Desert Island Dicks - ANDY BUSH: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

Christmas Special Edition! Our guest for this week is radio presenter, artist and champion of the self employed, Andy Bush. Follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Marc Jacobs perfume gift sets include everything she needs to feel special. From her favorite fragrance plus the matching travel spray. Holiday gifts don't get much more perfect than this. So if you're looking for a gift inspiration these holidays, gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs. Hello and welcome to this Christmas edition of Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today

is radio presenter, Everton enthusiast, and inventor of wearing your school bag across your body with just one strap, Andy Bush. Hello, Andy. Hey, James. Good to be here. Thanks for having me on. No, thanks for coming in. I really appreciate it. Thanks for bringing Everton up right at the start.

This just put me in a great mood for the rest of the podcast. I wanted to set the tone properly. Can you tape over that bit with Tranmere supporter, based on how we get on over the next few days? Tranmere Rover supporter, Andy Bush. Hey! Andy, should we dive straight in? Who's going to be your first person on this Christmas edition of Desert Island Dicks?

Well, seeing as it is a Christmas edition, I'm going to nominate the snowman off the snowman. Oh! Do you remember him? Lovable snowman. He's not lovable, James. This is a problem. It's like a global conspiracy that the snowman off snowman is like a lovable knockabout, cheerful, kids TV

character. He's not. There's an air of menace to him that I feel I need to enlighten the rest of the population to. What have you seen that other people haven't seen? Well, everybody loves him. Everyone loves the snowman bloke, Giza. We don't know anything about his past. I'd probably say heartwarming.

I don't think heartwarming. If anything, direct opposite, he gives me the complete chills. Let's look at the facts, shall we, James, right? First of all, he turns up out of the blue at the back of this kid's house, right? So, weirdly, stands with his back to the kid, like a Poznan type of chant thing, a manoeuvre

in football. So, got his back to the kid the whole time. Really weird. Kid's looking out the window, got his back to him. Weird. Then at midnight, all this sparkle happens and the snowman comes alive. And then the kid lets him into his house while his parents are asleep. Again, this is just facts as to what happens in the snowman. It is sounding weird now, yeah.

Right, think about it. And then the snowman, again, don't know anything about him, he goes through all the parents' clothes, drawers. That's very weird. Tries on his dad's clothes, like, let me dress as your dad. Imagine letting a stranger in and saying, do you mind if I dress as your dad? And then he has a go on his dad's motorbike, which he

crashes in the backyard. And then, just when you think this couldn't get any weirder, and you're literally trying to remember the phone line, hotline for child line of Esther Anson, he holds the kid's hand and they fly up into the sky, and it ends with him taking the kid to what appears

to be a snowman swinger party in a woodland clearing. You've added the word swinger in, but no, I see where you're going with this. That is very odd It's weird It's not acceptable with anyone else They're all drinking

I think the kid gets a drink They give the kid a cocktail I'm sure they give the kid a cocktail Really? Yeah, the lad's off his head in there Is he? And then the next thing The kid wakes up in the morning

Like, oh, her head's absolutely banging Runs to the window And it's just a pile of that bloke's clothes Because I think I don't think it's a snowman I think it's a bloke Dressed in a sponge outfit that you might get at a baseball game.

Like a mascot. Even to the point where, you know the bit that makes me sick about mascots the most is when a mascot's trying to hold its head steady when it walks so it always looks like it's putting its hand on its cheek. Oh, yeah. That's what he does in the snowman. Oh, it's awful.

So next time you sit down there and you're having pigs in blankets or whatever watching the snowman, just think about the malevolence that is beneath the surface. You've painted it in such a different light. Subtext. When you said this,

I thought he's never going to pull this off, but it was just, he breathes through it. I think he does this to a different kid every year. Oh, no. There's thousands of missing children because of the snowman. And no one will believe their stories. Oh, my God.

Maybe all the people that are dancing with him in the clearing, who all appear to be snowmen, are just other kids that he's frozen in ice. Oh, my God. And they've aged and thawed. Oh, God, it's horrendous. It is horrendous. I really don't know.

You've just taken a part of my childhood and frozen it in ice in the middle of a wood somewhere. Well, that's what the snowman did, so it's one-all. My usual tact here is to form some kind of counter-argument, but you're just so solid in your reasoning with the snowman. It's not even an argument, James. It's just the facts. If you were to write down a list of what happens in the snowman,

that is it, as I've described there, even down to the kids being frozen at the end. So you can't really argue it. I remember the bits with the kids being frozen, actually. Andy, who's going to be your second choice for Desert Island Dicks? Now, I hate to bring my dad into this. I'm going to nominate my dad.

My dad's not a dick. My dad's a great guy. He's called Nigel. He's an Everton fan as well. Computer programmer. Top man. But he did something that was quite dickish to me and my brother back in the day at Christmas.

