Desert Island Dicks - BEARDYMAN

Episode Date: October 18, 2020

Musician and beatboxer extraordinaire Darren Foreman, better known as Beardyman, joins Dan to discuss all that is frightful and wrong, and who and what would be the worst people and things to be stuck with on a desert island. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, standing in my kitchen where my fridge is making a noise and you might well hear some traffic go by, but it doesn't matter. Today we've got Beardy Man on the show, who is a very silly man, but in a good way, so it was a pleasure to chat to him. We've got some history as you'll hear in due course, and there was a slight bit of miscommunication before we recorded, which meant he'd chosen a list of 20 people to put on the island, but nothing else. But we had a chat and sorted it out so you can hear

him adapt to the traditional format with ease if you want to have your say on who or what you think are dicks now you can on compact dicks which we record and release every week in addition to this podcast it's your time to shine so let us know who and what annoys the crap out of you at dickspod.com slash contact and we could include yours in the next episode or you can get in touch with us on twitter or instagram at dixpod or if you prefer to listen to other people rant on and on and on then there are plenty more of these in our back catalogue so why not roll up your sleeves close your eyes and grab a dick at random if you like this please subscribe and give us a rating or a review

and that's about all I can think of to say right now so here's Desert Island Dicks with Beardy Man. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is musician and beatboxer Darren Foreman, better known as Beardy Man. How are you doing?

I'm fine. How are you? I am very well also. Thank you for joining us today. We're both lying. We're just lying. It's 2020. It's a criminal offence to be fine, or at least it's rude. Like if someone says, how are you? And you go, yeah, great. Fuck you. Do you know what I mean? Like at least acknowledge that this shit is fucked up. This is a bad year. It a bad year it's not a good year don't say you're fine you've got to go surviving that's the only polite response to that question so yeah i'm surviving that's fair i find myself wishing for a time do you remember 2016 when we thought it was really bad just because there was some horse meat and lasagna and we're like oh my god this is such a bleak year charlie brooker's news wipe is going to be

so depressing this year and and like every year it's just got worse and worse and worse i would happily eat horse meat lasagna for a week if if i could go back to that year i thought it was great man i had those ikea meatballs that that controversy was all about were really tasty i mean if if i used to be sort of vegetarian and then one day i was like, it's already dead. Eat it. Which is like, that's going to annoy loads of vegetarians. And I really am sorry. But I'm hungry and it's there.

And I'm part of the problem. I'm part of the problem. Yeah, I think I should put myself in this list of terrible people. But before we start listing terrible people, can I just say, I haven't actually done that much prep for this because like the only reason why i've said yes to this is because i've known you for 20 years and it's really good to have a catch-up and because of lockdown and me being 38 years old and married with three kids the only chance i actually get to catch up with friends is if i agree to go on their podcasts yeah and then i can earmark the

time so here we are that's that's the only reason i started this podcast so i can just sit on my own sit on my own for a little while and complain loudly. And to different people so they don't stop me after a while. Because all my other friends, they're just used to it. So I've had to find new guests. I've got to say one thing as well. I've got to talk about Bengate. This is big.

I was listening to some of the episodes of this show in preparation for this. And I was like, there was someone like, somehow it came up that like people often call you Ben. And Ben isn't your name. Your name's Dan. But your surname is Benedictus. And the last time I actually saw you in the flesh, I think it was like it was my 30th birthday. And I was ugly drunk, so drunk, so disgracefully drunk.

And you came in and I introduced you to somebody as Ben. And I fucking hadn't even introduced you to somebody as Ben. And I fucking hadn't even reached out to you for ages because of the deep shame of having done that has haunted me to my fucking core. I was like, he hates me. He hates me now because I used the wrong name. And that's funny to hear you say that lots of people call you Ben. I was like, why the fuck is that? That's fascinating. And I've thought about it. And I think I know why, man. It's because Dan is a name, which lots of people have, but Benedictus makes you sound like some sort of Roman warrior.

It really sticks in the mind. So, like, drunk people would be like, and the Benedictus bit just stands out to them, and then they're too drunk to complete the word. And they go, Ben. And I think that's what I did. So I'm sorry, but I had to address that from the top, man. Your name's fucking Dan.

I want to make things better by saying that I haven't been thinking about that every day for the last eight years I want to say that but of course that would be a lie I have I've that's why we haven't been in touch you know I've just been watching you from afar seeing your your your videos I'm like damn it um no fucking called me Ben when he was out of his fucking mind i was so drunk though the weird thing is even even people who don't know my surname end up calling me ben so i think that's so yeah i think it's just my face you've just got a benny face a little benny face lovely benny face you exude benness yeah you know somebody's got to these days, eh? Maybe you're like a reborn soul from a different life. A different Ben.

Yeah. A Ben searching for meaning. Yeah. That's deep. Yeah. But enough about me and Ben. Darren, how have you found the process of whittling down your choices for this week on the island? I've not enjoyed it. It's felt overly negative. And I try not to think about things

I hate more than I have to. Because I like everyone have Twitter and I'm inundated with terrible things. All I have to do is move my thumb and the feeling of doom increases slightly. And so yeah, I like those are my little you know time windows to really ruminate on everything that's wrong with the world and then i put my phone back in my pocket and the horror subsides momentarily but now i've had to really fucking drill down on it and actually it's kind of felt cathartic in a way yeah i mean i think at least it's like your own hate and feelings that you're getting rid of it's not like you're reading other people just hating each other that's something maybe you know in this sort of tiny increments of hate and what's better than

other types of hate i think this is maybe slightly more constructive but uh yeah so increments of hate that sounds like a band metal maybe some like death metal album or something something yeah fucking it's not it's the first line of a metal song that you can't hear because it's a fucking couch and distortion that's what it is you can't hear it i couldn't have put it better you got to read the liner notes yeah man um So we had a little discussion earlier and you alluded to the fact that maybe partly because of my vague instructions, you've found it difficult to sort of pin down exactly who you want to put on the island. I'm going to ask you for three individuals specifically. Well, I'm going to give you more than that because there's cunts everywhere. So, I mean, yeah. Am I allowed to swear on this?

