Desert Island Dicks - AYESHA HAZARIKA

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is Former Labour Advisor, Evening Standard columnist and comedian, Ayesha Hazarika. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, a show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

is former Labour advisor, Evening Standard columnist and comedian Ayesha Hazarika. Hello. Hello, thank you so much for coming in. Oh, it's such a pleasure. It's like a dream come true. Do you know, Desert Island Dicks is the thing that is like, that is, you know you've made it.

But Aisha, thank you so much for coming in. If you're happy to, should we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice? Yeah, let's crack on. So my first choice is that I'm going to name two people, but it's a kind of type of person. Okay. So I'm going for sort of joint first place with Piers Morgan and Nigel Farage.

OK, wow. And I'm picking them because they have sort of spawned a kind of generation of emboldened sort of right-wing men. You know the phrase, the Gammons? Right, yes. They're like the godfather of Gammonry. OK. They were sort're like the godfather of Gammonry. OK. They were sort of like the kind of...

I feel like the Gammon men that you see like popping up on Question Time and just generally being really angry and giving you loads of abuse, they're sort of the love child of Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan, in my view. Wow, so they've opened the door to all of this Gammonry. They have.

They have. They've been like a massive Gammon factory. OK. Morgan in my view wow so they've opened the door to all of this gammonry they have they have they've been like a massive gammon factory okay gammon on an industrial scale because of these two men and I've actually had encounters with um both of them not in that kind of way obviously um so Nigel Farage I had a massive row with on the Andrew Marr show. OK. And what was so interesting about him is that when he came into the studio, because you go there a bit early and you go through all the papers

and get your make-up done and stuff, and he sort of turned up with such bravado. He sort of had more kind of chutzpah than the Prime Minister. Wow. Mind you, everyone's got more chutzpah than the Prime Minister we have currently. They're ironing boards with more chutzpah than watch any of the dancing videos going around at the minute although i think that's really working for i think that's helping us sort of feel a tiny

bit the fact that she's doing the peter crouch thing everyone's like oh that's quite sweet isn't it dance like no one's watching literally yes but you've got all these cameras on you but i remember he sort of walked in and he had such sort of swagger and such a sense of entitlement. It was almost like he was more important than Andrew Marr, whose show it was. Wow. And he had this just great sense of like, I'm the main attraction.

I'm the only person that matters on this. And I just sort of lost it with him when we went on air and he kind of wouldn't let anyone else speak. So then I just got really shouty and ranty and slightly scrappy-doo. Wow, OK. But I felt it was what the public wanted. You were speaking for everyone, I imagine, at that moment.

But what was interesting is beforehand he was so like, I'm in control, I'm the alpha here, I'm the main man. And he was like, you know, very sort of affable with everybody because it was like it was his show. And then when he was challenged by me and he didn't like it, he sort of stormed off afterwards and didn't stay for breakfast. OK. And I thought, that's a real reveal into your character.

So you like everybody when we're kowtowing to you and sort of you're the king. But when anyone challenges you, particularly a woman, you can't handle it. Wow, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Exactly. Why does he feel like he can just go around like this i don't know it's a sort of weird innate sense of entitlement

and power and i mean that's why i suppose feminists like i always go on about sort of male privilege it's a particular type of confidence is a particular type of self-belief that you're always right that you should always dominate everything in the room, that you have a sort of divine right to speak over everybody. I mean, that's very true of Piers Morgan as well. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I've done Good Morning Britain a few times with him. And it's like, I don't know why there's anyone else on the set, because it's just him and his ego and it's quite extraordinary and I feel really sorry for Susanna Reid who I think is brilliant and I think she's clever and bright and opinionated but the

woman can barely get a word in because he's just yapping on the whole time and actually nobody else gets a word in and I remember one time I did the show and Piers Morgan and I had a bit of a to-do about something on air and I hadn't done the show that many times and the next morning when I was in makeup and it's so early you're literally in makeup at like the back of six o'clock and your like eyes are like piss holes in the snow and you can like barely kind of speak and he sort of came up to me and he was like so did you think you were all important having a go at me on air yesterday morning? Well, if you ever do that again, I'm going to take you down live on air. And I was like, then he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Just joking. Or am I? And I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I cried. I cried. And even the makeup lady who was doing my eyeliner was like literally, her hand was shaking so much it was literally going everywhere.

