Desert Island Dicks - ANNOUNCEMENT: Harriet Kemsley is our new host!

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Very excited to announce that the new host of Desert Island Dicks is the brilliant Harriet Kemsley! Her first episode is out tomorrow with Kerry Godliman. To whet your whistle, here's Harriet's episode she recorded with Dan back in 2022! Make sure you've followed so you don't miss an episode and we'll see you tomorrow. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, it's me, James. Hope everyone is well. I am popping on to make a special announcement that we have a brand new host of Desert Island Dicks. I think I teased it on here a little while ago, but we can now officially say that the new host of Desert Island Dicks is going to be the brilliant Harriet Kemsley. We've recorded some amazing episodes already with the likes of Kerry Godliman, Zoe Lyons, Darren Harrietriot, Jacob Hawley. It's a really exciting time for the podcast with Harriet. She's an incredible host and I really look forward to you hearing her. Her very first episode will come out tomorrow with the brilliant Kerry Godliman and Kerry is hilarious on the episode. And excitingly, we're going to have video with

the podcast as well. so if you go over to spotify you'll be able to see the podcast in video format so harriet chatting with our guest which is also very very exciting make sure that you've followed along on your favorite podcast platform spotify apple etc and you'll get that episode straight into your feed also we're setting up a patreon where we're going to carry on compact dicks where you can send in your suggestions to desert island dicks podcast at gmail.com send them in and harriet and i will dissect them we'll talk about our dicks from the week and then we'll dissect your choices as well so that's going to be on patreon and you'll be able to find that in the podcast description

on your favorite podcast platform as well in the the meantime, I thought I'd take the opportunity to re-air Harriet's episode of the podcast where she spoke to Dan, who I have to say a massive thank you to for his effort in hosting the podcast for such a long time. Dan was a brilliant host, loads of incredible episodes with Dan. So if you enjoyed Dan hosting it, Dan Benedictus, you can go back and listen to his episodes now. But thank you to Dan. And yeah, here's Dan with Harriet Kemsley, our new host of Desert Island Dicks. Enjoy.

Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster Harriet Kemsley. How are you? Hello, I'm good thank you. We've got a slight problem as the babysitter cancelled last minute at 4.30 this morning. My husband has gone to Helsinki so there is currently a baby sleeping next to me which adds a kind of frisson of excitement. Is that the right word? Yeah, I started speaking a bit more quietly and then I realized it doesn't really matter from my end but I'm really aware that there's a sleeping bear no you're free to do what you want I feel a bit like we're on um you know that bus in speed and if I if I go over

a certain level if my voice it goes over a certain level then um the bus is going to crash so yeah stressful okay we're gonna see how far we can get before your baby wakes up. Great. So, I mean, you know, you're having a busy time. You've got a young baby. You've just been at Edinburgh Festival. You're about to do a tour. I mean, does this mean that you're in a position where you find it very easy to rant about all the people and things you hate?

Or are you more sort of more reserved than that? I think I am. I do. I think I often have people that I dislike that other people don't or I will I will um I maybe I'm quite petty or specific things will just make me furious other people seem to not be phased by and I think when you're on little sleep and you're busy then those things are gonna really um drive you wild yeah it's funny in this sort of days of having a new baby and people sometimes think it's going to be this

sort of like blissful experience of sharing the world and new things some of the angriest i've been that's a really good point yeah just. Just tiny things like, why won't I open this fucking packet? Why can't this one thing, if this one thing goes right, then I just feel like, you know, you have some kind of control. Yeah, absolutely. I always find in the period between sort of like eating dinner and getting my boys to sleep, it doesn't matter what mood I start off in. Like by the time I shut the door on them, I'm just like,