Yes. Fucking great. so I mean yeah am I allowed to swear on this yes fucking great alright listen it's really hard to choose because there are so many terrible terrible people but they're all quite similar I was kind of thinking

I don't want to go for the obvious people these sort of horrible demons that are running our world these sort of right wing populists but then I was like no I hate them

and I wouldn't want to be on an island with them but it's not because i'd be resentful of their sort of political choices or the things they campaign for and all the damage i perceive them to have done it's because i think they'd genuinely be useless on a fucking island and they'd sort of sit conspiratorially and form little groups and and end up chanting kill the pig, drink its blood. Because I feel like the kind of people that you want to be stuck on an island with, if it was a choice between this new breed of sort of a conspiratorial, populist, right-wing, sort of libertarian-leaning lunatic

that is currently in control of the political landscape, like if you're stuck on an island with them, if there's a choice between them and socialists on the other hand, like the other end of the political spectrum, as annoying as you might find both ends of that spectrum, I would go for the left-wing types to be stuck on an island with every time because I've been to kibbutzes in Israel. And whatever you think about Israel,

I mean, I'm not a fan of any of the decisions that it's made recently, but you go to a kibbutz and you see a kind of socialist paradise where everyone has kind of shared ownership of the resources that are grown there and made there and the whole thing is never more than like 100 people and it operates as a family. And so things are shared. There'll probably be some people listening to this that are thinking, ah, Israel, ah, socialism. But like, maybe not the same people. But I don't know. Yeah, I'm not endorsing like

anything about Israel by saying this. It's just that there are these things called kibbutzes. And they're typical of these kind of small communities where that's just my experience of it. I've never been to sort of other sort of small, you know, collectivist communities, but there are lots of them. But in that example that I have personal experience of it worked just fine and they've been working just fine as these kind of isolated uh little sort of basically little communist communities they've been working fine for like 50 years like so yeah that yeah so i i yeah i don't think if if a community was gonna exist on a little island you'd want people, it wouldn't even have to be like, you know, communists.

It would just be people. Or just people who didn't think they were part of a master race would be a good starting point. Yeah. You'd want to be stuck with Bear Grylls for his survival skills. Joe Rogan, because he's a G and he can hunt and all that kind of stuff. You know, Bruce Parry, these kind of people. These kind of rugged kind of stuff you know uh you know bruce parry these kind of people these kind of rugged sort of people who are like positive and helpful and they're not communist

it's just that like it takes a real can-do attitude and a real like sense of the idea that we are supposed to be at one with nature and that we have to you know on a tiny island there's limited resources it's a tiny little microcosm of what the world really is so like i think this will be a good exercise in figuring out exactly why it is that these right-wing populists are just in essence bad for the world okay so let's get started okay so i'm gonna pin you down now hopefully who's gonna be the first dick joining you on the island the first dick where i mean where to start so um i think uh i think mark francois will be a good place to start so yeah what do you know about mark francois well he's a he's a he's a chief brexiteer isn't he i

don't like the term brexiteer because it makes me makes him sound fancier than I think he is Like he should be carrying a scabbard with like an eye patch and be somehow sort of swashbuckling. In actual fact they're just boring sort of people in ties who are full of hatred for people they've never met And just talk about trade a lot

Shall I go into why? Yeah tell me why Shall I talk about why? Yeah you tell me why Because I really hate him Right so I could have chosen like Nigel Farage or Ann Willikam Shall I go into why? Yeah, tell me why. Shall I talk about why? Yeah, you tell me why. Because I really hate him. Right, so I could have chosen like Nigel Farage or Ann Willikam or any of these characters, but like he looks like an enchanted Brussels sprout or a day-old value-packed sausage roll wrapped in a Union Jack drawn by a racist five-year-old he's like

he's like a a pathetic human chode of a man he's like like a lukewarm cup of tea in a chipped saint george's cross mug that your stepdad got from a car boot sale in Southend in 1973 and the St George's Cross has kind of faded a bit. And listening to him talk is like drinking that cup of tea and finding there's bits of dipped digestive that fell in at the bottom. And then you go, and it's lukewarm and that's why I don't like him. Yeah, I think that's very succinctly put. Yeah, he's sort of someone who, I don't know, like at least if you're watching people on that side of things

and they're kind of arguing in their case, at least if they sound vaguely bright, then you kind of think, OK, well, that's your opinion. You've got an idea of what you want and you've argued it well. He just feels like he's the equivalent of just one of those kids who would get beaten up, but he's holding the bully's coat. So that grants him kind of sanctuary. Do you know what I mean? He's one of those like, well, I've got a theory about him. I've got a theory about him, which is to do with bullying. I think he was bullied as a child because he's short and

he's got an annoying face. He's got an annoying voice. You just know that in school he rallied behind the bullies because he had no choice but to do it I just see it in his eyes and the way he speaks but also his name's

Marc Francois which is a very Europe-y sounding name so for someone to be such a rabid you know ERG Brexiteer and if you don't know

ERG is the European Research Group which is this like faction within the Tories which is a really strongly Eurosceptic. And it's those guys who've engineered Brexit. And this guy,

he doesn't have any substantive arguments other than, oh, I hate the European Union. Meh. And like, I reckon that in school, everyone was like,

ha ha, Francois, I'm not Francois. Are you French? And I reckon he was like, I'm not fucking French. I'm not French. I'm Britishis, you French. And I reckon he was like, I'm not fucking French, I'm not French, I'm British, I'm British. Also, his dad,

who he's always talking about, who fought in the war, he's always referencing, because he thinks the war's still happening, and the only way we'll win it is by leaving Europe. He genuinely seems to think that. Like, his mum is from Italy, and she moved to the UK in the 1950s to work as an au pair.

So his middle name's Gino. So I fucking, I'm sure of it. I'm just convinced that, like, in school, we'd be like, ah, Gino, Francois, Gino. He's like, fuck off! I'm fucking English! I'll show you all! I'll fucking show you!

I reckon that's why we have this dickhead. Do you know what he fucking did? If you haven't seen it, you might have seen it. It went kind of viral. The head of Airbus got, like, sat down and wrote a letter to the UK

and to all the employees of Airbus being like, listen, if you do a no-deal Brexit, we're going to leave our business interests in the UK and move somewhere else

because it will be economically unviable for us to do so. It wasn't a partisan move. It was just like, look, we're a business. Like, if shit gets more expensive we're gonna take our shit elsewhere and like and it was politely worded it wasn't like a threat mark francois gets up on on some

bbc interview and i believe his words were hang on i wrote this shit down because i still can't believe he fucking said it it's that petting but he he goes he goes my father was a d-day veteran he never submitted to bullying by any German. Neither will his son. And ripped up a copy that he'd printed out of the agreement. It's not bullying, though. It's just saying we're a massive business and we have money at the heart of every interest.

That's all it is. So, yeah, if you make it more tricky and expensive for us, we'll fuck off somewhere. And I just think the whole thing of of like, you know, fair enough. If you fought in the war, you know, that must be fucking horrific. But at the same time, like I would imagine quite a lot of soldiers probably go, God, that was fucking horrible. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get along after this? You know, rather than, wouldn't it be better if we all, retreat into our separate factions and continue to fight against each other,

like, economically or by words, you know, if not in actual reality with bullets and fists? But so here's why it would be bad to be stuck on a desert island with him. Firstly, he's clearly a bit of a dick. But also, like, I think he'd be really unhelpful, like, in this whole sort of right-wing populist model. How would that dude help you when you're like, all right, our plane's crashed.

