Desert Island Dicks - BRIAN MURPHY

Episode Date: October 17, 2017

The second episode of Desert Island Dicks has arrived. Sharing their Desert Island Dicks with us today is radio producer, philanthropist, and social media influencer, Brian Murphy. Find us on facebook and twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is radio producer, philanthropist, Philanthropist, yeah. Philanthropist, social media influencer, Brian Murphy. All-round legend as well. Can you just put all-round legend at the end of that? All-round legend, Brian Murphy.

I've got a couple of questions before. I know you want to ask me some questions, but I've got a couple of questions first. Okay. Where is the island? There's running water in all that. Maybe it's in the Caribbean. Caribbean.

Yeah. This is best of both worlds. It's not quite as hot as the Pacific, but you've got? Maybe it's in the Caribbean. The Caribbean? Yeah. This is best of both worlds. It's not quite as hot as the Pacific, but you've got the crystal clear waters of the Caribbean. I'll take that. And what sort of a plane was it? That's up to you. And where was I?

Was I on first guess? Should you be surrounded... Yeah, well, should you be surrounded with many dead bodies or a few dead bodies, or it's just, you know, you were on a trip with all these people? I'd like a lot because I think I've mentioned this to you many times. I'll go cannibal early. Oh, yeah, okay.

Even before it's necessary. I don't mind. Just dive straight in. Yep. Start the party. It's the fifth meet. Brian, so you're just on like a Boeing 747. Right.

Comes down. You're in first class. Maybe you've already you know clink glasses with these people wow should we dive in who's your first dick

who's my first dick I'm going to go straight into it it's a fictional character but they're not banned are they no they're not banned no they can be there

it's Postman Pat what lovely Postman Pat lovely Postman Pat from everyone's childhood everyone's childhood and current current children's childhoods

this is going to sound like a bit of bad stand up because people always go what is it Everyone's childhood. Everyone's childhood. And current children's childhoods. This is going to sound like a bit of bad stand-up. Because people always go, what is it with Postman Pat? He's a really bad postman. He can't deliver letters properly. It's not that. It's more personal for me.

Okay. So let me just take you back to four years ago. I had my first child. And then two years after that, I had my second child. Don't know why you need to know that, but I just thought I'd get the timeline straight for you. No, no, it makes sense, yeah. And kids like watching CBeebies and they've brought Postman Pat back.

So I think there was a bit of a thing with Royal Mail. He can't... Technically now he's a courier. Is that what it says on there? Yeah, it's not Postman Pat with the Royal Mail on him anymore. It's Postman Pat SPS. Right. Sorry, it's Postman Pat SDS, Special Delivery Service.

Is that because they don't want to be tarred with the brush of him being a terrible postman? Maybe. I don't know. But anyway, he's gone off reservation. He still wears a postman's outfit and he drives a red van, but he just hasn't got the official Queen's logo. Okay, alright. Fair enough, yeah. And they've tried to update him with the times

and stuff. So, my issue with it is this. Kids love to watch the same thing over and over again so it would come on every morning i think quarter past seven and they'd watch it and you'd be in bed sort of listening to it you know with one eye closed and the same thing would happen every day and used to drive me crazy and it was this the guy from the special delivery service would ring up and go, Hi, Pat. We've had a special... We need a special delivery. How soon can you get here?

Yeah. He'd go, how soon... If I said to you, James, how soon can you get here? Depends where you are. If you were 10 miles away and you do some calculations. If you were at home

and I said, come to work, how soon can you get here? It's 10 a.m. in the morning. Half an hour. Half an hour. So if I say to you now, James, we've had an emergency to work, how soon can you get here? It's 10am in the morning. Half an hour. Half an hour. So if I say to you now, James, we've had an emergency at work, how soon can you get here? Oh, probably going to take me like an hour and a half.

Yeah. Postman Pat never answers the question. He just says, I'm on my way. Okay. And at first, it didn't bother me that much. And I would just go, that's not what he asked, Pat. Pat, that's not what he asked, mate. Pat, it's not what he asked, Pat. Pat, that's not what he asked, mate. Pat, that's not what he asked.

And then as the mornings... And I don't know why, but it just annoyed me so much. And towards... They don't show it anymore at quarter past seven in the morning. But towards the end of that run, I would always just shout, it's not what he said, Pat! Pat, he said, how soon can you get here? It's a time-sensitive delivery.

How soon can you get here? Don't just say, I'm on my way. Because that gives him no information. So, yeah, that's why I hate Postman Pat. No, that's great. Also, he is a shit postman. Yeah, he is a shit postman. He's a terrible postman.

I think they've given him more vehicles now, though. Yeah, he's got a helicopter, an airplane. An airplane? So why does he need an airplane? He often uses the services of the train. I think he's got a quad bike thing and he only has like one delivery a day and it's really difficult

where the fuck does he live so now they've also had it so what's the name of the so there's the village but there's also a town nearby that he has to go to they've made it very complicated and just the shipping cost for one package to his village,

where he's flying a plane and it's got one package in it. Just the maths don't add up for a start. Yeah, they've got to pay his wage just to get that one package there. Yeah. I wonder what his day rate is. Probably quite a lot.

And that's probably maybe it was the unionisation of pack, which made the Royal Mail sort of... Yeah, it could be, yeah. ...disassociate themselves from him. There's another thing as well. He has... And I must be the only person that picks up on this

because my wife says it's not true, but there is a lot of sexual tension with Mrs Goggins, the post lady. Yeah, there always has been, though, hasn't there? Yeah, yeah. But there's also a new thing. So before, I don't think he ever had kids. Now he's got a kid and a wife.

