Desert Island Dicks - ASA BENNETT

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is The Telegraph's Brexit Commissioning Editor, Asa Bennett. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Brexit Commissioning Editor for The Telegraph, Asa

Bennett. Hello. Hi, Asa. How are you? I'm delighted to be here. Yeah, thank you so much. Away from thinking about Brexit for a bit. A bit of a Brexit break. Oh, nice. Okay, a little Brexit break on the island. Yes, a bit of a catharsis. I mean, obviously, you have to get quite far away from the Brexit

debate like this, but if a desert island is my refuge, so be it. Okay, nice. Okay, as always, let's let's dive in who's gonna be your first person well i think i'm gonna have to head straight for him george galloway george galloway okay now he obviously was the former respect mp and very much as uh you know i have no idea what he's doing these days mainly because i'll just be blunt he's blocked me on twitter okay i cannot have any idea what he's doing these days, mainly because, I'll just be blunt, he's blocked me on Twitter. Okay. I cannot have any idea at all. We have clashed before,

the almighty, gorgeous George that he is, and it was for the weird reason, because I'm part of the special club of being blocked by George Galloway on Twitter, because I reported how he didn't compare the SNP to Nazis, or something. I basically was fact-busting for him, and he's so touchy, his people just thought,

right, that's it. He put the word Nazi and Galloway in a headline block basically. Wow. And I've tried to point that out. Basically, he's just got such a fantastically thin skin afterwards.

I, you know, I pointed out later on that he ran for London Mayor in a campaign, I think it was, back when Zach Goldsmith and Sadiq Khan were running. He had this maverick thing of George

with the kind of trilby hat, like he's some kind of wannabe mobster. And he recorded the strangest video of him in a misty night, walking down the street for about 30 seconds, a long tracking shot, and you're thinking, okay, where's this going? And he goes, hello, I'm George Galloway.

And it's like, what? It's just coming out of nowhere. He's just standing in a rubbish truck. What is that? He's just talking about, as London Mayor, oh, please, George, I've just lost it. As soon as you try to think you're an experimental art house film director.

Wow, yeah. What's wrong with you, man? How odd. The weirdest thing was that, despite being out of Parliament, he still had George Galloway MP. Right, okay. As his profile. I kind of pointed out to him like on twitter's of george um you know have you considered updating your job status and he was like no no no you can't change it on twitter you can't change on facebook

so pathetic yeah did you say that to him on twitter then i would could have i didn't need to i thought because you know i basically i think i had to get my message to him by logging as someone else because he still blocked me at that time this is the thing he's just so trigger happy with it and obviously it's not always about my own personal beef with him because obviously you know there's so many reasons to deplore the man and you just want him elsewhere you You know, whether it's ranging from his larking around as a cat on Big Brother and that impression of Rula Lenska, you know, was it sipping and licking milk up from her hands? Yeah.

But also just the kind of fascination he has had with all sorts of dictators, you know, the applauding Saddam Hussein's indefatigability. I'm not sure how to pronounce that word correctly. Right, wow, okay. And sort of saying that, what was it, Bashar al-Assad

is a fresh, a breath of fresh air. Yeah, he really is a lovely chap. Have you met him? Through social media, I have. Through social media, okay.

I think his people, you know, friends of his have contacted me about all sorts that have happened and, you know, all sorts of stories

about how, you know, he used to be, I was told once, a boxer in Dundee. He was very good at this because he was in the Navy. He was old fighting George. So obviously I'm very careful what I'm saying because I don't want him charging into the studio. It's not live.

It's fine. He'll find out. Even if he doesn't know where I am on Twitter or, you know, on the social media airwaves, he'll track this place down. Because basically, I swear to God, he probably has a Google search for his name or something. Oh, yes, regularly, I imagine.

Yeah. So, yeah, I have no idea what he's doing now. Well, I think he presents a show on talk radio occasionally. Ah. And which he kind of brands himself as the sort of one person who's willing to be nice about Jeremy Corbyn. Right.

And so he posted things like, I still, although I say I have no idea what he's doing now, I have seen people screenshot his tweets and into my timeline. So I'm aware of one or two really silly moments where like at one point when they were trying to kind of gang up on him, the Labour MPs, he posted this really weird tweet of him standing,

I think, Nelson's column, wearing his kind of all-encompassing Matrix coat again, with like a cigar in his mouth, chomping a cigar with Corbyn next to him, being like, I am the only one standing next to Jeremy. Oh, wow. In that photo, yes, you are, mate. Yeah, just in that one picture. a skull with corbin next to him being like i am the only one standing next to jeremy oh wow look at that photo yes you are just in that one picture um so this kind of paints a picture of him that he sees himself as kind of this uh kind of arty character when it with his like long coat on with

his cigar and he's like he really paints a picture of himself in his mind i mean he's just a wannabe revolutionary and that the funniest thing about the celebrity big brother thing, by the way, which we'll remember is just the cat, the leotard, he walked around, how silly was he, was, do you remember why

he said he was going to go on that show? No. Because he wanted to talk about Palestine. Right, okay. That was his excuse. And I think at that time, he was still an MP and that's why it was all controversial.

And he said, oh, no, no, no, no, you know, I am there to air the plight of the Palestinian people. And, you know, he's someone no, you know, I am there to air the plight of the Palestinian people. And, you know, he's someone who, you know, goes off there on all sorts of adventures and you name it. And do you remember anything he said on that show about it? No, not at all.

No! It's the delusion of the man. Is it the kind of thing that the producers might build up? George, have you got something controversial that you could say before you go on? Oh, yeah, I'll think of something. Don't worry. I'll have something on the day.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Instead, I suspect that he just wanted all the attention. He wanted the infamy. And the fact that, like, I remember after getting in, because he was briefly an MP, and then he sort of left, came back to Bethnal Green and Bow, ousted Una King. And there was this really, like, nasty exchange

with Jeremy Paxman on the election night, where, you know, Paxman was like, so, how do you feel about ousting one of the few black female MPs in Parliament? And he just kept going, Jeremy, are you not going to thank me for my stunning electoral victory? I just refused

to acknowledge it, to thank him for his amazing electoral victory against the odds because I am George Galloway. Oh, right, okay. I see. George Galloway. Oh, right. Okay, I see. George Galloway. So do you often get people messaging you with stories then like saying, oh, I've got a story about this person.

