Desert Island Dicks - BOBBY FRICTION

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

TV & Radio presenter and DJ, Bobby Friction joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert Island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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hello my name is dan and i am the host of this podcast called Desert Island Dicks, which is the one that you're listening to now. And this episode features Bobby Friction, who is not just a DJ and presenter. He's also a very funny man, as you'll discover as you listen to this podcast. I'm not going to spoil anything, but there is a section on the Sheriff of Nottingham in this podcast that I really didn't see coming. And I think you'll particularly enjoy. Don't forget there's loads of other episodes in our back catalogue with people that are also not comedians but who are very funny and entertaining like writer and journalist Stuart Heritage or drag queen Davina DeCampo and if you like drag queens there's also Jinx Monsoon and Major Scales or Glamrou and Cristal. You get the picture. Whatever you're into, there's a Desert Island Dick for you.

So why not subscribe, and then you'll never miss an episode from this day forth. And if you like it, please leave us a review, because it makes us feel nice, and we've got fragile egos. That's my pitch done, so I'll leave you with Bobby Friction on Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is DJ and radio and TV presenter Bobby Friction. How are you doing?

Hello Dan, I'm so happy to be discussing dicks with you of all people. Let's get amongst the dicks bro, let's get amongst them dicks right now. We'll get stuck into some dicks. Good, well i'm glad you're up for it today so bobby how did you find the process of choosing your uh your picks for the island today i'm quite hard actually because there's a lot of dicks out there there's a lot of dicks that need exposing no pun intended there's a lot of dicks that need to be discussed in various details. And what I found, and maybe this is my own hateful persona, I found I was actually kind of casting dickdom over vast swathes of the population of planet Earth.

So it was very hard to pinpoint down the dicks, if you get what I'm saying. At first I was like, ah, dicks. Everyone who drives really badly in Britain and who's voted Tory so I had to actually really focus on the dicks minutely okay well I'm eager to see who who got to the shortlist so uh let's dive straight in who's going to be your first choice all right first choice most definitely all football fans and you know it's it's it's very terrorising and very triggering for me living in Britain because I don't like football fans.

Most of my friends, most of my close friends are football fans. They're the most boring people on earth. The most interesting person can be reduced within half a millisecond into being an absolute dick and a twat just by saying, so what team do you sport though, mate? So, yeah, all football fans, and especially the ones who've got lots of facts and figures and statistics at hand, they're the worst.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not a football fan either, and I just find that there's sort of no other, I mean, most conversations to pass the time of day you can sort of get away with not knowing that much about it but it really closes you off if someone suddenly starts talking about football you're like well that's it i've got nothing now that's that's us done basically yeah i hate the the in out the opt-in or out nature of it and i've discussed this often with my friends like a whatsapp group is the worst place to not be into football when you've got a whatsapp group full of your male friends especially as I do I've got two different whatsapp

groups all my mates from uni all the mates I grew up with it just takes a rumbling of a you're gonna watch the game tonight and suddenly I'm cast out of the group yeah and it's really really terrifying because I do know stuff. Of course, I know Chelsea are like this and Liverpool won something recently and all that kind of stuff. But I hate, as you say, the whole in-out nature of it. It's literally like, well, you don't like football, so shut up, mate. You don't know about Brian Clough. Clough is golden era, mate. Don't talk to me about Cloughy. And, and then the way they hate, yeah,

it's just, it's really disturbing. And I hate the fact that, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm basically being oppressed by these football fans.

I find that, um, I mean, I went to a wedding once and it was one of those things where, you know, you end up talking to someone you've never met. And literally the second thing after, how are you? The second thing he said was, what team do you support and I was like I don't really support a team you know and and he had nothing I mean I think that

if I said something like oh what kind of music are you into and then they said oh I don't really like music I'd go okay I've got other things we can talk about but this guy was like I don't know what to do now. You've given me nothing. And I was just like, how do you get through your life like that? Look, number one, Dan, fuck that guy, all right? If he's listening in right now, fuck you, all right? You're bringing this country down.

Number two, you're totally right. You know, as you say, like, if I met someone, I love music so much. I think it's the closest thing to spirituality on earth. If someone said to me, I don't like music, I'd be able to at least discuss the fact they don't like music i wouldn't be incredulous uh we'd just be talking but when you meet these people and they're like what team do you support mate and you're like i don't support a team they look at you like you've got the bubonic plague they look at you that like you've murdered children and i'm just like i haven't got a team i mean if you want me to go into it i can give you an hour- I'm just like I haven't got a team I mean if you want

me to go into it I can give you an hour-long rant on why I haven't got a team I decide not to have a team I don't want to join this this this football fascism literally this this fascist intent not not obviously real fascism but there's this kind of attitude that says you will have a team who is your team who did your father support who do you support now and and as you say like this inability to actually talk about anything else for a lot of football fans well I think the one thing that really disturbs me is is there's a lot of really smart people out there who've got really interesting jobs who read a lot of books who basically are loving life but they themselves have decided to fill 80%

of their available grey matter with football facts. And I think that's what really, this isn't a class thing, because I get it. Especially, you know, like I'm of a certain age. I grew up when if you were white and working class, you had a team and you had to deal with it. That whole middle class football phenomena really kind of started in the 90s.

And that's what I don't get now. These people who've studied for years, who themselves can't talk about anything other than football. It's actually really disturbing. And I'm not saying it needs to be stopped. We really need to look like, oh my God, lockdown, no football. Talk about, it's been glorious my friend

high five on that one yeah I definitely feel like a bit of relief when the season ends and I just think I don't have to listen to people talking about this stuff anymore yeah it's a very bizarre thing and also I think the culture around talking about football is so much more than any other sport like you know football phoning programs like you don't really get those about other sports you know if someone turns up and it's like oh we've got Bill from Dagenham here he's going to tell us about his thoughts on Arsenal's back four or whatever and you're like I don't in anything that I'm interested in I want to hear the opinions of someone who knows about it I don't care what some guy off the street thinks about

you know their defensive problems or something but that seems really peculiar to football there's other sports you kind of go that was the game let's listen to some reasonable experts discuss it based on their knowledge and history within the sport was football you're like anyone off the street want to shout on the over the radio you know it's bewildering dude like you never get someone off the street going look i really want to discuss federer's calves at the moment. You know, like his leg strength at the moment. You're totally right. It's only football that gets everyone going for it.