This is bad. There's bodies strewn all over the island. We're the only survivors. Let's bury the dead. He'd be like, nope, I'm not doing it. And fucking, like, he wouldn't do it unless there were drapes and a British flag. Like, any time, like, a rescue boat could be seen in the distance he'd be like no they're not from here fuck them i don't

want them on the island yeah it'd be helpful and i think as you say like the fact that you know he's got a his mom is italian and you know his surname is francois and you know he can sort of still be so blinkered against like the realities of his existence you know that's not going to help you that attitude on the island because whatever you say it doesn't matter if you're telling him that he'll always be able to tell you that black is white and vice versa and just be absolutely pig-headed about everything i think yeah you know yeah you couldn't trust him as far as you could throw him yeah i could probably throw him quite far he's really short quite round though isn't he's quite a sort of you could use him as ballast or like you could

use him as part of a trap you could use him as bait yeah to catch a boar yeah yeah yeah there you go he came out sort of like a cartoon sketch like when you said we were gonna catch dinner i didn't think you meant this way and then yeah yeah he'll be this kind of stooge yeah i think he's not gonna help and also like he's just someone who's i think his kind of politics will get into everything all the time even when it's like look we're not part of any fucking trade deal right now we're on our island you know just let it go mark and like well that's what i was trying to do with like shut up it's not about brexit anymore yeah yeah he'd be blaming you and the others for shit,

trying to, like, conspire. Yeah, but it's them. They did this. I was going to go and fetch that boar with the stick that I made and sharpened myself, but then the others came and stole some of my sticks, and they did. And you wouldn't...

That's what he'd be like. He wouldn't muck in. He'd, like, conspiratorialise from the sides. Yeah, I agree. He's not coming to my fucking island. Well, let me distract you by asking you to pick a second horrendous bastard to join you on the island with him from your list. Who are you going to pick?

Oh, man, it's a tough one. But I think because it's a story worth telling, I think Tony Blair. Okay. Yeah. it's a tough one but i think because it's a story worth telling i think tony blair okay yeah so yeah i mean before you even start on the face of it this is going to be interesting because straight away you've got like ex-labor leader and mark francois so like that's going to be awkward to begin with but elaborate you're right i hadn't thought that through they're gonna fucking they'll argue like in, that's who Marc Francois would

conspiratorial, although then again, like Tony Blair was kind of a Tory in disguise, wasn't he? So maybe they'd have a lot in common. But no,

Tony Blair's really, really anti-Brexit. But I suppose I could watch the mud wrestle for dominance. That would be quite fun. See who, like Marc Francois would be poking him

in the fucking eye. Tony Blair would be biting his bollocks. They'd just be like two Rottweilers going at it. And I'd be sort of just wanking from the side. No, listen, listen, right. Tony Blair is a bad man whose war I marched against

because I believed it and still believe it to be wrong. And I think history has proven me right. Like, yeah, he had lovely ideas when he came into power. Oh, we'll be kind of share the wealth kind of people and um drag everyone up by giving them money and funding things and and then he closed down loads of hospitals and everyone was like but you said

we were gonna he was like yeah shut up look a giant wheel by the thames to commemorate the millennium like oh that's fun but i went and then he closed even more hospitals. Then he went to war, like with George Bush, who was an insane idiot who was brought into power only by these sort of nepotistic sort of atavistic impulses. If you weren't there in 2001, there was this whole planes flying into buildings thing in America, which was really, really, really bad.

But it wasn't Afghanistan that did it. And despite that, George Bush went and invaded Afghanistan, like again, which was like, I think the 10th time that that had happened in this century. And then Iraq, which had arguably nothing to do with it at all. So essentially, it was a war for oil, like we said all along. But Tony Blair just sort of went along with it.

He was like, I think we'll just, yes, let less. I don't know why I just turned him into Richard Dawkins, but I don't know. They have similar voices.

Fuck it. He's a shit, a murderer, a kind of mass murderer, a war criminal. But despite that, I met him and he's really charming and um it was a really awkward experience because i was doing this thing like it was it was a uh an event for this like uh like investment fund thing like not investment fund no that's doing it to service there's a guy called vianod cosler who is himself a wealthy investor he was an early investor in like apple

and sun microsystems and all this kind of shit so he's like he's been in silicon valley from the very beginning he's worth like four billion which is chump change compared to the likes of um bezos and stuff but like that's a lot of fucking money and he invests in he invests in what he perceives to be good world-changing causes and one of those things that he'd invested in was the tony blair interfaith initiative which is this thing that tony blair is trying to do which is to kind of link all the faiths up which is on paper it's a really nice thing to do um you know it seems to have good aims but i can't help thinking that tony blair did that out of a sense of guilt that maybe he'd kind of torn the middle east into and destabilized everything so like um yeah uh i met him i sat down on the top table at this event i was just the entertainment i was just playing this fucking thing doing some like improvised music for all the people that vinod kosler had

invested in and it was a nice event. I was sitting next to Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter, which was mad. Talking about sci-fi with that geezer. Bill Gates was on the other table. A stone's throw away. And fucking Tony Blair was on my fucking table. I don't normally knock about

with people like this. This is not the kind of like, you know, the kind of story that like Noel Gallagher would tell where he always knocked about famous people I don't fucking meet these kind of people in my everyday life this is as weird as it would be if it was happening to anyone

and like I asked him like why I really wanted to ask him like why did you invade Iraq you child murdering cunt you've destabilized the whole of the Middle East

and the whole world by extension what the fuck is wrong with you what forces were you beholden to that convinced you that that would be a decent course of action how do you fucking sleep at night you utter utter utter cunt and then i should have got up and like sort of performed a citizen's arrest or stabbed him in the eye with a fork and run away but i would have got shot or put in guantanamo bay because his private security detail around the corner so i didn't do any of those things i just sort of nice and smiled. And we talked about these various sort of democratic instruments

that there are in direct democracies like Switzerland and stuff. That was interesting. Fucking talking about like political systems with a fucking mass murderer. And then like I did a song. Because, you know, I like make up comedy songs and shit on the spot. And I did one about, I was I was like right who's got a suggestion no one put their hand up because they didn't want to

like you know make a fool of themselves in front of the guy who's invested in their their business right but Tony Blair didn't give a fuck he put his hands up

actually no sorry it was after I prompted I was like come on Tony Blair you must have something you can suggest and he's like

I desire you and I was like what Tony Blair said I desire you so I was like what it's tony blair's said i desire you so i'm like right so i did a song about me and tony blair in some sort of homosexual love tryst i sort of told the whole story of our relationship and um it got quite graphic at points and then i managed to get a dig in like one of like drop the music out for a second and drop some line about how he started to dismantle the nhs and then brought the music out for a second and dropped some line about how he started to dismantle the NHS and then brought the music back in so I was like maybe I've sort of done

my job here without offending my benefactor, you know my patron here and then he comes up to me at the end and he starts shaking my hand and said what a good job I've done and people are taking pictures and I'm like I'm fucking shaking hands with a fucking murderer and I'm like oh yeah by the way thanks for Iraq mate and he's like what?

and I was like you heard and he's like well I've got your card and he walked away and I'm like, oh yeah, by the way, thanks for Iraq, mate. And he's like, what? And I was like, you heard. And he's like, well, I've got your card. And he walked away. And I was like, does that mean, what does that mean? What, you're going to invade me? Yeah. Has he invaded you yet? Has he invaded you?

