Desert Island Dicks - ANDY DAWSON: END OF YEAR SPECIAL 2018

Episode Date: December 29, 2018

FINAL DICKS OF THE YEAR! My guest for this end of year special is broadcaster and podcaster, Andy Dawson. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more inform...ation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:26 or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to the final Desert Island Dicks of 2018. The show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today
Starting point is 00:01:06 is writer, podcaster and broadcaster, you might know him as Ronnie Hot Dogs, but his real name is Andy Dawson, and he's joining me today. Hello, Andy. Hello, James. Thanks for inviting me along. No, thanks for coming in to do the podcast.
Starting point is 00:01:17 So I've invited Andy along to do the final podcast of the year, and we're summarising 2018 in dicks, right? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I listened to a few of the back catalogue we're summarising 2018 in dicks, right? Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, I listened to a few of the back catalogue episodes to get a feel for the podcast, and everyone else that's done this has had kind of their entire life to draw upon
Starting point is 00:01:34 and all of their experiences they've had, and then you've got me in just to do 2018, and I thought, why does James hate me? Why am I restricted to just 12 months of a calendar year when everyone else just gets so much else to choose from? I mean, there's been a lot of dicks this year. There has. There has.
Starting point is 00:01:53 I've done my best. I've seen some of your choices, and I think you've done very well. I think I've done all right. It's exciting, yeah. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I think you're the right guy to do this. I might well be.
Starting point is 00:02:04 I've got previous in sort of like righteous anger. You have, yes. I did that get in the sea thing. I think you're the right guy to do this. I might well be. I've got previous in sort of like righteous anger. You have, yes. I did that get in the sea thing. I know you did, yeah. It was great. You made a book, right? I got a book out of it, yeah. I got a little bit too into it. It got a little bit addictive, kind of picking out people and things that deserved to be chucked into the sea.
Starting point is 00:02:20 And in the end, I just had to step back from it and try and be a better person be a more balanced well-rounded person because it was just becoming too much um you are me probably in a year's time looking back at this podcast right I think like I'm probably in a year's time I'm going to say actually no I need to do something a bit more wholesome yeah yeah uh Pete Donaldson was on this podcast a little while ago and he said, soon, James, you're going to turn around and do Desert Island Dudes. Yeah, that would be nice people.
Starting point is 00:02:48 Yeah, I mean, it was quite weird trying to pick people because it took me back into that get in the sea sort of mode. Okay. And I realised that I'm not as angry as I was sort of three or four years ago. Okay. Life's not so bad these days. Yeah. But I soon got back into it. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:03 As you'll find out. I'm going to force your hand here 40 minutes or so yeah okay uh auntie so let's dive in who's gonna be the first person first one i've picked is nigel farage nigel farage and i mean you could you could have applied this to any year for the past decade really but nigel farage is the perpetual fly in the ointment of um of the political scene and you know as know, as Brexit, you know, sort of creaks towards its inevitable conclusion, whatever's going to happen, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:03:29 it could be Theresa May's deal, it could be no deal, it could be no Brexit, we don't know. But Farage is always there. He's a fly in the ointment. And he's literally got nothing of value to say. He's just this irritant. He's kind of been, I mean, this will be damning him with praise, really, which he'd probably like, but he's kind of been I mean this will be damning him with praise
Starting point is 00:03:45 really which he'd probably like but he's been the architect of the whole Brexit thing over the years and but he's got nothing to offer
Starting point is 00:03:53 he appears regularly on all the news outlets oh he does yeah because he's got fuck all else to do and he'll just at the drop of a hat
Starting point is 00:04:00 I think there's a certain breed of media commentators who kind of circle around the centre of London they might be on bikes or tandems I don't know
Starting point is 00:04:09 they might be in those those things that you sit in and someone's like the rickshaw yeah they might be in one of them and as soon as a call
Starting point is 00:04:16 comes in from fucking Sky News or Five Live they're there they're there within ten minutes ready to go yeah and they're in the studio
Starting point is 00:04:23 talking shit for fifty quid because they've got nothing else to do and just contribute nothing to the greater good. I mean, Farage, he's a chancer. He's a weasel, a slippery bullshitter. Yeah. I mean, he's basically, what he is, he's a fucking spiv.
Starting point is 00:04:42 If this was the Second World War, and God knows we're not far off, if this was the Second World War, he's the kind of fella who would have almost certainly evaded being called up to fight and actually be involved. And what he'd be doing, he'd have some dubious excuse about some medical shit, like Trump's got with his bone spurs
Starting point is 00:04:59 when he had to go to Vietnam and end up not going. Farage would come up with something, probably his lungs, because of the amount he smokes. Yeah, yeah. And instead, he'd be going around pubs in London selling nylons and bananas. Yes. He'd be one of those fuckers.
Starting point is 00:05:13 Exactly, yeah. Slippery chancer. Yeah. And it's always been there. You know, there's stuff from his past where his teachers at school were worried about his far right, let's say fascist leanings. He was caught once striding along the street singing
Starting point is 00:05:29 Tomorrow Belongs to Me, the Nazi anthem from Cabaret. Really? And there's a letter in existence written by one of his teachers which says that I'm very worried about Nigel and his far right tendencies. Yes, I think I've seen that actually. Yeah, I mean, let's not beat around the bush. Farage is a fascist. Oh, yeah what he is totally he's a fascist in sheep's clothing but he's a fascist yeah um and what he's done in sort of bringing about brexit and and the stuff
Starting point is 00:05:56 that he did that helped you know leave to win the vote i mean he's tied up with all of the dodgy shenanigans involved in the electoral spending and all the Facebook ads and all that, which actually led to them winning anyway. And the fact that it's still going through when it was clearly a crooked enterprise is something that fucking angers me on an hourly basis almost. But the thing that he's done,
Starting point is 00:06:19 it's the leave win has emboldened racists in this country. Totally. It's brought them out of the fucking, out from the bushes where they were hiding. They were always there. Racism never went away, but we gradually kind of chipped away at it through, for want of a better phrase,
Starting point is 00:06:37 political correctness, which kind of pervaded society over the last 25, 30 years. And political correctness, at the end of the day, it's just being nice. It's good manners. Political correctness isn't, it's made to sound like it's a bad thing, but it's not. No, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Starting point is 00:06:50 Exactly. Yeah, it's a good thing. It's being tolerant and fair. Yeah. But these racists, they were still there all the time. They were always there, quietly seething, having their opinions that they weren't, they knew they weren't allowed to express,
Starting point is 00:07:01 but they still had them, and they probably expressed them quietly amongst themselves, you know, in far dark corners in pubs and among their families and all this kind of thing. But Brexit's just kicked the lid off it all. And they're all out again and they're all emboldened and proud. They think they're in the right, they've been given that. Yeah, if they think that the Leave win equals racism is back
Starting point is 00:07:21 and it's all right to shout at black people on buses and Asian people in the street and then you get these videos on Twitter where people have filmed these racist outbursts and they're becoming
Starting point is 00:07:30 more and more prevalent and you know the race hate figures are up ridiculously since 2016 and it's just
Starting point is 00:07:40 normalised racism yeah it really is and Farage is at the actual absolute centrepiece of all of that. I think you put it so well by saying he's in sheep's clothing because he wants to portray this image.
