Desert Island Dicks - BOBBY MAIR

Episode Date: February 13, 2022

Bobby Mair is the name of the man joining us on this episode of Desert Island Dicks, so pull over safely, turn the engine off and listen good. Or, if you're not driving, then just listen good. Thanks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode we have Bobby Mair and he's funny, so you should listen. And then you should also look him up and see him being funny in other contexts because that's kind of what he does as a comedian. What am I going to say here? Well, probably just the usual thing of, you know, it's really great if you can subscribe to the podcast.

Thank you to those of you who have. Thank you to those of you who have left a review. That's really nice if you do that. And, you know, it's boring, isn't it, saying this all the time because I know that all podcast people say it and the reason is because because of things like charts and stuff like that you end up inextricably linked in a weird sort of competition with each other not really with each other but when you're all jostling for position it makes a big difference so it's a really nice way of supporting us you know we don't have a

patron or anything like that or patreon i never know how to say it patreon we don't have one anyway um so it's useful instead of paying us any money if you could just leave us a review and a rating that would be lovely i think that's all i'm going to say here so let's just get on with the podcast shall we here it is then it's Desert Island Dicks with Bobby Mair. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Bobby Mair. How you doing? I'm good. How are you?

Yeah, not bad. Not bad. Yeah, ready to get stuck into some dicks, I think. I think I have a good sense of what would be my worst time on an island. Okay. Good, good. I mean, in general, are you someone who sort of finds it easy to, are you a ranty person? So I'm someone who goes for me, like, I feel like I don't have a good middle ground. Like I go from like having a really nice, normal time to just getting quite angry. I definitely like kind of just avoid people who make me angry, but this is the opposite. I'll be surrounded by people and things that

make me very unhappy. Well, let's get stuck into it then. Who's going to be your first choice joining you on the island? Okay, so my plane's crashed. i'm assuming i'm uninjured yeah i think the first person who's probably near me is pierce morgan yeah okay solid choice now it's not that like i don't think pierce morgan is the worst person it's more how he's going to interact with my other choices but he is one of the worst people in that he's very opinionated. Yeah. I do disagree with most of his opinions. It's more, you don't want to be trapped on an island with someone who constantly is telling you what they think and what they think you should do and how they think. And I feel like he'd be quite bossy.

Like I would just be told what to do all the time. Yeah. I don't react well to authority and i feel like he'd really try to assert himself as an authority figure yeah and i think also someone he's probably someone who sort of really gets a kick out of just sort of being a pain in the ass doesn't like he wouldn't kind of think okay we're all equal now let's just muck in and get on with it he'd he'd love to just keep stirring shit i think he'd just come up with a nickname for you like like calling you a fucking loser or something and then he'd say it all the time and laugh to himself he's definitely someone who can laugh at his own jokes which i don't think i could handle

for a long period of time yeah a previous guest dom jolly said he was actually on a plane with him going somewhere and piers morgan turned to him right right the plane goes down now which one of us is going to make the front page? And there's such an insight into how he thinks. It's like, he's going, which one of us is the more famous man? Yes. And there's no fame on an island. You're just on an island.

But that's it. I think for most of us, we'd be like, okay, we're equal now. But I think with him, he would still be the more famous, important person, even if you were on an island. Yeah. he would still be the more famous important person even if you were on an island yeah because he's someone who kind of clearly enjoys just winding up people on purpose like oh you're you're a young man you're probably a snowflake uh i'm gonna say some shit to get on your nerves you know even when it's like you don't need to do that but that's his little sport isn't it yeah it's not helpful we're trying to survive on an island and he's just going to keep trying to assert his ego and like energy into every interaction and i think it would just be

draining yeah and he's pretty old let's not like he's not old but he must be pushing 50 at least oh i think at least he's not going to be the most agile man. Yeah, yeah. I mean, in some ways, it would be useful having someone on the island that you want to kill quite quickly because it's just one less mouth to feed. You can potentially eat them, but it would be nicer if you've got an extra pair of hands rather than, you know, that could help you. That's like a month's food, which is good if you're starving. I think I could eat Pierce for a month, but it's not enough that it's worth

