Desert Island Dicks - ALISTAIR GREEN

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

The very funny Alistair Green joins Dan to discuss the people and things that would be frankly awful to spend time with on a desert island. He's a funny man, and that's why we like him, so stop reading this and listen to the podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today we have the comedian, writer and actor Alistair Green. He's very funny. You've seen his videos on Twitter and they've made you laugh. So listen to him make you laugh while we talk about the worst people and things he could be stuck with on an island. As always, I'd just like to get in here that it would be wonderful if you could like and subscribe to this podcast. Leave us a little review and a rating.

That really helps us out and it doesn't take very long. You know, it's one of those things you think, oh, can't be bothered. They always say that podcast, don't they? But actually, actually, I've done it myself for other podcasts and I've just found it a wonderful uplifting experience. So, you know, take it from me here on the other side as someone who's done it and been there and done that. Let me share my wisdom with you. I'm talking shit. But anyway, it'd be really nice if you could. So we'd appreciate it. That's enough from me. So let's listen to a podcast, shall we? Which one?

I'll tell you which one. Let's listen to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, actor and writer Alistair Green. How are you doing? Yeah, good. How are you? Not bad. Not bad. I'm all right.

I nearly did that thing of actually telling you how I am rather than just in the polite thing of just sort of carrying on normally. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. I don't care. Good. Good. don't care good good um so Alistair we're about to share with the audience the people and things you'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island was this an easy task for you sort of compiling your list or is it ever changing you know is it difficult to whittle it down yeah sometimes I mean it's difficult to whittle down yeah there's quite a lot of things that annoy me and it's you know what is the thing that annoys me the most and I mean, it's difficult to whittle down. Yeah, there's quite a lot of things that annoy me. And it's, you know, what is the thing that annoys me the most? And I mean, I've got a good selection of things, I think, in terms of the people.

I've got a broad range of type of person that would annoy me that I wouldn't want to be stuck with. The sketches you post online, are they types of people that actually annoy you? I mean, would those types of people would be, would you find those types of people that actually annoy you i mean with those types of people would be would you find those types of people difficult to be stuck with on an island no not no maybe a few of them but they're not always people that are not that annoy me they're just i mean they're just kind of supposed to be sort of character studies of that sounds way too wanky they're just supposed to be little scenes of things happening but quite a lot of the time they're just people I kind of I or a situation

I would find interesting and I just let it let it play out fair enough okay well let's get into it who's going to be the first person joining you on the island today well this is kind of if you've ever been in this this is a kind of type of person kind of situation that i'm talking about so if you've ever been in a pub with someone and if you're in a pub with a mate say and your mate has brought a friend and then who you don't know and then your mate goes to the toilet and you don't really get on with the friend it's that type of person who you're like you don't hate them but they're just for whatever you don't quite click with them you're on different kind of wavelengths and i think that would be much worse than someone you actually hate

you know like it would be worse than being stuck with hitler or something like that because you you know you'd be like oh it's too awkward you know although obviously it might be quite awkward with hitler as well but with that kind of person it's it's just quite tense do you know do you know what i mean you can't you've got nothing in common it's you're stuck on the island with them now and again you You go, are you all right? Yeah, yeah. No, nothing. Nothing much, yeah. Okay.

You know, just that tension of you can't have a love, someone with no sense of humour. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, totally. And I think those things are extra awkward because it sort of puts into question your relationship with your friend a little bit because you're like, you're good friends with this person right you're good friends with me am i like this person or like why do you like this person you're not a dick right right i mean i i've got a friend that i talk about we say it to each other's face we say i don't understand how you're friends with that

person i don't get it it makes me question you you know yeah it's very strange isn't it because especially when you've known someone for years and you kind of think you're like you know so much about each other's traits and quirks and stuff when sometimes sometimes i mean you know you're talking about more of like a little niggly thing of not quite sort of getting on sometimes it's even worse though sometimes you just think this person's a complete bad end yeah i i guess that you don't want your interests a hundred percent aligned with your friends though i suppose otherwise that would be too boring but by the same time you can't be friends with someone who

