Desert Island Dicks - ASH FRITH

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is comedian, Ash Frith. Be sure to follow the podcast on facebook and twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ash Friff. Hello. Hi, Ash, how are you? I'm brilliant. I'm really good. I almost made a high comedian then hi comedian because you said are you is it just a comedian now and i was like yeah all right yeah yeah just comedian that is all i am here he is comedian just comedian they'll know me from that if you just say if you just put on it comedian they'll go that'll be ash

yeah yeah he's the only one. Ash, should we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice for your Desireland Dicks? Well, it was an easy choice for the first one. It's my son. Your son? Yeah, straight in. He is a dick. Is he?

He's a proper dick, honestly. Your son? Yeah, I've known him for a long time, and he's just not getting any better. Oh, my God. Why your son? It all started... It all started...

You should have seen the mess he made. No, it doesn't matter. He... When he was one... So there's a whole list of things that this boy has done. Honestly, you wouldn't fathom it. I don't know. If he was a mate, we wouldn't still be mates.

You know what I mean? It's that. It's like, you know the guy that when you go out and he always gets pissed and starts fights and you go, I can't hang around with Steve anymore. Bellend. Like, this kid is pushing his luck. Seriously. When he was one, he destroyed the family home.

He cost £86,000 worth of damage. Is this real? Genuine, yeah cost £86,000 worth of damage. Is this real? Genuine, yeah. £86,000? Yeah, at one years old. What did he do? So he, my ex at the time,

we're not together anymore, won't go into the ins and outs on it, just for us to say I was in the right. Okay. She put the shopping on the side, and in the shopping was a 150ml air freshener, like an aerosol air freshener. Right. So I'd gone to football, and his mum had gone out,

and we had a babysitter there, and while she was going to warm his milk up in the kitchen, he had grabbed this little aerosol and put it on the hob and turned the hob onto one, and it warmed it and warmed it and warmed it on the hob and turned the hob onto one. And it warmed it and warmed it and warmed it. She made his milk, went into the lounge. They're sitting there watching Teletubbies or whatever, having some milk.

All of a sudden, she hears a noise, goes out into the kitchen. The can explodes. Oh, my God. And the expansion of the gas, it's only 150 mil, but the expansion of the gas destroyed the house. It blew the front and back walls off of the house. So they from the house oh my every window was broken the loft hatch snapped in half tiles fell off in the bathroom there was a fireball which burnt things in the kitchen it singed the babysitter's hair what flew the patio doors out uh which is not a euphemism uh and so from, but my mate, who is the babysitter's now husband,

he phoned me up at football. I just literally touched my bum down at the football. And he went, oh, the glass has blown out on your oven. I was like, yeah, that can happen. Don't worry too much. He went, okay. Hung up the phone. And then about a minute later, he phoned back and went, no, it's

really bad you're gonna have to come so i um i drove home straight home from the football didn't watch the match and uh it was destroyed like the uh from the bathroom you could see into the into his bedroom the dining room downstairs and the kitchen downstairs it separated the back of the back wall of the house off and when they come and investigated it, they found out that the beam that supports through, that we were like mid-terrace. So the beam that supports the house, there was only two inches of brick

holding that on front and back. If that had gone, the whole house would have come down. Oh my... So yeah, they'd been dead. That's crazy. It was absolutely mad. But the best thing about it was we'd only made one payment to the insurance company.

We paid £13.60 and they paid out fully £86,000. We had to move out for six months while the house was rebuilt. They took the front and back off, rebuilt it up and we got a lovely new house out of it. That is unbelievable.

That is mad. That's scratching the surface, the little prick. Honestly, though. Can I unpack a few things from that, though? Yeah, go for it. Yeah, please. How is a one-year-old getting an aerosol, putting it on the hob and turning it on?

Well, that's what social services said. But no, it was just, you know, he was standing and walks. He was maybe, you know, one and a few months, I guess. So he was standing and could manoeuvre maybe, you know, one and a few months, I guess. So he was standing and couldn't manoeuvre around. Yeah. But his lightning hands. He's got the devil in him. Possessed.

Genuinely possessed. That is insane. But he... That is one of the most mental stories I've ever heard. All of the neighbours come running out because it was like a bomb going off. Right, okay. All of the neighbours were out. You know, the fire brigade, the police were there.

But a funny thing is as well, we had a forensic scientist come to find the cause. We didn't know what the cause of it was straight away. All of the cupboards blew off in the kitchen. So the kitchen where it happened was just a mess. Everything had come off the walls. And a forensic scientist come in to find out the cause of it. And he had just been to a fire just up the road, a house fire. And so we had this sort of carpet through the hallway.

And as he walked in, he just trod these sort of silvery ash footprints through the floor. And then he looked back at the mess he'd made. He went, did I just do that? I went, yeah, you did. He went, yeah, that all happened in the explosion. So we got all of that redone. Oh, God, really? Everything was redone.

Moved into like a shiny new house. It was incredible. So for all the bad he did, we did get the best renovation of all time. The insurance company were brilliant though because I phoned them up and they were just like, don't worry about it. We'll put you up and send us the bill.

So everything that was damaged, we just bought all new stuff and we sent them the bill and they just paid for it. That's incredible. It was amazing. They were incredible, to be fair to them. But your son did this. He did it. And I know that he meant it as well.

You know that he did it with spite. He's still got a little thing in his eye. You know, every now and again, he's just still got that little thing in his eye. I went into his room to wake him up for school the other day and I was just wearing my pants. And he's at this funny age, so I went in there and he just went,

well, this can't happen anymore. Did you? Did he? Come on, mate. He's very little, but yeah, he's going on like a teenager. The chat bag. I don't know, I might have said it before, but I took him camping a little while ago,

and he wanted to go to the toilet when he woke up in the morning this is just proving what an evil little child he is so it went to the toilet block and it was like 10 deep at the toilet and so by the time it got to be his turn I thought I've got to try and speed it up so I just helped him down with his pyjama bottoms to speed the process up

and he looked at me it's packed there's 10 people behind us now and he looked at me and he went what's your name, mate? Like he'd never met me before as well. What? Just he knows what he's doing. He absolutely knows what he's doing. Where does he learn this stuff from?

Don't know. YouTube, probably. It's where they all learn it from nowadays, isn't it? Oh, my God. Your son's got the chat. He's got it. He definitely has. He's where I've taken him to gigs before.

And he's gone on afterwards when they're... I've done some theatre stuff, you know, gigs in theatres, and he's gone on and just talked into the mic to the empty theatre. He's definitely got the... Really? Do you think he'll be one?

I think I'd be happy if he were, because I always wanted to. From about his age, I wanted to be a stand-up. Right. But I didn't bother doing anything until I was in my late 20s. So I think, yeah, it'd be good if he did. Yeah, okay, cool. He's definitely got that thing in him.