And I was like, that's really bad. Like that's a really bad sort of, hey, this is, you know. He also had his groin really sort of close to my face. Oh no, it's horrible. He was kind of like an anchorman

sort of parody. I was going to imagine it. And I just, I hate that type of just, you know, I'm the big guy here. I'm the alpha and I'm just going to be

in control of everything. And it's a way of sort of shutting everybody else up and it does my head in. I don't know how I'm the big guy here, I'm the alpha, and I'm just going to be in control of everything. And it's a way of sort of shutting everybody else up, and it does my head in. I don't know how I can go around just thinking that everything that he says is right. It's just like, some of the stuff he comes out with is just unbelievable. And then he just tries to justify,

and it's just horrible, horrible to watch or listen to. It is, it is horrible to watch. And also the other thing that they both have in common is I think the person that they worship at the altar for, the person who they look up to more than anybody, is, of course, Donald Trump. Because I think to them, he embodies the ultimate of that type of behaviour,

which is this, you know, I'm here, I'm in charge, you know, I'm just the man. You know, I have this huge ego. Everything I say is the law fact. And I think they look up to him and think, wow. In fact, Piers Morsgen is so far up Donald Trump's backside. He's within touching distance of Nigel Farage's shoes. Oh, my God.

Both of them up the Ultra Gammon. Donald Trump, the Ultra Gammon. Wow. So are we going to... Is there any more on those guys before... Sorry, before I... I mean, the only other thing, or just a political point, is I think they've completely sort of polluted political discourse in this country. I think Nigel Farage has wreaked a huge amount of damage, particularly through all the sort of Brexit stuff. But that is just a broader, more kind of serious political

point. I think he's done a lot of damage to this country. And then when Brexit's got difficult, it's kind of fled the scene of the crime. You know, he sort of caused all the mess and he's like, all right, it's too difficult now. I'm kind of, you know, he's the kind of person who's there to sort of stir it up and wind everybody up but won't be there to sort of actually be part of the solution and make things happen awful bad yeah you should um face up to your uh to your decisions you should uh take some responsibility take back control exactly of the mess you've just caused i know yeah, yeah. Okay, so we're kind of saying gamins, the gaminery. Yeah, the gaminery, the godfathers of gaminery.

The godfathers of gamery, Piers Morgan and Nigel Farage. Okay, excellent. Aisha, who's going to be your second choice? So, because I've kind of attacked men on the right, I sort of think for good political and social balance, I should also attack men on the left. So this isn't sort of individuals as such, but it's a kind of type of person.

And these are men on the left who think they're really right on. They think they're really woke. There's often a bit of facial hair going on and some really bad, like, T-shirts. Nice. And they're like, they think they're like brothers. They're like woke brothers. Oh, no.

But actually they're like the worst. So they sort of kind of disguise themselves as really good people because they're on the left. But actually they're pretty, like, awful. And they actually have quite a lot of the characteristics that I talked about before in terms of, like, extreme male privilege. They think they're absolutely correct about everything. They often sort of maraud on social media,

sort of terrorising people. They go after... They give it the big one about being feminist, but then they go after, like, a lot of women that don't match their particular train of thought. And they just generally really do my head in. The thing that does my head in as well is they lecture a lot of women about feminism.

Okay. Thinking that they're being really helpful and they kind of mansplain women's rights and equality and all of that stuff to you. And it is particularly, particularly annoying because they like to think that they have the moral high ground on everybody else, but they really don't. You're encountering a lot of these woke brothers.

Yeah, there's like a lot of woke brothers at the moment. In fact, I went to this conference at the weekend and they were like two, like, I wouldn't say, they were almost like two woke baby brothers. They were like kind of really new onto the scene. So they were like woke toddlers. And they were on this panel. And I don't know if they'd ever met each other before,

but they sort of looked at each other and sort of double took because they like to portray themselves as being really individual man. And then they turned up and they both looked exactly the same no way they were literally wearing the same outfit they had the same hair their body language was exactly the same they had the same or the other thing about them is they're often quite posh but they like pretend to be like class warriors right okay but they have like a really kind of expensive you know voice and they've been schooled really well and they but they lecture everybody else and it was so funny watching them because it was like it was like sort of identical twins

that had been separated at birth and then they suddenly reconnected and afterwards i was watching them sort of interact together like a sort of weird like david attenborough spy and it was so funny because they were even mimicking each other's oh no body language but both of them were like their kind of shtick was like hey man i'm like i'm such an individual you know i'm so unique like there's nobody like me and it's like yeah there's like quite a lot like you yeah everyone else have watched that same youtube video that's copying all the mannerisms and opinions from yeah okay okay right on woke brothers. I see.