and then I can sort of resume normal operations as normal but um anyway look let's get started let's hear about the people and things that do your head in so who's going to be the first person joining you on the island so this person hasn't necessarily done anything but I've always had a thing against do you remember that presenter is his name Matthew Kelly he used to present you bet and um stars in their eyes stars in their eyes that was it yeah so I have never trusted him and I think it's because I once had a dream where he chained me to a radiator and now every time I think about him it makes me so mad and i think there were some allegations or something but maybe they were like dropped i don't know anyway it feels it feels bad

to be angry with someone because of a dream you know when you have a very vivid dream and then you just can't trust the person yeah yeah definitely i think there's just something a little bit sinister about game show hosts anyway you you know, because there's a perm a smiling. I don't know, you know, the way they always put their arms around people, they don't really know that sort of thing a little bit odd about them, isn't he? And then I think he shaved or a beard and then he shaved it off for a while and it was just so unsettling. It was like, what's going on and why have you shaved that off? And who are you hiding from? Well, my husband has a beard and sometimes he'll shave it. And for days afterwards, I'll be like genuinely uncomfortable because it's like, I don't trust who this person is. Like, I know it's him, but like my whole body is like, danger. Yeah, is this man in my house? Exactly.

Who's this person touching me? This seems really inappropriate. It's kind of fun. I can like cheat on my husband, but like with my husband, it's a fun game. Yeah, that's good. Maybe I should get my wife to wear a beard or something for the same sort of thing. Yeah. There we go.

And so how old were you when you had this dream then so I think I was in my early 20s and it was just such a vivid dream and I just he didn't even necessarily do anything bad but he well I mean changing someone to a radiator is quite bad but I just was I was just so cross about it and I just since then I just had a really like bad feeling about him and it's just so hard to shake that. It's like if you have like a sex dream about someone, it's like impossible to like speak to them afterwards. It's so weird how your subconscious can like really mess with you. Definitely. And I think like that's always going to be there.

You're on the island with him and there's always going to be an element of mistrust. You know, even if he turns out to be just this lovely guy and like oh that's why you're always happy on telly because you are always happy but you know you just sort of think but there's something lurking behind those eyes that i know that you're capable of changing me to a radiator even though i mean thankfully most islands are radiator free that's true that is very true and but yeah the thing is i feel like he'll um i'll just be like really mad with him but he won't know why and he'll thing is, I feel like he'll, I'll just be like really mad with him, but he won't know why.

And he'll just have to keep like, but the more I'm mad with him, the more I'm distant from him, the more it will make him needy and be like, have you okay? And that will drive me more mad until one day I just explode. And I just say, it's because of that time

you chained me to the radiator. He'll be like, what are you talking about? So it's, yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be an be um yeah it's it's gonna be a an interesting trip to this island i imagine for someone who's used to sort of like trying to make people at ease in sort of high pressure environments on a game show or something like that um you know it must be like quite weird for him if he can't put someone at ease and like then feels like they don't like him and I imagine him just getting needier and needier

and just really trying so hard with you. This is it. He got into this job because he wants people to like him and I'm the only person that can see through it because my subconscious has given me a vision of the true Matthew Kelly. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, it's a really good reason.

I like it a lot. Okay, so Matthew Kelly's joining you. Who's going to be the next person with you on the island? Okay, so this is not necessarily a real person, but they have haunted my nightmares also. Okay, everyone trusts him. I think he's brilliant, but I've never liked E.T. Do you know what?

I've never seen the film E.T., and people can't believe it. You mustn't. Well, I never saw it because it never appealed to me when I was young and now I'm why would I watch it I'm a 40 year old man I'm not gonna watch E.T. for the first time I've got better things to do um but yeah I've never been that comfortable with E.T. what is it exactly about him that that um gives you the the creeps absolutely don't trust him I think it's the way that he points. It's like very unnerving and it's very slow.

