Desert Island Dicks - ALISON SPITTLE

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Comedian Alison Spittle joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, Dan here from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features the very funny Alison Spittel. But before we get to that, I just wanted to pop up here and ask that if you like this, please like and subscribe from wherever you get your podcasts it's really useful for us and you'll never miss an episode so that's good as well and while you're there feel free to leave us a review if you like it too anyway that's probably enough for me hope you're all okay during this lockdown wherever you are and here's desert island dicks

with alison spittle Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Alison Spittel. Hello. Hello. How are you doing? Good, good. I suppose we're all having our own version of desert island dicks now at the moment with the corona. Yeah, hopefully you can find it a bit cathartic and get stuff off your chest a little bit while you're stuck in lockdown over in Ireland.

Oh, no, I'm living in London. Oh, you're in London. If I was in Ireland, I'd be a lot happier. OK, so it's less international than I thought, but that's OK. Essentially, we could pretend we're anywhere given that we're just connected by a laptop and a video screen. Absolutely. It's like Eurovision. Yeah, exactly. So how did you find the process of whittling down your choices today um um yeah i found it i found it harder to pick

the people than um than the food and the and the songs and the and the music um i suppose i kind of i have a historical person and then the rest is kind of like uh types of people okay okay great yeah well i'm looking forward to hearing them so uh let's dive in and who's your first choice so the person i would pick would be the type of people that live with me i think like 90 of the people that i've lived with in the past uh have ended on a bad note or i've disliked so that that would be the type of person i wouldn't like to meet on a desert island okay and do they do they share a particular trait or something that that greats impatience maybe maybe that's the bad thing about living with me. Yeah, I think they do. A big thing would be when living with a person,

especially in an island, I feel that you have to give and take. And a lot of people that I've lived with haven't given or taken. Like, I lived with one flatmate, and the house was... I mean, it was a very cheap house and it came with a lot of really bad art but I kind of liked it because it was very cheap

and it was obviously very amateur art made by people that had lived there previously and just weird but she replaced it all with like live laugh love picture frames which I think is more disgusting. And I mean, there was one picture that she replaced and it was of a woman holding up her skirt above her knee

and looking at you covered in spirals. And still I found that less offensive than the live, laugh, love. Yeah, that's very much of the sort of gin o'clock kind of school of art, isn't it? Oh, definitely. People that think Prosecco is a personality, that would be a very, very big thing that I dislike. And I do like Prosecco, but I don't like shouting it out from the rooftop,

so I just find it very untrustworthy. Yeah, and I suppose if you were stuck with a person like this on a desert island, you know, you'd sort of go off gathering food and firewood and come back and find they'd just spruced up the place a little bit and made their own versions of those signs. Yes, yes. Made it with seashells and maybe just write laugh,

dot, dot, dot, into the sand uh which i think would drive me insane absolutely insane the sort of live laugh love thing is it's almost a kind of noughties or or whatever we're calling this decade the 20s version of kind of uh you don't have to be mad to work here sort of thing isn't it it's that same school of thought it is but i wonder who started it i wonder i'd love to be in the meeting room with the originator of that like i i is it is it from like eat pray love or what what would you say is the origins of uh the live laugh love thing it's weird isn't it because it's one of those things that probably someone came up with it and it's impossible to sort of copyright.

It probably ran across the globe before anyone could copyright it or anything like that. So there's probably just an incredibly bitter man out there somewhere. Every time he sees it, it's like, that was my idea. Damn it, I should be a billionaire by now. And every time he walks, like his wife might spot one in a shop and she has to sort of direct his attention elsewhere so he doesn't ruin the day with his anger. Yeah, because he's not going by that mantra, is he? He's not living life and laughing.

But this encompasses a wide range of people you've lived with. You've got stuck with a lot of people like this. Yeah, I suppose. Who else is there? There's the type of oh here's the surprising one ukulele teachers fuck them in the bin hate them generally just any any ukulele teacher i've met evil actually pure evil i've met two but they're evil the ukulele is one of those things isn't it that like it has a very sort of cheerful uh sound but it's also incredibly great the sort of people that

play it are often very irritating it's the fedora of the instruments it's a it's a red flag. It's an absolute red flag. I mean, someone of a ukulele is someone who... ..whose favourite film is Scarface and has no idea about consent. Like, that's how I feel. It also feels like someone who... Generally, ukulele players, when I hear the ukulele, it's uninvited somewhere in a campsite or festival. No one ever says, oh, you've got a ukulele, great, play me a song.

Yes. No one ever, you know, they never wait for that. No. And I don't think that was the kind of consent you were talking about. I feel like no one has ever, like, not even someone's relative has gone, John, John, get the ukulele out. Show your Aunt Mavis how you can play the ukulele. It's a deep, dark secret that should be kept.

