Desert Island Dicks - BEN ADAMS

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

My guest for this week's podcast is writer and comedian, Ben Adams. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts

for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, a show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer Ben Adams.

Hello. Hello. How are you doing? I'm fine, thanks. How are you? I'm fantastic. Thanks for coming in. Not really fantastic, but that's what you say. That's what you say.

Fantastic. I'm great, yeah. Well, if people actually said how they felt then it would just, you know. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. I've tried before at work and just like, they're like, how are you? And I'm like, well, you know, they're not good. And they're just like, yeah, great. Yeah, okay. Get your T-shirt on. Yeah.

Crack on, please. Ben, who's going to be your first choice for Desert Island? My first choice would be a sort of a group of people. It's like a Russell Kane, Joel Domet,ommett comedian type okay so not those people i'm sure they're lovely people sure good on them they're doing their best but just that sort of type there everything has to be funny you can't have a minute where they're not talking everything's like oh my god that reminds me of okay right okay okay. So obviously you being in and around comedy for quite a while, you might have seen quite a lot of these characters.

Well, exactly, yeah. I mean, other people might not. They're like, well, what kind of comedians? Well, it's just that sort of like constantly upbeat 40-year-old men. Right. It's just like I don't believe for a minute that this is you in any way. And they're just like, oh, God. And someone might, I don't believe for a minute that this is you in any way. And they're just like, oh, God. And someone might, I don't know, trip up.

Oh, that reminds me of when I tripped. That's like, and you just, fair enough, whatever. But I don't want to be stuck on a desert island with that. No, okay. It'd be a nightmare. So is it sort of people that they're constantly looking for the gag out of everything? Is that the, yeah. Yeah.

And like want to make it about them sort of thing. Like they might take a phone with them to the island and just be filming themselves. Yeah, I couldn't stand it. I'd be like, there's stuff to get done. Yes. I love Bear Grylls the island. So I've got a plan of if I ever got marooned on an island.

Have you? Oh, yeah, straight away. Go on, roughly, what's the plan? Well, just straight awayed have you have you oh yeah straight away go on roughly what's the plan well just straight away use that energy you've got straight off the boat to just build yourself a shelter get yourself off the floor because that's a nightmare and then just once you've got that done you'll have just enough water maybe so then you go look for water and then hunt for food i mean it's not nice noproof plan. No, it's good. I like it, though. It's not a foolproof plan.

I think, honestly, from the amount of people that have been in here and been on the island, I think you've probably got the most solid plan so far. I mean, you're probably going to get away the best. I'd love to go on the island. Really? Oh, I'd love it. I'd love it.

But with, like, reality stuff, I'd be worried because, like these comedians that I'd love it. But with, like, reality stuff, I'd be worried because, like these comedians that would have joined me on the island, I'm always kind of just chatting to myself, doing stupid voices, telling jokes to myself, laughing. People will see that and be like, well, he's playing up to the camera. And I'd be taking it so seriously. Right, okay, yes. I think I've just talked myself out of all the comedians I'm bringing on today.

I know, yeah. I feel like, oh God, I feel really sorry for them now. They're stuck in this sort of personality. Have you sort of folded yourself into this bracket? No, I still couldn't handle being with them. No, okay. So you must have encountered a few of these types on the circuit, isn't it? Oh, yeah, and just on TV as well.

Just Joel Domet that sort of type you know and like there's a guy who again I'm sure these people are lovely

but look there's a guy who I keep seeing on the side of a bus and he's like a radio presenter and he's like whoa

just saying come on give it a rest Roman Kemp I think you're talking about. That's the one. Is that the guy from Capital? Yes. A slight bit much.

He's always on, always, hey, look at me. I'm always on the gag. Yeah. Yeah, OK. And it drives me mad. And obviously, going around to gigs, you'll be speaking to someone and you'll think, oh, I'm just chatting to someone, just having a conversation.

And they'll tell you a story about that day. Oh, and this happened and this happened. And then suddenly you realise that they're testing material out on you. Oh, right. And you feel cheap. You feel like, really, mate? That's what you're going to do? I don't want to judge your material.

I just thought we were having a conversation. No. Yeah, it's awful. Horrible. Horrendous. Oh, right. I know that type, yeah. And it would be, is the word insufferable after a while?

Yeah. It would be painful. They'd be sort of planning the book that they're going to write or the stand-up show they're going to write while they're on the island. They'd be like, oh, this will be funny, wouldn't it? Because when we were looking for coconuts, we couldn't find coconuts. Do you think this is a good bit? I'd be like, I'm starving, mate.

I haven't had any water. Shut up. Yeah, that's it. Painful. Okay. There's kind of like a group of them, like a gaggle of these comedians. Yeah, people that don't tell jokes, but they act like they do. Okay, right.

I see what you mean. I'm being harsh. I'm sorry. No, no. It's what this is all about. Is it like observational comedy? No, no, no, no, no, not at all. So it'll be like...

I'm obviously not that clued up. I picked up the headphones and then I looked into the mic and the mic was off. And then if no one laughs at that point, they'll start doing a funny action of the mic. Until people awkwardly laugh, therefore creating the laughter. Okay, I'm with you. Now I've got it. I'm there., therefore creating the laughter. Okay, I'm with you. Now I've got it.

