Desert Island Dicks - CHLOE PETTS

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

My guest for this week is comedian Chloe Petts. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Chloe Petz. Hello. Hi. Hi, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. Much appreciated. Straight from work to Desert Island dicks. It's a dream come true, I must say.

My career goals are to do Taskmaster. Yeah. Go back to my old school to do an inspirational speech nice and Desert Island Discs yes so frankly

this is a step on the ladder um yes okay yeah you're part of the way there sort of only by way of

the fact that you're doing a podcast and that's also a podcast okay yeah but you know it's all practice, isn't it? I was really worried there. I was just like, you don't think this is Desert Island Discs? What's happened?

Chloe, as always, let's dive in. Who's going to be a first person? I'm going to go Zlatan. Zlatan. Mr. Zlatan. When I saw that you were picking Zlatan, I got really excited. Why did you get excited? Just because no one's picked Zlatan yet

and I think it's an excellent choice but please tell me why. Well, I have like a complicated relationship with people with huge egos because I'm both like

fascinated by them but quite disgusted by them. Yes. And I'm not one of these like a lot of football fans really like shithousery. Like they love Sergio Ramos, they love Zlatan, they love Suarez but I just hate it. I'm just like, a lot of football fans really like shithousery. Like, they love Sergio Ramos. They love Zlatan.

They love Suarez. But I just hate it. I'm just like, just be a nice boy. Yes. Just be a nice boy on the pitch. Yes, yes. But Zlatan, I think, on the island, I see him as a bit like the character Groot

in Guardians of the Galaxy. Like, I feel like all he says is, I am Zlatan. Yes. And I feel like, I'd be like, Zlatan, come on, we need to like chop some wood babes like come on

we've got to do some practical stuff on the island yeah and he'd just be like topless covered in oil yes doing all of his like

karate chops yeah I'm like I've fashioned an axe Zlatan just use an axe um so I think I just get so infuriated

with his posing his sort of um egomania. Yeah. Oh God. And he'd want you to pander to it because everyone else does, right? It would be like, look, I am Zlatan. And up to that point, that's all he's needed to say. But now you're like, actually, you know, you need to put a bit more in here. You need to pull your weight. And I think that that's exactly it. I don't think I'm good at pandering to those egos. It's tough. I think Zlatan

is so fascinating. It's like where has this come from? It's like, okay, you're good at football, but like he thinks he's some kind of god or something. It's ridiculous. And the problem is that there are pockets,

there are big pockets where it's justified, where he will just do something brilliant. Oh my God. And you're just like, well, that's just justified your whole ego, isn't it?

And it's just fuelled the fire. It's like, he scores that wonder goal for LA Galaxy and then takes out an advert saying, you're welcome. Did you see that?

I did see that. And there's just absolutely no need for it. No, yeah, I know. It's just ridiculous. But that's the ridiculousness of football, I think, in general. It's just like you can get away with that kind of stuff because you play football. And people love it.

And people love it. And that annoys me. But then I also think maybe it's just because I'm jealous. Yes, okay. Maybe I, like, I think I'd probably be like that if I was that good at football. Okay. So you think it's an internal thing that, like, you know,

if you could play like Zlatan. If I could play like Zlatan, then I would be like Cristiano Ronaldo. Right, yeah. You know that. Cristiano Ronaldo just doing that. CR7. CR7. CR7.

When he takes his shirt off and like, like tenses so hard so that you can see this six pack. His celebration where he runs, runs, he runs, does a spin and turns into action man in the air. Do you know what I mean? Just like this puppet.

Just like, oh my God. It's my favourite thing. I have a, I have a friend who I greet, I greet like that. That's great. I love that. Oh, my God. It's my favourite thing. I have a friend who I greet like that. That's great. I love that. That's so good.

Zlatan is fascinating. There's this whole mysterious, mythological thing around Zlatan and the things that Zlatan's meant to have said and done. I don't know if any of it's true. Do you know what I mean? The cult of Zlatan. I'm just really glad that he played in the Premier League for a little while. Me too.

I'm glad we had him. I know. And I am glad that he did well, but Man U didn't do well while he was there. Yes. Because then he would have become insufferable. Oh, totally. Yeah. But he still managed to turn it into this narrative of like, again, like, you're welcome.

Yeah. I am God. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to see me. I graced you like, you're welcome. Yeah. I am God. Yeah, yeah. And you got to see me. I graced you with my presence for a short period of time. Okay, so Zlatan, very much justified first choice. And who's going to be second choice?