Does that happen quite often? Yeah, I mean, there's normally sort of tip-offs and all sorts that happen. I mean, the weirdest one I once had was, do you remember when Nigel Farage was staying to be MP in South Fannet? Yeah.

And there was a... I'm trying to remember the name. It's's completely absurd there was a sort of comedy candidate i'm thinking called the alzababist fringe of oog i'm gonna get the they pretend to be sort of a cult from like you remember like sort of scientologists yes i think they're that sort of pastiche and this man would run around you know in sort of army combat gear. I think he won like 46 votes at the end or something. Amazing. And he would just keep sort of saying like, oh, you know, Nigel's

an absolute racist. He would just chase him. He was like the Al Murray sort of comedy candidate, but not funny, basically. And so he would ring me up the whole time with bizarre tips. One was quite useful, actually. I'll give him credit. And he basically said, well, we've heard that Nigel Farage has been trying to book a tank on election day

to ride around in. And presumably the idea being people's army. Look, there he is in a tank. The general. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Look at me. That sort of thing.

And I was like, oh, how do you know this? Because we've been trying to book the tank. Oh, that's amazing. That's so good. It's been booked. Because I said to you, and you kept, okay, so what happened? Well, we did think about this.

We thought it would be a bit OTT. That's amazing. No wonder. As if. That's a great tip, though. It was the one, and the reason why they particularly knew it was a contested market

is because there's only one tank supplier in Kent, really, or they claimed. But then then afterwards they told me this completely absurd idea about how like oh sort of tracy emmons supporting them and she's involved don't you know because she lives in market in kent and i looked it was complete cobblers yeah yeah so maybe i'll trust this lunatic all right they just tried it on yeah they were pushing their luck too far yeah okay um all right interesting anything else on george before we put george on the island maybe I'll trust this lunatic. Oh, right, they just tried it on. No, they were pushing their luck too far. Yeah, okay. All right, interesting. Anything else on George

before we put George on the island? Yes, absolutely. I think one of the most cringeworthy things about George Galloway, amid all that I've said, is his response to, what, just women and anything about sexual politics. Ah, okay.

A friend of mine works in a legal practice that has helped advise George Galloway before. And he'd often sort of ring up and as soon as he hears a female voice down the line, you know, oh, hello, dear. It's George. Oh, right, okay. And obviously, this nickname is Gorgeous George because of how he had a bit of a playboy lifestyle back in the day.

And the cringiest thing about all this is, do you remember the Julian Assange? The early days of him having all this kind of accusations about his peccadilloes, what he's done in Sweden, you name it, Galloway had a hot take on one of his podcasts. And he blamed, I'm going to quote Mr. Assange's, quote, bad sexual etiquette. Okay. Interesting. And a pint that, again, is even worse.

And he said, quote, not everybody needs to be asked prior to each insertion. No. Yes. No. And so I was thinking, if you're taking... Oh, no, it's unspeakable, basically. It's unbelievable.

I rest my case. Yeah, okay. Get him on that island. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much, Asa. George Galloway goes on. And who's going to be his second choice?

Well, after George Galloway, that may have been like shooting fish in a barrel. So I'm going to go for a bit more of an ambitious target here. Ed Miliband. Ed Miliband. Okay. Ed Miliband. Right.

Well, where do I begin? I think it's just, we all remember how he was meant to be at one point. The man who was going to be Prime Minister. The polls indicated it. You know, look at him. Let's think seriously about Prime Minister Miliband, the Miliband government, you know, verge of power.

Where is he now, basically? He's still MP. And, you know, despite going around saying, okay, back in my day, I want to have no MPs taking second jobs. He's got a second job running a podcast, which, obviously, to its credit, its credit fine okay it's won awards he sits there pontificating about you know the joys of universal basic incomes and policies and just being like a one-man think tank and running arena tours which you can sort of you know do yeah he's still meant to be an mp

and it's just bizarre the man's priorities because he's basically become a meme right yes okay i see we go sort of all things to all people now where you just think oh isn't he really funny he he's sort of on twitter he's unleashed he retweets donald trump saying you know donald's a bit xenophobic and everyone's like oh wow i haven't been the band you're so witty wow if only you were prime minister he tried he failed at the same time uh like when he goes on you know all these comedy shows or host the jeremy vine uh show when he goes on you know all these comedy shows or host the jeremy vine uh show where he just takes calls about toilets and there's all very funny but what are you doing you sort of you're still an mp you're meant to be there shelping shape

labor debate arguably this is my pet theory arguably he is responsible for everything we're in on politics right now because okay you trace that let's let's take a step back through politics for a second. The EU referendum, one of the key things people argued about from the Remain campaign that left them pulling their hair out was having someone like Jeremy Corbyn there who was sort of a bit diffident, 7.5 out of 10 for the EU, didn't really bother, phoned it in. And, you know, so, okay, you may argue that if they had someone more energetic,

more sort of centrist, more pleasing to remain campaign, then, you know, things may have gone a bit differently. Okay, wind it back a step further. Obviously, Miliband does credit that he did try and say radical things, you know, mansion tax, you name it. He was the intellectual foreground for Corbyn. And so there's that, that helped him. At the same time, his to um basically when uh this labor

mp eric joyce headbutted a tory in a bar and his reaction was to kind of bring in all these changes because then the whole hullabaloo and the constituency of fall kirk meant that they were gonna you know have to try and worry about the unite unions of tinkering with the vote and he decided okay and infamously the right if you pay three pounds you can be a member of the labour party thing okay that's infamously the corbyn you know fans dived on that in a way and so basically miller band's responsible for everything in my view responsible for everything just you know it's a chain of events a domino chain that begins with how he's handled these things it's a sort of sliding doors scenario where, you know, if he'd handled that differently,

if, let's say, he'd, you know, campaigned ever so slightly differently, you know, maybe Corbyn wouldn't be in, maybe he'd still be around. Who knows? I mean, it's just basically, this is where it all went off the rails. Are you saying that Ed Miliband is responsible for Brexit?