As I said, you know what? I'm going to use this word again. It's football fascism. You will talk about the calves. You will talk about their diets. You will talk about management style. You will talk about the fact the stadium's really old and maybe that's affecting it.

You will talk about, you know, it's just ridiculous. And I think on top of that, it hurts me. Like, look, I'm not an expert on history, but I totally get that whole thing. When I was young and I learned about the Romans and I learned about, you know, gladiators, I got it. got it it was literally like well they did this so the poor people didn't revolt it was entertainment for the masses when i look at football bruv i feel there's some kind of i don't need i hate conspiracy theorists but i'm going to start one today i feel like up there in

some capitalist wizard of Oz set up, there's a little guy behind the curtain going, I will stop revolt against capitalism. I will feed them football. I will take men of party age and make them discuss, you know, as you mentioned, defensive postures and why Arsenal aren't doing good in the second half of the season. I almost feel like forget your 5G,

causing coronavirus, forget your flat earthers, there is something really strange going on. Them, the elite, be brought off revolting from the working classes by feeding them football, this drug. I mean, this is ridiculous. This is what it is. Football is basically a cosh, a mental cosh, to stop us from having a revolution it's true you get all these people

talking about fluoride in the water system but I mean yeah you don't have to go to the effort when you've got football do you I'll eat it more than I've ever hated it right now no it's very good I mean I remember when like you know I used to go to matches with my brother and I quite enjoyed that sort of aspect of it, like getting in the car with him and his friends and going to a match. And then when he left home, because he's a bit older than me, I just realised that without someone to sort of walk me through it and take me to a game, I was like, actually, I don't care at all. And it was such a liberating feeling to admit it to myself. It's like, you know, when you're grown up and you're like, I don't like lager that much and I don't mind saying it it's okay no one's you know I don't mind if someone takes the piss it's okay and another thing I've realized like you you're not

a massive football fan I'm not a massive football fan I thought obviously growing up I was quite metrosexual I was in touch with my feminine side obviously a lot of my friends would literally go you don't like football you You must be gay, mate. You're gay, innit? You like the dick, yeah? All right, forget Desert Island dicks, even. What's really weird now is when I do meet people who don't like football, you can't pinpoint them.

I've got a mate who comes from the east end of London who knows all these, like, like proper company bad boy gangsters. He himself goes to the gym all the time. He's from a proper British Asian, like working class background. He's in music. He's also been a bodyguard in the past and been a doorman.

He hates football too. And that's the other thing. You can't block, you can't spot a non-football fan in the crowd it's almost like a secret language between us now yeah I ain't got a team bruv I think you make a very good case for football fans going on the island with you and also that's the other thing because you'd be on the island with them and they'd be like what team do you support and that would be it for the rest of your life on the island.

You're just going to hear sort of gentle murmuring about football. So I think it's a very, very wise choice. I totally forgot about the island, but you're totally right. We don't want them on the island. It's crashing on an island, dealing with the psychological trauma of that, and then having people literally, A, talk about football. That's in the past because they crashed on an island. So they can't keep up to date with that stuff.

And then B, that whole, as I say, it's kind of fascism. It's like, you were really cool until I found out you didn't support a team. So I don't need those people. We don't need people who have willingly accepted the government elitist kosh of football on this island we want mavericks we want people eating outside the box if you like football doesn't matter how amazing you are how much money you earn what amazing job you do you're basically a follower you're you're what's what do these people sheeple that's it you're one of the sheeple. You've argued that brilliantly.

So no further questions on that, Bobby. Who would be your second choice for the island then? All right, any bastard who hates space travel. And these ones, I'm coming for these guys right now. I'm not saying they deserve to be culled en masse. But we really need to think about why these people walk amongst us okay okay so anyone who hates space travel um okay let me just deconstruct this for you all right yeah give us a lowdown it's my obsession it's my version of football but i don't go around

going don't you know about space travel mate so anyway i love looking into space travel and the reason i really like looking into it is because I'm a big fan of the Fermi paradox. All right. Now the Fermi paradox is basically, it's named after an Italian physicist who basically went, you know, all these physicists who were looking for ET

and signals in space. He literally went, if you actually look at the physics of the universe, how long it's been around, how many stars there are in the sky, how many galaxies there are in the sky, how many stars that have planets around them in the sky, there would have at least been a billion alien civilizations before even mammals took over the earth and before humans happened and homo sapiens happened. So argument is is basically the mass doesn't look good when it comes to to alien life otherwise we've been run over it thousands or millions of

years ago all right before we go jump too much into physics the point is is whether there's millions of aliens out there or there's no aliens out there either way basically we're really special all right and i don't mean that we're really special as humans what i'm saying is is if there are no aliens out there and they haven't visited then we're the only life in the universe and if we're the only life in the universe why the hell are we staying it's like it's like it's like emerging out of south africa as homo sapiens and going we're just going to stay here and if an asteroid comes along and kills us all you know it's fine the whole point of of surviving is that humans spread across the globe they got used to living

in the arctic and living in the savannas of africa and living in asia and you know south america so if there's no aliens out there it is our responsibility as the only organisms in the entire known universe to leave this planet all right yeah yeah i think that's quite a positive take on it because i think sometimes there's the if i'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute it's this sort of argument of like well let's sort out this earth first before we go and sort of colonize another one but i think you're putting it in quite a positive spin like you know let's kind of it's almost like it saves us by doing that you know yeah i mean it's this isn't about uh being a dreamer and not thinking

about this earth because you know the one argument i always come up against and this is the guy who i don't want on this desert island with me people always go oh my god there's people starving on earth and you spent this much money is getting spent going into space the whole thing is is there were people starving when we were cavemen there were people starving when we're in the iron age in the bronze age the reason humanity has survived is because not only did we try and feed ourselves we also went out there we spread ourselves we made sure that if there was a catastrophe uh you know someone attacked our village or our village burnt down or or plague

got spread that there were other humans in other parts of the world that's why as a species we didn't die out so all of this well we've got to sort out this planet first and we can't even feed everyone on this planet actually we can we can. We need to basically bring down all the governments in the world right now. There's enough food to go around. It's the system that means people are starving. And secondly, one asteroid could destroy us like they took out the dinosaurs.