Okay. So I thought this was a pertinent time to bring it back and, you know, have this out right now. Yeah, have it. Ripple, ripple, ripple, back in time type flashback. I was about 10 or 11, maybe, yeah, 9 or 10. My brother's two years younger than me. So we're getting to that age in school

where we're probably just about to stop believing in Father Christmas. Don't want to spoiler alert it for anyone, but about to realise that it's just a kind of, you know, kiddie tale. So getting towards that point. And it's a rite of passage, isn't it, into being an adult or whatever, learning that, oh, no, it's Father Christmas, just, you know, parents mucking about. Anyway, on Christmas Eve night,

my dad decided that rather than letting me and my brother kind of grow up and realise that Father Christmas isn't real, what he decided to do instead was get his flip-flops, put them in talcum powder, that rather than letting me and my brother kind of grow up and realise that Father Christmas isn't real, what he decided to do instead was get his flip-flops, put them in talcum powder, and then walk them up the stairs into like a path into our bedroom. Oh, that's a nice thing to do.

Outwardly seems quite nice, doesn't it? You know, and I've told it to some people before and they've been like, oh, that's quite cute. But really, look at the actual repercussions of this. This kind of solidified me and my brother's belief that father christmas was was real even in the even in you know against someone who argued otherwise because they've been told it by their parents we're like yeah your parents are lying oh my god your parents are part of the conspiracy because it is real we've got actual

evidence which is snow footsteps into the bedroom and this this was like the smoking gun. It was like video footage of a yeti walking through the clearance. Okay, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it made us carry on believing that Father Christmas was true for like two or three years longer than it should have done. Right. And also then once we kind of hit that turning point where everyone was starting to become like 12 or 13, it still got brought up that, do you remember Bushy,

as I was called at school, Bushy? Bushy. When Bushy thought that Father Christmas was real because he reckoned he saw his footprints going up into the bedroom. What an idiot. You're scarred with that then. Scarred for life because my dad did what I think he thought was kind of a kind act, but it just made school life a nightmare.

Paint a picture, how old were you at this time? When he did it, 9 or 10, when they stopped mentioning it at school, even when I was getting into sick form, it was still a thing. Two things for me have continued, persisted through my school career that people have hit me with. First off, Dad and the footsteps going into the bedroom from Father Christmas. Me telling everyone the next morning.

Secondly, middle name Leslie. So if anything, my parents have kind of hit me twice with this. Bang, bang. Andy Leslie. Andrew Leslie Bushenfeld. Wow. And continuing with the Christmas theme, born on the day that this, right now this podcast is going out, the 20th of December.

Ah. Birthday. It's your happy birthday. Thank you very much. The reason I was called Leslie is that the midwife I was born at home, we wanted out now rather than wait to the hospital, and the midwife was called Leslie. Female midwife? Yes. And they decided to just put Leslie in there? Yeah, she could have been called anything,

she could have been Brenda. You could have had Brenda in the middle. Amanda or something. So there you go, that's two reasons why my parents have ruined it for me at Christmas. Amazing. Andy, I really feel like you're opening it up here to a level that I didn't think it was. Yeah, it's like a regression. It is, isn't it? People do have found this quite cathartic in the past. But had it been snowing at the time that your dad had done this? No, it hadn't. There was no snow. It hadn't snowed at Christmas down in Trowbridge,

where we lived at the time, for like two or three years. But as a kid, you just don't add that up. I thought, this is legit snow off the sleigh that's come in from the roof. It's probably still on his boots from the last place he visited that's right I didn't even question it yeah

didn't even question it your brother younger or older younger two years younger okay so that makes it you know if you're working with him

you know you're a little team and he's into it you're also feeding off that he's as equally scarred about this situation as I am so my dad has ruined

both our lives for Christmas that one year in particular so just for one year your dad's going both our lives for Christmas, that one year in particular. So just for one year, your dad's going in? Yeah, he's going in. He's going in for this one. He's a great guy but for this particular activity, I'm afraid he's a dick. How does your dad feel about this story? He's very proud of himself.

I think for him it's one of those, you know, when you have kids, you like to do dad magic which is whether it's separating your thumb, pretending to separate your thumb, pulling a coin from behind a child's ear. But for him, this is the next level up, the next tier of dad magic, is making your children physically believe

that Santa Claus was actually in the house. Yes. Does he know how much this has scarred you? Yeah, because it becomes a thing every year. Right, OK. Nightmare. Have you ever done anything like this for your daughter that might have repercussions in the future? No, do you know what, right?

This is interesting. I don't go overboard on the Father Christmas thing with her. She's seven. She's going to be eight in a couple of weeks' time. But mainly for this reason, because I think I don't want her... She's going to be told at some point there's some real wise guys in her class, right? OK.

Amy's a wise guy, so Amy's definitely going to tell her that Father Christmas isn't real. And I don't want Erin, my daughter, to hold on to the belief of Father Christmas because I've done something stupid like tiptoed past Homer Simpson with little bells on my ankles as if he was a reindeer or something like that.

I don't want her to get into any school strife because of my meddling. Not that what your dad did has affected you in any way, shape or form. No, I'm completely fine. Yeah. Not a problem. Just for one Christmas, your dad goes in there.

