Desert Island Dicks - CHARLIE BAKER

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Comedian Charlie Baker joins James to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and presenter Charlie Baker. Hello, Charlie. Hello, James. Hello. I was wondering how big the island is.

Oh, do you know what? I don't know if I've ever been asked that before. Because the picture on your sort of thumbnail is very... Whenever you see a desert island drawn, they're always quite small with just like one tree, aren't they? Do you know what? You're right. I never thought about that. I mostly chose that because the tree just immediately looked quite dick-like.

I hadn't picked up the phallic symbolism of the tree. I am very juvenile in that way. And so I saw that and i was just like oh yeah the tree looks a bit like a dick so we just went with that i think it is going to be quite small how do you feel about that okay well i've been watching that program alone usa oh yeah yeah on channel four i don't know if you've seen it and and then they they all live they're all within sort of 20 square miles of each other on that. So I'm amazed they never meet each other, but that's because I think they're too big.

Have you seen the one where the bloke, he kills a moose with a, he kills a moose with a bow and arrow and then he butchers it completely and like guts it and skins it with a leather man knife. Wow. What, just one pen knife. Wow. These people have insane skills. What, just one pen knife? Wow. These people have insane skills. Yeah, that's incredible. I mean, what a great advert for that knife. Yeah, it really is, isn't it?

One knife. If you were the leatherman people, you'd be like, oh my gosh, we didn't mean it to be that good. I'm putting that bloke on the poster he's getting money for endorsements for the rest of his life that bloke free leather men for the rest of well actually free leather men for your whole life sounds like a whole other show yeah we've got late late night channel four all over it yeah isn't it um okay yeah so quite a small island quite an intense island how did you find

putting together your selection of people and things for the island oh i've uh i enjoyed it very much actually i enjoyed it that you know it's a great format obviously and it's nice to think of people because it's not necessarily people you don't like you're sure no no no it's not necessarily people you don't know it's not sure? No, no, no. It's not necessarily people you don't like. It's people you think, oh, God, imagine being stuck with them. Oh, yeah. Absolutely murderous. Being stuck with them the whole time.

I mean, the worst thing, obviously, would be stuck with yourself. And I think that's the overarching thing when I've listened to your brilliant podcast. Is that, you know, obviously, we're all dicks in our own heads. Oh, I think I'm fine with hosting this because I am the worst. Like that is like, as long as I have that caveat in my mind, I feel like it's okay, you know. And obviously you could go for truly evil people like, you know, Hitler or, you know, David Walliams, you know, you could do that if you needed to, you know,

but you don't need to go too heavily into that. The penny dropped. The penny dropped there. It took me a moment, but that was good. From commutes that become learning sessions to dishwashing filled with laughs, podcasts can help you make the most out of your everyday. And when it comes to everyday spending,

you can count on the PC Insider's World Elite Mastercard to help you earn the most PC Optimum points everywhere you shop. The PC Insider's World Elite Mastercard, the card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits. Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. I think that leads us on quite nicely. Charlie, who is going to be your first choice for the desert island? First choice in my desert island is Tim Peake, the astronaut.

Tim Peake, yeah. He seems like a nice guy, doesn't he? He seems like he's obviously achieved an awful lot. But God, how long do you think it takes him to mention he's been in space? Whenever you see him. Whenever you see him on anything. Immediately, isn't it? It's like, it's as though he's a vegan and been to Cambridge.

He cannot wait to tell you. So I just think on the desert island. Oh, how long do you think you you've look you've cracked the planes crashed you've swum with the two other people and the animal and that to the desert island you're working at how big the desert island you know and then you've recovered you can't believe the adrenaline is in you of recovering from the plane crash and the escape and finding shelter and then all of a sudden you meet the other people. How long do you think Tim Peake,

before he goes, wasn't like this in space? Yeah. Oh, it's good. That is really good. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I think you're spot on. I mean, I imagine he's at it all the time. Unbearable.

Christmas. Imagine Christmas. What did you do this year, John? Well, this year I, my company had a, you know,

quite a good turnover this year. We managed to open a new shop. All right. All right. What did you do this year, Alice? Oh, well,

you know, yeah, my, the football team I manage, they, we won the league and, you know, we had a great year with that, with the kids, you know, and, and, oh yeah. What'd you do? I went to the moon! Immediately. Just bang.

That wasn't this year, Tim. That was five years ago, six years ago. It doesn't count anymore. It does count. It was just constantly, he'd shoehorn it into every situation as well. On the desert island, imagine it. Imagine it. Oh, right.

Tim, can you go up that tree and get them coconuts down? It looks a bit high. Not high for me. Not high for me. I've been to space. Oh, shut up. Fuck off, Tim. Yeah.

It would be. It would be. That is brilliant. That brilliant immediately unbearable just to be around it's just like you mentioned those occasions like christmas birthdays where you're kind of you're in a house all day together but imagine that like yeah for the rest of your days potentially i saw him on something recently and he came on and he was presenting an award. It was the NTAs, I think it was. Presenting an award, I think it was. And like presenting a TV award. Didn't need to mention space.