you have nothing in common with whatsoever so there's a sweet spot there somewhere and the only natural natural sort of solution to that is to accept that with even with your best friend in the world there is going to be certain things about them that annoy you that's as good as it gets with friendship that's as good as it can possibly get in it you know because if you're too close beyond that it's not going to work either yeah no fair enough and i think in the desert island i mean that moment where your friend goes to the toilet and you're left with the other guy i mean this is just that extended forever isn't it really for the rest of your life until one of you dies or was killed or whatever i suppose it's a

sort of distant cousin of just sort of being stuck in a lift with someone isn't it yeah but i i would think in this scenario if you're on the island with them, the difference would be at some point you would probably broach that subject and go, hey, look, we don't get on really. Have you ever thought about that? Do you know what I mean? I think at what point, if you're never going to escape the island, at what point do you go, maybe there's some merit to finding out the truth of this dynamic yeah let's confront it whereas in the example where you're in a lift there's very little point confronting it or it would look weird or in the pub you know you've got two hours till closing you never have to see it it's just not worth the interaction but if for a prolonged period of time it's quite

possibly worth exploring that and saying why don't why do you think we don't get on you know trying to see their side as well yeah i mean it'd be awkward if they went oh i i thought we got them really well yeah that would be that's the worst of all worlds now it's even worse than it was yeah i would just drown myself in that scenario i go okay see you later and i just wade into the sea and never come back i think yeah, yeah, I think it's a very good start because I just think you've laid a lovely bed of awkwardness there, you know, on which to build the rest of this colony. So, yeah, I think it's a very strong introduction.

So who else is going to join them? Who's the second person? Robinson Crusoe. Okay. Because he thinks he knows, be constantly thinks he knows it all uh what you want to do mate with that if you're going to do that sos you go you can't get anything right you know he go no you would the way you smash open a coconut so there's no point trying anything you're just constantly undermined and belittled your whole identity stripped away

because he's the expert in that scenario you know it's the same as if you were there with say Ant Middleton or like the Tom Hanks in Castaway it's the same principle it's like oh fucking hell you're forever but you know you're forever in the shadow of this person like being on like being stuck with your dad for eternity. Just could never escape that. Never escape it. Just the worst. Anything you try, they go, no, you've done that.

You've done that. Well, I've made this raft. Well, you've done that wrong. You should attach the, you know, you need to attach the palm leaf like that. I'm so sorry. So sorry, Mr. Expert. I hate it.

Yeah. I think it. Yeah. I think also what's interesting about Robinson Crusoe, I mean, if you had a modern day survival expert, at least you'd have a bit more sort of shared experience. I mean, with Robinson Crusoe, he's also, you know, from a completely different era. So he's going to have very different values as well, which could make things quite awkward at times. Well, I mean, the question there is um you

pointed out a good question there which is how is he still alive you know given that it was written at some point in the eight in the 19th century so you know that he'd be whatever age he is i mean 200 years old or whatever we can play with the rules of i mean we can have him the age that he was when he was in the story if we want yeah you know we can have the character robinson crusoe but you're suggesting he he would be bringing um the the he would be talking about 1800s things yeah and uh he's you know he's talking about the repeal of the court laws or whatever and i'm going tiktok's annoying isn't it i don't know what that is so it's even worse yeah you know although that is a way for me to claw back some uh authority in that situation i know you don't know but you haven't even got the internet you know you don't know anything

mate i've seen i i would say to him i've seen cast away and he go what's that i go was a bit weird because it's sort of based on you but you know i know how to get out of this situation i don't even know if robinson crusoe eventually got rescued i imagine he did in the book i've never read it but yeah i don't know the story it's a eventually got rescued. I imagine he did in the book. I've never read it. Yeah, I don't know the story. It's a weird one, though, because it's the template for all stranded survivors. There's no other, you know, I'm sure there are other novels written about people stranded on desert islands,