So in a similar kind of way, another personality type that I'm both fascinated and disgusted by is this character that I've kind of made up called Jane and she's an amalgam of like the most boring people you'll ever encounter. So the sort of the wine o'clock live love, love kind of person who like has no opinion about anything. And people that are just boring fence sitters are a so interesting to me because i can't understand how you could be a person that doesn't have an opinion

and i don't care what the opinion is just get an opinion yes okay and um but equally i find that again i guess it's that thing of I find it okay to watch from afar. But when it came to being stuck on a desert island with them, I think I would do my nut. Yeah. Because you'd be looking at Zlatan going like, you're absolutely awful. And then you'll go, Jane, isn't he awful? And she'll kind of go, hmm. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? So I think in combination. I think he's all right. Oh, let him get on with it. He's a nice young man. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? So I think in combination, I think he's all right. Oh, let him get on with it. He's a nice young man. Oh, yeah. But we all know a Jane. Do you know what I mean?

We do all know a Jane. Or a Jo. It could be a Jo. It could be a Jo. Look at you, trying to be all peace. It could be a Jane. It could be a Jo.

Yeah, but yeah, I think, yeah, we all know a Jane. Live, laugh, love. Oh my God. That is, that like epitomises it. It's perfect. That's on the mantelpiece.

Do you know what I mean? On the mantelpiece. Yeah. And it's also just like, if you're going to have like a generic quote on your wall, couldn't you get a more interesting generic quote at least? Totally, yeah. couldn't you get a more interesting generic quote at least totally yeah it's it's just that is the most simple life mantra to live by live life love it's there it's on the wall and right next to it is like um a black and white picture of uh new york but the the taxi yeah perfect there it is

right there okay she'd probably be like whittling one on the, like a live, laugh, love on the island kind of thing. Okay. While I'm the only one trying to chop the wood. I think the fact that Jane whittles is a bit too, maybe a bit too creative. Maybe Zlatan's off whittling for her then. I love the wine o'clock though, that's great.

It is wine o'clock. It is wine o'clock. Jane, it's a desert island. We don't know what the time is. It's not wine o'clock though that's great it is wine o'clock it's wine o'clock jane we it's a desert island we don't know what the time is it's not wine o'clock yes okay yes a jane i think like a few janes instantly come to my head and that would be so frustrating on an island it's just like you need someone to back you up and it's just kind of like or just someone to have like a laugh with yeah like you probably you on the island you'd like accidentally eat some of her coconut and she's sent send an all-star female yes exactly yeah yeah you are barely living life you're definitely not laughing right now okay jane anything else on jane before we put jane on

the island i don't think there's anything else about Jane. Oh. And that's the problem with Jane, isn't it? I've got nothing more to add. She's boring. We're drawing a line. I'm the Jane. When I saw that you were going to pick Jane, I thought...

Did you think that I... I thought maybe. I just didn't know. I just didn't know. I think I had a friend called Jane that I was going to... I thought maybe you were going to cut something really deep i was just like my mum jane yeah you're like oh okay but yes we know a jane right jane goes on the island who's gonna be a third choice well my third choice i've gone for someone that probably would have been quite relevant about two

years ago but he remains to this point still incredibly annoying the go compare man yes the go compare man and i feel like i feel like he's not in the public consciousness so much anymore even though he still is on those adverts and i feel like he's a bit like global warming like we've kind of all accepted that it's not great but it's you know sticking around that kind of thing to compare the Go Compare Man to global warming is pretty harsh. I mean, it is harsh and I do apologise for that. No, but it is good. It's really good. I mean, it needs to go away, right?

Are you calling him it now? The Go Compare Man and global warming, hand in hand, needs to disappear. Those are our two causes. Into an unseasonable sunset. Those kids that did the march in Brighton, it wasn't just about global warming, it was about the Go Compare man as well. Exactly, yeah.

Well, whoever came up with that, they need to, you know, check themselves because that is really, really awful. But they've done what they intended to, haven't they? Which has got us talking. Yeah. We can all sing the Go Compare song, can't we? So their task has been complete.

Are you going to... I thought you were going to break into Go Compare. Absolutely not. Oh, no. I mean, the Go Compare man himself, that person, whoever that actor is, dressed as the Go Compare man, has done pretty well for himself, right? He's done really well for himself. So I'll always remember this moment. I was at the

Edinburgh Fringe in 2015, I think, doing like a really bad play at uni. And there was this woman on the show after us and she watched our show one day, so we promised we'd stick around. And she was doing this kind of storytelling of her life. Right. Kind of. And she was an opera singer as well. So she'd tell a story of her life and then she'd sing a song that was from her life. Wow. And she told us that where she studied, she studied with Rydian Roberts and the Go Compare Man.