You could draw a very clear line. I mean, I'm not saying that he is the only cause. Of course, I can be very earnest with you for a second and say there's long brewing, 40 years of discontent, et cetera, et cetera. But let's put it this way. If he, you know, would still been on, if he'd still clung on in some ways,

if he hadn't been, you know, everyone says, oh, he's such a genius now. He's so clever. Look at him, he's so enthusiastic and genial outside of power, you know, it could have been a different story. It's fascinating to ponder. At the same time, because whenever he's asked now about things happening in Corbyn's Labour,

he always sort of acts like a bemused outsider. Okay. Not sort of elder statesman who was head of the Labour Party. He always comes late to the kind of, whenever some anti-Semitic uh outrage is happening or some debate goes on he's a vat's like oh no don't ask me i'm just a podcaster you know it's like come on you respect your position in that way you know you've been somewhere you sort of and like this is the thing obviously i would you know if you became leader of the labour party you know so i congratulate

you i'd be very surprised of course it's like you don't even know your position as i said so you'd appreciate that i don't maybe i'm just jealous of how he can no no go on go on you were making a point about how he can be an mp of the podcast at the same time right okay he's a man of many talents maybe i am but it's it just seems presumptuous and the fact that he just seems to get off scot-free from all this and just that sort of bemused and say you know tune into my next arena tour and you know make sure to follow me next time it looks like well you know everyone piles so much blame on david cameron george osborne the tory side but what about the label lot you know scott free you know ed balls dancing on strictly and he's just doing documentaries ed miller band you know similar thing practically okay i did not realize

i'm so furious about it i think it's also, it just particularly irks me how like, he's managed to change himself then from the sort of gawky, sort of po-faced politician to, oh, cuddly and Miliband, look at him, you know, sort of appearing. And there's this lovely charity sketch

that was done by The Last Leg in which he kind of interrupts a load of bickering news anchors with like, guys, guys, guys, how about we all share a lovely sandwich?

And you're thinking, really? Just a comedy act now. Okay, yeah. I'll tell you something interesting about Ed Miliband and his podcast. I get mentioned in every episode

of that podcast. You deserve that. You deserve it. Yeah. No, what it is, is I used to work with Jeff, who does that podcast, and he asked me to make the production so like the idents and stuff um and i've never met ed milliband and interestingly

because what you said about the last leg is at christmas ed milliband i got a christmas card from ed milliband and said thanks for working on the front of the christmas card was a picture of ed milliband on the motorbike hold on a motorbike in a leather jacket holding a bacon sandwich. Yeah, that's the thing. He's owned it. Fine, I give him credit and obviously clearly it's a sign of your magic touch that his podcast has been a success. It's nothing to do with me.

I'd beg to differ. But even then it's just having listened to it when everyone does. The bottom line for me is just that he seems to have just abandoned everything he's done over the last few years. It's almost like he's rewriting his own history. You know, don't mind me.

I'm just a philosopher now. Right, okay, yes. I just like to think big thoughts. So do you think that it's out of... So is it, being naive here, is it out of character for an MP to do something like that, to do a podcast? Is there any other cases that you can think of similar?

Well, I think it's perfectly rational. There's reasonable allowances for it. But the thing is, is that Miliband used to be really earnest as Labour leader, saying that MPs shouldn't take second jobs. And he's literally breaking his own word. Okay. I mean, so it's one of those many things where if you compare Labour leader Ed Miliband,

man who could be Prime Minister Ed Miliband, to just this guy, hello, I'm Doncaster North MP Ed Miliband. You do quite a good impression, actually. It's always an inverse proportion. For when I don't do it on demand, I seem to do it really well. When we were like,

right, so can you try and do it on Ed Miliband? Oh, well, guys, you know. That was good. It was Tony Blair, for some reason. Oh yeah, it was kind of leaning on the Blair, actually. Yeah, too much. But hey, you know, that's in some ways why people wanted to have him as Labour leader, because he wasn't Blair.

Okay. He was more New Labour, a break from that. Okay. Ed Miliband, anything else on Ed Miliband? I think I've entered my spleen enough on him. He's on the island. Okay, and who's going to be your third choice? Well, this is a decisive break from politics.

Interesting, okay. Paul Hollywood. Paul Hollywood! I know. I mean, first off, I did double-check this, and Paul Hollywood is his real name. And I thought, come on, a name like Hollywood, you must think it's vague, it's like homer simpson when he called himself max power yes yeah too good to be true but no that's really his name i think it's just there's nothing i can approve of with that man no okay it's it's it all began i suppose you know as everyone will hopefully agree with me on

when he betrayed mary berry yeah mel and sue by you know taking the dough as it were running off to a new production company for channel four you know not deciding to spin off the original gang let a new generation come through instead you know paul saw the pound signs and you know saw where his money would be made okay right a business decision fine and it's also just that thing where look we're all taking the mick out of Sean Walsh and Katya Jones for having a bit of a snog. Oh, my God, this is an awful, you know, affair, you name it. All the headlines that go with that on Strictly.

But then, you know, he had his own thing, which he completely gets forgiven for, it seems. And it all passes over of when he went off to America and getting, shall we say, too close to an American female judge on that show. Sort of like America's baking contest equivalent. Interesting. And then he did all kind of, oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm okay now. My personal life is fine. And, you know, just being a silly, silly man. And then suddenly he now seems to be off with someone who's 30 years younger than him. Interesting. Okay. And now he's, you know, separated. Obviously, you know, I think it's just the standards he's setting Interesting. Okay. And now he's separated. Obviously, you know,

I think it's just the standards he's setting amid all this. And at the same time, you know, okay, personal life notwithstanding, you know, running, it seems, an absolutely... It's like a sort of cash cow process he's now got as a cookery expert. It's almost like with Jamie Oliver, but Jamie Oliver's too easy to snag off,

so this is why I'm focusing on Hollywood. Okay. Where it's part of the business. He he has cranks out the books every year a new documentary on things i think i was double checking before coming in and he has about seven books out with just his name on them cookbooks they're sort of poor hollywood's breads poor hollywood's puds poor hollywood's you know 100 best breads breads incidentally as we know are as special as my hair yes because he made the most expensive bread in Britain. £15 a kilo. Who buys bread that expensive?