And he's already got a story. He blew up a house. He blew up a house and the payout was £86,000 worth of damage. £86,000. That's insane. Oh, my God. Need I ask, is there any more on your son? Oh, there's plenty of stuff on the boy,

but I think, yeah, I'll leave it there for now. It's enough to score. I'll tell you another time. Oh, really? I'll do an Edinburgh show about it maybe one day. I've not got any material about the house explosion yet. Really? Yeah, it's not.

That's 10 years old, that material. So people are like, oh, you should do something about that. I'm like, not really over it yet. Not sure I'm okay. Not sure I've levelled it up yet. Maybe you should do it on your son's opinions on it now. Yeah, that's a good idea. What's your opinions on it now you're in double digits?

Yeah, well, we've got photos and stuff. I can't wait when he gets his first girlfriend and brings her around and I'm like, this is what this little sod did. This is what you're going to deal with. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Just be aware. Because I'm quite clumsy, but you know, I've never destroyed a family home. Yeah. That is amazing. Okay, Ash.

Who's going to be your second choice? Well, this is maybe a bit controversial. Okay. Because this guy is an absolute legend, to be fair. Right. Because this guy is an absolute legend. Right. To be fair. But it's Shane Ritchie. Shane Ritchie?

The man, the myth, the legend, Shane Ritchie. What has Shane Ritchie done? He's done pretty much everything to me, Shane Ritchie. So I didn't know Shane Ritchie at all. But just to give you a bit of background, I've been with my girlfriend now seven years, seven or eight years. No, I don't know.

And we've got to the point where she, like I say, I was married previously, but my girlfriend, she's never been married. And so there is that sort of pressure now where after you've been together seven or eight years, you know, in all honesty, if there was no pressure to it, I probably ever get married again i don't see the necessity for it okay um but it's we've been together that length of time now wherever if we go anywhere people go oh he's going to propose this is going to be the big one so we've been to rome we went to rome like last year and this year we went to rome and everyone in her life you know it's like oh this will be it this is the only reason he's taking you back to rose and we went to barcelona and now it's genuinely got to the to the point where um about six months ago i did a gig in scunthorpe and her friends were like oh she came with me she's like oh so i've kind of put it off like i like I like her. Don't get me wrong. Right.

And I do want to be, if she's listening, I really do genuinely like you, and I do want to be with you forever, but I don't feel I need a certificate to prove it. Yes, okay. You know what I mean? Because it didn't work last time. It doesn't mean anything.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. So what does this have to do with Shane Ritchie? Sorry. No, don't be sorry. I just started ranting. Oh, that's why I love this podcast so much I just feel like

I'm just unloading it's like obviously you can't see it right now but every time I invite someone on this podcast there's just a big red couch that they

lie out on when they record just let it go oh I'm going to leave here I'm just going to float home just like oh god

I feel really great everything got to get everything off my chest so right so sorry no don't be sorry, it's great. I just don't know if my dad ever loved me.

Oh, my God. No, right. So, there was this bit of pressure, right, to get engaged, to get proposed, to get engaged, that's the word, isn't it? But I always had this thing, because me and my wife split up a long time ago, you know, shortly after my son, you my son blew up a house, actually.

Yeah. But I never bothered to get divorced. I mean, it just never bothered. It wasn't a pressing matter. We were still married, but we were separate. She'd moved on too soon, if anything. And I had. I had as well.

And so there was never really that issue. But my girlfriend, it got to the point where she wanted to get engaged. And I was like, well, we can't. Because, you know, I know everyone knows me as comedian Ash Frith. You know, everyone. But I'm not so financially well off that we can just throw money around willingly. To get divorced in the UK, even if you do it all yourself, costs a minimum of 425 quid.

So that's if you do all the paperwork yourself. Right. So I was like, right, well, I can't get engaged to you whilst I'm still married. That would be bad for me. Mm-hmm. So I'd kind of just been playing that card, basically, until one morning, about 8 o'clock in the morning on a Monday,

my phone rang, 8 o'clock, and the voice at the other end just went, oh, hello, mate, it's Shane Ritchie here. What? I went, what? my phone rang 8 o'clock and the voice at the other end just went oh hello mate is Shane Ritchie here what and I went what he woke me up

you know what I mean I was like it feels like something that could be true I don't know I don't know who'd be you know everything you assume someone's

taking the piss don't you and he said our mutual friend of ours has given me your number it was Terry Alderton you, the comedian Terry Alderton. He was in Extenders with Shane. Yeah.

And he said, because I did some tour support for Terry. So he's like, I'm running this gig on, he goes, there's good news and bad news. And he was like, the bad news is it's this Thursday. And I was like, okay, well, you know, I'm dangerously free that Thursday. He said, but the good news is it's 425 quid. What? Which is the exact amount of money that I needed to get divorced. So I'm like, it's great news, Shane, and I'd love to do the gig.

It was with some incredible acts. It was Bob Mills, Ed Byrne, Tim Vine. We were doing this incredible gig. But it did take away that little edge of, oh, I can afford to get divorced now. So Shane Ritchie directly, that money that he paid me went directly out on my divorce. Paid for it to the penny.

No way. And my girlfriend's like, well, that's, you know, that's that excuse that we can get engaged. I'm like, oh, well, we can't get engaged because, you know, although now I am divorced, getting engaged still, I mean, it now I am divorced, getting engaged still, I mean, it's a lot of money. You've got to buy a ring.

Yeah. And I think, is it like 10% or something, 20% or whatever? That's what they say, three months. That's too much. That's a lot, isn't it? I'm like, yeah, I'm not saying I earn a huge amount of money, but I can't put that aside. No, no, no. Yeah.

So then she says, she says, I found this, I found a vintage ring. Okay. I live in Leon C in Essex, right? So that is all the rage. If you've got, you know, anything vintage,

you take it to Leon C, you can charge quadruple what it's worth. Is that how it is? Yeah. Okay. Right. She's found this ring and it's like 630 quid or something.

Vintage ring. Which is, I mean, that's a deal and it's like 630 quid or something. A vintage ring. Which is, I mean, that's a deal. I love her 630 pounds. I think, you know, that's, I'm like, mm, yeah. You know, that's, you know, yeah. Yeah, I think that's acceptable. If you're going to be doing it, then. For something you're going to wear for the rest of your life.

Yeah. Right? Let's say that. Yeah. So I'm kind of putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. And then I'm at home, and there's a knock at the door. I'm with my son. Knock at the door.

And it's a British gas engineer. Right. So he says, I'm here to do your annual gas inspection. Yeah. So I say, okay, no problem. He comes in. He foodles with a few things. And then he leaves like 20 minutes later.

And then I'm just about to make my son a delicious sort of beans on toast meal or something. And I turn on the gas, and the hob doesn't work. There's no gas coming out. I'm like, well, the guy's obviously turned something off. So I phone up British Gas and say,

your guy's just been here. Could you get him back? He's turned off the gas. It's not working. And they went, he wouldn't have touched any of that. What? I went, no, he definitely did. It was working this morning and now it's not working. They went, well, we can't. He wouldn't have touched that.