And without us being on other planets, that's it. That's the end of the human race forever and possibly life in the universe forever so we have to become a multi-planetary species and that's why when someone comes along and goes oh all these rockets why the firing rockets what a waste of money i just think dude you're not getting it this is actually about survival this is the most pro-human thing anyone can do yeah yeah i like it i think the other thing is that i suppose it's like when people see a new scientific paper

on something that isn't particularly relevant to sort of human life and it's just more sort of an interesting thing and people go well you could be could be curing cancer instead of doing that and it's like well if this scientist didn't do this research it doesn't mean that he's going to suddenly go off and start curing cancer it doesn't quite work like that like if nasa stops they're probably not going to suddenly start feeding everyone like it's not going to sort of pay for loads of massive soup kitchens it's like the money will just get absorbed somewhere else but probably nowhere that useful so it's kind of you know i wish that there could be loads of funds allocated to the poor and homeless and hungry but i So it's kind of, you know, I wish that there could be loads of funds allocated to the poor and homeless and hungry,

but I think it's not going to come from NASA or space exploration. Exactly. And look, on a bottom, really building blocks child level, all right? If you stop humans from leaving this earth, it's like stopping those initial humans from leaving South Africa.

So basically what you're saying is, we don't want to evolve. And that's what I really, I think, stopping those initial humans from leaving South Africa so basically what you're saying is is we don't want to evolve and and that's what I really I think what really gets under my skin when I meet the guy who goes oh you know like it's such a waste of money I just think dude like like this is what a simplistic argument you're literally saying I don't want us to evolve I don't need us to grow I don't want us to think big I don't need us to grow. I don't want us to think big. I don't want us to be optimistic and positive. And that's what really gets to me about these people. Yeah. I mean, maybe with that sort of attitude, they'd be quite happy being on a desert island then, you know, because I just get to stay in this place and not expand my horizons.

So maybe they'd become quite an easy person to live with until you started talking about space travel. OK. All right. Fine. Touch skin, high five, fist bump on that. quite an easy person to live with until you started talking about space travel okay all right fine i'll touch skin high five fist bump on that but if i get on that desert island uh with with this dick all right at some point i want to go off and i can tell you right now someone who's easy to live with like that like that is not going to be as much help with someone who's actually going we will leave this island one day we will we dare to dream we dare to dream that we will leave this island one day and i want to be with that person even if they're even more annoying than the dick i'd rather at least work towards possibly leaving the island at some point in the future yeah yeah i think i mean human humanity needs these people like the

people that sort of i guess you know the people who dare to poke the hornet's nest and jump off something high for the first time it's that same mentality of like what if we did this you know what if we tied a rocket to ourselves and it's like i suppose that is the sort of thing that's pushing humanity forward so um yeah i think that's a good point i'd never really thought of it in that way before so uh you've brought me around to to your way of thinking now i think that's a good point. I'd never really thought of it in that way before. So you've brought me round to your way of thinking now. I think it's a good idea. And I suppose that also if they're kind of denying one aspect of human advancement, then you could also say that they're probably going to be quite small-minded in other ways as well.

No, well, look, if you don't believe in space travel, you're obviously primed for getting ripped off by fake news. If you really want to get tabloid on it you know like we're talking low hanging fruit here bruv okay and who who would be your third choice to go on the island with you all right the sheriff of nottingham all right sheriff of nottingham nice and a particular sheriff of nottingham not the one from robin hood the sheriff of nottingham, not the one from Robin Hood. The Sheriff of Nottingham, who was the Sheriff of Nottingham when I went to Nottingham Trent University.

This bastard came for me and I've never forgotten. Really? Talk us through it. This is extraordinary. The Sheriff of Nottingham, I ended up going to uni and I mashed up my first year of uni. I didn't really go to any lessons.

To cut a long story short, the sheriff of nottingham was also a lecturer lecturer on my course at uni so i used to get and he was the main lecturer the main guy and i did a communication studies degree and so he was also the sheriff and what happened was uh i didn't really go to that many lessons he obviously thought I was a bit of a dick, weirdly enough, seeing as we're talking about dicks. He thought I was a massive pulsating dick. I mean, I did wear ridiculous clothes. I'd wear makeup into class. I'd ask stupid questions about race, which wasn't being discussed then. And then on top of that, I didn't do any of my homework then the first gulf war happened all right so war in iraq and um we loved it me and my me and my

friends my close group of friends for us it was our 1968 moment do you know i mean this was the early 90s bros it was like yeah it's like vietnam bruv you know come on let's do this we're gonna we're gonna protest against this war so the night the war started and i think ituv you know come on let's do this we're gonna we're gonna protest against this war so the night the war started and I think it uh you know like America invaded Iraq this is when Saddam Hussein was in power um I look back now and I'll admit it's toe-curlingly embarrassing all right what we did was we we blasted give peace a chance from john lennon john and yoko out of our windows uh from one o'clock in the morning till six o'clock in the morning on on on on university land where there were lots of halls of residence uh and we played it again and again at full volume and then possibly

someone don't ask me how may may have introduced LSD into the situation. And all I remember after that is like kind of coming to my senses at about 8.45 in the morning, seeing lots and lots of students going to their nine o'clock lectures and looking at us and scowling at us. And me realising I was in my pyj my pajamas and underpants as were my friends and that there was a big big banner made out of hastily stitched together bed sheets saying give peace a chance hanging from our halls of residence amazing so we retired into into my bedroom and I don't know how this happened, but whilst we were, I'll just admit it, tripping off our tits, the door opened and the sheriff of Nottingham walked in

with this really red, angry face and just launched into a tirade about destruction of property. We didn't deserve to be on our, you know, degree courses. He was going to be speaking to the bursar to see if we could pay for the damage. He was thinking of calling the police. And in the middle of this tirade, he just looked over at me and went, you're one of mine, aren't you?