Yeah. I'm there. Tricks of the trade. So this group of comedians is going to be your first choice. Yes. Anything else about these guys before we put them on? I think also they wouldn't do much for my motivation. Right.

Because I'd be like, I want to be a comedian. You know? Yes. They're being funny all the time, you know? I'd feel like, almost feel like I might become one of them

if I spent enough time with them. Yeah. Okay. It's a danger. Because you'd be having chats with them while they're not on and they'd be like,

you've just got to do this, mate. This is what you've got to do. Yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, yeah, you know what? You're right. Oh, and then that's it. And then should you be saved from the island one day,

that's the comedian you would have become. God, can you imagine? Oh, God. Things not to say on an island. Well, I remember. Oh, God, no, no. Okay, I'm with you. Right.

So these comedians go on, and who's going to be your second choice, Ben? My second choice is Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King. Wow. Because I thought about this very logically, about who, if I was on a desert island, and you said historical figures, and I thought, well, I could have interesting conversations with everyone.

Martin Luther King, we could talk for hours. But the problem is, one, I don't think he'd like me very much. OK, right. He'd be against me from the start. Why is that? No, he wasn't the biggest fan of white people, I suppose. So, which, completely justified, sure. Right.

But as, you know, a modern white man, I'd be like, oh, you know, everything's cool, Martin, it's all good. But he'd still be like, no, fuck you. OK. Excuse me, you shouldn't swear. No, it's OK. He can swear, yeah. He'd be like, fuck you, because, you know, he, it's all good. But he'd still be like, no, fuck you. Okay. Excuse me, you shouldn't swear. No, it's okay. You can swear, yeah. He'd be like, fuck you, because he had a potty mouth.

Did he? Oh, yeah. He was like, the original thing is I had a fucking dream. What's that? No. No, okay. No, no, no, not at all. But I just feel like, yeah, he'd already be against me from the start.

And then every time I'd say, Martin, mate, and then he'd be awkward. He'd be like, oh, what do you want? Martin, I need you to get, can you get the water today? He'd be like, well, what are you doing? Why are you making me do the water? Oh, okay. And I'd be like, you're turning into this whole thing, Martin. I just want, you know, you get the water, I'm going to get the fish.

Okay. Well, let me get the fish. Okay, you get the fish then, Martin. You know, oh, I see. You want, you know, you get the water, I'm going to get the fish. OK. Well, let me get the fish. OK, you get the fish then, Martin. You know, oh, I see. You know, you're making me... Do you see what I mean? It would just get... It would get so awkward because he's from a different period of time

and it would just be... I'm concerned we should make... I don't know if we should... Should we pick someone else? Really? No, I don't know. This is what I've got. I don't have a filter. No.

But I think there's nothing. I'm just saying if Martin Luther King was on an island with me, he would not like me. No. So therefore I'd be constantly trying to... But it's not your fault. Do you know what I mean? It's because of all those horrible people before. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Times have moved on. Fantastic.

But for Martin Luther King, he's plucked out of the 60s? 50s? I don't know. Maybe a little bit. History. So, yeah, he's going to be like... Now I'm with you.

Good. I'm glad. You see, this is the problem with me as a comedian. People kind of go, what? This is dodgy territory. Where is he going? This is really dodgy territory. But then if you think about it enough... Okay. so we're thinking specifically plucked out of history yeah to that island and he's going

hey why are you telling me to get the water exactly and you're like whoa times have been yeah and i'd obviously be sensitive to it i'd be like i oh my god like this martin luther king like i'd almost want to be like look everything's great now you were right everything's so cool but he'd be like shut up mate yeah it's not

yeah yes okay Martin Luther King it's an interesting choice it is it's like when someone picks someone

like Martin Luther King I just think how are you going to do this but the thing is I thought about like I could pick people that I really don't like. Yes.

But then I think, but even those people, if I was stuck on a desert island, if I was stuck on a desert island with Theresa May. Yes. It would still be, it'd be really interesting. It would be. You'd wear her down. Yes. And then she'd tell you all this stuff.

Tell you the truth. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. So I can't, I couldn't possibly not have Theresa May. But I could do that with Martin Luther King, but I don't think our relationship would get to the point where he would talk to me.

Yes. So, yeah, very practically on the island, it's not going to work. Exactly. It's not going to work. Exactly. History. It's their fault.

Yep. Those bastards. Okay. Martin Luther King. Anything else on Martin Luther King? No, no, no. That's it. That's the Yep. Those bastards. Yeah. Okay. Martin Luther King. Anything else on Martin Luther King? No, no, no.

That's it. That's the only, the only problem I have, get this straight. Yeah. Martin Luther King. Yeah. Is I,

I don't think we get, he wouldn't like me if we were on a desert island together. No. And it would be hard to get him to do stuff because he'd see me as an oppressor. Yes, absolutely. Yes. Okay.

Martin Luther King is going to be a second choice. And who is going to be your third choice, Ben? Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Yeah.

Hit me with Tilda Swinton, Mark. Well, one, she's just got, I mean, I don't know if it's me, but she's just got one of those faces that instantly puts me in a bad mood. And that's not her fault. No. She's always scowling. But I think she'd try and turn the whole thing into like an art exhibit and she'd be like, wow, you know, we're freeing ourselves from nature

and freeing ourselves from the shackles of life. And I'd be like, build a bed. Yes, yes. It's a whole thing. Every single choice is, I'm thinking very practically. You are. And I just don't think Tilda Swinton's got it in her. She's not.