The thing that you're covered for, he wouldn't have touched any of that. If you want your appliances covered, it's like £600 a year for appliance, like grade four appliance cover. I was like, what are you talking about? The guy, it worked. He's done this. It's clearly him. You can't just come into my house, turn something off and then charge me for it. And then say it's 600 quid.

So I'm like, no, this is mad. And they went, oh, we understand your frustration but there's nothing we can do. I was like, really? I said, he's just left. I said, I could probably run outside and get him. He's probably not left the road. And they're like, well, yeah, there's nothing. If you do want him to come back, you have to take out this home cover.

We can get someone back today or as soon as possible. I was like, no, this is ridiculous. Yeah. And they said, there's nothing more we can do. I'll speak to a supervisor. I end up speaking to a supervisor. And he's just like, he said the same thing over and over and over. And I was like, is this how you trick old ladies into giving away this this money because i've heard that kind of thing yeah and they're like there's

nothing we can do so i did what everyone does nowadays i went on twitter and i at british gas and i said yeah this is ridiculous there's no way you're like the guy come he turned off the gas um you've got to come back and sort this out and they were like there's nothing we can do we understand the same thing frust. We understand your frustrations. There are other options, blah, blah, blah. Then Shane Ritchie, who's been following me on Twitter since the gig we did together, goes, at British Gas, I have met Ash's boiler.

Get round there and sort it out. That's the tweet he sends. Within two minutes, I get a tweet from British Gas. Please DM us your details. We'll get somewhere as soon as possible within five minutes there's a knock at the door

a different British Gas engineer turns up and goes he's ashen faced he's just like I don't know what's happened I've just been told I've got to get her

as soon as possible sort whatever the problem is Shane Ritchie's got hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers so they just don't want that bad publicity they come

they fix the gas all sorted out 600 quid saved there we go the price of an engagement ring Yeah, yeah. So they just don't want that bad publicity. They come, they fix the gas, all sorted out. Oh, my God. 600 quid saved. There we go. Hello. The price of an engagement ring. But the best thing about that was just over a year ago that happened.

Shane Ritchie tweeted me on the year anniversary just a pair of praying hands, and it just said, still guarding. He's my guardian agent. That's amazing. So you think that's the end of it, right? So Shane Ritchie's paid for my divorce. He's basically essentially given me the money

to buy an engagement ring. Okay. Weddings are still, I don't know if you've ever planned a wedding. They're so expensive. It's ridiculous. Yeah, I've seen. Yeah, yeah.

People, you know, in theory, you can pay for it for 10 years. You might be split up from the person statistically. And still paying it off. And still paying for your wedding. Oh, man. So I'm like right okay so

I've got divorced I can afford to buy this engagement ring but we still can't afford to get married we can't justify we've just bought a new house we've got to get a new bathroom

we've got to get a new kitchen how can we justify this outgoing so I'm driving up to Edinburgh for Edinburgh last year and I get a phone call on the way

and it's a production TV production company and they said oh hello we are from a quiz show called Decimate a BBC quiz show

and we're just wondering whether you'd like to be on the show so I was like oh yeah okay that'd be great as a contestant not as like a

no nothing to have been a comedian not you know I was like yeah okay and they said okay yeah it's presented by Shane Ritchie. So come into London and meet with us. So I'm going to London after I've been in Edinburgh

and have a meeting with this production team. Like, there's a few people there. You know, they've just got contestants that are coming in. And as I'm doing this thing, they're doing camera checks and stuff. They say, have you got any stories about Shane Ritchie at all i was like well i presume you must know that you know that because i'm here yeah yeah it's really weird so then um that all goes well i do this sort of mini it's a weird thing like it's an audition to be a contestant on a game show yeah okay so i do that and i go and i'm on this game show called Decimate. I get on it.

What? So then I'm watching all these episodes of this show. No one wins on that show. I don't know if there'll be listeners listening to this that have seen the show. It's impossible. So one of the questions on one of the shows I watched was, which North London football team plays in red and white? So there'll be plenty of people who know that's Arsenal.

You know what I mean? Even if you don't really know anything about football, you might go, well, I know Arsenal wear red and white so there'll be plenty of people who know that's arsenal you know what i mean it's like even if you don't really know anything about football you might go well i know arsenal wherever anyone yeah the next one was what is the name of the bird that sits on the right of odin's throne what it's like nobody knows those are nobody knows both those answers it's incredible they're so difficult these questions and basically what it is is you start with 20 grand and every question you get wrong, you lose a bit of the money. Right, okay. So I go on and you're in a team of three. And just there's general knowledge.

I'm quite good at general knowledge, but there's things I know that I didn't know that I knew. Like I'm just answering these questions. There's things coming out about the Easter Island statues. And I'm just like, oh yeah, they're called so. Where the bloody hell is this stuff from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm thinking, well, there's things coming out about the Easter Island statues, and I'm just like, oh, yeah, they're called so. Where the bloody hell is this stuff from? But I'm thinking, well, there's no chance. The guy that goes on after me, he did all right,

but the woman that went on from the team, she had an absolute nightmare. Just like it was just money just dropping. Oh, man, man. So at this point, I'm thinking, well, this is fucking hilarious. I think it'd be brilliant. After the two things Shane R Shane Rich has done for me, I thought, if I absolutely bottom out here

and we win nothing, I think it would be a really funny end to this story. Right. So then it comes to the final round, and basically you have to take it in turns to answer ten questions in, like, two minutes or whatever. Right. So they say, right, who's going to go first?

And bearing in mind the woman that's on the team, she has, like, she's been terrible. Yes, yeah's been terrible yes i'm like she should definitely go something weird there's no chance of us winning she should just go it'll be hilarious she'll get all the questions wrong yeah she just gets every question right bang bang bang bang bang we win like nine grand on this show yeah so like shay rich is paid for my wedding, essentially. But now I've got no excuse to not do it. Like, there's like, oh, right, so we can get your divorce, we can buy the engagement ring, and now we can afford a wedding. It's like, Shane, come on, mate.

It's absolutely ridiculous. So, yeah, that's Shane Rich's body for my second dick. There is so much to unpack there. That is unbelievable. How has Shane Richitchie become such an integral part of your life? It's incredible. Yeah, it's really, really strange as well. He'll tweet occasionally.

But the best thing about having Shane Ritchie as my guardian angel is because I am Ash, I'm top of everyone's phone list. Of course, yeah. Once or twice a month, I get a pocket call from Shane Ritchie where I just hear, it'll be Shane Ritchie, it'll be all times, day or night.

