Desert Island Dicks - ANDREW MAXWELL

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

Comedian Andrew Maxwell joins Harriet to choose who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Trigger warning: if you're a big fan of The Beatles, approach with caution! We're now on Patreon! And so if you want more from Desert Island Dicks head over there for early access, ad free listening and bonus episodes - find us here: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello. Today we're joined by comedian Andrew Maxwell. Andrew is so incredibly passionate about his choices, some potentially very divisive, depending on how much you love the Beatles. Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod and you can also follow me at Harriet Kemsley. And you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desertislanddickspodcast at gmail.com I'm going to be touring next year so come see me all the dates are on my website at www.harrietkemsey.com we're also now on Patreon

and we currently have a great offer for an early bird price for the first 150 members for as little as $4 you will get early access to episodes completely ad free listening plus bonus episodes you won't find anywhere else where james and i will be discussing our dicks of the week

and reading out your suggestions for the desert island i think that's everything for now here's desert island dicks plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why their dicks is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Andrew Maxwell. Hello, Andrew. How are you? Well, thank you very much. Yes, it was actually a struggle to come up with things that I really didn't like. It's hard for you because you just love everything. Ah, well, I just let all the stuff slide.

Yes. But I put some effort in and it turns out there was a lot of bile in there. Ah, quite a healthy release, maybe. Exactly. I just have to get all the gloop out of me. Okay. Well, I'm excited for that

sitting in front of you. That's, that's lovely. Great show, by the way. Oh, thank you. People can't see it, it's a podcast,

but is it like, is it a zebra or like a zebra tiger? Yes, I guess it is sort of, if I ever find myself on the Serengeti again, this time I'll fit in.

Oh, so Andrew, who is the first person that you would hate to be marooned with on a desert island? When I came to it, I was like, oh, yeah, you're... John Lennon. John Lennon. John Lennon. Okay.

Ugh. God, I hate John Lennon Extreme reaction even to the name You know they gave him an airport It's an airport named after him Where is it? Liverpool Oh yeah

It's Liverpool It's Liverpool's easy jet Ryanair airport It used to be called Speak That's classy Yeah but now it's the John Lennon International Airport. What is it you hate about national hero

John Lennon? Beloved icon John Lennon. Well, he was a fraud and a phony. Whoa. He was,

you know, he made you be genuinely stuck there and all that fucking hippie crap. Him and his damn wife we're just lying

in bed until there's world peace oh yes that's exactly how imperial wars at the height of the cold war

come to an end Spanner from suburban Liverpool and his wife who's the daughter

of a Japanese industrialist the two of a Japanese industrialist. The two of them just fanning around in bed in Amsterdam. Yuck. With all their luxury opinions. Hey, why don't you let me try peas? What did we think of that, John?

So you think he wouldn't be particularly helpful on the island, maybe? He would be useless. He was a man, baby. He always had servants and people doing things for him his entire life. But a talent. So what? He's not going to be talented on the island, is he? Nice little soundtrack.

Just in the background. He's imagining going to be talented on the island, is he? Nice little soundtrack. Just in the background. He's imagining, you know, a better place. I just made myself a guitar out of a coconut. Do you love rock and roll? Who wants to play rock and roll? Oh, yuck. Just him butchering Chuck Berry numbers over by the only source of water on the island.

I like that. We know that already this is a controversial opinion because you said as you walked in the front door, you told the security guard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was basically who you hate. And he went, who's that? John Lennon.

And he honestly almost cried. He was a man in the mid-60s. So you're really, this is a really strong... But you know, just Lennon just douching around, just going, peace and love, bag of some...

around the island. And you, as the other person in the island, are just waiting for him to turn violent again. John Lennon was an incredibly violent man. Really? I didn't know that.

Oh, he even sang about it. That's how we know he was a domestic abuser. He used to sing about beating women. I'm not very good with lyrics. I need to pay more attention. Oh, dreadful human being. Well, put him on that island. He utterly neglected his oldest son.

Didn't speak to his son for seven years. Imagine that. An awful human being. And he was very, very cruel towards Cynthia. Well, you've changed my mind about John Lennon. Yeah. Be a Ringo person. Look, there's just nothing in there.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't be offended by Ringo. That's true. That'd be good. Just every day, I'm just going to find some more driftwood. God. Off you go.

Just start at the furthest way and end and just work your way back in your dreadful dye job have you seen Ringo recently no

because Ringo was Thomas the Tank Engine that's right that's my main that's my main memory of Ringo that's right choo choo

here we go that's it I would love that actually I would love that soundtrack I wonder if you can set like Alexa to Ringo's voice.

I'm sure you can. That would be really nice, wouldn't it? That would be good. You could have Ringo up in the highest point in the island just constantly looking out for planes. Just give us a shout if you see Andrew Ringo. Nothing again, Andrew. One day, Ringo.

One day. Okay, so John Lennon's there. Unfortunately, Ringo's not. Who is the second person on the island with you? Banksy. Oh, God, I hate Banksy. We're releasing these strong feelings. Terrible.