Is that how much it was? £15 a kilo? Ooh, that's expensive bread. I mean, even Harrods probably would turn their nose up about how expensive that is. But, you know,

this is part of the, apparently, the Hollywood taste for you there. Right. So I think it's just, I mean, the books thing just get really like hacks me off in some ways i know because obviously if you're a celebrity you have to turn

yourself into a you know money making machine but it just makes it feel there's so much less soul in it because obviously you think okay particularly for cooking and maybe i've only got one two books you know classic delia smith you know a bible of many kitchens and you think okay once you've done that once you've said okay here are the best puds you know here's some more good puds yes okay even more yeah yeah hooks you in oh okay paul hollywood has come up on this before but it was for a very personal reason and uh a comedian i had on recently called matt adlington he said that he was in australia and he was crossing the road and this bentley sped up as he was crossing the road and this Bentley sped up as he was crossing the road and he had to sort of scarper across the road and look back

and then the person he was with nudged him and said, oh, that was Paul Hollywood in that car. And he was like, he almost just run me over. Well, there we go. That's all you need to know about the man. I know. That's classically, that's how he is. And the same thing, I know what he's praised for is that sort of everyday bloke, you know, not too fancy. And, you thing, like, I know what he's praised for is that sort of everyday bloke,

you know, not too fancy. Yes. And, you know, people lionize on the British Bake Off how he has something called the Hollywood handshake. I know. I know. What? That's just sort of evolved over time, isn't it?

I think it's just people clearly taking the piss of the man having a basic sense of etiquette and manners. You know, like, here you go with the big hammy mitt. You're just like, well done, that's a nice topping. And he just comes and judges you, peers his big meat face over your shoulder while you're cooking into the pontificates. Basically, I just can't bear the man.

Yeah, he's just like judging your pile of sort of flour and water and butter mixed together for episodes and episodes. I'm just saying, it's the easiest job ever as well, just being the bake-off judge. You know, because in some ways, just being able to

stick your finger in the cake and go, oh, well, you need to work on that a bit. Like, we don't know. We can't taste the same cake. Just go, oh, well,

that sounds like a really good job. You'd know. And saying that they have to do it because they respect him and because they want a poor Hollywood handshake. That's it. And nowadays, I know people go on to have careers after the Bake Off.

If you've been on the Bake Off, you can go on to have a career of some description. But anyone that's been on telly for any reason nowadays seems to be able to make a career out of it, right? Oh, of course. It's just, you know, any of these shows, you can do something afterwards, get an agent, and that's it. Oh, yeah, definitely. I'm sure some of it is just a matter of getting yourself

as far away from poor Hollywood as possible. That's only my strategy, given that it seems that many of them at least bake off, unlike other reality shows, at least has people who genuinely have a passion for it and just want to bake. And so obviously some of them aren't on the panel shows turning into sort of pundits and having their own talk shows. You know, they just open their own quiet bakery shop and there we go.

That's it. Oh, yeah, I'm going to get some bread for matey. It's not like an apprentice where you just have to live on Lord Sugar's coattails, you know, permanently working with him, shackles by the leg to him for life. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so Paul Hollywood goes on the island. And the thing is, I was thinking of someone else who could really well join him, or instead of him, but why not with him as well?

Okay, a sneaky extra. Okay, let's do it. Let's smuggle him on the boat, why not? Yeah, okay. David Walliams. David Walliams. I mean, the man... There's one thing I would share, you know,

in the sort of shotgun blast of criticism I'm using here that could hit them both, in a sense, of just how commoditised they are. How much they turn themselves into these kind of McDonald's global corporation limited style enterprises that have to churn out books so much. Obviously his thing is children's books. And that you know

by nature of all the lols he did on Little Britain and by just of a goodwill in a sense. It seems that you know he could put his name to every children's book practically every year and it flies off a sense. It seems that he could put his name to a children's book of practice every year, and it flies off the shelves. It'd be bought by grandmothers, relatives, and all sorts, in goodwill for their little ones.

And at the same time, I guess the effect, in my view, of that, is it just means it makes the market less welcoming for newcomers. Well, unless it's David Walliams. It's a non-starter. So it's the kind of effect you have of just... I mean, I have no proof and I'm not going to suggest at all that he

doesn't write them or anything. It's more just that he would at least have his name on them. Yes. And so by the Williams brand it feels

like unless you are a celebrity unless you made your name elsewhere you can't make your name there. Yes. Same way with Hollywood you know of course

there's no emerging culinary writers who just you know from the grassroots by word of mouth write their own books no it's Hollywood with the big name

on all the shelves and then it's in everyone's Christmas list or under every tree exactly you can't escape Hollywood or Walliams it's there

the sort of Gemma Collins of their industries in that sense interesting a lot of PR but you know there we go

but what have we got going for them because at the same time the other extra note with Walliams, but this is maybe for another episode, practically. It's just, you know, the way everyone adores him, but then you'll forget about Matt Lucas.

Yes. Who, you know, I think was very much, he pulled his weight, maybe half, if not more, of the comedic talent on Little Red Riding Hood. Absolutely, yeah. So now everyone's like, oh, no, no, David Walliams gets all the fun, you know, sort of just like pretend snogging Simon Cowell on... I know, it's tedious, isn't it?