That man is a party animal. Is he? You'll just hear like... And just rustling because I'm in Shane Ritchie's pocket at some brilliant after party or something. He's just released an album, a music album, Shane Ritchie, which I absolutely think that everyone should download and buy or whatever.

But yeah, I just hear, I hear him out at social events from his pocket all the time. And it's always exciting because I always think like,

is this going to be the next part of an adventure when he reads? Oh, so, this is, okay, but,

he's done so many amazing things for you, but the reason why, okay, I just need to get to the bottom of exactly why. I don't want to get married, James. You don't want to get married. I just don't see the point.

Although some may see these as beautiful things that he's done for you. No. No interest. It's pointless, isn't it? Yeah. Like I said, I don't need a certificate to prove that. You don't want to do it.

Thanks, but no thanks, Shane. Yeah, yeah. But please bring on the next venture. Yeah, but he also... When I did a thing with Shane, did a gig with him, and my girlfriend came along, and he was such a nice bloke as well. Is he?

Yeah, oh, God, he's so bloody genuinely nice. Oh, that. And he was going to the TV awards, like the soap awards or whatever it's called, and he said to my girlfriend, she's like, oh, I love Hollyo. She loves Hollyo.

He went, come with me. I've got a spare ticket. My wife can't come. Come. She's like, what? He went,

just come. Come along. What? Come on, mate. Do us a favour. I can't come, but that's why he's a dick.

Did she go? No, she didn't let him go. Honestly, if you ever get Shane Ritchie on this podcast, he would be brilliant for it. He has got some incredible stories as well about...

I might add him in. About some of the... On the hope that he'll get a retweet. Some of the cast of the different things he's been in. Really? Oh, yeah. Okay. All right, that's juicy.

He's a good guy. Although, that is so controversial for this, though, because he's got to be a dick, right? Yeah, but like I i say i really don't want to get married i can't see the point in getting married right i love my girlfriend yes that might be the first time i've said that on air here but wow i do no i've said it to her i'm just saying on this show i feel like i've skirted around the issue that i really like her yeah and i do want to be with her forever yeah but i don't feel like i need a piece of paper to

prove it sure like i say i've it before, it didn't work out. He's taken all of that away. That's the problem. You don't have to accept it. This is your problem. You're the one shipping us over to the island. I love it for the story. Okay, so Shane Ritchie goes on the island.

Ash, who's going to be your third choice? And this, again, is a controversial one because this is a man that I love. I love him so much but he is, his time has come and it's the Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

Arsene Wenger. Yeah, so I don't know, are you a football fan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like football, yeah, yeah. This man,

he changed the face of football in the UK. Like he literally came across when there were players at Arsenal, everyone in England, they were just these fat,

you know, they weren't athletes. They were guys, there was a drinking culture. They all just ate what they wanted to eat. He'd come along and was like, no more sugar, no more alcohol. He cleaned up a club.

He made a team of guys that was the Tuesday club at Arsenal. They'd go out and get off their faces every single Tuesday because they didn't have training on Wednesday and he just stopped it all and he made everyone

an athlete and I look at pictures of Steve Bold who's now the assistant at Arsenal I look at pictures of him in 1995 when he was about

31, 32 and he looks like an old man he's not fat by any means but you know there's no muscle on him. And if you look at one of the players now,

they are like middleweight boxers. They're incredible. They're all beautiful men. 32, 35, 40 years old. They're in incredible shape. But what's happened at Arsenal is he has just... He's lost... Everyone's caught up with him, basically.

But he can't see it. He won't go. He won't leave. And so he's lost it. Everyone's caught up with him, basically. But he can't see it. He won't go. He won't leave. He won't. And so he's spoiling his legacy. But every single game, he comes out and he says the same thing. He says, oh, the spirit's good. The spirit's really good at this club. It's not

good. Maybe in the dressing room, because everyone's in such good shape, they're probably feeling quite happy. Everyone's looking at each other's abs. And they're like oh yeah we're all good aren't we look how beautiful we all are

we're having a great time look at Jack Wilshere and his tight buns or whatever but yeah it's just like he always says there's a thing

about spirit he says we need to focus on the next game we're having the worst season we've had in 25 years but he keeps saying

I've just got to focus on the next one but he's in total denial it's a bit like have you ever been out with like your mom or whatever or an arm and and they get really pissed yeah and they've kind of lost control they're having a great time yeah but you're a little bit embarrassed by it and you're the one like you're like oh gotta get him it sobers you up that's exactly that's what i'm feeling now with arson i feel like feel like, come on, mate. You could have gone. You've been a hero.

And there's people chanting against him now. So what's he hanging on for? Glory? He wants some more glory? He's chasing glory that can never come now. That's the problem. What would be the best move for Arsene? Arsene, he...

Now, right now. Not the shoulda, woulda, couldas. What should he do now? Oh, a lovely restaurant. Oh, just go to a nice restaurant, not even go to like

a lower league club. No, no, no, he should just be, he should have his feet up on the south of France, he should be enjoying himself.

There's the thing, have you ever seen the whole thing about Arsene not being able to zip up his coat? Have you ever seen it? It's quite a famous thing. Oh, yes,

yes. He's got these massive long coats. And I just think as well, imagine being on the island with Arsene Wenger. He'd be in charge of the tent, but he wouldn't be able to zip it closed of an evening. So he'd just be in there, insects coming in, and he'd just be fumbling around with it for 10 minutes.

He pretty much, that tent is, that coat is a tent. Yeah, yeah, basically. We'd all be living in Arsene's coat. It'd be warm, but there'd be a breeze coming through the flap. There's an incredible photoshop of his coat just carrying on have you seen it where he's like

60 foot tall and it's just Arsene's coat carrying on when this podcast goes out I will put that picture out with it it's excellent he's a parody of himself

now unfortunately but like I say I love him I love him so much he's done so much my season ticket to Arsenal I got the same time that he joined the club

so I have lived through this incredible time but it does Invincibles and all that we can't even talk about the Invincibles

it makes me sad because it's so long ago or because it's so far from now it hurts so much but then honestly

you nearly made it onto the list of dicks yourself tonight because it's been so bad being an Arsenal fan recently when we arranged but then so like honestly you nearly made it onto the list of dicks yourself tonight because it's been so bad being an Arsenal fan recently

when we arranged this show it was on a night that Arsenal play and I was like yeah no I'll come do that I'm a big fan of the show James

I appreciate that thank you very much cheers mate I'm blushing and so I was like yeah I'll come and do that and I won't watch Arsenal and then you said

oh can we make it a bit later so I then got I could then go and come and do that, and I won't watch Arsenal. And then you said, oh, can we make it a bit later? So I could then go and watch it in a pub, and I went and watched it. I was like, if we lose and I come on this podcast, and he'd let me watch it. Oh, man. But luckily we won. Yeah, so he's in high spirits.

Yeah, it's interesting that you put Arsenal in on a day that you've actually won. Yeah, well, I feel bad, because I've been a Wenger apologist for a long time. Okay. So that's the thing. I kind of thought he had this big plan, but he hasn't got that.