And Andy, who's going to be your third dick for your island? Well, I'm going to bring in a group of people, actually. I'm going to nominate anybody who works for the shop Hamleys. Okay. Again, let's keep with the Christmas theme on this. I have never met, and I kind of apologise if you work for Hamleys and Okay. Again, let's keep with the Christmas theme on this. I have never met, and I kind of apologise if you work for Hamleys and you listen to this now,

but I think you need this tough love. I've never met more loaves from a collection of people than the people who work in Hamleys. What are they doing to you? Just these clowns. You must have gone in there and you've seen, the people who work behind the till, fine. I'm talking about those like big kids

who are employed to prat about test the equipment and look like they're kind of kids as well but they're kind of having a fun kind of crazy time but then they're like 30

yeah like 35 with a bandana on so what are you doing mate and they'll do stuff like I have to go into Hamleys quite a bit because it's around the corner from where

we work and I'm quite badly organised, so if I need to get a present for somebody like if my daughter's got a birthday party to go to, Daddy will run the Hamleys like really quickly or my niece and nephew it's their birthday, I'll run the Hamleys on the way back from work. It's a convenience. It's very much

a convenience and also a lot of the times I might be hungover going in there as well. You know what it's like, first thing in the morning, 10 o'clock, might have had a couple of beers the night before. We're all quite crazy in this building, James. Yeah, okay, yeah. So you go in there with a hangover and you're just presented by these guys and girls.

Just like one bloke flew a mini drone into my glasses. Like point blank range. I nearly nutted him. But you can't do anything about it because you look like you're Bar Humbug. You're like you are Scrooge. So you have to just laugh it off and let it happen. Oh, don't worry about it.

Or they're throwing hacky sacks in your crotch or something like that because I just think they need to grow up. They're just absolutely, just do my head in. I think they have a job title that's something like toy demonstrator or toy,

what is it called? Clown. Toy experimenter. Toy experimenter. This isn't big with Tom Hanks. They need to grow up. No, okay. Grow up and get a proper job, the lot of you.

You're an absolute waste of space. Do you think there's two parts to their job? Do you think they do that alongside that they have to slave away in the back room making the toys like a bunch of elves? That would be really... That would make me feel a little bit bad about things, actually, if they were in some way locked in some form of indenture.

That would be great. Like a concrete room. Yeah, and they're all branded. Maybe they've all got... They always wear dungarees and stuff, don't they? Like Super Mario. But maybe the dungarees hide the fact that Hamleys have like branded them and they own them.

Or they've been given like 40 lashes but in a really clever prison way above the t-shirt line since no one knows. That would make me sleep better at night. How do you know about these things? If you're in prison, if you're in prison and you want to punish anyone always do it above the t-shirt line

because then it won't appear when they're walking around during recreation. No one likes the grass. Snitches get stitches, James. Okay. I feel like we may have taken a tangent from Hamleys, but do you think they're probably dressed in Christmas attire at this time of year? I've not been in there. I can only

imagine it's just unbearable. I want to go in there with... My only way I would like to go back into Hamleys is if I was wearing you know, like a proper space suit? Like from Gravity or whatever. It's like... It's just like some kind of exoskeleton armour. And they're outside going,

and I'm just like, boom, punch one in the face. Another one gets to try and get me to, like, have a go at this colouring pen. I'll just go, bam, and just knock him clean over. And I just stomp straight to the front, pay, and then I just get ejected out of there. That is the dream. Amazing.

Hamleys dream, exoskeleton. Okay, okay. The people that work at Hamleys, they go in there. Describe the feeling to me. You're walking to Hamleys on one of these last minute dashes. Try and sum up the feeling before you get to Hamleys. It's normally fear, dread, and trepidation. There before you get to Hamleys. It's normally fear, dread and trepidation. There's a problem with Hamleys as well.

If you've ever tried to go into the Hamleys in central London the door system is so confusing. I always try and go in and out and get in and out of there as quickly as I can. Like Andy McNabb. But they've got doors like you know that picture, I don't know who it's by, but it looks like steps are going up but they're also going

down and water's running down steps that look like they're going up. Oh right, is it MC Escher? Something like that. I don't know who it's by, but it looks like steps are going up, but they're also going down. And water's running down steps that look like they're going up. Oh, right. Is it MC Escher? Something like that. I don't know. It might be. That's a guess. It might be one of his. But that's what Hamley's internal corridor network is like. So you think you've gone in one way, and you think, right, I can get the hell out of here now. I've got

the Pokemon cards that I bought for my nephew. Great. And then suddenly the door's gone. Actually, it's a bit like Choose Your Own Adventure. The door's disappeared, and you're presented with a lad dressed as an orc. Okay. What do you do? Hit orc or run for the exit?

Go back the way you came. Okay, great. That's your third dick, Hamleys. People that work at Hamleys, maybe we'll say specifically at Christmas time. Mainly at Christmas time. Just for this. Okay, great.

Andy, now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you it's your least favourite food and drink of all time. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, least favourite food bar none, and we're going to keep with the Christmas theme on this, is Twiglets. Twiglets, yes. If you

like Twiglets, you have some form of a personality problem. Okay? You're a weirdo. Twiglets are the equivalent of the Keanu Reeves movie, Speed, where if you stop, you die, okay? Because if you eat Twiglets, they're kind of all right. They've got that kind of Marmite eatable taste to them. But if for any reason you stop eating them,

within two minutes you're just filled with horror and self-loathing. Tastes like you've just eaten a tin of Brasso or something. So you've got to keep eating them again. And that's why they're not Moorish, it's just intimidation. Okay. So I find them really weird. They also look really weird as well. Just like, look at, next time you're around at someone's house

for Christmas or whatever, or even your own house, for example, have a look at Twiglets. Just a look at them. They look like the broken legs of insects. Yeah, they do. And as well, they kind of come out at Christmas time, and it's part of this, I think, sort of just gorging at Christmas time culture.