She's very frail. She looks frail as well. Okay, yes. I don't think she'd last too long. Probably a vegan. Yes. So she's not going to eat anything you can catch or kill. No.

Apparently avocados are not vegan now. Why is that? Because they use bees in the pollination. Cruelly. They use the bees in bad ways. No way. It's not just avocados. It's like cucumbers, tomatoes.

There's so much. So basically you can't be vegan. So what are vegans going to do? Die. Oven chips. Die a very healthy death. A very unhealthy death. Is that true?

Yeah. I mean, I read it somewhere. Who knows? Potentially it'll get ruled out. I read it from quite a few places. Okay. So that to me, that's how I judge things now. I think if I read something and I don't hear it anywhere else,

then I go, okay, that's probably crap. But if there's several people, you know, I'm like, okay. How often are you eating an avocado? Never people, you know, I'm like, okay. How often are you eating an avocado? Never. Okay. So sometimes... I'm a vegan. I'm a real vegan.

Are you actually? I tried veganism for two months and it felt great. I completely agree with veganism. I love it as an idea. But unfortunately, in reality, it doesn't seem to... I don't know, it's hard to plan a meal.

It doesn't seem to accommodate fried chicken. No. Well, I grew up in... I'm a man who likes... You've got your veg, your potatoes and your bit of protein. Nice. That's my average... Like, OK, what shall I have for dinner tonight?

Probably something with potatoes and veg. But with veganism, it's so hard to get that thing. Oh, yeah, for sure. And all the stuff that is... I mean, there's a lot of options nowadays, but it's like if you've lived a life of eating that way, difficult. Yeah, but even, like, I don't like the stuff that pretends to be meat. Yes, I don't.

But there's this stuff called, I don't know what it's called now, but there's this, gosh, or something, that stuff is great. Like't know what it's called now But there's this Gosh or something That stuff is great Like Oh it's so good Really Yeah it's like Because it doesn't pretend

To be a sausage It might be like A cylinder shape But it doesn't pretend To be a sausage And it's just made up of Like butternut squash And

It's just so good Is it like Is it kind of like Bubble and squeak Yeah a little bit Yeah Oh yeah When you're a vegan Basically everything you eat As a vegan Tastes like an onion bhaji It does Is it kind of like bubble and squeak? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Basically everything you eat as a vegan tastes like an onion bhaji. Just everything. It does. Because it's all sort of melded together with onions. Okay. And you're just like, this is something. Before we go back to Tilda Swinton. No, no. She's probably not even a vegan.

What I was going to say is when you cut an avocado open sometimes, if you leave it for a minute, it does start to get this weird sort of redness. Right. And I always thought, is the avocado bleeding right now? And it's just like... Exactly. So maybe it is. It's the blood of the avocado.

That's why they're not vegan, because they're alive. Yeah. And, yeah. Tilda Swinton. Yeah. So I'm just trying to think so my main problem is that she's possibly

a vegan possibly so you've accused her of veganism well the thing is there was a I watched Celebrity Island as I say I'm obsessed

with the island yeah I watched Celebrity Island it is and there was a guy on there who I really liked I didn't like him at first from like Essex

the only way is Essex or something and I really liked him but then't like him at first from like Essex. The only way is Essex or something. I really liked him but then a pig, they caught a pig and then he had it as his pet and it was like, oh my god, just kill the pig and eat it. You're all starving. But that was okay. But then the pig died because he tied it too

tightly so it strangled itself and he wouldn't let them eat the pig. He made them send it off in like a Game of Thrones-style burial. I mean, come on. What out to see? Yeah. I could not sit by and watch that.

So that, you know, until this winter. All of you starving, and you're just sending that protein, that big ball of protein right out. That's died. I've watched it before, and I don't think I've seen it. I've missed a couple series but there was one that I watched

and it was a vegetarian was like right I'm just going to eat this meat because I need to eat it right so that's ridiculous

that they sent the pig out I know I know it's crazy it just I was infuriated do you think Tilda Swinton she'd probably

get the pig put it in like formaldehyde do something with it yes okay and then oh god I don't know her

I've never but she just seems like she'd be no fun whatsoever and I'm a guy who likes

to make light of situations and if we're on the island you need a bit of fun you do and if I'm like making jokes and she's like hmm it you need a bit of fun. You do. And if I'm like making jokes and she's like, hmm.

It's all a bit serious. Yeah. How is Martin Luther King on the island? Like, how are you? I don't like this. Okay. And I'll be like, oh, Tilda, come on. Yes.

Come on. Yeah, right. Okay, Tilda Swinton. I am Tilda Swinton. I think, yeah, I don't know if Tilda Swinton, I mean this in the best possible way, is built for desert island life. Well, exactly.

Yeah. Exactly. She looks like she's been on a desert island for years and years. But, you know, I don't know how to justify that. No, okay. That was just... Okay, Tilda Swinton. Interesting.