But enough is enough. Enough. That's perfect. There you go. That should be on a banner. Enough is enough. But have you seen they've been doing, like, flypasts? People have paid for aeroplanes to flypast

with, like, Venga out and stuff like that. That's a waste of money, isn't it? That's a waste of money, isn't it? Shane Ritchie paid for it all, apparently. Did he? Did he actually? Yeah. He pays for all that stuff like that. That's a waste of money, isn't it? That's a waste of money, isn't it? Shane Ritchie paid for it all, apparently. Did he? Did he actually? Yeah, Ritchie pays for all that stuff.

Ash, now mercifully, among the... Anything else on Arson before we go? I feel like we have covered Arson. I feel great. I feel genuinely... I feel the best of it. I feel as free as I've ever felt. Okay, okay. Thank you so much.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com ash now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Well, I am a vegan. Oh, yes. Which is so annoying because, you know, people, there's that old hacky joke where people say, how do you know if someone's a vegan? They tell you.

Yeah. And I hate it because it's never, I've not been a vegan I've been vegetarian for 30 years pretty much and I've been vegan for just like a few months now but it's never me telling someone I'm vegan, it's always brought up by someone else and then I have to then go

yeah I'm vegan but I do feel a little bit like you know like you've got your extreme vegan like Morrissey and people extreme vegan, like Morrissey. You know, he's real. And people are like, oh, God, Morrissey. But I think if you genuinely believe that meat is murder, you'd be going mad if people, like, you go, what are you doing? If you thought it was murder and you walked past a butcher, you'd be going, what are you doing?

This is horrific. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel a bit bad because I'm not choosing meat. If I was choosing meat, I'd choose bacon. Simply because after 30 years of being a vegetarian, everyone goes, I bet you miss bacon. People always say that, don't they? No, I don't miss bacon.

Why do they say that? I don't know. Is that meant to be the meat of all meats? It's weird, isn't it? Because if you had a last meal, it wouldn't be bacon. Most people would say steak. I mean, I don't think I ever ate a steak. But, like, with bacon, it's like, you know, it's fine,

but it's not like the world would end if you didn't have bacon. Yeah, imagine, oh, how do you cope with that bacon? I do fine, mate. It's a really thin bit. You've normally got, like, about 20 times more bread than you have actual meat in there. It's always burnt, isn't it? It's almost always burnt.

Burnt or stringy. Oh, jeez. It probably makes you feel sick as a vegan. I can't, I just, I can't fathom it. But I haven't chosen meat, so, you know, maybe I listen to the... Oh, you're getting away with a lot here, then. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I'm really sorry. I listened to the episode you had with Jeff Lloyd. Yes. And he was saying, you know, he felt like he should be vegan. But I kind of feel like I am, but I don't like, I don't want to tell anyone. But what I have chosen is avocados. Because they are... After all that?

Yeah. They are disgusting. They are putrid. No. I don't believe anyone likes avocado. It's so popular. It's so, like, in... It's the word in the zeitgeist.

You know what I mean? Everyone's talking about, oh, I went to someone's house and they said, I said, oh, no, it's disgusting. She went, oh, you've not had it proper. You should have smashed avocado on toast. Okay. Like, A, smashed avocado.

What are you talking about? That's very annoying. So they made it and it tastes like snot. Disgusting. Do you like avocado? Yes. Absolute bollocks. Don't believe me. No, no, no. I'm waiting avocado? Yes. Absolute bollocks. Don't believe it.

No, no, no. I'm waiting for you to finish and then I'll... I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. It's like the emperor's new clothes. I think that's what it is. No. Okay.

So, I feel like there's a real issue at the minute, right? You're getting in a defensive pose here. I'm sorry. No, no. It's fine. No, no, no. It's what it's all about. I've stood up.

Okay. I like avocados. I've always liked avocados. Don't believe me. From the first time I've tried an avocado, I, no. It's what it's all about. I've stood up. Okay, I like avocados. I've always liked avocados. I don't believe you. From the first time I've tried an avocado, I like it. But there is a real issue with the way we ruin many things. People have ruined avocados by taking mashed up avocado and calling it smashed avocado. That makes me feel sick to my stomach.

This language is... It's so wanky. I saw an advert on the way here for a new, I guess, plant-based milk substitute, and it says milk, but not. Like, fuck off. What? Like, what are you talking about? It's not milk, then.

No, it's not. Milk. It's not milk and not. It's not smashed avocado. It's... No, it's just mashed up. I want to see... Okay, so when you see that, I want it to say mashed up avocado.

I can get on that, because that's exactly what it is. You've mashed it up. That's fine. But there is... It is a nice texture. It's not a nice texture. It is a little bit of salt.

You can put salt in it. You can put a bit of chilli in it. I don't want to. You can put pepper in it. It's delicious. It's so good. It tastes like, I imagine, brain paste. Right, so what I'm

thinking here you're a vegan right you need proteins in your life yeah there's a lot in an avocado a lot of fats as well I don't need any more of that

actually there might not be proteins but there's definitely a lot of fats you can't sell it this is the problem you're part of the problem James I go out on the street

and they're forcing avocados into my face all over the place avocado avocado disgusting and now there are people like you propaganda about I go out on the street and they're forcing avocados into my face. All over the place. Avocado, avocado. Disgusting. And now there are people like you. Propaganda about the protein in them is a problem with society today. I went for a meal around somewhere.

And I understand I'm very, very difficult. I'm vegan. I understand I'm very fussy. I don't like mushrooms or tomatoes either. What? Yes, I know. It's very difficult. What do you eat? I just very fussy. I don't like mushrooms or tomatoes either. What? Yes, I know. It's very difficult. What do you eat?

I just eat... Oven chips. It's just chips. I don't know. What do you eat? It's mainly that. You're right. You got me bent, you're right.

I went and the person who made me dinner, she said, Oh, for starters, we've got avocado. And I was like... And so I ate it I forced it all down like a good boy and then at the end

she went how was that and I went oh it's really nice thank you and then she went away drinks come back with drink

and she said oh I had the other half of the avocado and she put it down for me to eat so it was like I was forced I had to force

that's your fault for lying that's your karma that's your karma I take that's your karma I take that you know what I take that it's your karma in the shape of a little green avocado with a great big pip

in the middle oh man no it's nice and okay hear me out here I know it's a think and see but

should you land on that crash sorry on that island you open the cargo hold and you've got loads of calorific, fatty avocados. Full of protein.