I've definitely met a few of these in my time and I can think of them. There's a lot of Twitter warrior woke brothers, right? You see that a lot. And they can sit behind Twitter and, you know, like you said, mansplain feminism to people. And in fact, the best one, the most brilliant thing on Twitter

is a parody account of these woke brothers. And it's called Corbyn Superfan. And I don't know who this person is, whether it's a male or female behind it, but it is absolutely genius. It just captures the kind of wanky, wokiness absolutely to a T. It is just completely brilliant. It just never, ever fails to make me sort of howl with laughter because there's such a ring of truth about it. That's amazing. Corbyn superfan.

Yeah, it's really good. I'm making a note now. I will follow after the podcast. In fact, it's so good, people think it's real. Really? People think it's real. It's been going for like a little while. It's been going for a wee while,

but people get into like mad rows with this person and then they just keep upping the ante. And everyone, if you know it, you know it's ridiculous, but it just shows you it's so difficult now to actually make the distinction, particularly on the left, between reality and parody. Yeah, okay. Do you know who's doing it?

No, I would love to find out honestly we have to find out who this person is and like give them a comedy series because they are genius amazing okay if you are corbin superfan then please do tweet into the podcast and let us know yeah oh i'll be really interested come on the podcast yeah i'm gonna add them in i'm gonna add them in okay all right okay um we'll go on to twitter and see how that unfolds. Okay, anything else about these woke brothers before we leave them on the island? Please don't harass me on Twitter

after this podcast goes out. A lot of blockings, just one after another. Okay, great. So the woke brothers go on, and who's going to be your third choice? So I feel I've done a lot of attacking of men, so I'm going to do a bit of gender balance, and my third desert island dick is Kim Kardashian.

Kim K. Kim K. Why Kim K? Well, a lot of people would argue that, you know, Kim Kardashian might be a bit of a role model to future generations for, you know, her business acumen and things like that, there's a but, and it is massive. It is huge. It is giant. And it's got more silicon than a start-up in Silicon Valley, let's be honest.

And I'm sorry, it just does my head in. The fact that Kim Kardashian has created this image where the only thing that matters as a woman, the only thing you should be valued on is how you look. And she's always kind of, who takes these selfies? It's like she must have somebody just following her around like 24-7, just taking photos of her and just doing the most ridiculous thing. She's always posing with like no clothes on, but like one sock or something like that.

I mean, it's just like who does that and i just feel i'm so overseen every inch of a sort of perfect hair free unattainable surgically enhanced porn star body that just is the whole image thing is just designed to make kind of women just feel slightly inadequate and she did this thing recently like a fair play to you know she's got she's very attractive she's got a great body she spends like most of her life putting on makeup contouring and sort of working out but women should be valued for far more than just that and she she she's had this thing recently about how much she weighed right and this huge thing about how proud she was that she had reached some certain weight like her her makeup of her blood and her bones and her molecules and her atoms came to a certain number of pounds.

And I just thought, what a reductive way to see a human being that you only matter because of how little you weigh. You're so important because you weigh so little. You take up so much space. And I just think a lot of people go, oh, yeah, but she's doing feminism because she's like doing it herself and this is what she wants to do

and stuff and I'm like no it's not what women want feminism to be actually it's what men in control of the media want feminism to be you know they're sort of it's like how stupid are women to think that feminism is sort of like getting your tits out looking submissive and sort of porn star and sexually available all the time and that's the only thing

by which you're defined so that's why you know i kind of think did the suffragettes really die for this you know did emily wilding davidson throw herself in front of a horse so that Kim Kardashian could invent the Belfie? I think not. Oh, I think you're right. I think you're very right. And what do you think this is doing to young women? What does this mean for young women in the future? Well, I think even right now, today, I think it's having a very distorting effect for young women about what they should look like and what their bodies should look like.