Starting point is 00:07:52 He's like, I'm one of you. I'm the man of the people. Look, here I am with a pint in my hand in a pub. But he's not at all. He's a dangerous, dangerous character. He reels against the establishment. He's the fucking establishment. He used a dangerous, dangerous character. And he rails against the establishment. He's the fucking establishment. He used to be a city trader.
Starting point is 00:08:07 He's been an MEP for God knows how long, going over there, not contributing, not turning up to the European Parliament, collecting the money, racking up his pension. He's going to be all right once we leave the EU because he'll still get his MEP pension. He's the establishment but he gives off this impression that he's not.
Starting point is 00:08:28 And I was originally going to choose Piers Morgan. And then I got thinking about it and I thought, Piers Morgan, for everything that he is, you know, I don't know, I don't want to use the word cancer. Is he a cancer on the
Starting point is 00:08:43 media and society? He's just a byproduct of all this. Yeah. Because this whole thing, and social media has led to all of this as well. Oh, totally, yeah. It's amplified it completely. So everyone is now just desperate to get attention and Piers Morgan is all part of that
Starting point is 00:08:57 and it's all part of this binary politics that we've got now. Are you this side or are you that side? And both sides are just going rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah to each other constantly. politics that we've got now. Are you this side or are you that side? And both sides are just going... to each other constantly. And Nigel Farage just seems to be, as I've said, at the absolute centre of all of this.
Starting point is 00:09:13 He's always part of it and he's like... It seems like he's at the helm, but who is allowing this to happen? It's just like stations like LBC that give him airtime on a weekly basis. Guys, come on. Those media organisations that I spoke about. The problem is, another problem that we've got,
Starting point is 00:09:30 here we go, another problem that we've got is that there's too much fucking news. There's too much rolling news. We don't need 24-hour news stations. When I was a kid, we had the 6 o'clock, the 9 o'clock, and you got 10 minutes of dinner time. And that's all you need. You don't need to know everything
Starting point is 00:09:42 because nothing's happening most of the time. And all you get is is you get these dickheads like Farage and on the other side dickheads like Owen Jones constantly leeching off the media and just amplifying their own personas
Starting point is 00:09:53 by constantly doing these things and talking and filling this this bag of hot air that is rolling news that doesn't need to be there and doesn't need to be filled. No, yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:04 Absolutely not, yeah. And it's gotten to this point now that they just need to fill it and doesn't need to be filled. No, yeah, absolutely not, yeah. And it's gotten to this point now that they just need to fill it so they'll just give them a chart. They're like, okay, we'll get them on because they're a name. Do you know what I mean? It's because they're good value. Yeah, because they're good value. Yeah, and because they're local and they'll pop in and do it.
Starting point is 00:10:18 But the problem is it's everywhere. It's like, so I've got the rolling news on at home, right, and I think, oh, I'm sick of this, right? So I switch it over, put a countdown on, and then I look at my phone, and then I'm on Twitter, and it's just constant rolling news again. Yeah, exactly. Of just hate, loads of hate, hate, hate, hate, constant hate.
Starting point is 00:10:37 And we're all addicted to it. We all just feed into it constantly. I was on it before you got it, and as soon as you leave on the train, I'll be on it again. Exactly, exactly. The number of books I've read the train, I'll be on it again. Exactly. The number of books I've read in the last few years has just dropped dramatically. Oh, yeah. Because I spend so much time looking at Twitter. But getting back to Nigel Farage.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Yes. Do you remember that plane crash in 2010? Yeah. During the election campaign. Imagine if he died in that. Yeah. Imagine how different the whole British political scene would be today if Nigel Farage had died in that plane Yeah. Imagine how different the whole British political scene would be today if Nigel Farage had died in that political scene. Now I'm
Starting point is 00:11:07 not saying, I'm not wishing him dead or anything. That would be awful. Yeah. But just imagine if the fucker was dead. I'm not wishing it. No. I don't want Nigel Farage dead but imagine if he was. Yeah. Can you imagine it? It wouldn't be like it is now, would it? A different place. If he died
Starting point is 00:11:24 in that crash. Not that he should have done, because that would be a terrible thing to say. I'm imagining you as like a really sinister Marty McFly. You go back to 2010. Yeah, you're picturing if I had a time machine, I'd go back and kill Hitler. No, I wouldn't go that far back.
Starting point is 00:11:44 Actually, I can imagine you go back to 2008, right, and get your pilot's license do it all yeah take one for the team yeah right that's it
Starting point is 00:11:50 yes but as I say I'm not wishing he was dead no of course just imagine if he fucking was oh my god I don't know if a sentence
Starting point is 00:12:00 as cutting has been said on this podcast it's a pretty hateful podcast okay it's been a rough year it has I can see it in your face with a sentence as cutting as has been said on this podcast. It's a pretty hateful podcast. Okay. It's been a rough year. It has.
Starting point is 00:12:10 I can see it in your face in moments there. Andy, need I ask, is there any more on Nigel Farage before we put him on the island? That's pretty much all I've got. I mean, there probably is. I could probably do two hours on him, but let's just leave it at that. Take that, 2018. Let's leave it at the air crash,
Starting point is 00:12:24 and let's just think about that. Think about how it could have been. That's true in your mind. Okay, Andy, thank you very much. Now, who's going to be your second choice? The second choice, it's not an individual, it's a group of people that have become increasingly prevalent
Starting point is 00:12:39 and I don't get to go out much. I'm 46 and I've got two kids. I don't have much of a social life, but if I'm going to go out, I'll go to a gig. Yeah. And I'll go watch a band. And I don't really go and watch new bands. I'm not ashamed of that.
Starting point is 00:12:52 I'm 46. Yeah. I tend to watch the bands I've loved for the last 30 years. I'm wearing a Steely Dan T-shirt. They were around before I was listening to music, but I've got a ticket to see Steely Dan in Glasgow in a couple of months. Nice.
Starting point is 00:13:03 I've got to see Steely Dan. I went to see Paul McCartney the other night. Nice. That was one of the things I felt I should do because I love the Beatles and I've never seen McCartney, so I went to see Paul McCartney. This year, I've been to see,
Starting point is 00:13:13 who have I been to see? I've been to see Pixies. Oh, yes. I've been to see New Order. Yes. I've been to see some really good, big gigs. Yeah, yeah. And they've all been ruined.
