Desert Island Dicks - BILAL ZAFAR

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

This week Dan is joined by the incredibly funny Bilal Zafar! He joins us to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspodLearn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, my name is Dan and I am the host of Desert Island Dicks, which is the podcast that you're listening to. This episode features comedian Bilal Zafar and he's great. I really enjoyed this chat. I know I say that a lot, but I did enjoy this chat. It was a nice, relaxed chat. We covered a lot of ground and I think it's entertaining. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping it entertains you as well. I'm feeling a bit rambly. If I'm honest, it's really hot and I've had to close the window to record this so it's not too loud with the road noise. And I think I'm getting a bit hot and bothered. So I'm going to keep this short and sweet. It's a great episode. So get stuck in and enjoy it. And

yeah, make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any and we'll be back in a bit. Here's Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Bilal Zafar. How are you doing? Good, thanks. How are you? I'm all right. I'm okay. It's a very hot day and I made the mistake of doing some exercise

earlier and I was feeling sick for quite a while but I think I've just about recovered now so I'm ready to record what's your so I live in like a new build flat and it gets stupidly hot man it's really depressing what's it like for you it's not too bad but you know what I had years of living in a basement flat and just being completely untouched by the weather outside and I've been in this house for a couple of years as it's like our second full summer of living here. And I was like, oh, I forgot. It just sucks the heat in completely.

So I'm in real like dad mode, going strategically opening windows and creating drafts and managing airflow and stuff. But yeah, I mean, it is a sunny day. I don't know if that makes you feel more or less optimistic or ready to rant about people and things you hate. How are you feeling today? Yeah. Oh, I'm good.

Listen, I can always get annoyed about people. It's absolutely fine, yeah. Perfect. And I suppose, you know, the stifling heat does kind of conjure up the feeling of a desert island in some ways. So maybe it's the going method on this. Exactly. Yeah, it's perfect. Okay. Well, look, let's get into it then. in some ways so maybe it's yeah you're going method on this exactly yeah it's perfect okay

well look let's get into it then and uh let's talk about the people and things that are going to be stuck with you on the island who's the first person joining you today uh it's a type of person um bad cinema goers bad cinema etiquette people so people that talk people that are on their phone um i can't i can't handle it and i'm not good at i've never told anyone in the cinema to shut up before because i feel like how could you do that and then watch the film comfortably you know what i mean yeah so i just kind of let it you have to let it happen you might shush them a bit or try and do a look but it's not enough you know and it really ruins things for me yeah i'm i'm never going to

be the sort of person that has the courage to kind of turn around like sorry can you just shut up apparently in america it's very normal to have like really animated film audiences in the cinema like lots of sort of interaction and whooping and it it sounds just awful i don't know if i could deal with it yeah i've seen videos of that i don't i don't understand so i went to um i went to the little mermaid uh the other day um because my wife loves the original and it was for her birthday um and cinema's full of kids and i thought oh that might be annoying but they were fine they were they were pretty well behaved but so many adults were going on their phones which was so distracting like you know i'm not i don't really

care about the little mermaid but like you know you're into it you're at the cinema and everything massive screen as well because it's just come out and there was a lady sitting next to me who kept like saying stuff she was by herself and she would like laugh and then say like that's so ridiculous you know and it's like i want to turn to her and say i don't want your opinion on what's happening but obviously i can't do i'd look mad wouldn't i so you're kind of stuck yeah i find that yeah really difficult and i've had so many good films ruined for me as well i've been one time i was watching a film and a guy started listening to whatsapp voice notes no way yeah and then i think recording some

that is unbelievable that is unbelievable makes me really sad man yeah it really does i yeah i was watching the i went to see the batman in cinema it's quite a long film and a guy again kept going on his phone and then he whenever he'd stop, I'd look around and he'd be asleep. And I swear, it was like he got his phone out in every single scene I was excited about. You know what I mean? Like there's like a Batmobile reveal and there's a few more exciting bits

and he'd always be on his phone. It's like he wasn't even watching it. And yeah, it genuinely winds me up to even think about that. Because, you know, I can be guilty of watching a film at home and getting on my phone when I should just put it away and enjoy the film but you know that's at home i can always skip back when i've paid you know what by the time you've got the

tickets and some snacks and drinks and stuff is you know like can be up to like 30 quid sometimes you know it's like i want the most comfortable nice environment possible i had it a few years ago my wife and i we had a babysitter, and it was the first time we'd been out together for about two years or something. We hadn't seen a film in a couple of years, and we were really excited. I think it was Rogue One we went to go and see,

and we were really excited, and there was this guy just commentating the whole time behind us, but sort of to his wife, going, oh yeah, that was good, wasn't it? That kind of thing and then there was a bit where there's just this huge explosion and then everything kind of goes silent for a minute and he just goes quality like really loudly oh you're just like oh you could like and

it was just at least if you're like talking over some explosions i'm like okay you're not really taking away from that but it's like oh man really taking away from that, but it's like, Oh man, it's like quality. You fucking bastard. It's like, do they not realize other people can hear them? Yeah. I don't understand.

And even like, so, uh, the one, the cinema I went to, uh, last was a view, view cinema.

And they have that thing where, um, they probably will have a version of this where there's like a voice saying like, you know, don't go on your phones don't speak and as that was happening so many people were just ignoring it and speaking and on their phones

like it was a comedy sketch or something like it was so ridiculous you know you'd think that'd help they need to hire people don't they to police it like shushers yeah they should go around shushing people or like poking them with a little stick or something I'd do it for free yeah maybe that could be a thing like if you you get a couple of free tickets but you have to like shush people in in a film and then you get a couple of tokens to

use at your leisure or something that'd be great because yeah i think i mean it's just more than anything it's just it just speaks of just a total lack of self-awareness of a person you know it's rude and it's just clueless it's so being stuck with that type of person on an island obviously they're not going to ruin any films for you I mean you are going to have a film with you but they can ruin that but just the lack of self-awareness or just sort of speaking out loud to themselves and not really realizing they're doing it or like you get angry with them like someone's in a mood today i don't need this like constant feedback from you i don't care about your opinion shut up so yeah a strong first choice then

yeah um who's joining them who's the next person it's a similar thing actually but very different in a lot of ways because it's um this is to do with when i do stand-up. It's audience members that try and join in throughout your set or your show. I mean, maybe it's not that bad if you're only doing like 20 minutes, but if you're doing an hour and then you've got someone kind of commentating, it's so difficult to deal with.