We know why he's there. Please, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the astronaut, Tim Peake. Fly me to the moon. I know every music they bring him on to. There he comes. And then anyway, it's lovely to comes and then anyway it's lovely to be here like it was lovely to be in space or something he said like oh wow you've had fly me to the moon you've had astronauts you're in your suit take the suit off yeah yeah yeah but it stinks that suit

i like to imagine he said he's just got 10 of them though. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's had some maybe. And his local dry cleaners have got no idea what to do with it when he turns up every time. It'd be great.

Also, he'd have been furious about the plane crash, wouldn't he? It'd be, oh, it'd be... Oh, true. Oh, wouldn't it? Do you know what he would say though? He was just like, oh, you know when the plane dropped,

it's like being in zero gravity. Do you know what I mean? You would get that from him. He'd be like, oh, you guys got to feel like it was to be me just for a moment. Yeah, just for a bit there. You felt,

you had the experience of what it's like to eat your dinner while it floats away or whatever. Yeah. Also, I would say, being in space and being on a desert island fending for yourself,

I would say very few transferable skills. Yeah. I agree. Actually, yeah yeah he's not actually that useful on the desert island i think you're probably right because a there's gravity yeah he's not used to that you are outside so there's no like oh i'm gonna go outside good luck good luck good luck none of that you are outside in on a desert island people can hear you scream so there's that it's true it's true yeah and also he wouldn't be able to wear his suit he'll be gutted it'd be far too hard he'd just

be dragging it around behind himself yeah just so he just so you could see it yeah the suit mate the suit the suit's gone sure he's really nice but you know no i'm sure he's a nice but but i think like like we mentioned i'm not sure if it was at the beginning but um before this you mentioned and it's about it's about that it's about being on the island with this person and how unbearable that would be and i think you've absolutely nailed the brief there yeah there we are so there we are tim peak is my first tim peak is going to be your first choice anything else on tim peak before we put him on the island um uh that's that's i don't know what else he's got as well. You know what I mean?

Once you get beyond space. What else has Tim Peake got? In one of my jobs, I talk to a lot of footballers, professional footballers, right? And a lot of them are very nice people, right? Really nice people. Really nice guys. If you get off the subject of football,

it's not a lot to talk about. There's not a lot they're offering up. It's like goes football, then drops down a bit to golf. And then beyond that, it's drinking. And then, and then that,

so they're really nice, but you know, there's often. But so I think it'd be similar with Peak. You're just like, you just want anything. Yeah. Something else, Tim. Any other interaction. Something else. Come on, mate.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, let's bring you some new conversation. Who's going to be a second choice for the island? Second choice for my island.

I did have a few people like generic people but uh but i didn't i'm not going to put these on but uh okay people who have some honorable mentions honorable mentions are people who shout get in the hole at the golf um they're annoying people who shout people who shout, Tim, at Andy Murray. They're the biggest dicks on earth. Does that happen? Does that happen? Yeah, really, really terrible people. The worst people known to man.

And also the people who, when you're sitting on a train and you've not booked a seat, turn up and say, I booked that seat. Those people. I don't mean, oh, well done. I know. That is is awkward that is awkward they're the honorable mentions uh next up is peter pan peter pan oh okay i can't stand the peter pan story i think it's so annoying about peter pan that irks you so? Oh, he's a... Oh, God.

The way he is, he's so annoying, isn't he? Yeah. He's just so annoying. The whole story's annoying. Don't you find... And haven't we had enough versions of it now? That's it now, surely. Well, I was thinking,

do you have a specific version in mind when you think of Peter Pan? Is it Robert Williams as Peter Pan?iams as peter pan yeah that's bad and that's pan isn't it that's because that called hook or is that called pan is i think it's called hook yeah i think i'm probably thinking of the disney version as my main go-to okay version yeah but then every sort of middle class posh theater version ever not the panto version although it's not a real panto. It's not a real Christmas show. Oh, okay.

Peter Pan, Snow Queen, Jungle Book. No one wants to see these at Christmas. I don't know why theatres put them on. Anyway, but Peter Pan, the character is... Oh, God. Imagine him on the island. There is a smugness about Peter Pan. He's like a bit

of a know-it-all chap. Also, what I'm not growing up. Grow up, mate. Grow up, mate. Grow up. No, I can't. Don't expect me to stand on the ground for very long. I'm not

growing up. Shut up. Imagine him on the island. Right, can you get some firewood? Right, can you get some firewood? Peter, can you get, can you get some firewood, please? No,

that's a grown-up's job. Oh, you bellend. He can fly as well. Just go and fly. Yeah, exactly. Bring it over there like that.

You know, king of the lost boys and all that and it's like, ah, just, I just don't like the guy. I just don't like the guy. I just don't like his vibe.

I'd say I agree, actually. Yeah. The little suit's annoying, isn't it? The little suit and hat. Little tights and his hat. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? His little elf-like booties that he wears.