All right, Tilda Swinton's going to be a third choice. Anything else on Tilda Swinton? No, just basically, she'd just be too serious. Too serious, yeah. And it'd be a bit much. You need some light. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Thank you very much, Ben. That's all right. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least alright Now mercifully Among the records of the plane There was some food and drink Left over Unfortunately for you It's your least favourite Food and drink in the world

What are they And why are they so bad Tuna Food first Then it's going to be tuna Tuna Tuna Yeah

Okay I don't know Why anyone Would put Old Like Would have fish in a tin, just old fish in a tin,

and that absolutely stinks. It does. It stinks so bad that you're not supposed to eat that, I don't think. That's why it smells so bad. Yes. Because your body is saying, don't eat that, it's off, it's not good.

Oh. I just hate you. What about when they put it in like oil and then like brine and stuff just use a use a fresh fish fresh fish yeah i do understand where you're coming from i i sardines sardines no i hate that do you i don't mind i don't know why but i don't mind it i've always had i've always eaten tuna but i think as kids we just used to have it in sandwiches yeah i'm definitely a minority. Like, people love tuna. They can't get enough of tuna.

So everywhere I go, people are eating tuna. It's like, makes me wretch. It's just so disgusting. Did you have it as a kid? No. No? Never. It's always just the smell, the thought of it makes me...

It reminds me of, like, you know, like, full Monty breakfast in a can? Yeah. It's the same feeling with that. I'm like, no, I'm not going anywhere near that. Wow. And how do you feel about fish otherwise? I like fish.

I like fish. Interesting. Not too fishy. Actually, I don't know. No, just, I like, if it's a nice fresh fish, I'll eat it. Yes, okay. Break down not too fishy. You mean like a smoked fish or something?

Yeah, I won't eat like a kipper. I won't eat a kipper. Okay. That's too far. My dad used to cook kippers a lot. Yeah. And it just... On toast or something.

Yeah. Yeah, you like that. I like that. See, I'm not a big fish fan. I like salty foods and salty fish. That's it. See, I don't like olives. I'm not a big salty fan.

Do you not? No. Ah. There you go. That'll be it. I'm very salty. Anchovies. No. You don't like it? No, no. Ben. I know. I'm sorry. No, I. There you go. That'll be it. I'm very salty. Anchovies. No.

You don't like it? No, no. Ben. No, I'm sorry. No, I mean, it's fine. The tuna thing, I like. To be honest, it's going to be hard, isn't it? I'm going to be honest.

I didn't. Oh, yeah, you're right. What, on the island? Yeah. But then I'm just thinking, if you find tuna in the plane, you're thinking, I would immediately think, why would I eat this old fish when I've got a sea of fish here?

Okay, devil's advocate here. You're in a restaurant. You're going to order some pasta and there's a tuna steak. It's not come from a tin. I don't mind tuna steak. Tuna steak's okay. I'm swordfish.

So specifically tin tuna. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I should have specified. No, it's all right. That's what I thought you meant in the beginning. Ah, yeah, yeah, sorry. I should have specified. No, it's alright. That's what I thought you meant in the

beginning. Yeah, just the old brown tin. Nice. Yeah, I see what you mean. So you open

the cargo hold of this plane and underneath it it's just tins and tins of tuna. You're stuck with that for

the rest of your life. Horrendous. Probably quite good sustenance. But then you've got to open the tin somehow. That's a good point. your life. I mean, horrendous. Probably quite a good sustenance. But then you've got to open the tin somehow. That's a good point.

Be frustrating. I could choose Tilda Swinton's face. Oh my God. It's probably sharp enough for a, to open a tin of tuna. It may or may not be sharp.

But then I wouldn't even try to open it. I'd just go, no, I'm not going to eat that. Right. Just starve. Yeah, just, no, I'd get the fish

from the sea. Yes, and then get a nice fresh tuna steak. Exactly. Okay. I do, go no i'm not gonna eat that right just starve yeah just no i'd get the fish from the sea yes and then get a nice fresh tuna steak exactly okay i do you see okay so i eat tuna and i always have we just had it as family but um i've never really it was like an event for your family it's like a special treat no No, but okay, I'll be honest. I don't think I've often broken down, you know, all the ins and outs of it. Right. So what is swimming in?

I see what you're saying. I don't think about that. You just eat it and you like it. I don't think about the fact that it's in a tin or it's been in the cupboard for maybe two months. Yeah. I haven't thought about that either. But I do see where you're coming from.

I see what you mean. I mean, I'll eat a Rustler's burger. Will you? I will eat a Rustler's burger. If I'm... Here we go. If it's dirty, you know, if I feel dirty enough. And that's the same thing, yeah.

I mean, it's just vile. Yeah, I think the last time I had a Rustler's, I was working at a cinema. I used to... My first job was at a cinema. Yeah. A little staff room there with a microwave. out of rustlers I was working at a cinema I used to my first job was at a cinema yeah a little staff room there

with a microwave and they used to do like one pound rustler burgers a couple of doors down and I used to go and get that yeah

haven't had it since no no they're not good no okay if I was going to do something like that I'd probably have

a pot noodle see I know I'm not a fan my girlfriend likes pasta and sauce oh no but I'm not a fan. My girlfriend likes pasta and sauce. Oh, no. But I'm not a fan of that either. My girlfriend will eat super noodles. Won't go near them. It's vile, isn't it? It's disgusting.

