Desert Island Dicks - ANNABEL PORT: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2018!

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

Christmas Special Edition 2018! My guest for this Christmas Special is broadcaster, writer and podcaster, Annabel Port. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Marc Jacobs perfume gift sets include everything she needs to feel special. From her favorite fragrance plus the matching travel spray. Holiday gifts don't get much more perfect than this. So if you're looking for a gift inspiration these holidays, gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to this Christmas special edition of Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today

is podcaster, writer and friend Annabelle Port. Hello, James. Hello. Sorry. The intro sort of makes things weird, doesn't it? Like we were having a nice chat, but suddenly you went all formal and started reading something out. I was like, James, what are you doing?

I know, it's weird, isn't it? It is weird. Apologies. Thank you for coming to do this Christmas special edition. It's my pleasure. Yeah, it's lovely. Annabelle, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first person?

Oh, going straight into it? Yeah, we do. Right, okay. No message. So the premise is that am I on the island with them? Yeah, so you're on the island. I mean, it's up to interpretation. Okay, it's a bit loose, isn't it?

Yeah, it's loose. But I mean, yes, in essence, you would be on the island with him. Okay, okay. So my first one is going to be one of the three wise men. Okay. Now, don't get me wrong. I think they're all dicks. It's what?

Because they say they're wise men. Like, it's the equivalent now of saying that you're a member of Mensa. Yeah. You're like a dick. You do. And also wise. Yeah. It's worse than intelligent isn't it i'm wise

it sort of insinuates that they're really old yeah it does yeah yeah so i find that quite irritating anyway but there's one in particular that i really hate and it's the one i don't know their names but it's the one that brought gold ah because i had a baby just over a year ago let me tell you nobody brought me gold so i think he was being like really flashy and showy off doing a bit of one-upmanship with those other two wise men as well yeah because what they brought they brought frankincense and myrrh yeah which actually they're pretty bad presents for a baby anyway it is because it was perfume isn't it incense perfume yeah so why are you taking perfume for i mean mean, babies don't smell that great, do they? But have you ever known a baby to wear perfume?

No, it's true, yeah. Do you ever say, oh, your baby smells nice. Oh, what's that they're wearing? And they go, oh, yes, it's cool water by Devedore. Like, babies don't wear perfume. If someone walked in and started spraying dupe on your baby, it'd be horrible, wouldn't it? It would smell nicer.

But, yeah, it's inappropriate. But, yeah, that one that bought gold, I just think he was showing them all up like he's being a bit of an idiot but yeah I don't and as I say I don't like any of them I don't like how they say they're wise I don't think it's wise to bring perfume

I don't think it's so that wise to bring gold like bring baby clothes and chocolates that's what you want isn't it right yeah they also speak with really weird syntax don't they they go we three kings of orient are yes

that's not a clever thing to do. They do sing that. They've got all their syntax all mixed up. We three kings of Ori and Tar. Yeah, yeah. And this is another thing that annoys me. So sometimes they're the kings, sometimes they're the wise men. Now, that's not two and the same thing, is it? Like a king often isn't a wise man, as we well know. It's true, yeah. So make your mind up. Yeah, it is. What do you think about them? I mean, I don't think I've ever had that massively strong opinion.

I remember being, like, when we were younger and we did Nativity, and they weren't the character that anyone wanted to be. Do you know what I mean? You wanted to be Mary, you wanted to be Joseph. Yeah, they're the classic ones. Wise men was kind of like a bit of a palm off. Do you not think the worst one was the shepherds? Maybe.

What I like about the shepherds is they're kind of like underrated. Do you know what I mean? They don't say an awful lot and they're sort of in a little gang. But I feel like they're sort of like the cooler outcasts. The wise men are like, hey, look at us. Whereas the shepherds are a little bit more underrated. I never thought of them that way. I always thought of them as like

the less popular, less bright kids. Ended up being a shepherd. Don't get me wrong, I was a shepherd many times. That's probably why I don't like them. I don't even remember what I was. Do you know what? I was probably a wise man because I was like, hey, look at me when I was at school. Or a sheep.

Or a sheep. You might have been a sheep. I could have been. Sheep, that's... You don't want to be a sheep or a sheep you might have been a sheep I could have been sheep you don't want to be a sheep that's the worst isn't it but it's normally like the smaller cuter kids would be the sheep

right it's like the blonde kids was always Mary the blonde girl was Mary I was often a wise man because I had dark hair so I looked faintly exotic by nature

I'm just having dark hair yeah so no strong feelings about the three kings I don't think so. I mean, like, I think that you are right. The one that brings gold is showing off. Do you know what I mean?

He's just like... But he might have been carrying that for a long time to wait for his moment. Do you know what I mean? But also, maybe it shows that he's a bit more of a... He's a bit more of like a Del Boy character where he's like obviously traded off to get some gold and he just wants to be Flash in the moment.

Oh, he's one of these people who invest their money in gold rather than in property or something. They've got gold bars in the garage. I see him differently now. You're almost persuading me otherwise. Am I? Yeah. It's not my job, I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm sticking with it. I think he's a dick. Okay, one of the wise men. If you could, would you put all the wise men on? Oh, if I could? Yeah, okay. I was going to go one, two, three. Who's your first one, Annabelle?

Well, the one that brought gold. He's your second one. But, you know, I thought you'd be annoyed at me, so I didn't. No. I mixed it up a bit for you. It'd be very hard to make me annoyed. Oh, okay.