I really like that song. Is there any way you could play a more twee kind of version of it on your tiny guitar, please? Yes. And you've known two ukulele players. Actually, yes, I have. yes and you've known two ukulele players actually yes i have um i feel bad because i don't mind i don't mind um people that live in villages and decide to make a ukulele orchestra they're perfectly fine i want to stipulate that i actually wouldn't mind living with a ukulele orchestra on this desert island just individual just individual living with a ukulele orchestra on this desert island

just individual just individual men to play ukulele and think that makes them automatically seem safe like it's just it's sort of it feels like a sort of calculated move doesn't it it's like you can trust me i've got a ukulele absolutely absolutely i think this should be arrested incidentally trust me i've got a ukulele sounds like another version of live laugh love doesn't it is that one of them yes you don't have to be crazy to to play ukulele but it helps it really helps and do you think they refer to it as a uke as well definitely definitely i'd i mean i would refer to it as a uke because it rhymes with puke it's just like yeah definitely and so i think as well if you're

someone who does enjoy the sound of a ukulele i can imagine you coming back from the other side of the island coming back maybe the other members of the island, coming back, maybe the other members of your plane crash, the survivors, you know, they're sitting around by the fire, a nice little ukulele jam going on. I mean, it's horrendous, isn't it? That's when you walk into the sea. That is when I walk into... That's when I kill them all with a stick

and then turn the stick on myself. Like, that is... This island is going to become uninhabited very soon that's how I feel well we better press on and find out who would be your second choice on the island then I'm going to change it up I'm going to make it into an individual

Oliver Cromwell I would not like to live yes absolutely can you imagine being stuck on a desert island with Oliver Cromwell? Absolute prick. My historical knowledge is such that I can't really imagine being stuck on an island with him. But I'm vaguely aware of some of the things he's done. But give us a little bit more background on him. So he's the Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland according to Wikipedia that I've just read out now

but he's an absolute prick he's a bellend he killed a kid I'm not a royalist it's not as if I'm saying this because he got rid of the royal family it's because he told Brittany

he was going to free them from the tyranny of the royal family and then replaced it with being an absolute dry arse, an absolute dry arse. He banned birthdays, dancing, anything half fun. He he he banned it. And I feel that I wouldn't be able to live with him, especially on the island because most of the ex-flatmates i'm talking about are irish and he had a big problem with them so the tension would be very high yes i was gonna say like he he did like a bit of an irish massacre from what i've read yes a bit of partial to a bit of a massacre in ire A touch of it, a touch of it, yes, yes.

Yeah, so that would be a big issue. And also, I'm nearly sure, wasn't there like a big BBC, there was like a top ten Britons. I'm going to have a look. I'm going to just type in his name and check. I'm pretty sure he was in the top ten. And I was like, really, Britain? Really? Oh, here we go. He was in the top ten. And I was like, really, Britain? Really? Oh, here we go.

He was in the 100 Greatest Britons. And top ten on the list. Sir Winston Churchill, number one. No surprise there. And, I mean, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, number two. Okay. Les Dennis, number three. Really?

No. So, I completely fell for that hook line. I was like, oh, good. I mean, who doesn't like a bit of Les Dennis? Exactly, you can't really argue with it. Like, if you did see him in the top ten, you can't say no. I was listening to you read it out and I was thinking, God, like, it's just people probably don't even know much

about any of the people. It's just that it's like... Brand recognition. Yeah, it's just people think, who's the greatest Brit in this person? Because I've heard of them and that, you know, it's like there's that one poem by Rudyard Kipling that's always the nation's favourite poem

just because that's the one they know, you know. So I was thinking, God, it's all so bloody predictable. And then you said Les Dennis and I was like, oh my God, that's brilliant brilliant but i'm just an idiot no no i want him to be number one i i i don't see a um a reason why he shouldn't be um then we you know you got elizabeth first john lennon and then uh cromwell is at number 10 and he's admired for moving the country to a more democratic state form though his nomination was controversial due to allegations it was alleged allegations of genocide in Ireland it's funny because normally an allegation is like

allegations of you know infidelity it's not genocide. Yes! Alleged genocide. But it's quite funny the more I think about now, the more I do want Les Dennis to replace Oliver Cromwell in the top ten Britons because Les Dennis would never do genocide

in Ireland. I don't think it's in him to do that. It doesn't feel right, does it? It's not a good fit. No. No, no. So, Oliver Cromwell. So, yeah, so he's very... He's, I guess, one of those people who's some people's hero, other people's