Yeah. It is tedious. Matt Lucas, you know, he was the baby on Shooting Stars. He was there first, right, as far as I'm aware. And maybe he wants to live a slightly more quiet life. I think it's maybe a bit of that, but also perhaps, and this might be getting a bit sort of too woke to say it

but because Dave Walliams is you know sort of tall photogenic conventional sort of looking man it's much easier to imagine him

just on things you know whereas Matt Lucas of course bold looks different He plays the twins in Alice in Wonderland

for example the two egg twins. So it's less adaptable. And the thing is, Walliams, actually, that reminds me, actually, of something else he's done, just shows how soulless and effortless some of his work is. I remember they've revived a show recently, I think from the 80s, one of those clip shows in the spirit of You've Been Framed,

in which he's on it now as the sort of MC. But he's too lazy to turn up in the studio. So it's just like a CGI cartoon version of him commenting popped up on the screen, just saying, God, that was a funny clip. It's one of those shows that was like when things go wrong on popular TV. Right, right, right.

But he's just recorded it. Maybe someone's gone to his house to record because he couldn't be bothered to leave his house. And they just do a CG. He's probably just in his pyjamas. He's so busy. He'll crank out more children's books

at the same time. He's just phoning it in. Ridiculous. I just knew about it. When I read that, I thought, oh, it's too much Walliams. A bonus Walliams.

Okay, all right. We'll sneak a Walliams. Don't tell anyone. In the cargo hold. Okay. Asa, thank you very much. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B- and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you is your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad food food say wasabi crackers. You know, the biscuits, the little things you get. Only because they taste horrendous. They taste of sewage warmed up, basically.

But that sort of kick at the end, curry gone wrong. It's wrong. And the thing that annoys me most about them is how, because of many, many bars, honestly, we're trying to be a bit classy these days, gastropubs, they give you this sort of cocktail mix of little lovely sticks of all sorts,

prawn cocktail, you name it, and there's always the wasabi somewhere there. It's sort of like a Russian roulette. You pick it up some-mindedly, thinking, oh, great, it's a popcorn. A snack, yeah. Oh, wasabi flavour, no! And so, just how much of a spoil spoiler this to encounter it

it's you know it is the blue m&m it's sort of something that you don't want it's like what is it doing there the ugly swan ah just you hate it just ruining so many mixes i think it just needs to be taken away obviously i'm sure it's great for you know cafes cinemas you name it to seem very cultured learned and international international and having wasabi. But I think that in this country, I believe, wasabi isn't actually wasabi. Like, have you been to Japan? Not yet. No, neither have I.

But I believe in Japan, wasabi tastes different. It's much nicer because here they use horseradish dyed green. That makes some sense. Because I know they always say with, you know, chicken tikka masala, etc., that that was a curry adapted for our tastes. Yes, for sure. Even then, well, I'd like to try traditional, proper wasabi then. Yeah, yeah.

Because it's just done wrong. I mean, maybe it's just I have an absolute animus against horseradish. I'm learning something now. How are you with mustard? Oh, God, no. No, okay. It's a ketchup man every time. Those peppery flavours that get right up in your nose,

that sort of thing. I can deal with spice. I've enjoyed spice. But it's just, wasabi does it wrong. It's a tang. It's so unpleasant as a result. It ruins snacks on your pub nights out rather than gains and adds to it.

Okay, wasabi. So, not ideal for you if the cargo hold is full of wasabi snacks. And what's going to be your drink choice? It would be torture with wasabi. It would be... I can admit that that would be brutal for the rest of your life.

I mean, I can imagine poor Hollywood would bake them into a nice bread or something. Yes, okay. And this is the thing. When I pick Hollywood, by the way, in some ways, besides everything I've said and pouring bile on him and all that, it's a cynical purpose.

At least he can make basic sustenance. We can hope there's sort of grain on the island, maybe. Maybe, yeah. Well, it's a pretty desert, pretty arid, so, I mean, he's going to probably... He can get salt from boiling down the water and then use the purified water to make some kind of dough. I don't know, I'm just thinking here.

I mean, he could at least try and give you some nice slop and pretend it's good bread. Be a bug pie. Well, the longer you spend on the island, the less you'll remember what bread tastes like. Very good point. He could give you anything. Okay, so wasabi's going to be your food choice

and what's going to be your drink? This is going to win me so many fans. Beer. Beer? Yeah. Beer? I mean, I perfectly can drink beer. It doesn't ruin the evenings out for me like wasabi might.

It's just, it's the least efficient drink. Right, okay. It's, you know, you've got all the sort of heaviness, all the kind of, you know, it fills you up, oh my God, you know, you've got all the sort of heaviness, all the kind of, you know, he fills you up, oh my God, you know, everything is wrong as a result because the cannery counts through the roof. If you just have, you know, one too many pints, et cetera, as a result, well, it's just drink wine.

It's much more effective. It's much quicker. Do you like wine? I mean, maybe more of a wine or spirits person. I think it's also just as a subdivision, and this is where I'm just going to double down on this, I'm afraid. It's just the beer sort of community, the fetishisation

wow I can't even pronounce fetishisation better the beer community, they really are quite something the way this adoration of craft beer and the snobbery that happens, oh that's a very heavy ale you've got there, what's wrong with that

wow, on one level I think I'd just say only two points as well with this knobbery that happens. I'm like, oh, that's a very heavy ale you've got there. You know, what's wrong with that? Wow. On one level, I think I'd just say only two points as well with this, is you never have wine belly. You always have beer belly. Yes, it's true. Yeah.

And so the effect clearly is something wrong with the, you know, that's the nature of the drink. And I think obviously I'm going to obsess about curry again, but I mean,

I can still drink it with curry, but I can have soft drinks just as much just because it's cold. It's just often so flavourless. Yes, okay, yeah. I do know what you mean.

Yeah, with like some lagers, you just think, what even is this? It's just cold. That's all it's got for going for it. And the fact that some people bring out these alcohol-free beers, I don't get the point. No, neither do I.

Like, why even bother? You just drink water, for God's sake. Yeah, drink water. And if you want something with flavour, just enjoy, like, treat yourself to a nice full-fat Coke or something. Exactly, exactly. And the thing is, I have to say, the reputation for beer has taken a bit of a knock recently,

given Brett Kavanaugh. Yes, okay. During Supreme Court hearings, when obviously, you know, with advocates like him, you know, weeping in front of the great and good of America and saying, I like beer.