Oh. But I think Postman Pat could be gay. Okay. So it's this thing where I think he's married late in life. Right. Because questions were being asked in the village. And I'm not judging. I'm just saying, because it's a small village,

they probably were. Yeah. His wife is very spinsterish. And I think she's's settled i think she knows he's gay she's settled okay she just wants a kid like and it's now or never for her it's now or never for her how comes along at some point it's all gonna blow up in her face wow and he's just gonna yeah okay it's just gonna happen one day him and the guy on the other end of the phone. Yep. Okay, fair play. Not that I think that's a bad thing.

No. Well, I do, because he's being a dick. To his wife. By leading her along. Yeah, yeah. But then again, she's complicit in it. Or, I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it. They can both be dicks. Yeah.

Yeah. Postman Pat is there. He's your first dick. Brian, that leads me on to your second dick. Who's going to be your second dick? My second dick. My second dick is football pundit Jake

Humphries. I am there. You don't need to say anymore. Who's your third dick? No, I'm joking. Go on. This thing about Jake Humphries, now, whenever I see Jake Humphries on television, he behaves nicely. He's a competent presenter. Whenever I see him being interviewed or

around and about, he seems like a nice guy. Yeah. There's just this thing inside me that whenever I see him I just don't like you. It's like I've taken a visceral dislike

to him and I don't know why. And maybe it's a reflection on me, not him. So I want to make it clear that I don't think he's a bad person. I've got no issue

with his behaviour but I don't know he's just one of those people that I think people dislike. Yeah. Do you know what i mean that one of those people that's slightly out of phase with everyone else and makes the whole room uneasy yes because you can always whenever he's like trying to do banter oh with the football pundits the the ones that are ex-pros they always they always just can't go all right mate turn mate, turn it in, fuck off, because they're on television. But there is a sense they're just bristling at him,

just going, no, just ask me about Chelsea's defence and don't try and do any banter, please. I think Paul Scholes barely tolerates him. Michael Owen is fine with him, because Michael Owen has Michael Owen. Bless him, bless him. And who else? Steven Gerrard has had run-ins with him. On the show. Because I think he tried to do

I think he tried to do a bit of banter with him about the slip oh wow yeah which obviously why would you like

and the thing is why would you do that Steven Gerrard yeah oh slipping it was something like that I seem to remember and I just get

and he's very tall as well yeah oh what Jake Humphries you don't like that well no I don't mind it but he always

I think it puts off the other players. He dwarfs all the... He looks silly. Was he a player? No. No, and again, pundits don't like it when people who didn't play the game try and talk about it.

Yes, right. But what about Mark Chapman? I feel like he gets away with it. Was Mark Chapman a footballer? Mark Chapman was not a footballer. But he's fine, isn't he? I don't like him either. Oh, right, okay, fair. I don't know what it is. There's something about football pundits I don't...

Again. Gary Lineker. I like him. Fine, but he was a footballer. Mark Chapman, can he be 2A? Yeah, he can. Again, again, I don't dislike him. He's done nothing wrong.

I bet he's a lovely bloke. There's just, I think, I think for me with Mark Chapman, it feels like he's just wandered into the studio. They've gone, do you want to sit down there, mate, and just do a show? I think I take that to heart. It's like, if he can do it, because he is sort of like, all right, do you think that, yeah, right?

Yeah, yeah. And actually, right, because, you know, he's transitioned out of the chappers. He used to be you think that, yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. And actually, right, because, you know, he's transitioned out of the Chappers. He used to be Chappers, didn't he? Oh, no, yeah.

He's like, oh, come on, mate. He's transitioned out of that now into Mark Chapman. Years ago, right, I, you know, when you do a tweet

and you think, this is going to be brilliant, people are going to love this. Yeah. This has got 15, 20 likes all over it. Yeah, yeah. It was during the Super Bowl, right?

And it was one of those things that comes along once in a lifetime. And, you know, I'm bigging this tweet up, but it was a good tweet, right? It deserved better. And it was, if I remember correctly, because he's Mark Chapman. He was doing the Super Bowl coverage, right? And I tweeted something along the lines of you know 30, 40 years ago their Mark Chapman killed a national

treasurer of ours Mark Chapman the guy that killed John Lennon right yep yeah now our Mark Chapman

is returning the favour at the Superbowl oh wow that's powerful had all the elements of a great joke it was brilliant it was fantastic

nothing absolutely nothing nothing nothing at all did he sit there going back on it? I waited until next year, hoping he'd do the Super Bowl again so I could do it again. Didn't happen.

Oh, Brian. Didn't happen. How often did you think about that tweet? I think about it on a daily basis. That could have been the tweet that turned my life around, but it didn't. Does it go in the box with all the others? What, my other tweets? Yeah.

I mean, my other tweets are all substandard. This was the only tweet I've ever done that was a genuine joke. And it was... oh, okay. That's fine. Also, it was two o'clock in the morning as well, so there wasn't much traction. There wasn't many people around. All right, well, they're solid desert island dicks,

and they can go in, and you're the first person to bolt on a 2A, so that's great. Brian, who's going to be your third desert island dick? Third dick is Zane Lowe. Go on. Zane Lowe. Again, all these people,

I have no... In fact, years and years and years ago, we used to work at the same radio station. I was a lowly sort of work experience guy and he was a DJ. Okay. DJ at XFM. Yeah.