villain. You know, he really can sort of split things down the middle quite a lot because I don't know how much people know about these alleged wrongdoings which is the lightest way of putting it possible yeah it's just one man's lord protector is another one's genocidal maniac depends which side of the which side of the sword you're on i read a little bit about him earlier and um it was in the reason these are sort of alleged allegations of genocide is because it's unclear quite whether he meant to give the orders

to kill quite as many people as he did. So some people are saying he said, oh, no, only if they're fighting, you know, if they're with arms. And other people say, well, that's dubious because this happened. But I think either way, you sort of like bowled into a country and you're starting a bit of a war. It still kind of in your name isn't it even if even if your boys went a bit far and massacred another hundred thousand people yeah still i don't think you're completely without blame there no like the way the way it's written about there it feels like

michael caine or he's like you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. And also, maybe those people took it very literal. Maybe they just killed people that had arms. Yeah. You know. So if you didn't, you got away, you were fine. Just quickly tuck them inside your jacket. You'll be all right.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, and he had very, I mean, anyone sort of from the 1600s is going to be pretty tricky to get on with i mean just in sort of general day-to-day terms but i mean he had very very black and white views didn't he so he's very black and white views but didn't he didn't he give power to his son which is like what he had a problem with the royal family about oh really okay yeah i think so let me just have a quick check.

I'm just looking at the end of his life here for the crack. But also, he was sentenced to death after he died and his body was dug up and they hung it again. I love the logic of the olden days. Like, right, they sentenced him to death. He's been dead for two years. Doesn't matter. Dig him up and do it anyway. Just make sure he's properly him to death. He's been dead for two years. Doesn't matter. Dig him up and do it anyway. Just make sure he's properly dead this time. I really hope there is an afterlife so he did see that.

Yeah, imagine that. Or maybe that's like you get into the afterlife when you've only been killed once. Yes. And then the second time, then you get kicked out of the afterlife. Oh no, they've killed you again. It's like this weird afterlife loophole that no one no one thought about because no one thought that

anyone was going to dig up someone so they could cut their head off like double jeopardy or something yeah exactly so oliver cromwell then anything else on oliver cromwell before we move on let me ever think um just that i think he's a bit of a hypocrite he wouldn't help out with i presume it's literally the only food we have is the that type of food i'm going to say later there's no like natural well growth or anything like that i mean i sometimes allude to there being coconuts and things on the island so let's say i mean you can get what you can forage along with the food that you end up being stuck with let's say that okay i just feel he wouldn't be a good forager i i feel he's a hot-headed man uh i feel like there's going to be lots of arguments on this uh on this island yeah it's going to be hard yeah no i think that

sounds yeah and i don't think he'll take well to a ukulele player either they don't see you know he's he's a man of war and hopefully you know hopefully i want i want cromwell to murder the ukulele player that's the only massacre i want on that island is the all ukulele players so uh oliver cromwell joins you on the island who's going to be your third choice um people that join girl bands after they've formed and the main one have left nice okay and very specific do you have anyone in mind in particular um yes so uh jenny from atomic kitten um heidi from the sugares, well with The Sugar Babes you have several options

you have, what is the other two called, Jade who was in Eurovision and Amel as well, so it would be quite a populous island, there's quite a lot of people to choose from and I

just picked them um because when i was a kid and i'd be disappointed that uh bands would break up i used to put a lot of my anger on on the new members i'd never like write letters to them or anything like that but just you know personal anger it's like when my parents divorced. Yeah. You'd put anger on the new boyfriend or girlfriend that came in, even though they came in after the anger had become too much and they're just normal people trying to move on with their lives. But no, I'd look at them as the problem.

That makes sense. It's a weird one, isn't it? Because, you know a with a boy or girl band it's very odd if a if a new member comes in whereas in rock bands it happens you know it's quite matter of matter of course isn't it because they have such long careers it's sort of you know like iron maiden can have a lineup with hundreds of members you know that's true i've never thought about that before. Maybe it's something to do with

we just don't expect them to last that long. So it just feels a bit weird if you kind of try and stretch it out and replace someone. Also, The Honeys is a very, it's a very strange story. You know the band The Honeys and they had like,

come to the end of the line. They replaced a member of the band and didn't tell any of the public and just went on a tour in Australia with a new member. Like Pippa in Home and Away. Exactly like Pippa in Home and Away. And we're not supposed to not question it or anything. No, it's like, you know when you watch Coronation Street and like the prepubescent boy will go upstairs.