I was doing a work in progress earlier this week and someone kept saying stuff like um like for example like i was trying bits out and something didn't work that well and i was like oh i could work on that or something like a throwaway comment and this lady goes yeah yeah you could you know and it just i don't see i don't think she was actually being because she sounded sarcastic right but i think she was just a bit odd you know what i mean uh and just kept feeling the need to talk through it and what's difficult about that is that there's there's really no way to stop someone like that

because you can't really tell them to shut up and you can't be nasty or i feel like i can't be nasty to them because then that kind of ruins the whole thing because then from that point on everyone's going to be thinking about that and also i don't really want to do that to a person i don't want to try and humiliate as popular as the hecklers destroyed videos are and all of that if someone's just not understanding that they're meant to be quiet i feel like that's a bit harsh to yeah like like I say, humiliate them. So it's just very difficult to deal with. I mean, like people like one of the questions you get asked a lot, if you do stand up is like, how do you deal with hecklers and stuff. But the fact is that heckling doesn't happen that

often, like people shouting stuff out at you, the way they do in like films and stuff. That's really not very common. That's very, very rare. I've been doing it a little while now. It's very rare that that happens. And sometimes if someone says something, it can be quite fun. It can just be a little fun interaction or whatever. And so it's not always a problem. But then if someone is just like, yeah, commentating throughout

or someone and their friend is sort of discussing the show, even if they're being kind about it, it's so difficult. Yeah. Yeah, because I imagine if someone just does a heckle it's almost like a chance it's like a bit of sparring and you can sort of just put them in their place and it often unifies the audience a bit doesn't it because it's kind of annoying if you're watching a stand-up and someone's just being a prick because they're drunk or whatever and it's you know it is satisfying when it's like, okay, you've been shut up now. Let's all carry on in a sort of spirit of togetherness.

But yeah, I suppose with those people, it's like you can't, because you're not going to just sort of have like a little witty takedown of them. You know, you have to sort of, I suppose you're having to explain it to them. You can't go, look, I'm trying to do this job now. You're kind of distracting. There's no sort of pithy, quick way of doing that. i'm not a stand-up so maybe there is but it feels like you say a lot more effort and explaining to do it's very difficult it breaks the whole flow because like there's the way i do solo shows it's usually um it's storytelling so it would usually be one

big kind of thing and then it's if you break the flow of that it can kind of spoil the whole thing you know because then it's like okay everyone like you have to talk to a person and then everyone back into the thing you know um and everyone has to kind of readjust and then if you have to do that a few times it's just yeah it just spoils the whole thing really and then especially if it's a work in progress it's like well i didn't really get anything out of that yeah because i didn't learn anything you know do you find it's worse in a work in progress show because you know those you might sort of sort of break character a little bit and sort of talk to the audience of like right I want to try and do this thing here or I might shuffle

this around a bit so do you think maybe people kind of think oh okay the normal rule is a bit looser than normal or do you get this all the time anyway maybe I think it just happens it seems a bit random to be honest it's a lot of comedians think it's a post lockdown it's got worse um because people are so happy to be out and out out and about again that they're all just extra excited um but you have it all the time i mean usually see that the last one the last work in progress when it happened it wasn't even that late in the evening but usually it's just someone that's quite drunk and doesn't realize that they shouldn't join in but yeah it's a weird one because like i say it can be little interactions like that can be quite fun and quite funny but then they can also just

be too much and especially like yeah pretty much always the rest of the audience is just annoyed by them and and then you don't want a cinema situation where an audience member might turn around and tell them to shut up either because that's not very nice you know that sours the mood a bit so yeah it's just one of those things it's no matter how good you are or how experienced or whatever that's it's very difficult to deal with yeah definitely yeah even if you've not been to a stand-up gig you've seen it on telly you know like the mechanics you think so you know yeah or like any show you know yeah and also like even if i like you might sometimes ask the audience a question uh and you just want a straight answer and when people try and be funny that yeah it can just be really annoying because again 99 of the time the audience aren't going to

find it funny but again sometimes they can be an audience can be funny that's the thing i don't think like i think in some like clubs in america they're very very strict and like anyone that heckles gets kicked out and stuff and i don't think that should be the case because i think that can be i think it is quite fun and it's part of it and I do love how every time I go on stage as a comedian it is a different experience um I do really love that and sometimes a rowdy audience like around Christmas time or like quite late on a Friday night it can be quite fun but yeah when it's not it's it can just be so annoying so I mean we've got these two types of people now and they're both I both they both have a lack of

self-awareness in slightly different ways you know one's just a bit of a self-centered doofus shall we say uh and the other is like there's a bit not malice exactly but just a little bit more like aggro in there as well so i think between them it's it's a real recipe for disaster on a desert island just sort of bumbling along not quite getting it right and getting in the way when you're trying to do something you know you're setting a very very precarious trap for a wild pig or something and then they're like what are you doing there mate and you jump and everything sort of falls down like you end up getting scooped up in the net you know hanging from the tree you know so yeah very frustrating even just thinking about

that situation okay well it's going to be interesting to find out who the third person is who's going to be joining you now uh this one's an actual person uh ricky gervais okay right ricky gervais now it's quite a specific thing with him i know a lot of people love him and that's fine i don't i never think like if i don't like something everyone else has to dislike it I'm not like that at all you know but it's a very personal thing for me with Ricky Gervais like a lot of people don't like him as well and and I guess sometimes it's a bit cool to dislike him a little bit as well but for me as like a teenager comedy was very very important you know tv comedy mainly is is what i'd be into uh obviously i'd seen the office when i was like too young to see it probably uh i really liked extras and so when i

was about i think i would have been about 18 years old in sixth form he had a film out uh called the invention of lying and i took a couple of friends with me after school i was like this guy they didn't they weren't familiar with his stuff i was like ricky gervais is like he was like one of my heroes at this point i was like he's so good and now he's actually like got he's made a hollywood film it's gonna be amazing right uh we went to see it um i don't think there was a single laugh in the cinema like it was it's it's poor like it's really nothing clear like it have you seen it? You know what? I watched a bit of it on a plane. And I was like, even though I'm contained here, I'm not finishing this. Fuck this.