No way. And she said he's a really nice bloke. And obviously 2015 was kind of the height of all of the hatred Compare Man. No way! And she said he's a really nice bloke. And obviously 2015 was kind of the height of all of the hatred towards him. And she said that she felt absolutely awful for him and he's actually a very talented, great singer. So, although he's incredibly annoying, on the desert island,

I'll be missing music, won't I? Yes. So I could get him to sing, you know, some of the classics for me. That's good. Nessun Dorma. Or like Poker Face or something. That's great in an opera style.

Yeah, yeah. Great. I might see if he's got a pop repertoire. You never know. Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's good. I thought you meant the opera classics. The opera classics.

The only one you could think of is Nessun Dorma. That's all I've got. That's all I've got in my arm room. I have no idea. I'm not very cultured. I think neither am I. No, okay, fine. Okay, the Go Compare man, yes.

I think actually you're right. Although he has brought much pain to us over the past few years, maybe he would be kind of entertaining. He could be an asset. He could be an asset in a way. But as the character, the Go Compare man, only being able to reel off Go Compare, that would be a killer.

An absolute killer. That'd be like game over. That'd be like, look, Zlatan, how good's your karate? Do your worst. Take me out. End me now. Okay, go compare. Anything else on go compare?

I don't think so. I think we all know he's awful. But he's probably raking it in, so fair play to him. How long can they draw this out for, right? I mean, there are infinite places that you could put the go compare man it's dangerous isn't it so it might it might it might go on forever as long as as long as global warming which is gonna be forever great go compare um i'll warn my kids um great uh thank you very much chloe now mercifully among the wreckage of the

plane there's some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh least favorite food sweet corn sweet corn in any form okay although i might eat it on top of a pizza. Right. And you have done in the past? I have done in the past, yeah. Right, okay. Just like overlook it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's pizza in it.

Yeah, yeah. There's enough going on to kind of... There's a lot going on. There's enough grease to kind of overwhelm the sweet corn flavour. So why sweet corn? I just... I don't really like the flavour. Mmm.

Which I think is a good enough reason really isn't it that's top of the barrel just don't like it don't like it done um i obviously think that there's the obvious reason of how it comes out in your poo yes right yeah yeah and it's just very unpleasant yeah why is that you just we're not meant to eat it? I don't know. I don't know. There must be something about it that's resistant to our... Stomach acid. Stomach acid.

And the rest of the digestion process. Yeah, well, why? It's weird, isn't it? I really can't... The only thing I can think of is it's quite small, so maybe the intestine doesn't catch it. Maybe. Yeah, that's science.

It could be. Great, that's that. Sweet. Science sorted. Tick. Can I say something? I've had a thought for quite some time. Yeah, do.

And I haven't known the forum in which to voice this thought, and I think it could be quite a disgusting thought. I think this is it, yeah. Okay. You might have to edit this out because it's really nasty, all right? And for the next sort of two minutes, if you don't like graphic stories about poo,

then I would skip, okay? I've got two kids. I'm good. I'm in. So you know how it goes through your body and comes out in the form? Of a poo, yeah. Of a poo.

Yeah. But, like, you've got whole bits of sweet corn right if you had to do a stool sample and you did your stool sample into your piece of newspaper yeah and then you got your little scooper to put it in the pot yeah if you scooped out the sweet corny piece of poo put it in the pot and sent it off yeah do you think the person in the laboratory would be able to do all the tests that they needed to do on your poo off the piece of that sweet corn oh i genuinely don't know that's so good i'm not sure me either but it's really been problem or would that sway it would that like would it would it be like would their test

like they do on the litmus paper i'm just gonna try and use the science i don't really know or whatever they put it in uh and swill it around with a little glass stick um will it come out and and will the sweet corn will you actually get, will you actually get the results from the sweet corn rather than the poo? How weird. No, what I mean is like, has the sweet corn like... Got enough on it? No, got enough of the components. Has it become like enough of a poo to be tested as poo?

I don't know. Do you know what I mean? Or is it just too sweet corny to be poo? I told you it was nasty i still think that it'd be like the most percentage sweet corn yeah less percentage poo yeah but would that i'm thinking would there be enough poo on it for them to do run diagnostics on the poo no because if like you put it in with a bit of poo, they probably just go, oh, we'll just leave the sweet corn to one side.