I'd just done a song about invading his bum. He didn't, no. You know, he converted to Catholicism. No one converts to Catholicism. You just, that's not something you do unless you're just marrying into it or like, or you've just got loads of guilt. You know, maybe you've invaded a couple of countries

and destabilized the Middle East and the whole world by extension. And you're just, you just need to go to confession regularly. Like, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've invaded the Middle East. Oh, oh, that's well give me infinite Hail Marys and you'll be fine okay I think that's why so Rick but here's why I wouldn't want him on a fucking island because having met him he's quite charming and like sitting on this

table with him he was like you know he's like oh so what do you do and and me and the missus who was also sitting next to him uh she was like oh I work do you do and and me and the missus who was also sitting next to him uh she was like oh i work in comedy looking after comedians i'm like yeah i'm a performer he's like oh really i wanted to be a stand-up he's like i did some stand-up and i was like what he's like yes yes i did that was the most terrifying thing i've ever done more terrifying than prime minister's question time i'm like what the what the i was like so you're first and foremost a comedian are you huh yes so we're like getting on yeah And I'm like, what the, what the, I was like, so you're first and foremost a comedian, are you?

Ah, yes. So we're like getting on. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm fucking bantering with a fucking murderer who I literally marched against. And that's the problem.

Yeah. It's because I'd end up, he'd probably end up being quite useful on an island like that. He'd probably get sort of stuck in. He'd be quite good at sort of

easing any tensions that appear in the group. He'd probably be quite, sort of, quite amenable, quite likeable. But all the while, I'd be quite good at sort of easing any tensions that appear in the group he'd probably be quite sort of quite amenable quite likable but all the while i'd be thinking you're a fucking mass murderer you cunt the other thing is though as well now that you sort of met so you've got that i think you're right he he would be completely i think he would be charming like i remember when he was sort of stepping down for Gordon Brown and sort of you know

they're doing that kind of look back on his career and I was like oh maybe he was alright no wait no he wasn't fuck so you'd have that but also there'd be a bit

where like you'd just resigned yourself to it you're like okay I'm on the island with him fuck it look I mean we're just in this bubble we've all got to try and get along

we've all got to get along because otherwise we're going to get upset we've all invaded regions you know we've all got to try and get along. We've all got to get along because otherwise we're going to get upset. We've all invaded regions, you know. Yeah, we've all done it. We've all done it. We've all got things in our past. Yeah, we've all got a blot on our copybook somewhere.

But then, on top of all of that, there'll be one day the penny drops. What did you say you do again? You're a performer. And what is your name? Beardy Man. Beardy Man, yes. Beardy Man.

I know where I fucking met you before. I've still got your card. Do you know what it's like invading a country? Do you know what it's like? Do you know what it's like going to a dinner and having a little jibe from some bearded performer at the end of it when you're just trying to have a nice night? I can be at home with my kids.

How does he sleep at night? Honestly, it's mad. I think with everything like this, you just have to constantly tell yourself that you did the right thing over and over again, and then you believe it enough. Because you must have said it enough times. Oh, yeah, he said it publicly in interviews. And that was the thing that David Cameron,

who is also a contender for being put into this fucking mix like that's what he was always saying like like an angry parent he had this tone this like way of cocking his head to the side and sort of glaring his fucking eyes at you and sort of pointing his finger that made you feel like you're a child and you've done something bad and he's a parent and you deserve the talking to you're getting and you kind of you know cower yourself before him and lower your head and go yes yes father i have been bad. And he would constantly say, because I believe we're doing the right thing.

No, no, of course you're doing the right thing. Like, that's that get out that Tony Blair would always use, David Cameron's always used. And I don't know if that's a uniquely British thing, but it's definitely a sort of authoritarian thing to say. To say without any qualification, we're doing the right thing. The new thing now

is for these sort of populist dickheads like in the Trump mold, which Matt Hancock patheticly tried his hand at in Parliament the other day, where they attack back, where someone asked him

a perfectly legitimate question about, someone asked Matt Hancock in Parliament the other day, a perfectly legitimate question about why the track and trace system isn't working and the fucking virus

is running rampant again. And he's like, I think the people are doing, the people involved in the NHS are doing a fantastic job and how dare you insult them. And I just won't have this kind of division. I won't have it. And sat down. And I was like, motherfucker, you don't get to say that. You don't get to just say,

and I shan't answer your question because you're being very rude. That's not a defence. That's just you being a dick. Yeah, I know, because nothing would get done if we just said, well, that's a bit rude and sat down yeah like you're sitting around the circle on the island right it will all sit around the fire and your resources are drained you've made like a uh a little hole uh and you put palm leaves over it and that is basically your sort of your chiller cabinet you've got food in, enough grain and vegetables to last another 10 days.

But the crops have just failed on the little agrarian part of the island. So you're sitting down, you're going to have a talk about what to do. If someone brings up a valid point, you don't want fucking someone like Matt Hancock sitting around there

or Mark Francois or one of these cunts sitting there being like, well, that's a very rude question. It's a rude question. And I think you should respect the work that we're all doing. It doesn't help. It doesn't help. it doesn't help it doesn't help it doesn't

help from a pragmatic perspective being a contrarian looking to blame is entirely unhelpful and will drive us backwards and cause us to destroy the fucking planet and it's as simple as that well there you fucking go mate well unfortunately for you I think I was tremendous a lot of people are saying it was the best selection possible well I think it is a good selection in that yeah it's going to be fucking horrendous for you

so I mean you've got a mix of left and right but both of them sort of well the left blurs into the right on occasion the right is very right and so they're going to argue constantly and you're also going to argue it's not like you're you're taking a left-wing stance but there's someone who was in the labor party so maybe you'll get along because you're still not going to get along with him so basically you're fucked you're fucked and can we add one

more person in there with you who would who's going to be the cherry on this shitty cake could put melania in because eventually the isolation and sexual tension would be so much that you'd end up having sex and you'd know you were getting donnie sloppy seconds but i don't think that is a wise choice um because, fuck it, I don't know. I think the one that I really want to put in is Morrissey. I think he'd be one of the worst people to be stuck with. Because he's another one of these kind of useless, complainy types that sort of blames people

and he feels like a victim all the time. But like, I always kind of liked him because I thought he was joking. And recently it's become very apparent that he was never being ironic in any of the songs he wrote. He really is a sort of jealous, twatty, vainglorious cunt who is kind of well racist. And he's sort of very prone

to these kind of artistic hissy fits. He has really controversial opinions just for the sake of it. And also I could never really escape just how let down I am by him because I really did like the Smiths a lot. And now I can't like them anymore, which is a pity.