Everybody is addicted to social media now, but younger people particularly. And lots of young girls and young women are suffering from terrible self-hatred about how they look. Now, that's happened for a long time, ever since sort of magazines and films were invented. And actually, time immemorial from the Victorian times when your corset had to, like, crush your ribs to get to a certain um sort of smallness but I think

particularly now because we are you know our lives are governed by social media and young women and young girls are very very susceptible to it and I think it's like creating a lot of mental health issues so there's a couple of stories recently there was um a very tragic story about um I think it's like creating a lot of mental health issues. So there's a couple of stories. Recently, there was a very tragic story about, I think, a woman who died recently from having so much plastic surgery. She almost developed this sort of body dysmorphia and she wanted to sort of look like somebody who she sees on social media, on Instagram or, you know, whatever. And there was another very worrying report out very recently saying something like a quarter of young girls have self-harmed. And I think, I think in my view, a lot of that is linked to social media, unattainable ideals of perfection. You know, when you're growing up through puberty, you have a really difficult time with your hormones raging, you think you look, you know, horrend raging. You think you look horrendous.

You've got all these changes happening to your body. And now on top of that, there is this relentless thing in your hand, in the palm of your hand, which just shows you picture after picture after picture of everybody looking perfect. And the signal is to you as a young woman that that's how you're valued as a human being if you're a woman you've got to worry about having a gap between your thighs you've got to be so thin you have to post pictures of yourself looking you know absolutely not an ounce of fat on you yet unrealistically you know big boobs or or whatever and I just think there's such a... There's so much pressure on young people anyway. But that's, I think, the damage that these women have,

like Kim Kardashian, because they're such influencers. You know, they have huge followings on Twitter and Instagram. And they actually, with that, does come a lot of power in terms of shaping what a lot of young women will think they should look like. Yeah, absolutely. so do you think the answer is to be more considerate about what you post on social media or for people to use it less or what's the do you know i just i really don't know what the answer is to that i've thought about it um a lot it's very difficult because we just now live in an age where everybody is on social media and saying to people we'll just have less social media you you can't you can't you can't do that I mean

there's a whole generation of young people who are digital peacocks they have grown up they're digital natives they just they they have grown up an environment where they record and document and post every single aspect of their lives it's almost like if they haven't instagrammed it it hasn't happened totally yeah i see that so it's really difficult to say to them right just change the the whole way you you do but i think what there should be is much more research into the effects on people's mental health about social media there's um i mean we talked about twitter abuse when there's a lot of bullying that goes on on social media as well as unrealistic expectations.

There's a dark side to social media. There's also evidence that shows that the way it's been designed, which is brilliant and it's genius because it has worked, we're all addicted to it. If I post something and somebody likes it, you do get that wee dopamine hit. You're like, wow, someone's liked my sort of post. It's, you know, the way, you know, news is refreshed on a second by second basis.

It's addictive. It's sort of, you know, you can just feast on social media all day. I think we'll look back on this period of time, the social media, in the same way we did the sort of tobacco industries. Right, yes. And I think we'll see definitely shouldn't, you can't sort of ban it as such, but we need a lot more research into it

and we almost need to educate people about, I mean, obviously it does a lot of good, but the dark side of it as well and the effects on your health. Okay, brilliant. Wow, thank you so much, Aisha. That was really enlightening. I think it's great. Okay, Kim K.

Kim K as a representation of, you know. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com okay aisha now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what

are they and why are they so bad so i've got two foods that i really really hate the first category of food so i've got this real phobia about cooked orange food cooked orange food oh yeah i like i can't handle it i don't understand so take a carrot raw no problem i can be like bugs bunny no way cooked carrot i'm like is there anything else then like um butternut squash i cannot stand like i literally freak out at butternut squash um sweet potato so these are these are foods with completely different flavors but it's just that they're orange and cooked it's weird i think there's something about the texture and the taste of it when it's cooked there's a weird sort of sweetness and the wow yes there is a sweetness yeah and i just it I can't stand it. Like, I literally, I'm just like... Orange pepper.

Again, nice. Yeah. Raw, but nowhere I cannot handle it. No way. That's amazing. I guess it is the sweetest. I wonder if there's something in orange foods, like a certain, like, chemical or more sugar or something in orange foods that does that.