And again, lovely guy. Really nice to the staff. Really good guy. I have no issue with him. My issue from this side of it is no one likes music that much no one likes music that much and not at all all genres of music no one likes music that much it's impossible yeah i i like music i like listening to it yeah i don't like talking about it no okay i mean i'll the extent of my music talking is... Do you like that song?

Yeah, it's quite good. It's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah. I find music conversations and music specialist shows interminable. And I understand that if it's a new music show, you've got to sell it and you've got to talk about new music and you've got to interview the band.

Also, interviewing bands is so fucking dull. Yeah. So dull. And he's just so enthusiastic about all records. Yeah, he is. Yeah, and it's just like, obviously, I mean, it is his job to do that. Fair enough.

Okay, yeah. Fair enough. I'm not having a go at him for that, but it's sometimes just a little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Like, when we used to see him come out of the studio, it was like, you know when a prizefighter's just won a fight

and he's got, like, a towel around his neck? just want to fight he's got like a towel around his neck he didn't have a towel around yeah but it felt like a metaphorical yeah and like um i think i was i was around for his last show at x-film years and years and years ago again lovely bloke i don't want to have a go at him but just just a bit too enthusiastic okay yeah um and they're all dancing in the studio. What to? I think, I don't know what song it was. It was just a song. And, like, you know, again, people like that, and he's enthusiastic. I think it's probably more of a reflection

of my miserable nature, that I don't like to watch people dancing and enjoying themselves. Yeah, okay. But, yeah. It might be a reflection of your miserable nature all over this. Do you think he's like that at home, though?

I don't know. What, that enthusiastic? This is the greatest sandwich in the world. I've put pepper in it. It might be a reflection of your miserable nature, all of your desire to... Do you think he's like that at home, though? I don't know. What, that enthusiastic? This is the greatest sandwich in the world. I've put pepper in it, I've put some ham, some mayo just sits it right off. This is the greatest sandwich in the world. That's great. Do you think he does that?

I don't know. I don't know. No. I don't know. But again, Zane, if you're listening, brother, no hard feelings. Because obviously he probably will But again, Zayn, if you're listening, brother, no hard feelings. Because obviously he probably will be listening to this. Yeah, obviously.

You know, this is going to be huge. Because this will be on iTunes, won't it? Maybe. I don't know how. So he works for Beats 1. Yeah. So he probably sees all the podcasts coming in and has a little listen.

Yeah, and he's just like, you know, he knows that he's featured in this. Did that work out well for him, Beats 1? I don't know. Because it's sort of one of those things that, does anyone listen, Beats 1? I don't know. Does anyone listen to Beats 1? I don't know anyone that listens to it. Because they've made it so hard to listen to it. If they just had a...

You could listen to it. You have to have an Apple thing with a thing and a... Who likes music that much? Cool. Zane Lowe, he's on your desert island. Brian, now... What happens? Do they survive the plane crash? You've all crashed at the same time. So, hang on a minute.

Can I just ask the question? Has anyone asked this question before? Go on. What were the events leading up to me, Zane Lowe, Postman Pat coming to life, and Jake Humphries all getting on a flight together? And can they not have been in first class? I mean, you can break it down as you like.

Like, I do like talking about it, but really, I just want you to tell me who you think is a dick and why. Right, OK. been in first class i mean you can break it down as you like like i do like talking about it but really i just want you to tell me who you think is a dick and why okay but uh if we're gonna do it that way you know you guys were all on a trip to vegas right for some we don't really like postman pack postman pat's come out yeah and he's getting married to the guy on the end of the phone you're on his stag do. He's picked Vegas. Vegas, baby, Vegas. Right, and that's what's happened.

And it's a private plane. How does Postman Pat know Jake Humphries and Zane Lowe and me? And you? I don't know. Why is Postman Pat alive and well? Okay. Does he know he's a fiction? Does he know he's not real? Is he questioning his mere existence?

What do you think? I think he is. And I think it scares the hell out of him. Okay, fine. And also, I just wanted to know, are they going to judge me on my cannibalism? Because I want to be there day one, like, and Zane's going, come on, mate.

There's plenty of coconuts here. Don't be eating your legs. Don't be eating that guy's legs. Depends. So when Postman Pat comes to life, is he magically come to life and he's still made of plasticine because then you're eating plasticine.

Or has he become human form, which would be horrific. Imagine Postman Pat but like flesh and bone. Yeah, the ratio of his nose and his hair and his ears and his weird glasses and his feet. It would be horrific. It would be horrific. He'd probably be in constant pain as well. Oh God. Just want us to kill him.

Yeah, but there might be a lot of meat there because of the size of everything yeah yeah okay well I'll go away and have a think about that then

okay you have a think about it we can talk about it later later date feedback and like you know if we want to talk about this later in like a therapy type session

I can just bolt it on to the end of the podcast fine great cool not a problem Brian now mercifully

among the wreckage of the plane there's some food and drink left over unfortunately it's your least favourite food and your least favourite drink. What are they and why? Food.

Food first. Food, parsnips. Oh, OK. I get that. I really do get that. So there's no... The thing about parsnips is most people in this country eat them as roasted.