You! You're one of mine! As in, I was one of his students. And I kind of went, me went and um that was it after that i never went to his class again every time he saw me uh on he would on um on university property he would scowl his face would go red and he'd be grunting and and moaning with hate against me and i remember at that time thinking, look, all I did was possibly drop acid during the first Gulf War

and destroy university property. I didn't do that much. Oh, and I didn't go to any of your lessons. And the only way to psychologically survive this entire episode was to paint myself as some kind of latter-day Robin Hood to everybody. So fuck the Sheriff of Nottingham, fuck him and his merry men and all his bastards

and all the people he had ranged up against me. Fuck off back to Sherwood Forest. Fuck off you dick. You're not crashing in this plane with me. That is extraordinary. I mean, I don't think I can better the sentence than standing there was the Sheriff of Nottingham. I mean, that was superb. That's so good. I mean, I didn't before.

So when you first said the Sheriff of Nottingham, I assume you're going to sort of talk about, you know, the one, you know, from Robin Hood. And that was the sort of thing like oh yeah he actually existed and he did all this bad stuff back in those days and treated the poor very badly but I don't know there was still a Sheriff of Nottingham that you could get in scrapes with and end up tangled you know becoming your become your sort of modern day adversary well he was also a Labour councillor and I think the Sheriff of Nottingham is purely ceremonial but but he came for me brother he came for me and uh admittedly maybe looking at his face after LSD had been administered did make him look not just evil but like like like a massive monstrous bastard out to kill me and it may have shaped my feelings

towards him but he's not getting on that plane and we're not crashing together wow yeah because i mean sharing an island with someone who has that much of a dislike of you i mean that's just going to simmer away forever you're never you're never talking that one through no exactly and he'll there's an inherent power relationship there as well like like he'll always see me as the guy who messed up his degree course he messed up his halls of residence because he also kind of was the guy who looked after the halls of residence and not young trent universe like yeah just just no and i'm sure there are a lot of daddy issues involved in there as well uh from my from my end so i don't need that shit wow that is superb i mean isn't it so i mean because we've all had sort of like run-ins with people at uni or school or at work or whatever, but just everything would be made so much better as a story if those people had titles like Sheriff of Nottingham.

It just makes everything so much better, doesn't it, in retrospect? It does. And it also validates, no matter how shitty your response is, it validates those responses. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Bobby, that is superb. Right, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Okay, so the first thing I'm going to say is lentils, all right? And the reason I say lentils, because I would never call them lentils at home. This is stuff I've grown up with. It's dal, all right? And I come, you know, I have a British Asian heritage. I've grown up. And I'm not going to do that whole thing of, oh, you've got to taste my mum's cooking.

It's sick, bruv. And you know what? What do you white people do to our food? What have you done? You've blanded it. But basically, that is possibly a brick in the wall uh in my in my rant against lentils i mean i didn't even know what lentils were until i got to uni and a lot of my my white friends were like oh we're cooking lentils tonight bobby oh i think

you'll absolutely love these lentils we love lentils how does your mom cook lentils i'm like what the fuck is a lentil bruv right and then i had aforementioned lentils from my white friends at uni and i suddenly realized forget indian takeaways and and restaurants forget the home cooking my mum does which is completely different there's a third grouping and what i would call it is it's white middle class indian food it's the stuff they do at home and they've actually been doing since since the days of the raj it's literally middle-class Indian food. It's the stuff they do at home and they've actually been doing since the days of the Raj. It's literally, even though I do quite like coronation chicken sandwiches,

it's what's come out of that whole coronation chicken sandwich mashup situation. So I don't mind coronation chicken, but you get what I'm saying. It's that slight application of something slightly Asian and they've gone, this is amazing. So all those lentils I had at uni were slop. There was no spices.

There wasn't, it was just basically the lentils I had at home, the dal I had at home mixed with water, maybe a tiny bit of oxo, you know, it's just horrific, horrific bastardization of food so this isn't some massive cultural empowerment trip this isn't about brown lives mattering or brown food

mattering it's literally it's all fine i love the interplay between cultures i love what happens to food pizzas are amazing look at what america's done to so many of the food that's traveled there look at what britain's done so many of the so much of the food even chicken tikka masala you know all of that kind of stuff but when white people get their hand on lentils that's when their mad whiteness comes out and basically I will not have that slop that my white brothers and sisters the middle class end of that spectrum due to lentils i can't imagine anything worse than having that food on that desert island yeah you met your reasoning is very sound i think yeah it's one of those things like certain ingredients need to be touched by

the right hands you know and i think i'd like i'd add the humble chickpea in there as well. You know, like a chickpea curry I can really get on board with. But chickpeas any other way is a lot less appealing to me. You know, and I think it's that you just need that sort of deft touch and a bit of spice and a bit of know-how, you know, because otherwise, you know, there's not a lot to work with. You know, I always find reversing reverse psychology always really works. So dal, when it comes to asian cuisine, lentils are a really important part especially when you come from India

you know less so maybe Bangladesh and Pakistan where fish is really big in Bangladesh and meats really big in Pakistan but in India everyone eats dal so I'm going to reverse it now. I love a British breakfast. Yeah. So can you imagine anyone fucking with the British breakfast to such an extent where you're literally like, that don't taste like sausages anymore. That doesn't even taste like eggs. You know, like you don't mess with the great British breakfast and woe betide anyone who does. And I will set the sheriff of Nottingham upon them right. I will destroy that person and the same comes goes with lentils. It's not up for evolution you know I mean it's not up for some cross-cultural mixing let's create something new oh my god this is amazing food's always been evolutionary yeah it's amazing when cultures mix together yes but you do not mess