Okay, so tuna, tin tuna specifically is going to be your food choice. Yes. And what is going to be your drink choice? Bloody Mary. A Bloody Mary? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. Why a Bloody Mary? One tomato Okay, why a Bloody Mary? One, tomato juice.

You shouldn't be drinking that. No, okay. No need for that. No. It's got like a stick of celery in it. It does have a stick of celery in it. It's like there's chillies in it. It takes so long to make a Bloody Mary and the result is so disgusting.

And there's one thing we think, I'd think, well, at least there's alcohol in it. But on an island, it's going to dehydrate you. So it's going to be a waste of time. And the one thing we think, well, at least there's alcohol in it. It wouldn't be enjoyable in any way to drink that. No. Just to think, well, at least there's alcohol in it.

You'd probably puke it. I mean, I don't know. Yes. Some people like Bloody Marys, but. No, I mean, I'm going to put it out there. I don't think I've ever had one. No. But I know about them.

And there's other drinks you could have. Yeah. It's the morning. If you're going to drink, have a Bucks Fizz. Bucks Fizz, yeah. That goes with a Bucky. A bit of orange juice, yeah. OJ, yeah, nice.

Lovely. So I was really skim once and I was interning doing like radio stuff which didn't pay and I was living at my you sound really bitter

about that no yeah it's just everyone does it but it's just don't fucking pay but when I was interning I was like I needed to be

in London I needed to be near London and so I stayed with my girlfriend and her parents, which is in Enfield, it's zone five. So it's sweet. I could jump on the train and I could get in for fairly cheap,

cheaper than I would have if I'd lived with my parents. And I remember being there. And one weekend we were hungover and for some reason she had a little can of tomato juice. Her mum might have had this little can of tomato juice in the fridge. Now, there wasn't a lot in at the time. I was thinking, oh, it's a juice, right? This was going to sort me out, right?

How different can it be from an orange juice? So different. I opened it and had a good slug of that. And imagine the feeling of that. Oh, God. Expecting lovely fresh orange juice. Just like a fresh, juicy flavour and just getting a big mouthful of tomato.

A big lump of like, I mean, it's just... It's grim, isn't it? It's vile. Here's a question for you, Ben. How do you feel about tomatoes otherwise? Cooked, fine. Not a fan. Can't eat a raw tomato.

You can't? It's like when I was a kid, they used to have Babaloo candies. Yeah. Candies? I'm not American. I don't know. used to have Babaloo candies. Yeah. Candies? I'm not American. Don't know. Sweets. Babaloo sweets.

And they were like little chewing gums, but in the middle they had like a juice. A bursting centre. Yes. And I hated them. I thought, oh, this is going to be a lovely sweet. And then straight away, just that feeling of like biting into something and the juice popping out.

Just, I can't deal with it. So that's how you feel with tomatoes but i'll cook tomatoes till the till the cows come home with more tomatoes and i'll cook them that's great and um yeah but no no not how do you feel about bananas you know i've recently got into bananas okay i my mum was a terrible mother what do you mean she doesn't like certain things she was a real fussy eater so she wouldn't make me eat anything she'd be like oh no so I had to really train myself

to eat new foods and things like that I was like a freaky eater do you remember that show where everyone just ate chips and sausages I wasn't that bad and put them into little corners of their plates yeah like we've put the chips in the shape of a broccoli so that next time he'll think of and we painted them green yeah um but that's basically like what i was like and bananas i've recently just i was like no i'm gonna eat a banana

i was like i want to eat bananas so i forced myself to eat a whole banana and i was like, no, I'm going to eat a banana. I was like, I want to eat bananas. So I forced myself to eat a whole banana. And I was like, well done, Ben. You've done this. My girlfriend's like, it's just a banana. Don't worry about it. But then afterwards, I couldn't stop eating them. Every day, I was like, banana, banana, banana. Yeah, great.

Love them. Did you start to get mouth ulcers? No. Oh, don't worry about it. OK. It's that thing. The thing. I started to get mouth ulcers.

And my girlfriend's mom said to me, you've got to stop eating bananas. And I was like, what? And she was like, they give you ulcers, mouth ulcers, if you have too many bananas. And I stopped eating. And then I kind of didn't pay attention to whether my mouth ulcers stayed or went. But anyway.

Is she a doctor? She's a nurse. Oh, there you go. Then I'd be inclined to believe her. Okay, so Drink Trust is going to be a Bloody Mary. When have you been forced to drink a Bloody Mary? Well, I've worked in quite a few bars and I've had to make quite a lot of them

and you always have to try them. I mean, not always. When the manager's around, you have to try the cocktail that you've made and it's just... When anyone orders a Bloody Mary, it used to fill me with dread, making it as slow as I could because I've got to try this.

OK, right, OK, fine. And it's the Worcester sauce and the chilli... Is it one of those bars that has a big picture of Bloody Mary on the bar? No. Whenever I see that, it makes me feel a bit weird. It's got an entire... What do you call it? Like a stalk of celery?

I don't know. Oh, what? Like loads of celery in there. I don't like cucumber, right? And there's bars that always have water, but with cucumber in it. Yes. And they're like, yeah, cucumber water, it's great.