So fuck him. It's a tricky one with him, isn't it? It's like, yeah, because so much of his sort of lyrics and stuff is just kind of like, I'm very miserable, everything is shit. And you kind of think he's joking, but actually... And that is how.

It's with the minor third. I'm very miserable, everything is shit. It's people's fault apart from me oh that's yeah a smith song that's a valid smith song and the only way you can write stuff like that is being sort of tongue-in-cheek or the most self-important bastard in the world you know and and also you know he's sort of he'd like one of his excuses for being quite right wing and sort of being quite in with ukip and people was like, well, they have the best stance on animal welfare because he's, you know, obviously so anti meat eating and things like that. And you're like, well, but I mean, no, wait, no, wait, that's a, that's a crap reason.

And I think on the desert, in a situation where you have to eat everything to survive and all sort of all of your principles go out of the window he's still going to give you a fucking hard time for eating a fish he really would he really fucking would wouldn't he i hadn't even thought of that with his dying breath his dying breath will be a criticism you'd finally get that boar and you'd have it on a spike finally

none of you are going to starve but maybe then Morrissey would just die so maybe it would be fine you know but I think he I mean

can I just make it clear I'm not calling for his death I'm just saying were he on a desert island and all there was to eat was meat and that would be that would save us and Morrissey would starve to death i'm just saying that's a thing that would

happen but i wish him a long and successful life being a miserable racist on his own cancelled as to fuck but doesn't he like i think if you go to one of his gigs, he'll show like a 20-minute video on factory farming instead of a support act. I think that's what happened. Did you make that up? Was that a hilarious joke? No, I think that's true. I've spoke to people who've been,

I don't know if he does it every one, but I know people who have been to concerts and instead of a support act, that's what you get. And it's like loads of chickens being thrown into bins and stuff and then they're just like well i'll just go to the bar doing that bit or something i mean he's got a point i i think vegetarianism is something we should all do in principle absolutely agree with that i don't i have nothing against morrissey's vegetarianism no but if you were the racism i don't like i don't like like hitler was a vegetarian wasn't he yeah yeah and also a

bit racist a little bit racist yeah yeah yeah yeah there you go um well maybe you should open up your shows in future with an anti-racism video for 20 minutes and one saying like fuck the animals maybe a bit not too much but racism bad i think you could put it in a more nuanced way than me that's what bono does i think that's what Bono does, doesn't he? He thinks that every concert is Live Aid. I've never been to a U2 concert, this is what I've heard. But right, so Morrissey, Marc Francois

and Tony Blair. This is a strong start, Darren, for your island. I think there's no... It sucks already. Yeah, I mean, I think the only comfort is going to be that Tony Blair could be quite charming. But at the same time, even when you're getting on with him, you're going to hate yourself a bit because of what you've said before. So, you know, the best that can come out of it is that you feel shit about yourself.

And the worst is that you're just having a fucking horrible time. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com okay well look we're going to-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Okay, well, look, we're going to move on from people a little bit, because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Well, phasalis berries are horrible to me. Some people might like them, but when we were just talking before we started recording, you indicated that you also find them disgusting. So it isn't just me. No. Okay.

So for people who don't know what they are, I always thought they were called physalis, which sounds like a syphilis. Yeah, maybe they are. I don't know. I've never had to say it out loud. I don't know. But they are those,

I think a lot of people think they're kumquats they're the tiny thing you often get them on desserts in restaurants with the leaves these brown leaves left on they're sort of

orange cherry shaped fruit yeah like a tiny little it's like a large orange bean or a tiny orange orange

with paper with a waxy surface yeah and papery leaves and they look good as garnishes because they look very tropical do you know what I mean they look good as garnishes because they look very tropical.

Do you know what I mean? They look sort of special. You're like, what the fuck is that? How exotic. This must be a delicious dessert because it's got something I don't understand on it. And then you bite into it and it's like, it tastes rotten. And at first, when I first tried one, I was like, this is clearly a piece of rotten fruit. So I put it to one side and thought,

that was fucking horrible. One of the most instinctually disgusting things I've ever put in my mouth. I'm so glad it's not in my mouth anymore. Let me get a drink. It was that horrible. And then I tried another one, like on the next cream cake that I found one on,

like a year later or something. And I was like, maybe this one will be dope. And I was like, oh God, it's the same. This is just what they taste like. Yeah. But maybe they only taste like that to me and other people who have my same genetic, like, flaw. No, they're shit.

I think that the thing is about them, I feel like they are only grown for garnish. That's their only purpose. But they don't even look that pretty. They don't even look that nice. No, but they look interesting and strange. Like, there's not um do you know what i mean like i hate them so much you never see anything flavored with them it's never no no you don't that's got to be the giveaway hasn't it yeah if it was like you know a lovely blend of kumquat fasalis and guava but

you've never seen it on a menu. You've only seen it on the side of your food and that's the giveaway that they're garnished. Is it like the Emperor's New Clothes? Have they been like a cream cake decoration for so long that it's like, well if you want to make a posh cream cake, it's got to have some fucking phasalis berries and everyone

takes it off and puts it to one side and I was the mug who thought it was food. Is that what it is? Maybe, but although I think some people might eat them because the only evidence i've got that people eat them apart from the fact that they're food and they're served on the side of food is that once uh i used to get one of those organic veg delivery boxes because i'm relentlessly middle class um when you get those boxes like you can they'll generally send you like i think you can specify what you want but you can like tick a box to just say bring me whatever's whatever you've got and you know i'll fill extra smug points because i'm like just eating seasonally

and it's better for the environment but the problem with that is like they'll just sort of give you like a selection of fruit so sometimes you might get two apples and sometimes you might get a whole bag of apples. And sometimes it'll be a bit left field. And once, one week, our entire fruit quota from the box was a fucking punnet of those berries. And I was like, why are you even growing these things? Why are they in my stupid veg box? End the tyranny of physalis berries.

They're not nice. Stop. Did you eat any of them just to see? No, because I was like, I know what they taste like. They're shit. And that was all my fruit

for the week. And now I've got to go to the big supermarket and buy loads of stuff wrapped in plastic again so I can have some nice fruit. Like, why did any farmer do that? They are so disgusting. I'm so glad it's not just me because

i've got a cousin who can't eat uh coriander without it tasting like someone's like injected her with soap like it's you know which is like a genetic thing some people have this like aversion to these particular flavors maybe we both share that gene. Maybe there are people. Write in. Leave a comment. At me on Twitter. Do you like phrasalis berries? Maybe it's a grand conspiracy

and no one likes them. If so, let's eradicate them from the face of the earth like fucking polio. Let's get rid of them. They've got no place on this earth. Yeah, exactly.

Because all of this time and money spent making those, we could be growing other crops for people that are hungry just imagine that yeah just start an initiative this could be cherries cherries that are like good for salas for salas are evil cherries delicious cherries yeah delicious tasty sweet cherries yeah yeah yeah well good call on that yeah that's a good call oh imagine if that was the only fucking fruit crop on the island. Oh, God.