I just couldn't believe it. I was like, how could someone who's normally so funny, like, do this? It's to tell people the premise if they don't know. Basically, Ricky Gervais lives in like a weird alternate universe where no one can lie everyone tells the truth but it doesn't quite work because like not only is everyone telling the truth they're like oversharing so everyone is constantly just saying what's on their mind which i don't think is quite the same it doesn't from the start it doesn't quite add up like people are just being unnecessarily mean to each other and it's not very funny um and then eventually ricky gervais

i think his mom is dying in the film and he invents the idea of heaven he starts lying to her and then he becomes jesus in the film and uh and you know we all know he's very much into atheism but it's just really lame like it's really like and even at the age of like, well, you know, me and my friends, like we're 18 and you'd think there'd be something in there for us. And really, I mean, it was, it was shocking. And his acting isn't very good in it either. And I remember quite clearly that night, uh, this is when peep show was still on and a new episode of that was on.

And I remember that instantly making me laugh so much more than this big you know very expensive hollywood film did and it was literally a scene where um what's the boss called again oh johnson johnson it's where he's trying to find some scissors and he says to the character suze he says suze where are the big scissors have you moved the big scissors he says from the other. And it was just such a funny little thing. And it's like, wow, that's like, it was so much funnier. Yeah. Then this film that I'd hyped up to my friends.

It's really embarrassing. And then from that point, it just felt to me like he really went downhill. Like he got, he had a sitcom out called um life's too short yeah um with warwick davis in and the jokes are just about warwick davis being short like there's just so many jokes where he can't reach stuff and it's like wow is this it and then also he'd he'd done the thing where he'd he'd kind of mixed extras in the office where there were celebrities in it doing ridiculous stuff but in a documentary style and the great thing about the office was that it felt very very real right that's what was so good about it that

i feel i'm pretty sure people some people thought it was a real documentary when they first saw it that's how good it was and this had like like liam neeson coming in and having a chat with someone and saying ridiculous stuff but it's a documentary and you're like but then this wouldn't happen yeah like no like do you know what i mean it makes sense for like celebs to be stupid in the sitcom but i felt like yeah so yeah i just thought it was really bad i hope i've got all the details right for gervais fans but um and then from that point then he did derrick and for me derrick was a very a thing that made me angry kind of on a personal level not just because of the weird faces pulling and stuff but I used to be a care worker that was my first proper job after uni when I was 21 I worked in a care home for a year

and watching that sitcom I just knew that he didn't know anything about care homes and it's not his experience I think in an interview he said like he's got family that have worked in care homes but it just felt like a vehicle to try and do some sad bits because care homes are sad you know and that wound me up a little bit and and then his twitter presence he's pretty annoying on there and it's just all these things so you know i want people to know that i used to like people that like him that i used to really love him and idolize him and it's like he broke my heart you know what i mean yeah definitely yeah it was a weird thing with ricky javae because i remember being at uni when the office came out and i remember like you know there's no catch-up tv i'd play anything and i remember going home from the pub with friends be like quick quick finish up we gotta go like the

office is starting and it was that bigger thing and then you're like extras you're like oh yeah it's different but yeah it's still solid i mean it's really awkward but you know it's still kind of good and it just felt like every step was a bit of a step down that's how i felt yeah yeah you're right about the invention of lying i just remember thinking that like saying exactly what's on your mind at all times is not the same as not lying yeah like someone would sort of go how are you and they couldn't say fine they'd go well you know i have a slight pain in my right buttock but you know and it's like well but just saying fine is still okay you're broadly fine that's not a lie yeah it just doesn't work that's the thing like when you do when you have a high

concept idea like that it's fine it's not a bad idea i guess for a film but it just it yeah it doesn't work yeah from the beginning yeah you've got to have it in a normalish sort of setting rather than you don't understand the concept of truth i know people like this who like are so so want to be truthful that they tell people things that they really don't need to you know when it like not even a white lie it's just you don't need to give everyone all the information and that's okay that's not being dishonest you know but um yeah I mean the thing about saying he has family that work in care homes like I've got a cousin who speaks fluent Japanese but it's not really helping me know about their culture you know yeah I don't

know I mean I just feel like he's shone so brightly at first and then and he always had a bit of an ego didn't he like you see me interview and he's like you know i remember that life is short coming out and he was like listen you know this is great warwick davis is going to be the big star of this it's so great and then it was kind of all right but you've kind of really bigged up his performance but you are just sort of going haha he's a short guy yeah it's not empowering in any way and it's weak that's the thing because there's plenty of stuff which can be offensive and still have funny stuff in it you know but it doesn't like it's just it's bad it's that's actually the first thing i ever hate watched you know where i had to watch every episode when it was on i think it was channel four because i couldn't believe it you know i just yeah i couldn't

get over it also his stand-up i don't think it's very i used to like it a long time ago um and i was into his podcast and stuff but i think now with his stand-up i think he's not trying like it's just half-hearted ideas and it's things that he's it's just tweets he's done and he's getting like what is it 50 million or something per special from that something insane and it's just i i don't know I guess because I love stand-up so much, when you see someone that isn't even putting the work in, and, you know, that's loads of people, especially when a lot of them get quite big.