And I just, I think it's like, again, how everyone just thinks he's so brilliant and everyone's like, he's so sweet, but I just don't see it at all. And when I was younger, like even when the music came on, like that distinctive music, because the film would come on like every holiday basically and I'd have to like run up to my room and like hide under my covers

because I just couldn't bear the thought that E.T. was on and then my whole family would laugh. They'd all have like a lovely time. And I just thought, why can no one see it? Why does everyone trust E.T. when he's just pointing his finger? And I don't know. Yeah. You know, sometimes things come along and they're sort of ugly things,

but people find them very cute. Like trolls, you know, that was a thing, you know, at school, you might have them on the end of your pencil or whatever. And you can sort of see that these are horrible. You know, your mum's going, oh, why do you like those disgusting little things? That's what my mum would say. And you kind of go, yeah, I get it, but this is cute. and E.T. I've never had any sort of positive feeling towards him it's like what is this sort of weird raisin with a light up finger you know and he's always like hiding like he's always like

lurking in a cupboard or like like he's not actually a trustworthy person and also I don't like it when he gets really sick and then his heart like i mean it's very sad like he's like he's clearly very ill but like it's just the whole like texture of him no and also he's he's not a great conversationalist as he's like you're not gonna get much chat out of him you don't want to talk to matthew kelly et's gonna like it's like look we can't phone home there's there is no phone here you know even with the flying bicycle trick it's we're on a desert island you're not going to be able to do it for long enough it's not going to work they are actually an interesting double act that i'd like to see communicate it's a bit like um uh r2d2 and that other one i just imagine them wandering

off c3pi i just imagine them wandering off um that kind of dynamic, exploring an island. I've just had the thought of you guys getting bored and Matthew Kelly doing Stars in the Rise with E.T. And just going, who are you going to be tonight? It's like, you're going to be Diana Ross. E.T. coming out with a wig made of palm tree fronds or something. He's wearing those clothes that he wore in that scene when he comes out of the cupboard. Oh, he's oversized women's clothes.

Yeah, but he still just says phone home a lot, but to the tune of, I don't know, upside down or whatever. Yeah, I mean, well, that's made me feel your island might be slightly more fun than it was earlier. But no, really, I mean, well, that's made me feel your island might be slightly more fun than it was earlier. But no, really, I mean, there's just something that even if he's trying to be friendly and nice, E.T., it's just the way he'll sort of like be lurking, as you say, and sort of pop out from behind a tree while you're sort of like trying to dig a hole to crap into or something. Yeah, he'll always be staring. He's not going to be doing anything useful.

He's not going to be helping towards the future of the island. He's just going to be like, just stood there and you'd be like towards the future of the island he's just going to be like just stood there and you'd be like itty just like do something you know like help yeah we're all really hungry yeah just watching you sleep or just just just not being quite right because he's got no social conventions because he's not a human so yeah yeah i think it's another fine choice okay who's gonna who's gonna be the final uh person joining you on the island okay the third person is a person and i don't necessarily know them very well but i don't like okay do you know that guy salt bae is his name salt bae yes and he always has this and he has that weird way of sprinkling the salt yes and i just i'm a vegetarian and i just i just don't like i just don't like it's the meat thing it's too much meat and the sprinkling the salt yes and I just I'm a vegetarian and I just I just don't like I just don't like it's the meat thing it's too much meat and the sprinkling and the meat it's just not for me

this is one of those things where you just look around you go how has the world come to this when a man has become famous for sprinkling salt on meat in like quite an idiosyncratic and serious way and now he's famous and he's got a restaurant in Mayfair or something. And he's probably a millionaire. Yeah, I think he's literally become a millionaire. It's craziness. Yeah. I saw a review of his restaurant,

because his restaurant famously does steaks that cost like £1,200 or something. And part of the reason they cost that much is because they're wrapped in gold. And I see this sort of thing where, you know, you see it in the paper. It's like, oh, like world's most expensive desserts. And it's like, how can ice cream and whatever you've made be so expensive? And it's like, oh, it's served in a gold bowl. Like at some point, food can't cost any more and you just have to put gold into it. Why is it so expensive?

