Desert Island Dicks - ATHENA KUGBLENU

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

The very talented Athena Kugblenu joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features a conversation with Athena Kublenu, and it was an absolute pleasure talking to her. I always enjoy talking to all of our guests. This one felt especially enlightening and educating. So I hope you enjoy it as well. Now, I think this is going to be the last one for a little while.

We need to regroup and get some guests for the next series, which will be along at some point in the future. So, you know, obviously, if you want some more dicks in that time, if you're a new listener, then look, we've got a huge back catalogue featuring just an amazing array of brilliant comedians and other guests as well, such as Chef Tom Kerridge. He's not a comedian, but he's still funny. Jay Rayner. He's a food critic, but he's still funny. It's all entertaining. That's what I'm saying.

So just have a little delve. And if you are enjoying it, I know we've got a few new listeners at the minute, which he's still funny. It's all entertaining, that's what I'm saying. So just have a little delve. And if you are enjoying it, I know we've got a few new listeners at the minute, which is lovely to see. Please do give us a review and a rating on iTunes because it gives us a real boost in all kinds of boring ways, like charts and metrics and blah, blah, blah.

But it helps us punch above our weight a bit, so it's really greatly appreciated. Another way you can get involved is to come and see us live in Octoberober as part of the cheerful earful comedy podcast festival and you can google that or you can find the link on our twitter at dixpod or in the description somewhere of this podcast i have put a link to it as well so it'd be lovely to see you there in person and um well just hang out really you know what i barely leave my house a lot of the time i work from home i go and pick the kids up take them

to school and back and that's about it you know it's very nice to get out and see real people now and again i mean i'm hoping i will leave the house before october but um it would just be nice to meet you in real life that all sounds a bit bleak don Don't, it's not bleak. It's fine. Everything is good. Really, I'm fine. Look, I better stop talking. Let's get on and have the podcast now. It's Desert Island Dicks,

the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer Athena Kublenu. How are you doing? I'm good, thank you. How are you? Not too bad, not too bad. Look, today is a sunny day.

How are you feeling? Are you feeling optimistic? Are you ready to rant about dicks? How do we find you today? This is literally the best time to record a podcast about things you hate. Like it couldn't be a better climate to just say everything's shit. It's just horrible in like and do you know when you know things are shit when you have to learn about things you don't care about i hated brexit because i had to learn about trade who cares i don't i don't care i don't know about

any of this stuff i don't want to know about export import things i don't know about borders i just want to you know eat my donuts and watch netflix and now i've got to learn about interest rates and quantitative easing that words come back it's just it's all terrible um bills gas electric horrible yeah so yeah I'm having a lovely day though otherwise I know it's weird isn't it like I always think you know when it's winter and you kind of think god I wish it was summer everything's great in summer and you forget that things can be bad when it's sunny as well you know you can't enjoy the sun like it's getting in the way of my cornetto you know i should be outside eating something sweet and cold and i'm not i'm inside looking at graphs and every graph is just a line that's

pointing down you know and that can't be good it can't be good yeah i keep sort of saying to my wife like i don't understand this like they say that this is more expensive, but then if it's more expensive for them, how come they're making such big profits? I don't, what's going on? You know what I mean? You know, when you sort of, you know, sometimes the BBC site, they go, here's what that means. And there's lots of bullet points. I feel like I need that for my whole life now. I just need to click my fingers and someone in a nice suit just goes well here's what that means for you yeah it's it's definitely what it means is that people are making money but it's not us it's hot it's the it's the wrong people it's not the chicken shop people you know i mean it's the wrong people um so i think if you've not been and i'm vegan as well but if you've not been in a chicken shop in the last six months you should not be allowed to make any more money you know i mean that's that's the line and i and that you know i'm happy to step into one and step out again you know that's that we need to do something it's getting out of control out of control absolutely all right well look i mean i think you you've come straight out the gates just

raring to go and i don't want to hold you back any longer because i think you're just in prime desert island dicks mose this is good to see Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island? I mean, I don't know anyone who would disagree with this. It's got to be Andrew Neil. You know, I'm a veteran of the show this week. I used to stay up and watch him and Portillo and Diane Abbott chew the fat. And it was okay. It was entertaining, but he's getting out of hand now.

If you don't know, some people might not know who he is he's just like this old guy and he's a journalist and he is as irrelevant as anything can be and he's wrong about everything i don't i can't remember the last time he's been right about something if you want to have an opinion on something go to andrew neil's timeline on his twitter and then just think the opposite of what he's said everything is just horrible and i don't know why he's so bitter and as a wealthy person who's genuinely always been in gainful employment in spite of incompetence i don't know why he's so angry um and he he writes for the spectator which is a horrible magazine that says horrible things for no reason there's no reason for it like we did nothing to this magazine um and they and uh his latest article or editorial whatever is about how women shouldn't do comedy and mock

the week is was killed by women and people who like not being horrible yeah he's just horrible i don't know what to say i mean i thought what annoys me about these people is like they're like i thought gb news would be the end of him you know he started gb news and made a big deal about it it was horrible and then he left the country after two weeks who does that who starts who literally starts a news channel and goes oh actually this is quite bad and runs away whilst it burns right and i thought that would be the end of it and he's just everywhere he's interviewing he was interviewing rishi sunak on channel four the other day um and i yeah he can i

just clarify am i on the island with this person yeah yeah oh but i i have i have weaponry right what do i have a chainsaw well i mean it's sort of it depends what's in the plane what you can salvage or make i guess so i mean i guess there'll be shards of of bent metal and stuff like that it's gonna okay there'll be rocks i don don't know. Depends what you can fashion. I mean, Tom Hanks, he had that, you know, that sort of ice skate that he attached. He made like an axe out of an ice skate and cast away. I can't guarantee it's there, but I think, you know,

I reckon you'll figure it out. I feel like you've got enough drive in you to make this work. Well, luckily, if you're going to crash a plane, crash a UPS plane plane could have stuff on it you don't want to be a holiday plane it's just flip-flops you know he had parcels so there was useful things in that you know people buy toasters and things like that um anyway i just wanted to just don't want to check because it just dawned on me that i i'm putting him on this island and i've got to live with him yeah yeah i don't want to shut him i'll just i'd stick the ball in his

face so he'd shut up you know he's just one of those sort of people who's like complains about everything being woke or new or changing or different and it's like a lot of these people you just gotta think okay but is it directly affecting you how does it affect your life like you've like you said you've done all right in Like, why are you angry about these things that have no impact on you? Yeah, there's a weird dogmatic stance to these individuals where they just get very excited over stuff. That means nothing. And then they go home and they eat their goose liver and caviar and they drink very expensive red wines. And they think that's a good day's work.