What's he dressing like an elf for? It's all right not growing up. It's all right don't grow up that's fine if that's what if that's your that's what you want to be if that's what you want to do we'll have a stick a tracksuit on or something yeah actually actually don't put a tracksuit and loads of gold on and hang around with loads of kids because we've seen we've seen how badly that goes i'm just gonna live forever as a child and hang out with lots of children you know what i mean do you know me as an adult all right so you're not actually an act you're not actually a child no i'm an adult you say you are i'm a thousand years old i i'm i'm fine i'm fine with people being who they want to be,

unless you're an adult who wants to be a child. Yeah. I'm not into that vibe. But also, surely, as he gets older, he's still medically an adult. So, like, he'll get prostate problems eventually. Peter Pan prostate problems what a good vocal warm up

that is for us all before we do the podcast Peter Pan's prostate problems next time you're doing a voiceover can you use that as your vocal warm up

yeah very good so he'd like have to like you know have all the medical checks he'd probably get his back bad knee surely is he medically

an adult or I don't really, I'm not, I'm not fully aware of all the details on the story. Well, I don't know, but when it's Robbie Williams, he's just a man.

I don't know. He's just still a man. He's just a man, isn't he? So we've got, we're going to get bad knees. Hips might go, you know,

prostate issues, heart, heart disease. What's he, what's he never see. You never see him eat really, do you? Why is that? why is he not eating

no and in that film the food is actually invisible isn't it so like maybe he just never actually eats imagine that

on the desert island ah I'm I'm eating this what Peter you're not eating anything fuck off you wanker I'm starving to death do you know what I mean

full roast dinner today he's there. Miming a roast potato, pouring some invisible gravy. Peter's lost it. You'll be enlisting Tim Peake to help put him out of his misery. Do you know what I mean? I'd be more interested in hanging around with Tim Peake.

Peter Pan's prostate problems peaks peaks interest um um also both of them claim that they could fly or have flown actually maybe i've got a problem with flying maybe maybe what it was was we've been in a plane crash and i've got a problem with two people who can you claim they can fly better than anyone else p PTSD, yeah, from that moment. Okay, Peter Pan. What a good choice. What do you think, James? Are you a big Peter Pan fan? I just think it's on too much.

I think it's a cop-out for people. I'd say so, yeah. And I think that, like, I think he would just be unbearable. He's so smug. He's such a know-it-all, Peter Pan. He's just, like, also going to take the... He's going to be like, I'm the leader. And you'll like you're you're you're a little prick do you know i mean he'd be up that little he'd be up that tree sitting in that tree wouldn't he

going well it's fine up here i'm fine up here shut up does he have a little sword or something does he have a dagger he has a little sword pathetic pathetic grow up well grow up alone you can do a lot with a little sword though do you know i mean he could be yeah that's true that's like that is good well providing that that's your animal choice he'd be he'd be looking at peak when he'd be looking at peak also if he can fly he could fly he could fly off and get help so why is it why is he staying on the desert island? That's true. That is true.

Do something useful. You fly to the nearest mainland and get us... Wherever we are, fly to Barbados. I don't know where we are. I don't know where the desert island is, but they seem to be in the Indian Ocean. It would be. It would be.

Yeah, I think it would be. But it'd be lovely. Yeah, get to Barbados. I mean, he just wouldn't come back, would he? Exactly. Because he's like, hey, I've got no responsibilities. I don't need to grow up. Yeah, but we've sent you off to help us.

Yeah, sorry. Just a kid. Yeah. You're not, mate. Well, yeah. Also, I've got two kids and I was... You're shitting blood, Peter. Peter, you're shitting blood.

It's a problem with your colon. You've got a problem with your colon. It's all the invisible food, all the invisible red meat you're eating. You're 74, Peter. I've got two kids and I'd say that they have zero survival skills. So like, yeah, that's the worst thing with kids, isn't it? I've got two kids and when they're little, they have no survival skills. So like, yeah, that's the worst thing with kids, isn't it?

I've got two kids and when they're little, they have no survival skills and it's annoying. Yeah, it is. That is annoying. You'd be babysitting a know-it-all child that has no skills whatsoever. Terrible, terrible. This is a good choice, right?

And so far, I think, Hellish Island, I think between the three of you so far, it's not looking very bright for you guys. Do you know what I mean? When you're stuck with these two. Also, you talk about Peter Pan skinning Tim Peake. He's been in space the whole time. He's got like a little withered body.

There's no meat on Tim Peake. Nothing. And he's used to eating dried up food. Oh, my God. Just food. You add water to it. Oh, my God. Just food. You add water to like... Oh, good Lord. Oh, my God.

Okay. All right. So you've got Tim Peake and Peter Pan, the first two choices. Who's going to be the third choice for the desert island? The world number one tennis player, Novak Djokovic. Okay. I wasn't expecting that.

Novak. What? Novak Djokovic. Okay. Out of the three, this... Yeah. This interests me the most. Okay. Why Novak Djokovic? Do, out of the three, this interests me the most. Okay, why Novak Djokovic?