It just, yeah. So his whole thing now, like, whenever I see him doing anything, it just winds me up, you know? Yeah. And I just feel that being in a confined area with him especially in survival conditions i just think he seems like he'd be really abrasive you know it takes so long to strip away the sort of ego and the kind of you know and i think it's fair enough when people go i created this thing it was really well received i've now sold it to america it's gone down well

there it's like yeah okay be proud of yourself but it was always like this edge we're like i think you're just sort of going a bit far into cockiness there and i just being with him on the island but i mean he'd be quite useful for telling off the annoying unselfaware people that you've got you know maybe he could kind of deal with them but you're not going to want to sit around there'll be a point where he'll just be too mean to them and then you feel bad for them. And, you know, you're sort of caught in the middle. Yeah, even like, just I guess one more thing on him. Like he did this video, he did this like,

you know, they have those like round table discussion things. There was one a bit like that from a while ago where he's talking to other comedians and it's like Chris Rock, Louis louis ck who i know you know bad guy but like you know he's a very good comedian um maybe jerry seinfeld i can't remember and then ricky gervais is there and it just doesn't feel like he should be there do you know what i mean like he's not that level like like that's just a fact, you know? Um, yeah.

And yeah, he's being very arrogant in it, but yeah, that yeah. Ricky Gervais. Yeah. I think that's fair enough. And like I said,

I think it's going to be a really awkward group of people to be with. I think there's no good way of sort of hanging out with those people. So, uh, yeah. Can you imagine his laugh as well? It's so bad, isn't it?

It's just so... My friend, an old flatmate of mine, used to really love Ricky Gervais. I don't know if he still does or not, but he used to quite loudly have the podcast on in his room. You just hear that cackle coming out, and it's like, I just... It's something just about his manner

that I just find really irritating that puts me off now. But, yeah, I don't know. Office is still great. But then, I mean, I feel slightly like it's retroactively spoilt the office now, really irritating that puts me off now but um yeah I don't know Office is still great but then I mean I feel slightly like it's retroactively spoiled The Office now because I just dislike him a lot so now I've got to watch him in The Office and it's you know when people say oh I can't watch Alan Partridge I find him too annoying or something like that and it's like David Brent is obviously this incredibly annoying character but it's fine but then when you actually find

Ricky Gervais annoying as well it's like yeah this is just too much too much together you know yeah i know i probably will watch it again at some point but i haven't for years um yeah it's difficult okay well belal you've done a fine job on the people um and we're going to move on because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh i'll start with a drink um super malt oh yes okay have you had that i've tried it i've had a couple of sips. Weird, right? Like, what even is it? Like, it's sort of a bit like Guinness, isn't it? I suppose like a non-alcoholic Guinness, but sort of stronger, really.

Apparently it's good for you. The reason I pick that is because, I mean, actually, I only had it, I think I've only had it once in my life. And that was when I was quite little. I was probably like seven or eight years old or something. And there was a glass of it in the fridge someone had poured some into a glass probably my brother and put it in the fridge

for later and it looked like Pepsi and the shock I got when I tasted it really stayed with me I was like what is it it was so disgusting to me obviously I expected it to be sweet and nice and sugary.

Oh, yeah, it really disturbed me. And I don't know if it's still around. I think it is, yeah. I think it's quite a cultural thing, isn't it? If you go to a Caribbean or African shop, it's always there. Is it popular? Yeah. It feels like a weird thing.

If you were stuck with it on an island it's a very it's heavy you know like if you're not really that into it like i mean i love guinness but even a few sips of that i'm like i don't want this from a soft drink you know it's too it's kind of it feels like you could chew it it'd probably kill you on the island wouldn't it yeah and i know like i think malt is supposed to be good for you yeah but i don't know what like how much sugar they're putting in that as well because it feels like it's kind of treacly isn't it it's like a strong dark taste you know yeah i mean i'm willing to give it another go because it's literally the only time i tried it is when i was little and it just had that kind of scarring memory it's just disturbing you know

um yeah i know a lot of people that like the drink as well. But, yeah, I think that sort of thing is not for me. I'm quite bad with, like, heavy stuff. I get, like, indigestion quite easily. So I imagine it would be an absolute nightmare on the island with Ricky Gervais. Well, yeah, I just think it's something to drink every day. It's a challenge. It feels like the sort of thing that, you know, you haven't had for a while. you go oh yeah yeah i'll give it a go and then sort of halfway through you're like

i think this is enough i don't know i mean there's probably people who swear by it you know but i don't know it's a bit too complicated i think to have as a drink on your island so yeah especially when all you want is just some nice clean refreshing water it's really the other end of the things with that exactly um what would what would your food be uh truffle anything with truffle in it or truffle oil which i've heard actually i mean i don't know why i was reading some article about it and apparently a lot of the stuff you get is not genuine truffle anyway because that would be really expensive so in a lot of restaurants it's just like a flavoring i guess or like truffle oil uh but i absolutely i really hate the taste and it seems to be in so many things.

And it's one of those things where I keep kind of giving it a go, like chips with some truffle oil on it or whatever. And I find that I had some sauce with it in the other day in a restaurant. I just find it, I don't know, really disturbing. And it's really popular as well. But like I looked it up and apparently it's a fungus. And knowing that i feel like it tastes like fungus yeah yeah it's kind of hearty earthy taste isn't it yeah it's one of those things which is like it's become a popular thing and i think people see it as like a classy thing to put in food uh and i've got a friend who's like a food

critic and he says yeah it's massively just overused now like it's yeah it's used way too much um yeah it makes me feel sick yeah because i don't think i've ever tried actual truffles you know when it's kind of shaved over some pasta or something like that so i don't really know what it's like but i heard someone saying that like the oil is actually it's actually got a stronger or more intense flavour than the real thing. Yeah. Because sometimes, you know, someone next to you is having truffle fries and you can smell it on the next table, you know. I think it's just, it's probably, like you say, it's not as expensive to have the oil, but it's quite,

probably for a restaurant, it's quite a cheap way of making something feel more luxurious, you know. So you go, oh, truffled mac and cheese or truffled like they're just chips yeah you know but it's like truffle fries and like oh okay now like you know it's like a spoonful of caviar on top of something it's like oh but truffled mac and cheese now we're talking that seems to be the thing that always happens with i don't know what else you could truffle i just yeah find it pretentious and like because i thought because it's kind of mushroomy, right? But it's not.