He'll be like, just going up to bed mom and then he'll come down and he's like adam ricketts with a six-pack and you're like the laws of biology and physics you know i mean something's amiss here yeah and uh that that is how i feel i feel like every person that's brought into a new girl band are people that will not cause trouble. Actually, maybe they will be good to live with, but they're almost like they're bred like horses. They're there for temperament. I always sort of imagine they're bred in a huge warehouse somewhere and there's a production line,

one corner of the factory for tv presenters the other corners for this these sort of uh you know disposable pop uh figures yeah and they just depend you know they go sometimes the sometimes the conveyor belts cross and you might get a bit of a crossover i feel like i feel like with um uh with this with this kind of crossover of uh competent people that are like chirpy and competent um yeah there is there is a there is a there is a factory element to it i was gonna just address the slight elephant in the room which is that i'm not the original host of this podcast so um what yeah my my friend james started this podcast and i've recently taken over so i feel that if i don't address it there's going to be loyal listeners sitting there being

like oh pot calling the kettle black with dan here so how did that how did that happen what have you explained this before yeah so uh before i took over we did a handover episode where i i got him to choose his desert island dicks so it is so we didn't we didn't just try and do a pipper from home and away and just you know let it sink in and never mention it right but i thought i thought it'd be weird not to mention it now that you've chosen that thank thank god you did, because if you mentioned it after, I'd be like, oh, I sounded really passive-aggressive. Has anyone ever said podcast hosts? Because that would be aggressive-aggressive. Not that I know of, no. Not so far, shall we say.

And has anyone said bigots? Because I nearly picked bigots, but I thought it would be very vanilla. We've had things like that before. I mean, Piers Morgan's popped up on a few occasions. So, you know, you could sort of say he's the poster boy for that sort of genre. So, you know. Fair. I was trying to change it up a bit.

I didn't quite. Like, I was like, I'll pick Cromwell just because he's a prick. And then I'll go, like no it's great group thing it's great no no I like I like your thinking a great deal it was mainly mentioning just in case other people are listening thinking god he's got a nerve talking about replacements and so is there anyone in in um of the you've mentioned a few but is there one that really stands out as like the worst replacement ever because sometimes I mean is there ever an occasion where they actually add something to the group or yeah i mean with time um when i when i talk about this and talking about

like my feelings within the first six months and uh like it's the problem with the sugar babes is i'm very attached to the original lineup of the sugar babes and then when heidi came along and they brought out three good really very good albums uh you can't stay mad at her and then when amel came and they did that song about you now i was like aha poor jade didn't get the chance i mean it was really watered down Ribena at that stage and it wasn't her fault. So is there anyone I particularly hate? Nah, nah, I don't think so. I feel it's like a lose-lose thing for them, isn't it?

Because you kind of think, right, this is my chance to be a pop star. I've wanted it all my life. But I am joining something that if I joined this band, then I'm never going to be one of the original ones, but i'm also never going to get a chance to join my own band because i'll have become one of the sugar babes they're normally plucked from like relatively obscure other bands but that's the way it works it's like um say with jade i think jade did um eurovision before she joined uh the sugar babes and i think jenny i'll give her a quick look up here but she was in several bands uh before atomic kitten and um a lot of the way pop music works as well like pure and simple by hearsay

um that was the song for another obscure band. If you're an obscure band and you have a half-decent song, you can guarantee in about two years' time it'll be taken and given to a Premier League pop star. Yeah, because you think, oh, this is a real hit, but you're never going to use it. No-one's heard it. That's it.

I mean, poor Jenny Frost. Kerry Katona is a very big personality. That's it. I mean, like poor Jenny Frost. Just imagine her. Kerry Katona is a very big personality. That is like being the quiet new stepmom when you have a very loud mom before. And you're a kid, you're feral, you don't know what to do. You'll just lash out at Jenny Frost. So Jenny Frost would be the big one for me. Fair enough.

She was in a band called Precious before Atomic Kid. Okay, yeah, Precious. I think also with the combination of people you've got, you know, she's going to be singing with Ukulele Guy or your old neighbour or, you know, someone with a sort of live, laugh, love kind of vibe. Oliver Cromwell doesn't know what's going on he doesn't understand pop stars

You see, I wonder what will happen with Oliver Cromwell, I mean is he a ghost or is he a reanimated corpse I mean he's been sentenced to death twice is this a time machine, what way are we going about this these are things

i maybe should have thought through before i'm so sorry this is your podcast you tell me your opinion and we'll stick to that because this is i say we're just going to go with him i mean let's let's just say he's like the reanimated version of oliver cromwell because we can't reinvent we can't rewrite history i mean he has been killed twice after all so let's just assume that he's there he's sort of reanimated and he's going to back to life once more ready to die again third time lucky i wonder who will have more traumatic stories than jenny frost or oliver cromwell well they can like swap it yeah i mean yeah you think you've got it tough, Oliver Cromwell.

Well, after being dug up and killed again, you want to hear how bitchy the pop industry in the 90s was. Absolutely. If you want to hear about purges, you can answer Jenny Frost. It was just as bloody.