It's like, what other things can we eat? Stuff my face with a bit of this. If you don't eat it at any other time, then I just think knock it on the head. They're just weird. You don't need them. Weird, weird things. And don't let your hands smell.

I don't like anything. I have this, I follow this cult that I've made up myself called knife and forkism. Okay, yeah. Which is for people who don't like to use their hands to eat food. I'll made up myself called knife and forkism. Okay, yep. Which is for people who don't like to use their hands to eat food. I'll eat anything with a knife and fork because I don't like having stuff on my hands when I eat.

Compound coming 2018. I'm the David Koresh of knife and forkism. He is. But Twiglets is up there because it makes your hands all dusty and dirty and disgusting. And it's just, it's not good. Do you regularly wash your hands, Andy? time me too yeah um i don't i don't like eating pizza with my hands because then you've got the powder or the oiliness anyway sorry that's tangent no it's true it's true absolutely that fills me with dread james it really does me too what what are twiglets made of

i don't you i don't know stuff they look like they look like smashed in flamingo legs. Yeah, they do. Spray painted with Marmite. There you go. If you look at the back of a pack of Twiglets, that's the description. They look like smashed in flamingo legs that have just been left to go dead.

Yeah, go all dead and off. Yeah. So, I don't think it's potato. Is it just starch? Is it just like strings of starch covered in marmite? It just... Yeah, I think it is probably that. Actually, can I add in another one as well?

Yeah. While we're on the subject, just if I can take two items of food. What I do, what I do, I'll trade my item of drink for my item of food. So we've got two hateful bits of food. Just have another food. Well, another food.

Those tossers who do a bird within a bird within a bird. Oh, what's that about? It's like turkey inception. Come on. Why do people do that? If you think back to your hands, what must our forefathers think about this? Because imagine six or seven generations back, you're on Who Do You Think I Am or whatever,

and you go back six or seven generations and you've got the old Deacon clan who've just managed to survive the plague or the fire of London, just scraping a living together or just about surviving on what bits of crumbs of bread they can find. Sure. And then, you know, a few generations forward, you've

got so much food that you're sticking one bird up another bird's arse. Yeah. And then another bird up that bird's arse. And they're cooking it. It's unbelievable, isn't it? It's disgusting. Yeah, it is disgusting. It is disgusting. That's just, I've never had it. Have you ever had it? No, never.

I never want it. Could it be a revelation when you eat? I don't know, but it's just unnecessary. Because you must keep in your mind at all times when you're eating it, one of these animals, at least one of these animals, has been stuffed up the arse of the other animal. And that's not on. It's not.

It's not on. That's like almost, I reckon in some countries that's illegal. When was that okay? Yeah. How did you accidentally come across that as an idea? You're not going to like almost I reckon in some countries That's illegal When was that okay? Yeah How do you accidentally Come across that as an idea? You're not going to believe What I did in the kitchen today

What? Come over here a minute Is that bird up that bird's ass? Yeah It's amazing You cook it It's amazing Yeah

Who does I don't know anyone that does that But people do do it Because they do it They sell it at Iceland For like seven pounds Yeah Like someone in a factory

Has put a bird up another bird's ass And you've gone and frozen it and then you've bought it and then you've eaten it. I'm imagining a machine that's just like a metal front with a rod that shoves birds up other birds' asses. Someone's had to design that. Or there's a guy whose job that is and he just goes home at night and just sits there

just with one table lamp and a glass of whiskey and a shaky hand. Just imagine him in his long plastic garb up to the elbow. How was work today, Dad? Just go to your room. I don't want to was work today, Dad? Just go to your room. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah. Just go to your room. Leave me to eat my Twiglets.

Daddy's drinking and he's having his Twiglets. So Twiglets, back to Twiglets just for a moment. Yeah. I've always thought whenever someone's offered me a Twiglet, I always just go, yeah, because always when I'm offered food, I'll just eat it. Quite often, almost always. And I often think to myself,

this would be fine if I was drinking at the time. So it would wash it down, you know. You're not left with that flavour. But never am I in a pub and think, I want to have some Twiglets. Yeah, man, I need some Twiglets. This is it. Twiglets is in that category of food

like pork scratchings or scampi fries where they put them on bar tables so that your mouth is so completely devoid of any moisture that you have to have another pint. Yeah, yeah. But why at Christmas? Okay. Why at Christmas is such a big thing?

I've got no idea. They need to stop now. Okay. Twiglets are there and a bird in a bird. Andy, what is going to be your drink choice? Drink for me is ginger beer. Ginger beer? Never understood.

Why do people drink ginger beer? It's quite nice. It's just absolutely horrible. It's just, it's like screen wash. Why do people drink ginger beer? It's quite nice. It's just absolutely horrible. It's just, it's like screen wash. Why do people drink that stuff? And you can almost feel, if you have a little sip of ginger beer and then stop and just open your mouth,

you can hear your teeth crystallising with sugar. Yes, true. It's so wrong. It's completely wrong for you. I don't mind it as a mixer, with like whiskey and stuff. Yes. That's pretty good.