Starting point is 00:13:22 Every single gig I've been to has been ruined. Why is that? Gig talkers. Gig talkers. Gig talkers. When did this become a thing? These fuckers. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:31 These fuckers who think, and gig tickets aren't cheap these days, James. No, no. When I was a lad, I'm going to keep saying this, I'm going to keep saying when I was a lad and back in the day and all this, and I'm sorry,
Starting point is 00:13:42 but back in the day, I used to go and see bands like, I used to go and see pixies in 1989 and the ticket will have been about seven pound fifty oh yeah and now it's it's the thick end of 50 quid oh yeah and if you're gonna spend 50 quid for a night out each and there's a few here and you're gonna spend some of that time when the band you've paid that 50 quid to see are on stage and you're going to have a fucking conversation with your pals while they're playing that music that you've paid to see. You should be removed from
Starting point is 00:14:11 that space at the very least. You should possibly be tasered. You should possibly be put in maybe chains and tied to a radiator for a couple of months. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:14:27 There's lots of things I can think. But it's now, it's at the stage where, and you can't say, kind of say to them, shut up because they take it fucking badly. And it could get violent. No, yeah. There was a fight with Paul McCartney the other night. I saw a fight at a Paul McCartney gig.
Starting point is 00:14:43 And I was right at the back in the cheap seats, level three, right at the back upstairs. There was a fight between two young lads. It might have been about gig talking. I don't know what it was about. But it kicked off. It might just be a Glasgow thing. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:14:55 I love Glasgow. It's my favourite city. But there was a fight at a Paul McCartney concert. Oh, wow. And I didn't think that's something I'd ever see or seen. That's crazy. I wonder what it was about, gig talking. I'd like to think it was, yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Who was their favourite Beatle? I'd like to think it was about gig talking. Somebody was talking and was told to shut up. But it's tricky because a lot of the time these people who talk at gigs have probably had a bit too much to drink and that's why they feel a bit loose-lipped and they feel as though they're entitled
Starting point is 00:15:23 to talk with their mates. Particularly if it's a new song from the band and they don't know it, they're like, I'll just talk through this one. Right, yeah. Fuck you. I've paid 50 quid to come and see Pixies or New Order or whatever. I want to listen to them. Their name's on the ticket.
Starting point is 00:15:38 Whoever you are, fuck face, your name's not on the ticket. Yeah, yeah. There's always someone in your vicinity. Do you know what I mean? It's not like there's always someone in your vicinity do you know what I mean it's not like there's always someone there is always someone that feels like
Starting point is 00:15:50 it's absolutely fine to do that you find yourself positioned where you're going to stand and you think right I wonder where they are is it going to be him there at 7 o'clock
Starting point is 00:15:57 will it be him at 3 o'clock is it going to be someone behind me at 12 o'clock is it that person that looks like they're on their own but is their mate going to come back
Starting point is 00:16:04 with a beer in a minute and then start? And then the conversation will ensue. Oh, man, it just does me, Eddie. It winds me up as well, yeah. I mean, like, I love a good gig. And especially, you know, if I understand right, you get to the new songs and people are like, okay, this is my moment to go to the toilet,
Starting point is 00:16:20 if they're not bothered. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. I'll go to the bar, whatever. People might think the same thing about, like, gig talking. They're like, okay, oh, that's fine. I'll go to the bar, whatever. People might think the same thing about gig talking. They're like, okay, it's a new song, no one's going to care. But I've paid the ticket, right, and this is the band's chance for you to discover their new stuff.
Starting point is 00:16:35 Yeah. And you're like, actually, no, yeah, I do want to hear this. Yeah, exactly. And it's not up to you whether this is the moment to do whatever. Go to the toilet is fine. Yeah, that's all right. But that doesn't give you free reign to start having a chat.
Starting point is 00:16:46 Even if the new song that they're doing isn't very good and you don't like it, I still want to hear it because I'm paid to hear it. I don't want to listen to you, you prick. Especially if it's like a 50 quid ticket. Yeah. Fucking hell.
Starting point is 00:16:56 I mean, another gig I beat recently, last weekend, I went to see Madness. Oh, yeah. A Madness gig is one of the most joyous experiences you'll ever go to. Everyone comes out of a Madness gig with a massive smile on their face. Everyone's beaming. It's brilliant. Mad madness gig is one of the most joyous experiences you'll ever go to. Everyone comes out of a madness gig with a massive smile on their face. Everyone's beaming.
Starting point is 00:17:07 It's brilliant. Madness gigs, fantastic. And I went with a bunch of mates. There was like seven of us. And I'm the only one that regularly goes to see madness. And the others were almost kind of like, ah, let's just stay in the pub. We're not bothered.
Starting point is 00:17:18 I'm like, no, come on. We're going. We're all going to see madness. So we went. And in the end, they were all bouncing up and down. They loved it but during the first song a couple of them
Starting point is 00:17:27 started talking and I took the chance and I turned around and I said shut the fuck up right shut up don't be that person who talks at a gig
Starting point is 00:17:35 and I could do that because they were my mates and they took it in the spirit it was intended and they did shut up but it was very cathartic getting to do that the release
Starting point is 00:17:43 yeah I felt like I was saying it to every other fucker that's ruined a gig for me throughout this year it was very cathartic. Yeah, that's nice. Getting to do that. The release, yeah. Yeah. I felt like I was saying it to every other fucker that's ruined a gig for me throughout this year. Yeah. I was very, very forceful with them. Oh, it's nice. Yeah. But yeah, gig talking needs to be, I don't know, criminalised.
Starting point is 00:17:56 I've got some questions for you. Go on. What about phone using? Like if someone's taking pictures, videos, are you taking pictures and videos? Yeah. That's a different category. That a similar offense yeah um that that generally doesn't seem to happen quite as much someone will take a picture and then they'll put the phone down yes and there's
Starting point is 00:18:14 only so long you can stand and hold your phone and do a video for yes okay that that doesn't annoy me quite as much as the talking does no because it's just i don't know whether i think if you're excited right and you're capturing the moment and it's like right this is this is amazing right now what i'm witnessing is like exactly what i paid my money for and you want to capture in a picture i think that's absolutely fine at a moment uh it was a few years ago now it must have been about four or five years ago i was at a gig at the roundhouse and i was watching elbow yeah elbow playing and i was loving it it was such a good gig and uh they played the song mirror ball and out of nowhere this huge mirror ball comes down right from above the stage and the whole place is lit up yeah amazing right and uh so i
Starting point is 00:18:58 was like right i'm gonna get a quick video here i'm with my girlfriend and everyone is like phones out and they're like this this is like, an unexpected, beautiful moment. So I start doing a video, and the lady next to me was like, are you not going to start, are you not going to put your phone away and start watching the gig?
Starting point is 00:19:12 And I was just like, in a split second, she must have been about, she could only have been about 10 years older than me, maybe like 15 years. But in a split second, I said,
Starting point is 00:19:21 I said, oh, sorry, mum. And she just like, immediately, woof. She just stopped, and she just like, looked at sorry, Mum. And she just, like, immediately, woof. She just stopped and she just, like, looked at me in fear. And then she turned to her husband and then she told him, obviously, what about what I just said?