Ah, and then just work on the poo. But if the bit you scooped up was the sweet corn. Right, I don't know. Is it enough poo to... I don't think it is. I think I know the answer to my question. Yeah, okay. What do you think?

I think absolutely not. It's a piece of sweet corn. It's a piece of sweet corn. I think you're right, yeah. But I'm still intrigued. There's still a little bit of doubt in me. Okay, that it could work out. That it could be poo enough.

This is the kind of thing that I'd love to send in to like... Do you remember Brainiac Science Abuse? That he used to do? Do you remember that? No, I don't. Oh, right. It would be nice, wouldn't it? It was John Tickle from Big Brother, right?

He was on Big Brother and then he did this programme. Do you know brainiac science abuse? I think I can probably fill in the blanks. Yeah. They just ask questions, science questions. He once filled an entire swimming pool with custard and then walked across it. It was incredible. Wow.

It was a defining moment. Maybe not just in brainiac science abuse but in science as a whole like a custard jesus yeah like a custard jesus wow please do youtube it um i think you should youtube it maybe i'll show you it straight after this perfect and can we just uh run through the podcast real quick so that we can get to that video and i urge anyone out there if you haven't seen it to go and have a look but this is the perfect question for brainiac science abuse and welcome back people that have switched off because they couldn't handle our sweet corn poo chat yeah maybe i'll work out some option and edit it in being like if you're not into poo

skip forward exactly one minute 53 seconds just like carry on just like a really shit bandersnatch choose your own podcast adventure i could genuinely shit bandersnatch oh you've chosen the wrong option go back to minute 20 yeah that's it yeah i haven't done bandersnatch by the way me neither no i've heard mixed reviews but i can't bothered no just tell the story for me like i said said, I've got two kids. I'm lucky if me and my girlfriend can watch a half an hour programme without one of us falling asleep or us falling out about something. So Bandersnatch feels like a real chore.

It's like I might have to get a babysitter for an entire night just so we can battle it. And, you know, to be honest, if I've got a babysitter, I want to get as drunk as I possibly can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to spend your babysitter, I want to get as drunk as I possibly can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to spend your babysitter money on watching Bandersnatch. Absolutely not. Yes, I'm sorry.

I've gone on a tangent there. So sweet corn. Sorry, I don't feel like we've got to the crux of why you really don't like sweet corn. Oh, it's the taste. It's the taste. I'm just not interested in it. Do you remember the first time you tasted sweet corn and just thought, no, this isn't for me? I was probably just a interested in it. Do you remember the first time you tasted sweet corn and just thought, no, this isn't for me? I was probably just a kid.

Yeah. And I remember it because I remember thinking, my brother loves sweet corn, but I'm more of a pea girl. So genuinely one of the like, like defining features of, you know when you just get something in your head as a child that's just so insignificant, but you see it as a defining feature of the both of you.

So I just remember Peter liked sweet corn. I like peas. Okay. And then from then on in, is it people that like sweet corn, you kind of tar them with that brush? You're like, oh, okay. I don't hate my brother. Oh, right.

Sorry. I actually love him. Was there something in my tone which said oh he's an awful sweet corn boy yeah it was did your mum have to make separate did it have to be like

well yeah I remember sometimes she'd like accidentally mix the sweet corn in with the peas and then I'd make her separate them again that's a lot of effort how could you mother peas are sweet accidentally mix the sweet corn in with the peas and then I'd make her separate them again. That's a lot of effort, yeah. Yeah. How could you, mother? No, my peas are sweet.

Give them to my disgusting brother. I do know what you mean. I often notice that people, when they pick the food on here, it's like, it's quite, it's sometimes extremes of flavour and for like something that is, it's quite sweet, isn't it? It's quite extremely sweet for a vegetable. I mean, you're coming out with the profundities today. Sweet corn is sweet? I know.

I can't believe it. I don't tout myself as any kind of genius. I'm purely the facilitator of hatred here. Okay, sweet corn is going to be a food choice, and what's going to be a drink choice? I'm going to go with Coke. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Coke. Wow. Again, the reason is just I don't like the taste.