But not on its own. No, I would agree on its own it's not very good. There's too much going on in there as well, so you need to knock that on the head as well. It's a Christmassy drink as well, isn't it? It's got a Christmassy element to it, so just in moderation. How do you feel about ginger wine?

I've had ginger wine before, I quite like that, although it does make me feel like that might be something you might drink on a park bench. Yeah. Out of a brown paper bag. Yeah, yeah. And just curse at stuff or whatever. So I didn't know that.

I didn't know that connotation until last Christmas. I bought some ginger... Because someone gave me a ginger wine lemonade, and I was like, ooh, this is a Christmassy drink. Yeah. And I brought some into work on the last day. You know, we're not drinking at work every day, but on the last day before Christmas,

people were like, ooh, ginger wine. Why do you drink ginger wine like it was a thing it's got it's got an element of bandaged hand to it i would say yeah i think so but um you know there's another there's another kind of wine which is a great crash it's not even just christmas in scotland it's all year round i can say this because i have quite a few friends from glasgow and they are obsessed with buckfast wine yeah you've read buck yeah. Fortified wine. And basically, it's weird for me because I grew up near Buckfast in Devon, Buckfast Abbey.

I don't know if the monks make it or whatever, but it's really, really strong wine that I would never drink it. My friend from Scotland, when we were in America, used to have this drink called Calamucho, which was Buckfast wine with Coca-Cola. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to look at him like, what are you

doing? You're in America, you can get whatever you want here and you're making something that I wouldn't even clean the engine of my car. It's so weird, what are you doing? Buckfast wine, it has an insane amount of caffeine in it. So if you drink

it the next day, the hangover is unbelievable. I think if you drink Buckfast wine, it's like a power-up from a video game. You're turbo-blasted. Oh, yeah. Big time. We went to Edinburgh, and we went to a Buckfast, like, a Buckfast bar. Why do they love it so much? I don't know.

Where did this connection come from? It's so weird, because it's a tiny little abbey in rural Devon, and it couldn't be further from Scotland, and suddenly they're just mad about it yeah answers on a postcard please do yeah tweet in and let us know come on scots okay um ginger beer anything else on ginger beer no i just think that's pretty much it it's just like a can of sugar uh it doesn't taste right and it's just a mix basically you're drinking a mixer you wouldn't go into a pub and go, I'll have a pint of tonic water, please. Yes, yeah, no, okay.

Don't drink a can of ginger beer on its own. My girlfriend's pregnant at the minute, and she's actually craving ginger beer. So we have to have ginger beer in. But she has, like, a ginger beer with a bit of ice and some lime in it, right? And that's what she likes to drink at the minute. That's just the flavour that she needs.

All of this, everything that is said here has got the proviso, if a pregnant woman likes it, right? And that's what she likes to drink at the minute. That's just the flavour that she needs. All of this, everything that is said here has got the proviso, if a pregnant woman likes it, let her have it. It's just easier. Don't argue with it. Don't question it. No, yes, of course. But if she needs a bird and a bird and a bird, let her have it. Okay, great.

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Andy, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Have you ever sat through a film where everybody around you is rolling around with laughter, loving it,

and you're sat there going, I don't get this. Yes. I don't understand why is everyone in fits of hysterics. And that film for me is Sausage Party. Sausage Party. I've never seen it but I know what it is and I was quite tempted to go and see it.

It looks good. If you watch the advert, the trailer or whatever, it looks really good and it's about this animated kind of thing about items in a supermarket come into life yes so imagine if when you close all the doors

in the supermarket all the little all the veg come alive and have an argument with the sausages and the baked beans so I think that's quite fun and it is just the most

rank crass awful thing and I took my other half Katie to go and watch it a terrible day Sunday night half empty Odeon

in Wood Green watching Sausage Pie and we're just everyone else was just dying of laughter and we were just looking at them it was the closest I've come to horrible date, Sunday night, half empty Odeon in Wood Green watching Sausage Pie. Yeah. And we're just, everyone else was just dying of laughter and we were just looking at them. It was the closest I've come to walking,

I've only walked out of one film in my entire life. What was it? And that was Moonwalker by Michael Jackson. Oh, right. Do you know when he released that awful film?

Yeah. Went to watch it at the cinema in Payton and we just couldn't, it was just nothing like we thought it was going to be. And it has bits of concert

and then bits of, is that right? Is that the right film? That is the closest I have come to walking out of a cinema because it was that bad.. And it has bits of concert and then bits of... Yeah. Is that right? Is that the right film? That is the closest I have come to walking out of a cinema because it was that bad. Oh, wow. Absolutely. And to tell you another thing, actually, just another film I can just chuck in the mix because I literally watched it last night. Having seen

loads of brilliant reviews of people on Twitter saying it was great. Baby Driver. Have you seen Baby Driver? No, I need to watch that, but is that bad? Awful. Absolutely awful. It's just like, it's like a... You know when you go to the cinema and there's a musical advert for a local jeans company? Yeah.