Frankincense. Like, that is weird, isn't it? Bringing the baby that as well. Yeah, because is it basically... I mean, I say perfume, but really is it just sticks? I think it is just sticks, yeah. Which really only belong in like a teenager's bedroom, really. Yeah, or like a shop where everything's made of hemp.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. When they sell bombs and stuff. God, that stable must have stank, like really stank. It must have done, yeah. And then myrrh, in my head, myrrh was always like, you know like the mercury that you get in a thermometer it was like that in like a vat i don't know what it is oh no that's also a perfume is it i think that maybe might more be more of a kind of a like a balm ah i don't know i mean i'm no

expert might be good for the baby's pop pop if it has bad nappies. So it's like in some ancient pseudocrime, is that what you're saying? Maybe, I don't know. Okay. You're making me think a bit more deeply about this. Tiger balm. Don't put tiger balm on your baby's bottom. No, yeah, you're right. Bad advice, podcast. Annabelle,

anything else on the wise man that brought gold? No. Okay, thank you very much. Who's going to be your second choice? The Virgin Mary. that brought gold? No. Okay. Thank you very much. Who's going to be your second choice? The Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary herself?

Yeah, yeah. So, first of all, I don't think she was a virgin. She was married. Massive statement, yeah. She was married, James. Okay. How many married people are virgins? Unless you have that thing like vaginitis or something

where you freeze up and you can't do that kind of thing. But it's quite rare. I don't know. That's my first thing. You just doubt that she's a virgin? I don't think she's a virgin because she was married. How do you marry a liar? Right, the first thing. Okay.

Also, she said she was conceived through the Holy Spirit. How? And that's not rhetorical. I'm asking you, how did the Holy Spirit impregnate her? It's impossible. No, but how did he do it? Because he did do it. So how? Oh, are you asking me? You want me to talk about the unprincipled?

No, you're right. I mean, in my head, always the baby was sort of just magicked in there. Oh, so I was a bit more graphic about it. Like whoosh. Yeah. It's almost like he went past her and blew.

That's it. Blew the baby. Yeah. And it... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But that also then means that the Holy Spirit made a cuckold out of Joseph.

He did. And Joseph's just watching from the sideline. Yeah. Oh, Annabelle. He did. Are you really talking about this? It's fine, but he did. He did. Okay,ie's just watching from the sideline. He did, yeah. Oh, Annabelle. He did. Are you really talking about this? He did, he did.

OK, I'll move on. It also annoys me that the Virgin Mary basically went on holiday when she was heavily pregnant. Now, I know it was to this census in Bethlehem. OK, yeah. But I don't believe she had to go. She thought, oh, you know, it'd be a nice trip. Yeah.

Now, when I was heavily pregnant, I would not be, like, anywhere more than a mile radius believe she had to go she thought oh you know be a nice trip yeah now when i was heavily pregnant i would not be like anywhere more than a mile radius of where my hospital bag was and my pillow that i was going to take to the hospital and my hospital notes yeah and all the things in my hospital bag like stress balls and aromatherapy oils and massage oils that i didn't use at all i just asked for an epidural but i didn But I didn't want to be anywhere. And she went on holiday, basically. I don't like her gung-ho attitude.

She's just too cool and too like, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I can just go on holiday, but I know my baby's due. Yeah, so I didn't like her about that. I also hate it that she put baby Jesus in a manger, which, as we know, is an animal feeding trough. Yes. We know from all the songs and all the nativity plays that she laid him in a manger. We also know from Away in a Manger that he goes to sleep in it.

And when he gets woken up by the cattle, the little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes. That's a lie. Exactly. I've got a baby. It would not be put down in those 80 pound sleepy head things. They're supposed to mimic the womb. He wouldn't be put down in one of those

for more than three seconds without crying. She could put a baby down in an animal trunk. It's rubbish. It didn't cry and then it just went to sleep. Either she's lying or she's really lucky and therefore I hate her. That is terrible misinformation for parents to come. Yeah, it's really misleading.

Like, you know, until, like, up until a year ago, I thought, oh, yeah, you just put the baby down and it goes to sleep. It doesn't. That's a lie. It's a total lie. They don't go to sleep. They want to sleep on you.

But maybe that's to her cool persona that she came away from it and she was like, I had a baby that I could just put down and it went to sleep straight away. She was like that cool girl that annoys me. Everything's easy and cool and it's all just fine. God, I've never thought of the Virgin Mary as so cool and carefree.

Yeah, yeah. I do feel a bit bad about it because I think she's pretty much the only female really in the nativity. I think you're right. Because even like the angels, it's the angel Gabriel, isn't it?

That's a boy. Yes, it is a boy. And like a shepherd would be Shepardesh. It's Shepardesh. It would be the three kings. Yeah. So really, she's the only female. The innkeeper's wife?

Is there? No, I'm making that up. It might just be the innkeeper. I can't remember. Who knows? No, the innkeeper's wife does ring a bell. Yeah. So I feel a bit bad because it's sort of, I'm making that up. It might just be the innkeeper. I can't remember. Who knows? No, the innkeeper's wife does ring a bell. Yeah. So I feel a bit bad because it sort of, I don't know,

makes the nativity play a bit sort of dad's army, doesn't it? It does, yeah. It's just men. So I feel a bit bad of it. But I don't think she's a good role model for women. The Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary is a liar. Yeah. The Virgin Mary has made it up. I feel is a liar. Yeah.

Virgin Mary has made it up. I feel guilty saying this. I know. I feel like, oh, no, like, what if there's a God and he's looking on me and he's really angry with me now? But he won't be, will he? He'll understand. He's very forgiving, so it's fine. I'd like to think over this amount of time he's built up a sense of humour.

Yeah, and quite a thick skin, I imagine, as well. Yeah, the way that other people talk about him. What if he impregnates me? That'd be awful. Yeah, actually, who's he to point the finger when he's going around just impregnating people willy-nilly? Did you give her consent?

Oh my god! But did she say it's alright? Was it consensual? I don't remember. I went to a Catholic school but I think I blocked most of it out. Because I was just thinking, this is horrific being here. Like, anything that they're going to tell me about, I just don't want to hear. Well, I remember it all, and I'm pretty sure they didn't cover consent when they talked about this particular issue. So, I don't know.

I'm just going to leave that there for people to think about. The Virgin Mary? Yeah. Okay. I'm actually feeling sorry for her there for people to think about. The Virgin Mary? Yeah. Okay. I'm actually feeling sorry for her again now. This always happens. I pick someone and I get really angry and hate them. Then I suddenly think, oh, they're like...