Again, a national icon, Banksy. But they were both and were only national icons for a certain type of section of British society. Yes. You know, people are impressed by Banksy. You know, he's just some privately educated dude

from outside Bristol. Do you know who Banksy is? Yeah, everybody does. Oh. Everybody knows who he is. He's a dude called Robin. Anyway. Everybody knows who he is.

He only went to one of the elite schools and, you know, he's in his mid-fifties and he's and, you know, he's in his mid-50s and he's still, you know, going up behind people's chip shops and putting one of his exceedingly average visual opinions.

And making them millionaires. Not really. I mean, the people who own the places that he's dawdled all over, you know, they... They get their war removed. Yeah, they get their war removed. They can't stay in their living room anymore.

Oh, how wonderful. Thank you, Banksy, for the plight of Sudan. But the UN are rats in little blue helmets and, oh, rubbish. There's a little girl, she's holding a flower, but the petals are actually bombs. It really makes you think. Awful. So lame. So what art do you like?

I like real art. Oh. Goya. If Goya decided to, you know, put a scene of of Napoleonic brutality across the side of a kebab shop in Margate, then I would support that.

Sadly, Goya's loans has passed away. Whereas Robin, you know what I mean? Privately educated, got loads of money, probably only eats organic crap. Have you met Robin? No.

I feel like it feels so wrong to call him Robin. I never knew this before you said it. It feels so wrong. I feel like I should speak to him. To be honest, I don't know what it is. That's the rumour is a dude called Robin. Okay, okay. It might be a different dude.

Okay. But the point is, it's definitely a pinky ring guy. It's just there. God, it really makes you think, doesn't it? Oh, God, my pinky ring just got on the stencil. You know what I mean? Robin doesn't wear them, but his dad definitely wears red jeans.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's changing a lot of things. Gile. It's a Gile guy. There's a reason why he never went public. Right?

If he had any kind of image that the Guardian would yum, yum, yum away at, you're working class and bisexual. Right? He would have come out. But he's not. But wouldn't they have

discovered him by now? That's it. Everybody knows who he is. Fleeting Robin. Am I the last person to know who Banksy is? What a terrible way to find out.

How embarrassing. But isn't it a team? That's one of the rumours, isn't it? It's a team. That's even more rubbish. There's a whole load of you came up with this. It took you this many, 20 of you to come up. Let's have two cops kissing each other.

God, it makes you think. So lame. Now it's postcards in the gift shop of every damn art gallery in the world. They give all the amazing art in the world. Instead it's Banksy. He's like the Pret-a-Manger of art. I feel like Banksy and John Lennon might get on that. Oh God, they would.

Yeah, just you in the middle. Oh, if they'd been alive, they would have collabed the shit out of my island. John would be going, well, what about if he was a submarine? But it also looks

like a phallus because that makes you think as well, doesn't it? That war is very masculine energy. Robin would be like, oh, very good.

Whatever he talks like. Oh, I say, isn't it wonderful? I'll definitely do that. Submarine. Okay, so who's the person that we're adding to this mix? I didn't know I had this much bile in me.

Yeah, I think this is healthy. I don't think you should be going around with all of this I think it's good to release it Will Smith We've taken a turn Not at all You attack a comedian on stage you're out You're on the out and you're out forever dude

Piece of crap What a phony He's a phony And he crap. What a phony. He's a phony and he's another Scientology phony. Do you think? Oh, 100%. Oh, he's Mr. Scientology.

And like, judge people by how bad their kids are. That song is good though when she's swishing her hair back and forth. It's not a lot. It's not a lot to hold on to.

One swishy song here. Terrible children. Awful wifey song here. Terrible children. Awful wife. But him. It's him. What a character assassination. We've got the children, the wife. Oh, the whole lot of them.

All the Smiths. All of them. Terrible people. It's so hard to like him, though, because of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Independence Day. It's so hard. On front of a billion people on live TV

you slap somebody in the face because you don't like a joke what was he really like and then at the end of it there's actually to be honest

I'd like to put the entire academy it's actually not just him his behaviour on that night at the Oscars attacking one of the finest comedians

working anywhere in the world. Was he having a breakdown? Oh, please. Spare me your mental health, boo-hoo. You don't get to attack people. Yeah, that is bad. Chris Rock is an actual genius and extremely respectful to other comedians.

I got to meet him on a couple of occasions. The guy was really supportive to other comedians. I got to meet him on a couple of occasions. The guy was really supportive to other comedians. Top notch. We did have Darren Harriot on and he did a different story, but he did meet him in a lift. Yeah. Chris Rock, yes. Will Smith, no.

Wow. So what is it about the Academy that you don't like? Well, the fact that live on TV, he attacks somebody live on stage. Your host. And then instead of cuffing him and taking him out of the building because he just attacked somebody, two hours later, he's allowed on stage to blub his eyes out

and collect an award. And they're all like... Awful. The photos are mad of him with the winners. And then just that look in his face like, I really fucked this. It is crazy. Well, he clearly didn't because they gave him an award. He would have known if he had really fucked it

because he would have been in West Hollywood Police Station. Right? But oh no, not the arts, darling. Right? Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. And you see them standing beside each other.