It's the diamonds. It's just diamonds. Bad for your teeth teeth i'm choking on them yeah that happens um but think how rich you feel but then you're just shitting out gold like it's madness yeah no one's ever got all this gold tastes so nice it's such a weird thing it's like you fucking idiots why and it's it's the combination of him and the idiots that continue to prop him up by going yeah this steak this steak, oh, it's really expensive. It's like, what is wrong with you people?

It's disgusting. And also, I think it would be so stressful to eat at that restaurant because imagine if you didn't know and you just went and you weren't really paying attention and you just ordered something and then the bill came. You'd be like, what the fuck? Like, that wasn't even that nice. Like, I could have had like 100 pizza expresses for this you know yeah yeah i just think he he's going to be someone that takes himself so very seriously yeah i'm in for a really terrible time there's literally no one i can have like a nice conversation with on this island absolutely i mean the thing is he's basically a con man as well because so that's the thing so even if he's

just like yeah i know i can't believe people bought it i just fucking like put on some glasses and sprinkle salt and charge people 1200 quid for a steak yeah fucking idiots and part of you is going to respect that but part of you is like okay well what else you're gonna do to fuck us over while we're here yeah he's gonna steal all the fish and he's gonna be like oh yeah i didn't see any fish you're just gonna find him like sprinkling loads of salt on fish later and you're gonna be like i knew it yeah and you couldn't resist it could you he'll be a good chef though so technically like i've just made matthew kelly's life really good because he'll just have

really delicious food well you might just have really overpriced food there'll be three coconuts please yeah yeah oh this is so shiny this is amazing. Cool. Well, I think you've got an interesting and diverse group. I mean, well, I was going to say not racially diverse, although actually, I mean, ET, for God's sake. So yeah, you know, it's diverse in all ways. Butage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, so I genuinely believe that it's a phobia. I hate bananas. So this is weird. So I have an allergy to raw fruit and raw vegetables, which doesn't make any sense. I'm also vegetarian, so it's all very weird. I'm not actually allergic to bananas. I just find them very untrustworthy and I hate their texture. And sometimes people put them near me and I'll genuinely scream.

Have you always had this yeah i think it's like it's like the mushiness is like the fact that like they can go really bad it's like the the skin that comes off it's like uh it's really horrible and sometimes and people are just so cavalier with their banana skins like they'll have a banana and then they'll just like strewn their banana skin like on a kitchen surface and all i can do is just think about the banana skin until they leave and I can like get somebody else to get rid of it because I don't want to touch it. Wow.

That's difficult because they're quite a useful kind of food. You know, they're sort of, they can like bulk things up quite nicely. You know, milkshakes are good with them. And like you can make banana sandwiches for kids and things like that. I know. See, my wife loves bananas. She always used to say it was her favourite fruit. But I found it quite weird because fruit to me is about being sweet and refreshing.

And a banana is more like a functional thing, you know. It's like saying your favourite chocolate is like 100% chocolate. And you're like, there's no joy. This isn't for you. You don't know. Yeah. It's interesting that you can't eat raw fruit and vegetables. That's quite a difficult thing to have it's really stupid i grew up on a farm like it doesn't make any sense basically i get um like my skin's allergic to like the protein on the outside

so if it's cooked it's destroyed but like if you just i went to the hospital and did like a test then they cut up loads of fruit and vegetables and they put them on my arm and then I just get a big hive. So the problem is it makes your throat get hives and be all swollen, so it's not very good. Not a good time. No. Okay. Well, I think, yeah, I mean, because also you couldn't even,

because it's all sand on the desert island, you couldn't even try and trip people up just to sort of keep yourself entertained. I mean, I did see someone slip on a banana skin once and as they sort of slipped, they actually looked around, see what they'd slipped on and actually laughed to themselves because they realised that, oh my God, it does happen. I'm that person. So that was quite nice.