It was just as bloody. But yeah. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads.

Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Amazing. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I'm going to start off with the drink. Okay.

And that's Negronis. Negronis. I hate Negronis. Yeah, very fashionable these days, aren't they? Adults seem to drink it but it tastes I was nearly going to say jizz but I thought that would be

You're very very welcome to say that No I'll stick with Negronis I mean technically the other isn't really a drink No that's true It's just a bucket and everyone's like where did it come from and oliver crownwell is just looking very shifty

um so yeah negronis i wouldn't i wouldn't uh i don't like negronis. They taste bad. I get very bad hangovers. So if I do have alcohol, it needs to be in a slush puppy form, I feel. Okay. Or I go for really, really posh wine or really cheap cocktails. Those are my things that I like. A Negroni, while it is a posh cocktail, it feels like one of those things where it makes... If you don't like it, it makes you feel like you're not grown up enough.

Do you know what I mean? Because they look really nice, everyone's enjoying them, and I'm sitting there going, this is really bitter, but not in a sort of... You know, look, I don't mind saying being sort of... I was going to say, because sour drinks are all right, but bitter, it just sort of stays with you, doesn't it? Yeah, it feels like I've licked someone with a sports injury. Like, it just has of stays with you doesn't it yeah it feels like um i've licked someone with a sports

injury like it just has that type of horrible hot feeling on my tongue um it's it's it's not that nice it's not nice at all and uh if i'm gonna drink alcohol i want to like drinking the alcohol i'm not one of these people that looks at alcohol as a medicine um you know and that's not me giving out about people that have alcohol addiction it's just i if it's not enjoyable i don't i don't see the difference between negroni and tenants um like special brew or something like that they're both unenjoyable to drink uh just one is more socially acceptable than the other because of expense see it feels like there's this there's this real sort of rise in these bitter drinks over the last few years like um aperol has become a thing and that's

one of those same sort of like that's bitter isn't it yeah and i'm convinced no one really likes them because often if i see a table of people in a bar drinking aperol spritz guaranteed when they leave they're always half full they never they're they're always left over you can always see it and i think you like the idea of this but really we all know there's more there's more fun drinks out there it just it just looks good it does look good i do like the the rise of the gin and tonic goblet thing that's that's pretty cool like i i i like the rise of the gin and tonic goblet thing. That's pretty cool. I like the idea of putting a cucumber and botanicals and all that stuff in your drink if it's enjoyable. But with a Negroni, I'm not even sure what's in a Negroni, but it just tastes absolutely bitter.

And that's the horrible thing about being an adult. It's bitterness, generally. You become bitter and then you drink bitter drinks and it's not great yeah and and you know it's not it's not going to quench your thirst in a in a desert island condition no why why is drinking nice things things that taste nice seen as uh immature to to like things that are nice it's weird isn't it i just think it's like our mouths get bored as we get older you know so you need more challenging weird stuff but then it doesn't seem to be at a uniform rate some people you know are just content to i think i like most things but yeah negronis i can't quite get on board with i'm glad it just

feels like one step too far yeah yeah it's just if i had a choice between negroni and jizz jizz all the way that's yeah i'm not quite sure if i'm there yet but um you know maybe i'll give the two a try later and see see how i feel about it and i can come back to you on it and what's going to be your food choice oh so the food choice is going to be uh i'd say this you get this a lot uh calamari i hate calamari calamari yeah right yeah and and i'm talking about the breaded type i think it comes from a memory where um i went to disneyland paris with my grandparents and it was an all-you-can-eat buffet and i was like happy days i was eight years old the prime my prime i think being an eight-year-old in in disneyland and um i i picked up what i thought

was onion rings sat down uh the the texture still makes me sick to this day like yeah it's just not nice yeah it's a very funny it's like if you described it to someone and you weren't allowed to say what it was you're like no try it it's not not a strong taste kind of like rubbery yeah you know it's a weird way to describe things yeah and i just don't like breaded surprises i don't like surprises in my food especially when it's covered in breadcrumbs and i feel like i was lighter uh even though i wasn't lighter it was in french it was very clear what it was if you spoke French. And I suppose as an eight-year-old as well, that's very disconcerting because when you go,

oh, what's this? And they say, oh, don't worry, it's a squid. I mean, that's going to be quite scary to an eight-year-old. Yeah. And then someone came up to me last year and said to me, no, they didn't come up to me and then start the conversation with Alison. You know, they use pork anuses as calamari.

Pork anuses? I mean, this came up in a conversation and then they popped it. It wasn't like a town crier. Yeah, apparently, like, the pork anuses have been found in what was described as calamari rings because they have a similar texture. Wow. But that could be... You know what, actually?