Like, Chris is... I'm quite a physically small man. Like, Chris is taller than me, but he's not much taller than me. And Will Smith was big enough that he could play Muhammad Ali in a biopic. So these weren't even men

of the same size. He was attacking a much smaller man. It is crazy when you look back, isn't it? It is crazy that that happened. Now I can't, I just can't look at him. And then sometimes on YouTube,

a clip of him will come on, of Will Smith sitting there on the hallowed Graham Norton couch, yuck yucking away, telling one of his rubbish Scientology anecdotes get the hell off my screen get the hell off my screen I don't even believe

you were born and raised in West Philadelphia anymore I don't believe it I mean where's Jazzy Jeff now yeah where is Jazzy Jeff exactly exactly exactly you're making me rethink a lot of things I mean where's Jazzy Jeff now Yeah where is Jazzy Jeff Exactly Oh Exactly Exactly

You're making me rethink A lot of things Andrew I will say Do you know what I mean The legend of Bagger Vance Shut up Just shut up Every one of his movies

Rubbish His phony baloney smile Not UC Plastic And I'm trapped on an island With the three of them Rubbish. This phony baloney smile. Not UC Plastic. And I'm trapped on an island with the three of them. Oh, hey, everything's going to be great. Him and then the other one just stenciling something obvious again. He'll just be, there he'll be, Banksy will just be carving out coconuts.

Turn coconuts into bombs. It is a truly terrible island that you've created, I would say. It's truly horrible. And a drop of a hat, Will Smith is willing to do his running man dance. Awful. You know, two violent men. And an extremely obvious

hack okay mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately it's your least favourite

food and drinks in the world what are they and why are they so bad right what are we starting with food food or drink food let's do food right hipster burgers right Why are they so bad? Right, what are we starting with? Food or drink? Food, let's do food.

Right. Hipster burgers. Right? What is a hipster burger? It is a burger that costs more than £10 that has been served to me in a box like I'm in a refugee camp.

Yeah? Yeah. And it's been made in a container. Right? Yeah. And it's been made in a container. Right? Yeah. And I'm meant to be grateful for this.

What do you mean by container? She's saying like a container. You know, we've stacked 20 containers on top of each other. How fun is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, I get it. It's just a burger. Right? It's German peasant food. Yeah. It shouldn't cost this much.

Yeah. And if you're going to make a burger big, don't make it up big. Make it out big. Yes, that's such a good point. Because you can't get your mouth round it. Exactly. Yes.

Yes. And then you could just nibble like a pizza burger. Why hasn't anyone invented the pizza burger? Why can't we go long? Yes. We've got a long burger. It's like a hot dog burger. It's just long.

Yes. This is... It's stacked. It's a stacked burger. What are you talking about? And then the weird magic that is truffle fries. We take fries that you can buy in an effing supermarket. We've heated them up to a level that you won't get poisoning from them.

And we've just sprinkled some mushroom dust over the top. And they're now 15 quid. Yeah, the truffle. I don't get the truffle thing either. Yeah. I love truffles. Yeah. I love a good truffle.

It really brings something out in a risotto. But you just sprinkled some purple beige dust over chips. And magically they're worth twice as much somehow. What is your thinking with the buns? Like a brioche bun? Oh, like a brioche bun. Okay. I'd say that's a bit hipster.

I don't listen. I don't listen. A tea still burger is fine. I don't listen. I don't listen. Artisanal burger's fine. I'm just talking. The price. It's the price. The price. The height.

The location. Yes. If I'm paying 15 quid for a burger, I want a knife and fork and an old-timey napkin. And I want somebody to cut my hair while I'm eating it. Yeah.

Right? I want somebody to give me a short back and sides while I eat a chicken burger with a knife and fork. A big old bib. So what's your dream burger? Small. I like a slider. I like three small burgers.

Which I'd say is pretty hipster. Yeah, I would say. And probably quite expensive. Probably more expensive with less burgers but see for me the slider is usually in the is usually in

the roof pool bar of a luxury hotel right? that's not hipster at all yes quite right that's global wealth that's fine by me

I will accept that's lux yes thank you no problem I got three little different burgers that cost 15 quid but I'm also sat

you know in the roof pool bar area You're paying for the roof pool area Yeah Yeah

Yeah Okay I'm not in Peckham I'm not in a former public park multi-storey car park in Peckham Or toilet sometimes

Yes I'm not in a former basement toilet underneath you know underneath Shepherd's Bush yeah yeah yeah

this is I can still smell the toilet yeah yeah just just because there's a guy with a face tattoo

called Daniello serving me I'm sure he's the sexiest man in Turin but it's still 15 quid for a burger with a face tattoo called Daniello serving me. I'm sure he's the sexiest manager in but it's still 15 quid for a burger in a toilet. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay so toilet burgers is there. Toilet burgers. Toilet burgers is up there with the food that you don't want. And um Stacked toilet burgers. A stacked toilet burger.