with the great British breakfast and you do not mess with lentils bro it's a it's a good rallying war cry and i mean badly cooked lentils on a desert island as well if that's all you've got to eat i mean that's that's hard work isn't it that's it man i mean look i i i've seen those really badly scripted channel four and channel five reality shows when they strand them on a desert island look at what happens to them whilst they're eating coconuts and plants they literally want to kill each other the moment they catch a fish everyone's happy all right i don't want to be ending up having those lentils and going what is it coconut but no no lentils and and the deeper vibe which is basically um i'm not saying that there's a place

where privilege should stop or evolution should stop, but you do not touch certain things. Like, you can't out-sausage a sausage. You can't make a sausage something new. A sausage is a sausage. Dahl is dahl. Don't give me lentils, bitch. It's a Victorian attitude towards food that makes those lentils

don't bring back the raj queen victoria's history fuck off bitch no i think i'm totally with you i think it makes a lot of sense and uh i mean i lived in brighton for a number of years so i mean i was getting a lot of lentils thrown at me at that point and um yeah not not a patch on a good doll so you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Yeah, I agree. And what would you wash those down with?

All right. We need to talk about gin. All right. And I'm very pained that gin, the bastard drink of horrible people for many years, is suddenly trendy. Why? How have they done this to gin? Plus, on top of that that gin doesn't suit me. gin when i say it doesn't suit me it's really bad psychologically speaking. so let me just pick this apart. number one all right i grew up in an era when gin was i think it's called mother's little helper right it's kind of kind of 1950s housewife kind of drink all right and being of Sikh heritage or should i say Punjabi heritage you know and growing up in a house where everyone drinks i did it all i had the whiskey had the vodkas you know tried everything gin was the

only drink i tried and just went that's a disgusting drink so that's then and that's fine because when i was growing up it was kind of like you don't need to like gin because gin's basically 1950s housewife material all right secondly i then tried gin on a couple of other situations where you're on an all-nighter and basically someone goes i've only got gin left bruv and you go all right let's drink it so gin's the only drink that gives me a hangover so bad that i want to kill everyone within 20 feet and then kill myself for good measure and it's not just oh it's not a

good hangover i i don't know what property in gin kind of interacts with what part of my dna but i wake up and i start crying i mean it's literally the difference between night and day. I don't have a hangover. I have a post drinking breakdown. So it really doesn't suit me. It basically depresses me. And you know, when you hear these horror stories of people taking acid or smoking skunk and basically essentially being sectioned and having mental massive mental health breakdowns the moment they've had that stuff. That's what happens with me and gin. I can't stop the crying.

I'm literally in a space of mental anxiety until the hangover lifts. So, no gin, please. It does sort of feel kind of like the British national spirit, isn't it? And the British national drink would sort of be associated

with being really depressed and miserable you know it kind of fits doesn't it it does fit and I think you know we shouldn't get depressed about it though because come on we're also the the the island that had Scotland that had whiskey and you know whiskey is one of the most amazing things things that's ever happened to human society i can deal with gin being horrible in the devil's work with the fact that we also are the home of whiskey and also come on let's face it we're the great one one of the greatest beer drinking nations on earth i can deal with gin basically fucking off forever i mean i'm i'm not that fussy in general about food and drink so

i mean i can enjoy gin but i remember the first time i drank it and it's like you know when you're sort of you know you're maybe in your teenage years and things like you know you're sort of getting used to things like shaving and aftershave and like grown-up stuff like that and i remember sort of trying some gin at a party and just sniffing it and i thought someone was doing a practical joke on me because I swear it was just aftershave because it was like everyone's cheap aftershave that you wore as a teenager and then and I just could and I was like no but seriously you can't and then I saw someone else drinking it I was like don't drink that it's aftershave man just because I just couldn't get my head around it for quite a long time until eventually you kind of get used to that sort of that taste but um yeah I mean it is it is a strong one I mean I'm sort of more of a vodka drinker so every now

and again I switch back to gin and tonic you have to sort of recalibrate a little bit just to sort of get your tongue around it again there's definitely um a familial resonance between vodka and gin because the other drink that gets me depressed but not on these levels is vodka but saying that I'd need to drink like four vodka shots and then I'm very aware the next day that the hangover is particularly awful and I'm feeling a bit teary gin's different gin you know if I listen mate if you find out I murdered someone I want you to phone the police and go you need I need to tell you about Bobby's gin problem probably involved and one last thing about gin um i'm not into having to go to generations i'm generation x i'm not gonna have a go at the boomers or the millennials or or generation y or the new generation z whatever they're called but i think it's very telling that the millennials

brought gin back into vogue and now i've been at someone's house they're like this is gin and it's been infused with lavender and it's amazing and i'm just like which bastard generation has tried to resurrect gin because we need to cleanse the earth of this generation as well as the gin i do think it's got a bit of a problem hasn't it it's like you know i like it but i don't like all the stuff that goes with it it's sort of like it's got a bit of a problem, hasn't it? It's like, you know, I like it, but I don't like all the stuff that goes with it. It's sort of like, it's got this whiff of kind of tweed waistcoat about it and kind of, you know, sort of people that have, you know, grown up in the city,

but suddenly wearing kind of like tweed trousers and socks pulled up and sort of riding a bicycle and this sort of faux English gentleman kind of look. It's quite weird. And drinking it out of those enormous glasses as well, it's just like a thing these days. Yeah, fucking enormous glasses, mate. Sorry, I'm not even thinking about the twee English gentleman now.

Those enormous glasses need to be smashed against the rocks. Fair enough. Well, I'll distract you from the gin for a minute because fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one's your least favorite film of all time and the other's your least favorite song what are they and why all right so we'll go to the song in a minute because music is my life and um um i found it very hard to even name. I've just got this. Anyway, we'll go to music in a minute. So, when it comes to movies, basically, fuck the Goonies.

