it's like it's a bit of a a crap sort of like this is on our sort of heraldic crest on our blazer. We have a cup of tea, you know, like something nice and calm. And it is a bit shit. So I get that. Do you find it difficult because having it in such high regard by the British public and you being a naysayer, it must be quite difficult because I hate it when you're the only person who hates something that everyone else seems to love yeah it's kind of a double whammy for me because i don't like um football and i

don't drink tea and that's two of like the opening gambits for when you meet someone yeah they go oh oh would you like a cup of tea go i'm sorry i am i sorry, I don't drink tea. Oh, you don't drink tea? No, sorry. And I'm like, okay, well, who do you support? No, I don't follow football. You don't drink tea

and you don't follow football? We've got nothing in common or we have nothing to say to each other. Oh, okay. Yeah, fine. You're lucky it's not wartime or I would mistake you for a spy coming over here with that attitude.

Yeah, exactly. It is a bit weird. You do feel like, and it's not a big thing. People don't really get angry. They just get surprised. You know, you don't drink tea. No. Oh, right. And you don't get to um you know you don't drink tea no oh right and you don't get to um you know

and then people have their own like oh i've just uh doesn't want to drink you're like you're out the loop then you're out that you're out the loop uh and you kind of joke people go and make tea for each other and then there's you know and i and in a work situation it's people smoke they get to go and have smoke breaks they get to go and have tea breaks and you just kind of sit there going well yeah i'll pick up the slack then you know because it all adds up over the course of a week or a year you know no i get it yeah i mean i'm i'm the same with football like i just have no interest in it at all and yeah it's not it's annoying when i don't mind if lots of people are into one thing but when it's as exclusionary as as you know things like tea and football can be um and it's weird that a whole drink can unite people as much as a whole game that everyone's

following isn't it but yeah yeah well again very well argued and uh yeah yeah tea and a baked potato i would say as well like i mean there will be people listening to this podcast who are like yes finally i fucking hate tea too so i'm sure you're you know you're really uniting some people out there as well you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Okay, now fortunately you won't be without

entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um the the film is wrong turn so this yeah this is a horror film a horror film now i i don't really watch many films but but the other day I was on Amazon Prime and I was like, oh, I fancy a horror film. And I watched Rum Turn. And it is one of the worst films that I've seen. I think one of the main reasons

I wouldn't want to watch it on the island beyond it being a bad film is that it's too short. I think if I was on an island island i'd want to watch a really really long film to distract me from the fact i'm on the island i don't want it to be like an 80 minute shit horror film because i'll go oh well that's like that's 80 minutes you know that's too short and it was shit so it's just gonna make me angry and there's nothing to do so i'm going to watch it again and i could watch it loads and loads of times and get angry and angrier each time whereas at least if i had a long film it might uh make me

a bit tired or a bit sleepy and i'd be like oh i need a rest now but this is just going to be a loop of getting angry and energized every time i watched it. But beyond that, it's just absolute dog shit. So it's not like it's an unpleasant watch. I mean, I guess it is a bit unpleasant because it's a horror film, but it's just like not a good. It wasn't scary. I mean, it had moments of, the storyline is, it opens with, I think, it's American.

So whatever the equivalent of like a city boy city boy a student like a polo shirt deck shoes kind of stuff he's dry i think he's just passed his exams or something like that and he's driving to go and have a holiday somewhere anyway he takes wait for it a wrong turn uh when he finds himself in like a stereotypical shanty petrol station you know with a man like a rocking chair and dungarees and he goes which way to this which way to this place and the guy's like oh no you don't want to go down there and then he looks at the map and goes what about this little path here that's been crossed off the map what's what's this and he's like no no no no that you can't go

down he's like i'll go down there he goes down there and then he bumps into like a four by four that has people on spring break and there's like a an attractive woman and a nerdy woman and like a nerdy man and blah blah blah it's all like the stereotypical characters and they don't have anything they don't say anything um that doesn't it's all to do with the plot there's no like one one of them goes off to smoke a joint for no reason and dies and then there's a love interest it's just not it's not fun to watch it just goes through the motions and then their characters there's like weird like country bumpkin yokel kind of redneck people that force them to go to their house where they find loads of chopped up body parts everything about it is just it's just rubbish it's just i wanted gore and it's laughable and you see their faces and it's