When I said that out loud, it sounds like a lie. I'm just going to quickly type in pork anuses. Well, this is going to be an interesting search as well. See, it's good we're all locked down. Because if you're doing this at work, it could lead to a whole world of trouble. Oh, the police would be kicking in my door I'd be put on a list wouldn't I I'd be

Oh so apparently it's Calamari's modest cousin the imitation Calamari that has the show I'd never want to be known as Calamari's modest cousin Anything's modest cousin anything's modest cousin

meet my modest cousin the pig anus pig anus yeah that's it it's a calamari it's a is that oh my oh there's a

there's a there's a website called is that calamari or pig rectum wow a whole website oh no sorry it's a it's an article imagine if there was a website called Is That Calamari or Pig Rectum? Wow, a whole website? Oh, no, sorry, it's an article. Imagine if there was a website called Is That Calamari or Pig Rectum? You could just click on it and it would tell you. Yeah.

Truly, these are modern times. So artificial calamari is a pig rectum. Wow. Well, I'll tell you what. I mean, I'm going to throw that in there with you as well, I think, you know. Imagine if you don't like one, you're probably not keen on the other.

So I get a choice, like a buffet of Eudacalamari or pig rectum. Well, I thought the worst thing would probably to be like a big lucky dip and you don't know which one you're going to get. Like a really horrible version of rebels wow that's amazing well i i like that sometimes this podcast turns educational me too i mean to be honest with you not not that knowledgeable about Oliver Cranwell, although I should have looked him up a bit more, but pig anuses, I know it all.

I hope we're not just turning a load of people off that lovely holiday favourite calamari, but I think we might well be. Good, good, I'm delighted. Now, Alison, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? I'm going to go for Dire Straits and The Walk of Life. Oh, yes, yes. You know that song? Yeah, I know that song. I work for a commercial radio station, of course I know that song yeah i know that song i work for a commercial radio station of course i know that song oh christ i'm like it's played at every wedding in ireland and i feel that i feel that no other song has probably seen more tragedy than the walk of life i feel i feel like it's been

manny the soundtrack to like the father of a bride getting a heart attack at a wedding. Something like that. They're like, no, you must wake up. And then you hear Walk of Life. It's just a very pedestrian, terrible song. I've no time for Dire Straits. And also it just the dance that people do to it

as well, it's kind of like a little funky walk it's just a very very very bad song I suppose it's one of those that people stick on as a DJ at a wedding as a sort of unifying song because they know that, you know, get the oldies up

and get the dads up on the floor, that kind of thing, isn't it? And those songs, I think, secretly don't please anyone apart from You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon, which is an amazing banger that gets everyone up, everyone up. And the arm movements that people do to that song, incredible.

Or Africa by Toto. Yeah. Just just why do you need Walk of Life when you have those two songs? It's very much the modest cousin isn't it? Yes! It is the modest cousin

of Paul Simon or Toto. Do you know what? I think from now on, if I don't like someone, I am going to call them the modest cousin. Yeah, I think you've started something here. Definitely, definitely. Yeah, I think it's, yeah's yeah dire straits they feel like

i've never been a big fan they it's it's just a little bit there's not really any grunt to it is there no i'm i'm struggling to name any members of them i i never see bbc documentaries where because because there are other bands that i don't like but i can appreciate are good or or that that people like like for instance it's not that i don't like genesis um but no genesis are a way better band than dire straits they've better music and yeah sorry i'm struggling to think of a band um at least with what are they called uh status quo they're a bit of crack they're fun yeah they don't take themselves that serious and i think dire straits are in no position to take themselves that serious and i don't know whether they do or not but i would put them in the in the status quo school of rock yeah and it's uh it's um something as well i can imagine the ukulele guy playing along with

yes um you know or he'll sort of or maybe he'll go oh i don't know this one but i'll know another dire straits one he'll start playing sultans of swing or something but they feel fairly interchangeable don't they yeah they do i feel like oliver cromwell would like dire straits i feel like if he was alive today yeah it's the only band that he would like yeah definitely i don't like dancing i do like dire straits says oliver cromwell yeah yeah absolutely they're um absolutely they feel like very much a stalwart of those kind of uh those cd double cds that come out around father's Day. Oh. You know, that just have a real, like, idea of what a dad is and what they like, you know.