Actually, yeah, everyone has a hard time. Yeah. And then after that, she had to deal with all of the stuff that comes with being a new man. Yeah, yeah, while in a stable. I've got to actually feel really sorry for her now. Especially with the attitude that a young Jesus would have had. Yeah, yeah, while in a stable. I've got to actually feel really sorry for now. Especially with the attitude that a young Jesus would have had. Yeah, yeah. The attitude?

You think he had attitude? Going down with his gold and his frankincense and, well, look at me. Look at him. He was walking around and he was like, I'm the son of... Oh, true, yeah. I'm the son of the Lord.

Yeah, yeah. Turning water into wine. Whatever he wanted to do. Yeah. Walking around with barely anything on. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. wanted to do. Yeah. Walking around with barely anything on. Yeah. Anyway. Okay.

The Virgin Mary. I'll stick with it because, you know, I'm not going to miss it. Yeah. Anything else on the Virgin Mary? No, that's all. Annabelle. Yeah.

Who's going to be a fair choice? Okay. Anyone who dresses up as a sexy Santa. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So we're pretty much... That was a laugh of a relief that we'd moved away from Nativity, wasn't it?

Or from me. Oh, thank God she hasn't said that. They're one of the shepherds. No, it's just anyone that's dressed up as a sexy Santa is so good because it's just like everyone's seen it and everyone knows. Yeah, yeah. First of all, there is nothing sexy about Santa Claus,

Father Christmas, like at all, in my opinion. Like, he's not to my taste. There's going to be people out there, that's their thing. But I think they're the minority. So he's old, right? Nothing wrong with being old, but he is very old, right? I mean, how many hundreds of years old? Anyway, he's very old.

I would say, and I don't have his BMI, but I think he's morbidly obese. And like I say that, you know know each to their own, personal preferences whatever, he'll say he wears fur which I'm not keen on because it's white fur and he lives in the North Pole which hints to me it might be polar bear fur

It could be polar bear, it's most likely polar bear It's most likely polar bear fur so I'm not sure about that so I don't think that he's sexy. No. And also, even if he was, like, well, he's not. And Santa is for kids. So dressing as a sexy Santa would be like dressing as a sexy Tony the Tiger or a sexy Eagle Piggle.

Like, it's wrong. It's just, think of a sexy Eagle Piggle. I'd be interested to know, actually, when you do think of a sexy eagle piggle, what's he wearing? I don't know. Do you want to know what I instantly thought, right? There's some blue, but not an awful lot. And like, eagle piggles blanket

has formed some kind of underwear. Is that weird? Yeah. That is horrible, isn't it? It is horrible. A sexy eagle piggle. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Upsyy, you know.

For people that might not have been inflicted with hours of Eagle Piggle, what's Eagle Piggle look like? Eagle Piggle is from In the Night Garden and is blue. A big sort of furry blue thing, sort of fairly formless, really, like legs, arms, head, that's about it, really. That's a weird sort of head that's not teardrop shaped but like a weird sort of like a weird C almost

A weird C, oh okay Like a letter C, I don't know Head like a loaf of bread Yeah, yeah, yeah Not sexy in any way But everyone knows Tony the Tiger, how do you sex him up out of interest? Ears and a tail? I ears and a tail i don't know i don't know

what i'm liking here is you do seem to get a vision in your head pretty much straight away i think i've seen enough um enough different things be turned into sexy for christmas that i get there i find it quite easy to go there and why why sexy like why does it got why sexier for christmas okay i'll be more specific i think at um university that any occasion that there was like a fancy dress it was always made into like a weird sexy fancy dress do you know what i mean i think after the advent of mean girls and it being like oh you just make any animal sexy by putting ears on it that's what people did right and so i remember christmas like the weird sexy santa outfits

and so i find yeah when you when you say eagle pickle i'm starting to form it in my head but i think because i've seen so many sexy but the sexy santa i think is weird what i was wondering is do you think anyone has the santa fetish like they're into santa well you know what i've always said maybe you don't what i've always said? Maybe you don't. What I've always said is anything that you can think of, let your imagination go insane, anything you can think of, I believe there is someone somewhere at some point in time and that has been their thing.

Yes, I think you're probably right. People have got these very, very weird little quirks, haven't they? Yeah. So I think, without a doubt, there is someone somewhere who goes to Santa's grotto for different reasons. The grotty grotto. The grotty grotto. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Yeah. Without a doubt. Yeah. So who's dressing as a sexy Santa, then? It's girls, isn't it? It's girls, yeah. They've got to go to fancy dress, but they don't want to not look sexy because they're girls.

Whereas I think, you know, it's much nicer to be unsexy, like go as Eagle Piggle, for example, an unsexy Eagle Piggle. I would have a lot more respect for someone going as Eagle Piggle. Yeah, yeah. I mean, do what you will. It's up to you what you want to do. But I mean, if you pull off a good Eagle Piggle,

that's pretty good going, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I just can't bear to see a sexy Santa no okay disgust me yes okay and as well it's cold this time of year

yes right I don't want to see someone dressed as a Santa in fishnet tights little lecky peggy's getting cold no

no you're right okay sexy Santa goes in yeah okay I think that's all on sexy Santas thank you very much

Annabelle okay Annabelle. Okay. Annabelle, now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, so I'll do food first.

First of all, I'm not a big fan, staying on the Christmas theme here. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a big fan of Christmas food. At all? No, it's not really my thing. No. No, because I like something

with a tomato-y sauce. Nice. Like a pasta or curry, something like that. Whereas I think the Christmas dinner is more like a roast dinner and I'm not interested in roast dinners. No, you're a vegetarian.

Pescatorian. Pescatorian. Yeah. And so actually, the Christmas dinner, the roast dinner, kind of hinges on like a turkey or pigs in blankets. Well, there, you've hit on it.