No, I don't want my water to taste like cucumber. I want it to taste of nothing. Well, if I want a cucumber, I'll have a cucumber. And if I want water with cucumber in, let me order a water with some cucumber in. Don't just assume that I immediately want cucumber. No, I'm dehydration. You've got fucking cucumber in.

Oh, God. Okay, Bloody Mary's going to be a drink to us. Anything else on Bloody Mary's? I mean, not really. No. I think I've said as much as I possibly can about Bloody Mary's. I think you've done them right in, yeah. Okay, thank you very much, Ben.

That's all right. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

Ben, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why i haven't actually thought about my favorite my least favorite film but song wise okay song yeah i don't know what it's called i think it's called you make me feel by texas um goes like, You make me feel. But basically for about four minutes, it just goes,

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yeah. You make me feel. Jesus.

Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It goes on forever. And it makes time seem a thousand times slower. Just thinking about it, I'm getting agitated. and it makes time seem a thousand times slower. Why? Just thinking about it, I'm getting agitated.

I've never thought of that as an offensive song before. It's the most annoying song ever. Is it? Yeah, if you're at work and that song is playing, you're just standing there thinking, oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Is there somewhere specific that you work that this was like on?

Everywhere. It always pops up. Honestly, now I've you worked that this was like on? Everywhere. It always pops up. Honestly, now I've told you about it, you might notice it. Wow. Okay. But yeah, that's one of the most annoying songs I can think of. Really? Yeah.

Do you remember encountering it? It's repetitive though. It's not just that song. It's any song that's like the same thing again and again and again. Yeah. Okay. yeah is that is frustrating um i remember having a comedian on here uh ash friff and he and he picked the song um the look of love and it just keeps going the look the look yes yeah look of love look of love and it's just that repetitiveness you kind of think oh god hey, come on and Should I Stay or Should I Go

that's a nightmare that song it keeps going, it keeps repeating there's no lyrics to it apart from just if I stay there should be trouble if I go there will be double again and again, oh my god, just go just go

you make me feel by Texas, do you remember when it came out, but did it offend you? Yeah, all the time, because I hated Texas. They were one of those, there was like a period of time where there was a load of bands that were just sort of background noise for parties, like Lighthouse Family and Texas. Top Loader, Razorlight. Maybe not Razorlight, but do you know what I mean?

Those sort of bands. Simply Red the 90s Jamie Oliver playlist of bands yeah do you know what I mean just dull sort of stuff

that you can just listen to ocean dry the stars oh shut up so like it's just I don't know how to feel with that music.

It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me sad. It just makes me think, yep, I'm existing. Oh, wow. The genre should be just like indifferent music. Yeah. It's just like... Songs to make you feel nothing.

No, that's what makes me feel nothing. Yeah. 95. Okay. And Texas is one of those bands for you. Oh, me feel nothing. Yeah. 95. Okay. And Texas is one of those bands for you. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think of others, but there's just...

Oh, Beautiful South. Yes, they're there. Oh, God. This could be... Texas. I'll give you a parting gift, actually. Something to go and look up if you haven't seen it already. Texas collaborating with Wu-Tang Clan live on the Brits.

I'm sure this happened. Wow, really? I think it was the Brit Awards. And it's Texas. I think it might even be this song. So you might not want to. But it's them melding this song with something by Wu-Tang. Wow.

And it's like two of Wu-Tang Clan, like maybe like RZA and Method Man. No, it's not the whole clan, but it's like Charlene Spiteri. Is that her from Texas? Yes. I think that's her name, Charlene Spiteri. And maybe it's Method Man and RZA.

And they're like collaborating. Oh, God. Very weird. Oh, dear. Was it the same time Tom Jones was collaborating with everyone? Probably. That song as well. I mean, there's so many songs that are so awful.

That Tom Jones Christmassy sexual assault one. Oh, yeah. It's like, no, you're not going. No, yeah. No, it is cold outside. No, no, I'm 40 years younger than you. I really want to leave. No.

Staying here and I've locked all the doors. Sex bomb, sex bomb. Oh, dear. Yeah. Good old Tom Jones. And what's going to be your film choice? Oh, film choice. Oh, I know.

Go for it. This is going to be controversial. Okay. I watched it recently because I do a podcast with my girlfriend about i show her films she showed me her films one episode and i've never seen dirty dancing okay it is such a terrible terrible film nothing happens there's no stakes there's nothing there's no drama the whole thing i was just watching like why does anybody in this film care about anything that's going on okay because it is all so meaningless yeah you've got patrick swayze who's like i mean how old is he's like late 30s at least in that film and he's his life's clearly gone down the shitter and he's all he cares about

is this dance competition in real life or in the character? No, in the character. In Dirty Dancing. I don't remember ever having seen it. Oh, there you go. I get the gist, right? There's just Dirty Dancing. Basically, what it is, right, is the reason why it's so popular is because the women of my generation, they were of the right age and it awoke something in them and they started going, oh, this film's pretty good.

And that's why they love it but as a film it is dreadful like it's just so bad they all care about this dancing competition oh man and it's pointless

no one gets anything at the end of the dancing competition it's all about Patrick Swayze keeping his job right but it's such a pathetic job why's he gonna lose his job?

at his age oh he's gonna lose his job because the camp's going to shut down. Something 80s, you know. Oh, so is he working at the camp? He's working at the camp. He's like head dancer. Head dancer at the camp. But the person that dances with him, she's going to the camp.