Because I don't like food with sweet things in it. Like, you know, when people put, like, raisins in kind of stuff, I'm like, well... There must be something just in my make-up about not liking sweets and savoury, which is completely weird, because I'm happy to shovel as many Haribo down my gob the rest of the time.

I definitely don't have a problem with sweetness in any part of the culinary experience. OK. Orange food. I'm just trying to think of any other instances, I definitely don't have a problem with sweetness in any part of the culinary experience. Okay. Orange food. I'm just trying to think of any other instances, but I think you've probably covered all of them. And then the other bit of food that I just cannot stand is like porridge. Porridge.

Or it's like congealed vomit. I just cannot stand it. What about if you put loads of honey or something on it? No, just can't do it. Can't do it. Can't do it. I can understand where you're coming from with that. I mean, I wouldn't say I've really enjoyed a porridge.

Do you know what I mean? You just kind of battle through it. I don't think anyone does. No, okay. I think you're probably right. It's one of those, like, you do it to just signal how healthy you are and how virtuous you are and how worthy you are. Like, you might have a porridge after you've gone

for a morning run. Yes, okay. I hate those people. What are you having for breakfast? I'm really bad. I just like, sometimes I don't have breakfast. Just don't know breakfast. Because I'm sort of so disorganised and so busy. The other day, so bad.

The other day and it was really hot, I had a Magnum for breakfast. No you didn't. You didn't. was really hot i had a magnum for breakfast no you didn't you didn't so awful you had a magnum for breakfast i hate myself did you i had nothing else it was really really hot and it's quite late i was like oh i've got a cheeky i've got i never have anything in my fridge because i'm a complete domestic disaster zone i only have like sort of some nail varnish and some old vodka, which makes me sound like

a really functional human being. But I had some like, I was like, oh, I've got a cheeky magnum. A cheeky magnum in your freezer. Wow. Okay. Magnum for breakfast.

You're an adult. You can do what you want, right? I think I need a carer. I think you need some help. Yeah, okay. And what's going to be your drink choice? Oh, Earl Grey tea.

Earl Grey tea. Oh, yes, that is an excellent choice. It's so minging. It is, yeah. And people think it's this really sophisticated drink, and it's just like sort of, it's like really, it's like someone's taken a really cheap perfume and heated it up and gone, here go yes enjoy it is it's got that

weird perfumey flavor and it's just like no matter how long you brew it it's always the same color do you drink tea otherwise oh absolutely and i have a great link to tea because my parents are from a place called asam in india i know asam okay where the tea comes from and in fact many of my uncles actually worked on these big tea plantations so when i was wee and i went to india i got to visit the tea plantations and see it all being picked and how it was made and tasted fresh tea which was incredible so i love tea i'm a real sort of tea person but i'm really picky it's got to be sort of a sam tea or you know i like yorkshire tea as well yorkshire tea is very very good and my uncle actually who works um and this tea garden said that of all the kind of blends actually yorkshire tea is like the best yeah he was like yorkshire tea is amazing

okay that's that is good yeah he was like yorkshire tea is really good but none of this nonsense and the worst thing is with earl grey tea it's minging enough anyway and then people put loads of milk in it and it all goes like slightly claggy with milk and you're like oh i just got vomit in my mouth i can't do that yes okay does even the smell set you off yeah the smell totally sets me off i'm the same yeah if i'm sat next to someone i'm just thinking you could just have a lovely cup of tea like a proper brew a proper brew yeah exactly that is amazing about Yorkshire tea. Yeah. I always thought it was the best. You know, it's just a delicious cup of tea.

A great advert for Yorkshire tea. Yeah, we are available. If you want to send us some Yorkshire tea, Yorkshire tea. We've done such good promo for Yorkshire tea. I know, absolutely, yeah. Okay, Yorkshire tea. Not Yorkshire tea. Okay, Earl Grey tea is going to be your choice.

Aisha, unfortunately for you you won't be without entertainment on the island the Plains Entertainment System continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favourite

film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why? Right so my film is sort of a controversial choice because everybody

seems to love this film apart from me. Okay. And it's on all the time. And its creator was recently on another podcast and everybody loves him. And the film is Love Actually. Okay. Love.