In Devon it was like Western Clipper Jeans and it was a homemade local advert and it'd be like a guy slipping his wristwatch on whilst the lady he slept with last night's still asleep. And his shirt's off and he's ripped. Shirt's off. And he jumps down the canopy of an awning of the coffee shop downstairs and bounces straight into the open top bit of his Lamborghini Shits off. Yeah. And he jumps down the canopy of an awning of the coffee shop downstairs and bounces

straight into the open top bit of his Lamborghini and speeds off. Yeah. Baby Driver is that, but for two hours. Wow. Okay. It made me angry. Did it? Yeah, it was like a derivative kind of lock, stock and two smoke and barrels. Right, okay. Awful. But, yeah, okay.

Paint a picture for the listeners. What are your favourite films? A couple of your favourite films. Interstellar. Great film. It was a great film. Yeah. Really weird one for me with Interstellar. I went to...

I did the school run in the morning and the cinema was opposite my daughter's school. So my daughter's only, like, seven or whatever. Yeah. Dropped her off, went to go and watch the early showing of Interstellar. Really emotional film, especially because there's a lot of, like,

father-daughter stuff in there as well. And then when I came out of the cinema, I kind of took a look at the school, and for some reason it all just kind of, all made sense, and it all came crashing down on me. And I actually had, like, a little blub. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to hide to have a cry. This is honestly true. I had to hide to have a cry in the doorway of the YMCA in Crouch Hill. And then the weirdest thing is, and this is also true, and this is awful, as I was just finishing up my sob,

just like, come on, but you put yourself together, like rubbing my eyes and water and tears and everything, I looked up and a load of little kids from my daughter's school were looking at me through the railings. Oh, no.

As the school looks out onto the Crouch End YMCA and they must have just went, why has that guy just come out of the cinema and cried in a doorway and then just carried on walking? Or worse, why has Erin's dad cried? I know, that's Erin's daddy.

Actually, weirdly enough though, right, in that film, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but there's a bit where Matthew McConaughey's character, he can't communicate with his daughter because he's in a different parallel universe with her. So she's there and he's trying to communicate with her, but

she can't hear him or anything. He's just waving. And after I did my little sob, I walked further down the side of the school, and like I said, it was lunchtime so the kids were out playing. I went to, I saw my daughter in the yard, and I waved. So I waved at her and her little group of friends in the corner. Waved and waved and waved, and none of them noticed

me. And I felt like, oh my god, maybe I've gone into a parallel universe. That parallel with the film, unbelievable. Well, actually, what it was was just me getting used to the fact that at a certain point as a dad uh with kids they don't want anything to do with you anymore because you're not cool and the last thing they want in a million years think back to when you were at school would you want your dad to come and wave at the fence when you're on lunch break not when you're with your mate exactly it'd be like son peter and the cockerel never heard of him mate never heard of him mate yeah no idea yeah um quickly back to sausage pie yeah um what was it about sausage pie that upset you The cock crawl. Never heard of him, mate. Never heard of him, mate. No idea who he is, mate. Yeah.

Quickly back to Sausage Party. Yeah. What was it about Sausage Party that upset you? Really weirdly, I'm not a prude at all. I'm all up for boisterous language and stuff like that, James, as you well know. I know you. I've called you a cunt loads of times. You're full of shit, mate.

Yeah. Bleep that out. Okay. But it was really, really, really gross. Just like, there's like an American type of comedy that is like, I guess you would call it gross out. And it just goes over that line. It's like sexually disgusting. And I found myself

almost with a straight back and holding further and tightly onto my cane and top hat in there. Yeah. I got really British about the whole thing. It was just a bit too far. Yeah, it was just a bit like, bleh, and I'm not really into bleh. I prefer stuff that's a bit, kind of got a bit more to it.

Vulgar for the sake of being vulgar. Exactly. Yeah. It was a great, that's what was so frustrating about it, a great potential concept for film, thoroughly wasted. Oh, wow.

10 to 15 years time, we're all a little bit older, someone remakes it, what could they do to improve? Just get a completely new writer in and write some funny jokes. There's no jokes in it. This is the problem now

with a lot of films these days, especially comedies, which seem to be a lot less likely to hit the mark, is if you watch the trailer, you watch all the funny bits. Right, yes. All the funny bits are in the trailer.

How many times have you watched a film's trailer and think, actually, to be fair, that does look hilarious, and then go and watch it in the big screen, and it's just like, oh my God, All the funny bits are in the trailer. How many times have you watched a film's trailer and think, actually, to be fair, that does look hilarious, and then go and watch it in the big screen, and it's just like, oh, my God, all the funny bits were in the three minutes I watched before I put Predator on the other night. Right, OK, it's like they're...

Not that you'd be watching Predator. Or Predator would have modern movies. Why would you be watching the trailer of Predator? That's a really good point. There's too many problems with that story in that, obviously, Predator is an old film. Why would it have modern films on as its trailer? And why would you be watching Predator?

You've probably seen it loads of times. But anyway, you know what I mean. No, but it's like the people that are making these films are happy to chuck away all of the good bits just for you to buy a ticket. It's like, yeah, let's hook him in with a couple of good jokes in the trailer. I tell you what, for example,

A Million Ways to Die in the West. And that is a film by Seth McFarlane from Family Guy. And I thought, Family Guy's really funny. He's really funny. This would be a great film. Trailer looked great. Went to watch the film. Absolutely awful. And then I had to go and interview him for the radio station

and pretend that I liked it. And deep down I just thought, mate, this is terrible. I almost want to like, you can do that thing you do in Towie where you chuck a glass of water on someone. Have some of that, mate. Didn't he have something to do with Sausage Party? Or am I mistaken? No, I think you're right.