Just before they hit the deck. Yeah, she was quite a glamorous model looking woman and she kind of just skidded on it a bit, but didn't fall over and then turned around. It's like, oh my God, it does happen. But you can't do that on the island. This is what I'm saying, they're dangerous. And you don't even like to touch them.

So you couldn't even do that anyway. So yeah, just having a big pile of bananas to go through. Oh, awful. E.T.'s head sticking out of them. Oh, don't. I can't. That's the thing as well. I bet Matthew Kelly would eat them like a really disgusting way.

Like the way he'd peel and eat a banana. I can't even it's it's so upsetting salt by seasoning it all doesn't need seasoning stop it um okay and what would your drink choice be so see this is another thing like so I don't trust bananas I also hate tomatoes so like a tomato like a I do not understand this bloody mary um situation like and the thing is I do like tomato like tomato and pizza if it's pure like I have to ask them when they come over and like no one really understands the question but I'm like is the tomato is there like bits or is it like pureed? And they always say it's pureed, but sometimes there's bits and you can see like the bit of the tomato and that's, I can't handle that. So, but I like, I do, if it's as long as it's smooth, like Pizza Express, I really like Pizza Express, I've said it a few times now, or ketchup, like that's fine.

But the texture and the gunk and the green bits and the seeds and the skin no I think um I mean I'm a really big tomato fan oh oh no okay you could go to the island as well then it sounds it sounds like an interesting place though I've got to say at the minute the sort of interplay of the characters and things but no I mean what I do because so I do I do like tomato juice but when I'm drinking it it does look disgusting and I can totally understand why people you know it's something that shouldn't be served in a clear glass because you know as you're drinking it you see like the the sides of the glass just look disgusting and I can totally understand why people are I think I've said this on the podcast before but once I was at an airport and I asked for a Bloody Mary

and the guy didn't know what one was and I said I was like you know it's like tomato juice and vodka and he looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about and I was like I know this sounds weird I know it sounds like a weird alcoholic that's just gone through all the other drinks and I'm just like sticking random things together so I can get pissed in a new way but it really is a thing he was like okay well is this you know is there a hidden camera like because he didn't seem like he'd worked there very long imagine going your whole life without knowing about that that's so funny yeah I mean it is a weird thing and then they're also popular on planes aren't they I mean people enjoy Bloody Mary on a plane. I don't understand.

Why? Why? People are so mad. I don't get it. Also, I'm allergic to celery. So like that is the worst kind of straw for me. Is that a straw? Why is it there?

I think it's sort of like flavours it and you can stir it and eat it while you're drinking it. I mean, I'm a Bloody Mary fan, but I could leave the celery to be honest. I don't think it's adding much but yeah for you we're going to add it in um obviously because it's got to be the worst one um so yeah okay well look fortunately to distract you we you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why so the film look it's

quite ironic considering the setting but it's got to be cast away yeah because people love it but i went to see it at the cinema and i'll tell you what there is not much story there's just a man and a ball and if i wanted to see that i'd go to the park like you don't i don't understand the appeal of that being a very very long unnecessarily long film when it's just a man and a ball like i want story I want relationships I want character I don't want a man and a ball have you seen it yeah I have yeah I was I was just thinking I was on holiday the other day with my family and we're in a swing pool and there's lots of balls kicking around and my son really liked one of the balls and he named it I can't remember what he named it

but he got really attached to this football floating around in the pool. And it was very sweet. But, you know, after like 10 minutes or so, we were ready to get out. I don't need that extended for that long into a film. That's the prequel. Yeah. In its childhood. Yeah, I think, I suppose it's interesting in that, you know,

you kind of think, oh, how would I survive? And the answer is not as well as him because he does all that maths to work out where the fuck he is. And I just give up. I just have to sit there and die with my ball. And that at doing stuff because you know i'd have no idea where i was in the world or how i crashed or how to get home yeah terrible swimmer so i wouldn't be brave enough to just try and get off it's like if i tried to get off the island i might as well just walk into the sea because i'm gonna die well that's it because if i think trying to swim off it would be too stressful because you don't know which way like you could so easily go one way and then just miss it and you'd be, like, so mad with yourself that you wouldn't even know. Yeah, and then you're just in the sea forever. Yeah. It's terrible.