I drink beer. I like beer. So, I just thought at that point, I was like, wow, what people, this,

obviously I'm not saying all beer drinkers are like him. That's a dangerous statement. I must make adamantly clear to your legal team don't need to worry enough heart attacks. It's more just that, I think it's this,. So, for example, your legal team don't need to worry enough heart attacks.

It's more just that, I think it's this. You know, there's a certain reputation that certain fans have. There we go. And on the sort of health benefits, it seems to be coming out bottom on the league table in that way. And just in pure flavour terms. You know, I just choose other things. Okay.

But it's just, therefore, I think it's this. If I was to be having only beer on the desert island as a result obviously i know it was the replacement in the middle ages for water because it was clean to drink etc and that's great you know fine i'd subsist on beer and be permanently mildly sozzled that's fine yeah but it wouldn't you know just always it wouldn't be particularly fun i wouldn't be going wow that's delicious every time okay yeah it sounds like a cheap holiday in malaga or something, if that's the situation.

It's a sort of Switzerland of drinks. It's just very neutral, very flat for me, in a sense. You know, at least it's more fun. Yeah, all right. So beer. Beer's going to be your drink choice. I struggle. I love beer.

But I do know what you mean. I'm carrying this spare tyre when I sit down, and it's all beer. I know, if i stopped drinking beer today that would go immediately and uh obviously look i must be clear i'm not saying then you know i deplore all beer fans and beer drinkers because i love beer i love beer personally obviously but there's a thing i mean i i perfectly drink beer but it's more just i i feel like it's that moment where you always feel that you have to order beer for sure just to fit in oh yeah

it's too much but you shouldn't feel that pressure you can drink what you like no indeed but it's just everyone's like round the beers lads and I'm like man I perfectly can't

but not when they go tell you what I'm going to write this up as a review this is great yeah it's really hoppy oh it's really nice

you know it's like that's why when you watch The Simpsons you know what does Homer drink as a kind of unthinkingly beer it's just stuff because it'll do that's why when you watch the Simpsons you know what does Homer drink as a kind of unthinkingly

beer because it'll do that fits yeah it's never sort of much of a you know assessment culinary assessment

it's just yeah something to drink something to do it lasts a while it occupies the taste buds tickles your fancy

what you know what's your poison there's beer just a beer yeah have a beer okay lovely so drink choice is going to be beer fortunately for you you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only

has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and, James Blunt. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. Okay, that is a solid choice. Yeah. Yeah. You're Beautiful by James Blunt.

Dare I ask why? Go for it. Well, I think it's a tip of a really big iceberg, in my view, on songs that are meant to be romance songs. In that everyone, it plays everywhere. You know, there was a period where you could not escape the thing. On TV, shops, you name it. You know, you're beautiful, he would croon.

And people just think about that. That's very nice. It's sweet, isn't it? But then when you study the lyrics, you know, and James Blunt has not concealed this fact, it's not the sweet, heartwarming tale of love that's, you know, found by someone who observes a girl. It's a sort of creepy, sinister, you know,

attraction someone has, possibly who's high. Well, I think he is. No, he says. Yeah. And is intoxicated, who knows that he's never going to get her, but damn, he likes the look of her. You're beautiful. I'm doing a sinister, creepy voice,

because that's clearly how he should be singing this. Not sort of jolly, sweet, saccharine James. And the thing is, this is what annoys me about why it's attributed as a love classic. People dance to it at weddings. Yes. Because it's wrong it's sort of like

that police I'll be watching you every breath you take that's weird isn't it at least choose a romance song if you're going to have one that genuinely

has you know unadulterated joy about it like this is why I'd say if you you know asked me I'd be sort of choosing Barry White for example

he's you know undersung for that because he just sings about love and he just you know obviously the walrus yeah my god he's just sincere yeah and relentless and obviously you know raunchy and filthy etc you name it but you know what you're getting whereas with james it's this sort of this i i get that with romantic songs and you know creativity that comes back to even ancient love poetry etc it's all about suffering absolutely and whoa yes but like it just feels too much of this kind of my chemical romance emo influence right yeah in love it's not just a

celebration of love for the sake of it okay and so that's the thing it's more just because i feel we could choose so much better with our romantic songs. And obviously just, yeah, James. I think the lyrics, I looked at you on the subway, you were with another man. Yes. He's just looking at some man is out with his girlfriend and James Blunt's there stoned on a subway

staring at this guy's girlfriend. I know. It's creepy. It feels sort of like Sean Walsh would sing it. But this is the thing, clearly, in that it's just not right. And then the fact, I mean, everyone likes to slag off Robin Thicke's blurred lines.

Yes. For the kind of, oh, what is it? It's really a bit dodgy, a bit, you know, disrespectful of boundaries and all that. Same thing, again. But then James Blunt gets off scot-free. Ah, interesting. I'm not saying the same tones,

but obviously, it's the people celebrate it with the same relish, or we used to at least. You know, it goes to the romance top hits, but they don't realise the meaning. They don't appreciate that.