Do you know who he is? Do you know his work, James? Yeah, yeah. I haven't thought about him enough to form an opinion on how I feel about him, but I'd like you to inform me, please. I think he's an absolutely terrible, terrible sports person. Okay. I think he's the worst sports person

i think he's such a terrible winner and a worse loser but when he's losing when he's losing he'll have like really long toilet breaks oh right okay he'll have like something oh i've got something in my eye i've got something in my eye. I've got something in my eye. You know, oh, my legs really, you know, immediately start limping around the court. You know, I have to get the trainer on, you know. Whatever's in that bottle. I won't libel your podcast, but whatever's in that bottle that suddenly appears

out of the crowd from his coaches, who knows what that is? Just the way he wins, the way he can't believe no one likes him. He can't believe people boo him, despite him being world number one. The fact that he went from world number 18 to being world number two, three or one, depending on how good Federer or Nadal were. Just the sort of, his behaviour during the pandemic was pretty grim. What was he,

remind me, what did he do? I think he was against women not getting equal money in tennis. Right. Just loads of little things that make the character of the man just really, I know he wants to win, but the whole vibe of him, I can't be. I think you can be someone that win, a winner and someone that wants to win, but you could do it with some grace.

Do you know what I mean? It doesn't need to be that way. Have some grace. Yeah, it doesn't need to be that way. What I like is that he has no grace and he'll do all these things that feel like cheating. They feel like cheating. That's what it feels like, bad sportsman. But they're not understand why people don't love him.

Why does no one love me? Well, mate, you've just been a dick for three and a half hours. An utter dick. You're obviously amazing at tennis. You're obviously amazing at tennis. I'm not taking that away from him. He is absolutely amazing at tennis yeah you're obviously amazing at tennis like i'm not taking that away from him he is absolutely sensational at tennis and there is nothing you can take to make yourself better than at better at tennis but i would say that's that's often not enough just to

have one redeeming feature do you know what i mean it's like i well i agree on the tennis is going to be i mean to be honest i don't know agree. Well, I agree on the tennis is going to be, I mean, to be honest, I don't know if he's got a racket on the desert Island. I don't know if he's got a racket. I'll let you have one. Definitely. You can have two. He's got,

he's got one. He's got, there's two rackets. Okay. So is he going to want to play tennis? You can't play tennis on sand. No, you can't. Just be volleys only.

Volleys only. Volleys only with Novak Djokovic. I can't even say his name. Novak Djokovic, volleys only. Yeah. Volleys only. Volleys only. Volleys only with Novak Djokovic. I can't even say his name. Novak Djokovic, volleys only. Yeah, volleys only. But also... We could be playing doubles with Peter Pan and Tim Peake. But so extremely competitively.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You get the vibe he cheated in that. One source of entertainment. He probably worked. He probably worked. It's just like, yeah. Get them out. He probably worked. It's like, yeah. Get the vibe.

That was out. It really wasn't out. Look, there's a mark in the sand. No, Vag. And he just... The court. It pretends to fall over and just moves all the lines. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, I've fallen in the sea. That doesn't count. That doesn't count. You went and ran in the sea. I'm just thinking about other sports people, similar that I do know more about. But I love the darts, right?

I watch darts all the time. I play a lot of darts. And there are a few darts players that are absolute shithouses. And I don't mind them. Peter Snakebite, right? Snakebite, right. Is he a shithouse?

No, no, he's not a shithouse. Who's the Welsh one? Geraint Price is a shithouse. Yeah, Geraint Price. You see, there we are. I love Geraint Price. But for example, if it's not going his way, he'll go over to the little table

and he'll start taking the flights off the darts and he's like, oh, I need to replace these now. And you're allowed to do that. You are allowed to do these things. Like Novak Djokovic, he's allowed to go to the toilet, but it's just how long you take. He's allowed to go to the toilet as long as he goes to the toilet. And it's how long he's allowed to go to the toilet as long

as he goes for to the toilet well it's always when he goes like two one down or something oh i suddenly need a massive piss oh shut up no back that's what it's about it's about messing up the rhythm of other people i get what he's doing yeah i guess what i get what they're doing and some would say that when i play anything i am in a very similar. Oh. I try and get in someone's head when I'm playing anything, you know. So that's all he's trying to do. Okay, here's the reveal. Here's the reveal. Is it that you actually see a lot of yourself?

You and Novak are like. Peter Pan, Novak and Tim Peake. Is it that you're actually going to clash with these people? You want people that. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Okay. That's what it is. That's that... Yeah. Yes, okay. Okay.

That's what it is. That's what it is. Yeah, I can't... Look, you'll see him from now on. From now on, you'll notice his behaviour and you go, oh, yeah. Okay, so Novak Djokovic... I can't even say his fucking name.

It's fine. You'd be dreadful on the island with him because you wouldn't know his name. I wouldn't. No, he would hate it, wouldn't he? He would absolutely hate it. You can have me. You can have me just for that reason,

to wind him up on a daily basis. I'm just going to say Novak. Anything else about Novak before we put him on the island with you? That's it. No, that's all I've got on him, really. I don't know his private life or anything like that. So, you know.