I cannot stand that film. Why is that? Oh, where to begin it's just so it's so well first of all it just gives this really saccharine-y

view of like society and London not by expecting everything to be like a Ken Loach sort of you know

start weeping from the start but it's just the cliches are just so awful in it like everyone's just such a horrendous cliché.

And I find the Emma Thompson kind of storyline really depressing as well, where we just basically applaud the fact that this guy's going off and having a, you know, sort of shagging about and sort of kind of gets away with it. And the Hugh Grant thing is just so ridiculous because that is just not how politics works. And I know we're altering the bodyguard

and that's totally unrealistic as well, but it's just better. And it's just every single sort of cliche about what love and relationships and just life should be. And it's so unattainable on every single level. You know, nobody lives, nobody can afford to live in the types of sort of houses

and nobody has those kind of fairy tale. Life's just not like that. No. Because I'm not expecting everything to be so gritty, but it's so cheesy. And then there's this weird bit as well with Keira Knightley is married to this other guy, but then creepily, his best friend really fancies her.

And then he turns up with all these, he's like a sort of weird stalker and he sort he turns up with all these, he's like a sort of weird stalker and he sort of turns up with all these kind of cards basically saying, I really fancy you. His best mate is sitting inside. So he's basically done the dirty on his best mate as well. It's just like, ooh. Isn't there a bit where he's there at a party or something

and he's just filming her? Oh! How weird's that? That's weird. Imagine if you found out like a friend of yours was like filming someone on in secret at a party come on i forgot about that bit that's and it's no it's at his mate's wedding oh it's a wedding yes of course it is yeah he's the best man for his mate when he's basically trying to bone the bride he is and like zooming in on i know on her face it's really weird isn't it it's

so wrong it's so wrong yeah you kind of think in hindsight how did like how did no one flag that up when they were making the film they all like oh we're making this really cute like amazing christmas film and there's all these really weird and creepy elements i'd love to see someone cut that together as like a fake um trailer right because it could be really creepy you could do like a really sort of malevolent kind of trailer about it like i'm coming for you sort of thing it's so wrong and so creepy on so many levels okay love actually yes and it just seems to be on every year it just doesn't go away it's on on a loop there are some christmases where you're like is there there nothing else available? Is there nothing else in the archive? Is there not one other film, like, anywhere?

Just anything else, yeah. I guess it's just become part of this whole Christmas thing that just arrives every year with the Christmas songs from, like, November Now and, you know, all the rest of it. But somebody, like, posted something the other day where there's a supermarket that's already got Christmas stuff in now. Unbelievable. And you were like, please

God, no, please, please, please. At least put off putting Love Actually on TV until late in December. I know. And give us like a trigger warning. People who are triggered by it should get a special warning. It should have a trigger warning, yeah, okay. Love Actually and

what's going to be your song choice? Agadou. Agadou,adou Agadou Agadou by Blackleys Wow, that's great, Agadou, why Agadou? Blackleys wow that's great Agadou why Agadou

I just hate it it's so annoying and I think it came out in about 1984 and it just seemed to be played like everywhere and I remember loads of like parties I went to

at that point oh and it was just like Agad I was like no make it stop like my ears bleeding just make it stop it was so annoying

I'm just going to tell the listeners when I asked Aisha why she sort of went head in hand there like I really brought back a memory okay in fact it was such a crap song that BBC One banned it because they didn't view was such a crap song that BBC One banned it because they didn't view it as a credible song.

That is amazing. I'm going to write that down. BBC Radio 1, they banned it. Yeah, apparently they just said it didn't meet the criteria of a proper song because it was just so shite. That is amazing that someone just turned around and wrote, OK, we can put an end to this. And it was like, I've always loved the BBC for that alone.

I wonder if they've pulled that out of the bag with any other songs. That's the standalone one. I wonder if there's still an embargo on Agadou and you just can't play Agadou on Radio 1. But even when I hear the opening kind of, I'm like, no! I literally have to run out of wherever I am. I'm just like, can't cope, cannot cope.

I'm just trying to think what the lyrics are. What's it even about? It's like push pineapples. Shake the tree. Something like that. Is it making you feel sick to talk about? Yeah, I am actually. Can we stop recording?