And it's obviously those, the songs that, you know, the artists who just will, you know, be more sincere and you can actually enjoy the meaning of it without going, oh, what am I actually singing? It's sort of like, it cuts to,

this iceberg is huge in my view in music because it's like Spice Girls 2 becomes 1. Right, okay. Which I take it you are a Spice Girls aficionado then. Well, I'm just trying to think of the lyrics as you. Don't worry, I'm going to unpack this for you. Oh, you're going to film it, okay. Because, you know i'm

sure many female listeners will remember it and may have sung it in their youth but when the lyrics are tonight baby tonight two becomes one i need some love with the human touch you know okay come on i think the key line come on come on put it on baby yeah okay it's about obviously this way i know this is a family friendly uh podcast um opening you know prophylactics for either use in such massive enjoyment and all that it's enough to you know make the mary white house's uh you know faint if they realize this okay and yet you know again people seeing it just thinking oh this is all very jolty and fun it's all about you know sort of it gets um rather more than your bargain for interesting okay so i sound incredibly prudish like highlighting that but it's just the kind of sting in the tail some of these the songs you know that just kind

of oh okay i'm gonna sing james blunt and this is where like he sticks my mind most because it's the one that like people go oh he's genius he's so clever on Twitter he's like a Miller band you know slacking everyone off you name it so witty and you know at the same time

he knows he's laughing at everyone who enjoys his songs obviously he's made bajillions loads of money he would have made out of that song

and that's the grossest naivety of it all that we all go oh isn't it wonderful he's such a romantic you know crooner no no

no he's just having us all for a laugh. It's very creepy. Yeah, you're right. A very good troll. Yes, he is. Hmm, well done. Respect for his creative endeavour. Trolling long before Twitter.

There we go. Wow, interesting. Asa. It is also interesting that you pick up on this iceberg because I think lyrical content in songs definitely isn't considered enough. And it's like, sometimes you hear a song and you think, how are they getting away with this?

Or it's like songs for children or songs that are aimed at sort of a young teenage market that are quite clearly about sex. And you're just thinking hmm interesting i mean i mean that's a whole that's a whole different creative tension of course right yeah smuggling not so smart and what exactly like innuendos yeah i think it's the thing that's more sticks in my craw which is why i'm more highlighting in focusing on blunt here is just that he manages it's not maybe him putting in extra smart oh isn't that a bit naughty oh cheeky james it's

just that it's wrapped up in this friendly like oh it's just sweet it's tender it's lovely it's caring you know no no it's not like you could let's put it this way you could take the lyrics and i don't know you could have them being done by some like psychopath in a horror film you know sort of being said by him you could put them in that person's mouth rewrite the script adapt it do a trailer of you know you know someone crooning you're beautiful while sort of stalking someone on a subway again same scene yes yes okay differently without james's lyrical voice okay amazing all right thank you very much you're beautiful by james bump for reasons that i would never have guessed and i thought i'd surprise yeah no it was good and what's going to be your film film choice now

my film choice is somewhat controversial potentially it's Harry Potter Harry Potter yeah any Harry Potter

or the the saga the Harry Potter saga in that I've watched Harry Potter's I've been you know in the sense of

I've been in the room and when they've been on and I've been, you know, in the sense of I've been in the room and when they've been on and I've had to, you know, watch and take them in. I just don't get it. I just, obviously, magical wonder, et cetera, but it's been done before. Obviously, great, you know, done this whole world of, you know, interesting stories.

I mean, look, let's put it this way. We also bend over backwards and delight and squeal every time there's Harry Potter out, the, let's put it this way. We all sort of bend over backwards and delight and squeal every time there's Harry Potter out. The cues that would summon of all sorts. I mean, I went to school,

was at primary school with Emma Watson. Oh, wow. Okay. I remember what happened when she got cast in Harry Potter. And it was this thing

where, you know, average Emma Watson, here we go, you know, just part of the school, you know, as happy as anyone. And then suddenly, all these arrangements

will be put in place of like, okay, you know, so there'll always be a seat on the bus when you go on field trips, just in case Emma wants to say she wants to come to, you know, across to Normandy at the last minute. It'll always just be, just in case Emma with a busy filming schedule wanted to come along, you know, and so all the special arrangements

will be done and how, you know, it was gone. Spirited off into a world of, you know, global stardom at that point. But it's just at this point, it's not just a mess of beef of, oh, no, it's not me. No, it's very interesting, yeah. At the same time, when you think of what the story is, you know, boy wizards and all that.

I mean, I remember once when I was younger, reading about, you know, Merlin Jr. Itr it's just that i mean it's been done it's not that groundbreaking and you obviously like fine i'll take my hat off to jk rowling she's created a big universe the pot of us but then it some of the fans are a bit you know a bit much with it given that yes the way they sort of paroxysms of shock and or horror when she announces that you know a bit much with it given that yes the way they sort of paroxysms of shock and or horror when she announces that you know let's say uh dumbledore is gay right say that you know no i have my own conception of dumbledore how could you yes yes arguments the fights they're just oh jeez it's the cult it's like there's there's this cult of um harry potter you often see people

with like a harry potter tattoo yeah a little sneaky like the triangle with the circle and the I just don't get it. There's this cult of Harry Potter. You often see people with a Harry Potter tattoo. Yeah. A little sneaky, like the triangle with the circle. That's the Harry Potter thing, isn't it? Yes, completely. Yeah, and you're like, oh, right, okay. You must really like Harry Potter. And it sort of creeps in when they sort of say,

ah, you know, this is the... At one point I remember being on BBC News with someone, you know, talking about Brexit. You know, bread and butter sort of stuff for me, of course. And then someone was like, ah, well, point i remember being on uh bbc news with someone uh you know talking about brexit you know bread and butter sort of stuff for me of course and then someone was like ah well the manifesto is theresa may's horcrux it's like i don't know what i say to that is that an insult what have you said and obviously i'm like and i looked up because obviously i feel i'm meant to be a stick of these things and it was you know obviously it's that thing thing where if it's smashed, Voldemort dies and all that.

Right, okay. And even it didn't work. Wow. Just people dropping Harry Potter references in. You can't just do that just about the people you wish. Oh, I'm being really witty

and clever. It's like, no. Just, you know, don't be down with the kids or something. You can't even jazz up Brexit coverage somehow.

But, you know, just saying, yeah, Alan Rickman in Brussels. No. It doesn't make sense. So it's just the influence it's had, I'd say. Obviously, great.

I mean, I'll take my hat off to the children reading. It's wonderful things. Great to encourage them. Yes. You know, but it's just way overrated. Okay. Wow. So you have no ambition to go to Harry Potter World in...

Oh, my God. Harbinger cheese somewhere. Like, please don't... Let's put it this way. If Harry Potter World was suddenly opened a branch on that desert island, I think I'd just be done. I'd just be like, oh, no, please.