I mean, I enjoyed the life of Pi, but, you know, he was basically going mad. I mean, I just don't want to be in the sea. At least we've got an island, although it's got E.T. and Matthew Kelly and Saltmate. There's bananas everywhere yeah maybe the sea would be bad anyway i think for some reason i'd seen it but i'd only seen the middle bit on the island and i hadn't seen the beginning for ages until recently in lockdown i thought i'll give it a go i didn't realize there was so much about logistics and like fedex and stuff in it

it's a very practical film i haven't seen it for a long time i just i went to go see it at the cinema when i was a teenager and it was it just made me so angry and i think also i was at that age where like so maybe it wasn't completely the film you're at that age where you just like want to go out and you want to do things and you're stuck watching a boring film and you're like like it just like makes you even more infuriated yeah so it's a weird film i think yeah if you're like like it just like makes you even more infuriated yeah so it's a weird film i think yeah if you're into that so then you might as well just watch like ray mears or something for the sort of crafty inventive side of it you know rather than the sort of drawn out relationship stuff yeah i just there's no there's no giving back from a ball there's no drama there's no like

i know they try and give it a personality and he like doesn't he draw a face in it or something it's like i mean there's just not like i'd like the intricacies of relationships a ball it's just it's not going to happen i think it's interesting you know there's a bit obviously you know spoiler alert he's getting off the island and the ball floats away and he's like well sir and well sir because it's his friend and i think at some point they probably had to let that happen because I really like the idea of the ball didn't float away, and then he goes back to society, but he's got this new best friend and he can't let go of it. And especially, you know, his wife's left him.

Castaway 2. We've got the prequel with your son, and then Castaway 2, he has to adapt to life with his best friend wilson yeah and he's just there getting really bitter about his wife and a new family it's like fucking oh and he's just got the ball he's like shut up wilson don't say that about her i still love her and you know wilson's the only one that's been there for me this whole time you weren't there you don't know what it was like and he stuck a cigarette out of the side of the ball he's put a little hole in it so you puts cigarettes in no i'd see that film yeah yeah

i don't think he's gonna make it now unfortunately but we're gonna have to make it happen but okay but before we do um what's your song choice gonna be well look i'm just in the middle of it at the moment with the baby so it's very difficult because i need this song but also I hate this so baby shark has become a song that gives my baby real joy which is a wonderful thing it's also really randomly helps her go to sleep like it's like the like the bizarrest song that it's like the complete opposite of like a lullaby but it like when she hears that music she starts like going to sleep it's like a cue for her um but it's like it's just it's just in your brain just like all day every day just those those words over and over again and you just think

what thoughts could i have had or or what things could have happened if my brain wasn't full of fucking baby shark yeah yeah yeah it's such a weird thing with parenting like people don't tell you just the amount of times you're gonna have to listen to like two competing sound sources neither of which you really want to hear that much for like a really extended period and i suppose the only thing i could say from having maybe you know having an older kids is that um at some point you're going to have heard it so much you will cease to hear it anymore. Like my son, my oldest son's got this sheep that he had when he was a baby

that, you know, plays a song when he goes to sleep. And I used to sit there with him and I just fucking hated it so much. It's like this fucking song and it went on for 20 minutes and I have to sit there and I was like, oh God. And then it was just in my head forever. And now like it can be on, I won't even notice it. Like I can't even hear it anymore. So it's like, you have to go through that point.