Starting point is 00:19:34 And he just started pissing himself. It was perfect. And I just felt really, like, you know. Yeah, that's an exception, something like that. When something happens that you want to, I mean, at the McCartney gig the other night, he did Live and Let Die, and there were explosions and fireworks and all sorts of shit going on. And if I hadn't been right at the very back, kind of next to where a fight was going on,
Starting point is 00:19:54 I might have videoed it. But there's no point because I was too far away. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I mean, that is a crime in itself, the phone use in gigs. But it doesn't bug me as much as talking does. And that's been something that's been something at every gig I've been to this year.
Starting point is 00:20:12 It's just irritated me. And do I stop? What do I do? You know what they should do? I was thinking this the other night in McCartney. I was thinking they should have a thing where people can connect by Bluetooth to the sound desk output through their earphones.
Starting point is 00:20:27 If they've got Bluetooth earphones, put your earphones in, connect to the sound desk through Bluetooth, then you can hear the direct output from the sound. Your eyes are widening here. It's a genius idea, isn't it? It's a brilliant idea. And it right-cats all the gig talk, and you can only hear what's coming out of the PA system,
Starting point is 00:20:43 and that's got to happen hasn't it if Andy honestly like I might say do you want me to remove this from the podcast that is such a good idea you should try and do it as a business yeah because someone listening to this might say oh actually I know someone that could maybe you know I'm a sound engineer and maybe that's the thing that could because then you could have it at your own volume I'm sure someone's done it already I mean silent discos are that similar sort of thing. That silent disco technology has to be applied to gigs where there's a Bluetooth connection you can connect to
Starting point is 00:21:12 and you can just hear the gig. If you were visually impaired, you could have someone on it that sort of helps to describe what's going on on stage as well. That audio description thing you can get on TV shows as well. There you go. Andy, you're onto something yeah
Starting point is 00:21:25 someone else I'm sure somebody else is already doing this it has to be I don't know okay gig talkers because they've really affected your 2018
Starting point is 00:21:33 yeah they have have you always gone to a lot of gigs I always have yeah I don't go to so many now because I don't know it's a lot of money
Starting point is 00:21:41 these days sounds like you're almost one a month there yeah I get more than I used to I think but it's it's really expensive yeah money these days. Sounds like you're almost one a month there. Yeah, I get more than I used to, I think, but it's really expensive. Yeah, it is. And as I say, I'm irritated by the gig talkers. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:52 And I should go to more new bands, but I generally tend to just go to bands I've been into since 1987. Yeah, I think that's fine. Okay, gig talkers is going to be your second choice, thank you very much. And who's going to be your third choice? Third choice, this man beggars belief, as's going to be your third choice? Third choice.
Starting point is 00:22:08 This man beggars belief, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, yeah. He's the, I don't know if he's a billionaire or just someone with lots of millions. Elon Musk. Elon Musk. Elon Musk. What has that mad bastard done now? Well, there was one incident this year
Starting point is 00:22:21 that just epitomised what Elon Musk is is about and it was when there was those 11 kids that were trapped in the cave in thailand yeah yeah and uh you know there were the rescue attempt was underway and some some divers were going in through the caves and diving down through the water and out again to the to the bit where the kids were and taking them out one by one and it was something it took them like three days to plan it because the tide was going to come in. It was like, we've got to do this in a certain period of time and we've got to do it right
Starting point is 00:22:51 because if we just get this wrong by any kind of degree, these poor kids are going to drown or starve to death or whatever. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. And it was, you know, the world was on the edge of its seat waiting for this rescue attempt. And along comes Elon Musk with... I should paint a picture of who Elon Musk is. He's a millionaire who...
Starting point is 00:23:11 He's a space explorer. He's pioneered electric cars. He originally started off, he invented PayPal. That's where he made his money from. Did he? Yeah, that's where he got his money from. He invented something I think was called X.com and it then mutated into PayPal
Starting point is 00:23:24 and then he sold PayPal to... I think it was called x.com and it then mutated into PayPal and then he sold PayPal to, I think it was eBay, bought PayPal and then he made, he's then kind of used his millions to kind of piss about basically. And he's also, he's developing the Hyperloop thing, which is that's the high speed tunnels like on the ground that can get you from Edinburgh to London in like 30 minutes or whatever
Starting point is 00:23:46 this is the future apparently really it sounds a little bit shady to me but anyway getting back to thailand elon musk with his brain working the way it was he um he set his geniuses about to devise some kind of rescue vehicle that could get these kids out and he delivered it to the rescue scene um by which time eight of the kids had already been rescued there was only three of them left and the rescue team said thanks for your efforts elon that's great unfortunately uh the vehicle the vehicle won't be suitable because it won't go around corners down in the cave system it's just too big to get into where the kids are and everything but you know thanks for your efforts and all that musk then responded by describing one of the rescuers as a pedo
Starting point is 00:24:29 oh i remember that he did and i think legal action has ensued since then quite rightly i hope so yeah i remember that pretty sure the fella isn't a pedo yeah um and it's just it's just that kind of toxic male entitlement that Musk has got. He's got more money than sense he's trying to develop all kinds of batshit ideas that are supposedly going to make life better but it kind of feels like he's just
Starting point is 00:24:58 this twat with a toy box and he's just trying to piss about in his spare time. I was doing a bit of reading about him, and apparently, this tells you what kind of a man he is. During his wedding dance to his wife, who I believe he's no longer married to,
Starting point is 00:25:13 this could be indicative of why. During the wedding dance, he leaned into his wife and he whispered in her ear, I'm the alpha in this relationship. Oh! What? Oh, my God. The ring is on your finger i'm the alpha in this relationship mrs musk oh my god and you know that's crazy there's another thing that he's done as well
Starting point is 00:25:39 he set up a company he's really into tunnels like hyperloop things a big tunnel and he set up a company called the boring company which isn't what you think it would. He's really into tunnels. Like the Hyperloop thing's a big tunnel. And he set up a company called the Boring Company, which isn't what you'd think it would be. It's about boring tunnels everywhere. So he started digging tunnels everywhere for this underground tunnel network he wants to build up. Now, to me, a psychologist could have a field day with that in psychosexual terms.
Starting point is 00:25:58 You've got this man with these massive drills and he's drilling holes into the planet. Yeah. Humans are not enough for him. He wants to fuck the world. Yeah, I think you're probably holes into the planet. Yeah. Humans are not enough for him. He wants to fuck the world. Yeah, I think you're probably right. Elon Musk. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:09 He's the alpha on this planet and he's going to fuck you. I think so, yeah. I'm the alpha in this relationship with the world. So that's Elon Musk. He's the kind of guy you expect. He's just one or two steps away from flipping and becoming a movie villain. Oh, totally. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:26:25 Yeah, yeah. Have you seen the episode of The Simpsons with Hank Scorpio? Yes. Yes. Where Homer Simpson gets this new job and he moves to a new town and his boss is Hank Scorpio and everything's brilliant. And it turns out Scorpio is a dastardly villain. That's it.