having him around i agree well it is a solid start to uh your island um who's going to be joining you who's your second choice my second choice is owen jones okay so he's very much like the anti pierce morgan now it's not that i i i agree with a lot of what Owen Jones says. Sometimes I don't agree with him. But again, quite preachy. You know, it seems like the media is just filled with people these days. It's just like everyone has such strong opinions. And I think my worst nightmare would they would just argue every day, all day. It's not Owen Jones. It's more the combination of Owenen jones and pierce morgan

in the same place together for the rest of my life oh yeah listening to them talk about where they think you know owen jones would think we should just eat macadamia nuts and leave the animals alone whereas pierce would want to kill like every elk and wear it as a hat and you just have to navigate these situations where both of them are annoying but both of them like won't stop trying to be right oh yeah there's no chance that they're not gonna just be at each other the whole time like i mean it's just very tiring for any of that any person who's constantly on on their soapbox that much yeah they don't really offer it doesn't seem like they offer much even they're not like

this is how the world should be they're just like this is what's wrong and uh i really feel like you don't need criticism on an island yeah i don't need a running commentary on what i'm doing wrong i just need someone to help me build my cabin yeah definitely i don't know i just imagine a scenario where you kind of go okay guys i'm gonna go and look on the other side of the island for firewood or like animals to kill or something like that they'd start arguing when you left and you'd come back from your expedition two days later dragging like a pig through the sand and they're still just on that point about sort of well you you want to turn the uk into venezuela it's like, we're not in the UK anymore, please.

We are on this island now, please. Both of your dreams for a utopia are not going to come true. We just need to get through this. I mean, in fact, you know, you've got a chance at starting a utopia from scratch, but it's not going to be possible because you've got both of them on it. So, you know.

I mean, and also Owen again. Owen, he's not going to be possible because you've got both of them on it so yeah you know i mean and also owen again owen he's not a big guy there's not much to eat if i wanted to kill and eat him so you know those two together would just i think that would be just so painful like they there there's nothing i don't think that i couldn't do that they would be able to do yeah i feel like it'd be like having two people who'd gone through a very bad divorce with each other but then adding politics into it as well yes you know okay well this is a volatile island already like who's going to be the final the final person added into the mix my third person is probably uh i now again this is prip patel and only because i think within days prip patel and pierce morgan would be fucking and i would have to watch and listen to pierce morgan fuck prip patel while arguing with owen jones yeah because so she's gonna they're both

gonna i don't use the phrase double team but but they're going to gang up on Owen Jones. He's going to dig his heels in even more to argue against them. Yeah. And also, you know, that if anyone new and helpful comes to the island, Pritt doesn't want them there. You know, she's not, there is no, we know her stance on immigration. She's not going to let anybody, if we meet, we meet some new people and we think, oh, maybe we could form a collective with these people you know pool our resources she's going to say kill these people steal what they have yeah even if they point out that she's an immigrant to this island like we know that logic doesn't work with her well i think with her it's just the sense of how much she enjoys

being a baddie in in politics like the politicians aren't supposed to be the smartest people they're just supposed to be the people who are like the best mascots for the ideology of their party and it's like maybe the best mascot for your party isn't someone that smiles when they say awful things i don't. Given some of the policies she pushes through, it seems kind of on the money, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think also Piers is going to be just rubbing himself with glee. He's going to be so happy that she's there.

He's going to be sucking up to her. She's basically, he's going to be her puppet within days. Yeah, like she would be in charge. There's no way I could assert my will and beat her. Oh man, that's a heady combination, isn't it? And you'd feel like it almost ended up siding with Owen because he's sort of on his own. He would just, he'd be whiny.