Yeah. But one day it will cease. It's like, I worked at a radio station for years and I had the same thing with Nickelback, you know, like for a long time and I don't even hear it anymore. I don't even notice it. But for the longest god it drove me insane yeah you know when they're sort of interrogating prisoners and they sort of play music on repeat or like in a siege thing and they just blast like terrible music at them for a long time and it sort of wears them down i reckon if

it was parents they'd be okay i think they just get through it yeah it's like we've been through our own war you know like our brains we have a way of like switching off and just like staring at a wall which um is a really good skill for life and for surviving a desert island yeah but yeah baby shark i mean it's it's sort of it doesn't make any sense i mean what again it's like one of those things like how did did this happen? I mean, you know, we get nursery rhymes. I understand those. Some are better than others. But how did that just kick off?

It doesn't make sense as a concept. Like the story doesn't make sense. Logically, it doesn't make sense. The noise is like they have managed to like they've made crack for babies. Like it's wild. You show them the cartoon or like the music and they're just like they're like crazy like they've just like cracked it it's um it's really terrifying how um you can control a thing that's so young that doesn't even know its own mind yet

yeah baby shark is terrible and and it's impossible not to start singing it or like the worst is when you start adapting it you know so you might sort of then be like cup of tea do do do do do do oh for fuck's sake i feel like humanity in like 20 years it's just like we're all just going to be going around like saying our conversations to baby shark just talking to each other like baby shark it's like a really scary uh future that we've got ahead absolutely it's not climate change we need to worry about it's a future musical of baby shark yeah definitely like what did the end of the world look like well it was it was more confusing when the dinosaurs died just everyone walking around

actually what the scientists predicted. People just went mad from the sound of baby shark. The only thing that could stop them singing in the end was the sea levels rising. Sort of like going past their mouth. It was a sweet release. Okay. Finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why

so this is a really difficult decision for me because i have two like i'm a vegetarian i love animals i want the best for animals apart from two animals like well three technically i don't understand why we let them be and i know that that's a very like bad thing to say but like i really don't understand why we don't just get rid of them and like we just like just orders like just shut our eyes for the day and just get rid of all of them and then we're just done so rats snakes and crocodiles are my top three i think my absolute worst at the moment is going to have to be rats. When we moved into our house, did Bobby say this when he came on the podcast?

I can't remember. I'm trying to remember now. So we moved into our house in the middle of lockdown and our house had been taken over by rats and the woman that owned the house before just hadn't mentioned. We'd literally got the key from her and she never mentioned the fact that there was a rat infestation living in the house it was like it was like something i can't even like describe and they were like rats in the

walls like my cat was like terrified like they were like a rat ran over bobby bobby's foot and like ran out of the house like for freedom and then we had to like flee the house like just it was like off the first place that we'd bought like it was so exciting and then within 24 hours we had to flee because the rats owned the house it was awful oh wow yeah I think there's just something about animals like even if like I don't have a particular problem with rats until I see one like out of context you know like if it's you know like i've had pet rats with friends before we had a shared house and that was fine they were like nice and in a cage and it's okay but when you see them like i've seen them on the street and i'm like oh the fuck is that you know like it's and and that i mean that environment that sounds horrend I mean, if they were all in my house, it's just,

because what do you fucking do? You can't just, you know, a fly you can swat. You can't just swat a rat. What did you do? You have to bare knuckle fight a rat. It was wild. There was like, because there was like a weird smell and we knew that we had to do a lot of work to the place.

But there was, and that's part of the reason why we got it. But there was this weird smell and we knew that we had to do like a lot of work to the place. But there was, and like, that's part of the reason why we got it. But there was this weird smell and we just couldn't get rid of it. And we were like pulling apart cupboards and trying to clean. And we just found this like pile of rat shit. And then we opened a drawer and there was a sign in one of the drawers saying, keep drawer open for rat wrangling. And then we Googled rat wrangling. And apparently it's like, it is like a way of like living harmoniously among the rats.