You're like, oh, God, this is where they come from. And you're stuck with Tony Blair and physalis berries. Oh, I hate this. Yeah, Mark Maxwell keeps eating the leaves by mistake. It's a bit papery. Yeah, well, I mean, you did put, it sounds like Nigel Farage in that version, you did put, if Alex Jones was there,

he'd be convinced that you planted the fucking facades berries. Like, yeah, Mark Francois would be hoarding them for all of himself, even though they're disgusting. Tony Blair would be trying to make peace, but he'd end up like killing one of us. Say it was an accident,

then fucking say a million Hail Marys just to try and make himself feel better as he weeps into a pool of his own ejaculate. Okay. Well, talking of... No, I can't link this at all. But what would you try and do? I don't know why I put ejaculate in there.

I assume he's just a bit of a wanker, isn't he? So he'd probably just be sort of continuously... Let's move on. Let's move on. We'll move on. I didn't say that. I was going to go for something like talking of liquids. What would you wash that down with no i thought it was too disgusting what would your drink choice be right um i don't like ale i think it's horrible and i know that some people get really kind of uh sorry i was momentarily distracted by the sound of screaming

because i have children so i'm often surrounded by, which only a parent will understand. And hostages and parents are people surrounded by constant screaming. Yeah, ale is horrible. It tastes like old men's shoes or the underwear of a person who's been homeless for several years. I imagine I've never tasted that, but that's the kind of vibe that I get with ale. It's really fucking disgusting. It's not that different to Fasalis berries, if I'm honest.

It's like, at least lager's fizzy. So you can sort of go, hmm, that's titivating on my tongue. But then with ale, and it's served warm as well, because it's like this old school peasant drink. And it's like, yeah, this is the real deal. It's just some fucking grain that's been left out. But I'm not down with it. Like like wine i really like wine is that so bad like call me what you like i really like drinking wine i quite like beer on a cold day but ale it's

like gym socks and and sort of old libraries and why would you drink that it's not a nice taste yeah i see i accidentally got some the other day because i've got a thing that there's a good pub And why would you drink that? It's not a nice taste. Yeah, I... See, I accidentally got some the other day because I've got a thing that... There's a good pub down the road from me that sells lots of pretentious hipster beers, which, as a pretentious twat, I quite like. Hipster beers are nice, but it's like...

It's kind of like... It's that zesty... You've got that whole... It sort of tastes like nettles and weed. It's that whole kind of like skunk piss kind of zestiness with the hops. Ale doesn't have that fuck ale my thing is these days i go down to the pub on a friday and i buy a load of cans to take away and i come back with them and they've got a massive fridge full of these lovely cans that look like they're all designed by sort of people who were graphic

designers and then started micro breweries that kind of vibe and because of the pandemic uh i feel bad taking them out and having a read of the can before i pick them up do you know what i mean so sometimes i'm like oh i like this one this one this one oh i'll try a couple of new ones that one has a nice label and they're always really hard to find any information on them because the labels are so bright and snazzy i'm like what is this one this one? Well, it's probably like a fruity IPA like the others, but I can't take it out and touch it and put it back in. Do you know what I mean? That feels, I don't know what the pandemic rules are. That feels a bit, you shouldn't pick stuff up and put it back.

So I put a few of these in my bag and then I got home and they're fucking ales. And I was like, ah, but you had the pretentious branding you're not supposed to if it wasn't like a picture of a man on a horse with a fox and a rifle then I would know what I was getting but this was like

I had pictures of spacemen on it and I wasn't expecting ale which is this kind of old man's drink it's like a like I can get with with with like guinness that's that's dope that's sort of its own thing though isn't it it is its own thing what's it even called i forgot the word for it stout stouts dope i like a stout man that's it's malty it's got like a proper like sort of chocolatey tang it's got this like coffee like intensity to it it's delicious

it's got this like creamy head it's dark it's like a meal it's fucking good um ale can just fuck off it's like piss it's like warm piss it's warm piss i don't i don't want it in my body i imagine if you had a load of ale on the island mark francois is going to be like a pig in shit and he'll be drinking it. He'll be half pissed, singing the fucking English national anthem on his pile of

phasalis berries. Yeah, and I'll be sitting there being like, I wish I liked it. I'll probably drink it just to drink my sorrows away. Yeah, I hate this. I hate this so much.

Fuck you for making me do this. I hate this. I'm going you for making me do this. I hate this. I'm going to have nightmares. You're welcome. This is for calling me Ben once. I think we're even now. But I've got to do... There's another category to go, isn't there?

Oh, fuck. We've got a couple more, I'm afraid. Fine. Fine. Darren, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite song of all time and the other is your least favorite film what are they and why um crazy frog axel f remix is probably the worst song ever at least for me it is

to the extent that when I told you it was going to be that I also asked you if that was not like a really common one and you said no, no one's ever chosen it

and I find that baffling and you said that that was a common experience for people trying to choose their worst song they assume it will be universally hated and in actual fact it says

I think it's because my kids started to like it a lot and assume that it will be universally hated. And in actual fact, it says, I think it's because my kids started to like it a lot and demand that it was played in the car. And I didn't like it. I was kind of ambivalent to it because I was like, well, this song doesn't affect my life in any meaningful way. I'll let this terrible, crazy frog-infused remix of Axl F exist because, you know, why the hell not?

Let them have their little marketing gambit. But now it's like in my life, in my car, being played at maximum volume. Fucking, you know, Axl F is fucking, how does it even go? I think my mind's blocked it the fuck out. It's the Eddie Murphy fucking Beverly Hills thing. Which is, that's a cool tune, you know. But that's a sort of early piece of iconic synth pop but then crazy frog which was this sort of meme before memes were memes he was it started off as

a comic ringtone when ringtones were big in the game before there were smartphones yeah and they were advertised on telly advertised on ringtones advertised on telly yeah constantly because it was big business because they were all a scam you'd stay on this line for uh minute after minute with like you know one pound fifty a minute being charged just so you could download a ringtone and then you get charged for the data as well so it was a whole fucking scam uh and they would advertise the crazy frog and it became this like self-generated meme um much in the way that donald trump's become president it became a kind of popular but annoying thing that no one could escape in like 2003 or 2004,

I don't know what the fuck it was. Anyway, so it started to release music as an entity and because it couldn't make any music of its own because it's not a real thing, it just kind of, you know, went... So the actual crazy folk is like... It's like it's a guy who was recorded doing a shitty impression of a moped.