So the only person on my team would just be this whiny man. And that's worse. It's what, I don't know if you've ever, I'd always rather be alone than hang out with like an acquaintance that i don't really like oh yeah yeah you know and that that's actually i think a worse hell is like it's not that i'd hate owen jones it's that i'd find him annoying but kind but like but understand where he's coming from but like hating someone is so much easier than kind of liking someone but being bored yeah okay well i think you've picked a good selection of people in that

i mean it's already a pretty painful place to spend a lot of time okay now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad um the first is onions i've seen people in my life eat an onion and it's not often but there are people who just eat an onion and it's the like the flavor of onions makes me gag and the idea of just listen you can survive you're with prit patel pierce morgan owen jones for the rest of your life but the only thing you get to eat is onions makes me feel so much pain that i'd never get joy from food yeah i mean it would probably just warp your taste buds after a while about about if you did manage to catch a fish or something it would just taste all wrong like your taste buds would probably

just be battered into submission and everything would just taste weird from then on there's no protein or fat so you'd only live a few months maybe even not even that you know it would extend your life you wouldn't just starve yeah the thing is you'd have enough energy to hunt but maybe not enough energy to actually make the kill the onions would give you hope so you think okay i feel good i've made this spear i think it's a spear i don't really know what i'm doing i'm gonna go hunting and you'd go hunting but you wouldn't have enough energy to actually catch up with the animal and throw this beer. And you'd just watch a little deer run away into the forest.

I'm going to starve. Just plodding back along the beach, crestfallen, Owen Jones is like, oh, come on, Bobby, cheer up, mate. Piers is cooking onions for dinner. Oh, fucking hell. Please, not again, yeah. I can imagine Piers Morgan really digging in his heels just to be sort of contrary like seeing you struggling to eat an onion and just going what you don't like onions oh for god's sake you don't know you're born there's plenty of onions it's good for you

you know cheerily like crunching on an onion just to show that it was fine i feel like he wouldn't shut his mouth when he chews either oh no you'd see the whole onion the whole time frothy onion juice at the corner of his mouth okay well what would you try and wash it down with them uh i think the worst thing i can think to wash it down with like this is my hell so i i don't even drink anymore because i was just like a bat i'd always black out when i drank but even when i drank, I hated tequila. Like I just found it like, I know some people find it exciting to do a shot of tequila. But like, I just always like, I couldn't handle it.

And I think my worst, being trapped with onions and tequila until I am dead is my own personal hell. Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking recently that I wonder if part of like the appeal of tequila is like tequila sounds like it's quite cool name and you know, it's from Mexico and it's kind of like a bit rock and roll and a bit sort of like exotic. And I can't help thinking if it was like made in like,

I don't know, like Hungary and it was called like pluffs or something like that people wouldn't like it it has nothing it's so disgusting but they've marketed as hey this is so disgusting that if you drink it that's pretty cool which is amazing like you've really just made an awful alcohol that everyone like no one really likes like with it's like kind of when people like fetishize like really hot peppers like they're really excited by like eating spicy food with tequila somehow has fitted itself into that bracket of like hey this is awful but if you drink it, you're fucking cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, give me a tequila. Do you want the salt and the lemon?

It's like, no, I don't even need it, man. You're in like a really shit bar, and you know you're in trouble when like it's someone's birthday, bring around a tray of shots, and the bar just gives you sachets of salt. They don't even give you a salt shaker. Then you know that it's going to be the worst shot you can possibly have, you know, and maybe in a plastic shot glass as well because they know what you're like when you've had a tequila well now they blame covid they'd be like we can only give sachets of salt

because of because of it but it's like no you're just you're just too cheap to have a salt shaker yeah it's awful like no one ever says it's delicious nobody likes it yeah and tequila on a hot island and that's all you've got and to be honest with given your company you'd probably try and power through it a bit just to sort of black out a bit but i mean you definitely would want to to soothe yourself somehow but i do feel like a drunk starving pierce morgan would end up hunting owen oh yeah definitely and it would have to i'd have to choose team owen but i would still be a drunk, starving Pierce Morgan would end up hunting Owen. Oh, yeah, definitely. And I'd have to choose Team Owen, but I would still be like, yes, I am on this team, but... Oh!