Yeah. Right? And everyone always thinks they're potatoes. I can probably there's been multiple times i've chomped down on a parsnip yeah and thought yes here we go this is a potato and it was a parsnip and i'm like no it's a bit sweet it's a bit sweet it's a bit i just don't i just don't like it it's nice it's just like a shit carrot do you know what i mean if you're going to be roasting vegetables for a roast yeah have a carrot

no it's true yeah carrots you don't need it know what I mean? If you're going to be roasting vegetables for a roast, just have a carrot. No, it's true. Just have carrots. You don't need the parsnips. It's too similar to the potatoes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm with you. So I'm just not a big fan of parsnips.

Especially, I mean, roasted is the worst. Well, roasted is bad, but boiled parsnips are the worst. Oh, you wouldn't dare eat a boiled parsnip. Who's doing that? I'm Irish. Well, I'm not Irish but my parents are Irish so I had an Irish diet growing up

didn't know what a bagel was till I was 18 I don't think I ever had broccoli we just had boiled potatoes root vegetables yep

and other boiled like lettuce not lettuce cabbage carrots parsnips yeah and boiled meat. That was it all the time. No sauce, no salt.

Occasionally, on a Friday, because we were Catholic, we would have a boil-in-a-bag fish. Okay. You know the ones with the sauce in it? I know, yeah. And potatoes. That is amazing. So parsnips, I've got a long history with parsnips.

But Brian, you're putting an age on yourself that is way beyond two years. Other foods were readily available. Oh yeah, but because I was Irish, we didn't know about it. That's just how I was. My mum, right, one time came round when I was a grown adult to my flat

on a Sunday morning, and I was eating, I think it was, because you know the sort of guy I am, it's the life I lead, mate. Gangster lifestyle. I have smoked salmon, scrambled eggs. Nice. With a bagel. That's great, yeah. I think it was because you know the sort of guy I am it's the life I lead mate gangsta lifestyle I have smoked salmon scrambled eggs nice

with a bagel that's great yeah and she started laughing her head off right she's like what are you eating fish and eggs for

and what's that piece of bread with the hole in it your roll has got a hole in it and I was like it's a bagel she goes a bagel

at my wedding at my wedding, she... I find this hard to believe, right? She claimed she didn't, like, know what a pie was. Oh, my God. So I said to her... Well, like, any type of pie. Any type of pie.

I don't believe this. She... We had pie and mash. Yeah, standard. That's a good wedding food. It's a good wedding fare. It was a pub we'd hired out for the day. Great. And they said, we can put on a meal, but it'd be pie and mash. Yeah, standard. That's a good wedding food. It's a good wedding fare. It was a pub we'd hide out for the day and they said we can

put on a meal but it'd be pie and mash and I was like well everyone likes pie. Who doesn't like pie and mash? And my mum kicked off and said, oh no, no, no, you can't have pie and mash for a wedding. Would you have a pudding? She goes, what is a pie? I've never had a pie. I was like, you've never had a pie? That is a terrible answer. I thought back to my youth

and I was like, shit, I don't think we did have pie when we were kids. We've never had a pie. then i thought that is a terrible i thought back to my youth and i was like i don't think we did have pies when i was a kid we never had a pie and she goes she got she said your father might eat a pie on occasion but but no no i'll do a relative to my own warranty to pay i was just like i'm sure they will it's basically pastry and meat so that's that this is the deep seated it is like a therapy session for me. No, this is great. It gets me digging down into why I don't like parsnips. No, yeah, it's good, yeah. And it's just amazing my mum had never eaten a pie. I mean, I'm sure she must have eaten a pie.

Yeah, she just didn't want it at the wedding. Parsnip. Can you think of a specific time where you chowed down on a parsnip and you were like, this is disgusting. It must have affected you at one point or another. I think the worst ever parsnip incident was at Carvery. Oh, yeah. Because this is the thing, this is the thing.

So if you do your parsnips in that long sort of baton roasted, you're fine, you know where you are. They've been clearly identified. It's almost like they're wearing a little uniform. But sometimes people cube them. Right. Like potatoes. Then they're in disguise. And I didn't get any potatoes. And it was a one-stop carver.

You couldn't go back and get more. It was like, load up now, that's it. You know, because you give your ticket in. Yeah. And I loaded up on what I thought were potatoes. Yeah. What I thought were potatoes. I mean, the fact they were next to the broccoli and the carrots,

you'd have given it away, but you know. Yeah. And then I got back. I mean, the fact they were next to the broccoli and the carrots, she'd have given it away, but, you know. Yeah. And then I got back to my table and it was... You were stuck with all these pastas. Did you go back to get roast potatoes? I was too ashamed. Because you can't go back. I was like, I didn't want to...

You're missing out on one of the best bits of the entire thing. I know, but it was one of those things where I just... You just couldn't do it, yeah. Couldn't wallow in my misery. I love it at Carvery that you have a roast dinner, but you also have a Pepsi on the side. If you don't get a pint and you're driving or something, you have a Pepsi.

Is that normal with a roast dinner? Here's the thing. Have you ever been in a pub or a restaurant where you go, can I have a Diet Coke or a Coke? And they go, oh, we only have Pepsi. Because they often only have one or the other, don't they? Right, yeah. And they go, oh, we've only got Pepsi. Has anyone ever have one or the other, don't they? Right, yeah. And they go, oh, we've only got Pepsi.

Has anyone ever said no? No. I don't think anyone's ever said no. I don't think so, no. This is a podcast you should do, a spin-off. No one cares enough. Things that no one's ever said no to. The other one for that is Barber, isn't it?

When he shows you the back of your hair. Is that all right? Is that all right? Yeah, it's fine. No, it's not all right. I feel like you've done the main two, though, because it's like... If you can think of three, it's a thing. Okay, all right.