It's the end. Paul Hollywood, bake me into one of your pies or something. Get me away. Okay. If that's my only entertainment on that world, you know, just Harry Potter books, I'd just be... I don't know, I'd just grow the beard like Hagrid.

It'd be game over for me, man. Thank you very much, Asa. Harry Potter is going to be a film choice, maybe somewhat controversially. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? The honey badger.

The honey badger. Without a doubt. I just wouldn't, I mean, it is celebrated as the biggest dick of all the animals. Yes. And it's particularly attributed by the Trump fans. And they obviously go, there's a famous viral video of Honey Badger Don't Give a Shit. You know, Honey Badger

Don't Care. In which there's this very funny, high-pitched voice. Like, well, Honey Badger, this like, snarling, um, mini, sort of bigger than a dog and it's just a ferocious little beast, lounges around and rolls around the place

I think in Africa, being fierce and ferocious, raiding beehives wanting its honey, picking fights with anything that lives and it's like, honeybushes don't give a shit, honeybushes don't care and because of that attitude because, let me just cut into why he's thus is the symbol of the Trump movement. Because basically, it's invulnerable.

You can't kill it. In South Africa, I think it's called a ratel. And so that's also named for tanks they use there. Because there's footage you can find of it taking on lions. Like two lions versus a honey badger. You know, and it looks a bit badgerish, actually. I'll just give it that. But it is not honey sweet.

No. It takes these things on, and the lions, like, leave it. They just go, oh, whoa, whoa, it's not worth it, mate. You know, they decide, yeah. And I think also because the badgers come as a psycho that goes after the lioness's little child, the little mini lion. And you're thinking, no, what are you doing?

The lion's still going for it. It's insane. And this is obviously why the Trump movement embraced it because it basically, as the famous video goes, doesn't give a shit.

And so that's why they say Trump is the king honey badger. And, you know, so basically, how infamous these animals become in that, like, let me just rant a bit more about this honey badger.

My God, there are reports, and exactly, I don't want to try and look for if it actually has happened. I don't want to see the images of it castrating animals. Really? Like gazelles, antelopes, things twice as big as it. It's killed just by literally, like, for some reason it's worked out how to go for the animal's genitals. No!

Really? Leave it to bleed for the animal's genitals. No! Really? Leave it to bleed to death. It's horrible. What an evil animal. I know. And so that's kind of... It just leaves me speechless thinking about it. Because obviously, it's ridiculous.

And when you see these videos, it goes on all sorts of things on camera. It will pick a fight with anything. And it can't... Okay, apparently it can resist stab wounds. It can resist being shot. It can be poisoned. And it shrugs off poison after a few hours.

All it does is immobilise the thing. It doesn't kill it. It just makes it sort of go to sleep for a few hours if it's been poisoned by a snake. And then it wakes up, chases down the snake and rips the snake in two. And even if there's poison in the snake, it's still just chewing

happily on the body like, yeah, whatever. It's fine. I'm immunized now. Yeah, thanks for the rest. Contaminator. Horrible. I just don't want it on the island. I mean, just get it on the island. But away from me. Hollywood can be in between. It's the buffer zone. Miller Band can be your podcast about how to get rid of honey badgers just not on my face um i didn't know so much about the honey badger you do now but i do but now

i like it's such a like no pun intended but it's such a sweet sounding name isn't it just the honey badger it sounds like a lovely joke is that why i think it's that i sweet sounding name, isn't it? Just a honey badger. It sounds like a lovely... I think it's a sick joke. Is that why? I think it's that. I do not know who, you know, named this thing. But certainly it seems to be so twisted now in that it literally is widely celebrated as the most fearsome, deadly, demented animal possible.

And I think I saw footage of this very brave BBC film crew who were trying to um study honey badgers and obviously look it is clever and they tried to put it in a an enclosure build up some walls as big as the studio and somehow it was able to work out how to like use branches and to climb up them to then jump out to escape and you know it was working this thing out it tried to work out how to climb. Okay, so unlike a Dalek, it can go upwards. And at the same time,

then this BBC crew later had them in a cage, I think, and they were lifting the cage up, and the cameraman had a clear death wish, this man, waiting near the box. And you imagine Joseph comes out, and this little man man just running backwards. Oh!

Oh my God. What did you expect? Yeah. Honey Badger. Honey Badger. Wow. What an insight. I'm

almost definitely going to go back to my desk and Google Honey Badger and start watching some videos. Please do.

Honey Badger versus Then you'll understand why I never want to be near one ever in my life. Honey Badger doesn't give Now you understand why I never want to be near one ever in my life. Honey badger doesn't give a shit. That's it.

It could take, basically, name anything terrifying and it will have tried to fight it and there's probably footage on the internet of it.

You know, cougars, lions, just, it is the, it may not be the king of the jungle but it damn well

thinks it is. Okay. Interesting. The honey badger. Asa, thank you so much for coming in. Pleasure. It's been a real insight. Asa, if people want to see or hear more from you, where can they find you? Well, you can find me at The Telegraph.

Yes. And I normally sort of pop on Sky or BBC talking about whenever there's Brexit in the news, I am there. It's like the bat signal for me. And otherwise on Twitter at Asa Ben, which is A-S-A which is a s a b e double n i'm making really fussy point about this only because if you look up asa bennett uh he is a musician who is pro remain and pro corbin and so often he gets abuse for whenever i've written thing or done something

which bless him you know he shrugs off like a honey badger because he doesn't give a shit hopefully but yeah damn it he's got you know an iron hide that man he could take it oh yeah i think sometimes we've had he's accidentally received invoices from for me because very obviously i've got a very particular name so it's stunning how they can mix us up but they do amazing it just happens from time to time I'll make sure I don't add him in when I post about this podcast coming out that would be much appreciated

particularly if he gets all the Paul Hollywood fans the fans of Galloway the Harry Potter fans oh the Potterverse will come after him as a result you know the sort of bread makers of the world will unite oh I've gone after them all.

Asa, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me.