So, thank you very much, Charlie. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? So food, soup. Soup.

Soup, yes. Soup is a good choice. Right. Yeah. When you go, no, it's quite smug, isn't it, soup? Right, go on. Very smug. Very smug.

Very smug lunch, isn't it? Just some soup very smug very smug very smug lunch isn't it just some soup just some soup for me come over have some soup let's go to the pub and have some have some soup it's like i've never had it but it's like i've never had a soup in a pub i'll tell you that for sure some people and it's like oh just have some soup should we why no no the only good soup is heinz tomato soup that's the only one it's the only one you know that is the only good soup yeah yeah i think you're right i think you're right when people do a homemade soup and it's like oh no no i don't want it i don't want this it's something that you would i've never done it but it seems like something you'd only do by accident

do you know what I mean if you balled your meal up and the only way to revive it is just blend all that shit together and then you've got soup Exactly Maybe

soup in a flask on a cold day Okay Maybe If you've been working outside or you know

been on a long walk on the moors something like that maybe then soup is all right. But as a standalone lunch or dinner, no. You're having a joke, mate. No, no, no, no. I would never do it.

I only started to encounter this when I got into my 20s and I started working in offices. And at lunchtime, I'd see people and they'd be microwaving their soup and i was like i can't get on board with the idea that that is enough i don't think that that's enough and people would say oh absolutely not it fills you up the most that is a lie that is not true smug it's a smug line smug soup would actually be a really good brand maybe i should start that what do you know what smug smugs Smug soup would actually be a really good brand. Maybe I should start that. What? Do you know what? Smug soup is a great brand name for some soup.

It actually is. Like, own it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. Own it. Just a smug little soup, you know. Oh, it's sun-blushed tomato soup. It's tomato soup.

It's chicken and tarragon. It's chicken and tarragon. Smug soup. Yeah. Smug soup. It's chicken and tarragon. Your hind soup. Chicken and tarragon. Mmm. Smug soup. Yeah. Smug soup. And it's like, and it immediately makes your lunch,

you look like a big fatty fat. It does. It does. It's because you've got KFC. That's why. You've got your lunch perfectly normal, like a sandwich and some crisps and an apple. Yeah. Classic packed lunch. Yeah. And you and me, some crisps and an apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Classic packed lunch. Yeah, yeah. And you and me, oh, just soup for me. Oh, shut up, Sheila. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up, Sheila. It's always Sheila from accounts as well.

Do you know what I mean? She's got the soup, 100%. She's warming her soup up. I'm with you. Also, right, let's think practically here. You open the cargo hold of that plane and you're on a desert island. All you've got is just hot soup. Do you know what I mean?

It's like 35 degrees out there. And also, you've got to make sure you've got to get it around all four of you. Although Peter Pan's got his invisible food. So actually, that's a pretty good choice because there'll be just three of you. It's true. Djokovic would take most of the soup, bury it somewhere, so he knew he had his soup. Oh,

snaky, yeah, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Peake said, is this food, is it dried? Is it freeze-dried? I can't eat it then. It'd be mostly aligned with Tim Peake, though, because he's like eating baby food in space, basically, isn't he? That's true. He'd probably get a straw

and just go to town on the soup he'd love it he'd love the soup close his eyes and just yeah it's difficult to portion

control a soup true because because it's never enough soup is it no matter how much soup you're having

for your lunch or your dinner it's not enough soup that's it's true it's true i honestly constantly eating a starter yeah it's just always just like never quite getting there like when where when yeah when it's never coming that main is never coming um exactly if anyone that i know

is listening if i come to your house and you're serving soup for dinner I am questioning our friendship from that point on I think wow it's amazing it's just like why why why yeah just make you a nice soup oh god oh man anyway okay we are okay right and who's gonna right who what's gonna be your drink choice it's um I love a cup of tea. Oh yeah, me too. I absolutely love a cup of tea, but it's tea with sugar. Yes, yes. Is the drink. Yes, yes. Who is enjoying that?

I tell you who's enjoying that, Peter Pan, grow up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tea with sugar. What is it that makes it so awful? I like sugary, I like sweets. I like sweets, I like pudding. Yep. What is it about tea with sugar. What is it that makes it so awful? I like sugary. I like sweets. I like sweets. I like pudding. Yep.

What is it about tea with sugar that is the worst possible drink? It's gross. Like, so full disclosure, it was my sister's wedding on Saturday. And yesterday I woke up and like in a house with my family and stuff. And I was really hungover,

really, really hungover. To be honest with you, I'm still kind of feeling it now. But we were having some breakfast family and stuff uh and i was really hung over really really hung over to be honest with you i'm still kind of feeling it now but um okay they um uh we were having some breakfast and my brother made me a tea and he said do you want a sugar in it and i thought do you know what i'm really hung over i think i do need sugar and so i never have sugar in my tea i was like go on do it he brought me this thing over oh my lord it is disgusting it's a whole different drink. It's awful. So when I'm doing my radio show,

you know, you're sitting there, it's three hours long. Oh yeah. Sometimes you can pop out and make a cup of tea, but sometimes you'll ask for a cup of tea. Sure, of course. And they'll normally send a runner or a work experience or someone.