I'm just feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. You need to get out for a minute. So you remember it at parties, Agadou. Yeah. Was it being dragged out all the time? It was being dragged out all the time and all my other friends seemed to love it and everyone was dancing away.

There was a dance. Oh, there's a dance, yes. There's a dance to go with it and doing a sort of, you know, oh, God, it was just so awful. And I felt like I was the really miserable one because I just hated this song so much. I was just like...

I mean, by the way, I'm not holding myself up as this virtuous person on music, like I'm the expert, because I loved Rick this song so much. I was just like... I mean, by the way, I'm not holding myself up as this virtuous person on music, like I'm the expert, because I loved Rick Astley as well, so we all make big mistakes in terms of our musical hinterland, but this song just was so kind of obnoxious to me. I just, you know, even as a small child, I was like, there is right and there is wrong,

and a line has been crossed with this. That's amazing. You even knew as a kid. And actually, in hindsight, all those people that liked it, who's the silly one now, right? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Who's on Desert Island Dicks now? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, Agadou. Anything else on Agadou before we leave it on the island? No, nothing more ever on Agadou, please.

Okay, Aisha. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's the slug. The slug! Oh, I just hate slugs so much.

They're so horrible. They're so gross. They're so slimy. They're so horrible. I literally, I can't stand it. If I see one, I just can't bear it.

I just can't stand it. And they're really, they get everywhere. You know, they just sort of like appear and they're, oh, they're horrible. They're horrible. I'm freaking out just't bear it. I just can't stand it. And they really, they get everywhere. You know, they just sort of like appear and they're, oh, they're horrible. They're horrible. I'm freaking out just talking about it.

It seems like there's a few days of the year where it's like damp and there's just slugs everywhere. Have you ever accidentally trod on a slug? I haven't, but I read something the other day. Somebody posted this thing on Twitter, which was the most like disgusting, revolting, horrifying, terrifying thing I have ever, ever. So she was doing some weeding in the garden,

and she said later on she felt something on her cheek, and a slug had clearly dropped into her hair, and she hadn't realised, and then it crawled on her cheek. And she was, like, trying to get it off, but you can't actually get them off because they're so liquidy. They kind of, like, shapeshift, as you'll think. And so she just said she just had, like, kind of smeared slug all down her face.

Oh, no. And I don't know how this woman has even been able to carry on with, like, normal life after that. OK, yeah, that's horrible. Yeah. I'd have to be sedated for, like, the rest of my life. So you wouldn't think about it. That's amazing.

Have you ever had to pick up a slug? No, I couldn't do it. Is it that bad? I seriously couldn't do it. How do you feel about snails? I don't like about it. That's amazing. Have you ever had to pick up a slug? No, I couldn't do it. Is it that bad? I seriously couldn't do it. How do you feel about snails? I don't like snails either. I really don't like snails. I mean, snails are slightly hidden because of their shells, but I just don't like all that sort of mollusk stuff. I don't like it at all. What about in food? Do you? No, I couldn't do it. I don't like it. I really don't like it. Your face is recoiling with horror recoiling i know i can't speak you want me to stop talking about it i'd be like okay okay so slugs yeah and an island overrun with slugs come

on for the rest of your life that would be so awful disgusting asia thank you so much for coming in oh it's been such a pleasure i've had such a fun time although i do feel a bit traumatized now i know yeah sometimes people need to go and take a minute after this i think um what are you doing at the minute so i'm quite busy i've just come back from the edinburgh festival and um i did a new stand-up show called girl on girl and it's all about sort of where the me too movement goes next and feminism and it's about women fighting each other on feminism so that's called girl Girl. I'm doing a national tour, and I'm going to be at the Soho Theatre from the 22nd of October. So do please come and see me.

And I'm also promoting a book that I've written with a chap called Tom Hamilton. It's called Punch and Judy Politics, and it's a sort of history and a behind-the-scenes look at how political leaders do prime ministers questions okay and where can people get it where can they can get it in bookshops and online um i think it's available at most places but punch and judy politics amazing okay i have to give it a read thanks and if people want to find you on social media where can they find you

they can find me at aisha hazarika but please only send me nice things and don't send me abuse whether you're on the left or the right of politics don't at me if it's horrible please okay well thank you so much for coming in i really appreciate it pleasure Bye.