but we don't know them. Robinson Crusoe is the platonic idea of the stranded person on an island, right? Yeah. He's almost an adjective. You know, he's a descriptive, oh, you've gone all Robinson Crusoe. Yeah, it's weird just thinking, though, I mean, because even if you sort of said, I've seen Castaway,

and then you made a reference to Wilson, like you'd have to explain to him what a volleyball was or, you know, like even that, what's a volleyball? Like what know like even that he was a volleyball like what frivolous notion is this yeah yeah you'd have yeah you'd have to explain how the plane went down in the sea and explain the concept of flight he really is an idiot yeah i think yeah just in general i think someone of the nature of robinson crusoe would just be very impatient with modern people I think yeah I think so yeah and with a sort of stiff upper lip that we could never hope to to have so yeah I'd be whimpering and crying I can't do anything I'm rubbish at this and he would be

much more I think he'd be you know he'd be very authoritative and know what he's doing and that's why I'd hate him all right and who's going to be the final piece in the puzzle of human dicks here this one is sort of i don't want to name them specifically but i can think of a few people in my head about it's a type of person who moves from being a sort of tv presenter into the kind of wellness area and writes a book about it so one of those those, I mean, couldn't even call it a book. And they're called, you know, they're called things like feeling good or whatever, or this kind of very vague guide to life

and wellbeing and mental health. And this kind of like, well, not specific mental health, it's perhaps something different, but that kind of wellness thing where they, you don't need any qualification to do it. You just kind of segue into it from TV and light entertainment. And it's another thing where it's become a sort of, you know, I guess it's the publishing industry really is responsible for that

because they presumably would contact the person person's agent and go hey would they be interested in writing a book i'll tell you what's big now you know and it's just people in reality shows do it that that kind of thing so that kind of person you know that kind of wellness stuff when you're trying to survive and smash open a coconut or whatever or kill a pig or whatever it is you have to do that i think that would that would grate on me slightly and the knowledge that they had some sort of book as well would annoy me yeah yeah especially if they somehow would manage to smuggle the book with them i think you know and started trying to read it i think that would that that would be that would be too much yeah maybe they were they died whilst maybe the plane crashed while they're on a promo tour or something like that yeah i mean from their point of view i totally get it because you're on

tv someone says do you want a load of money to do this book you know just after christmas when people are feeling shit about themselves and you go well i'm not in great shape but yeah you hire me a trainer i'll suddenly look quite good and then i'll get it ghost written but there's not going to be anything that useful. It's not like you're going to have like they've written the Buddhist text for you so that you can go, now I can be content in all places with just myself, you know, can lose all sense of ego. Right, right.

So there is there in that a sort of, if you're not a religious person, which I'm not, it feels counterintuitive to say this. But I think exactly what you're saying. Learn a religious text. At least there's some historical significance or some cultural significance to it. Rather than this thing, which has no value, you know, at least learn, you know, rather than you've got no qualification to say this. I don't you know, it makes no sense at all.

I'd rather read the Bible, the Koran, whatever, the Buddhist text, whatever. At least then it's, you know, it's of interest. Yeah, because it's kind of like the dream catcher. That came from a culture that believed in it and it ties into all their beliefs that go back however many years, you know. And so for them, it's like, yeah yeah hang up a dream catcher in in your in your dwelling but if you're just sort of someone who lives in london works in an office goes out on the weekend got a dream catcher tattoo because you're spiritual like this is you know these books are the equivalent of the dream catcher tattoo i think you know it's sort of it's meaningless yeah sometimes I think with stuff like that and