And it's not. And it's disruptive. And they're very expensive red wines. And they think that's a good day's work. And it's not. And it's disruptive. And they're very amplified people. And they need to go. And, you know, I mean, Piers Morgan's another one. Just that whole cohort. That whole cohort. They need to just all go.

They're insufferable. Yeah, it's just that perennial thing of kind of saying how they're being silenced whilst saying that to millions of people on it, you know, or to complain about the mainstream media when they're part of it. And it's just, come on, guys, just shut the fuck up and calm down. And the way they've sort of misappropriated the word woke. Oh, we don't we don't like that. That's a bit woke. What they mean is, oh, I have to learn something.

I have to I have to exhibit a bit of empathy oh that sounds a bit woke to me it's it's basically a word that they've used to take something that's sugary and delicious and beneficial and they just pour bleach on it oh we don't want that anymore we've ruined it they just it just ruined it um and it's really frustrating because for a little while i'm not gonna lie for a little while things were getting a bit better you know for a little while things were a bit progressive and they're terrified of progress because it means that their irrelevancy will be exposed

and their irrelevancy means they have to get out of the way and people like me have to edit their magazines or be spokespeople and they don't want that because I have no interest in serving their interests. I'm coming for you, Andrew. I feel like you genuinely are. Like, I think that we're going to finish the recording. You're going to straight out get him, which is fine by me.

You're right about sort of changing the words and stuff, because it's like things like woke or like political correctness. It's like political correctness. And it's like we're just saying like trying to not offend people or like trying to you know just get on with as many people as possible do you know what i mean like trying to give space to people who need it it's like that's all right to do that you know it's the amnesia that really bothers me it's like oh i hate all this woke stuff like do you remember what it was like before like they would literally go to people's houses and put dog shit through their

letterbox you know like they would literally say oh no you can't come into this facility because of the color of your skin and they go this political correctness you know all this equality what are you talking about like when it wasn't here this was a horrible place it was a horrible place to live and now it's not horrible you you must have really loved the oppression you know i mean how much did you love standing on the shoulders of other people for no reason? And they're really showing themselves. And it's frustrating. Like there's all these debates.

There's debates about, oh, should we teach the honest history about people? Or should we just pretend they were great? And like, why is that a debate? Why is that even a debate? Like, let's talk about Colston in bristol or who's the guy he's got a statue he's got statues everywhere i can't even remember you want to be that world way for africa i can't remember so it doesn't matter but like why is it up for debate that we're honest about what these people believed and what their incentives were and what they wanted to achieve

it shouldn't even be a debate or conversation if you were against that you're just foul that's the end of it because it's like with jimmy saville it's like people went oh shit he was really bad okay well let's like remove every scrap of you know like you know even his grave we'll take that up well you know we'll get rid of any mention of him or like everything like and that's okay but when it's like someone who like oversaw loads of horrific things in the past, you're like, no, but he built a great shipyard. You know, it's just, it's really weird, isn't it? It's like he was on a par, if not worse. Well, we know why. It's because people use the existence of these individuals to justify the privileges they have in life you know

you know they use it to justify they're like um it was Cecil Rhodes who I couldn't remember you know they're like Cecil Rhodes was a great man he colonized the world you know these great things and that's why I'm rich and have all this power and then if we say actually he wasn't a great man he was racist and he exploited people and people are exploited based on on his actions that then makes their position untenable so they have to maintain the myth they're actually not maintaining the myth of the historical figure they're maintaining their own myths of their own entitlement and until we join those dots and we just say stop being so silly and that's it that's literally this i mean liz trust went out and said oh you know i'm not gonna we're gonna she wants to i know it

wasn't this was nadine doris she wants to, I know it wasn't Liz Truss, it was Nadine Doris. She wants to put protected status on Cecil Rose's statue. Like for what? For whose benefit? You know, you're literally just protecting the lie then. And that shouldn't be,

it shouldn't be entertained by anyone. It doesn't make any sense for it to be entertained. And people like, you know, and Andrew Lee was very much I think at the forefront of all of those ideas. There's a lot of people.

I can't even bother to name them. There's a lot of them. Okay. Well, we're going to have him on the island as the embodiment of those kind of people. Yes, please. The king of the idiots. Great. Okay.

Now, who's going to be joining him? Who's your second choice? Okay. So this is with regret. It's with regret, but it's Dave Chappelle. Okay. And it's with regret because I like the man. You with regret, but it's Dave Chappelle. Okay. And it's with regret because I like the man. I grew up on Dave Chappelle.

I watched his shows. I watched his stand-up. But I've had enough now, you know? And I don't like the way people who are legendary in what they do with their craft, I don't like the way they use their ability to create great art to just make up politics on the trot about things that are nothing about and because he's great at comedy he thinks that gives him the right to say whatever he likes and it doesn't and it's almost a bit

boring to moan about dave chappelle and i was gonna oh gosh i can't be bothered i was gonna leave him off the island but i think it's important to keep talking about this. Like he's his last show was was not very funny. First of all, let's let's let's take the headline there. It was just a lot of weird, you know, random, you know, random anti-Semitic stuff, random anti-trans stuff, really old, boring, not even jokes like there were people in open mic comedy clubs all around this country making the kind of jokes that dave chappelle made in that special and you know what they're probably even putting those jokes in the bin but but you fill up a theater full of your fans you can say whatever you like and i think i don't like it when old great comedians get lazy and just say well you're all you're all my fans so i'll just say i'll make agreement jokes i'll make statements that you agree with because you're as stupid as i am and i'll laugh and i'll use a laugh of justification i think i think ultimately that's frustrating because it's unprogressive

and you can't just be progressive on the things that affect you personally you know dave chappelle was progressive on race because he's a black american man he was progressive on class because he comes from a working class part of Washington. So, but you can't just stop there. You can't just say, I'll be eager about everything else because that doesn't affect me. I just find that heartless and boring.