I think you might be right. Didn't he produce that or similar? You might be right, James, in which case there's just some kind of connection. Seth MacFarlane is at the root of maybe the demise of modern comedy. Who knows? Google it in your own time, because that may not be a fact.

It's an interactive podcast, this one. Andy, what's going to be your song choice? I'm going to choose for something terrible, and this is particularly heartfelt for me because obviously I'm a radio presenter on Absolute Radio, and I have to play this a lot all the time, but I think

the audience deep down know I don't like it, and that's Queen. Anything by Queen. Queen are the worst band in the world. Any Queen? Any Queen song. That is controversial. They are awful. Awful. I can't even think of a Queen song that I even think is alright, let alone, you know, brilliant. No.

It's just Brian May with his stupid, like, hairdo, which is like a stack of smoke. You can't see that when you're listening to Queen. I can, I can. I can see it right now, close my eyes now. You can think of him, there he is. And then Freddie Mercury, and then the drummer, I don't know the rest of their names,

and the bass player, and I just think I hate everything about them. The bass player's name's John Deacon. John, is it? It's my dad's name. Oh, my God. I know, he's my dad. This is so bad. Can you tell John fromacon. John, is it? It's my dad's name. Oh, my God. I know. He's my dad. This is so bad. Can you tell John from me, like, no hard feelings?

And this is the thing. If I ever met him or ever had to interview him, I'd be like, oh, I love your album. Absolutely brilliant. But just in a cowardly way, I just never really got into... I just think Queen, for me, is like just naff, isn't it? Yeah.

Okay, I mean, Freddie Mercury, arguably one of the best singers. No, he's not. Really? No, he's not. He's an incredible singer. No, I don't Freddie Mercury, arguably one of the best singers. No, he's not. Really? No, he's not. He's an incredible singer. No, I don't even think he is. What are you hearing that other people aren't hearing?

I just think he overdoes it. If he was on The X Factor now, they'd be like, hey, mate, cut the warbling down. Keep it simple, Fred-mate. Freddie. Um... I feel you're not going with me on this one, James. I'm not a huge Queen fan, but I feel like you're wrong.

I'd say you are a Freddie Mercury, aka Barry Bulsara, apologist. I feel like you've been waterboarded with Queen so much that it's had an effect on you. Yeah, no, I mean, that's probably true. I think the hatred of Queen was always there, but I've had it kind of like, that wound has been opened up by multiple plays of it

over the years at Absolute Radio. It's going to reach a tipping point where I don't know what's going to happen. What about Freddie Mercury's performance? No. Come on. What did I play the other day? Is that song I'm Going Slightly Mad? Have you ever heard that by Queen?

The station can get a bit niche sometimes. I do. Yeah, we play loads of great stuff. I like all the stuff. I think it's good to be quite honest about things. I play a load of music so that the audience like it. If they listen to what I liked all the time, I'd have about 25 listeners.

Sure, yeah. So you need to be broad, and there's loads of them that love Queen, but music itself is about saying boo to that or yay to this, and that's the fun of music, is saying, I think it's great. No, hold on a minute, that's crap. No, I think it's brilliant.

And the argument, that's the whole bit that gets me into music. think it's great, no, hold on a minute, that's crap, no, I think it's brilliant. And the argument, that's the whole bit that gets me into music. Yeah, for sure. Okay, I'm not going to go home and put Queen on, but I can see the good in that. If you love Freddie Mercury so much, James, why didn't you marry him?

Because he's dead, Andy. That's a very good point. He died, didn't he? Andy! And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Undoubtedly, the biggest dick of the animal kingdom is the cat. Oh! It's true. Come on.

Go on. Modern society as we know it now has gone stupid about two different types of animals. Cats and dogs. The world has definitely gone dog stupid to the point where I think human beings are nicer to their dogs than they are to other people as well I would agree and you know

you think why don't you actually start being nice to other people first before you buy your dog like a 16 pound lunch but cats at least dogs

give something back you know dogs are spoiled and they have an elevated position in the structure of society but they give something back they'll bring you back a stick.

They'll come and check on you in the morning. A dog would nudge me over, I imagine, if I had some form of an incident, and then maybe push my mobile phone towards me with its nose. Yes, okay. Like a 999 or casualty or something like that. Would a cat do that for you? Would it fuck?

No. A cat would happily take stuff from you all day. A cat is just taking you for a ride. You'd be on the floor and it'd come and do a shit by your face. It wouldn't be interested at all. A cat is taking you for a ride. It's an abusive relationship. I thought we won the evolutionary race.