I think this about a lot of things sometimes I go maybe I'm being too harsh there if it helps people and then I sort of think nah nah it's shit just say you know I think we're getting to a point now where people are too sort of worried about calling things shit not enough people call stuff shit anymore it's just this way too supportive of, you know, these terrible ideas. But I think it's fine to be like that because it's not like, you know, it's 2022 now. There's enough texts written that can help us. And I don't think that Davina McCall's new health book

is going to be the one that's going to change everything. It's like, I've done some really tricky interviews in my time and there's one thing that's kept me going. And here I am to pass my knowledge on to you. And I think it's distinct from people's beliefs are fine. I don't really care, you know, if they believe in, whatever they believe in, it's fine, it's none of my business. But when it's packaged up and marketed as this kind of thing it really annoys me yeah and i think it's distinct from

for example the other night i was watching uh jemma collins documentary about self-harming and i thought oh this is good this is raising awareness people will watch this it may help them that's a very different proposition than some vague book, which I think it's about with that kind of wellness thing. It's about the greed of the person who's done it. I think it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. And I mean, trying to untangle this person and their book with Robinson Crusoe, you know, is going to be so difficult.

Right. Well, there's this thing called telly. This person is is sort of more important than us in our society and they've written this book the other thing about that is that it's sort of the wellness industry is sort of tied in with a post-god idea so it's sort of a religion replacement that kind of notion of goodness and well-being and what have you so you'd also have to explain to robertson proof oh you do you remember church that's not really you know you didn't really do that as much now in england at least

i'm not sure the part that your friend's friend is playing in this against the well i mean they could go either way i mean if they're not quite on the same level as you there's a chance they'll be quite into this person's book as well just to sort of further alienate you yeah i mean that's that's the worry in a in a three is that you know you you end up ostracized by the two there's always always a danger of that yeah well i think they're fine choices for your people and um yeah i think there's you know going to be a nice mix of of tension and and just difficulty just you know going about your daily business so yeah fair play okay alistair now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately

for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad my food is uh nachos that you get in pubs just covered in that gloop stuff i say this a lot because nothing has ever usurped it it's the it's the worst thing that can happen if you go into a pub and there's a table free and you sit down there's just a plate of half eaten and it stinks that condiments on it i've got a real thing about condiments well i'm very particular like i can't have mayonnaise or ketchup i can't have it near i can't eat with someone eating stuff like that a burger where it sort of gloops out but it's mainly that nacho stuff you get in pubs where you know they just look like crisps or whatever just covered in gloop you know like any kind of sauce and stuff and i'm not

talking about traditional kind of mexican food or whatever which i'm fine with i'm talking about that cheap kind of chemical stuff that's that stinks the mess of it i hate it i hate it i don't know what they do they must like make them and then just leave them for a bit so you know you pick up one and the whole big like yeah thing of cheese just comes off with one yeah yeah yeah awful awful awful yeah the salt the fat on it and the grease it's just dreadful awful thing i'd rather just have crisps i think well i think we sort of the that kind of pub food is you can't really better nuts and crisps because they dry and you know they're salted quite a bit but i think if you're covering things in

glue it's like you don't want that it's really it's really not not the thing that should be Because they dry and, you know, they're salty. But I think if you're covering things in gloop, it's like you don't want that. It's really not the thing that should be accompanied drinking in a pub. Eating that on a desert island as well. I mean, that's your only food. Again, you've got to explain it to Robinson Crusoe. The TV presenter, she's on a health kick or he's on a health kick, whoever they are.

Yeah. They don't want to touch the nachos. There's no nutritional value to it it's all salt and and fat you'll be dehydrated it you know be terrible give you no energy yeah it's the worst possible thing you could have with you yeah because they sort of don't start off that great and then they end worse yeah well obviously you're going to need to wash that down with something given given the dry nature of it. What's your drink choice going to be? The drink I can't bear is Vodka Red Bull. And I've only ever drunk it on one occasion,

and I'd never touch it again. And it sent me absolutely insane. There's very few drinks I actively really dislike. You know, I may not like sort of things like wkd or luke as i did all those fizzy kind of things but this particular drink there's something so nasty about it it's something really unpleasant it's like liquid badness it's like the devil you know it's it's and on one occasion i went when i was much younger drunk because it used to be a thing where i grew up in Romford.