You know, it's the classic. Very normal practice. Very normal practice. But you do. You cannot help but look like a massive diva. If someone brings you tea and it's got sugar in it, my immediate reaction is, oh, God, sugar in it. I said you can't in it. I said... You can't help...

I can see why people get reputations. Yeah, but where you're going wrong, Charlie, is you don't need to chuck it in their face as they walk up. Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's what it is. Scolding hot tea with sugar in their face. Make it again!

Whimpering boy, go! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but tea with sugar is the worst drink known to man it is i don't think i drink it it's also something that you something that you wish something that like if you're on the island and you're like oh i'd love a cup of tea oh i'd love and then you go back to it and you try it just just to see if it's any better than the last time and it's just the same it's what tea with sugar is worse than no cup of tea definitely definitely i'd rather just think how good i think how good

a cup of tea can be like the ultimate a cup of tea can be the absolute ultimate drink is like and to be able to instantly make it the worst possible drink yes yes and something i'll never understand it so so my dad still has sugar in his tea right and i think it's a generational thing i do think it is a generational thing yeah and to be fair to my dad he's he's he's got he's got a proper job where it's like my dad my dad's an aa man so he's out there on the side of the road yeah all the time and he's like he's on the side of the a1 and he's like yeah maybe a flask of soup could be but i know he's bringing a packed lunch out with him and he have sugar in his tea and to be fair to him he's grafting hard he's

under a car yeah okay i'm not judging i'm not judging anyone who likes sugar in their tea of course but i will pull him up on something because I know he does listen. When you are having a dessert, like maybe in a piece of pie or like some kind of cake with cream on, I think you probably don't still need sugar in your tea alongside that dessert. Dad, if you're listening, I would say. Wow. Do you need that?

Big diabetes check here. That's Peter Pan, isn't it? Diabetes, Peter Pan. There's so much diabetes. He's got the colon issue. He's got his prostate problem. He's got diabetes. Can't live like a child, Peter.

The thing is, now when I see posters for like Peter Pan, I'm not going to be able to not think of his colon. What have you done? That's what I've, that's what I've brought to this podcast. If you were giving it a title, I'd call it Peter Pan's colon. It's going to be the first few words in the description.

Charlie Baker joins us to talk through Peter Pan's colon through Peter Pan's colon is the name of the episode okay right yes sugar in the tea I do think it's a

it's a crime it's a crime against tea it's a crime yeah absolutely we don't need to dwell on this but I think between soup and tea though

sugary tea I mean you're managing to sustain yourself for quite a long time probably probably actually you'd be all right on both those things if you had an unlimited supply of both those things you are getting yeah there's no fat in any of it anything that's where you're going to get your fat from well some people like choose like sambuca and something and like you're not going to get you're not going to live for that long on the combination of Sambuca and

offing but you know yeah but tea and soup okay thank you very much and now fortunately you won't be without

entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings

one is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why la la land oh wow yes okay okay immediately can get on board with this yeah la la land now i i i am a huge musicals fan here i love musicals and I love musical films. I'm a huge fan of the musical films of the 40s and 50s and early 60s, all the MGM and all those things like

On the Town and Hello Dolly and Oliver from the 60s and all those brilliant films. Singing in the Rain is in my top three films of all time. La La Land is sort of, I think, trying to be one of those, I think, or a past. I don't know.

This is what I can't work out. I couldn't work out if it was a pastiche of it or trying to be one of those, but they can't do the things properly. They can't do the singing properly. Okay. Then if you look, if you watch the leads, the lead,

when you watch Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers or Gene Kelly or Debbie Reynolds, all these people, they've employed people who can sing and dance and act, not just act and pretend to sing and dance so they're not faking it and in la la land they are absolutely faking it they're it's and you can tell by the way they shoot they'll shoot someone shoot it's quite technical they'll shoot someone from the waist up almost and then show you their feet and you think i don't and i

don't think i don't think that's their feet sometimes oh wow okay i think and then the dancing they'll just surround they'll just surround what you do in what if you watch a panto or something and it's got someone in it uh who's famous but can't really do much they'll surround them with dancers during a big dance number. And all the dancers all do all the dancing. And then, you know. So you're hoodwinked into thinking that they actually did something, but they actually didn't. Yeah, Chico will stand in the middle and sidesway, you know.

So is Chico. So, but I think that film is like that, but I don't think it's honest about being that. I think it pretends they're great dancers and they are not great dancers. They are not great singers. And for that it makes me I was so cross when I saw it because everyone went oh you're gonna love this you're gonna love like you love jazz you love musicals you you're gonna and and it made me so cross this film because it's so it was so like they're so faking it and what the whole point of that sort of musical in the 40s 50s and 60s was it's so it was so like they're so faking it and what the whole point of that sort

of musical in the 40s 50s and 60s was it's people who were amazing at it from broadway or from the west end or from whatever right had the actual yes at the actual skill so they they went route one whereas they're trying to reverse engineer it in la la land right they're trying to reverse engineer it in La La Land, right? They're trying to make it. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. There we are. Think back to when it came out and people were telling you, you were going to enjoy it.