So even if you still had the appetite to eat the effing thing it's like how are you going to do it? What if it was £9.99? If it was under £10 it's fine. This becomes different. to do it? What if it was £9.99? If it was under £10, it's fine. This becomes different.

Okay. Right? This is very different. If there were £9.99, I wouldn't be served by Hugo and his pinky ring now, would I?

Yeah. No. Yeah, okay. Yeah? Yeah. It would just be, you know what I mean? I'd have to drive up

to the counter and I'd be served that way. Great. Because that would be McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, drink. McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, drink.

What's your worst drink? By far the worst drink in the world is shit Guinness. Right. I didn't know there were different types. Right.

So, Guinness is made in Dublin. Right. At St. James's Gate Brewery. Okay. It's such a sacred place that in the world of non-swearing swearing

people say James's Gate instead of Jesus. They literally swear by the holy gates of the Guinness Brewery. That's how important Guinness is. Sorry. Yeah.

I'm sorry for being disrespectful. No, no, no. It's fine. Now a good pint of Guinness will have a lovely dome on it. Sorry. Yeah. I'm sort of being disrespectful. Yeah. No, no, no. It's fine. Yeah. Now a good pint of Ginnis will have a lovely dome on it. Ah. Right? Like so it's meant

it's meant to go up a bit. That's right. The head will actually have viscosity to it. Oh, you wouldn't have liked it when I worked in a bar. Oh. If there was a bar in this country

it would have already been shit. A good pint of Ginnis there. You've got the head in it now yeah it's got the bulb or the dome yeah you can slightly tip that glass

and nothing will leave that glass yes that's one of the signs of a good pint of Guinness ah because it's like it's like trapping it in that's interesting that's right

yes you lift the pint and if you can see what is known as the ruby in the glass there's a sort of a dark vermilion red colour at the very bottom of the glass if you can see what is known as the ruby in the glass, there's a sort of a dark vermilion red colour

at the very bottom of the glass. If you can see that, that's also a sign of a great pint of Guinness. Is that like food colouring? No, it's actually because Guinness is not black. On the spectrometer, it is in fact red. It's extremely dark red. Wow.

Which you can only see if a good pint is held up and you can see the ruby at the bottom of the glass. Okay. This is a sign that if a good pint is held up and you can see the ruby at the bottom of the glass Okay This is a sign that there's a good pint of Guinness because it's not

in fact dark brown because the pipes the pipes are constantly cleaned If the pipes in a Guinness is cleaned then you'll get

the ruby in the glass and the perfect dome Ooh But if somebody's a lazy bum, you know, like a member of the Beatles or... A hipster.

What? A hipster. Or not just any boozer. Yeah. And obviously, you'll either clean the pipes regularly or the pipes will be kept clean regularly by the fact there's so much Guinness

going through it. Yeah. So Ireland's obviously the best Guinness. There will be a standard on... People think it's the pouring. The pouring is important

but it's not actually. It's the cleaning of the pipes. It's all made by Guinness. So it's not... There's not like pretend Guinness. No, it's all real Guinness. Yes. It just hasn't been

treated properly. Right. Because you know like there's lots of different types of beer. There's not like different types of Guinness. Guinness is Guinness. Yes. It just hasn't been treated properly. Right. Because you know, there's lots of different types of beer. There's not different types of Guinness. Guinness is Guinness. That's right. I mean, the sub-family of booze that Guinness is, is stout.

Okay. So there's other stouts. Yeah, but they don't compare to Guinness. No, I mean, there's two in Cork called Beamish and Murphy's and they're magnificent, but only in Cork. Right.

And then there's Mackelson stout over here, which is very different. It's in a glass bottle. It's in a, you know. But they're all stouts. But they're not like Guinness. Guinness is its own thing. In its own right.

But it can be ruined. It can be ruined. Right. By incompetence. Yes. Neglect. Yes. Incompetence.

Yes. And just general lack of joie de vivre. And then a bad point again is now the head will be utterly lacklustre completely flat.

Outrageous. Right? There'll be no dome to it. There'll be loads of bubbles in it. The glass hold it up all you'll see is brown.

But worst of all there'll be what is called the ghost in the glass. Where you can see the weird ghostly sort of grey quality to the actual ghost in the glass where it's the weird ghostly sort of grey quality

to the actual inside of the glass because the glass hasn't been cleaned properly. The glass has been put through a machine. It hasn't been

hand washed. How many pubs do you know that hand wash? All the good ones. If you're selling Guinness like you don't want to get the ghost in the glass.

You've got to hand wash it. Yeah. And that's but like I've seen it. I've seen the worst point selling Guinness like you don't want to get the ghost in the glass you've got to hand wash it yeah and that's but like I've seen it I've seen the worst pint of Guinness and it's like at the time

I was actually a bit emotional and somebody this is how they poured a pint of Guinness they put a glass on it and they just pressed a button like

like they were serving like long life orange juice just handing me this monstrosity of bubbles Like they were serving like long life orange juice. Just handing me this monstrosity of bubbles. I went, I'm not having that. He went, you're taking it. I was like, I'm coming over the counter, fella.