Starting point is 00:26:38 And I think that Elon Musk, it sounds like the name of a dastardly villain, doesn't it? You couldn't write it. It's unbelievable. It's all set up. To think that he could just be like, right, okay, I'm going to wade in here because I've got all the money and save these kids.
Starting point is 00:26:52 And then just not look into that, but then be so upset by the fact that they didn't use this thing, that he didn't do enough research into how it would work because he'd never been to the place and checked out how it was going to work. And then just be like, pedo. It's all about him.
Starting point is 00:27:07 Never mind about the kids that need to be rescued and the fact that it'll get done the best way possible just because his little fucking boat's been knocked back. The way they've had success with eight already. Elon Musk. I mean, surely it's
Starting point is 00:27:23 going to get more ridiculous right it can only get more ridiculous yeah he's one to watch put it that way he's on my 2018 list but he's one to watch
Starting point is 00:27:33 as well for 2018 yeah okay yeah one to watch for the future yeah definitely he's only going to grow in dick size
Starting point is 00:27:38 he's already built the biggest dick to fuck the world yeah he's only going to get more dickish okay so Elon Musk is going to be your
Starting point is 00:27:44 first choice you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners to fuck the world. Yeah. It's only going to get more dickish. Okay, so Elon Musk is going to be your bird choice. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements
Starting point is 00:27:56 or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-s-y-n ads.com now mercifully among the records of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why they said about
Starting point is 00:28:15 2018 again it's narrowed down james because you hate me um it's worst for i mean i'm a huge fan of food and drink um it's very hard to choose this But I was on holiday in Cyprus In the summer Just me and my two kids In Paphos in Cyprus And there was a restaurant there I did the TripAdvisor thing
Starting point is 00:28:36 Where I looked online to see what's the most popular restaurants And one of the most popular ones was a French restaurant I thought I've never been to a French restaurant before Let's give it a try, let's go along And looked at the restaurant. I thought, I've never been to a French restaurant before. Let's give it a try. Let's go along. And looked at the menu and I thought, oh, frog's legs. I've never had frog's legs before. Did you?
Starting point is 00:28:51 Yeah. And I thought, well, why not? Life is there to be enjoyed. You know, things are there to be tried. Let's give frog's legs a try. And to my surprise, my son, who's only 10, he was quite happy to try the frog's legs as well. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:01 So we got the frog's legs. And I remember people always say frog's legs tastes a lot like chicken right yes yeah i've heard that yeah so i thought all right fair enough and so the frog's legs came and uh they look like frog's legs you know they look they look it's what you what it says on the tin that's what you'd expect. And I tasted them, and they were nice. Oh, nice. They were in like a kind of a little bit of garlic oil. Oh, nice. They were nice.
Starting point is 00:29:30 They did taste like chicken. Oh, good. And then I thought, this is a bit like chicken wings, really, but at three times the price. Right. So what am I getting out of this? Yes.
Starting point is 00:29:40 I thought, I'm eating chicken wings here, basically. I'm getting the same taste of chicken wings, but I'm paying through the nose for the fact that they're from frogs. Why can't frogs taste like frogs? I want frogs to have a different flavour to chickens. How disappointing, then. It kind of was. I thought, while I'm doing this, I'm trying it for the first time
Starting point is 00:29:57 because I want to try as many new things in life as I can before I die. So why not try frog's legs? And they tasted like chicken. And I just thought I could have just had chicken wings. That's disappointing. It's kind of like, you know, when people say that human flesh tastes like pork. Right, okay.
Starting point is 00:30:14 I just think, why can't human flesh taste as something different? If I'm going to go that extra mile and get into cannibalism, which I'm not planning to do, not anytime soon, but if I am going to do that surely humans could taste like something
Starting point is 00:30:27 have a unique flavour so you know you're getting something a bit different yes you're right what would you like it to taste like it would have to be it's own thing it would have to be it's own thing you can't have a comparison it's got to taste like human flesh
Starting point is 00:30:41 and frogs legs have got to taste like frogs so frogs need to book their ideas and come up with a new flavour comparison it's got a taste like human flesh and frog's legs have got a taste like frogs yes so frogs need to book their ideas and come up with a new flavor that's exclusive to their to themselves yeah i mean that is disappointing because you're like you you want you want to experience something new yeah fresh right yeah so i'd have five out of ten for frog's legs i think and that was the most disappointing culinary experience i had Until a couple of days later when my kids went, can we just have pizza tonight?
Starting point is 00:31:08 You know, we're in sight wrestling, all these lovely restaurants doing home-cooked food. Beautiful kebabs on skewers and all this kind of thing. Lots of different meats. Mezze kind of like, all that sort of stuff.
Starting point is 00:31:18 All that sauces and dips. All the flavours and all of that. And they were like, can we just have pizza root? Did you have it? We did. We did. all the flavours and all of that and they were like can we just have Pizza Hut so we did and it was like 10 times worse than UK Pizza Hut because obviously Pizza Hut's a franchise across the
Starting point is 00:31:34 globe, they also have different standards in different countries and Cyprus Pizza Hut, I'm sorry if you're listening and you're a Cyprus Pizza Hut franchisee fucking book your ideas up because it's not good enough. No. So your worst food experience of 2018,
Starting point is 00:31:50 frog legs in Cyprus. Yeah. Andy, what's going to be your drink choice? This is a quite recent one as well. Yeah. Sainsbury's have done, for the festive season, they've launched pigs in blankets tea. You're shaking your head. This is not good. They've also launched sprouts in Blankets tea. You're shaking your head.
Starting point is 00:32:05 This is not good. They've also launched Sprouts tea, Brussels Sprouts tea. Come on. And I'm a massive fan of Pigs in Blankets. Yeah. If you look at me physically, you can see that's the kind of man who enjoys Pigs in Blankets.
Starting point is 00:32:18 Yes. And not just at Christmas all year round. That's the kind of man who's got a deep freeze in his garage and he puts Pigs in Blankets a year deep freeze in his garage and he puts pigs in blankets a year's worth in at christmas and he just picks his way through them as the year goes are they doing them down the asda yeah yeah so um i thought i have to try this and uh i looked at the ingredients and i thought well this is gonna be like bovril surely it'll be what are the ingredients well i thought it would be like pork extract in the same way the bovron is beef extract
Starting point is 00:32:45 and you know water yeah yeah but it's a little tea bag and it's it's Lapsang Souchong okay which is one of them
Starting point is 00:32:53 one of them fancy teas nice okay and it had a bit of rosemary in it as well I think right the ingredients you'd get in stuffing
Starting point is 00:33:01 yeah yeah yeah okay not that there's any stuffing in pigs in blankets because it's just sausage and bacon. And it tasted like shit, James. Not literally like shit, but it was awful. It was minging.