like they're just wearing rubber masks but that's the costume it's like really cheap it's just it's just terrible and at one point they they're doing things like oh let's get away from these horrible people that are trying to kill us oh look there's a massive tower let's there's a massive wooden tower let's go up that it's like well what are you going to do when you get to the top oh come down again because you've got nowhere else to go and what who's waiting for you at the bottom all the people that are trying to kill you you know what what what what's the point it's it's just it's just terrible i hate it i mean i suppose at least being trapped with a a horror film that's so bad it wouldn't be as i mean if it was genuinely

terrifying then that would be like oh god i want to watch a film but i've only got the thing that makes me not sleep for two weeks and i keep getting getting scared of the giant and then like paranoid everyone's coming to kill me but then also just having something that's so shit you can't even be bothered to watch it is really problematic as well isn't it and i think yeah it's one of those genres where i'm not i'm not a of them myself, but I guess you've got kind of ones that are sort of old and shit and not that scary, but they're kind of entertaining because they're sort of like faux horror films.

Then ones that are like genuinely fucking terrifying at the other end. And then I guess there's so much good and bad in between, you know, like the sort of genuinely clever psychological ones, but the ones that just sort of don't press any buttons at all it's like that's that's your only job it just seemed to be you know there was that phase of like i know what you did last summer and scream and like the and they were kind of but they weren't they were good films and they were kind of scary it's like someone's

gone yeah we need to like let's cash in wrong turn but there's also like seven wrong turns so i i've been doing research i like looked it up and was like how are there six sequels to this and what can happen it's called wrong turn i mean imagine in every film they take a wrong turn and then some people get murdered and at the end someone survives and they're like, yeah, let's take another wrong turn. What? I mean, I am going to watch them all just to see how bad they are.

Because so many horror films are based on like, oh, we're lost, we're walking through a wood. Uh-oh, that guy's not the guy to ask for directions. Yeah. I mean, so it's like, they've just thought, well, what if we get rid of any premise apart from that? Like,

how do they get lost? Oh no, they just get lost. It's just a wrong turn. Next one is wrong turn. The GPS failed or like wrong turn. Google maps couldn't connect. Like there's no,

it's just, you've just gone. Fuck it. Like you might as well just go, film about killer. Here is, you know, scary man. Yeah, people will die. One person survives. Everything you know about horror films.

Okay, then, well, to distract you from the bad film, how about a little music? What's your song choice going to be? It's of Monsters and Men, and I actually didn't know the title of it till this, and I think it's called Home is Wherever You Are or something. Now, this is a... It's not...

I mean, I think it's a bad song, but the reason I don't like it is because every time it comes on like it fills me with a sense of dread like it's just something about the melody or the the chords or how it's put together like the vibe of it and i'll be working or wherever i am and i'll suddenly feel like, why do I feel like, genuinely feel anxious or on edge? And then I'll go, oh, that song's playing. Like I genuinely find it haunting. And I can't explain it.

There's that song and there's a Jamie XX Gil Scott Heron song that also, it just freaks me out I just can't stand it so that playing any time on the island is just going to freak me out I'm just going to be like what's going on and it is a bad song it's a song that sounds

do you know what I mean you can hear a song and you're like oh I can hear that that's been written by a human rather than a song where you just like let the song wash over you and it kind of feels natural and like nice and kind of like just somehow came into existence because it's such a nice song versus this like overproduced horror show. so i think the one who's like home is wherever i'm with yeah i think you know what i've got a feeling it's actually by a different band but it's so close to monsters and men like they're both very it's that sort of poppy folky sort of thing it's