Either you do your job properly or I'm coming over the counter. But that was his job, I guess, to press that button. No, it's nobody's job to be useless. Right? I take that back. That has been my job at points, I would say. As Prince Andrew's job

is to actually be useless. I take that all back. Yes. Do you like chocolate Guinness cake? I do. I love that cake. I'm obsessed with it.

It was our wedding cake. Was it really? Yeah, yeah. We had a chocolate Guinness cake. It's so good. I don't like Guinness. I'm sorry to say that'm obsessed with it. It was our wedding cake. Was it really? Yeah, yeah. We had a chocolate Guinness cake. It's so good. I don't like Guinness. I'm sorry to say that in front of you. It's fine.

Listen, it's an acquired taste. Chocolate Guinness cake. My God, it's so good. You didn't... You're a mother as well, aren't you? You've got kids, haven't you? Yeah, I'm a mother. Yeah.

So when you were pregnant, you weren't recommended Guinness, no? My mum drank on it, which some people say makes sense. Makes so much sense! How much Guinness was she talking about? Was she Susie Sixpack? What are we talking about here?

What are we like? How much Guinness? I don't think she was drinking that much, but just people have said that it does. Well, it's all the iron. It's all the iron in it. Yeah. You know.

Yeah. But obviously now we've got zero, zero Guinness, so. What's that? What do you think about that? Well, it's not for me. If I want to drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it, it's called water. Why would I?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Come into this strip club you know what I mean? Yeah. Come into this strip club. They're all in boiler suits. I mean, they still dance, but they're all in boiler suits and balaclavas. You don't go to the strip clubs for the dancing? I'm more there to listen to...

The music. The music. To enjoy the music, yes. To enjoy the music of Usher, as God intended, in a strip club underneath a railway arch in Leeds. So, Andrew, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song. Dare I ask what are they and why? Right. Now,

my wife said that I had to explain that this wasn't she didn't want to be tarred by association to what I'm going to say next. Yes. She said that

I had to say state that this was my opinion Right and that in no way does she contone this opinion whatsoever Okay

I'm just double checking Jesus God I can't Mark Ruffalo slipped through the net God I can't stand him I interviewed Mark Ruffalo twice years ago

and he was one of the most arrogant self-important humourless pricks I've ever met. What did he do? He was just like rude, just his essence.

He was just a... It was like, it was after Big Breakfast, there was a show we took over Channel 4 called Rise. And for, in my early 20s, I was, I'd do, I'd interview movie stars. You know, fly to LA or New York for the junkets. You know, junkets when or New York for the junkets. You know junkets when a movie's crap.

Yeah. But now they have to kick in the contract where you've got to try and sell this rubbish. You know the one where the actor's in a chair and they've got the

fall down poster? Yeah. And it's weirdly, darkly, brightly, They only do that if they think it's going to flop. Yeah. I never knew that.

Okay. Yeah. So none of the actors are happy. They all look miserable On that side of the field You've only got four minutes With them

Right You've got four minutes You've got a chance To ask three questions You know so I get it They're under pressure And what not But most of them

Were awesome Yeah I interviewed loads of movie stars They you know You know It was a light hearted piece I wasn't trying to Grow bar material in

But I was being upbeat It's a breakfast TV show a comedian interviewing movie stars you know lightly into yeah he was a fucking

shithead he just sat there like every any kind of jocularity he was just yeah yeah

and he about three questions in the first time I met him he went you live in the UK like like fucker is this a is this a Mexican cantina scene for you? Why are you talking like that?

You live in the UK? I'm like, yeah. My wife is from Brighton. Oh, I love Brighton. I get there all the time. Yeah. That's all he had on that. So you just walk through my questions. Yeah. That's all he had on that. Oh, God. So he just walked

through my questions. Yeah. And because then you feel like an idiot because you're trying to get an atmosphere going and then you're like, come on,

you've got to come with me or else. And he was the third banana and weirdly I interviewed him and then I had to interview him for another effing movie he was in like six weeks later and I walked in

and he pretended like he had never met me. I'm like, fuck off, dickhead. Remember the Brighton bit? Yes. It was six weeks ago. I'm the same guy.

Yeah. And he was just, oh, oh. Oh, he was a knob. And now, the only thing he's famous for is being a big green monster. So would it be a Mark Ruffalo film? What's that? Would it be a Mark Ruffalo film?

Oh, no, Christ, no. Sorry, I was just looking at my notes. I just wanted to... We just had to get that out there. He just, yeah, no, he had to go in there. I would have been angry if I hadn't got Ruffalo in there. Yeah, no, I think you could. No.

The movie. And like I said, my wife is like, you can't... I'm nervous. La Miserable. La Miserable. There is nothing I cannot stand about Les Mis.

But by far the worst thing about Les Mis is how fucking long Les Mis is. Right? How long is it? Three hours. Oh, it's a three hour job. Jesus Christ. It's not Dancing with Wol Oh, it's a three hour job. Jesus Christ. It's not Dancing with Wolves, for fuck's sake.