She goes to the camp and she's bored. As like a child? Yeah, pretty much. She's like a teenager. Right. So immediately, yeah, looking at it with 2018 eyes, you're like, this is weird straight away. Yeah.

And yeah, everyone's just having fun dancing, but they're dancing sexually, but they're not all having sex. Okay. So the thing is, you can explore your sexuality without having sex, but they do have sex. Okay. Do they? Oh, they're at it a lot.

Are they? It's like the whole thing, basically. Really? Basically, Patrick Swayze preys on young girls at a club where he's, you know, he's basically a club rep. Right. That's what he is. And he preys on young, bored girls

who have to go there with their Jewish families. And that's it. That's the film. Okay. Yeah. So that is my worst film. I just, dreadful. Awful.

Right. Okay. I could never watch it again. Dirty Dancing. I mean, why is it so popular then? As I just said, it's because nostalgia. People just go, oh, it was their first little, their mums probably

said, oh, you can't watch that. You can't watch that. That man's clearly a paedophile. Yeah. And the girls are like, oh, nice. Oh, I'm coming into my own. I'm going through puberty. Things are awakening up.

Sexy Swayze. Yeah, so now, you know, I'm going through puberty, things are waking up. Oh, that's... Sexy Swayze. Yeah, so now, you know, ladies watch it thinking, oh, you know, I remember that. Being in the bath and the shower head, thinking about Patrick Swayze. The shower head. Thinking about Swayze. Oh, yeah.

Very odd. You need to watch the film. I will. Yeah, maybe I should. So bad. Oh, my God. I don't know when I would, though. And, like... very odd you need to watch the film I will maybe I should so bad oh my god I don't know when I would though and like oh that's it

I'm thinking my girlfriend she may not want to watch it and then imagine like I'm at home I've put the kids to bed yeah that's true she comes home

and she's like James are you watching James Hansen on the road? I think she'll think I've had a breakdown or something. I don't know. Oh, God.

Okay. Just imagine her putting the baby down. It's, ah. Hungry eyes. I mean, the soundtrack's very good. Was there a pun there? No, there wasn't. Put the baby down.

Put the baby in the. Put the baby in the corner is... Yeah. Oh, is that a film? That's from the film, yeah. And the line is, yeah, that was an issue I had. Because this famous line, like, no one puts baby in the corner, is so meaningless and so out of nowhere and weird

and it's like, it's so forced. I think someone's like oh you go sit in the corner but I thought when I heard the fray I thought oh well it means something it's like a metaphor right for someone that's not allowed to break free yeah which it is I guess but in the film they do it

like literally she stood in the corner and he's like no one puts baby in the corner and then she gets out and everybody dances. And then people just repeat that until the end of time? Yeah, basically, yeah. OK, Dirty Dancing is going to be... Didn't they remake it as well?

Oh, my God, I think they did. I think they did. Yeah. I wonder if they made it less paedophily. Yeah. Less paedophilic. I don't know. Kids are less sensitive now.

Yeah. So they'd need to up the... It'd need to be, like, really Dirty Dancing. now. Yeah. So they need to be like really dirty dancer. Like, whoa. It needs to be like. Yeah. Okay. There's like a cult.

For the desensitised youth of today. Yeah, exactly. It needs to be hardcore. Like a cult and people are dying. But then the only way to stop the murders is to put on the greatest dance show of all time. Right, OK. Nice to stop the occult. Yeah.

OK. Dirty Dancing's going to be your film choice. Yes. Right, and Ben, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Cat. Cat.

Arseholes. I know that's a fairly obvious choice, but they're just dicks, aren't they? Cats are. I hate them. What don't you like about cats? Well, I, as a comedian, am a massive attention seeker, so I love dogs. A dog will love me unconditionally and uncontrollably, but a cat

is just it's almost like it can see through my soul to my soul and be like shut up mate who you trying to kid

bit needy yeah like what what who you trying to kid mate piss off yeah I'm with you yeah and I just think there's no need to be like that

no okay yes they are they throw their weight about you like dogs though. And they just piss everywhere. Go into where they don't belong.

You don't have to pick up their shit, do you? No, I think you do. Especially if you first get a cat and then it's just walking around going, no, I'm going to shit here. And then it does it and you're like, no, don't do it here. At least a dog will be sad that it's done it. You'll come in and a dog, if it's pooed on the floor, it'll look at you like, I'm so sorry.

Like, I just couldn't wait. Whereas a cat will be like, yeah, deal with it. Do you know what? I hate walking past dogs taking a shit. Like, if I walk past a dog and they look at you and they look so, like, anxious and they kind of shake. Well, they're looking at you like, look, mate, it's and they kind of shake like they're looking at you like look mate it's not my fault i have to do this in front of everyone like if i had my choice i'd

go off and i'd be free i'd go off into a bush and do it but yeah i've got my owner wants me to do it right here but and it's coming now so but my owner only walks me down homerton high street concrete everywhere yeah like. Like, yeah. I've looked after dogs in London and, yeah, they just poo anywhere. Like, in the weirdest places, you walk across the road, in the middle of the road, and then people look at you like you arse. It's like, what do you want me to do? How am I supposed to stop this from happening in any way?