No, you're right. No, yeah, it's just hanging in there. We've done the main two, haven't we? Other thing about parsnips is, what about, Brian, if they were made nice and thin and they were a bit crispy? Do you know what I mean? They're a bit crispy. Ah, no, this is the thing.

You see, whenever... Hang on. I've got to set up for this. Okay. Really. Yeah. When you do that thing where you make something so thin

and it just crisps up, it's nothing. It takes away the taste of it. You might as well... Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's just like... There's no point. It's like ketchup.

Ketchup makes everything taste the same, so... So, like, whenever we made a roast at university, if you peel the Yeah, it's just like, there's no point. It's like ketchup. Ketchup makes everything taste the same, so... So, like, whenever we made a roast at university, if you peel the vegetables, you peel your carrot. The main ones, you're peeling your carrots. You're peeling your carrots. You're peeling your potatoes. You're peeling your potatoes.

Maybe you're peeling your parsnips, if you've got them. Right. My friend, who's from Yorkshire, Bridlington, East Yorkshire lad... Does he ever mention the fact he's from Yorkshire a lot? All the time. Oh, I'm surprised. Bridlington, East Yorkshire. And what he'll do is is whilst the roast dinner's

cooking, he'd get all the peelings and he'd do a shallow fry in a pan and fry them all and then chuck them on a bit of kitchen roll, leave them for five minutes and you've got little vegetable-y crisps. It's nice. Sort of really unhealthy crudités. Yeah, it was nice.

Yeah, and we'd chowed down on those. I've always maintained that whenever, because eventually I'm going to be rich and famous. Okay, yeah. Inevitable, yeah. It's just a matter of time, really.

I mean, I'm 38. It's not happened yet, but... You've got it about you, though. I've got it about me, yes. That when that happens, I'm going to go to KFC and I'm going to say I want a bucket

of chicken skin. Chicken skin. Take all your chicken, take all the nice bits of skin off. I mean, use a glove, obviously. Yeah, yeah. And fill that bucket with chicken skin. Yeah. That'd be amazing.

It would be great, yeah. Sorry, anyway. No, I'm all over it. That's great. Yeah, no, I look forward to that moment in time. Brian, what is going to be your drink on your Desert Island Dicks? I hate pretentious drinks. So whenever you go to a pub and someone goes,

can I have an espresso and martini? Oh, come on. Or even Guinness, to be honest, is a bit pretentious, I think. Do you think? Yeah, I just think why you're slowing the whole... If it's an empty pub, fine, but you're slowing the whole process down. I've maintained for years that whole double pour thing for guinness is absolute bollocks yeah i reckon you could just pull a normal point and it's fine and it'll be fine yeah i think it's a marketing thing to have anticipation

about it and they they teach i reckon it's absolute balls really yeah yeah yeah and so you think so by putting that guinness there and people are looking at it. Yeah, and it's like, oh, it's great, isn't it? And people that order Guinness last as well. Do you ever get that? Oh, right, it's the last in the round. Can I have two pints of Stella, two pints of Prony? What's that? Is it Craft Lagia?

One of those. Yeah. And then they go at the end, oh, can I get five pints of Guinness as well? Oh, no, come on. And then they can leave it, yeah. Then come back during the interim and get the rest of the drinks for you.

But Guinness isn't even the drink I hate the most. Okay, go on, what's your drink? It's Slow Gin. Oh. Slow Gin. What issue have you got with Slow Gin? Never tasted it. Okay.

Never tasted it, so I couldn't tell you. Yeah. It's the people that drink it. Right, okay. It's the people that drink Slow Gin. It's a type, isn't it? Yeah. Only last year I realised what slow gin actually is right

so people go oh we make and it's always people like this we'll make our own slow oh slow gin oh we got slow gin out this weekend made slow gin oh slow we've made our own slow gin and i just thought it's like slower berry i think it is is it i don't i think it might be yeah and i thought they are making they're fermenting and making their own alcohol it takes ages to to do it. And they make out, it's a big thing. Oh, yes, we make our own slow gin. It's gorgeous. Oh, my grandmother had a recipe for slow gin. It's fantastic.

You must have some. Slow gin this, slow gin that. Fuck off. I'm sorry. And I only found out this weekend, it literally is just putting some berries in a bottle of gin. Just somewhere else's gin. Get a bottle of Gordon's and put some stuff in it.

The hard bit is making the alcohol, just adding a little bit of... It's like putting... And you put a spoonful of sugar in as well. Oh, that's only going to make it taste good. Well... No matter what. I know, but it's just the pretension surrounding it.

Of course, yeah. It's just like, oh, I love some of this. What I mean is what they're getting away with by... By saying they're making it as if they've made it. Yeah. And yet Jamie Vardy, last year, got a load of stick because he made his own vodka Skittles. He put a packet of...

That is so good. He put a giant packet of Skittles in a bottle of vodka and then left it for a couple of weeks and then it makes the vodka taste like Skittles. Yeah. But everyone's cocking their nose up at him. But yet, slow gin is fine. Because you went to Whole Foods and bought a berry.

Slow gin. I know. Good on you, Jamie Vardy. That's great. Slow gin. I mean, you're on this desert island, though. Parsnips and slow gin, you could just get yourself to a nice, well-fed,

deeply alcoholic death. Yeah. If you wanted to. Yeah, I mean, this is the thing. So, I hate slow gin. Yeah.