Awful. Awful. The music. It just goes through me. It's all... It's so pompous. Every number and everybody, all the actors are all like their bellies out. Hours of it.

Is this the recent one? Well, I guess it was what, 10, 15 years ago? Yeah, yeah. The one with all the stars in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way. Yeah.

By the way. She did her teeth all ripped out. You know, and what's his name? The Australian one. What's his chops? The two Aussies. The two Aussies.

Oh, is it Hugh Jackman? Huge Jackman. Huge Hugh Jackman? Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. Yeah, Wolverine. And do you like the stage? Have you seen the stage? Christ, no.

Are you kidding me? I can't think of anything worse. One more. I get it. It is like a genre and it stays like that Bellowing Bellowing, half singing, half talking, half singing Shut up And I wouldn't mind, I am a huge history nerd

The French Revolution The causes of the French Revolution The causes of the French Revolution, the aftermath of the French Revolution, the Napoleonic Second Revolution, and all fat, the restoration of the crown, and then the Third Republic. Fascinating! Fascinating! And they made it

boring! How do you make the French Revolution dull? Oh, and then when the peasants start singing in the background. No, no, no, no, no, no. Is that, do you like musicals? Is there a musical you like?

There's hundreds of musicals I love. Oh, okay. Probably my favourite thing in the world is just, is those sacred days between Stephen's Day, Boxing Day, to New Year's. The merineum, that special time.

Yeah? Me, my family. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Treats. Sound of music. Oh. My fair lady.

Chitty, chitty, bang, bang. Come on. Oklahoma. South Pacific. I could dance. That's right dance These are masterpieces Yes You know, on the town These are all amazing, amazing musicals

You know why? You can sing along to them You can do that Musicals when men winked when they sang La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, It makes sense. It makes sense. So do you have a different song? Is it the song that you hate is from Les Miserables? The whole thing. The whole thing. Because we need you to pick a song for your...

Oh, the song? No, no, no. No, no. See, I hate Les Mis so much that I've refused to ever learn the name of any of the songs. Yeah. So, no, the song that I really hate is from... is by a 1980s band called Berlin.

And it was the theme song from... What was the Tom Cruise movie where he flies a plane so he isn't gay? And Top Gun. Top Gun. There you go. Top Gun. Because sexuality only goes up

to the speed of sound right and then you're truly free to be operating like he is it's from that

it's from the original Top Gun the song's called Berlin and it's called Take My Breath Away oh yes of course

beautiful song god I hate it so much from the minute it starts from the The song's called Berlin and it's called Take My Breath Away. Oh, yes. Of course. God, I hate it. Beautiful song. God, I hate it so much. From the minute it starts, from the... I love that. Boom, boom, boom. It must be so hard for you to live your life. If it were just going on at any moment, you could be tormented.

Any moment? Yeah. Do you remember? Listen, there's so many great songs on Smooth FM and Hard FM. There's a lot of great songs. You do a lot of miles on the road with your gigs and stuff.

You turn out here. You can never relax. You can never relax. You're enjoying a bit of Luther Vandross. It's so good. And next thing, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So annoying.

Every day in a bed. So overwrought. Rubbish. It's the end of the night on a dance floor, isn't it? Do you like Top Gun? Not really, no. Don't really care. It does check out. Yeah, I don't really care for it. The weird thing is, I don't like Tom Cruise movies, but I kind of like Tom Cruise. Yeah.

I mean, he's charming, isn't he? Really? I like his mania. Yeah. I watched, you know what I mean? It's just like, I'm just, I'm not really that interested in his movies. But I watch,

I don't know if you've seen the footage of the last Mission Impossible movie he does he does all his own stunts like a lunatic right which is a sign of madness

like I mean that's genuine you might as well be writing your name in your poo like that's mental what are you doing why are you doing that there's all these dudes

that didn't do well in school will do that for you right all these guys will do that but he does stunts where he he rides a motorbike school will do that for you. All these guys will do that. But he does a stunt where he rides a motorbike off this enormous,

I think it's a fjord. I've seen this. Yeah, it's crazy. Right? Yeah. And then the parachute opens, they take him back down again and the whole,

you know, he's half directing it. There's a director there, a stunt coordinator, all the rest. They're in a tent and you get to see it and you're like

oh my god that is mental Tom Cruise just rode a motorbike off a cliff and then a heli and then the parachute comes out and

then it turns out he does it 38 times are you serious? yeah they just kept doing it until they got the right shot I'm like That's impressive

Yeah Yeah But But the song The song we can't You're torturing yourself Okay finally The island is run over

By the biggest dick Of all the animals Which animal is it? Oh This was the This was actually the question. That was the easiest question for me to answer. Hands down. The koala.

Hands down. Have you ever encountered a koala? I mean, I've seen them. They're so cute. Right. Okay. Right. Okay.

Okay. So where you are right there is... And I am a chlamydia survivor. So I feel connected to them. Right. Yeah, well, they're nasty. They have chlamydia in their noses. Oh, are you serious?