They'll keep you going. Arson's coat just full of them. Arson's coat, yeah. Luckily, I've got these boys and he's just pulling them out of his pockets. No wonder he couldn't zip it up. Although I will say, a sandy avocado would be horrific. Oh, imagine

the texture. Get a bit of sand in it. That would be horrible. Yeah, that'd be bad. I'm up for the challenge. If someone wants to tell me where the best avocado is in the UK, I'm all over the country. I'll go and I will try it and I will report back. I'll tell you where it is, Ash. It's in your fruit bowl, mate. Just go

and get yourself one. Smash it. Mash it up on some brown toast and put a bit of salt on there. Oh, doesn't it have to be... Happy days. Doesn't it have to be, like, granary, some sort of... Some sort of gluten-free rye bread. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I say, I live in Leon C.

It's, like, end of every road. You've got all sorts of stuff. Right, okay. Reluctantly, it's your Desert Island Dicks, so reluctantly, avocado. What about your drink choice? What's going to be your drink? Coffee.

Coffee? It is ridiculous. I just don't get it. I don't, I think it tastes disgusting. And it's the, again, it's the emperor's new clothes. My girlfriend spends more money on coffee than she does on, you know, like, I don't know, I was going to say TV.

Like, you know, we spend more money on coffee than on holidays abroad, let's say, not TV. It's the different types. My mate owns a coffee shop by Lohan Fields in Leon C. Little shout out. Nice. Smashed avocado. Hit me up. Oh, God, he'd be all

over the smashed avocado. But they've got a board behind the counter. About 40 different coffees. Aero pressed. Latte. Americano. Like, is it Picachino? I don't know about that. What you're talking about? It's just

coffee. Express. What's this? Oh, that's an espresso, but it's got a little bit more water in it. What's that? Oh, that comes in a brown cup, and it's 10 quid. I just don't get it. I don't like the taste. It's ridiculous.

I bought my girlfriend a coffee machine for Christmas last year, and in the hope that we'd just be able to not spend so much fucking money on coffee. Then she buys these pods for it. They're about 30 quid. That's where they get you, in the pods, right? She has to get them delivered.

She gets them delivered to the house. They're expensive. Just buy yourself PG tips and have a cup of tea. If you want a hot drink, have a cup of tea. Tea only? Tea only. Soy milk. Soy milk.

Two shippers. Do you drink any different types of tea? Well, that. Soy milk. Soy milk. Two shippers. Let it sit. Do you drink any different types of tea? Well, that's bollocks as well. To me, tea is English breakfast tea or Irish breakfast tea, whatever. Which is also delicious. Tea isn't... Keep it real.

Keep it Brexit. Absolutely not. Let's make that absolutely clear. I want my tea European I love it yeah blend it from all over Europe

someone pointed me in the direction of a funny debate on Twitter some guy saying some guy that was tweeting Yorkshire tea saying

have you heard about this no no tweeting Yorkshire tea saying yeah I only drink Yorkshire tea tea from Yorkshire someone wrote

you do know these tea leaves come from China. And he was like, what? No. And he genuinely thought the tea was being grown in Yorkshire. Have you ever seen that Inside the Factory programme with Greg Wallace? I haven't, no. Oh, it's incredible.

Greg Wallace, the chef, he is brilliant. He's amazed by everything. It's this show where they go, it's literally Inside the Factory. So I picked the tea. All this tea, they go to like 30 different places in Kenya or whatever, and they make this tea. And he's staggered.

Are you trying to tell me that you make 40 different types of tea leaves that you probably get when you make my cup of tea? I can't believe it. Everything. It's like they did New Balance trainers. I love New Balance trainers. And he's like, are you trying to tell me you make a pair of trainers every five minutes in his factory?

Yeah, that's what they do, Greg, you fucking idiot. Why are you amazed by this? But they were saying they have a guy that tastes the tea. So they make this blend and he tastes like 30 cups of tea and goes, right, that's the right blend. So he knows the taste of each, how it should taste, basically. Yeah, like a wine connoisseur for tea. Yeah, but he does it for tea. And so, oh, God, I'd love that job.

But, yeah, you have a little sip of tea. Taste it in the tea, yeah. But I'm a stand-up comedian, so basically that is what I'd like. Today I drank just tea and made notes for this show, basically. So I could do that job, stand on my head, it'd be easy.

But, okay, to go back to the main... Coffee. Yeah. Are you a coffee drinker? Okay, so, what I will say is, recently, I've started drinking coffee. Do you buy it, or do you...? Okay, so, at home, I have it out of a little tin.

Fine, it's cheap, that's fine. I tend to make it out of the machines at work. I don't buy it from shops because I just don't. But recently I've walked past shops knowing that in about 10 minutes time, I'm going to be at work. I've just got this little tickling me that says, just pop in there. Pop in there.

So not two quid. Pop in there. Get yourself a little cappuccino. Your little devil on your shoulder sounds sexy. Are you aware of that he does he's got a little bit of flirtatiousness in his voice

oh I tell you what I might I might buy a coffee if he says well some of the things that he's made me do don't you think though I think coffee's

the new smoking oh oh definitely because you can't smoke in buildings anymore, but you can take in a pint of coffee that costs £6 a pot or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm working a lot at the minute. You've got to. You've got to be out of the house. Well, yeah, that's it, yeah. I started working on this other show and someone said to me, do you want a coffee? And I was like, oh, yeah.

And I didn't want to make a fuss. I didn't want to make a fuss. And I said, make me this coffee, it's fine. So they made a coffee and they brought it back to me. And I was like, ooh, mmm. Feeling a little bit perky now. And I found that, you know, the next hour flew by. Really?

And then that's it. I got the tickle and I started having coffee. I do envy that. I do envy that. Because tea doesn't affect me in that way. And there's all these lies where they're like, there's more caffeine in a tea. I don't know if I'm more tolerant because I've drank it

since I was about 13 drinking tea. Yeah. See, I'm going to contradict myself. I kind of want to like coffee, but I just don't get it. I think it's so... I do think it is the new smoking. God, I'm pulling you around full circle. It feels like it's that sexy inner monologue is the new smoking but i'm pulling around full circle it feels like it's that sexy in a monologue you've got it's kind of like he could send me there

i think maybe again maybe it's like good coffee i'd go i appreciate this coffee oh man sometimes just you're like oh but ash i'm not trying to do that. OK, Ash, coffee. So coffee goes in. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other, your least favourite song. What are they and why are they so bad? My least favourite film?