You know, I'm a fan, but like I don't like hero worship of people who are fans or a lot of people just hear, oh, I love this person, whatever they say is amazing. And I won't stand for that. I would just love these people to just go away and just be brilliant comedians again, you know? oh i love this person whatever they say is is amazing and i won't stand for that um i would just love these people to just go away and just be brilliant comedians again you know just why can't you do that um everyone loves dave chappelle and what can i say like he doesn't you won't care

about me not buying 400 not spending 400 quid on his shows but i i i care more about humans and i don't think he's being nice to other humans. And that's a problem for me. And it just seems a bit lazy. You know, it's like the world's not short of topics you could talk about. You know what I mean? But it's almost like everyone's getting angry about that. I'm going to talk about it too.

And it's like, well, you're an intelligent, articulate comedian. Like there's so many things you could sort of unpick and have a go at yeah like you're an intelligent articulate comedian like there's so many things you could sort of unpick and have a go at or like examine you know or like it's sort of like the fashionable thing it's like going okay okay look look trans stuff yeah but but wait till you hear my take and then we'll never talk about it again and his take is like oh a dog can't be a cat or whatever that might be micka gervais's one i can't i can't remember but it's just it's just also teach and also a lot of his actually most of his comedy on on the issue is based on the proposition that trans rights are in opposition to the rights of black people which obviously implies that black people can't be trans which is ludicrous you know like these things are

not separate issues if you champion the rights of black people you've got to champion the rights of all black people you know if you're pro-black person and or if you're anti-racist and that goes for all people from the global majority who who suffer oppression in in in kind of in the diaspora and for me because a lot of his material is based on that untruth which is trans rights are in opposition to black rights or the rights of black people none of it's funny because i've always believed that if comedy doesn't have truth it's cool it can't be funny because what are you laughing at that's the intelligent bit of comedy like saying something that is an observant truth that no one

has noticed before um and pretty much all of his material is like well you know he had this one joke where it's like oh if you if you want to um protect yourself from the police and you're a man and you're a black man walk down the street in heels okay and that's not true because we know that trans women who are black in america they literally have a life expectancy of like 50 years because they get murdered i mean that's a fact so that is that's not true is it, that's not even a funny joke. Him saying that reveals an unyielding ignorance and his platform is just astounding. He got paid 20 million to be ignorant.

I mean, it's just astounding. If I got paid 20 million, I'd read a Wikipedia page on something. You know, I would do something. I would try and base my comedy on something that is gonna be progressive. So I hate the way he's become un-progressive when he used to be so progressive.

He can see him and Andrew Neil. Unless him and Andrew Neil would get on great. Yeah. Oh God. Just the, can you imagine? Dave Chappelle and Andrew Neil would get on great. No, that's wrong. And you know how the world's spinning faster?

The world isn't happy with this, you know? The world is like, okay, let's just fast forward time and you know how the world's spinning faster the world isn't happy with this you know the world is like okay let's just fast forward time and get to where the sea levels rise and we all drown because i've had enough that's what's happening right now it's too much yeah because i was gonna say like having him on the island would be complicated because there would be parts where like you know he might just you know be sitting around a campfire and you're just riffing and making each other laugh and you're like oh i remember why i liked you but then there'd be the bit where you know andrew neil's are you know what is nice to get away from all that bullshit back there where you can't say this and you can't say that and he was like yeah i know tell me about it my

latest stand-up i got loads of shit for that and then you know you're just going to be sort of with someone that you used to really respect and like turn into. And you're going to see both sides, you know what I mean? Because there will be times he's just like going to be a funny guy to hang out with. Yeah. But he's still both people. I think it's OK. I think we have to start having more complicated relationships with celebrities. I don't think our relationships are complicated enough.

It's either I hate this guy. What an arsehole. Or, oh, my God, I love him. And I think actually that's that's not how we interact as humans and celebrities are humans. So I'm actually comfortable with that. I'm comfortable with the idea of every now and again going, oh, you're all right, Dave. And every now and again realizing,

oh no, you're not so much. And that's cool. But that would be a good lesson for me to be reminded of if I was stuck on an island with a guy who's cool sometimes and an idiot the other times. So yeah, I think that's the way lesson for me to be reminded of if I was stuck on an island with a guy who's cool sometimes and an idiot the other times. So, yeah, I think that's the way it's got to be. You know, he's going to charm me. He's going to appall me in equal measure.

Well, maybe you'll get to see Andrew Neil's charming cool side as well. He might be really good at like cutting coconuts, you know, or climbing palm trees to get the coconuts. So let's not let's not knock it you know you might be really handy he'd provide good shade he would i can't imagine him climbing a tree though like i mean his gravity is against him on that one yeah i think so okay we've got very strong arguments for the first two people joining you it's going to be um Sharon Davies who is a an ex-swimmer and a very leading kind of member or voice in the kind of gender critical movement in the UK she's sort of like a Tesco value JK Rowling you know JK Rowling was a bit too obvious so I thought let me do the

little the little JK Rowling and she, for quite a long time now, has been banging on about protecting women's sport and all this stuff. But, you know, I'm very much in disagreement with trans exclusion from sport because there are so few trans people anyway. So few would be in elite sport. This doesn't seem to warrant the conversation

that is happening right now. But, you know, I understand where people are saying we need to just have a conversation what I don't understand are the arguments that she comes out with to kind of support her position and they they are wayward offensive wild and she's typing them out and putting them on twitter so she's not even like ashamed of them and I'm just I'm just annoyed because I think one way women can support women's sports particularly if they're ex-athletes is to like not be assholes because like this is a woman who could be a role model here she's you know before women really were making money as athletes

before the dina asher smiths and and the um denise lewis's and. She was all we had. Back in the day, it was Sally Gunnell, Sharon Davies, Tessa Sanderson, Fatima Woodbread. Fatima Woodbread. We didn't have a lot when I was growing up and she was one of them.