Yeah. That's right. That's what we're talking about here. Okay. Right? They've got upstairs and downstairs chlamydia. How do you do that? Right?

Their noses are chlamydial. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't know. Terrible. So, but see, where you are is, you're like, oh, I've never met a heroin addict, but I really like Leonard Cohen. So how bad could those guys be?

I do beautiful poetry. I've got his book of poems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's where you are. You haven't met a koala. I've got his book of poems. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You see what I mean? But that's where you are. You haven't met a koala. I haven't met a koala. Yes.

Yes. You haven't lent a koala 50 quid. You did that? No. Okay. But a junkie, sure. Why not?

You're never getting that back. They are singly the most disappointing creature on earth. Yeah. Right? Now there's other animals that I dislike more I hate snakes

Yeah I've lived in a jungle with snakes for a TV show I've been chased by one of the most dangerous snakes in the world Are you serious? Yeah That's my worst nightmare Chased Yeah, so it's a chasing snake

A chasing snake? It's's a... A chasing snake? It's called a brown snake. The brownie. It's one of the biggest, most venomous and aggressive snakes in Australia. And it's just endemic in the bit of bush where I'm a celebrity is filmed. Right?

We're all briefed on it, right? And yeah, one day I was coming back from the dunny and there it was, like, blocking my path, rearing up at me. And we were told, like, behind the cameras on I'm a Celebrity, 24 hours a day, living in, you know, you know, Hydes,

our former Australian Special Forces. So they're living there with you. Anything that goes wrong, they're there. Right? They're ready. So we were pretty reassured, right? And this is about two weeks in and it was a brown snake. Just a brownie just blocked my path.

Wait, does it start, it lifts its head up? Yeah, it started getting up towards me. And we were brief. What you do is you put your fist in the air and you shout, snake, snake. Like you're cheering it on. Snake, yeah, yeah. Come on, snake.

Come on, snake. Come on, snake. And, you know I was expecting like it was going to be like the Iranian embassy siege there was just

balaclava men kind of swinging on vines save me yeah no no just nothing

snakes there eventually two dudes want ambling with a potato sack and one of those crooks and at this stage the snake the array where we sleep half it's real half it's fake Eventually two dudes want to amble in with a potato sack and one of those crooks. And at this stage, the snake,

the array where we sleep, half it's real, half it's fake, but it looks all the same, right? Of rockery. It's this rockery, right? Because the fake bits got all sorts of, you know,

the electronics and whatnot and extra mics. Everything's mic'd. Everything's mic'd. Everything is mic'd. So the snake had just gone into the rockery, right? And they went, where is it?

I went, oh, it's just gone in there. I don't know what they're expecting them to do, like have some sort of special snake hoover. They looked in the hole and they went, yeah, it's fucked off. And they fucked off. And I had to sleep. No.

Beside the hole. No, no, I couldn't. Where the killer snake was. I couldn't. Oh. No. Beside the hole. No. No. Where the killer snake was. I couldn't. Oh. Yeah. So nevertheless snakes

serve a purpose. Yeah. And that purpose is killing and eating rats. Snakes love rats. If you ever camp anywhere with the snakes

I won't. Make sure you don't bring any rats in because from like 20 miles away a rat or a snake will taste a rat on the stone

and just go oh snack time they find them absolutely delicious yeah right so it'd be like a Toboggan dance

for a stoner like you're you're walking through the jungle for that but it's still a koala that you picked spiders

kill kill flies and things like that these two creatures I don't like being around but they serve a purpose koalas on the other hand garbage

nature's garbage rubbish like mind-blowingly rubbish yeah I had an account the first time I went to Australia when I was 20 we went to the zoo

all the comedians all these British and Irish comedians like went to the zoo all the comedians all these British and Irish comedians like went to the zoo and me and Sean me and Sean Locke got to hug a koala like

so so ridiculous we were so everybody else like oh it's so spiritual can you imagine

what Locke was like can you imagine Sean Locke with a koala like so brilliant both of us were like just weeping. We got our pictures taken with the koalas.

The two most unimpressed men. But so first, it's about this size of koala. Right? They stink. Oh. But they stink like alleyway stink. Oh. And they're in a jungle.

Like, why do you stink of an alleyway? Why are you stinky? Yeah. Because they're stanky-anky downstairs. Right? Riddled, yeah. They're just... They're like...

They're a medieval poxy whore. They're like... You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? They're like a carnival strumpet. They're like... They smell terrible. But not any sex worker from now. One from hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

Do you know what I mean? So they smell terrible, number one. Nobody warns you. You know, he's Euryn Keeney. This is Oscar. You're like, oh, well. They weigh, like, you know being a parent, right?

It's like, weirdly, your toddler weighs something totally different from when they're awake and they're asleep. Yeah, when they're heavy.

Right? When you put them into the car, they weigh like a quaver because they're just jiggling and wriggling around. You try to get them out of the car back from granny's, you're like,

oh my God. It's like a key, it's an eight kilo bag of Maris Piper. It's like, what's happened here? And that's where they are permanently. They're awake but they're dead weight. And they're put onto you and they've got these nasty old

claws. They've got like tramps feet. They've got four tramps feet. And they just they're put on you and it just goes and it sees you as just more bark.