But I love gin. Do you? Oh, I absolutely love gin. Do you? Gin and tonic or? Gin and tonic, always. Like,

I like to fill up a pint glass, but mostly with ice. Okay. Mostly with ice. Mostly with ice. A good drop of gin in there. And then a splash of tonic. Yeah. And this is the good bit.

Just loads of lemon. To the point where, like, if you've got, like, digestion problems, you're like, oh, that's a bit much. Yeah. You're squeezing the lemon in there? Yeah. Ideally, just then crumble a Gaviscon tablet into it as well. Are you juicing the lemon or are you just squeezing it?

Just squeezing it in and then chucking the dead lemon corpse in. You know when you're like, you're useless to me, but I'll stick with it anyway. You need it to huff just as you drink it, yeah. That's great. So this is a good thing. So I like gin, so I'm sure I'll like slow gin. Yeah, the pretentiousness around it.

I can say to Postman Pat and Jake Humphries, guys, guys, I've made some slow gin. Look at this. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Brian, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on this island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work. Unfortunately for you, it's only got two working settings. And on one setting, it's your least favourite film of all time. And on the other, it's your least favourite song. What are they and why? Right, least favourite film.

Yep. And it's a bittersweet one for me. Okay. Right? Because it's by the Coen brothers. Oh, right. Who are brilliant. Yeah.

But again, I put them in the slow gin category. Yeah, for sure. A lot of people yeah so good oh give myself a big sludge and it's uh no country for old men which is a brilliant film yeah brilliant film right that is quite controversial it's i know that's i like to go for the controversial okay all right i mean one day i think i could be a daily male columnist yeah uh imagine if if me and you, I come over there now

and I'm, you know, we start to get on with it. Yeah. Do some stuff. Okay. I slit my hand down your pants. Yeah. And things are happening.

Yeah. You know, you're enjoying it. You're really enjoying it. Yeah. Things are about to come to a head. Yeah. I pull my hand out and go, see you later, James.

And just go home. Yeah. That is no country for Old Men. Okay. So basically the film just ends, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. And no one knows what happens at the end. There's no resolution.

Yeah. And it's a cop-out. What are they trying to do with that? People go, oh, well, you know, you just decide for yourself, don't you? You know, you work it out for yourself, or it's symbolic. It's not. Just end the fucking film. Yeah, it's true.

No one has to say, it doesn't have to be a good ending or a bad ending, but just end it somehow. I've been sitting along, going along with the ride for you for an hour and 45 minutes. Again, it's a great film, but it just goes... Yeah, peters out at the end. And we're left with a big case of blue balls.

Do you not like the great suspense, though? Can you not get over it for the acting? Yeah, that's fantastic. It's great excellent that's great but it all just gets negated by the disappointment at the end and i literally was like oh come on at the end of it i would literally shout out come on were you in the cinema no i was i was at home and i was like what oh and that they and people and they know they know what they're doing as well because you're panicking a little bit because you realize because well because you're panicking a little bit because you realise,

because especially when you're watching it at home and you know there's not that much, if you pause it for any reason or you accidentally touch the microphone, the running time at the bottom comes along on the screen or whatever and you go, hang on a minute, I mean they're leaving it pretty tight.

There's a lot to wrap up here and they're leaving it pretty tight and then the last scene you're like are they are they fucking ending this film are they

they are and the the rise of the anger just I still remember it to this day is just like you oh you fuckers

and they've done it on purpose they've it's artistic and they get away with it but imagine if we did that or if I'm a radio producer. Imagine if I did a show, like ten minutes before it's supposed to end,

just stop the song. Dead air. Done. Yeah, okay. All right, I'm there. I'm with you. You get that for the disappointment. And imagine having to just do that every day for the rest of your life.

Watch that and just know that it's never going to conclude. I'd make Postman Pat, who technically is a professional actor, Jake Humphries and Zane Lowe act out how I think it should end. Yeah, that's good. That's really good. And it will be sexual. I know, it's always sexual with you, Brian.

Brian, what's your song going to be? The song is The Girl Is Mine by Michael Jackson featuring Paul McCartney. Okay, alright. Now there's a reason for this. A, it's a terrible song. It's just an awful, awful 80s sort of weird what is it like an easy listening yeah because i think jazzy funk well i don't know what it is i think there's this myth that

everything that michael jackson touched was touched was gold yeah yeah he's dead he's dead there's no libel there's no libel. Yeah. And also... Yeah, I mean... Yeah, I mean... Do I have to cut this out? I don't know. I would seek legal advice, mate. Just bleep it. I would just bleep it.

It's easier. Just bleep this whole proceeding sort of like 10 seconds. Yeah. Anyway, you're right. Yeah, everything... Yeah. There is a myth about that.

So go on, what is it about this song? It's more to do with Paul McCartney and it's an excuse to get my... I've got this thing, which you may have heard me around the office talk about on many occasions. It's a fictional post that I wish to create in government

and it's called The Music Czar. Yeah, that's good. As a man that's worked in and around the fringes of the music industry, and I hear a lot of music, I've made some observations and some improvements, I think, that could come with this position of the music industry. Go for it.

So basically, Paul McCartney is, without a shadow of a doubt, one of, if not the best, singer-songwriter of all time. Okay, yeah. He's brilliant. If you say that John Lennon was your favourite Beatle, you're an idiot. Yeah. Because he wasn't. Oh, no, not favourite. The most talented Beatle, rather. Right, yeah.