I love mushrooms, usually. And it doesn't taste like that. It's got a weird, yeah. But I know a lot of people love it. But I just, yeah, find it horrible. Yeah, often with things that are this expensive and prized, you kind of wonder why they're being so highly regarded. And I think a lot of it's just because they're really difficult to find

and you can't really farm them in a sort of normal way. Like someone has to go out with a specially trained pig to root them out in a forest in France or something. But like, you know, all these things, you kind of think, if you're spending that much effort, it's like with oysters and snails and all these things. I reckon most people back in the day, if you just said, here's some really nice mushrooms and a cow, and you can have some nice mushrooms in the day if you just said here's some really nice mushrooms

and a cow and you can have some nice mushrooms in the steak you know like they're not going to spend the extra time looking for stuff but maybe i'm just a philistine but yeah i think having to have everything on the island with loads of truffle oil on top of it just yeah i mean like i said like the actual like you said like actual truffles might be really good and nice. But it's all these things. Yeah, whenever there's truffle oil and truffle sauce stuff. I think it's when we mess with stuff. Like I really like bananas, but I hate banana flavored stuff.

You know, it's like, to me, that's a really strong, unpleasant, synthetic flavor that I can smell a mile away. Do you mean like ice cream? banana ice cream i could deal with but you know when it's like banana sweets or something like yeah it's not really like banana is it it's its own thing no it's just a different thing yeah um and i wonder if that's like truffle oil and truffles but um maybe who knows okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay i'm i'm into a lot of films and a lot of music so i found this one really hard um it's really yeah really difficult

to pick a worse song because i don't know like what i've put down is a song called i think it's called viva la vida by coldplay oh yeah you know that one and it's kind of a specific reason where i used to listen to like radio one a lot when i was like 16 i think i or a bit older maybe i think that's when that song came out and i remember the first time they played it and i was like oh i thought that was rubbish and then the presenters were all like oh that was great it was really good and then i remember everyone at school loving this song and they played it constantly on the radio and it's i guess that kind of thing when and i've had this a lot you know probably a lot of comedians have it makes

you really feel some like imposter syndrome when everyone is into some stuff that you just can't understand and you're like am i wrong about it um so it kind of just i guess it symbolizes a type of music that was quite popular at the time i've personally never really been into coldplay yeah but it is hard i mean i could yeah yeah i think a lot a lot of the stuff that radio one played around that time i could kind of go with you know but yeah i found this one difficult yeah i often feel very out of step with the public opinion with things like that and like i just think with coldplay like they're kind of like a byword for sort of music they're like oh

i like six music i don't like coldplay and stuff like that you know but i do also think they're quite shit you know i think it's like i suppose for me it's like you too like they i don't find them offensive but i i find it odd that they're one of the biggest bands on the planet. Same with Coldplay. It's like nothing they do really offends me that much, but I sort of don't know why they're as big as they are. And I think that's the thing that I find really baffling. And then over time that becomes resentment and anger.

That's it. I think I see them as, I don't know, but I always sort of saw them as quite calculated and cynical. Like I, you know, around that time when they were big, I was kind of getting into things like radio head and stuff. And a lot of like indie rock bands,

a lot of hip hop stuff as well. And there was the whole notion of like selling out was with me quite early on like there's certain things that aren't cool to do right and i remember coldplay popping up this was a little while ago obviously but they did a live song on the x factor i think and even though i watched the x factor i was like this isn't cool do you know what i mean i felt like this feels bad doesn't feel right for a band to do this again that's a personal and i guess people could think that's kind of pretentious of me maybe it is you know um but that always that those kinds of things made me dislike them but

you're right there is that thing of it's kind of cool to dislike them which is a bit annoying you know i think is what when they came out you know and it was like yellow and stuff like that and i think you know it's fine but it sort of felt like quite stripped back and simple and he he's got quite a weird voice anyway you know it's sort of not always that in tune it's quite a specific strange kind of voice i find yeah and um like i mean seeing him live on like on stuff his voice goes all over the place which which I find quite annoying because, I mean, that's his main job. But I suppose then it sort of felt like, oh, you know, they're just this sort of little indie pop band. It's fine.

And then Viva La Vida, it was very much like, right, you're all dressed like kind of old-fashioned soldiers and there's this whole visual narrative now and you've all got to be wearing the same thing. And it was like, oh, right, you're a big band now and you've got to look for this tour okay and i just couldn't be bothered you know yeah yeah it's just not my thing but again i do want to say like i i don't care if people like them at all like it's absolutely fine you know yeah i'm just sort of more baffled by it but not in a like how the fuck do you like this this is awful music

i don't how could anyone listen to this it's just like oh okay yeah i think for me it's like i think the stuff that winds me up again about anything that's like artistic is when i feel like it might be cynical like um there's a lot of like kind of dancey music that I felt like they know exactly what they're doing with this. They know that they're just trying to make it a big hit that will get played a lot. And now these days you've got songs that people know will get streamed loads because that's the thing,

you know, you know, when it just kind of fits a formula. So there's plenty of other, like there's worse stuff than coldplay absolutely oh absolutely so i could have picked a load of other stuff problem is a lot of it's quite forgettable right um yeah yeah i had this thing where like so i've got two older brothers and uh there's six years between each of us and like they've both been a huge influence on music

for me you know so like my oldest brother used to dj throughout the 90s you know that all that sort of acid house scene which i love and he kind of taught me to dj and my other brother taught me loads about hip-hop and stuff so they both look really influential in my life great and then my oldest brother he lives in australia and he was saying that um he's like oh yeah i went to see coldplay honestly the best gig i've ever been to and i was like what but what did you like did you have to go for work and he's like, oh, yeah, I went to see Coldplay. Honestly, the best gig I've ever been to. And I was like, what? But did you have to go for work? And he was like, I went with some clients.