Right? That's the level that cares about you. Do you know what I mean? They're nasty old claws and they stink and their eyes are they're roomy

skagged out eyes you know because there's so little calorific anything in their eucalyptus leaves they're eating and they're actually, they've devolved they've got less brain

than they started out with. I feel like I've done that as well. Yeah. Yes. There is. That does happen. But, you know, that's, so you've got this skanky, nasty, smelly.

Okay. Terrible. Rubbish. But I have to say, this is in a country of incredibly charming indigenous creatures. Wombats are amazing. They shit squares. That's pretty amazing.

That's pretty cool, yeah. Wombats have the toughest bum in the world. Is their anus square shaped? That's right. They shit squares. That's pretty impressive. They shaped squares. Wow. That's pretty impressive. That is cool, actually.

I feel like that's going to be, like, the next cosmetic surgery or something, is to get, like, star-shaped or something, or heart-shaped. Yeah, exactly. Demonte-shaped ass. Huge right now. It's massive.

You want to go out at Marbella with your round bum hole? Embarrassing. Got your turkey teeth and your Australian bum hole. Got to get your wombat bum. I'm only 23, but I've got mama over 50 or I won't be but there is actually and it just

I hate it everywhere I was on tour in Australia earlier this year and there are two littlest ones are three and seven

and so I wanted to get them like some toys you know just add another plushie to their just army of plushies that you have or three and seven. And so I wanted to get them like some toys, you know, just, you know, just add another plushie to their just army of plushies that you have to sweep

to get a kid into the bed. But nevertheless, you know, Dad's been in Australia, this is where I've been. And there's the koala. Always in every airport. Your enemy, the koala. The kangaroo,

massively overrated. Just a giant, violent rabbit. But I don't mind a kangaroo because it's an athletic, mighty beast. That can box. Yeah, that is cool. That's cool. There's no getting away from it.

It can box. Yeah. Right, so that's cool. The wombat is shitting cubes, right? Koala is always there. Always there, front and centre. Oh, koala. No, no, no.

Okay. Right? What there is, though, is the quacka. Oh, I've seen these. I've seen them on Instagram. Never have you seen them in real life? Oh, yes. I've had an encounter with a quacka.

Wonderful. What a charming little creature. And yet, you can't get for love nor money. Yes, they need to push the quackas. Put the quack out there. It's got a natural smile on its face. They evolved on Rottnest Island off the coast of Perth in Western Australia. So they've never evolved to have any fear of humans.

So when they see you, they skip up to you and nuzzle up to you. And their face is naturally in a smile. Okay. Well, sadly, they can't go on the island. No, exactly. You're stuck with the koalas. But it's that sort of, you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's that wasps are already shit. Yeah. But when you put one beside a bee, right? Yeah. It looks like a wasp, but makes honey.

Yeah. Right? Cute and fluffy. Whereas these arseholes over here are just chewing through church pews and, you know, ruining barbecues? It's going in. Thank you so much, Andrew.

Your island is a terrible, terrible place. I feel like your brain might be at points just trying to walk down the street. But I feel relieved. Yes, I feel like, yeah, I think it's good. It's good to get it out there. Yeah, I don't think being a great co-song it's good It's good to get it out there Yeah I don't think Being a great

Co-songwriter Because that's all he was A co-songwriter And we know that Once he Once Paul left You know what I mean

Yeah And then Yoko was there We can't go back We must look forward We must God I hate imagine I hate imagine so much

just just we'd have one shower that we jerry-built and every morning I'd just have to hear John Lennon whistling imagine

to himself imagine all shut up John shut up John so Andrew what are you up to at the moment where can people find you

well in the world of podcasting, myself and a very funny comedian friend of mine called Glenn Wool have a podcast called Egypts of the World. Right. We are 60,

we've got 63 hours out there for you to enjoy on Spotify. You can enjoy them on Spotify. And it is, every week we review the biggest Egypts of the week. I feel like you'll both be very good at that.

Oh yeah, yeah. A lot to say I think, yeah. We try and celebrate the Egypts. You know, it's not so like none of those humans that I mentioned in this podcast have made it into Egypts of the world because I think they're

worse people. Yeah. Right? Ah, but Gino was in this week. You know, he had a kid in his mid 80s we were like Glenn pointed out

you can always see the roots on Al Pacino's hair Glenn's theory is that he's already dead and it's just dead man hair it's just leaving his skull he's on the Oscars get to your roots Al you're on the Oscars. Get to your roots, Al. You're on the Oscars, man.

You've got Checkout Lady here. Like, what's going on? What's going on? So we're going to follow your podcast, Where's Best to Find You Online. Oh, I'm on all your platforms at Andrew Is Maxwell. I'm on all of those ones.

Amazing. And every week there's new clips of Egypt to the world. And then if you're in the Alps in the spring you can come to our comedy festival Altitude Comedy Festival

amazing yeah there you go thanks so much Andrew you're very welcome