So I don't know. I don't know what happened, but the rats took over and it was just, it was, it was literally a living nightmare. It was me, the rats, Matthew Kelly.

It was, it was awful. Cause when I moved into this house, the person who lived here before wrote me a note saying like, Oh, literally a living nightmare it was me the rats matthew kelly it was it was awful because when i moved into this house the person who lived here before wrote me a note saying like oh by the way this is how the heater works like this is like you know this is how the thermostat works it's a bit funny but here's the knack they didn't like to say keep this drawer open to to live peacefully with the rat infestation i would have loved a note saying how the heating works that i would have absolutely loved that that's so insane like that obviously was left for you i mean

how you wouldn't need to remind yourself i don't know if it was a reminder for the the family if it was like a like like you know like you leave no like maybe for the cleaner who obviously isn't doing the job very well i leave passive aggressive notes my husband like i have been known to leave notes saying like open the curtains otherwise he like won't open the curtains but like leave drawer open for rat wrangling it's really it's too much oh man that is oh that is so bad obviously you know we can get into snakes and crocodiles as well. But I mean, I know you haven't got like a garden full of crocodiles. And then we went upstairs. We were like, what the fuck?

And leave toilet seat down for crocodiles. Yeah. No, I just don't like them. We went to the Gambia one year and it was amazing. Like it was so beautiful. But we went to this restaurant and outside they had a lagoon full of crocodiles. And they were like, it's the mystical lagoon. Like the crocodiles just live in the lagoon, but they don't attack.

And I think what they mean is it's the lagoon full of drugs that keep the crocodiles really quiet because they're really really sedated um but you had to like sit by them and eat knowing there was a crocodile there and i just i find them so unnerving and so evil and i know you shouldn't say that about an animal but i i do think they're evil they've got like two settings they're either so still you think they're dead or they're so fast and dangerous. You know, where's your middle setting? Like how can you live with something like that? Find a medium, crocodiles.

Yeah. And yeah, I mean, snakes, obviously we can. I mean, I suppose the snakes could eat the rats. That might help. But I mean, if it's going to be the worst island, we're going to assume that they're just going to live in harmony they've seen the note about the rat wrangling and yeah i feel like the the snakes will eat the rats and then the crocodiles will eat the snakes but then you'll just get like super crocodiles because they'll be so strong because of all the rats and the snakes that they've eaten and it's like it's going to be real bad i mean we've ended on a really strong

note there because i think just the idea of you, the snakes eat the rats and the crocodiles eat the snakes. I mean, we can't better that sentence. I'm going to have nightmares now about this island, about Matthew Kelly and the crocodiles and the snakes and the rats and the bananas and the tomatoes and the ETs. Well, do you know what? I had a therapist who was saying, because I was having lots of bad nightmare, well, bad sleep. And she was saying, no, the idea is not to not think about it you want to like you know write it all down before you go to bed and then your brain's done all the the churning around and then you can sleep better so maybe now this is you know maybe this will be the answer maybe you know they'll banish

all the bad things from your mind maybe i'm no psychologist i've never pretended to be but you never know anyway look let's distract you harriet tell us what you're up to because you've just been at edinburgh you've got a tour going on you do podcasts you've got lots going on yes so i'm at um i'm not sure if this is out in time but i'm at soho theater um we'll live next week which is very exciting and then i'm on tour uh nationwide So if you live nationwide, I'm probably coming. And then, yeah, just doing like bits and bobs. Hopefully, I've had a podcast for a long time and I think we're rejigging it

and hopefully launching something new soon. So yeah, the best thing is to follow me on Instagram or something. It's Harriet Kemsley. And then that's where what I'm up to will be. Brilliant. Well, we'll all look out for your stuff there. And thank you for coming on Desert Island Dixie. It's been a real pleasure.

Thank you. It's been so fun. I can't believe the baby is still asleep. This is amazing. Amazing. Bye.