Did that, do you think because there was the anticipation, it made it more of a crushing disappointment? Oh, I a hundred percent don't watch anything anyone tells me to watch. Okay. Okay. What normally or since then? I mean, I, I love love oh always always like i would love the sopranos i absolutely know i would love the sopranos the soprano is like one of the greatest tv shows of all time yeah it's right up my street that sort of whole mafia thing

is 100 my one of the things i love love that vibe love the love goodfellas love godfather all those yeah you know once upon a time in America all those have I ever watched an episode of the Sopranos not one and I don't know if it's because everyone's gone you should watch the Sopranos yeah yeah I know what you mean it's like you almost want to prove them wrong by not watching it yeah succession I've never seen and I'm the only person the only person who's missing out is me. Yeah, I know. No one's actually bothered if I've seen it or not. I would say with these things, though,

is like when I look at a series like The Sopranos, not to go on too heavy a tangent, is when there's an intimidatingly large amount of episodes, I just think, I know I'm signing up for, like in TV time, like seven days of my life to actually complete what the volume of stuff that's there. Whole life.

Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm worried, but a lot of people have told me to watch it as well. And people are shocked as, as, as I imagine they are with you when you tell them that you haven't watched it.

I've not seen it, but then you want to turn around to them and say, this is the very reason I haven't watched it. So we are but la la land was was proof proof in the pudding so there we are la la land is my is my film do you know i'm i'm i'm quite a simple creature i think and also i don't have that affinity and i left the cinema i think i watched the cinema i left the cinema i'm thinking oh that was that was good and then i turned to my wife who also loved musicals and she was just like that was crap and she just hated it as well she hated it yeah she did yeah i think if you're a purist if you

know your stuff but me not knowing my stuff so well i was like oh that was that was fun like but but like yeah someone that hasn't seen as many yeah yeah yeah okay okay my song yes my song is actually nothing to do with timby i hadn't put the two together if i'm honest but here we are i think the worst song of all time is i don't know if it's popular or not of all time that it appears on many many christ Christmas albums. And I think it is, I cannot explain its popularity, is A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris DeBerr. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The deadly depressing Christmas song that makes, also sort of makes zero sense. Yes. As well. It's not festive. It's not festive. It's not very Christmassy. You can't dance to it.

It's not romantic and it doesn't make you feel good. And yet there it is on every single greatest Christmas hits of all time. Who bought it? Who bought it when it came out to make it popular it's such an odd song like i i've completely forgotten about this song but i know it i've heard it it's like it makes no sense i'm looking at the lyrics now i'm like what on earth what year was it out because it was out in a year when to get into charts, it would have had to have sold probably 50,000, 100,000, like physical 45s. What year was it out is a good question.

Is it like 80s? It's quite telling that it doesn't have its own Wikipedia page. Oh, no, it does. It does. It does. Bear with me. Okay. It's 1975.

Okay. So in 1975, how many copies has it sold, does it say? Christy Burr as a pop star is an odd thing, isn't quite an odd thing. I'm a very slow reader. It's all right. It reached the top position of the Irish singles charts, staying 15 weeks in the Irish charts. Oh, my God. weeks in the irish charts oh my god it is it is like it is absolutely beyond me the popularity of

it if anything it makes me wish christmas was over yeah it's only it's only november um and it's about it's about aliens visiting the nativity i think yeah it is yeah i think that's what it is about yeah it just i i feel like what is he making out that like aliens were there or aliens were one of the characters like the idea of this song i think he's thinking that that oh what was the bright light what was the bright light at the nativity scene? Okay. Okay. I think. But what is the song for? I don't know what it's for. No one wants it.

A spaceman came traveling on his ship from afar. It was light years of time since his mission did start. And over a village, he halted his craft. And it hung in the sky like a star. Just like a star. he followed the light and came down to a shed where a mother and a child were laying on the bed he's just making out like an alien was there it is you know and then it goes so then what i think is what i think is the everyone likes like singing along with, with the chorus. That's the most,

yeah. Put in a big, like, it's like people like, they love counting in it. They love people singing la la la. They love counting in a song. Yes.

They can, they know the words for that. Everyone can get on board with that. Everyone can get on board with that bit, you know, one, two, three,

four, come on, baby. Say you love me five, six, seven times. Even if you don't know the rest of the song you can sing along with that yeah yeah yeah yeah and so the la la la la la la la la la that he does in it is probably quite good for singing along with when you're drunk on eggnog

yes it just slammed in like peace and goodwill to all men and love for a child and like yeah like what does that have to do with the alien it's depressing it's depressing but peak would love it when he tim peak oh he'd love oh yes yes so actually i've i hadn't put those two together but he'll he'll claim to know what it's about do Do you know what I mean? He was like, Oh, you just don't understand it. Cause you've not been to space. Yeah. Cause you've not been there. Actually.