I think Owen would just be, but he'd just say, from the beginning, he's like, no, I'm a pacifist. If you want to kill me, and then he'd sort of offer no resistance and is sort of like, I'm going to become a martyr and let Pierce Morgan slowly bludgeon me to death with his tie. Yeah. Okay. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Well, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song.

What are they and why? The song, so I didn't pick the song. It's not necessarily my least favorite song ever. In some contexts, I kind of like the song, but in the context of starving while eating onions, drinking tequila, being surrounded by Piers Morgan, Brit Patel, and Owen Jones, I think the worst song, I was trying to think what is the worst song i can imagine watching prip ital

and pierce morgan have sex to and i think it would don't you by the pussycat dolls don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me and i really feel like prit would just be on top of pierce and like turn and look at me and sing the lyrics and wink or something. God. And that image, like I couldn't get that image out. So that was why I chose. Yeah.

Pierce emerging from a bush, sort of glistening slightly, just humming it after the act. Yeah, it's one of those songs where like you get used to it and then you're like i don't know i always just find it really weird now and i hear it's like like some person from a freak show you're like don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me it's like i don't know i mean you've got you've got a beard and horns i'm not i'm not sure i want my girlfriend to be like that i don't know but you know you do you and at some point yeah at some point freak

was just a slur it was just some kind of a slur for like these people who were, I guess. And then it crossed over into people being like, I'm a freak. And then real freaks were like, I'm actually a freak, sir. I have elephantitis. Stop saying you are not a freak. Your family will allow you in their home. Yeah. say you are not a freak your family will allow you in their home yeah it's like you just you know used to wear a t-shirt that said 99 angel one percent who knows i used to i used to live with a guy and whenever he wouldn't clean the house i had this hat because i'd done a comedy

tour i'd done a comedy tour and uh the guy was doing the show it was like a like dark comedy was how we build it and the guy i was doing the show with his mom got us hats made and she was quite old and aloof and the hat said nasty boys and uh and then so when i lived with my best friend dylan uh whenever he wouldn't clean to punish him i would clean the house naked while wearing the nasty boy's hat that's perfect yeah i think that's a very good technique i mean if you could bring that to the island it'd be quite useful but i think it would get appropriated by peers when he's doing his doing the dirty with pretty patel oh yes often and a lot yeah the pussycat dolls are just like i don't really i don I know that song and that's about it.

But it does seem like it's one of those things that permeated culture enough that you'd see it on like documentaries and stuff. Why is this? Has everyone forgotten what this song is about? No one wants to be with someone who's like, I am going to steal your boyfriend. It's like you are not a trustworthy person yeah let me leave my girlfriend for the person that's constantly trying to get with people you know people within a relationship like that's going to end well yeah like listen let's just do what everyone does in their 30s. Let's go to therapy and unpack this. You know, the persona in that song after a few years of therapy would just be like, I really miss my dad.

Thank you. I wish he gave me as much attention as he did his new wife, but he didn't. And you know what? That's on him. I'm okay in who I am. That would be the new hit song of that. But I didn't even the thing is i didn't i just knew that song i didn't know who the pussycat dolls were really because i didn't grow up here so i did like google who who sang that song but that song when i just imagined just like i don't know i i was i don't know what's worth pierce on top of

print or print on i think print on top is worse I think she'd have to be because it's like she needs to be the powerful one yeah and I just the idea of just just like walking up to a clearing and finding them and that song playing like just made me feel sick so I thought yeah that's that's my

that would be bad for me I kind of think that maybe it would become such a power struggle thing that she'd just sort of try more and more extreme things with him until in the end, like, she's just absolutely broken peers. He's just crying after being pegged a bit too hard that one time, you know, and just like almost starts becoming left wing because he just can't handle it anymore.