The Goonies. This is quite a controversial one, I think, Bobby. Well, look, I don't know why. Maybe I was protesting against the first Iraq war. I don't know what was happening. I mean, Goonies is like mid-'80s, right? So, I would have been... Okay, so I would have been the right age. You mean, Goonies is like mid 80s, right? So I would have been okay, so I would have been the right age. You know, my teenage years were the 80s.

I don't know why I just didn't see it. And I was watching a lot of movies in the 80s. I've seen every other teen movie from the 80s. Watched it all in the cinema. I didn't see the Goonies. So it's just one of those things, it drops off my radar. And it was literally only about I don't know 15 years ago when when people or 10 years ago when people started putting stuff on social media anyone remember the Goonies? anyone remember this character using that Goonies font that weird fat kid that horrible monster with a kind of side face you know I don't even know the names of these people, alright? And suddenly I'm like,

what is this movie? How come everyone knows every line from it? And how come it's turned into this really cool, let's put it on a t-shirt and make a meme out of it? First of all, you know, I completely missed it, so I have no idea what happened there.

And secondly, I then tried to watch it. Fucking hell, what a shit movie. I mean, I hate the fact that people, I'm not saying Mark Cuomo thinks this is his best movie, but people with rigorous intellects who enjoy cinema tell you how like, oh, well, this really exemplifies the great teen movies of the 80s. What a great kind of snapshot of the 80s what a what a what a

great kind of snapshot of the times we lived in and and this this pre pre-tech i'm just like no it's a shit movie cry kid that's what the 80s was about cry kid the breakfast club when did the goonies sneak in there and also back to football all right when you say the goonies ain't great these bastards react like you've literally attacked their mother what you know who are these these they are the hezbollah of cinema these goonies fans literally want to come for you what is wrong with these people so fuck the goonies fuck the font all right especially fuck the font of the goonies fuck the crap t-shirts most of all fuck that weird monster with the weird side in fact you know what i really don't like about that monster i feel like they're taking the piss

in a really weird 80s way out of deformity and that's what i hate as well right okay okay yeah i think there's something sort of some films when you watch when you're young i mean there's loads of films that i haven't seen for some reason like i haven't seen mary poppins or et loads of big films yeah exactly and then the people say well you you should watch it now and i'm like well no because i reckon you probably liked it at the time because it is a good film but and if you watched it again as an adult, you would remember everything you liked about it. But if I come to it as a 38-year-old man and watch it for the first time,

I don't know if that's going to, it's going to quite work. Do you know what I mean? And I think it's something about those films. Sometimes you should enjoy the films of your childhood and then just never think of them again or never watch them again. Just enjoy the memories. You've made a really important point there.

You've called it a film of your childhood. and if people have seen it when they're children fine i get it you love it what i don't understand about the goonies specifically amongst all those other 80s films is that it's always held up as a really ironic and cool in retrospect and that's what i don't understand like you know the lost boys from the 80s all right i get that it was cool at the time if you look at it now it's really like oh my god this isn't good this is Hollywood trying to approximate cool but you get that and you can watch it and go this is a particular genre what I don't get about the Goonies is it's not just a childhood thing that you've mentioned people will turn around and go no it's a cult movie and there's certain things that make a cult movie a

cult movie the goonies isn't a cult movie and once again like i would understand it's cultness it's lost boysness or even it's it's breakfast clubness if it was like that but it's not it's literally a spielberg movie it's not even that cool and once again it's the al-qaeda of of 80s movies fans who want to behead you for saying you don't like it that i really really have issues with i wonder if it's sometimes people just kind of like a sort of film because it's almost like wearing a badge of what they sort of believe in like i remember watching a i remember seeing this guy at a festival and he had a t-shirt on that said nobody puts baby in the corner on it and that was it and i just thought you you're just trying to look like a sensitive man so a girl's going to come up to you and go oh i love dirty dancing

and he's going to go yeah me too and then they're going to have sex do you know what i mean it's like there's like a very sort of um uh what sort of cynical sort of appropriation of the idea of that film and i wonder if people are doing it about the goonies like hey i like the goonies i like just jetting off with my friends and sort of fun loving and going on adventures and just like you know i'm part of a crazy ragtag group of mates you know i mean maybe they're sort of part of their brains appropriating the concept of the goonies or something? Yeah, probably. But I don't get it. I don't think it's a great movie. I don't think it's a cult movie. I don't think... I was there at the time and it missed me. All right. And basically, the fact that I didn't hear about it throughout the 90s or even when I was 20

or 25 and only started hearing about it over the past 10 years says to me that it's been resurrected for the wrong reasons it's not a true resurrection it's not a true cult movie I almost feel like someone somewhere in on a computer on a on a on a wall on a message board somewhere really went for the goonies and went yes it's the Goonies we need in our life right now and basically everyone's just been too afraid to to kick back against it and now actually it's a scene at this massive cult movie and it doesn't deserve our status and one last thing that thing you said about that guy at the festival I've been that guy at that festival but I didn't wear a t-shirt what I do is just basically and this is just natural to me I'm

maybe you may not see it now but like I'm quite feminine sometimes and I've always found not in some cynical way that always helps always used to help at least in my 20s with the ladies at festivals I'm not going to mention about sleeping with them because that obviously didn't happen okay well I think as i said i think it's going to be a controversial choice but i mean that's kind of what this podcast is all about so i look forward to seeing what happens when you drop this uh this hand grenade uh on the goonie so uh i'm i'm into it and uh i remember enjoying it but as i said i'm probably not going to revisit it so that i can continue to enjoy it in my head but I think you make you make good points um and moving on to your song what would that be all right so um I don't

believe in genocide I think it's awful you know we think about man's inhumanity to man obviously uh murdering someone is the worst thing you can do and uh there's just something about the lighthouse family that makes me feel murderous in intent it brings some stuff that i think me as a physical manifestation of life on earth it brings up stuff that's been buried since even pre-neanderthal times i feel like getting a club I feel like going and beating my chest chasing down members of the lighthouse family especially the bloody singer and clubbing them to death in the most vicious way possible for the track lifted so look music is my life and I've always had this very evangelical approach to the radio shows