I don't know if it still is, if people still drink it, although I don't think young people drink as much now. But when I grew up in clubs and stuff, everyone was drinking vodka of Red Bulls, and it got you so wired. It was like the worst kind of drug, because you'd be very drunk and very inebriated, but tons of energy and angry. On the one night that I drunk it, I remember getting really angry in a kebab shop

and thinking that I'd been mugged. There was no one else in the kebab shop. I just suddenly, my mate told me, well, my mate was there as well, and he said, I suddenly flipped and I went, someone's just nicked my phone. And I tried to run out, ran into the plate glass window, forgot where the door was.

I was running out on the street. My phone was in my pocket you know this was so it's one of those drinks i think you know i don't know i don't know about regulating it but it's such a nasty unpleasant drink that brings out the worst in people yeah and it's a fast drink you know it's people neck it and it's and it hits gets into your bloodstream very quickly. And it's very unpleasant. Yeah, because it's a bit like, what can we do to make this night a bit fightier? Yeah, it's lethal. Yeah, a bunch of people in a confined space and then feeding them that. So it's a recipe for violence.

I like vodka as a drink. But one of the good things about it is it sort of it just goes so well with things it just sort of makes things taste a bit more grown up you know so you put it with juice or whatever and it still just tastes like juice but a bit bit of an edge but red bull's not a nice starting point so it's like what if this red bull tasted a bit worse yeah i'm not sure when the first energy drinks were but it feels like a 90s thing mid to late 90s i would say and then there was monster energy i mean you still see the people i see drinking at people if i if you know if i happen to be up very early the people on their way to work or finishing a

night shift or whatever necking it on the on the tube to get to work or to get home from work and keep my weight long enough yeah i mean that's the only practical application i can see for something like that yeah you know a legal stimulant that's not not cat if you don't want caffeine i found they do one now that is like a red bull that doesn't taste of red bull and i keep that in the car because i'm always i find that like now i have two children when i have to drive up to my mum's in leicester there's constantly times i'm like oh my god i'm gonna fall asleep at the wheel and there's no services around so I just have to like get a cat out and neck it and it's like but it's very much like a smash glass in case of emergency sort of thing yeah so it's drink this or like crash my car with my family in yeah so it's the lesser of two evils really yeah but um

yeah god I mean there's people who for whom nachos and vodka and red bull would be like great night out yeah which is quite depressing yeah i think so yeah you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, well, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film that I've never managed to sit through is The Shawshank Redemption. I think it's my least favourite because so many people say it's their favorite and i you know the contrarian in me immediately goes well i mean really i i've watched maybe half an

hour of it and just like i can't this is unbearable just the sort of quasi spiritual element to it and blah blah you're making a prison film make it proper proper. You know, make Scar Moss. You know, I don't like this kind of, I've never managed to get through it. I think the most I've watched is half an hour. Or the other films, and I'm trying to retrain myself, is any musical. I just can't do it. I've tried so hard.

And I don't know if it's a childhood thing where, when I was a kid, we had one VHS tape and on it was Star Wars and the Sound of Music. And I wasn't allowed to watch Star Wars and my sister wanted to watch the Sound of Music because it was on one tape. So I wonder if it's that sort of thing that it's annoying me for. But it's mainly the stuff like the Shawshank Redemption or just the idea of it just being there and, you know, the wellness person and Robinson Puto watching that

and enjoying it. And ironically, it's about escape, I guess. But I still wouldn't appreciate that. That would probably annoy me more. It's one of those where people are like, you haven't seen the Shawshank Redemption. Like people get quite sort of aff affronted by it you know and it's i think it's because it's it's yeah it becomes a part of their identity it is a part

of someone's identity if you say what's your favorite film i mean i don't know the favorite i haven't got one but some for some people it's a very important thing it's quite threatening if you go that's a piece of shit because they take it very personally or and i wonder if it is also about uh as kind of herd mentality where there's a little, you know, unconsciously you know that a lot of people like this film. So you go, okay, that's good. I'm part of this, you know, I'm part of this group.

And it's quite a safety thing, maybe. It's been on telly and I remember thinking, well, this is the one that everyone says is brilliant. It's like modern classic. And it just feels like, yeah, it's a bit slow and it's a bit bit earnest isn't it that's what it is i hate all that anything where it's got some strings on it and emotional music and all that stuff is you know that that kind that level of manipulation in any sort of medium is uh i think. It's an awful formal film language to use. It's very unimaginative and very uncreative.