Pigs in blankets is my least favourite of them all. Right, okay, yes. I don't think I've ever actually eaten pigs in blankets. It's not the taste that I have an issue with, even though I haven't eaten meat for ages. But I think with pigs in blankets, it's the name. Because over the years, I think a lot of work has been done to distance the animal from the meat.

So cows get called beef and usually pig becomes pork. Ah, yes. Chicken, we don't bother with. We're not so fussed about that. And also the weird one is sheep and lamb. Like suddenly they make it worse by doing the baby version of it. Yeah, that is weird. Which I don't quite get.

But anyway, we usually try and distance ourselves. Like, what, venison? Anyway, all these things, you know, that we try and pretend it's not really the animal. Pigs in blankets, that just goes out the window, doesn't it? Yeah. Completely out the window. We're just saying pigs. Pigs.

Pig wrapped in pig. No, I've got something better. Pigs wrapped in blankets. Blankets of bacon. Oh, yeah. Do you like to be wrapped in a blanket of bacon? I don't think so. No.

It sounds horrible. When you say it like that. Annabelle. Yeah. That is really an epiphany moment. I've never thought of the fact that animals are renamed for their... To make us feel better. Who decided to do that?

I don't know. But it was a very clever move to get people to eat it. Oh, my God. Like I say, we don't bother with chicken so much because chickens, ah. Yeah, chicken. Fish as well, ah. Chickens don't care.

People don't care about it. Yeah. I always think with chicken and especially turkey because turkeys are quite odd looking. Yeah, it's old turkey. People would really just tuck into that and they'll go and eat by a club sandwich or any chicken sandwich with any kind of chicken whatsoever.

Buy these big bulbous chicken meats from um from the supermarket but put them on a farm next to a chicken they freak out yeah people hate it and then when they see them with their faces and their beaks and stuff and like i think if you want to eat pigs in blankets you should be made to go and kill the pig yeah and then turn it half of it into sausages and then half of it into bacon and then actually knit a proper blanket out of the bacon to wrap around it with knitting needles. Yeah. If you're going to eat pigs in blankets, that's what you have to do.

Basically, it's babyish, but we all eat it. It is babyish, and it's weird. Why double up? It's like putting a bird in a bird in a bird. Exactly. It's an excess. I try to think of other versions, actually. There's nothing else we do.

I try to think of a chicken nugget wrapped in a chicken breast. But yeah, the same meat on the same meat. It's weird. Do they taste nice? I don't think I've ever had one. The issue that I have with pigs and blankets from having eaten meat is when you wrap that sausage around with bacon, the sausage doesn't cook very well.

So the bacon's becoming really crispy. I always imagined you cook them separately. You don't. I did not know that. Because you don't have to go and do it yourself because the supermarket puts it all together for you. And then the sausage underneath isn't getting cooked right. So you've got like a raw sausage in a bacon blanket.

With a weird, crispy, tough bacon blanket on the outside. Not nice. Not nice at all. Let me ask you a question. Go for it. With your Christmas dinner, do you have a starter? Yes. That's wrong.

Just so you know, that's wrong. It's wrong. Who looks at the Christmas meal, the Christmas lunch, and goes, that looks all great. There's a table heaving like every different type of vegetable and meat but you know what I want a meal before my meal

it's wrong I think starters across the board are quite unless you're at a restaurant where you know the food portions are going to be tiny

I agree it's wrong to have a meal before the meal because I often have a starter then I'm a bit too full up I don't really enjoy my main as much as I'm too full up and that's the main event

you've really been looking forward to that and more effort has been put into that and as well traditionally in the Deakin household it's always a prawn cocktail And that's the main event. You've really been looking forward to that. Yes, yeah. And more effort has been put into that. And as well, traditionally, in the Deakin household, it's always a prawn cocktail. No!

Yeah. And a slice of brown bread, which you definitely don't need a slice of brown bread before a butter piece of brown bread. What about that Mary Rose sauce? Do you have that? Yes. Do you know how you make that? I've no idea. Oh, my God. If I tell you, you? Yes. Do you know how you make that? I've no idea.

Oh my God. If I tell you, you'll never want to eat it again. Really? I think I'm right. I honestly think this is what it is. And this is standard

in restaurants everywhere. I'm pretty sure it's salad cream mixed with tomato ketchup. Or it might be mayonnaise with ketchup. I thought you were going to say something like that.

It's disgusting. It is, yeah. And it's called Mary Rose. What? That sounds beautiful. It's got ketchup in is, yeah. And it's called Marie Rose. What? That sounds beautiful. It's got ketchup in it. Yeah. Ketchup and salad cream.

Oh, my God. I'm not convinced about the salad cream, but I might be right. God, I'm such a... I had no idea that it was called Marie Rose sauce. Marie Rose. But when you say that, it makes me think of, like... Marie Rose sauce makes me think of things that my grandma, like, uses to, like, make her drawers smell nice.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like old-fashioned and fancy and sort of refined and dainty. Yeah, but when people had no money and they were like, OK, we'll just mix these two things that we already have together. Who decided to mix that with prawns? It's disgusting. Yes, with prawns as well.

Christmas is actually really weird. Oh, I've already put you off your Christmas dinner now, your starter anyway. I mean, so for the first time ever, we're having Christmas at our house. Oh, I've already put you off your Christmas dinner now. Your starter, anyway. I mean, so, for the first time ever, we're having Christmas at our house. Oh, are you? Yeah, and so I'm cooking the Christmas dinner. And is anyone coming to visit? Yes. Oh, so you can do, oh, right. I can do what I like.

And will you have a starter? I don't think so. Oh, good. And also, we're going to chat, like, at the Deacon House. This will horrify you. So everyone, especially in recent years, people get up and they're kind of hungover from Christmas Eve, because it became a tradition they're kind of hungover from Christmas Eve because it became a tradition that we'd all go out on Christmas Eve and get fairly drunk. Yeah.