And it's like, if you want to protect women's sport, just like stop, stop selling your reputation and inspire us to be great and wonderful. And I'm just on a, you know,

I guess I'm serious. I think we should always try to make sure everyone can participate you know sport is great you know whatever your ability and whatever your gender identity that what you get out of playing a sport is just it's just wonderful life is so horrible if you can go out and compete and train and have ambitions to be good at it so it's like why the intention is never to be on a pathway to inclusion why it's like stop it all it's terrible like it's not terrible we can put a man on the moon we can do some science and make this work guys you know um and the the the toxicity and the resentment and this idea that a woman is a specific thing when that

is couldn't be further from the truth these things are doing a disservice to all women in sport because it's saying you can only be a woman in sport if you look a certain way it's saying if you look another way we're going to question your gender or your sex you know your birth sex it's like these are things there are, there are mask women right now who want to play sport who are probably afraid now because they're thinking to themselves, well, am I going to be treated nicely?

You know, how is that good for women's sport? I just, I find them, I find it all bizarre. It's not just her, there's a few other voices. She's the one that annoyed me recently. This is, in many ways, it's very unfair.

These are all people that just annoyed me the other day. On another weekend, on another day day there'd be other names here but she's got to go in and just generally i don't like the motivations of the gender critical movement because you're not motivated to include people they're motivated to elevate themselves into positions where they can oppress people which is unpleasant to me obviously these days there are lots of complicated issues in all kinds of areas of life that you probably should start from a period of like, I don't really understand this.

So can we talk a bit more and I'll find out a bit more and maybe I'll still be the same afterwards, but it never comes from, you never see any working out. There's never someone just going, do you know what? I'm in a position of power. A lot of people asking me about this.

I don't know. Let me talk to some people have a chat and find out before I'm just like no you know like I don't understand the world I don't know a lot of stuff like I come from a privileged position do you know what I mean so I want to hear other people's viewpoints because yeah I probably have some blind spots and I haven't thought of everything do you know what I mean yeah you're absolutely you're absolutely right um there's a lot of i feel that this is the right opinion to have and not after a period of research and learning and understanding and and speaking i i have come to this conclusion um and it's painful you know my positions are most things come from i'm'm not going to lie, it genuinely does come from a place of study and interest.

But I am interested in how a trans person can compete in elite sport fairly. And you only get to understand how that can happen for people. And also, if the scientists don't have the answer yet, why are you going to have the answer? They don't know. They have PhDs. They do this for a living. Why would we know anything? Yeah, and it's not all based on science. It's like, you know, I'm a white heterosexual man.

Like I'll probably read something and think, yeah, that does seem like, oh, right. How does that work then if it's been like this before? And it's like, well, then, you know, like I need to speak to a trans woman and then maybe they're going to go, well, you haven't come at it from this angle and this is why it's okay or this is what you know i mean and it's like until i've had that conversation i sort of need to just hold back a bit you know yeah it's so

complex it's and also this idea of fairness like you know trans people want fairness too like nobody nobody wants to compete on a an environment where they feel they have this there's a real that no one says that no it's like they're literally people are saying how can we do this Nobody wants to compete on an environment where they feel they have this, there's a real, no one says that. It's like people are saying, how can we do this in a way that is understood to be fair? And what's the compromise that we need to make between fairness and inclusion?

Because there'll always be some compromise, you know? But no one's saying that. And it's really frustrating as somebody who you think sport is great and a great healer and, you know, just the accessibility to participation in it can can do lots of good things for communities. I think I think it's interesting how often like people get angry about the word equality when like the very meaning means that everyone's, you know, we're all benefiting from it. It's like, oh, women wanting to be equal. It's like, yeah, but that means that you're equal know like we're all benefiting from it it's like oh women wanting to be equal it's like yeah but that means that you're equal to them as well it's like it's okay it means we're all better off yeah it's true i've got a theory about TERFs trans exclusionary

radical feminists who in that kind of that's the movement that kind of started the gender critical movement and my theory is there was like a bunch of white women who used to be victims like oh my god patriarchy we're're victims. Is patriarchy horrible? Then the word Karen was invented. Right. And well, actually, you're a bunch of Karens. Look how you use your privilege to kind of you hide behind this position you're in under the patriarchy. And then you use it to burst into tears and, you know, get black people arrested. And this is historic. Like, you know, for centuries, you know, white women and white men have worked together you know it's not like white men running around being horrible it's it's a united front and

everyone what the world got better when both you know both individuals got better so to speak um oh my god we got privilege so that then had to become turfs to be victims again you know it was just a way of kind of like reversing that trend. So no, no, no, no, no. We're actually victims of trans that anyway like why would they start it's it's just all like this idea that you should be able to question the gender look at someone you're not a woman enough you're not you're not enough woman prove to me you deserve to piss in this toilet what what are you talking you know it's it's it's it's just calm down and embrace your for the privilege, just embrace it. Enjoy yourselves.

Be happy. You know, if you don't want to, I'll have it, you know, I'll take it. If you're not going to enjoy it. And so,

yeah, Sharon Davies is one of them. Like I said, there's loads of them, but she was the one that annoyed me. She compared drag queens to blackface, which I didn't even, I'm not even going to start talking about why that is

just okay i mean on a more trivial note it would be useful having a strong swimmer on the island oh okay yeah absolutely yeah and that was my other reason yeah yeah so i mean you know if you can keep her in the sea you know just just being useful. I'm like, oh, is that, I think I saw a tuna over there. Do you know, here's the spear, go on, off you go. And she's just off like a dolphin, you know. So I think if you can just keep her in the water, then you're probably all right. But yeah, I can see how that,

especially teaming up with Andrew Neil. So I think. It's a strong team. I guess all of them actually is. They'd really, yeah. I mean, you'd get, you know, you'd get like light and dark with Dave Chappelle. There'd be moments with him that it'd be okay,

but then it would flip and you'd be like, ah. But then I think it's going to just cause you more turmoil because you're like, oh, I just want a funny Dave again, you know. And like now he's siding with these two and you're just going to have to go for a long walk. And yeah, yeah. So it is a strong team, Athena. Thank you. You've really come out fighting. So I think this is great. Okay, now look. and you're just gonna have to go for a long walk and yeah yeah it is a strong team athena thank

you really come out come out fighting so i think this is this is great okay now look you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. We're going to move away from the people now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, so this is a generic one, but it's basically anything creamy, okay?