But honestly, it was fantastic. It was unbelievable. You have to see them live. And I was like, but you used to play to illegal raves in the 90s and the M25 parties and get flown to Europe to play illegal raves. You can't go to cold play right how much um how much older are your brothers than you so there's six years between each of us so he's 12 years older than me that's quite a bit so uh yeah and like not getting too

deep into my like history but like you know my dad died when i was about six so they were like right not father figures but important male role models for me you know so when he was going on about this i was like oh is this what that's you know what that's so interesting so i've got two older brothers as well and they are seven and nine years older than me right and it influenced so much of my comedy film music tastes like everything and again a bit like yours they were kind of into one of them liked like rock and stuff and the other one was massively into hip-hop and like rap all of that tupac and whatever and i have had that same feeling where they've not gone to see coldplay but like they look so cool to you when you're young and like now sometimes like the way they dress and stuff you know yeah there's a time you're like okay like we're sort of we're all grown-ups now so um

yeah you're wrong about this rose before you're like oh right okay that's the cool thing i'll listen to that now yeah and that's why i bet so that's why me and you probably had a lot of imposter syndrome around so like did you find that when you were at school did people did you not like the same stuff as a lot of people uh yeah to a point that's an issue i yeah i think there was things like you know there'd be stuff where you go all right you're discovering this band but i know about this you know it's like oh you don't know about faith no more which has probably made me unbearable yeah yeah i mean i just felt so out of place because no one like i say like everyone was into whatever was new like coldplay or whatever and

one for me in terms of comedy was like everyone at school being really into little britain sorry about that everyone being into like little britain and me like because of my older brothers i'd i'd already seen like the day-to-day and brass eye and alan partridge all of this stuff and the office and so when i saw something like like Little Britain, it had funny stuff in it, but it made me cringe a lot of it. But then you've got to pretend to be into it to fit in. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I remember when I was about five and six watching The Young Ones

and my first album was like the best of the stranglers and stuff. So it was all like a bit all over the place, you know, for a young kid. Messes you up yeah definitely okay uh well what's your what's your film choice going to be oh man this was really hard i mean the thing about films is i do a thing on twitch called bad film club where i do like a watch along of bad films and the thing about those is i find them quite entertaining a lot of the time so there's really bad ones but i like them you know like there's a long list of them so for me like i've picked one that i could have done the

invention of lying to be fair um i picked one that disappointed me a lot of the time and maybe afterwards i'll realize there was something else i could have picked but i've put spider-man 3 okay uh the toby mcguire one and i know i see a lot of discussion about marvel stuff now there's too much marvel stuff in there but like and i know that people like that film for different reasons but at the time i was quite young and i loved the first two films so much and bear in mind at this time because if people didn't see these films originally it's very the whole world of these films very different now at that time there wasn't that much coming out there wasn't many superhero films there was like spider-man x-men um i think there was maybe like one superman film or so i don't think that batman hadn't stopped oh maybe batman begins had come out but there

wasn't much you know like now they're making like trilogies of every single character and stuff so um at the time um i was so it's that feeling of disappointment where like now i'm better prepared to be disappointed by things but at that point i was so certain that it was going to be good because it they advertised that it had venom in it and i always liked venom i thought it's you know really cool villain um you know he was in the trailer a lot and everything and then it turns out venom is in like the last, literally like the last five minutes of the film, maybe 10 minutes or something like he's thrown in there.

I think it was because producers like forced the director to have this character and they didn't want. Um, and I remember watching it and like, I think like 10 minutes into the film, I was loving it. There was a scene where I think he was going to propose to Mary Jane. And for some reason, the ring falls out of a window and he's like was going to propose to mary jane and for some reason

the ring falls out of a window and he's like web slinging around to try and catch it and i thought oh this is really cool and then it just went downhill and i just thought it was awful and there was the whole thing where he starts becoming evil with the bad venom symbiote thing and he gets a new hairstyle and stuff and i know people have said like um it was all intentional like it was meant to be a bit lame or whatever like that was the joke but i didn't understand that at the time so maybe now if i was to watch it i wouldn't even think it was a bad film but it's just the feeling it gave me at that time like i was so upset by it especially because it was the final one in this trilogy you know know? So yeah, I'm putting that in because of that personal reason.

But again, there's, there's much worse films than it. Yeah. But then, then it's true what you say about a bad film can just be really funny, but there's films that are just not very good or they don't hit you for the right reasons.

Or like you just, just not invested in them. You know, when you just sort of sitting there watching it and go, well, I'll finish it. But come on, this isn't, this isn't doing it for me yeah especially when you love the characters right yeah

it's interesting that you say like nowadays you're more used to being disappointed by stuff you know so nowadays we're all jaded by crap that gets put out but uh yeah it's true i haven't actually seen that that one but um it's so weird because there's so many versions of so many like the the um franchises last for so long that like you have to get used to a hero being a completely different person or like a different style in each film which is you know good and bad like you know i'm not really a massive james bond film but he's sort of broadly consistent you know he might be a bit more like daniel craig's a bit more physical and no nonsense a bit more punchy rather than kind of suave but he's broadly the same as you can have like Batman who's just very different from start to finish and I don't know if it's good or

bad I suppose you know you get like a chance to when it's like oh it's the Christopher Nolan one you know with Christian Bale and oh wow this is much darker and more interesting than like yeah an early one so maybe it can rescue things but i don't know i just feel like sometimes they need to stop and find a new one there's definitely too much i mean like i wanted to watch um i got i got into the hype around the final avengers film i saw this article i think it was a mirror article that said here are the 20 films you need to watch to prepare for endgame i'm not doing that no you know no i'm i'm not doing it like i it's not worth it it's like i i get much more out of um kind of a bit more like something like a more like a like a drama