Starting point is 00:33:17 Why have they bothered? I don't know. They've done it. It's a hit and run. They're getting some sales from it. People are going to go, oh, mugs like me are going to go, I'll pay a quid for a box of pigs in blanket tea. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:28 And then you try it and you go, fuck that. It goes in the bin and you never drink it again. So they've lost out, they've lost some goodwill. But they've made a short term gain. Short term gain.
Starting point is 00:33:37 It's a hit and run tea scenario. It's kind of like, right, I want to try that and while I'm in here, I might as well do my shop. So you get like, you know,
Starting point is 00:33:44 50 quid's worth of stuff because you just go around and you're just like right actually I need milk I need bread I need butter and you just like
Starting point is 00:33:51 fill up a basket and you're like oh actually yeah I'll do that. All for that and then you come away and you're like that fucking tea.
Starting point is 00:33:57 I mean if someone had given me frog's legs and then I had to wash it down with pigs in blankets tea I'd be murderous. I really would.
Starting point is 00:34:05 Yeah. I mean, so they're doing sprouts tea as well. Sprouts tea, I've not tried that. No, it's rubbish. I tried the pigs in blankets first, and I thought I'm not going to go back and indulge them further. I don't like sprouts anyway, so. No, okay, yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:17 Why would you have it in a tea? Exactly. So, fuck that. Do you enjoy a lot of sang-su-shong? First time I've had it, to be honest, James. First and last. Yeah. Pigs in blankets tea.
Starting point is 00:34:30 I mean, what would be better as a tea? What would you like to see as a tea? Anything. Is that bad? In theory, pigs in blankets tea sounds nice. Yeah. Because, you know, I was applying that Bovril logic to it. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:44 I went to watch Sunderland play last Saturday and I got myself a Bovril logic to it I went to watch Sunderland play last Saturday and I got myself a Bovril before the kick off because it was a freezing cold day and it's what you do
Starting point is 00:34:50 at the football you have a Bovril when it's freezing because it warms you up and Bovril's lovely yeah it's nice and I thought it would be kind of
Starting point is 00:34:59 down the Bovril road and it wasn't it was just shite oh man and never again. Okay. So that's my choice for...
Starting point is 00:35:07 Pigs in Blankets T, 2018. Worst trick of 2018, yeah. Thank you very much, Andy. And we'll have some more after this. Andy, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.
Starting point is 00:35:21 It has your least favourite film of 2018 and your least favorite song what are they and why okay well again this has been tricky because you've just narrowed me down i know i'm sorry you haven't given me my entire life to choose from and i haven't seen that many films this year um especially not in the cinema but the one that stands out i think was probably um hotel transylvania 3 hotel transylvania 3 Hotel Transylvania 3 Hotel Transylvania it's it's are you familiar with
Starting point is 00:35:49 the franchise? I am yeah but I've got kids and I think my daughter has a cup I think there's cups this is the third one just by the title itself you feel as though this is beginning to become a tired series of films.
Starting point is 00:36:05 Three. This was the third one. The second one was all right, but the third one just left me empty. Yeah. Listless. Nothing in it. Well, the main plot was kind of centered around a romance
Starting point is 00:36:19 between the main character and a human figure. Okay. Because obviously there's the vampire thing going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were on a cruise ship. I'm struggling to remember it, to be honest. Okay, yeah. And I just thought, this is aimed at
Starting point is 00:36:35 kind of like 8 to 12 year olds, let's say roughly. Do they want to see a romance in a film? Nah. Is that what they really want? Nah. It was what I would have described as, when I was a kid, it's what I would have described as when I was a kid. It's what I would have described as soppy. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:47 And there's too much of that going on. The jokes in it were fucking awful. The good thing about so many kids films now is that the writing is so good and so sharp
Starting point is 00:36:59 and there's so many gags that are in there that the adults get. I love that. And they go over the kids' heads a lot of the time but the adults get them. I love it. I mean, the Lego movie and the Lego Batman movie are up there with some adults get. I love that. They go over the kids' heads a lot of the time but the adults get them. I love it.
Starting point is 00:37:05 I mean, the Lego movie and the Lego Batman movie are up there with some of the best films ever made. Never mind best kids' films. Yes.
Starting point is 00:37:12 They are so good because the writing is so good. The gags are brilliant. Hotel Transylvania. Oh, it stank. Really? Oh,
Starting point is 00:37:18 so bad. So bad. Was Hotel Transylvania 1, was that good? I enjoyed the first one. Did that have good gags in it? Some. I don't, probably better than 3.
Starting point is 00:37:30 3 really stood out as a stinker. It really stood out. 2 was alright. I hope they don't make 4. There's no reason to make 4. It's the kind of thing that they just like, because at any given time, right, adults take kids to the cinema, right and you know there can't always
Starting point is 00:37:47 be a good film every week no no so they i've slept through quite a few yeah that way so like they find like a little gap and they're like right okay we'll release it here because it doesn't look like anything else is going to be released yeah and people will go and see it because they've got to take their kids to some give the kids something to turn up at the cinema yeah they need a scenario where their kids are going to shut up for an hour and a half. Yeah. Somewhere. And it needs to be in a cinema. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:10 Yeah. In the dark. Yeah. That's where it needs to be. Forcing sweets into their mouth. Somewhere where I can force sweets into my own mouth. Yeah, exactly. In the dark.
Starting point is 00:38:19 And have a nap. And have a nap if I want. Which is what I can do. I mean, any other year you would have got the Angry Birds movie out of me. Yes. You would have got the Emoji movie out of me. Oh, yes. This, thank you as well.
Starting point is 00:38:29 What was that other one? The Moshi Monsters movie. Oh, God. I never heard of that. I get flashbacks of the Moshi Monsters movie. Moshi Monsters was an online thing a few years ago. It was like an online community. Right.
Starting point is 00:38:39 And it came and went within about two years. It was wildly popular at the time, and there was a £35 a year subscription for the parents to pay to access this thing. And I think it was a company quite neat where we are now in Wall Street and they cleaned up. They did, didn't they?
Starting point is 00:38:54 And then it died. It might still be going, I'm not sure. I've never heard of it. Moshi Monsters, yeah, and they made a film as well. And I had a big old nap during that one. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:02 Yeah. Had a right sleep. Yeah. You pay extra for the big seats if they've got them so you can have a nice sleep. Take a pillow in with you. You know that thing of smuggling sweets into the cinema? Which you don't have to do because they don't care.
Starting point is 00:39:13 You can bracelet them up with your sweets. Smuggle a pillow in up your jumper or something like that. Nice, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or a cushion. Hotel Transylvania 3. Yeah. Thank you for the heads up. I will steer clear.