used on adverts a lot isn't it and it's like you know like oh here's a here's an advert about a bank but we're showing you two people getting married because we care and then here they are on a on a open top sports car heading down a road in america and the song we're here for whatever life throws at you it's that sort of yeah it's a straight to voiceover kind of thing isn't it have i got the name of the song wrong i didn't want to listen to it it makes me feel so bad well no there's two that it's i'm getting confused there's one that's edward sharp and the magnetic zeros and that's the home one right of monsters and men do stuff

that's so similar i can't oh do they you know like when you go hum the banana man theme tune and then hum the superman theme tune and you just can't do it because they're too simple it's sort of like that they're basically the same thing yeah so we're just gonna yeah but it goes home home home is wherever you and then it has like a a chorus bit where it goes to the you know what they're getting so merged in my head but what we'll do is give you a compilation of like folk classics yeah yeah and then it'll be on there somewhere it's something that on the on the surface feels like it's quite um quite disposable but kind of optimistic and quite sunny yeah like and you know like

cheery but if you you can imagine it sort of and this is a thing they do in horror films you know imagine it transposed a little bit and like sung by a child with a bit too much echo. Yeah. And you know, it's like home is wherever I'm with you, but like, and it echoes for too long and it's like kids singing it.

You know, you can just have suddenly it all changes a little bit too fast. But it's all, it's all, it's already fearful for me so that that even imagining that is like genuinely making me really really angry and now if i if i listen too closely to it and it's like home home is wherever i'm with you who am i with i'm with a jolly green giant shiv and bear grill and suddenly it's like

making me feel even worse i'm like what yeah horrible but i can imagine someone like your stalker singing it to you so yeah go home leave me alone it's like but home is wherever i'm with you yeah i don't want you to be at home here get out of my fucking life leave me alone yeah yeah fair enough i think you made a very good case for that so um it joins you on the island amongst amongst a compilation of a few other similar things there's plenty of that kind of crap around um okay well um finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I can go a couple of ways. At the moment, I've bought a flat and we've had a massive rat problem.

So I could say rats, but this is going to get a bit too real and I don't think it's that much fun. It's just genuinely, genuinely caused me mental health problems. What animal do I think is a dick? I'll say crabs. Crabs? I'll say crabs. Okay.

Yeah, and see what happens. Don't spend too long thinking about it. Yeah, I mean, I guess they're basically just land spiders, aren't they? Well, spiders are on land anyway, so it's a stupid way to describe them. You do get sea spiders. That's true, that's true. But they're a bit more threatening than... I mean, I think they're

largely fairly ambivalent, aren't they? They don't really do a lot to us. But there's something about them that's quite creepy. I think they're dicks. They can live anywhere, can't they? Which is arrogant. They're happy to live in the sea or on land, as long as their can't they which is which is arrogant you know they're happy to live in uh they're happy to live

in the sea or or on land as long as their gills are wet i think that's the science behind a crab uh living out of the water so a they're not they're not going to be bothered about being like if whatever the equivalent of a plane crash is for a crab wherever they land they're going to be fine because there's probably going to be water so they're not going to be like very empathetic to my situation if they could talk they're probably going what's your problem why are you so stressed out about this just like just go pop in the sea and i'll be like i can't i can't breathe in the sea you dickhead um so there's that they're they're evil aren't they and let's get they walk sideways why are you walking sideways that's a weird thing isn't it yeah i don't know why they're built like that

it doesn't yeah i mean they have enough because they only have 10 legs maybe i think they've got enough legs that they've got the big pincers and then i think they've got four other legs so essentially they've got 10 limbs haven't they so yeah so it's sort of people are going to be getting furious listening to this going no they don't have 10 legs what are you talking about i'm basing this on a song in moana which i watch a lot with my kids and they talk about what a crab sings about being a decapod so that's what i'm okay so you know i reckon disney i'm trusting disney to have done the relevant background checks but I kind of like if you've got that many fucking working limbs surely you should be

walking forwards 360 you know you should be on the walls on the ceiling everywhere you can walk whatever surface there is I want to see a crab on it no just this like weird horizontal you know linear thing and part of the thing that i don't

like about that is that i'm going to be on a desert island and with three people that i don't like i'm watching long term two i've been offered cups of tea left right and center and eating jack of potatoes i'm on edge right the last thing i need is someone walking sideways up to me that's a scary way to move yeah just strafing around yeah just constantly being sidled up to so yeah i don't care if it's trying to be like nice to me and they move so quickly as well it fits and starts also um as a food stuff you know that's's difficult to eat. If they're edible crabs, that's not making my life easier, is it? I have to crack them open. I have to, you know, that's a process that I'm not going to have to do.