i do for the bbc i honestly believe that you know music is the thing it's all those cliches it bring cultures together and you can't quite describe it it's different than other forms of art it's been around longer than theater and and a lot of these other forms of art and music essentially can you know lift you out of the physical world within one second and transport you. it literally astrally projects you into other worlds. it can bring down the three dimensions we live in right now and put you into a multi-dimensional universe the music is powerful and the one thing when you're a radio presenter you get a lot of oh my god I can't believe you're playing that it's shit play this instead and you what usually

happens over time and I see this with a lot of radio presenters is you get to that whole uh if beauty's in the eye of the beholder the music is in the ear of the beholder kind of vibe where you just basically don't ever have a go at anyone for hating on a track because you suddenly realize all music's literally completely objective but the lighthouse family exists inside that that that actual physical space all right because when i hear lifted i want to get lifted from the shadows i just like it just reminds me of the worst kind of music i feel like they sat there in the studio and literally came up with their own building block maths and said what's the kind of track that will get us into the charts right now what track will get us into the charts what track will appeal to the vast

majority of people they don't have to like it they just have to kind of like it and then also when i think about the people who really like the lighthouse family i think about all the middle managers all the david brents all the people i used to work with before I started radio, when I did work in IT recruitment, when I did basically flirt with the ideas of working in sales and trainee kind of estate agents, it just makes me think of absolute wankers. Again, very, very well put. I agree with you completely.

I think that the Lighthouse family, it's like for people who like music, but not that much. They just want it on in the background and they're never going to buy any music. They just want a stream of something that's never going to get the pulse racing or make them feel anything, which

is the antithesis of what music should be. It's like the art on the wall of a McDonald's. It's like, I suppose technically it is art because someone's made it and it's a picture but actually you know it's worthless basically oh a beautiful beautiful metaphor there you're totally right it is the musical the audio and oral equivalent of a piece of artwork in in McDonald's what's really mad about that particular track um is I've been in spaces when people say oh I love this is my tune I really like it and you know what it is it's always the same people who live their life by designer gear as well and

when I think about designer clothes I'm not talking about someone enjoying a pair of say night trainers or someone even going out going look I saw this amazing clothes, I'm not talking about someone enjoying a pair of, say, night trainers or someone even going out going, look, I saw this amazing Gucci jacket. I don't buy that much designer gear, but look at that jacket. It's a one-off, isn't it? It looks amazing. I'm talking about people who literally only live in a designer world. For me, they're the new slaves, all right? You know, forget slaves during Roman times.

This is being being wanting asking begging to be marked and that's exactly what those designer logos are they are marks of ownership from these massive corporate capitalist companies who've managed to even take the art out of fashion and turned it into some mad ownership thing and it's always those people who have literally are decked head to toe in designer gear, who live designer lives, who even have designer wallpaper, not even expensive designer stuff. They just need to be owned. They need to have a branded egg mixer. They need to have a branded knife.

You know, they need a branded handbag. They need a branded handbag they need a branded wallet those people literally go down on their knees quivering and start orgasming when lifted all right comes on the radio and i think that's what i really hate about it as well it's like all of us are trying to live better lives we're trying to love our fellow man but there is a gene inside of us which makes us want to kill the other tribe and kill the the the you know the the other neanderthals who live on the other side of the forest and i've really got that gene under control that song the people who like that song need to be cold now i think i think i mean again i think you're absolutely right but what's really

frustrating sometimes about music like that is that you know that it's bland enough that it'll always do really well and be around forever on radio playlists like you know once it's not even like music that people will sort of own on cd or anything or like what cds these days but like people won't own that music they'll just kind of it will just exist on a radio playlist and it'll probably do quite well with the sort of people that don't really care about music so it will always live there like you know you some have an easy listening station on and you're like oh god I thought this song had gone away forever but it's living here it's hiding away on this sort of smooth playlist. That's where it is.

You bastards. You kept it alive. Oh, God. It's smooth. Forget the station. It's smooth. Even that is a massive indictment. And for the purposes of research, even though I knew the track and it came into my head straight away,

I went and listened to it on my phone last night. And I never realised. And I'm sorry to say this because I'm sure he's probably been operatically trained and has got an amazing career writing hits for other people but the guy who sung it has got such a bad voice we gotta get left from the shadow it's like ah it's a man it's a man literally trying to paint beige atoms across the known universe by himself. Oh, man.

And being stuck with that as well. Can you imagine just that? I mean, it's so bland. It would sort of, I mean, it's a good one for, it's like a torture technique, isn't it? You know, the sort of thing that in hostage negotiations, they blast at the walls until people just come out screaming to sort of weaken people before they submit oh god seriously if i was working for psyops for the american government or even the

chinese government i would put that as number one do not touch only only the three admirals have got the codes for this one because Because this is serious, bruv. Two people turning a key at the same time on different sides of the room. Like the nuclear code. We're going nuclear, mate. What? You're actually releasing the missile? Yes, we're releasing.

We're releasing lifted. And also, think about it on a desert island. Like, can you imagine that that that beige that beige really limp cautal arms come on we gotta get lifted let's go oh don't be down let's get lifted you would literally smash up the audio system on the plane on the desert island and then yeah it's going it's going and some of the singers and so the people who signed the A&R guys who signed it deserve having their throats lit I'm sorry yeah it's like being sort of I don't know being drowned in marshmallows or being stabbed by a teddy bear or something it's so sort of you know it's something seemingly very tame but like

very pernicious and evil um yeah I think that's a very wise choice and I think very few people disagree with that so uh good um now Bobby finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why well it looks like a dick it glistens like a dick i haven't tasted one but i'm sure it tastes like dick as well um the humble british slug okay yeah fair enough good choice god so first of all like that these are and this is the animal kingdom we can't attack them i was thinking about this like i love octopuses i love jellyfish i love elephants i love tigers i nearly put the hyena in there just because there's something really horrible about hyenas face yeah and when you've seen these nature documentaries and like you get

a crowd of hyenas tacking a proud lion and you're like bitch there's nothing even cool about you hyenas you basically wait they're like debt collection agencies they prey on other people's downfall so the hyena nearly went in there and then i realized i've never met a hyena i've not been across the you know uh the wilds of africa maybe they're really cool maybe it's just the fact they've got been across the you know uh the wilds of africa maybe they're really cool make this just the fact they've got a face that you want to slap uh that makes them a bit annoying slugs on the other hand right think about everything that we go through in britain you get a ladybird in the house all right fine what a lovely ladybird you get a moth in the

house some people don't like moths all right butterflies are beautiful a fly can come in a bee is beautiful. A wasp comes in. You fucking little fat of a wasp. Fuck off. I hate you wasp. But it's fine.