And if you've got childish listeners, they're going to be like, oh, is it a fiend? No, be quiet, it's serious I'm talking about. Anything creamy. So I mean like single cream, like pouring cream, whipped cream, something like, what's that jelly that's made out of milk it's italian oh like panna cotta horrible horrible anything i never thought of it as a milk jelly but it's just this anything milky um yogurt is excluded by the way um there are there are exclusions to

this profiteroles are excluded i like profiteroles but not anymore because i'm vegan now but i used to like them but just yeah but yeah but they've'm vegan now, but I used to like them. Yeah, but they've got cream in them, but I wouldn't say it's like creamy. It's not like a creamy sauce. It just has some cream in them. I think when you really deep the use of milk in our diet, you know, and we go to a cow and then we milk it and then we make stuff out of that milk, everything about that is incredibly wrong and not right.

We're the only human, we're the only species on the planet that drinks the breast milk of another species. No one does it. Cows that walk around and look at a goat and think, I'm going to have a bit of goat milk today, and chase the goat and drink the milk. Not even lions. Lions can do whatever the fuck they want. But they're not drinking the milk of tigers.

They're like, all right, mate. They've got better things to do. So we do this thing and it's very, it's obviously over the thousands of years we've done it, it's been beneficial to us and all this stuff. But I never liked cream. I used to, my mum used to make me like corn, make corn flakes in the morning. And I just stare at the bowl

and sort of corn flakes are all soggy and I stick it in the bin when she wasn't looking. at the bowl until the cornflakes are all soggy and i stick it in the bin um when she wasn't looking i just hate i hated milky tea i now drink my tea black my coffee black but when i was little i used to put like that was unknown to my mom as a concept so i put like one drop of of milk in my tea and you know and if she made me tea and there's too much milk in it i would refuse to drink it which would um you know you don't waste anything in our household so the idea that i would have wasted water and a drop of milk was just appalling to you know so hate milk anything creamy except for profiteroles and yogurt and butter icing i like i like butter icing okay and then what where do you stand on things like uh if it's like

a creamy sort like a like a carbonara or something like that no no no no no any kind of you know there's that there's like a mushroom sauce people make and it's like a creamy oh just why would you do that to mushrooms mushrooms are delicious why would you then just put cow milk i'm very against milk in savory food i couldn't be more against it and we're not there's a leadership election going on in the country right now. Someone is gonna be prime minister in September and not one of them has mentioned the use of milk

in savoury food. And I'm waiting for it. Like we've had this, they've had, we've had the conservatives for what, 10, 12 years? And not one of you is gonna talk about this. Why, I watched MasterChef and all this, and they're pouring cream into a dinner. Why are you having cream for dinner?

What's wrong with you people? This is why we're all going mad. Talking of the leadership, I've got a theory that a lot of conservatives go home and are breastfed. Especially Rhys Mogg. Rhys Mogg has a wet nurse, I'm convinced. He goes home and there's a special woman in a room. Like, it would be the least surprising thing.

You know, I just think there's something weird. Like, you know when people go, like, oh, yeah, they're all like, there's a David Icke, like, they're all lizards and whatever. It's like, I don't think it's like that weird. But I just think they're all like, there's some, like, grand, grand conservative wet nurse. And she's just sort of feeding them all. I don't know if Ofcom covers podcasts, but what you just said could get you a lot of complaints.

And I think you need to think about whether that makes the edit because there's a vision in my mind right now. I can visualize it and it's disgusting. It's literally ruined my day. It's done now. My day was already circling the drain. And now the sight of the thought of Jacob Rees-Mogg on somebody's lap, sucking their breast and drinking breast milk. Did you watch The Boys on Amazon?

I haven't, no, I haven't seen it. It's quite, they're one of the main characters who's very into being breastfed and it's appalling. But he's not Jacob Rees-Mogg, so I could just about stomach that that character trait but on him part of the reason it's so easy for you to visualize is because it's not that far absolutely not no all right i'll distract you for slightly from this from this disgusting topic what about your drink choice well i i mean i'm gonna i'm

gonna go with something similar to the creamy any any savoury food you cream, milkshake. There's a theme here. I'm generally quite a good eater. I like lots of things, but milkshake is just, I've never, particularly McDonald's milkshakes, I don't know what the fascination is with McDonald's milkshakes. It's just thick and full of fat. It's like lard.

I remember I have childhood memories of kind of trying to enjoy these things. And I would just be like, why are you making me drink cold lard? I don't know why someone's making me drink this and telling me that it's a treat. It's not a treat. And like, even at that young age, I could feel my arteries saying, no, Rufina, this ain't the one. This is not the one for you. There's a real weight to it isn't there like you pick it up it's like got heft and you know when you suck it up for a straw but you

gotta suck it up really hard it doesn't come up easy like a sprite it's just like like you're trying to like you've got a blockage in the vacuum cleaner you're trying to clean clean it manually not that i would do that but i'm just trying to search for an analogy that's appropriate. That's how bad and awful McDonald's milkshakes are. That's the analogy. It's just, I mean, I'd put the whole McDonald's menu outside of Apple Pie's into the food thing, if I'm honest. But a bizarre place. I think last time I had one, it was so disappointing.

I was a bit, the conditions were perfect. It was late. I was a bit drunk. I thought, do you know what? I haven't had one in ages. I'm going to just like have a, you know, like, the conditions were perfect. It was late. I was a bit drunk. I thought, do you know what? I haven't had one in ages. I'm going to just, like, have a, you know, like, guilty pleasure. I thought I'm going to get a burger and nuggets. And, like, and I was eating it.