Just for the Beatles alone. I mean, he... Yeah, of course. The Beatles wound up before they were all 30, I believe. Imagine doing all that before you're 30. I know, incredible. He had a couple of good solo years, some pretty decent stuff. But he's ruining his legacy now, and in the 80s He had a couple of good solo years, some pretty decent stuff. But he's ruining his legacy now and in the 80s with a lot of, frankly, subpar stuff.

Again, I want to stress that he's one of the most talented singer-songwriters of all time, and I've done nothing with my life, so who am I to criticise him? But, you know, we're doing this podcast, so we might as well. Yeah, that's what it's all about. And he's just ruining his legacy. And I want people to remember him for Helter Skelter, or Yesterday, or Lovely Rita Meta Maid.

I don't want them to remember him for that terrible ukulele song he did, you know, in 2008. You know, everybody get ding-a-ding-a-ding, everybody get down tonight. So my issue with Paul McCartney is this. With the music czar, this wouldn't have happened The Dog Gone Girl is mine Such a bad song

That is, yeah Is that the full title or is that the lyric? That's one of the lyrics in it Because at one bit they go The dog gone girl is mine Oh yeah Who calls it the dog gone girl? And also they're very different ages

as well so who you know okay who'd be fighting over that girl I know yeah

anyway so so this would this would stop that this would stop the whole terrible McCartney period because the music

czar thing is you are in a band or a solo artist doesn't matter which if you go solo it still counts the rules are still the same. You can do five

albums, right? Five albums. Can we double albums? Yeah. 50 songs on the album, no matter what. Or you can do 10 years. Okay, alright. There's a sweet spot there. I think 10 years I hope Coldplay are listening to this. Yeah. Right?

And however long it takes you to do those five albums you can eek those five albums out over a 25 year period. That's fine. Sure. That's fine. Because then you'll

still have gone off the boil, but you're not, you know, you're not giving us too much shit. Like, like Chili Peppers

for instance. Yeah. Or 10 years. And in those 10 years you can do as much as you want. You can release as many singles

as you want, as many albums and that's it. That's basically it. I love it. I think it's excellent. Whichever comes first, whichever comes first whichever comes first you're done yeah that's it if someone comes to the music czar office takes away your recording equipment says you're never allowed to release anything ever again that's it i i think you can perform someone should you can perform just no

new music yeah just don't ruin it could you write songs for other people no no just made that on the fly I mean I just decided that yeah no I think that's fine a lot of these things are made up on the fly anyway on they yeah um is there anyone that has achieved that sensibly who's it see what will happen is you'll get a couple of you'll get people that are very prolific maybe like say that Bob Dylan hmm and they just bang out an album every year, and then there occasionally might be a really good song in there. But it's not worth keeping the system for that, I don't think. No, no.

Paul Weller is another one. Did you hear Lou Reed and Metallica's record? No. That's a prime example that should have just called it a day. Literally, someone comes to meet you with paperwork when you've released your final album, or it's ten years, and you sign the paperwork, you get taken away,

and you get taken to Live Nation, which discuss your options with you, and they say, look, greatest hits tours, mate. That's all you need to do now. Just do the greatest hits. Off you go. Bye. And if they try and sneak any new material in, trap door. No, death sentence.

Death sentence. Death sentence. That's it. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Paul Weller goes, is a new one I've got from a new... No, Paul.

No. Sorry, no. No. All right, Brian. Finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? See, I wanted to put killer whale. Okay.

But then are they going to be on the island? Because they could be... Because they're too big. Well, I could be out fishing. Me and Postman Pat could be down, you know, by the makeshift pier we've built out of suitcases, trying to fish in or whatever. Yeah. And then the Killer Whale, you know, has a go at us.

The reason why is I think Killer Whale gets a big pass, right? Everyone goes on about Killer Whales at sea life centers and stuff. Yeah. I say fuck them. I say put as many as you can in those prisons until their mental health deteriorates until they bang themselves against the wall smash their own brains and you know why they're the they are the dicks of the ocean why they're the dicks of the ocean why are they because they hunt baby um baby dolphins and baby whales yeah and have you ever seen that footage of killer whales? They've killed a seal and they're just chucking it.

They're just playing catch with the baby seal. Oh. They're like, I'm one killer whale, I'm chucking it to you. And they're supposedly very intelligent, so they know what they're doing. If they were intelligent, they'd get out of those pools. But it's like a lion eating something and then just chucking a bit of meat about, isn't it?

I know. Oh, and they hunt babies, baby whales and baby dolphins by separating them from their mums and dads. So it's a bit like... It's a bit calculated. Go for the big ones, you cheeky buggers. Yeah, take someone on your own size. They get a lot of sympathy when I always just think,

fuck them. Fuck them, okay. They wouldn't be... If we were in tanks... Yeah. Or what's the equivalent of... If we wouldn't be in tanks, were in tanks... Yeah. Or what's the equivalent of... If we wouldn't be in tanks, we'd be... Yeah, and clapping and stuff

and doing tricks for killer whales under the sea. They wouldn't be trying to get us released, would they? Probably not, no. No, it's a bit better there. They'd just be eating us, wouldn't they? But... Right, okay. Sorry, that's not...

That's not your animal. Who's your animal? Because it has to be on land. What's your... I'm going to go for ducks. Ducks? Yeah. All right, what have you got against ducks?

Have you ever seen a duck's penis? Have you ever seen a duck's penis? No. Female ducks have... Male ducks and female ducks have a very, very, very... What's the word? Self-destructive relationship. Okay.