And we'd get up and then we'll have like a full breakfast on Christmas Day. Like a fire? Yeah. Oh, wow. And this is like 10 o'clock, right? Yeah, yeah. And then at like four or five o'clock, we're having a Christmas dinner. Oh, wow.

So you've had a massive breakfast and then you're having a massive Christmas dinner. It's horrific, isn't it? With a starter. With a starter. With a starter. Yeah. That's like... And then will you eat again?

Will you eat again? No, I'll get heartburn and I'll feel sick, right? Possibly be sick and go to bed early. How disgusting is that? To go to bed early with the Baileys. I'll respect you if you do. A box of chocolate. Yeah, yeah. Irish cream and, like, some kind of alcoholic beverage. Oh. Annabelle. the Baileys. I'll respect you if you do. A box of chocolate.

Irish cream and some kind of alcoholic beverage. Annabelle. I've made you feel ashamed. I feel really guilty. You can do what you want this year. So don't have a starter. Maybe have something like having a light breakfast and music. Do you know what? I'm going to have a cracker with salmon on. A slice of smoked salmon.

And that will do me until I've made the lunch that we'll have at two o'clock without a starter. Good, good. Anyway, okay, thank you very much, Annabelle. Pigs in blankets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've really put me off pigs in blankets. Good. One last thing, if you may indulge me for a minute. Of course. Eat, I've started doing a sandwich

and it's like a roll full of pigs in blankets with like a horseradish sauce on it. Oh, I love horseradish. I know, yeah. What do you have horseradish with if you don't eat meat? Potatoes. Potatoes, nice. Okay.

It's also very nice stirred into a cold saw. Yeah. That's good. Or in a Yorkshire pudding. Yeah. Oh, yeah, nice, nice, nice. Nice, okay. So really, wow, eat.

Yeah, well, that's disgusting apart from the horseradish. Yeah, it's weird. It's like I tried it once and I thought, oh, nice, nice. Oh, it's OK. So really, wow, eat. Yeah, well, that's disgusting apart from the horseradish. Yeah, it's kind of, it's weird. It's like I tried it once and I thought, oh, this is OK. And then like 10 minutes later, I was thinking, oh, my God, what have I done? So bad. Annabelle, thank you very much. And what's going to be your drink choice? Mulled wine.

Mulled wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't enjoy the mulled wine. Have you ever, ever, and you can be honest with me here, have you ever, ever had a glass of wine and thought, oh, if only this was warmer? No, you haven't, have you ever ever and you can be honest with me here have you ever ever had a glass of wine i thought if only this was warmer no you haven't never no you never have and i wish it had bits in it a bit swimming about and it like weird kind of like bits of bark and seeds and i don't know weird star shaped things like not nice things anyway i don't i don't like that kind of flavor i don't like mince pies i don't like christmas pudding i don't like that kind of flavour. I don't like mince pies. I don't like Christmas pudding. I don't like that kind of wintery spice flavour. So it's never going to be for

me. I don't like how it makes my tongue feel about five centimetres thicker. You're right. Yeah, furry. Yeah. It's not good. Sugary. Also, mulled. Do you know what mulled means? No. No, nobody does, apart from me because I looked it up. It means to stew or to stew. It's basically a medieval word for stew. So what we should be really calling it is stewed wine. Yeah, okay. You wouldn't drink stewed wine, would you? No, it doesn't sound good. It sounds like a gravy.

It does sound like a gravy, yeah. So I don't like how everywhere you go outside at Christmas you expect to have a glass of mulled wine. Disgusting. It's cold, yeah. I walked into a pub last night and the smell is quite nice, though. Oh, yeah.

It does fill the room. I don't like the smell, but I will admit that it is quite Christmassy, which is quite nice. You're right, actually. That is the first time that I felt like, oh, it's actually going to be Christmas soon. Do you like any Christmassy drinks? Would you have an eggnog, for example?

I spoke to someone about this the other day. I wouldn't because it's just like, it sounds so weird. It's got an egg in it. It you have an eggnog for example? Like I spoke to someone about this the other day I wouldn't but because it's just like it sounds so weird It's got an egg in it It's like an egg drink Yeah an egg drink I don't think you could

sell an egg drink to me No it's like what weightlifters have isn't it? Like raw egg No It's like basic It makes me think of Hulk Hogan

just like drinking a Yeah Yes eggnog's weird The one Christmas drink that I do like and I would recommend to anyone

and it's really nice and it's like quite low alcohol is... Are you going to say baby sham? No. Baby sham? Yeah. I thought you were going to say baby sham. I don't think I had a baby sham at Christmas.

I only ever had a baby sham when you're like 15 and you've nicked it from your parents' cupboard because they didn't drink it. No, it's what... Because they're so low on alcohol. Well, you can have a baby sham. You you've nicked it from your parents' cupboard because they didn't drink it. No, it's what, they'll give, because they're so low on alcohol. Oh, they'll allow you to have it, yes. Well, you can have a baby shab.

You can have a baby shab, yeah, when you're a kid. Ginger wine. Do you ever have a ginger wine? No, but my granny used to love that. So a ginger wine is so cheap, no one ever buys it. It's like three, it's so cheap. That's the most trappish thing I've ever said,

just so you know. It's so cheap, it's as cheap as white lightning. No, but it's just so good. You buy it. Methylated spirits, it's only 10p more than that. Whenever I say to people ginger wine, you like do half a glass of ginger wine with half a glass of lemonade and a slice of lemon in it. Okay. And it is

lovely. It's so nice on Christmas Day. Sounds quite high sugar. It's very high sugar, but you can go for a dark lemonade. Okay, okay. I'm going to try it. You should try it. Yeah, I like ginger. But wouldn't it be nice if all street corners at Christmas had this nice ginger cocktail you're talking about rather than

mulled wine, stewed wine. You're right, yeah. Mulled wine. Annabelle, we're going to go for a drink after this. What if the only thing they've got is going to be mulled wine? I'll drink it, obviously. Thank you very much. If it's free. Mulled wine. I realise I'm turning you you very much. If it's free, yeah. Mold wine.