And it's, like, it just obviously sat there for so long. It's, like, I'm sure I could still enjoy a McDonald's now. But it's, like, it had been so long. And I was, like, you know what? Yeah, fuck it. Now's the time. And it was just so dry. And then I was, like, okay, there's nuggets. And I'm, like, I don't know Yeah, fuck it. Now's the time. And it was just so dry. And then I was like, okay, there's nuggets.

I'm like, I don't know. Like it was so cardboardy. And it's like, now my guilty pleasure is just guilty. This is rubbish. There's no joy here. There's no joy. Do you know what it is? It's just like a victory for like the idea.

The idea of a McDonald's is like, oh, that sounds like a nice idea. And the pictures look great. and the adverts look great. And it's like, you know, as a kid, you want your parents to take you to McDonald's. But the actual, if you just go and buy a McDonald's, do the exact opposite of what we should be doing. Get McDonald's like a burger, open it up and look at it. It's miserable. It's literally like food should be something that brings joy, like you said, and makes you you happy and it should satiate you and you should look forward to eating it but if you look at that sad little burger that's clearly not bread it's just bread and sugar it's not like bread it's

just like if if you could make bread out of plastic it would look like a mcdonald's bun you know you know like toy like toy food that kids play with you know it looks like that and the burger looks like cardboard it looks like you know do you have a food waste bin sometimes like when everything we compacts in a food waste bin and you know that's like what the burger looks like if you just go into a food waste bin and press it all down into a patty it doesn't look far from mcdonald's then you taste it and it's no taste it's a taste of cardboard it's like what are you enjoying you don't even enjoy the gherkin no one likes the gherkin you know when stuff is like too good value like when it's like food I have a real problem you know you go to Ikea and you're like sorry wait the hot dogs how much like no like you know I'm

not being like that's too cheap for me to eat. But, you know, you just think when like a full meal, like, you know, they go, oh, that we had to put up the price of a cheeseburger. It's like, that's 20p more than a bag of crisps. Like, and it contains an animal. Like, how the fuck did you get that? Like, okay, like you need to raise the price or something. Like, this is, it's just weird. It can't, how can crisps be the same as a whole burger

containing an animal? I think about this all the time. You know, chicken shops will sell like six wings for a pound. That's three chickens. You've taken the wings of three chickens

and you're like that, I'll have a, and you've, you know, you've literally cut the wings off and then you've taken the feathers off and you've packaged it and you take a chicken shop,

take it to the chicken shop and you've cooked it and you've served it to me. All of that chicken shop, and you've cooked it, and you've served it to me, all of that for a pound. I mean, that can't be right. That's an animal with a heartbeat that could feel pain and could make noise and cared about its parents or the subsequently cared about its children,

had a nesting instinct, can feel emotions. And you're paying a pound? No, that's absolutely a poor, it doesn't make sense. And we've become so desensitized to the actual reality of what it takes to feed us animals. Like, and it's not even nice. You haven't even treated it with respect. You've just quite a deep fried it and stuck it in a cardboard box,

not even on a plate. Yeah, you've hit the nail on the head. And people are god a cheeseburger is one pound 20 it's not it should be cost five pounds for that you know they should it should literally cost you what it costs you in health it should cost you in money like instead of the health being the price it should be the actual cost a cheeseburger should absolutely cost one pound 20 yeah of course okay well i think you've put, again, you've put a very strong case together for those things being a really bad food and drink for you on the island. Athena, fortunately,

you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? You might have had this already, you might not it's going to be Posh Spice

and Dane Bowers doing that garage song they did, I think it was called Out of Your Mind a horrific it was a really sad time when the Spice Girls split up, not because I mourned their loss but because the solo singles were just miserable.

Although I did like Sporty. Everyone conceded that Sporty had a banger with Bryan Adams. Yeah. You know, everyone loves that song. And Mel B did all right with Missy, but she needed Missy Elliott on it, on her own. But it still felt a bit like it sort of made me like Missy Elliott a little bit less.

Yeah, you don't need this. I know that people in like, you know, the hip hop world do quite often sort of like have a blind spot when they get paid a lot. You know, it's like, I don't think this is doing you any favours, Missy. Like, come on. I think that people really wanted Mel B to have some kind of skin in the game. And none of them did. None of them were particularly good at music. It was just the Spice Girls were an idea they weren't musically any any good and this was a toss-up between Jerry's solo single um Look At Me which like people who can't sing

shouldn't sing songs that require you to sing that's why Rihanna does amazing because Rihanna's not a great singer but she just is such a good song selector. So she knows exactly what suits her and what style suits her and what songs is just gonna, that's why I love Rihanna. I don't really have a problem with singers you can't sing. I just know your limits.

But Posh Spice's song, what I hated was the cynicism of it. It was, oh, Garage is big now. So I'll just do a Garage song. But obviously they couldn't get anyone with credibility in the garage scene so they got dane bowers which it's sort of like making a cake with with toddlers and they make cakes with sort of mud and ketchup and they go mom i made you a cake and i go i'll go along with this but it's not a cake

and that's what they did. They just got these two things that should never have combined. And they made, the song is the closest thing you'll get to noise that you'll ever hear in the music. Like if you listen to it, it's just noise. It's a collection of sounds all bundled together with a very,

cause Posh Pies can't sing, they had to go heavy with the auto-tune but they had to pretend it wasn't auto-tune which is the worst way to use auto-tune so the whole thing i still remember out of your mind that's what it sounded like people won't know if that was me or a clip from the song it sounded like that i can remember like the chorus but i can't remember any other bits of the song it's like actually it's the same with the missy elli B one. Like, I can't remember, like, what the main bit of the song was. I can just remember the hook and it's like nothing else happened.