Starting point is 00:39:23 Avoid. Okay, thank you very much, 2018, for Hotel Transylvania 3. And what for the heads up I will steer clear avoid okay thank you very much 2018 for Hotel Transylvania 3 and what's going to be your song choice song choice is a compilation album that came out last month
Starting point is 00:39:33 oh yeah and it's called 80s Symphonic yeah talk to me about 80s Symphonic yeah what it is
Starting point is 00:39:39 I'm looking at the blurb here it's basically they've taken 15 classic 80s hits they've used the classic 80s hits. They've used the word in the blurb iconic, which is the most fucking overused word around at the minute. If you want to put a word in for 2018, iconic
Starting point is 00:39:53 is the word. And there's songs in there like Let's Dance by David Bowie, Take On Me by A-Ha, Vienna, Ravox, Small Town Boy, Bronski Beach, some 80s classics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I grew up as a pop fan in the 80s, and some of these songs are not sacrosanct, but
Starting point is 00:40:10 very dig it to me heart. Small Town Boy, it's a great song. Yeah, and what they've done, they've just slathered some strings over them and tried to, I don't know what the word is, sophisticate them up or legitimise them by adding classical music to them. Yeah. And it's dog shit. Okay. Itise them by adding classical music to them. Yeah. And it's dog shit. It's absolute dog shit.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Why would you bother? Why would you bother? Exactly. You've got some great songs there on that list. It Must Have Been Loved by Roxette. I'm not a fan of that, but I'm sure a lot of people are. But why put strings on it? I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner.
Starting point is 00:40:42 Lovely song. Yeah. Don't put strings all over it. No, yeah. Just need them. What was it? I don't see the point, right? I'd rather just get a compilation album of the songs
Starting point is 00:40:52 put together and someone's like, here's some iconic songs in inverted commas. Here's a playlist of iconic songs. Great. Thank you very much. Job done. Yeah, they sound great. I'll stick them on in the car.
Starting point is 00:41:04 But it's the conclusion of a genre that's kind of infested culture over the last few years this classification of modern music yeah i think it started with hacienda classics yes where people will go and sit in fields in the summer and watch these string quartets or whatever playing along to eight to eight state tracks yeah and all that kind of thing loads of acid house classics classificated while sitting down and eating their john lewis hamper yeah because they're all in their 40s now and they don't go raving anymore but it gives them a memory of when they used to and but it makes them feel like they've grown up and they've matured because there's some prick with a cello playing it instead.
Starting point is 00:41:46 Yes. No. No. No, I say. No. And I think that started it, and there's more and more of that kind of thing happening now where there's a Beach Boys album has come out
Starting point is 00:41:59 which has been fucked about with strings and a Roy Orbison one. And it's everywhere, and it's a fad. It'll pass. But right now it's boiling me piss and it needs to stop. I've got no problem, right, of a songs with strings in. That's fine. Songs with strings in, fine.
Starting point is 00:42:16 A band playing their songs currently with strings also, I think, is okay. Yeah, as long as the original song has been designed and written and recorded with strings in. Lovely. Exactly. Sounds great. Yes, beautiful. But this seems unnecessary to me.
Starting point is 00:42:32 They've just basically slapped some strings over the top of the original songs and they don't need them. It says in the blurb, blah, blah, blah, recorded over three days by the 50-piece London Studio Orchestra in the legendary Studio 2 at Abbey Road.
Starting point is 00:42:47 Now, what they've done there is they've done it in Abbey Road to kind of legitimise it and give it some kind of kudos. Yes. Because, oh, well, it was done in Abbey Road, so therefore it must be a worthwhile artistic endeavour. No, I'm sorry, you could, you know, slaughter cattle in the Abbey Road 2 studios. That wouldn't make it right, just because you've done it the Abbey Road 2 studios that wouldn't make it right
Starting point is 00:43:05 just because you've done it in Abbey Road yeah you know you could commit all kinds of crimes in there and you couldn't say oh I've done it
Starting point is 00:43:12 in the Abbey Road studio so I think you see that it is legitimised and it is sophisticated and therefore valid no music in the second studio
Starting point is 00:43:21 yeah I mean this isn't I mean cashing in. Exactly. It's just like, don't cash in on someone else's work. You know, it's just...
Starting point is 00:43:32 I'm sure that the bands involved have all consented to it. Perhaps they haven't. Perhaps the company own the rights and they've just done it anyway. But it's... I listened to a bit of it earlier on and it is grim. What is it like? Is the original version in there at all? Yeah, it's I listened to a bit of it earlier on and it is grim what is it is it like is the original version in there at all
Starting point is 00:43:48 yeah oh it is it's just the original version there's been a bit of tweaking but they've just slapped some strings on the top at various points within the songs
Starting point is 00:43:56 I don't think you need to be doing that it's not I mean go and listen to it on Spotify I will I'll give it a blast
Starting point is 00:44:02 do not fork out money for it really don't encourage these fuckers. I'll find it somewhere for free and have a look-see. Oh, right. Okay. 80s Symphonic. 80s Symphonic.
Starting point is 00:44:12 I mean, just get the original. Yeah. Okay. Pay it the respect it deserves. Thank you very much, Andy. 80s Symphonic. It's going to be your song choice of 2018. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of the animal
Starting point is 00:44:26 from the year. Which animal is it and why? It's me, dog. Why is it your dog? I feel awful doing this. Why? It's me, dog. Well, again, I'm restricted to 2018.
Starting point is 00:44:38 You are. There aren't evil animals of history that I could choose and put in. It's got to be an animal that's affected me directly in the last 12 months. oscar the dog is the one that affects me directly on a daily basis is a is a cross between a shih tzu and a chihuahua right now shih tzus are quite nice friendly they're quite energetic dogs nice okay they're lively but they're not too annoying. But if you imagine a Shih Tzu, but inside that Shih Tzu is a Chihuahua working the levers. Okay. Right? Now, we know what Chihuahuas are like.
Starting point is 00:45:10 They're shivery. They're yappy. Yeah. They're irritating. They cling to their owners like a limpet. They're not my kind of dog. Let's just say that. And I've got this Shih Tzu, and inside the Shih Tzu,
Starting point is 00:45:25 there's a Chihuahua working the levers and controlling the thing. He's needy. He follows me around everywhere I go. I mean, he's a rescue dog. So he was a year old when we got him. He might well have had issues from his first year of life.
Starting point is 00:45:39 I don't know what kind of home he came from. And he is a bit nervy and a bit jumpy, but that could be the Chihuahua in him but he follows me around everywhere i go if i if i get up to go and get something from the kitchen he'll come and follow me to see what i'm doing and he um he's got no spatial awareness if i sit down on the sofa he needs to be sat right next to me cuddling into me oh no you need some space i need some space i I need some space. I'm like, come on, mate. It's got to the point now, if I want to sit on the end of the sofa,
Starting point is 00:46:08 I'll start off sitting in the middle and then he'll take up his position to my left. Nice. And then I gradually move along into the space where I originally wanted to sit. So I create some space between us and he doesn't know. It's mind games.