Yeah, and I feel like with Morgan Freeman, he's sort of become, because he's reached this status where he's such a sort of iconic, you know, he's been the voice of God and we've heard his voice, that voice, you know, instantly recognisable. So now it's almost a bit cheesy sort of seeing him and stuff because you're sort of like, old wise Morgan Freeman. And it's kind of, I don't know, at the time it's okay.

But now, I don't know, it's like, it's a bit of a sort of parody of it. You know, it's almost like someone watching someone doing an impression of him, if you know what I mean. It's funny. Yeah. I mean, with actors, I sort of had some sympathy because I think, you know, mostly actors are not that fussy and if they happen to tap into something that they can monetise,

like, it kind of makes sense if you have a hit film and then filmmakers go, oh, my God, can you do that in our film? You go, yeah, sure, fine. I mean, if I was an actor, I would be exactly the same. I'd be very happy to just be the same person for ages and just, you know, collect the money. And so, you know, nothing against him. It was just me, you know, my relationship with it, watching it.

But yeah, so I think that's a fair choice. And then in terms of musicals, you know, I've spoke before on here about, I find them quite tricky to sort of get into. I find, you know, if it's like my son's watching some new Disney thing and there's some songs in it, I find that fairly tricky to sort of get into. I find, you know, if it's like my son's watching some new Disney thing and there's some songs in it, I find that fairly inoffensive. And I can sort of, you know, for kids, I think it's great

because it's, you know, it's nice for them and there's a song that they enjoy. And to them, the songs are as valid as any other song. So it's all right. But I think because I'm maybe a bit of a music snob, I just don't think this is very good music. Yeah, it's never particularly good music yeah well should we say you know in in homage to your childhood vhs should we should we put the two on one videotape for you so you've got the shawshank redemption and and the sound of music

i think that makes sense yeah yeah i mean again the sound of music is i haven't seen it yeah same same i don't know if it is specifically a kid's film, but it's not really just for grown-ups. It's more like a family film. When am I going to sit down and watch The Sound of Music? I think that about a lot of things. Like when people go, oh, my God, one day you have to read War and Peace. You go, I can say almost certainly I won't.

I almost certainly won't do that. Or anyone goes, you've got to see this film.'t do that you know or anyone goes you've got to see this film you've got to read this book you've got to do this i go nah i really don't i don't same with i haven't seen et and people say you've got to watch et right but i'm i'm almost no it's so depressing yeah don't watch it don't watch it it's really depressing good okay well that'll save me some time at least so yeah yeah yeah just google the plots and you know you can you can from youtube clips you get a gist of it yeah i mean i think i'm i understand what happens in it you know uh alien bike phone home

yeah yeah yeah you know the deal yeah yeah yeah you've seen it. Yeah, exactly. And what's your song choice going to be? Anything. I've got very sort of visceral hatred of ABBA. So anything by ABBA. Wherever I hear it, it grates on me so badly. I've got a few bands. I've got a lot of bands, actually, that annoy me to the point where I have to leave the room. I cannot be in a room with when it plays

I hate it so much and I don't know if it's the associations of people kind of having a good oh my god let's put Amber on you know or in some sort of ironic way I feel the same way and I know some people are very pro this but Queen does the same thing to me i just don't know why i just can't listen to it i just go ah it's just annoying to me queen are very marmite aren't they like just like yeah i mean i'm i'm i'm sort of fine with them but yeah there are people who viscerally hate them yeah i really do yeah yeah i don't know what connects those two things um you know or any kind of any kind of noodling kind of 60s psychedelia grateful dead stuff i'm just like oh god it kills me you know but but in particular in particular abba and i've never been able to pinpoint why i mean my parents used to listen to it so maybe that's in