It was like, you know what I mean? It's like, you know, if there's like heart monitor, there's one little beep and then it's flat again. It's like, what happened there? Like, yeah, it's really weird. Like, I wasn't a big fan of Garage around that time anyway. Yeah, it just felt like they've got a load of spare parts on the cutting room floor and they're like,

who's available? Ah, Posh Spice. All right, we need a bloke. Dane Bowers. Dane Bowers, seriously? Yeah, he's available. Yeah, all right, Dane Bowers. Okay, like crank up the auto-tune.

And it's like, you know, there was sort of no substance to it at all. What's really sad is like every single member of a member of the spice girls at that point had become multi-millionaires off of the back of music it shouldn't have been so shit like this is literally your job like it doesn't make it's not fair that you're allowed to sort of generate all this celebrity and wealth and fame and you can't even do it like it's not even is it. Like it's not even a thing that you do, apart from Elsie who we love,

because we like that song. So that annoyed me, but I hate the song. I hate such a horrible song. It shouldn't exist, the video's horrible. And Posh Spice knew she couldn't sing. She had the power to say no. She could have been like, let me just go make this dress man.

But I don't know why they made her do it. There's nothing more to say, really. It's one of the worst songs ever to have been made in the history of mankind. You're very right. I can't disagree with you there. And imagine being stuck with that. There's no good in there to find.

What would your film choice be? So I thought very hard about this because there's lots of films that I despise. I have a very short attention span so a bad film is very annoying to me because films last for at least an hour and a half but i i have to put in the force awakens uh which would be like the episode 59 or whatever i don't know it's one of the episodes right now there are worse star wars movies they really are the phantom menace might be the worst of all of them to be fair. It's a horrible film

for lots of reasons. However, The Force Awakens goes in because everyone said, oh, it's amazing. It's the best film ever. The Force Awakens is just a remake

of episode four. It's a remake of episode four. Everything that happens in it is in episode four. And I get angry over these things. I get angry over serious things.

I get angry over stupid things. I got really angry over this because i was in the cinema watching it and i was like why are you enjoying this this just this happened you know the hologram bit happened the whole storyline the whole they've left i think they even blow up a planet in the force awakens if i remember correctly i might be making this up i'm getting confused is it was it like the first of the most recent yeah it was the first one so that was the force awakens was episode six i want or seven seven because it was four five six one two three so it's episode seven now i'm sorry people who love this film are let let them get away with murder because and you know what really annoys me rogue one wicked film why didn't yeah rogue one why didn't those three movies why didn't episode seven eight or nine why didn't they make rogue

make them like rogue one because they had everything they had money they had the actors they had the budget they had everything and they had the goodwill and they they copped out and were boring and they said you know what if you like if you're a star wars fan and there's loads of them we'll just make something like that to be happy what if you're just a fan of great art like me why don't you make something that's why rogue one was great because it's like a lovely story it was devastating it had a you know it was it was really you know it had really good it was great um and if it wasn't for rogue one i would probably have uh set fire to something by now but they saved they that saved me because I was ready to riot um wait till Avatar comes out I might start writing

after Avatar 2 because I hate because Avatar 1 was going to go in you know it was going to come in with me to the island but I had to get this off my chest about The Force Awakens it is a remake of episode 6 which is lazy I didn't like the fact no one was saying that out loud other than me and it's and in a hundred years time there'll be there'll be a statue to me somewhere um and it'll be here is athena she said the force awakens was remake of those six and she was right so when the most recent batch came out i quite liked them all and i remember people sort of getting pissed off at them and i was just so relieved they were like on a better standard than the other new ones.

Do you know what I mean? When it was all like Phantom Menace and those three because they were so bad that I just can barely remember it. But I remember being in the cinema watching the second of that trilogy and people just openly laughing at bits that weren't meant to be funny in the cinema. So when they came along, I was like Rogue One, obviously brilliant then the other three I just thought you know like I'm just glad they're back and they're okay you know they're sort of they're all right but having said that

I can remember very little about any of them and I haven't really wanted to re-watch any like my wife just recently decided to watch all the Star Wars in order and she went through like right and I was like you're not gonna watch the Phantom Menace and like all of those. She's like, no, no, I'm doing it properly. And she was like, yeah, you know, there's bits I think like when you sort of have some distance from it. And I think it's not as bad as I remember. It's still not great, you know. And I was like, oh, I should sit down and watch them with you.

And I was like, no, I'm all right. And I thought I was a bigger Star Wars fan than her. But I'm just like, I feel like I've done that and it's all right, you know? They're not good movies. You know why? They're about trade. So much of it is, oh, we're sending some spice

and they're going to sell this, they're going to take that. And it's like, just burn Darth Vader. When are we going to get good stuff? What's really new about those films is the end of episode three is actually quite good because that's when Darth Vader becomes Darth Vader. And it's like you're making us sit through seven hours to get to the good stuff.

That's so annoying. I will say one thing. George Lucas come out after The Phantom Menace and he said, you guys are being cruel. These are children's movies. And if you watch The Phantom Menace with that on your mind, then you can say it's passable. But when you've got to look at a film and say,

well, let me view this through the eyes of a four-year-old that's not good that's not a it's not a good thing but i think i think that they all went a bit um they all it wasn't a good story the stories are crap but also they're not they're not just children's movies because some of them are like rated older than children can see like there's something they're not all like universal i think the first few were like use and then some of them are like PG. Some of the recent ones are like 12s or something. And I sat down and watched the original Star Wars with my five-year-old recently.

He's got a good attention span for films. And I still had to break it up into bits for him, because it's not a cartoon. It's still like grownups and doing stuff. And you had to sort of talk him through a lot of it. And since when do kids like films about trade wars? I mean, it's like... It's just...

Jacob Rees-Wogg maybe would have really lapped it up, but, you know, and other people, but anyone else. Yeah, it's boring. It was a real... What annoys me is kind of like... I think it gets to the point where when you're like George Lucas or whatever, like you just have an idea and people go, yeah, that's a really great idea.

And that's a real shame because those things exist now. And the nostalgia people have over Star Wars and Empire, which I think is the greatest of all of them. I think Empire Strikes Back is such a great film. No one has that, that rewatchability doesn't exist anymore, like for those films. And that's, well, it's not a shame, I don't care. But I just sort of think they haven't, to not reestablish that nostalgia is a waste of everyone's time. We could have watched other things at the cinema.