It's just too, what he's seen is too bleak and it's changed him. Well, maybe there's a chance though that she would convince him she'd likes to choke men and then she would choke him, but then he'd be quite weak from starving and only eating onions that she could then kill peers. And then we have quite a lot of food. Yeah.

Yeah. She might turn on him because he would be by far the largest person there and that that'd be a decent source of meat yeah I think you know Piers will be annoying but I mean you have to watch him in the sense that like he's going to try and turn everyone against you and become king but when pretty's a she's the one you got to watch I think she's going to be like she's the one planning shit but i mean all to that soundtrack as well i like it when you know people pick soundtracks like this because it's like something like poppy playing in the background there's just awful things unfold it's just a bit

more bleak somehow i like the contrast yeah yeah okay and what would your film choice be um my film choice is a very personal choice and i don't have that many like strong films i can remember hating but i hate the movie now you see me okay so for people who haven't seen it what's it was give us a bit of a synopsis what's it about there's a group of magicians and then they're enlisted to do like real life tricks and it seems like there is actual magic happening and they're a very famous group of magicians who are doing magic but also like kind of i think i can't remember i think they're like preventing like there's some kind of like uh i don't know now that you ask I just remember the feeling the movie gave me was

rage after two hours of watching these the first 20 minutes is great that's why it's so angering the first 20 minutes they give you this window and like these magicians are can do this crazy magic but are they actually magic I'm like oh this is interesting

but then it just descends and it twists and Mark Ruffalo ends up being this like super magician who is actually magic and lives in like some kind of a like cloaked i don't know he's been like in hiding forever and he was like this famous magician and it the ending was so unsatisfactory that I, it made, I was just full of rage. And no movie has ever made me as angry as that movie. Because the first 20 minutes, the trailer were so, I was just so tricked that I went in with such high expectations. And then while these magicians also like fight crime or whatever they're doing, I just, it made me so unhappy.

And again, I think that it's a good metaphor. My experience with the film is a good metaphor for being on the island because the idea of being on an island, a tropical island, is quite exciting. But then I get there, and it's Pripetel, Piers Morgan, Owen Jones, onions, tequila, don't you? And my initial excitement, like I had with Now You See Me, is just like destroyed. And the longer I'm there, the worse it gets.

And only having that movie would be hell. Yeah, I think I watched like bits of it on a plane once so my memory is a bit sketchy and i had a look at the trailer again and there's one bit one of the characters is like he does something like i don't know like he's been arrested and he's in handcuffs and he does something then suddenly like the policeman's in the handcuffs and he's like first rule of magic always be the smartest person in the room and you know i don't think that's not the handcuffs and he's like first rule of magic always be the smartest person in the room and you know i don't think that's not the first rule of magic i mean the first rule of magic's like don't tell anyone the secrets because they'll realize it's really boring or like you know learn to divert someone's attention so you can stick a card in their pocket

how could it be be the smartest person in the room because you know you just you'd have to check everyone in the audience it doesn't work it's like it's not the smartest person in the room because you know you just you'd have to check everyone in the audience it doesn't work it's like it's not a good catchphrase you know also if someone walks in and they look smarter than like they're they have a monocle or something that really like oh no no no i don't do tricks to the monocle people you must leave i think i was at a wedding or something and they'd hired a magician and like this guy came up to me was like hey guys how you doing uh i'm brett i'm a close-up magician like would you like to see some tricks it's like no i

don't want to be rude but like i mean you've been paid so you shouldn't care i don't want to is this going to offend you it's just i haven't seen this guy for ages and i'm i'm i haven't got any of my kids i've got a drink i kind of want to just catch up is that all right you know and it's like just fuck off like just go away magician yeah i went to i went to college with a magician and uh this magician would like do tricks and say oh if i if you can't guess if i guess your card you have to kiss me on the cheek and then he uh the girl would be like okay and then they obviously guess the card and then they'd go to kiss my cheek and he'd turn in and try to kiss them on the lips and it was like please oh man if i can guess your card you have to let me tip this in your drink yeah yeah like where do you end the first the first day i met him