Do you remember that? Human beings, homo sapiens, we won the evolutionary race. Have a think about that the next morning, and you're getting up to go for work, and you're setting the stuff up for your cat, making sure the food's all ready for it, maybe setting the timer on the little slow release button so that it's dinner pops up at four o'clock if you're not back yet,

and it's fast asleep with spread eagle on your bed. How do we win? We're working all day. How do we win that? And they're just taking the mickey. I mean, if you keeled over tomorrow, cat owners, genuine bit of God's honest truth now, if you died tomorrow,

your cat wouldn't even think twice. It'd go next door and take food off them instead. It's not interested. It would step on your cold, dead face just to get a bit more salmon or whatever they eat. And it would eat you. It would probably eat you. It would probably eat you.

Totally. Eyeballs down. Yes. What I will say about cats and dogs though, cats kind of, apart from feeding them, they kind of sort themselves out. Dogs, they're very needy. Well this is it, I've been tempted a couple of times over the past

year actually for us as a household to get a dog because we live by the sea now. I was thinking, oh that'd be quite good. Although there's one shop in Leon C where I live, which always kind of reminds me in a good timely fashion that I'm not ready for a dog yet. And there's a dog grooming place and on the side of the window

it shows all the services it offers. And one of them is anal gland draining. And I think if you've got an animal you've got to book in. Imagine booking in for anal, imagine paying for anal gland drainage. Okay, that'll be £52, please. Okay, fine, not a problem at all.

If you've got to drain an animal's anal glands. Also, you know, like, what did dogs do before that anal gland draining was a thing? Oh, they just had their bulging anal glands. That's just awful. But surely people have gone years without draining their anal glands. I know, I mean, I hate to end the podcast

on this particular message, but I do think it's something worth thinking about over Christmas draining their anal glands. I know. I mean, I hate to end the podcast on this particular message, but I do think it's something worth thinking about over Christmas, if you can. I know. How did dogs drain their anal glands before the people on the London Road in Leon C offered it? Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. Have a great meal.

You want more gravy with that? Go on, a bit more gravy. Yeah. Get that bread sauce out. Get it down, yeah. Okay. Dip your twiglets in it. So cats are going in.

And an island overrun with cats is going to be a nightmare. Imagine that squealing and howling. The noise and the skittishness. Rabid cats, yeah. It would just do you edit. Did you have pets growing up? Yeah, we had a cat. We had a dog.

Goldfish, waste of time. Budgie, waste of time. Gerbil, waste of time. Would you say your cat and dog growing up were a waste of time? Yeah, I think so. I think our dog, we had one really good dog called Murph who was named after the drummer from a band called Dinosaur Junior. Oh, great.

Great band, great drummer. Yeah. He was a good laugh. Just keeled over with a heart attack though. He was King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. And they, I didn't, we obviously didn't read this in the user handbook you get for King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, but they got like really weak hearts. Oh. So they only lived like, I don't know this in the user handbook you get for a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. But they've got, like, really weak hearts. Oh.

So they only live, like, I don't know, like, eight or nine years. And he just, bless him, he just keeled over. Cat-wise, they've come and gone. We had a cat called Leah, named after Princess Leah. Nice. And I've had a couple of rabbits. Nevin and Sheedy, named after a couple of Everton players. Okay, great.

But no pet for me has ever been, like, brilliant. Oh, brilliant. Definitely going to get one of them again. But it's more the people nowadays, the way they're treating cats and dogs. Yeah, I think it's the fact that people treat pets. If you go to, you know, you can look on people's Facebook page posts and stuff like that. Some people think their animals are like human beings. And that's mental.

Yes, and I've said to people before on this podcast, I feel like people follow these kinds of things just so they feel like they're a part of something. Yeah, completely. And it's quite empty, and then they've got this cat and or dog that they're picking the shit up of just to be part of this little clique and have a cat in their banner on Twitter. I know, everyone, that's the thing now, isn't it?

Have a little bit of a photo of your cat, call him a silly name like Mr Tom DeFoodle or something like that, and then make him a character. Give him his own flipping, you know, Twitter handle or whatever. Yeah. Wake up. Yeah. Wake up. Smell the cat piss. Yeah.

Wake up and smell the cat piss before it's too late. Well, Merry Christmas, everyone. We hope you've enjoyed this heartwarming message. Yeah. Andy, thanks for joining us today for Desert Island Dicks. It's been a pleasure. And Andy, if people want to hear more of you, where can they hear you? They can hear me on Absolute Radio from

one till four in the week, or the Indie Disco, Saturday nights from five. And what's your Twitter handle? My Twitter handle is atbushontheradio. And Andy is an artist. Yeah. Yeah. You create pictures. Do you want to give a synopsis of your...

Yeah, I would love to. I'm trying to raise funds, right? If you've listened to this and thought, John, Bush sounds like a really good bloke who I'd like to help out, and we can be friends forever, I'm trying to raise enough support to get a book of my pictures published. It's called Celebs at Home. Basically, I'm drawing celebrities doing

household chores. So, for example, Paul Weller defrosting his freezer. Elton John reaching down the back of the couch to look for pound coins because he might be going to do the big shop. And then imagine a book of them, but they're going to print it if we get enough pre-orders. So, if you're interested, check on the website Unbound and look for Celebs at Home,

or just have a look on my Twitter handle, at Bush on the radio. Support the book. I'll be your friend for life. Yeah, excellent. Craftwork putting out the bins. Genius. Oh yes, thank you. It's one of my finest moments. Excellent. Thank you very much, Andy. It's been a pleasure. Thank you very much.

Bye.