Yeah. And then it was sped up and then they made it into a ringtone. And oh God, it was annoying. For like a few years, it was everywhere and annoying. And like, then they released music. And so that sort of ba-ba-ba-ding-ding thing ended up being ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ding-ding-ba-ba,

which is just ten times more annoying anyway yes I hate it I don't want it I don't want to listen to it it sucks it's everything that's bad about music it's everything that's bad about the world where like

yeah it's got it all scams sort of populist self generating mimetic horror like poor CGI even if you want to put that in there scams, sort of populist self-generating mimetic horror, like poor CGI, even, if you want to put that in there. Like, yeah, the kind of sort of nascent technology of 2004, which was just an annoying thing to have to use, like WAP browsing was just shit.

Nobody used it. Yeah, spending ages on your phone, like downloading a logo to your phone. It was bullshit. It was bullshit. And also it predicted the sort of Instagram horror show that is our black mirror reality now and we sort of could kind of see it coming but it was also annoying it didn't work properly so it was that and also like who was it that said sir the this is both good and original however the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good that's fucking this crazy frog thing although actually no it's not that because all of it's bad it's just all bad fuck it fuck it i think yeah i mean there's a lot of angry now

a lot of times a song that gets chosen you can kind of think well maybe on some level i'd learn to love it but that's not it's so far from even being an actual song that it's like it's yeah i mean it's impossible to listen to without the construct of what it is being the primary thing in your mind and you can't listen to it as like i think maybe you'd you'd come to listen to it as a piece of art and sort of be able to stand back from it objectively and it would remind you comfortingly of the old world, the world that you knew where such things weren't, you know, that was the biggest problem you had then, was that the crazy frog was annoying.

Now you're marooned on a desert island with nothing but facades and berries and Mark Francois. I like the idea of you just constantly having to explain it to Mark Francois or whoever else. Look, for the last time, it was a frog. Yeah? And there was a ringtone. Fucking Marc Francois

looks like the fucking crazy frog. Nightmare. I wouldn't be able to separate the two in my mind. I'd fucking start having like fever dreams of Marc Francois with his tiny little pixelated...

That's the other thing as well. He had this pixelated penis. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant Marc Francois for a minute. No. What the fuck? In my nightmarish visions, Marc Francois wouldated penis. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant Marc Francois for a minute. I was like, what the fuck? In my nightmarish visions,

Marc Francois would have the crazy frog's bizarre, inexplicable pixelated penis. Oh, we should move on, because I'm just feeling so angry and sad. I just got the idea of him just going, but why was there an advert for a ringtone? I don't understand. Look, for the last time.

I reckon Marc Francois would want to bring it back. That's the kind of person he is. Because it was a British frog with a pixelated penis that was fucking reappropriating perfect synth pop. Oh, God. Well, let me distract you. What would your film choice be? Let me see.

What did I write down? Oh, I didn't even put one. Let's think. You said Trolls. Oh, I did. uh let me see what did i wrote down oh i didn't even put one let's think um you said uh trolls oh i did wait of course i did yeah rango and rango okay it's rango um yeah like trolls is like i think objectively like a bad film because like if you're an art critic looking at trolls you'd probably like it because as a as a piece of art to stand back from and observe as a kind of comment on the society that it comes from it's a fascinating thing because it's full of you know memes and references to the world and it's so eye-bleed because it has to stand out against the background of like short form YouTube videos

and social media and that kind of hyper attention deficit that kids have now because of the media world that they live in. And Trolls manages to stand out in that environment. But that's not the point. You shouldn't do that

if you're making art. You should draw people in and then gently take them on a kind of journey. If you try to compete with everything at the same time, it's a bit like drowning in candy floss while people throw micro machine toys at your face and pour M&Ms into your eyes that have been like peeled open like in Clockwork Orange

and they're fucking just injecting you with hundreds and thousands it's so colorful and offensive and annoying so that's trolls maybe maybe maybe trolls annoys me more than rango i mean that's a perfect description of what it's like to watch trolls that's like absolutely perfect and i can see that you've you've formed that from from extensive experience with no i only saw 10 minutes of the fucking thing and i was like i can't deal with it anymore in my brain i need to leave the room and i left the room it's hard isn't it with kids though like you sort of and it's same with this goes back to that crazy frog thing as well it's like you want to be supportive

of everything that they like and you want to give them opportunity you know because you're like if you like this shit then i can't stop you because there's probably stuff I play that you don't like. And there's got to be balance. But there's this bit at the corner of your head, like at the back of your mind, every time you put something else on, you're like, oh, I hope this is good. So that because I know I'm going to have to watch it on repeat. So whatever you fall in love with now. Yeah. And occasionally they'll fall in love with something wonderful, like something from Studio Ghibli or something where it bears repeated viewing it's a valid piece of art

it's beautifully done but then sometimes they'll like something like Trolls and you're like oh no that's part of my life now fuck

actually the worst one for that is In the Night Garden oh that's bad it's just like a fever dream where there's no like sense of scale that can really ground the

world that it is in anything tangible so it feels like having a temperature for me it's just it's funny you describe it like that because when i first saw telly tubbies was when um i was off school with the flu and i'd fallen asleep i fell asleep on the sofa and i woke up and the telly was still on and it was like you know the baby in the sun and flu and i'd fallen asleep i fell asleep on the sofa and i woke up and the telly was still on and it was like you know the baby in the sun and everything and i genuinely got quite i still find it really freaky because of that and it's and it's the same and i think that in the night garden is is worse worse than that well as similar to that is the one that i guess it's got to be trolls because it's probably the worst thing of all time but like rango i was going to put in

there it's a it's like a Johnny Depp movie and when Johnny Depp's in a movie these days he plays the same sort of character it's like um Hunter Hunter S Thompson sort of tripping that he is whatever the film plot is like yeah yeah so like Pirates of the Caribbean I can't help but see it as like you know it's Hunter S Thompson thinking he's a pirate and on some fucking trip he's on and like but Rango is that it's like johnny depp being johnny depp but this time johnny depp is a uh a chameleon that is stuck in the desert because his owners dropped the cage out the car and the fucking the glass to the to the tank he was in smashes and then all the water immediately dries up and then the whole film is like it's this whole

fucking weird psychedelic journey but like water keeps drying up. That's like a thing in the film and it's a bit like Ren and Stimpy when they have those deliberate gross out moments. So it's like crash zooms into the inside of an ear with like earwax and veins and like hairs and shit. The whole film is like that and it's sort of like pools of water drying up

and people with parched throats going, like the whole film. And I think I had like a slight fever when I saw that as well and was in like a bad mood for some reason pools of water drying up and people with parched throats going like the whole film and i think i had like a slight fever when i saw that as well and was in like a bad mood for some reason and i was just like i i hate this film so much in a way that i can't even describe so yeah be a toss up between rango and fucking trolls i think though we tried watching rango again uh i think i tried watching it ages ago with my son and thinking, oh, this could be good.

I think it got panned, but I don't know. It might be all right. And then watching it and just going, this is a bit off key, a bit weird. Yeah. And saying it doesn't sit right. And then forgetting that and then putting it on again this weekend.