i was like the beginning of college and i just like didn't know anyone i went sat on his room because i had like met him in the hallway and he's like i'm a magician i was like okay um and then he just started telling me how big his dick was and showed me the condoms he uses oh my god i was just like oh cool i'm gonna go but i was just like it's that first week of college where like i just you don't feel confident in yourself to say like you're a loser what are you doing that is insane like i was going to just be like yeah wow that's a good dick good job and you can do magic tricks wow wow you're a perfect man to me actually this is my perfect alpha that's incredible okay so well now you see me uh is your film choice now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why um i said a tiger because

i don't want to be eaten by a tiger it was really quite a just like an instinctual like the worst thing to be near yeah i mean you know we've seen the life of pie you know he managed to make it work for him but that was on a boat i mean on an island when it's overrun with tigers yeah you're not gonna live long no and there's always the dilemma of you're like oh there's a tiger coming up behind pretty patel oh pierce morgan i don't know do we do we tell them like do we not it's like I probably should tell them. And then later you're like, God, I wish I didn't tell you about the fucking tiger.

When Piers is going to go, yeah, I saw it. I was just letting it get closer so I could punch it in the face. But the problem is also if you let the tigers, the tigers then by killing them would get a real taste for human meat. So I think I'm more likely to die if the tigers eat them. Yeah.

There's just nothing you can do. least if it's like snakes you could find a way of kind of avoiding them or like making a barrier somehow it's also easy to kill a snake yeah then you just have a food source snakes snakes would not nearly be the worst but like tigers you could kill maybe one of their babies like but that's about it. And I think they can swim as well, so you couldn't even just get in the water every time you saw one. A rock like 30 metres from shore and just the army of tigers start swimming towards your rock and you're like, I really, this is a bad day.

It's like, you know, some animals are like that. You're like bears and they can like run fast and swim and climb trees you're like oh fucking hell and you're you know the size of a volvo what the fuck am i supposed to do like you've got too many skills you know it's like you know like all superheroes they have all the skills you gotta have some flaws like what's your flaw well like you're too good at this they're not good at hugging maybe they don't know how to react to a hug they just they just freeze you know some people they don't like being you know some people like even they like you and they'll hug you but when they hug they don't know what to do with their hands maybe that's a bear's that's what

a bear does and that's your moment to escape you just hug the bear and they kind of freeze for a second and then you run away yeah kick it in the balls and run yeah okay well i think yeah tigers is definitely a good choice so um well you know i think you have done a superb job of making a really shitty island you know i'm i'm there in my head and i'll be dead within weeks yeah and it'll be a horrible couple weeks where by the time i'm being eaten, my legs are being eaten. I'll think, well, this is OK. Cool. OK, well, Bobby, thank you so much for joining us today. Listen, where's the best place for people to keep up to date with what you're up to at the minute?

You've got a tour. I'm going on tour in the spring, spring 2022. And if you want to buy tickets to my tour you should uh go to bobbymare.net and if you want to just follow my uh comedy in any my comedy follow my comedy you can um any social media you know bobby mare cool thanks again for coming on desert island dicks today mate it's been a Oh, thanks so much for having me. So there you go. That was Bobby Mayer on Desert Island Dicks here today. I don't know why I said today.

I mean, it's a podcast. It lives forever. So I hope you enjoyed that very much. Why am I talking like this? Because I'm looking for a list that I made. It's the bit of writing that says Desert Island Dicks is a Sink Clap production created by James Deacon,

produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus, edited by Chris Attaway, social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton, and a special mention, as always, goes to Grandmaster Flash for statistics and John Deacon for just being an absolute legend and show historian. That's it. That was the episode.

I hope you enjoyed it. I think I said that already. I really should write this down because I'm not really good at freestyling. Yeah, let's just leave it there, shall we? Thanks. Bye.