Did you, did I tell you I've been to space? Yes. Straight back in there. First day. You said that Tim. We've been here six weeks. Peter Pan.

Have you got that little knife? Just making the soup. No more. Okay. Yes. Soup again again also hot on a desert island in the middle of the baking something the last thing you need is to be reminded of christmas miserable christmas song reminding of your family at home no no no no no terrible no no okay excellent song choice i must say thank you. No, no, no. Terrible. No, no. Okay. Excellent song choice, I must say. Thank you. And the first time it's chosen,

I think there's quite a few firsts on this. Very impressive. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's the swan, isn't it? It's obviously the swan. The swan.

Yes. Okay. Okay. Swan is a terrible bellend, isn't it? Yes. The swan. Yeah. They're terrible, terrible animals Swan is a terrible bellend, isn't it? Yes. Swan. Yeah. They're terrible, terrible animals.

Just a sexy goose. Yeah. It's like, what is it for? The swan, you can break your arm, obviously. You've got that. You've got the added angle of, you know, they'll break your arm. I think they attack children. Yeah, I think they're like...

They are snobby. They are. They are snobby. And are. They are snobby. And they're all up top, aren't they? Tiny little legs. Massive arse. Very long neck. They're like Elton John.

They're like Elton John. They're the Elton John of animals, aren't they? And even worse, none of us can eat them because we're not the queen or the king well is this i was gonna say so like i remember growing up everyone saying oh you can't touch a swan swans are protected their queen owns them all does that does that immediately go on to the king then king immediately owns them yeah king's immediate i bet he had a couple didn't he first couple of days in there oh yeah yeah first couple of days in the throne right let's see what all the fuss is about been waiting years for this moment get me my swan lovely what's for dinner swan again yep get the peri peri out camilla get the agar on it's time get the ag on. It's time for swan.

Get the period. There's a thing called swan upping, which is when they go round. I live near the Thames. And what they do, once a year, they go swan upping, which is when they count the swans.

They count the swans that belong to the king, basically. It's swan counting. My. Is this fair? People have too much. This is true. People have too much time on their hands, don't they?

They really do. It's called swan upping, which is like, really? It feels like if you went swan upping and someone caught you going swan upping, the sort of excuse you'd make is, oh, yeah, we're just counting them we're just counting them it's easier with your trousers off we're just counting them leave us swan upping sounds like when you're with a mate and he's like i uh when you say oh i saw a swan on the way here and he says well i saw two do two. Do you know what I mean? I saw two swans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Swan upmanship. Swan upmanship, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Swans. He just wouldn't want one. It'd be a constant threat, wouldn't it? It would be. Walking around the desert island. It would be. You wouldn't be allowed to eat it. Yes.

It would be, you know. There's constant fear of getting attacked. Yeah. Yeah. It would be, you know. There's constant fear of getting attacked. Yeah. Yeah. Constant fear. I hate them. I once, I did a radio, when I used to work on local radio once, there was a swan hospital near us where, and you'd go and you'd visit all the ill

swans. It wasn't. It was. It was. And it would have a, and you'd have all these swans with like really droopy necks and like first thing to go is the neck on a swan you know but it stank this place absolutely stank oh you had all these you had all these droopy swans with absolutely stinking it was a charity trying to make them better. And I was like, swans don't need a charity. No, they don't.

No. That is bonkers. So would you go in with like a mic and just record some stuff? A mic, yeah. And I'd be like, ooh. I'm a bit jumpy. I'm an animal. So I was a bit, ooh.

I like jumping every two seconds. I'm not sure if it's worth it. I'm Not sure if it's worth it. I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore. That's great. Okay. So there we are. A swan. A swan is an excellent animal choice.

Yeah. What a stressful animal to have on the island. Stressful. Imagine keeping one as a pet or just having to have one. Oh my God. Yeah. Just one in your house. It's just like you can't ever go in the room when it's there.

It just dominates all areas. I don't like it okay um i feel like you've created a very hellish island for yourself yeah well that was the point wasn't it yeah you're spot on that's the point you've nailed the brief thank you so much charlie um i feel like we had a brief chat before you're a busy man you're doing a lot of things um yeah what have you got i do a lot of things what have you got coming up that we should we should tell the people about i'm on tour i'm on tour been on tour since the spring i have a radio show three times a week on talk sport tuesdays thursdays and saturday mornings so i have to build up a tour around that a lot of the time okay um which takes a lot of days out, but it's sporadic dates,

but it's been absolutely, I've absolutely loved it. I've written a standup comedy show called 24 hour pasty people. And it's two hours of, of me eight till 10 o'clock at night. And it's jokes every 20 seconds, laughs every, every 20 seconds.

And we've been having a absolutely brilliant time of it um got about four or five gigs left coming up a big one really nice one is uh december the 6th at the comedy store in london and there are tickets available james there are tickets available brilliant but um yeah comedy store london december the 6th it'd be really great to see people there charlie this has been fantastic and it's been lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me, James. I appreciate it.