Generic dad. Yeah. Maybe it's absent father music. That's what Dire Straits is. Every second Sunday, drive to get the kids to put on Dire Straits. And you can just sing along, like like Maureen is a whore or whatever the name of your ex-wife is yeah very much

very much custody on a Sunday music that's what I would call it custody on a Sunday the new album from Dire Straits yeah Sunday, the new album from Dire Straits. Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I don't know what it is. Since we've been talking about Dire Straits, I've just got like this weird memory of the smell of cigars. Do you know what I mean? Like a sort of grey leather jacket that smells of cigars. Is this a repressed memory for you? I don't know what it is. It's just, it just feels like the same ballpark doesn't it you know it's like there's gray or brown leather jacket a little headband yeah yeah something like that

maybe the sleeves rolled up a little bit you know the occasional little hamlet cigar something like that it's uh yeah it's a frightening package oh a hamlet cigar as well yeah bought for a celebration and then they thought feck it just smoke it now it's been two years exactly it's a good choice good choice um okay and uh what is your what's your film choice kids uh the 1995 american coming of age drama kids yes hate it despise it my um my boyfriend um we're going out seven years now and he's into his films and uh i'd never seen kids because i was too young to see kids when it was a big thing um but i did see the adam and joe um teddy bear remake of it. So I had an idea that it was about teenagers that were sexually active. And I watched it and I wanted to kill, well, not everybody, just the young, but I wanted to kill everyone that had been involved in making it apart from Rosario Dawson and Chloe Savini. It just made me so sad.

Have you seen it? Yeah, it's really... I remember being at school and probably about 14, 15, and some friends of mine had seen it and they just kept going on about it and maybe some of my other mates had seen it. And it was seen to be this quite cool film and everyone used to quote it, but I'd never seen it.

But then later on in life, it came up and I went, oh, yeah, this like seemed to be this quite cool film and everyone used to quote it but i'd never seen it but then later on in life it came up and i went oh yeah this this is going to be good because i remember everyone going on about it and i was like this is this is harrowing and i think it's so harrowing i think there's that thing sometimes when you watch films when you're kind of a teenager you don't quite get the full brunt of maybe your empathy isn't quite as developed or something or like or you're just trying to be cool so you don't really think about it too much or you're just stoned all the time and like and so yeah i've got a real shot i just thought it was going to be a light-hearted kind of kids up to no good in in america but no it's yeah pretty brutal oh it's so brutal i i i stopped watching it there's a part where they're in a swimming pool

and i think it's like rosaria dawson's character um they make fun of her and um i just um i just pressed up and i looked at my boyfriend i was like oh so you enjoyed this when you were a teenager and he was i was just so angry about it um and it's not like it's because i've seen when when i was a young teenager i was about 15 i watched the film 13 with evan rachel wood um which is about this um these two girls who they they do solvent abuse they they inhale aerosols and they give a person a blowjob and i was watching this with my friend donna and i looked we both looked at each other and we were like we're 15 and we haven't done either of this yet like what are we doing with our lives it felt like the forbes 30 under 30 we just felt like we'd achieved nothing of that sort so um maybe if i watched kids

when i was of that age and it came out it's also he the the main protagonist is into skateboarding and he says butterscotch all the time and i just felt he had a lack of swag for me he was getting too much sexual activity for a man with that many spots on his back like I think the women should have pointed it out to him

yeah he's quite a creepy little kid isn't he and I mean that's good for that thing. And I get like, we're not supposed to like him. But it's the... Yeah, and I appreciate it's good art for... It's just my personal taste. But I wouldn't say it's a bad film.

I just hate it so much with every fibre of my being because of the the subject matter uh but like you know I wouldn't I wouldn't say it's a bad film but I just it just does something to me yeah I agree I think it's one of those films that you watch it late at night and then you're ready to go to bed but you have to watch something else before you go to bed to sort of cleanse the palate a bit. Yeah, definitely. I feel actually that me and Oliver Cromwell might get on watching this film

because we'd both be absolutely disgusted and go into murderous rages. Yeah. And then I would ban skateboarding, dancing, any mention of butterscotch. Well, yeah, because he's a Puritan, so he's going to be all over that isn't he i mean he really is you're gonna have to explain what a skateboard is first but after that

you know it's gone i would love to see oliver cromwell watch kids i think there would have been a lot more massacres like a weird episode of goggle box where oliver cromwell's on the sofa watching yeah what is a takeaway what is it who are these men that would be amazing i think he'd even be offended at like uh songs of praise as well though yeah like he would be like they're too jolly look at look at those people enjoying their faith you should be you know he would he would find it I'd say he'd probably find songs of praise as offensive as kids yeah probably I mean it's difficult to know when you're sort of that level of Puritan isn't it I think you know chairs are probably considered a luxury, aren't they?

Oh, yeah, especially maybe a curvy chair. Do you know, like a chair with a bit of like, maybe looks a bit like the calf of a leg. He would burn it. Obscene, obscene furniture. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like peaches would be burned. What else can I think of? Aubergines.