A duck has a penis like... It's the third of the size of its body. Right. It's massive. Down to my knees. If I was a duck, I'd have a giant. And it's a corkscrew. It's corkscrew shaped. Why?

And the female duck has a corkscrew vagina. Why? Because they don't like each other. Also, male ducks are, like 70% of them, are, you know, sex criminals. What do you mean? They force themselves on the female ducks. Do they? To the point where the female duck has evolved,

I think it's three separate bits within the vagina, and if they don't like what's going on because they're being manhandled by the... Well, duck-handled by the male duck, they contract the muscles and force it down a different opening so they can't get impregnated. Wow. Yeah.

So I think they should just stop breeding and just go down the evolutionary cul-de-sac. A lot of... Like, that's a lot of evolution to you know, go down the evolutionary cul-de-sac. A lot of... Like, that's a lot of evolution to have happened for that to become such a thing. I mean, the male is obviously a bigger dick because he's, you know, indulging in rough behaviour with them. But the females are, you know...

Because people like to go and look at ducks, but actually they are pretty moody. They're pricks. They're pricks. I live in a place called Alexander Palace, right? At the top of Alexander Palace, there's a massive duck pond. And you can go round in those pedal boats that have swans on them, which is weird. Yeah.

Imagine if you were hanging about, and then a swan came by in a pedal car. A pedal car that was human, that had a human, like it was human-shaped. Yeah, it would be weird, but okay. Maybe there's a reason why swans and ducks are arseholes. But anyway, sorry, get back to it. And I always go to the kids,

oh, should we go and feed the ducks? Should we just go and feed the ducks? Let's go and feed the ducks. Yeah, let's feed the ducks. Oh, quack, quack, quack. And then we walk up this massive hill, get there with our half a um loaf of yeah hovis seed sensations i won't lie i'm doing all right yeah i can afford seed sensations

not even stale i just i just decided just as it is all right and then you spend the whole time chucking the uh the bread and they don't come over to you because i've had too much bread they're not bothered they're not bothered oh fucking also they're bowel come over to you because they've had too much bread. They're not bothered anymore. They're not bothered. Oh, fucking hell. Also, their bowel movements are horrible. Imagine just eating bread

all the time. Why don't they have corkscrew dicks? Constantly constipated. Yeah, so they're dicks. We are on the island though, right?

You catch a duck, that's a nice meal. Oh, duck breasts. Good bit, tasty bit of meat. Yeah, you just fry it on the skin side for like half an hour. Really let all the fat

come out. It's cooking its own fat. All crispy. Turn it over. Oh my God. I wonder if you can eat the corkscrew. Penis. That could be a delicacy. I mean, have you seen it? No. Have you got your phone with you there? Yeah. Just type in duck penis, mate. Just live reaction.

I will. It's unbelievable. This is what people want. You know, also, it, mate. Just live reaction. It's unbelievable. This is what people want. You know, also, it comes out like in a second. It's hidden and it goes... Duck penis. Okay. I'll shorten this pause on the...

No, leave it in, mate. It builds the tension. Fuck off. There, see? Told you. That is insane. Told you. That is insane. Told you. What is that?

Yeah. Yeah. That is quite an artistic picture, but Jesus, that thing. Imagine that. It's like a Harry Potter wand. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That's crazy.

Oh! I urge anyone listening to this podcast to Google this. When you see it hanging down like that, it's like a worm hanging from its... Oh, my God. It's a horrific example. I think we can all agree ducks are dickheads. You can buy duck corkscrews,

and someone would buy me a duck corkscrew before this, and you wouldn't realise that that's actually... Yeah, well, essentially, yeah. Yeah. Ugh, here's one licking its own one. I know, it's just a bit weird. I mean, this is why ducks are dickheads. No, you can have that, Brian.

That's disgusting. Looking at this, how are any new ducks ever created? This is the thing. This is a lot of effort to get that in there. This is probably why ducks aren't the chickens of the world, if you think about it, because they're probably quite hard to procreate. Chickens, you know, they're at it all the time. Because if you think about it, because they're probably quite hard to procreate. Chickens, you know, they're at it all the time.

Because if you think about it, you'd much rather eat a duck than a chicken, wouldn't you? You would, yeah. Oh, yeah, because it's much tastier, mate. Much tastier, yeah. Yeah. Like gamey, though. It is quite gamey, but, God, it's rich and tasty.

Oh, it's lovely. Bit of hoisting on there. Oh, hello. Makes me want to get a Chinese. So it's good that I would, on my island, I can just kill these ducks and eat them. Yes, because they're there, they're disgusting, but you can just hack them down.

That's a good twist on it, actually. I really like that. Well, thank you very much, Brian, for coming in. Yeah, who do I talk to about my feet? Anything to plug? Yeah. Yeah, go on, what have you got to plug? My bum hole.

Because it's very wide and I'm old. I don't eat much roughage what's your if people want to follow you on Twitter to see your hilarious tweets what do you do at BPL Murphy

great that's it I was the first to get BPL Murphy I was very proud of that that's good I don't have to have like ladies man 123

or whatever on Twitter yeah there's not many BPL Murphys out there mate so there we go I'm the first of them great achievement well thank you very much Brian for coming in I don't have to have, like, ladies man 123 or whatever on Twitter. Yeah, that's great. There's not many BPL Murphys out there, mate. So there we go. I'm the first of them. Great achievement.

Well, thank you very much, Brian, for coming in and sharing your Desert Island dicks. Thank you for having me. Cheers. Bye.