I had to watch The Force Awakens, which is just episode six with the remake. I mean, it just annoyed me. Fair enough. All right. Athena, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why well we know it's a summer my doors are open it's the fly I mean I know there are lots of kinds of

flies so I mean I don't know how specific I've got to be the one that is attracted to shit is that a particular kind that's the worst of them because when it touches you you think oh my god it's on me and it's probably been on poo. That's horrible. I generally hate the way, I mean, this is well-documented. It's born for me to say it. I hate saying it. I just hate the way they fly inside your house, but they seem to struggle to fly out. It's like watching somebody

who can't reverse park, reverse park, but that's entertaining. Watch, you know, and sometimes you want to help the fly get out. So you have your tea towel and you'll be running around your house going, look, I'm showing you the window. I'm showing you the window i'm showing you the window and they're going and they're just acting like it's like hysterical stupid animals get out and be in the open you

and the desk when you think about how small a fly is the noise they make you know the noise size ratio is unacceptable i don't know what god was doing there when he said no. So I hate flies. They annoy me. They should not be in my house. But I'd have to live with them on the island now. I've made that choice. I've got to stand by it. You're right about the noise size ratio.

Because, like, I had to get one out of this room earlier just because I was like, oh, I can't be bothered flapping around trying to shoo it out. And I thought, well, no, because I've got to record it. And it'll probably be able to hear it when i'm recording they're like the equivalent of like you know those pricks who drive around like really loud motorbikes or like a car with a really loud exhaust it's like and it's but it's got a tiny little engine it can't even go fast it's sort of equivalent of that also i've got a real phobia of maggots oh yeah you know it's like summertime bins outside like like basically from say spring to autumn i'm terrified that i'm gonna open a bin and see that you know i mean because when i do i feel like itchy for like a day i just can't think of anything else and it's

you know most animals the baby version is cute but like the baby version of a fly is a fucking maggot like what are you doing pricks i mean that if anything sums up the justification for putting flies on my desert island full of dicks like the you know it's a maggot you're not even cute as a baby you're horrible wriggly little thing that just is just horrible i'm trypophobic we've done if you trypophobia when you're just afraid of like holes and organic holy things and maggots and trypophobia go together like chicken and chips and it's just the idea of them burrowing into things and crawling around and oh yeah i'm i don't have a phobia but i do find them incredibly unpleasant like everyone does no one likes maggots you know i mean you'll get some some people like

snakes and you get fair enough and some people like weird animals no one no one has like a fuck it a little glass cage full of maggots going they're my friends i mean it just doesn't happen because they're disgusting because they turn into flies which is just horrible it's one of those things you know when you've got little kids and you're trying to not be scared you don't want it's like a spider and you're like don't worry look it's a spider yeah like god help me if i have to like pretend to not be scared of maggots in front of my kids luckily you know you don't see them very much but it's something about bins in summer i'm just like terrified oh but kids are assholes they'll do they'll pick up a maggot and start chasing you with it so you can never let your

kids know your fears this is you know never let your kids know you're afraid of because they will use that against you you know that you'll be they'll be grown up right and you they'll want to go out to like party with their friends and then you'll say no then i'll throw a maggot at you and then you'll be like oh go out and play like so don't tell them your fears otherwise that's it that's the end of it i remember like going on holiday once with loads of mates and some of them went fishing and they had like this bait they had maggots and they and they were just sort of pissing about like throwing them at each other and i was like i've got to back away but i can't let you know that this is a thing that i've got because otherwise i'm just dead for the entire it makes it sound like i hang around

with awful laddy people which isn't the case but it's like but so it flies i mean they're just like the entire life cycle is based on them being a prick and they just bother you like you know what if they wouldn't buzz around me, then I'd be off. I'd be all right. Just go in the corner. You've got your tiny, you've got the whole room at your disposal. Just go away. But they don't.

What's worse is when there's an open window and there's a closed window and they fly repeatedly into the closed one. I mean, are you dumb? Like, just move a bit to the left. It's clearly there. So you've got how many eyes? You know what I mean? Like, you see what they see. Like, you know move a bit to the left. It's clearly there. So you've got how many eyes? How many? You know what I mean? Like, you see what they see.

Like, you know, you go to the science museum, they can see like a million pictures at once. Like, find the fucking open window. It's infuriating, infuriating little things. And I don't care if they spread nectar. I think it's just bees.

They don't have any, flies don't actually have any use today. What do they do? I think, I mean, I think they sort of probably help things decompose. But mean i think stuff decomposes without them as well i think absolutely i think so absolutely and they're not whilst it's in my house it's not doing its work there's nothing decomposing in my house you're wasting your time mate yeah no i guess i'm getting itchy now talking about this i think it's getting worse as i get older it's like you think i'm over

40 now i should be all right with this stuff but no I'm still still awful um all right well I think on that note you've you know you've picked a great selection of awful things from your island you've argued them superbly um you know it's been entertaining and also insightful which I can't say about every episode we put out and it's usually my fault but this is this has been great. Athena, where can people see more of your work? Find me on Twitter and Instagram, not on Facebook. You know what I mean? I'm over 40, but I'm still a young'un. So, you know, just Instagram and Twitter.

Not TikTok. I've got one post and I don't have to delete it. So don't go on TikTok, you'll only be disappointed. But Twitter and Instagram, come say hello, that'd be lovely. Nice one. Athena, thank you so much for joining us today it's been a real pleasure my pleasure thank you so there you go that was desert island dicks for today now um as i said this is going to be the last episode for a little while we've just got to regroup get some new guests and fill our schedule

with dicks for you to consume once again so i don't know give it a few weeks or something like that i reckon yeah that sounds about right but in the meantime, do go and book tickets for our live show in October. That would be great. And we will announce the guest properly for that in due course as well. Okay. Thank you very much for listening. And I love you all very much more than you can ever know. And we shall speak again soon.

Bye.