I realise I'm turning you into a Scrooge. I'm sorry. Oh, God, I was already a Scrooge. Okay, fine. Don't worry about that. No guilt then. Brilliant. Thank you very much, Annabelle.

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Obviously with a Christmas theme, what are they and why? Okay, let's do the song first. Song first. All Carols. All Carols. Yeah, yeah. All Carols. They're really old, aren't they?

They are old. They go back to the 13th century, so it'd be like singing Gregorian chants in Latin. It's the equivalent. Okay, yeah. You might as well put lice in your hair and be done with it. Throw your toilet waste out the window. They're really, really old.

They're done with. They're done with. You know what, James? They're done with. They're done with. I'm done with them. They're done with. And the name annoys me, Carol.

Like, what, Alan? Why are they called Carols? What came first, Carols or the name Carol? I'd like to know and I don't. Oh, my God. They could be called an Alan or something like that. Oh, just like, yeah. Why Carol?

And Ian? Barbara and Ian. Yeah. Yeah, so that annoys me. The most annoying thing, without a doubt, is that generally most of them don't have a chorus. If you think about it, Way in a Manger, Little Town of Bethlehem, Silent Night,

Good King Wenceslas. Like, a chorus is the best bit. Imagine I Will Survive without a chorus. Imagine, and it's really depressing to think about, imagine YMCA without a chorus. Oh, my God, it just never goes anywhere. A great song has a chorus. Builds you up to nothing.

There are some great songs without a chorus. Can't think of any. I can't think of any. There are, though. I think Losing My Religion hasn't got a chorus, for example. Up the Junction, that hasn't got a chorus. But, you know, they're in the minority. Most great songs have a chorus.

I started thinking, does it have a... And then I started doing Call for Cats in my head. But, yeah, there you go, yeah. OK. Yeah. So I don't like that. I don't like... And this goes back to the being old.

I don't like a lot of the words. It says things like shineth and thy and thither like Silent Word has the word yon in it I'm not saying yon I'm not saying yon for anyone it's ridiculous does Silent Night have yon in it? yeah I mean I don't know where

but I definitely noticed that it did have the word yon in it I am absolutely sick of Silent Night well there's a thing not only that but most of them you only know the first verse and the chorus anyway so the reason why you don't know where Yon is, it's probably in the third or fourth verse.

Yes, it's somewhere down there. Where are we now? You're already sick of Silent Night. Okay, so the reason I'm sick of Silent Night is, it must have been last Christmas, I guess last Christmas, I sung Silent Night to my daughter and she liked it. She was like, give me that one again. Yeah.

So I'm not kidding. Almost every night for a year, I've had to do Silent Night. James! It was the heat of the summer and I was singing Silent Night. You do know that's really bad luck, don't you? Is it? Oh my God, you don't know this. So it's really, really bad luck to sing Christmas carols outside of Christmas.

Is it? Now, I'm not one to always believe in a superstition, but let me tell you, when I was around about eight or nine years old, my mum bought me a tambourine. It's because I was doing a dance called the Tarantella at ballet, which is where you have to pretend to be bitten by a spider. And you go into a spasm and you do this ballet dance. And for this dance, you need the tambourine.

And so I said, Mum, I really need this tambourine. She was like, expensive. Anyway, she got me one and I was totally thrilled with it. It was so exciting having a tambourine and so i said mom i really need this tambourine she's like expensive and she anyway she got me one and i was totally thrilled with it it was so exciting having a tambourine at home nice and i sat there banging it and i was so happy and then i was singing songs banging it and then i started singing i think it was something like good king wenceslas bang bang bang my hand went right through it did you bad luck just because you started singing that yeah it was like the superstition was like,

oh, hello, we've got one, we've got one here, make something bad happen. Whoosh, my hand went through it, my tambourine was ruined and I couldn't do the Tarantello anymore. Oh, my God. Actually, my mum probably bought me another.

I'll fix it. So it's really, yeah, it's really bad luck. Oh, my God. So I'm wondering if anything, like, so like the other day I was having a really good day and then it flipped on its head and a shelf fell off my wall and broke my TV. Do you think it's because...

I'll show you a picture. It's horrific. Without a doubt, that's because you sang Silent Night outside of Christmas. My friend's mum and dad, her dad is so obsessed by the carol Good King Winxless that he had it played at their wedding, even though they got married in the summer.

Guess what? Divorced. Oh, my God. Yeah. This is a revelation. Yeah. Although it's Christmas, I'm going to stop immediately. Oh, you still do it.

I still do it. James. Because that's what she wants. I hate that song so much. So I'll tell you what I do. This might help. So my son, before he goes to bed, I sing him, you know that song, Summertime and the Living is Easy?

Oh, that's a good idea. I like that. But I feel weird. So I started doing it in the summer. And then when it became autumn, I started feeling weird about singing Summertime. So I started changing the words to Autumntime. And then I also started feeling weird about how it says,

your daddy's rich and your mama's good looking. Yeah. Because that's not what we should be like looking as like the great things in the world so i change it to like your mum is kind and your dad is hard working that kind of thing and you think a lot of yourself as well you're saying your mum is good looking exactly i felt like a bit of an idiot saying i was good looking and then i and then when it became winter time i started singing and then I do The Penguins Are Jumping and The River Water Froze. You put in a lot of effort.

Does he appreciate it? No. What you could do is if it's probably just the tune that she likes, you could just change the words. Would that still be a carol? I don't know. You could try it. No, I don't think it would. But having said that, you're right. There's a lot of songs out there. My routine at the minute,

or it has been for the past year, One More Step Along The World I Go. Oh, no, really? That's a funny choice. I know. One more step along the world. I do. You're kind of like someone I think of

as playing really good, tasty music. I'm amazed that you chose that. Like, I don't know. There was a plethora of songs, and she hung on to that. Oh, it's what they like, right. Blue Moon. Oh, that's a good one.