I think he'd probably never seen an aubergine in his life. I'm actually happy for him that he was out at that time. And not now. Now, Alison, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, yes. The animal I'm thinking of is the stoat the stoat okay yeah the stoat because um the stoat is uh i used to know a lot about stoats when i was younger um because a stoat killed my rabbit and didn't eat the body. But I kind of interrupted him,

and he just lifted my rabbit up about a six-foot wall and just dropped him. And almost, I would describe laughter coming from that stoat. But I think that's more of a memory that I've implanted in my head to like get around it was he wearing a leather jacket as well

and like smoking smoking a cigar his hamlet his one hamlet he's having a celebration he's like that's what you get from making fun

of single dads but yes stoats are one of the only animals that kill for pleasure and they eat the equivalent of their own body weight in flesh every day if they could they are absolute killing machines uh yeah and should be seen with uh great fear if a stout was big enough it would murder you and your family and it wouldn't care. And I believe you as well from that description. Yeah, it's the Raoul Moat

of the animal world. Just scary. I don't really know the distinction between them and weasels and ferrets but it's the same sort of ballpark isn't it? Or are they the real bastards of the group? They the real bastards um to be honest because they're from the ermine um family of animals um but uh they are they are similar to weasels and ferrets but uh stoats are just they're they're they're just shit scary i think i saw a programme about them once and what put me off was they kill rabbits, as you said,

but their rabbit is much bigger than they are. So they chase it and chase it until the rabbit's just exhausted. They've got more stamina and then they just chase it until it can't stand and then they kill it, which just seems like such a horrible way to go. Could you imagine? I mean, they wouldn't have to chase me for long to be honest with you but um i'm just trying to look them up here on the animals of farthing wood

because i presume if they were in the animals of farthing wood they would be absent they would look absolutely evil i'd say yeah they should be the baddies yeah when an animal is a bad guy it's definitely uh when when they're when they're in they're in the Animals of Fyre and Wood and they've got, like, a frown on their face, they're bad eggs altogether. What have we got here? Oh, Ron Moody was in this. Sorry.

I can't see any stoats oh they've all do you know what's weird about the animals of Fyrevan Wood they've all got like for instance

there's a Mr. Rabbit and a Mr. Hare Mr. Pheasant and then we got you know Mr. Hedgehog Mr. Vole Mr. Mouse

but then there are other people with nicknames like measly or mossy or friendly I wonder how

you develop a nickname and how you is it the original person on the show that gets to keep their moniker as a mister and animal or what's the I don't know maybe it's sort of...

As the plot line develops, they realise that this one's less of a mister and more of a... I don't know, whatever they call them. Yeah. An attitude. Yeah, just a feeling. Yeah.

Well, if a stoat was in The Animals of Fyvern Wood to be known as an absolute bastard, that's what they would be. No, they sound horrendous. And so were there a lot around where you grew up? No, I don't think so. Like, there weren't, like, too many of them. That's my only experience with them.

I grew up in a rural part of Ireland. We have, like... The only time I've seen badgers is when they've been splayed across a road and that's not a good way to see nature you know there's no petting zoo of roadkill

yeah unfortunately that's how most of us learn about it like growing up isn't it yeah in London like for instance here i'm chatting for you but i'm looking at a pigeon tree pigeons live on my balcony and uh a squirrel is always coming up here and eating me bulbs i feel like i'm very at one with nature in london here especially yeah since the corona and uh you know they really are like the cock of the walk these animals at the moment they're having a great time yeah well there's all these stories aren't there about sort of in you know the Welsh town when all the goats have come down from the hills and they're sort of taking over and you know yeah it's uh I wonder if

there's going to be a power struggle when we're released back into the wild. Yeah, we should be very afraid of the stoats because I think they'd be the ones that would be helping the animals. In my village, like, sheeps constantly and cows got out of the fields and kind of messed around in our garden. It's quite nice to live your life with animals yeah i mean it's one thing sort of having an animal on the island it's uh just a bit annoying but having something that's sort of outwardly as aggressive as a stoat sounds i mean is uh is quite another matter yeah yeah they're they're furry wasps they're furry furry wasps i think you've put it beautifully and a very good way of rounding

off your choices for the island today so allison thank you so much now um obviously you know things are a bit different at the minute we're all locked down but where can people hear or see or find out more about you um so as i've been saying on other podcasts i I start my tour next. I'm joking. I do a thing called Co-Video Party, which is a film watching club on Twitter. Every night at nine o'clock, you just go to the hashtag Co-Video Party. What else am I doing? I've got a Ko-Fi account that you can contribute to if you like the stuff that I do. Lovely.

And that's about it, really. Oh, and I've got a podcast called The Alison Spittel Show as well. Brilliant, brilliant, lovely. Well, Alison, thank you very much for choosing your Desert Island Dicks with us today. And it's been a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you very much.