I feel like every one of my choices comes with this weird caveat. It's my least favourite film, but it's probably the film I've watched more than any other film. And it's What Women Want with Mel Gibson. It is awful. Why have you watched that the most times? Because it's on a lot and it will

start, you know when you just like, I get home late from gigs or whatever and I put the telly on and then it's on and I have never turned it off you know that's one film that's been if it's on yeah i will watch it so you know like die hard you do that with die hard it's just like i'm gonna watch what women want is the same thing to me but it's horrible it's like the like now you know you watch a film and you'll have like a character that's uh an unlikable character and throughout the film he gradually or he or she gradually learns and improves and you see that transition but in what women want it like for a start it's mel gibson and for whatever you think about mel gibson you know he was he was a big star in the sort of 80s 90s whatever massive yeah and

i think it was 2000 2001 this film so he's still quite a big star. But he's like 45, 46, 47 in that film, but he's still playing the sexy lead. Yeah. And that doesn't sit right with me. You know what I mean? It's like, I think that's fine. I don't think you stop being sexy when you get to that age. I just think if you're trying to hang a film on this guy

being like this absolute Lothario, I find it very difficult to believe when he's wearing like a turtleneck. Yes, I can pitch for him now, yeah. For any listeners that may not, just give us a quick synopsis of the premise. Right, so this film is about Mel Gibson is a complete and utter misogynist. He is constantly trying to just sleep with the women, he belittles the women. He doesn't think, you know, he's as anti-feminist as you can imagine. He's got a young

daughter who is 15, 16 years old. She's just discovering herself. She's got a new boyfriend. He has got an ex-wife who he's still trying to hit on all the time. He's literally trying to sleep with every woman at all times. Then, he's an

advertising executive. He gets a new sort of boss. It's Helen Hunt is the new boss. And she's a woman. And he can't have that. And she's trying to push him. He's good at his job, but he's an arsehole. She's trying to push him.

She's like, we need to be tapping into the female market. Everything he does is bikinis and all of that. And at the start of the film, it says he's a man's man. Women want to be with him. Men want to be him. And I thought, I don't think a man's man means you're just a misogynist arsehole. No, yeah. And then what happens is he gets struck by lightning on a balcony.

Okay, yes. Now I remember. And he can then all of a sudden hear everything the women are thinking. Yeah. So, again, he doesn't start being good. At that point, he doesn't go, oh, God, I've seen the error of my ways. He just tries to sleep with as many women as possible.

Basically, it's assault in a way, because he can hear what they are thinking and adapt. It's not right. You know what know i mean it doesn't feel right that he's doing that and you're meant to be watching this film going ah good on him oh he's just managed to get that woman in bed who didn't really want to sleep with him but he sort of tricked her and um so he does that and then his daughter um wants to sleep with her boyfriend you know she's got this young relationship and and he can kind of hear her thinking that and he stops that happening.

But then you think, like, who are you to stop her? She's got to live her life, yeah. Who are you to stop her doing that? You've led this life. What is going on in this film? And then he tries to get Helen Hunt sacked because he can hear all her thoughts and her insecurities. So this is going through all the film

and essentially she begins to fall in love with him because he gives her what she wants. He says the things that she wants, and he tricks her to the point where she thinks that he has come up with all of the good ideas, and she's like, oh, I'm a fraud. He's come up with that idea before me. So she gets sacked, and then at the end of the film,

they do kind of get, they fall in love, and he never admits to what he's done, but he goes, no, you should give her the job. She should, you know, she's the best. And that's kind of how it ends. It goes with them saying, oh, of course, she was really good, and he steps away from it. But at no point does he, like, repent, or does he,

it hasn't been this sort of slope of him improving. He's been an arsehole from start to finish till the very, very end where he goes no, I won't do that. And then she kind of gets the gig. You know what I mean? But only because he gives it to her. Yeah. She didn't win it. She didn't win it.

It's because he sort of said you can have that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly right. There is no... I looked at reviews today on Amazon and there were people going, this is a great message, you know, this is a real thing of feminism. No, it's not.

Is it? It's really not. What do you think it is? It's awful, it's horrible. Yeah. It's really not a great thing and I just... But like I say,

I can't stop watching it. How often can you watch a film where the hero is someone you can't stand? How many times do you reckon you've seen it genuinely between like 10 and 15 times probably

that's a lot of times Back to the Future is my favourite film I reckon I've seen that 10 times ok yeah but you've watched this a lot of times

yeah what women want it's awful the message is horrible he pretends to be gay at one point to break up with a woman and that's fine

and that's just in it yeah awful what what women want what women want He pretends to be gay at one point to break up with a woman. And that's fine. And that's just in it? Yeah. Awful. What? What women want. What women want. That's going in there. What women want is for a man not to be an absolute dick.

Yeah, and have to be able to read their thoughts to do the right thing. Mel Gibson should have been one of my dicks, shouldn't he? He should have done, yeah. He ain't no woman at all, actually. Okay, what's going to be your song choice for your island? Right, this, I mean mean I've worked hard at this Okay I texted you earlier today

I was very interested in this, yeah The song is The Look by Roxette It's the laziest song I've ever heard I get amazed by it You know you hear songs and there's just nothing to it. So I don't mind the nonsense song. But this song, they've just filled, they've got the rhythm, they've got

the music, they've got everything. And then they thought, right, so the song is She's Got the Look. She's Got the Look. She's Got the Look. She's Got the Look. And then... I thought you were going to sing it then. I mean, I'll sing it then i mean i'll sing it if you want me to sing it because i've just told you almost all of the words yeah they felt right so

what i did today was i broke the song down there's nothing to it there's nothing it's so lazy they went that's a brilliant tune we've got 10 minutes to write it she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look she's got the look and then they they say she's got the look 28 times and that's a four minute song times four minute song there's a 20 second introduction like an instrumental uh introduction to that song you know uh it goes for 20 minutes without a word being said 20 seconds sorry yeah yeah in the middle of the song there is a 40 second instrumental break right so that is a minute of a four minute song that is just music there is a 40 second instrumental break. Right? So that is a minute of a 4 minute song that is just music. There is a

stop in that song where they break for about 5 seconds, maybe 3 seconds of silence. She's got the look 28 times. They say La and it goes and she says la la la la la she's got the look. They do that 20 times. They say La

20 times. The say nah 20 times. The worst bit, you'll know this song, if you don't know the song, you'll know it from this bit, where they go, Right, we've got to think of some words for this bit afterwards, but right now, just naff your way through it. They say naff in that song 148 times. No way. And I know that because today I listened to it in slow motion and I tapped on a counting app every time they said naff. 148 times.

Your commitment to this has been so good. That isn't the end of it, though, James, because what I then did was I thought, what would this song be if you took out every other word that wasn't either she's got the look, nah, or la? I took it out, I edited the song, and I have uploaded it today onto SoundCloud. Nice.

There is no difference in the song. What? It's the same song. No. Honestly, you will listen to it. It's still three minutes, I think it's two minutes, 40 seconds long. It's quite long.

If you imagine that a minute of that is just instrumental. Yeah. And it's the same song. I've taken every other word out and you wouldn't tell the difference. No way. Yeah. Honestly, I'll send you the link to it.

You can listen to it. And you tell me. Can I include some of it here? Oh, please include all of it here. Okay, let's put a little bit of it in here. And that's what it sounds like. It's the same song. Unbelievable.