And then Silent Night. They're the three. Silent Night, wow. But I'm going to be completely honest, she goes to sleep pretty quick and that's pretty good luck. Okay, okay. If I do that routine, she's obviously so bored of it by now. Yeah, you're bored to sleep.

You don't want to change it. You're nervous of changing it, aren't you? I'm nervous. Change the words. But I will do it. Change the words. I do, like, yeah. I can't believe you sing it in summer.

I find that so weird. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Just because it works and I'll do anything. And Silent Night. Annabelle, all carols. Yeah, yeah. And I completely agree because it makes me feel like,

think of being in a really cold church, somewhere that I don't want to be. Or worse still, someone knocking on your door, you answering it and then standing there and singing it and expecting money. There's nothing worse. Now, admittedly, that hasn't happened to me since, I think, 1982. But it would be pretty awful, wouldn't it?

Yeah, oh, if someone did that, it just, for me, it's so embarrassing. Like, I hate it. And as well, like, on Halloween, I know it's Christmas and. Like, I hate it. And as well, like, on Halloween, I know it's Christmas and I keep talking about not Christmas, but, like, when someone knocks on the door, I'm like, Esther, you go, please.

Or just, like, even run the risk of being a weirdo. It's, Ayla, please, just go and answer the door because I just can't do it. I can't go there and then, like, be like, chick or two, or, like, sing at me at my door. Horrendous. Horrible. Have you ever been carol singing at people's doors? I've't do it. I can't go there and then be like, chick or two, or sing at me at my door. Horrendous.

Horrible. Have you ever been carol singing at people's doors? I've never done it because I've never inflicted it upon anyone. I don't know. I think we just did it for money one year. I just thought we wanted money. And it's very interesting watching people's faces. Right.

Just that kind of like, oh, God, kind of look in their eyes. But they're trying to be nice. Yeah. I mean, anyone that enjoys that is like... Yeah. We've got Spotify now. We don't need people going to your doors and singing do we plus we're british it's not something that we do yeah it's just like leave it to the americans it's bad so yeah i think let's get rid of carols carols okay cool yeah all carols and uh annabelle what's going to be a film

oh this was by far the hardest for me was it it? By far the hardest. Not because I hate all the films, but because, as it turns out, I've seen so few of these films. I looked at a list of the top 100 Christmas films. I'd seen about three of them. I'm a film lover, but for some reason, I don't know, maybe it's because you're with your family at Christmas, and my family, it's not got crime in it.

They're not interested. We like Miss Marples. We like Poirot yeah yeah we like all that but so I just never really grew up watching Christmas films

I've seen It's a Wonderful Life it's alright yeah I've seen I saw very recently I've told you that Home Alone I saw very recently

still thought it was alright very very recently I saw Die Hard thought it was alright right yeah what other Christmas films are there I've not seen Elf

I'm asking the wrong person because as I know did you say Miracle on 34th Street never seen it no I seem to remember that you haven't seen any films ever

am I right I'm terrible with films yeah you're probably the worst person I've ever met how could I forget I find it very bizarre that you've never really

seen a film am I right you've never really seen a film I have watched quite a few films but this is the thing you've never really seen a film am I right? You've never really seen a film I have watched quite a few films. But this is the thing you've watched a few, most people have watched

like thousands of films, you've watched a few films. The thing is I can't tell you what I've been doing otherwise, it's bad I don't know what I've been doing, I must have just been staring at the wall for years That's fine. You're very good with films. Well I think that I wouldn't say I was very good but I think I watch

a lot of films but I just don't really I've never really got into any I sort of think that if you're making a brilliant film you're not going to

set it around Christmas because then people will only watch it once a year you want it to be watched all year round don't you yes it's true

you sort of paint yourself into a corner exactly so I am really struggling here but you know are you going to force my hand

make me say something what about if I got to name a film I'd say my hand is there a particularly like you can say all Christmas films because

alright if we're going to be it's not that I hate them it's just I'm crazy about them I'll go with It's a Wonderful Life okay right why not

hey Jeff It's a Wonderful life. Okay, right. Why not? Hey, Jeff, it's a wonderful life. So as many people, and I imagine most of the reason that you're here listening to this is because you know Annabelle from her fantastic other work and brilliant podcasting and all radio. And so you know about Jeff and Annabelle's podcast, Adrift, and you know about Jeff. And Jeff is obsessed with...

He watches it every Christmas. Every Christmas. He seeks it every Christmas. Goes to the cinema and watches it. I think he'll I haven't asked him but I think he would acknowledge that it is quite flawed as a film.

Am I right in saying that they got private cinema once to watch it together? I mean that was back in the glory radio days. Okay, right. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Either that or it's one of those amazing occurrences. I don't know if it's happened to you, but you go into the cinema during the day... It's just you. And it's just you. Oh, it's lovely. It's the best feeling in the whole world.

So you're going to go for It's a Wonderful Life? Just because I think it's the most famous one, isn't it? Right, yes. So, you know, I'll make an example of it by putting that in. And also, I know it's got an angel in it. But, like... I don't know. I don't know.

The thing is, I don't know. I've only seen it once, and it was years ago, and I don't know it well enough to even criticise it because I can't really remember it. Geoff also chose It's a Wonderful Life, weirdly enough. No. Did he now? He did.

But he did like... Obviously, it being one of his favourite films, I was like, that's quite a weird choice. Yeah. But he kind of did a play-by-play on, like, every time he watches it, he picks up more and more flaws. Oh, this is what I mean then. And I was like, OK.

And he was just like, actually, like, that makes no sense. And, like, why is that bit there? And, yeah. So he's going to... He probably said all the things that if I'd seen it, I'd be able to say, but I've only seen it once. So, you know. I barely remember it.

It's a good plug to go back and listen to that after this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listened to most of Jess one. I didn't finish it. I do enjoy your podcast by the way.