You walk into your kitchen in the morning and this is the next thing. How do slugs get in your house? Because every now and again, once every three years, you'll find a slug with a slimy trail

across your rug. A slug on a rug. How do you get into the house? And when you look at a slug on a rug how did you get into the house and when you look at a slug it's got hot marks there's a section a section that's got those lines on it why are those lines parallel compared to you know like you know i mean it doesn't even look real it looks like a penis a lot of the time it's purple it's a purple headed mountain of a penis looking animal it leaves a slimy trail.

I've never... Look, I'm sure somewhere there's a gardener going, if it weren't for slugs, we wouldn't have gardens. I'm sure we wouldn't have gardens. But everything about a slug makes me want to fucking kill it. Yeah, no, I'm 100%. 100%. I think... Do you know what?

And I'm so grateful you mentioned about slugs getting in the kitchen because this happened to me and I was like, I can't tell you. It's like my dirty secret because I was like, look, I clean the house. I don't know what it is. Why is this happening to me? It can't happen to anyone else. And I've been, it's like a secret shame, but I'm so relieved that you've said that. And like, yeah, where do they come from? I don't know what, and what are they for? Like, at least with a snail, there's some kind of, you know, like the shell is beautiful. I quite like the way that they can just sort of retract back inside

and be all compact and then pop out again. They're two antlers. They're two little eyes. Yeah, it's quite cute, isn't it? But like a slug is just, it's like all the bad bits and there's just no beauty. And it's just, yeah, what the fuck are they for? I don't think we'd miss them.

You know, I think maybe they help decompose things. But I'm sure that things would just rot away without them. I don't think we need them that much. And do you know what I mean about, I mean, forget the stuff from when you're young. You don't know what you're looking at. But there is some kind of aversion when you're a kid. Because it does look like a penis. I was saying that when the first time I saw a penis uh in terms of graphic level when i was a teenager and i went oh it looks like a

slug but there's it's that shape and it's the way it moves and and i mentioned those parallel lines because often you'll get slugs where there's sections of its body that don't look like other sections of its body so it's still a whole slug but then they'll have a bit where there's just lines there. And you're like, is that the front of the slug? Is that the back of the slug? Where's the eyes? You know, like, there's just something really weird about them. And the slime and, you know,

sneaking into people's houses and fucking us up. And, yeah, you know, like, I hate slugs. And here's the last thing, all right? When you think about the Chinese eating dogs, and of course, not all Chinese eat dogs. When you think about people eating dogs, and when people go, well, can you believe it? Someone eats a horse.

And then someone goes, well, some people in France do eat horses. You get into this mental kind of debate in your head that, well, even food's objective. Because if you go to the far east they'll eat insects and now they've got all these debates about how insects are good sources of protein so you you can't eat these things but you get that certain nations have food yeses and no's yeah that food is objective so you will go fine i would never eat a horse but it it's obviously not wrong to eat a horse unless you shouldn't eat any animals because the french can eat a horse all

right i'll give you in my culture my mom used to make brains uh like i think there were goats brains when i was young it's just a kundjabi dish so i know people who would vomit before they ate brains but i've eaten brains and i then look at the chinese would never eat a dog and i'm not supporting dog eating i'm just saying psychologically you can kind of account for why people eat certain things and so ahead you can go i'll never eat an insect but i get why they eat insects telling you now there ain't no culture on this earth that eats slugs all right that culture eats slugs get rid of that culture yeah exactly they're just there's nothing good about them at all and yeah i think you know what he firmly whittingstall who tries to eat everything he sees i saw a program with him once and he was like oh slugs are taking

over my garden i wonder if i can eat them and even he i've seen him eat you know squirrels and and all kinds of stuff even he was just like no it can't be done i've tried it it's disgusting it's not worth it wow well there you go there you go fuck slugs man well bobby do you know what i think you've put together an amazingly uh a diverse and yet uh reasoned uh bunch of things and people for the island and uh you've made a brilliant arguments for each so thank you very much for coming on today thank you so much for uh breaking my hippie bubble that i've carefully constructed and made me realize that i have vast rivers of hate running within this this continent i call my body thank you well you know what now that now that you've kind of released them like

a safety valve maybe you've sort of purged what you need to, and you can go back to a harmonious lifestyle. Yeah. Bye-bye. Thank you. Now, Bobby, obviously people can catch you on your radio show on the Asian Network. Where else is a good place to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to?

Most definitely BBC Asian Network, Monday to Thursday, basically three hours. People think it's just a Bollywood show, and that's what Asian music is. There's dubstep, there's drum and bass, there's experimental electronica, all of it coming out of South Asia. So that happens four nights

a week on the BBC Asian Network and then I'm always popping up on people's podcasts. I'm always writing about Asian music in various publications and you might even see me on TV every now and again. And if you do want to go and check out this history of British Asian Bungra music, it's available on YouTube right now, made for BBC for an hour-long documentary,

which also tells the social and musical history of British Asians in the 70s, 80s and 90s. So check it out if you can. Yeah, I was watching that the other day, actually, and it is brilliant. So I definitely recommend people go and check that out. Bobby, thank you again for spending time with us today. It's been a pleasure. Thanks a lot, bro. Thank you for today.

Bye.