And also, not really that much meat. It's delicious, but I'm going to have to kill a lot of crabs if I want to make a meal out of them. And it's just not convenient as a foodstuff. And also with crabs, I mean, like when I've eaten crab, the legs are very nice. The white meat is good. And then the brown meat is very strong.

It's kind of like almost got a sort of livery, like it's intense, isn't it? And that's the bulk of it is that, you know, like if you have like crab in a restaurant and it might be a terrine or something, they might put a bit of the brown meat in it and that's all right but i always think i like crab and i'll be at the seaside or something and my wife will get a dressed crab i'm like oh great yeah let's get that and i'm like i don't like crab yeah and i feel like a real child yeah oh don't like it's

true though isn't it sidling up to me with your shitty meat go away there's also a a type of crab a listener sent in once called a coconut crab have you seen him oh well i i watched a um documentary on coconut crabs two months ago i bought a new tv and i bought like a first time ever i bought like a 48 inch flat screen tv because i've moved in with my girlfriend. It's the first time I've had, this is very boring. Anyway,

it's a big TV. L's O L E D like first time HD, blah, blah, blah. And I was like going through Disney plus or whatever I had trying to find like an HD documentary. And I watched a documentary on coconut cracks.

Me and my girlfriend girlfriend it was worse if you want a horror film what's that yeah he's shocking massive crabs but they take over the whole it's like a carpet of of coconut crabs and they're massive aren't they and they climb trees and stuff as well like yeah yeah yeah they are then they've got like a like a huge one massive claw that's like the size of them yeah they're horrible things yeah horrible things well i think we might have found your species of crab for the island yeah yeah a good ending to an awful awful desert island prison for you. So, yeah, Ali, fine choices throughout.

I've got to say, you really nailed the brief. So thank you so much. Thanks for having me. And it's been a pleasure talking to you. And where else can people sort of see what you've got going on at the minute? Well, at the moment, the main one is I'm doing my show, I Tried To Be Funny But You Weren't Looking, at the Soho Theatre on the 3rd and 4th of July at 9pm. It got good reviews in Edinburgh.

Four stars from the list. Ali Bryce is funny. That's all I've ever wanted. And it was also nominated for Best Show in the comedian's choice awards which is very nice and then it's going to um estonia in december if anyone's there but yeah july the third and fourth of the soho theater and out and about on the london comedy scene brilliant cool well we should look you up and uh ali thanks again for coming on desert island x day mate it's been a real pleasure oh no thanks for no, thanks for having me.

Thanks for having me. Cheers. There you go. Desert Island X with Ali Bryce there. Hope you enjoyed that one. And more along shortly with different people. Got loads coming up. So, yeah, make sure you subscribe and you won't miss them.

Also, you can get involved, as always, with our sister show, Compact Dicks, which is where you get to tell us who and what you think is a dick. And we've been a bit slow at getting them out recently but yeah we will get back on it soon me and james have had very busy crazy lives so uh they don't get out as much as they would like to uh those episodes but there's no reason not to send us a uh a submission anyway you can go to dixpod.com slash contact and you can even send us a little dm on twitter or instagram at dixpod so there you go desert island dicks was a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon it was produced and presented by me dan benedictus

we get very welcome occasional support editing it from ch Attaway so thank you Chris and as always a wonderful big heartfelt thank you to the big man John Deacon. That's it for me we'll be back soon. I hope you have a week free of dicks unless it's the ones that we talk about when you're listening to Desert Island Dicks. God I'm really rambling

I've got to go and pick up my son. I'm just going to stop Okay cheers bye