um just about a few characters can have much bigger effect on me than these big you know because i've seen things like i've actually seen three transformers films which is ridiculous like uh because i used to have one of those cine world cards when i was at uni i used to kind of watch everything for a bit and you can't tell what's going on in those films you know and i feel like some of these marvel films might have a similar thing and you know again it's like i used to love like spider-man and x-men i like i already loved these characters from when i was quite from when i was little and i don't even like guardians of the galaxy which i'm sure i think i saw the first one it was i might seen two of them and i think it's good but i don't know any of the characters

at all and it's not got that same buzz it's like you're just watching a kind of formulaic thing now a lot of them they've made into like comedies and yeah they're quite fun but i just i can't be bothered yeah and like i said i'm not watching 20 films to yeah for one film but it's like you know i get the thing it's like you know if you like something that's got a proven track record and you know there's like that formula isn't there like a sequel will always return a certain amount of money so you have to do a sequel. And, but it feels like, you know,

so I used to quite like star Wars. I'm like a huge fanatic, but you know, I always found them really enjoyable. I'd be excited when a new one came out. And, you know, when the recent batch came out,

I really enjoyed going to the cinema to see them. I really enjoyed rogue one and stuff. And like people, I think take them a lot more seriously than I do. I was just like, okay, it's a new one. Great, let's enjoy it. But then it was like, okay, now there's even more of them.

And now there's some series. And then there's another series. And there's a new series based on this aspect. It's like, I don't like anything that much. You know, it's like, you know, like even with my favorite bands, after a while, like after maybe five or six albums, I'm going to start, like, I'm not that interested in the new thing. I don't know.

It's just, it's like when, you know, when your mum goes, oh, do you like this kind of thing now? Okay, here's loads of this forever. And you're like, mum, I need something else now, you know. Yeah. Just please find new things. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

But I think, you know, if you found that film disappointing at the beginning, it's always going to stir up those feelings that, you know it wasn't quite the spider-man you wanted why he wasn't venom brought in earlier and that kind of thing so yeah and again like i wouldn't you know nowadays i probably wouldn't care that much i just think okay it wasn't quite what i wanted and that's fine but at that time i used to just get a lot more wound up you know especially because like i can't quite remember how old i was when spider-man 3 was out but i was at an age where i wouldn't go to the cinema that often like obviously now i'm i'm 31 and i'm you do whatever

you want all the time and especially because i do the comedy stuff i have a lot of afternoons free and i could go watch a film at 10 a.m if wanted, you know. But back then it was like going to the cinema was a big thing. And like, I think I went with my cousins and it was all exciting. And it's like, yes, you know, we're doing this. You're absolutely buzzing about it. And then it's that kind of crash of disappointment. Yeah. Yeah.

Brutal. OK, well, that's that picked. And obviously you're going to have to watch it with a really annoying person. Well, two really annoying people talking through it. talk all the way and then ricky gervais talking about how laughing yeah laughing or saying how he would have made it better um yeah but bilal finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why uh it's hard this because i i love you know i know, I like all animals, I guess, but, um, ferrets. Ferrets.

Okay. Yeah. Very specific reason for this. Um, when I was at uni, um, in my final year, I think my housemate, I lived with one friend and, um, he's good guy and everything. Right. But he went and bought two ferrets. Um, and I dunno if you've he went and bought two ferrets. Wow.

And I don't know if you've ever been around them. They stink. They've got a smell, haven't they? Yeah. They stink. And people try and say, like, no, no, they don't stink. It's just like a musky smell. They stink, right?

They stunk up the whole house. You know, I think my clothes started to smell of them. Also, I don't know. I guess they're kind of a popular pet, but like they were kept in this hutch and they look like they just wanted to leave all the time. Like I've got kind of a personal view about pets where I've got a cat and I think that

if you were to open your door and the animal would just leave and probably not come back, I feel like that's not a great pet yeah like like you know i don't mean like a cat or a dog or whatever might run off by accident but they love you like i know people hate cats and stuff but they do love you and uh they want to be with you right um but then yeah when there's animals that are like yeah they'd leave and i feel like ferrets would rather like be in a forest or something doing their own thing yeah so for that reason i kind of i don't

really like them yeah uh because even even a rabbit kept in a hutch is you know it's a bit of a small crap place for it to live but they don't seem to have that much drive you know but exactly but ferret seems like a constantly moving ball of energy like when i've seen them they just seem like fast and lithe and a bit crazy and they do seem like being cooped up isn't the best thing for them yeah exactly they're so energetic um like even i mean my cat is really really energetic i didn't know she was gonna she's just turned one um she's absolutely mad as well and loves playing and stuff but it's not you know she's not kept in just turned one um she's absolutely mad as well and loves playing and stuff but it's not you know she's not kept in a little cage basically she has plenty of room to

play um yeah again it's a weird one because like i don't hate them as an animal at all like i imagine in their natural habitat or even if they're taking care of someone that has plenty of space and puts a lot of time and effort into all of that i'm sure they're great you know the smell i don't like yeah but um yeah because of my personal experience with them um yeah i'm not a ferret fan but aren't they also i mean if you've got an island overrun by them i just feel like there's quite there's something a bit creepy about them like i don't have a big problem with them or like rats or things like that you know like me and my friends used to have a couple of pet rats at uni and they were brilliant pets you know but like i just feel like they look like they could turn vicious quite quickly you know a ferret

like and i just think if you're dealing with an island teeming with ferrets i just i just think it's going to be an awkward thing to deal with. Do you know what I mean? They look a bit bitey. Don't they have quite sharp teeth? Yeah, they do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very bitey. Something I didn't like about them either is, well, something I like about cats is she has a litter tray and she uses it.