the mix somewhere queen i don't i cannot pinpoint why that annoys me. It may be overexposure. You just hear the songs over and over everywhere. But that said, you know every Rolling Stones song, you never, you know, maybe get sick of them, but it's a different thing. It doesn't annoy me, you know, in the same way that Queen and ABBA do. Yeah, I think there's a campness to it that I think you've sort of got to kind of get on board with yeah it's something about like you know you're being at a wedding they put on an abba

mega mix or something and it's a bit it's kind of being made to dance involuntarily with an auntie or something i think it's those associations with abba yeah yeah it's quite difficult to to to analyze why why it why it grates on me so much. I don't know why, if it's the melody or the sort of kitsch factor or the overexposure of it, I don't know. But the idea of being exposed to it for a prolonged length of time on a desert island is just too much. Yeah, I don't think it's music that you could have on and on.

You know, it's very much, it serves a purpose. It's at a wedding. People are singing along. I don't know how many people are listening to ABBA at home. Yeah, and I wonder about the people who are really into ABBA. It makes me concerned for them. Yeah. Okay, well, that's fair enough.

Well, we'll give you a greatest hits ABBA box set as well then. Yeah, that sounds good. All right. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's a wasp. And it only really needs to be one wasp. I think it's because, you know, if you're at a barbecue or something like that,

you can get one of those little candles that don't work. Or you can go inside, which is what I do. I just go inside. I go, I'm not dealing with this. I'll eat inside. But if you're stuck in an island with a wasp and it's every single time just following you around, trying to get near you. Every time you eat, it's hovering around your mouth around your fingers and i think what bothers me about them is and i have this with any animal capable of flight is that they can

manipulate a dimension that you can't you know as in air you can't fly a wasp cat a wasp can do everything you can do and more but it can't swim it can't swim but it can hover above the sea if you know if you want to go underwater to avoid i've seen the 70s films where they do that kind of thing you know the swarm and all that stuff so i think that's what bothers me it's very unpredictable as an animal mainly due to the dimension you know get around in the air it's got no strict uh you know because with this sort of question is something like a crocodile or something like that the crocodile has a sort of predictable pattern you know what it does yeah you know how to in theory evade it

the same the lion you know you can potentially you can climb a tree or blah blah you know what it if it's crouched down it's about to attack it can stalk you all that stuff a wasp you can't really predict it it's very unpredictable animal it's it's chaotic yeah it seems to have no and i think it's also when when you're a kid you go oh no no don't don't move you'll make it angry you're like i don't want it to get angry you know it's like you've provoked it in some it's like you're responsible and you made oh it's because you made it angry what did i do i merely i you know i raised my hand to drink a seven up or something oh you made it angry god well and that. Maybe it should learn some restraint. Yeah, I mean, I think a wasp is a very good choice.

I think Robinson Crusoe's sitting there kind of telling you to sort of get on with things and don't pay it any mind. Yeah. The celebrity starts off going, look, there's a Navajo trick to dealing with wasps and this is how it goes. And then sort of you have to pretend to go along with it to not hurt their feelings before you get stung so yeah you know alistair i think you've done a really good job here today um with all the things that you've chosen they have been good arguments and i totally understand your reasoning behind all of them i think you've got a a shitty environment to spend the rest of your life. So well done. Thanks. I look forward to it.

Now, Alistair, where's the best place for people to keep in touch with what you're up to at the minute? On social media, at MrAlistairGreen, on all the usual apps. Everything I do, I post on there. Cool. Okay. And yeah, so we'll keep up to date

with everything you're doing there. And thank you so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. Thanks for having me. so there you go that was alistair green here on desert island dicks i hope you enjoyed it and um yeah that's it really you know as always we'll be back soon with more episodes so um you know if you subscribe they'll go straight to your phone or listening device and um yes we're very appreciative of that if you do it i'm i'm not talking very well today, am I? Never mind. Let me tell you something.

Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus, edited by Chris Attaway. Social media support comes from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton. And as always, a special mention to Grandmaster Flash and John Deacon for their unwavering and steadfast support. That's it, we'll be back soon. Thank you very much. Bye!