Starting point is 00:46:18 I'm playing sofa mind games with this chihuahua shih tzu thing. Like I say, no spiritual awareness. He seems to know innately exactly which point I'm intending to walk into in the room and he'll put himself in there. Yeah. So that he's just always in the way. Does he get in front of your feet all the time?
Starting point is 00:46:38 Yeah, all the time. I mean, he's lovely. He means well. He's a bit of an arsehole. But he's generally, you know, he wants to please. And he's a lovely dog. I feel bad choosing him, but dear God. What's he like with other dogs?
Starting point is 00:46:54 Oh, he's either terrified of them or he'll bark at them. And he thinks he can fight them. But he wouldn't be able to fight anything. He sees a plastic bag in the street and he'll bark at that because he thinks it's an imagined enemy. He's really struggling at the minute because we go out on a walk of an evening and all the houses have now got Christmas lights up and things in their porches and on their outside walls
Starting point is 00:47:18 and he's struggling to deal with all of that because it's like, what are these new things? And he's just a bag of nerves. Oh, really? Yeah. But it's like, what are these new things? And he's just a bag of nerves. Oh, really? Yeah. But it's hard work. And if I was going to be on a desert island. You don't need that.
Starting point is 00:47:31 I don't want Oscar with me. No, yeah. I like to come to London for work because I get a bit of respite from him. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Oscar. I feel badly for you. Sorry, Oscar, if you're listening.
Starting point is 00:47:44 Does it come with some guilt? Yeah. Does it? Yeah, there is some guilt. I will admit that, Oscar. I feel badly for your dog. Sorry, Oscar, if you're listening. Does it come with some guilt? Yeah. Does it? Yeah, there is some guilt. I will admit that, yeah. Oh, he sounds like quite a nice dog. As well when you said he's a rescue dog. Yeah, he looks lovely as well.
Starting point is 00:47:56 You know the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi? Oh, yeah. He looks like an Ewok. Does he? And my daughter buys little costumes for him to wear. Like he's got a Santa Claus costume for Christmas and an elf one and he looks lovely but he's just a prick
Starting point is 00:48:09 I mean you'd be able to get to a few more gigs as well if you didn't have to shell out for all his food all the time and look an afternoon the freedom I would have
Starting point is 00:48:21 if I didn't know Oscar I know yeah but it's a love hit relationship it's like one of them sitcoms where you've got two people that are trapped in a room. The freedom I would have if I didn't know Oscar. I know, yeah. But it's a love-hate relationship. It's like one of them sitcoms where you've got two people that are trapped in a relationship where neither of them
Starting point is 00:48:30 really want to be in it. I'm like, I'm seeing the opening titles in my head of you and him. Andy and Oscar. Shuffling down the sofa and stuff. Yeah, that's so good. So Andy,
Starting point is 00:48:41 your dog Oscar is going to be your animal choice. Of 2018. Of 2018. I'm sorry, I feel like I've put you through quite a lot of pain having to do this no it's been quite cathartic
Starting point is 00:48:50 I've enjoyed it oh that's great alright I feel good now alright nice well thank you so much for coming in Andy thanks for having me
Starting point is 00:48:54 it's been a pleasure I say this quite a lot but I imagine the reason that people are here is because they've seen your name and they know
Starting point is 00:49:01 what else you do but should they not where else can people find you I do a podcast with Bob Mortimer. Yes. I do a podcast called Athletic or Mince with Bob Mortimer. It's an excellent podcast.
Starting point is 00:49:12 Thank you very much. I've been to see you live. Have you? And it was very good. It was in London at King's Place. Yeah, that was the very first live show we did. Oh, it was so good. We did other ones that were much better than that one.
Starting point is 00:49:22 Did we? I'll have to come to another. We didn't have a clue what we were doing there. So we might do some more in 2019. But yeah, we did some live shows. So we just did this podcast. It was going to be a football podcast. And then we realized quite quickly that our football opinions
Starting point is 00:49:34 had no weight whatsoever. They were pointless and futile. And it just became this collection of silliness. Oh, it's brilliant. Different characters and sketches. Oh, yeah. And it kind of still is rooted in football, but the thing that people say the most,
Starting point is 00:49:49 that we like the most, is they'll say, I don't like football, or I hate football, but I love the podcast. Right, yeah. Because you don't have to be a football fan to enjoy it. Do you get that a lot, then?
Starting point is 00:49:59 We do. That's probably the one bit of feedback we get most. Really? That's amazing. Yeah. Because I think, like, for me, personally, it's like knowing the characters that you talk about, then just hearing you guys do your versions,
Starting point is 00:50:12 like your impressions, like Harry Kane, it just gets me every time. Yeah, well, the thing is that a lot of people still love those impressions, but they don't really know who the characters are. They'll look them up on Google and stuff and see what they look like and things, but you don't have to kind of be are they'll look them up on Google and stuff and see what they look like and things
Starting point is 00:50:25 but you don't have to kind of be steeped in football I'm kind of jealous I'm kind of jealous that they get to do it that way around because it's like
Starting point is 00:50:33 hearing you guys and then going on and seeing them like if you heard Steve McCarron like Air Island
Starting point is 00:50:40 and then you go and have a look it's so good do you know what i mean just like yeah and um daish disappeared sean daish oh my god yeah i'm giving away i'm giving away a lot but there you go it's a it is a fantastic podcast and you have a podcast the other one i do uh yeah is uh called top flight time machine i do that with the writer and broadcaster sam delaney again it was going to be a football podcast and it's quite quickly slipped its moorings.
Starting point is 00:51:06 And we just kind of waffle on about anything really. The minute we've got a regular feature where people tell us bullshit stories that they've heard from people they've worked with or gone to school with, you know, Billy bullshit stories. Everyone knows someone who's a bullshitter. So we've got lots of them going on. So it's just me and him
Starting point is 00:51:26 just having a laugh with a little bit of football in there and it's doing well people seem to like it The retaining factor is that you're in both of these podcasts that's moved away from football Yeah
Starting point is 00:51:36 It's obviously your comedy It might be I think it's that thing where football fans don't don't talk in the way that the football media thinks they do. They don't all sit around talking about tactics and transfer speculation and shit like that. They'll talk
Starting point is 00:51:51 about other stuff and they'll have a laugh. The funny bits, yeah. And the funny side of it. It's only vaguely related to football. Yes. And there's plenty of that in Top Flight Time Machine and then Athletic Omens has just got all the characters from football just sent up. It's brilliant, yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Hilarious. It's a lot of fun to do. Oh, I love it. I do love it. Andy, and if people want to find you on social media, where can they find you? I am at Profanity Swan. Yeah. Where did that name come from?
Starting point is 00:52:16 Well, the first thing I did before I became a writer was I did my own fanzine, which was kind of like a comedy fanzine sort of thing and it was just called The Profanity Swan. It was a nonsensical title that i gave it and i just used that one it came to just going on twitter yeah well there you go that's what it is okay well if people want to find it they can find it at profanity swan on twitter they can thank you so much andy thanks very much Bye.

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