And I even like the way that they're kind of cats. It feels like they don't even want you to look at them when they're in their litter tray or doing their business or whatever um so i like that they're quite clean like that even with dogs like i i wouldn't personally have a dog and pick up after it and stuff but the way that there's that kind of ritual of you take it out for a walk and you sort that but the ferrets used to just he'd let them out the hutch and they would just like crap in the corner of the room and i imagine they do that all over the island yeah you know yeah um that's something i don't like yeah about pets i bet they're really hard to catch as well if if you've

got a problem with ferrets like they're so sort of thin and quick and like string like i just they're kind of like a very fast bitey slinky you know exactly yeah they are like slinkies yeah and it's like what are you like you're not they're kind of their own thing but it's like you they feel like they're sort of an evolutionary gap filler you know it's like well i don't know they like hop you know they've got like a hop run they do so they're quite quick yeah but you're not a squirrel you're not a rat you're like sort of in between yes smash these things together yeah so yeah yeah yeah they are cute though you know but yeah i'm not into it because it seems like he just went out one day and came back with two ferrets was it more premeditated

than that like oh mate this guy just offered me two ferrets. I mean, I think that he was quite into Tumblr and stuff, and I think he'd just see a lot of these. You know, even on Instagram and stuff, you see people keeping weird pets, and a lot of the time I look at them and I think, I just don't think this thing's meant to be a pet. Sure, it's good for this 20-second video, and it's being cute and stuff,

but just get a dog. If you want a thing to be really friendly and cute and love you just get a little dog or cow whatever you know yeah um i find yeah the exotic pet thing can be a bit weird so i think he saw some stuff about them online and then oh god there was a guy so um well the where i went to uni actually i kind of don't want to say, cause I'm going to slack it off. But there was a guy who was like, I think he was called like the ferret man or something. And he had a house just full of loads of ferrets and you could buy them off him. And of course,

I mean the smell, can you imagine if two were like kind of ruined my house? It like loads, loads and loads um yeah yeah yeah i think there's a limit on pets before you become the crazy person you know like two or three of the same animal maybe that's all right but i think more than that you're a bit odd we when we moved into this house there was a washing machine left here and we we brought our own so we're like well we'll put it on free cycle and a guy came to pick it up and he had this really strong smell about him and then he saw the litter tray uh and he was like oh yeah a litter tray there I'd need a bigger one than that

I've got to have a few at my house I was like oh you you have cats then he's like oh I've got 13 it's like wow that's a lot of cats and he's like yeah yeah yeah well at my house. I was like, oh, you have cats then? He's like, oh, I've got 13. I was like, wow, that's a lot of cats. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I'll rescue them. I was like, oh, okay, well, that changes things. It's a business. And he was like, well, not really. And I don't know where he was rescuing them from. And I was like, do you sort of rehome them or anything?

He's like, well, no, you know, because there's so many background checks you've got to do. Like, I end up keeping most of them. I was i was like right and then he was going on about how did you hear that thing like i don't know if it still happens there was a like the croydon cat killer like so around croydon in southeast london for a few years they were like this spate of like cat murders and they were like they're very done in a very specific way and i thought it's this one person this guy's telling me all these theories about how he knows who the cat murderer is.

And because of that reason, who won't let any of his cats outside. So I'm like, so wait, you have 13 cats in your house and you don't let any of them out. He said, no, you can't,

you got to take care of them. I was like, I want to take care of my family, but I know that people get killed in London. It's like, this is why you have this weird smell. I don't, I mean, maybe it's because you're taking this washing machine. Maybe that's why you smell.

But just, there's too many animals. That's mad. How expensive would it be as well? Like cat food is expensive enough. Yeah, definitely. Oh, that's weird. See, because I thought you were going to say, I think the fact that he rescues them is weirder, to be honest,

because like my cat is, uh, um, my mom's cat had five kittens and I can understand, like we all got kind of attached to these kittens, but like I thought you were going to say that one of these, like a couple of these cats just had kittens and you didn't want to let them go. But the fact that he's bringing them in is weird. And I don't know, man, like I feel like that's not, I don't know if the cats are going to be happy. Are they distressed?

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. But they're not going out, that's for sure. Just imagine that guy's house. Anyway, look, ferrets and cats aside, I think you've done an absolutely superb job today of putting together a hateful island of people and things that are going to drive you

completely mad so thank you so much for that i think it's it's been sterling work um and yeah we were talking earlier about work in progress uh shows and you've got quite a few of them coming up at the minute i've got loads if people find me on twitter uh zaffer cake z-a-f-a-r cakes or instagram or whatever uh there's links on my website for all of those and i'm going to be doing a new show at the edinburgh fringe if anyone's going called imposter about a mad housemate i had who started believing he worked for mi6 wow it's a true story yeah okay um yeah so i've got yeah i've got a lot of work to do on that and um yeah and i'm always doing stuff i've got i stream stuff on twitch as well if people are into that that's quite fun

uh yeah thanks for having me no it's been an absolute pleasure thank you so much for coming on desert island dicks cheers so there you go i hope you enjoyed that one and a reminder that we will be at the cheerful earful podcast festival in november so you can head to cheerful earful.co.uk and get yourself a ticket already yeah don't leave it to the last minute just get ahead of the curb why don't you it's a really good night uh there's other good podcasts on there as well like a gay and a non-gay and uh cuddle club with lou sanders so yeah what else have i got to say oh yeah occasionally as you may be aware we do compact dicks which is where you get to tell us who and what you think is a dick and it can be any of the categories in desert island dicks like people foods drinks song film animal or you can just go off piste and I don't know if your

your pedal bin annoys you, you can you can tell us that you'd hate to be stuck with it on the island. That is a-okay by us. So yeah, get in touch dixpod.com slash contact or give us a shout on Twitter or Instagram at Dixpod. Desert Island Dix has been a Sink Clap production. It was originally thought up and produced by James Deacon and it is produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus with additional production support from Chris Attaway and ongoing support, as always, from

the man, John Deacon. That's it. We'll be back soon. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.