You've taken out every other word. That's crazy. You write music, don't you? You play music. I do, yeah. So imagine if... I imagine sometimes if you write a bit of music and you play it and you go like,

this is a nice little tune I've got here, and you haven't worked out the words yet, you just go... Work out later. Yeah. They've sung millions. Oh, my God. It's the laziest thing I've ever heard.

You've just given me an idea. Just don't write the lyrics. You don't have to. Wow. Everyone knows that song. That's unbelievable. They're making a fortune out of this. It's insane.

Yeah, it is. You're right. That'd be painful as well. you've got this for the rest of your life right and you're listening to that and you're thinking to yourself i would have written words for it that's what i should have done today really i should have written the words for in the bit i should have done a new verse yeah should have done that's so good ash thank you all right that's gonna be a song choice the The Look by Roxette. Yeah. Ash, and finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick

of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Not even a question with this. I've listened to every episode. Why hasn't everyone just heard fox? A fox? Yeah. How can it not be a fox on every episode?

I'm amazed that this is the first time a fox has been brought in. They are dicks. My first bad encounter with a fox was, I used to, I play football on sort of an evening. I was playing for a team. And when I was living at my parents, the place that we trained was over a field.

So out of my house, across a field, and then there was the sports hall where we trained, right? But it was a pitch black school field that I had to run across. So I was wearing all black and I had a white tick on my trainers and I was running across that field and a fox

obviously saw that tick and thought it was a creature couldn't see the rest of me because I was in total black and it just come and ran at my legs like just colliding into me I honestly

it was one of the scariest things that's ever happened out of nowhere just this yeah it was horrific and so I've always known they were dicks from then and then

a couple of years later after that I had a couple of lovely rabbits nice and woke up one morning and there was a fox shaped

hole in the side of the hutch no way there was half a rabbit hanging out the hutch and on the garden like an absolute dick was a

fox just munching on half of slush. The rabbit, who was a beautiful brilliant white rabbit and there's this dick covered in blood. He was dead, by the way, in case people were wondering.

So I've never really forgiven him for that. What about the other rabbit? She was dead also okay alright fine I was just imagining just like half a dead rabbit hanging out

Jessica and the other rabbit no Jessica was also dead Jessica rabbit she was dead nice see what he did there Slush was in half

Jessica had just been maybe startled to death I think oh my god but yeah our next door neighbour like was looking over the fence I was only young

our next door neighbour looked over the the fence. I was only young. Our next door neighbour looked over the fence and was like, oh, I heard a commotion, but there's nothing I could do. And the fox is still there in the garden. It's about 20 foot away. Well, it's just there. Eating the rabbit. Just do something now. Yeah, to go, help.

Help me. I'm a kid. Throw something at the bloody fox. That's unbelievable. Bloody fox. There is another thing. So I am at home. I'm at home in the day a lot. And about a few months ago I was at home and I heard a rustling.

I had the back door open. There's a kitchen door basically out onto the side. And I heard a bit of a rustling. And it was nice weather. So it was probably just the end of summer. And I went into the kitchen and there was a fox with two feet up on my bin, and it was nuzzling in the bin. No!

So it was like a dog, this fox, right? So I went, ah! And scared, just scared of foxes. Scared the thing out of the door, and I then sort of ran after it to chase it off up the alleyway. And as I stepped out of the side door, a seagull, I live by the sea, just shit on me from above.

Massive shit on my head. The fox, and I promise you this is true, James, the fox stopped at the end of the alleyway, looked at me, direct back at me, and I promise you, it looked at the seagull and it winked. No. It knew what it was doing. No way.

They are in cahoots with each other, and that seagull obviously owed him a favour or whatever. It eats shit on me. I bet it was the same fox. It's like winding the fucking wheelhouse in your backyard. Animals of Farthingwood gone bad. It's awful. Oh my God.

So foxes and seagulls, they can both fuck off. Before we leave foxes, living where you're living by the sea, seagulls must be a problem. It is a real problem. I sometimes're living by the sea seagulls must be a problem it is a real problem i sometimes get woken up by seagulls just a horrible sound and they're inland now they're inland aren't they there's no fish in the sea so they're coming in i sometimes get them on my road yeah well there will be it's the same they're the foxes of the air yeah you're right like uh pigeons are the rats of the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or the air. I should have said sky. Ash, before we leave foxes there on the island, really weird thing, early on in our relationship, and you may question why we're still together, early on in my relationship, I was having a good old moan about foxes, thinking, oh, God, there's just foxes everywhere.

And just, like, looking off into the middle distance, my girlfriend said to me, I think foxes are quite sexy. Sexy fox? I know! She said foxes are quite sexy. That's weird. I thought it was weird at the time. It is weird. There is no escaping

that. She explained herself? I haven't brought it up recently. I don't think I've brought it up since, but at the time I was like, what are you talking about? And she was like, you know, they're just kind of a bit, you know, they're slinky and sexy. You get it a bit.

I can see it in your eyes. It's a tickle. It's weird, isn't it? Because people say the same thing about cats. Oh, right. Like, oh, cats are sexy. No, they're not. No, yeah.

I think they've got, like, barbed penises. There's nothing sexy about a fox or a cat. When they get comfortable, they claw you. Yeah, oh, God're not. No, yeah. I think they've got, like, barbed penises. There's nothing sexy about a fox or a cat. When they get comfortable, they claw you. Yeah, oh, God, yeah. You've had cats. People have said cats before. Oh, many times, yeah. Yeah, cats and...

So foxes. Foxes are going to be your choice on your island. Get rid of them. Yeah, send them on the island. Ash, it's been an absolute pleasure to have you on the podcast. Thank you. This has been a long time coming, and it's been beautiful. Yeah, I've absolutely loved it.

I feel brilliant. I feel like I've really left some steam. Take on the world after this. Yeah, I've absolutely loved it. I feel brilliant. I feel like I've really let off some steam. Take on the world after this. Yeah, I feel great. I can move on. Finally move on with my life. So if you've listened to all these, you know what happens now. I do.

If people want to hear you, where do they hear you? I do a podcast with the brilliant comedian Justin Panks. It's called the Pranks and Firth Podcast. Because people always get our names wrong. So they call him Pranks and I call him Firth. Pranks and Firth, it's just us talking. But it's going good. We had to, the other day, we've had to spend,

it's costing us money now to do a podcast. Because people, there's too many people downloading it. So we've had to literally pay to post it, which is ridiculous. That's great. Yeah, well, it's great, but it's annoying. I'm going to listen to it. Get people to listen to it. That'd be great.

And follow me on Twitter, at Ashfrith. At Ashfrith. I'm going to go to Edinburgh and I know this is you know it's a way off yet but I'm doing a show called Lolligagga

in Edinburgh amazing so look out for Lolligagga in Edinburgh this summertime yes please please do please Ash thank you so much

for coming on thank you I love it I love the show I've listened to everyone I love it thank you so much cheers I love it. I love the show. I've listened to everyone. I love it. Thank you so much. Cheers.