Just pull it. I don't know. Can you? No, but then it comes out as a trail. They start. They just go in. They look at you like, I'm going now. Just pull it. I don't know. Can you? No, but then it comes out as a trail. They start. They just go in. They look at you like, I'm going now. This is happening.

So there's nothing you can do. But people still look at you like, you should have more control of your dog. It's not my dog. Yeah. I'm just looking after it. How old are you? All right. Look.

Okay, look. I'm going to put this out there. I don't mind cats. You don't mind tuna. I also don't mind tuna, yeah. And cats don't mind. They like tuna, don't they? Look, I didn't say it before, but I've got nothing against Tilda Swinton.

No, I'm just saying this. It's because she looks like a cat, isn't it? No, I'm indifferent. I didn't mean that. I was just looking for something to say. No, cats, I know what you mean. They're very like, look, they're up themselves. They think they're the shit, don't they?

And they're like, look, you know, do things for me. Yeah, exactly. Whereas like a fox is like a cat. They're as much of an arsehole, but they know they're arseholes. Yes, okay. So they're like, yeah, I'm a fox. I'm an arsehole. Whereas a they're arseholes so they're like yeah I'm a fox I'm an arsehole whereas a cat will be like oh give me attention now

because I want it and then be an arse but then it doesn't always want you to but I tell you what one of my guilty pleasures is cats fighting I can listen to that for hours sometimes I sit in my dark room and i put

a headset on and i just listen to cats fighting but i do watch cats fighting on youtube do you it's that sound i don't know what it is it's that do you like it i love it something about it if you're laying in bed at night and you just get a rogue cat fight no yeah i love it i don't know i don't know why i I just like it. I think because you don't like them. Do you like the idea of them attacking each other? Yes. It's like when I overhear couples arguing,

I'm like, yes. Fuck you. Yes. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. It's because I'm just... Okay, cats. Anything else on cats?

No. I mean, but then saying that, if I had a cat on the island, it wouldn't really bother me. And if I found it, I could eat it. Yes, you could. Bit stringy, though, maybe. I couldn't eat a dog.

There is no way in hell I could kill a dog and eat it. But a cat... What if the dog dies of natural causes? I still couldn't do it. Could you not? I don't think I could, no. What if you were on the island with Bear Grylls and there was a dog

and it died because someone accidentally strangled it? Yeah. Could you eat it? But there's all the protein on there. I know, I know. I'm a hypocrite, but I couldn't do it. I don't think I could. I wouldn't send it off, Game of Thrones.

I'd say to the Grylls, I'd say, look, guys, you're more than welcome to eat it. Let them, but you couldn't tuck in. I don't think. Well, it's the idea of cutting it up and I don't know. I love dogs too much. I couldn't do it.

I couldn't kill an animal and eat it anyway, probably. No. But if I'm on the island, yeah. Yeah, okay. All right. Only if I had to. And then with a dog, I'd think the benefit's not going to be worth it. No.

Because are dogs even nicer? I mean, I don't know. Don't know. Yeah. Maybe they are. And then maybe, worse comes to worse, I'd develop like a taste for dogs. A real penchant for dogs. And then you go and live somewhere that might have dogs.

To eat. To eat. Yeah. I don't know. I don't want to offend anyone. Ben, thank you so much. That's all right. Thank you.

It's been really great. And Ben, what are you up to at the minute? I'm, well, I'm doing a gig tonight. Are you? So, guys. So, if you can travel back in time. No, at the moment, I'm just, I'm doing, I'm editing a film that I'm making at the moment. I've got various short films and things I've done, sketches, comedy that I do on my YouTube, Facebook,

all the stuff, Instagram, which is Ben Adams Comedy across the board. Oh, great. Uniform, I like it. I wanted to change it because it's like Ben Adams Comedy. It's a bit like, I do the comedy. I'm comedy. Yeah, okay.

There's a Ben Adams who used to be in a band called A1. And there's a lot of Ben Adamses. And I'm comedy yeah okay but there's a Ben Adams who used to be in a band called A1 and there's a lot of Ben Adamses and I'm very arrogant and I don't want to change my name for no one sure although I did

for my stepdad who wow okay but I prefer Ben Adams okay and um yeah that's it Ben Adams comedy

check that out and that's it and on Twitter Ben Adams comedy yeah just that's where I put pretty much everything and what about your podcast oh i do a podcast with my girlfriend hayley crossland who we i it's called

geeking to know you you can get it on any any podcasting stuff uh i'm really good at that um and yeah we i basically just show her she doesn't watch films at all. I've watched films since I was born. And I show her all the geeky films I know, all sort of cult classics, things like that. All the films I grew up watching that she's never seen. I mean, even things like Star Wars and Aliens that she's never seen. Wow.

It's crazy. And Harry Potter we're doing at the moment. Great. And then sometimes she shows me her films like she did with Daily Dancing yes okay and that's basically it brilliant

okay it sounds great alright well check that out across any of your podcast platforms all good yeah as long as they didn't turn off Martin Luther King

okay yeah no they didn't no thank you so much for coming in Ben that's right thank you I'm sorry for insulting

Tilda Swinton so much I'm sure she's lovely and good luck with her