He was like, I want that one with the lizard. And I'm like, okay. And it's just like, but it's not sort of funny. It's not entertaining. It's kind of... No, it's just like but it's it's not sort of funny it's not entertaining it's kind of no it's just unpleasant it's really unpleasant again it's kind of dark it's not you know it is for kids but it's not really for kids it's not it is the of movies yeah it's it's there it's it looks sort of appealing then you get into it and you're like oh god why would anyone put this here? I hate it.

Yeah, and it's kind of in the Wild West. There are all these kind of like weird old sort of like dusty animals that are like, you know, like a really old armadillo with whiskers going, hey, you ain't from around here, boy. The whole thing is that. There's no relief. And also, because of the way that Johnny Depp does his actings, he sort of mumbles everything

and the fact is you can't really make out the dialogue so you spend the whole time going what did he just say and then a puddle dries up and then someone goes and then he sheds

there's this like effect where like every time he doesn't get water he sheds a layer of skin and it comes off him as dust and his tongue goes weird and he changes colour and shivers

and you're like oh god this is what it's like when you're really ill I hate this so much yeah this is what it's like when you're really ill i hate this so much yeah there you go it's horrendous also it's something that you kind of think this could probably be a good film it must have cost a fortune and you know it's like it looks really nice you know it's like nicely animated and like but it's yeah it's it's fucking shit it's really

frustrating um you just i i pin so much energy on films for my son. You know, when you go, this could be like my next hour and a half of peace or it could be an absolute nightmare. And when they're good, you're like, I can enjoy this too and I will happily put it on for you. You know, like I was very surprised

by the Angry Birds movie. That shouldn't be good. Was it good? That's like was it good that's like it's surprisingly good it can stand up to like you know pixar films and it's like but this is a film based on a it's like a crazy frog thing but the good version is like this is a film based on a game for a phone this shouldn't be good you never know it depends who's behind it hey man yeah that's my son

who's subjected me to the trolls movie one second that was yeah that was my son he just I just told him

what I was doing I was like I'm doing a podcast where grown-ups rant about things they don't like and he's like why

why indeed because grown-ups are just like that they hate things grown-ups hate just like that they they they hate things growing up because daddy's very tired daddy's filled with rage impotent burning rage no um where were we things that suck well i think we've covered off the film choices now so finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why well maybe it's a bit of a trite offering but spiders um they're useful in nature for eating the things

they eat and as part of an ecosystem they form a valid part of that ecosystem they're an ancient primal form but they're fucking horrible and i don't like them and i don't want them on my fucking island i'd like to be on one of those islands but like New Zealand for example is an island without any venomous spiders. Australia, a mere fucking what is it like a thousand miles away or something is like the nearest thing but that's like they've got all the dangerous spiders and it sucks.

You know. New Zealand doesn't have any. So I'd like it to be one of those kind of fortunate places where there just aren't any apex predators in any of the sort of animal families but if there was a fucking there's a particular breed of spider in australia where when there's a flood i think this was in tasmania recently this happened so there was a flood and suddenly the trees were filled with spider webs

yeah so they said all the spiders ran away from the flood they ran away from the flood up the trees which you would also do presumably so you don't die in the water and in that tree you would find just a cloud of fucking spiders you'd have to be very okay with being crawled on by loads of spiders and i'm not okay with being crawled on by loads of spiders so that would suck those trees look like so it looks like grim candy floss doesn't it it's like because it's like a whole tree but it's like why is the tree gray oh my god that's made of web oh it's full of it's full of spiders yeah that would really suck there's probably worst

animals in the world but spiders are uniquely gross i think it's like a primal thing i really think it comes down to like our evolution you know the way like cats well there's like loads of internet videos of this cats will jump away from a cucumber instinctively because they believe it to be a snake or something like if a cat's eating you put the cucumber next to the cat and the cat fucking jumps super high in the air um it's like a reflex but that's what i think is happening with arachnophobes like all these kind of, you know, CBT therapists will tell you, well, a fear is just that. We don't need them and you've acquired them over time.

Not necessarily. I think this shit is fucking instinctual. It's just an uncanny shape that goes down to something very cool. And yeah, you can kind of learn, you can sort of give yourself a habit of not being scared of that shape. But I think it's fucking built in and in some people they have it worse

than others, they're so uncanny and gross their whole life cycle is fucking weird they have this unique set of superpowers, they build webs webs are amazing, what the fuck kind of alien shit is that, they're not right they eat their food in the way that flies do where they kind of vomit out the acid from their

abdomens and they dissolve their food on the outside and they drink it as a drink everything everything about them is fucking weird i don't like them i find that i mean they're just even like i'm not scared of spiders and i'm okay with them but they still if one got on me and i wasn't expecting it i would still do a massive jump like you know like if i found something crawling on me and i looked down and there was a butterfly i'd be like ah there's a butterfly hey look guys there's a butterfly on me with the spider i'd still kind of go fuck and then you know but then i could pick it up and deal with it afterwards but there's yeah there's the instinct to say initial shock it's like a

reflex it's a fucking reflex like the cucumber cat reflex yeah you know i mean evolutionarily speaking um in our environment of evolutionary adaption which was africa there's been venomous spiders millions of fucking years in africa like there were certainly venomous spiders in our environment of evolution that environment of evolutionary adaption i've had too much ale drinking the juice of marc francois i wonder what he tastes like like quite good mounted on a stick yeah fuck it Fuck it. Actually, do you know what? Marc Francois mounted on a pike sort of,

you know, like pulled, pulled Francois would probably be quite nice if you barbecue him just right because that, all that fat would kind of congeal.

You're very carefully avoiding the word spit roast, weren't you there? Yeah, I really was. I was doing loads of work to avoid saying spit roast. Although, you know, you're all stuck on a desert island it's just you and tony blair maybe spit roasting mark francois is

the only entertainment you're gonna get just to do it do it over a fire pit and then you get the added you can decorate him with some phasalis berries and drape him in ale that probably improve the flavor fucking i smashed that too i have fucking smashed this you have done brilliantly well done so proud so proud okay well listen thank you i'm gonna let you go now because i know it's been hard uh like just spewing out all this grind man but you've done brilliantly so i really appreciate you coming on so thank thank you. Thanks, Ben. And where can people hear and see more from you at the moment? Find me on the internet.

Google me. Go on any of the platforms. I'm there. I'm making shit. I do music and stuff. It's great. Fucking also go on my Patreon and give me your money because I'm broke because the entertainment industry has been deemed unviable by the government and live spectacle has been banned

and you can't do mass gatherings anymore so the only way for musicians or entertainers of any kind to get an income off of making art

is by the consumers of that art becoming patrons so go to patreon.com forward slash beardy man

and you will find me begging for your spare change and making dope shit for your brain stem. Good. I fucking smashed that as well, you know. I've done so well. You have done well.

Do you know, I want to put myself on this island. I'm such a self-aggrandizing prick. There you go. Next time. Next time. Thanks so much, man. No, thanks for coming on. Bye. Bye.