It's very good. Oh, thanks. It's very good. I really appreciate it. It's very good. It's a Wonderful Life as a film choice. Okay, maybe as an

umbrella for Christmas films. Yeah. There's other films you could be watching. Other brilliant Oscar worthy, Oscar winning movies that you could be watching instead other brilliant Oscar-worthy, Oscar-winning movies, yeah,

that you could be watching instead. Okay, It's a Wonderful Life. Yep. And finally, The Island is Overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals with a Christmas theme.

Which animal is it and why? Pantomime horse. Panto horse. Yeah. That is so good. Right, glad you like it. Yeah.

I think, first of all, it's not funny. No. Secondly, it's not fooling anybody we all know it's not a real horse so what yeah i feel sorry for that person i've never done it imagine how difficult it is to be the second person because you're basically bent in an l shape with your head down with your like it's just the fact how much that is going to kill that

person's back yeah it annoys me i did look on Amazon to see how much a pantomime horse costume would cost because I was going to turn up in one. Yeah. How much do you think they cost? £120. No, close, £80. £80? Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's actually, I mean... Get a real horse. £80, get a real one. But I think when I was imagining that, I was imagining like stage quality. Do you know what I mean? Or is it just like, for £80, what are you getting uh well it looked quite realistic I say realistic in terms

of what I might see on a pantomime I don't mean realistic in terms of a horse I wasn't why is there a horse for 80 pounds on amazon 80 pounds is like stag do pantomime horse right right okay all right yeah you're right okay all right you're probably you're probably like if it's a western musical for some reason these are pantomime they're probably not firstly they're probably not going on amazon no exactly they're probably spending more than 80 pounds yeah 120 exactly you're original probably thousands of pounds um panto horse yeah i've never really gotten the panto horse it's really it's so it's really slapstick though isn't it yeah yeah so um yeah i just i mean i thought i was gonna put in a donkey and i was thinking why why why are they all in sanctuaries

like what's wrong with them but then i thought oh i think maybe it's because they're all just like forced to work for free and then they're really knackered and no one wants them when they're old so they have to go to sanctuary and i felt really sorry for them it's the same thing again i start out hating something and I end up feeling sorry for it. I thought about a moth on a piece of tinsel and then I felt sad for it because a butterfly gets all the glory and it's pretty much the same thing but uglier. Tinsel does get moths because it stinks.

It's dusty. I thought about a robin. A robin? Apparently the robins are right bastards apparently. Are they? Yeah, apparently they're like a massive dick of the bird world. So maybe I should put a robin in.

Are they? Yeah, apparently. Because I remember there was of the bird world. So maybe I should put a robin in. Are they? Yeah, apparently. Because I remember there was this thing recently to vote for Britain's favourite bird or something. And I think, like, the robin won and then there was this outcry because apparently they're real dicks to other birds. Are they? Yeah, they're a nasty piece of work. Robin?

Yeah, I know. I feel really bad saying this. You look quite upset. I know, but they just seem so nice. I know. They're so Christmassy. They look so nice. I thought when you see a robin...

What do you mean they seem so nice? What do you mean? Because they're so majestic and beautiful. Oh, right. I don't know. When you see a robin, isn't it, you're meant to be seeing, like, it's meant to be someone visiting you from the outside.

I didn't know that's what it is. I think so. I didn't know that. Probably not, though, is it? No, it's almost definitely not. Panto horse. But I'm going to say a p panto horse do you think anyone's career anyone started their career as a panto horse that really took off because it's a it's

a it's a thespian isn't it i do think it's probably quite difficult is is the kind of the coordination i give respect to them for that it's more funny and if they really mess it up and they can't walk about i don't know but like i don't know i think it's stupid so that person on the back has to be holding on to something so you don't want to be the person on the front that has the person on the back holding onto your waist the entire time yeah yeah yeah that'd be weird and why is it just pantomime horses like why not pantomime pig oh my maybe you're onto something pantomime reindeer pantomime pantomime moth pantomime maybe maybe not pantomime moth i don't know i haven't really got a real reason it pushed it pushed things i haven't been pushed i'm going to say pantomime horse okay

panto horse yeah annabelle thank you so much that's my pleasure anything else on panto sorry no no i think i think pretty much covered everything um thank you so much for coming in oh i've loved it Annabelle tell like is this weird to do this bit no of course it's not no do what do I get to sell something

yeah yeah oh great okay yes I got a book Annabelle's got a lovely book Annabelle tell people about your book I got a book you can buy called

Annabelle vs the Internet yeah and you can buy it on the internet and it's basically a true life humour book about some challenges I was set and what happened

and all the different things I did. And it's got a five-star review on Amazon. There it is. Don't worry about it. I've got a lovely copy that's got a handwritten note from Annabelle, which is nice, yeah. But I don't think I'd written on the thing when I ordered it. It was for me, and you were like,

Dear reader. But maybe you could, you know. I could change it for you if you like. And then there's a podcast that I do with Geoff Lloyd, on the thing when I ordered it, that it was for me, and you were like, dear reader, but maybe, you know. I could change it for you, if you like. And then there's a podcast, that I do with Jeff Lloyd, which is called Adrift,

and that's really nice. Yeah. And what else? What's Adrift about? Adrift. I'd say, it's generally for people, who feel,

maybe slightly adrift in life, and I think that's probably everybody, you know, if you don't feel like necessarily, that you feel like, you're just pretending to be a grown up, you're pretending to be good at your job you're just pretending if you find yourself in awkward social situations i think that's in this case there's two different types of people there are people who are deeply shy and nervous and therefore get themselves into awkward embarrassing social situations and then there's people who are the opposite that are totally fine in fact too far

the other way and as a result are always putting their foot in it or saying the wrong thing blah blah blah, so yeah it's for people like that and we get so many brilliant emails of stories about these kind of things which are my very very very favourite thing about it and they're often so funny

and I often think about them all the time and it's my favourite bit of the week, so yeah so the podcast, the book, that's it. Thank you so much Annabelle. Pleasure.