Right, yeah. And I never have understood anyone that likes the taste. It is quite an odd flavour. Like, if you break it down, what does it actually taste of? It's Coke flavour, isn't it actually taste of it's coke flavour isn't it yeah it's just so artificial like anything that can be used to descale a kettle i don't want to be drinking you're right yeah i do remember seeing that on tv when they put like a penny in coke and it came up really shiny brainiac science it could have been brainiac science abuse

you're all of your cultural reference points go back to brainy brainiac science it does that one nests and dorm um uh yeah it is i mean i do i really do like a coca-cola but um this is interesting to me though what is it that you like about it i think just like massive sugary hit oh so that's fine but sweet corn's too sweet maybe you're a hypocrite. Yeah, but I think it's the, like, you're not going to get that jittery, that jittery weird sugar from the sweet corn that you are from the Coca-Cola.

So the combination of the sugar and the caffeine. Yeah. But does it taste nice to you? I think it does, but I, like, I've thought about this quite a bit and I think it only tastes nice because of the effect. Really? Oh, that's interesting.

It's like some kind of beers actually, I don't know if they even taste that nice, but they give you that kind of hit, that kind of effect. And I think Coca-Cola does that. Do you mean that like, because beer absolutely adore that's my choice yeah and but it's that thing of like you're when you're thirsty and it's like a hot day and it's a friday and you've had a long week and you just have your first pint and it's so cold and crisp and delicious but i think in this time that we live in, there's so many beers.

And like, for example, I bought a case of varying beers the other day and I'm going to drink the ones that are like, like a wheat beer. I wouldn't like, I'm not really enjoying that, right? But I know that it's like a beer, so I'm going to drink it anyway because it gives me that same effect,

that kind of like, you know, that kind of feeling of alcohol you know i mean so like i think with coca-cola it's the same it's like uh i'm not sure that the flavor is that good but the sugary high that you get is but would you not rather like have a fanto which tastes a bit nicer maybe i don't know maybe it's just because i've had it so long i'm actually really doubting why I like Coca-Cola now. Yeah, see, it's something we should all interrogate because it's actually disgusting.

Yeah. It's absolutely awful. Like, as a kid, did you try it and just think, no, not having that? Yeah, yeah, even as a kid, like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, because I'm also one of these people that i'm quite potentially impulsive in that if there's like like a immediate gratification situation then i'll always take it so even if i'm full if there's food in front of me i'll still eat it just kind of

absent-mindedly yes or if there's a drink in front of me even if i half like it i'll still eat it just kind of absentmindedly or if there's a drink in front of me even if I half like it I'll still drink it because I'm just like absentmindedly consuming whereas coke I actively would choose not to drink that under any circumstance. Really? Yeah I really

really dislike it. I don't know if I've ever met anyone that doesn't like it that much that's amazing. Yeah I don't think I have really either. Oh, really? Because everyone else would be like, oh, you know, I could take it or leave it, but sometimes I really fancy a Coke. Okay.

Whereas I am the opposite. Do you like tea and coffee? Love tea and coffee. Yeah. Really love tea and coffee. Because maybe, I was thinking maybe it could have something to do with the caffeine, but if you like tea and coffee, I don't know.

That's amazing to me. Okay, Coca-Cola. So you open the cargo hold of the plane and it's just endless amounts of probably warm Coke, and that's all you've got for the rest of your life. I mean, you do know the premise of your own show, right? I know. I do. That's exactly what it will be.

And it's going to be awful. Okay, Coca-Cola is going to be your drink choice. Thank you very much Chloe Chloe fortunately for you you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work

but just your luck it only has two working settings one has your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why

so film film I've gone with A Christmas Carol yes I saw this specifically the Jim Carrey version,

but any version I don't like, including Muppets. And you look shocked by that? No, no. I just, I thought, sorry, I was waiting, but I just, so why specifically

the Jim Carrey version? I've just chosen that because I felt like I couldn't take, under your rules, a range of movies. Yes, right. But I just object to the A Christmas Carol story. Yeah.

Because it's been told so many times in so many different forms. And it was always on when I was a kid. Yeah. And I'm just so bored of it. Yes. so bored of it yes and it's one of those things where like other other films that i don't like the narrative isn't so much in the cultural consciousness that you kind of like you can get through it because things will happen that you've forgotten and it can be surprising but a christmas carol is so formulaic yeah that you know that you've got to find out he's a bad guy.

Then he's got to have three ghosts come and then he finds out he's a good guy. You know exactly where you are at every point in that story, which means that you know how long there is left of the stupid film to go. You're right. You know how many beats get hit and that makes it even longer because you're like, oh, please, the next bit come. Oh, please, the next bit come. I hate it.

I hate it so much. I know what you mean. I'm tired of it. I mean, and that's going to be around for the rest of our lives. For the rest of our whole lives. How about, you know, that new film Yesterday?

Oh, yeah, the Beatles one. Where the whole world has forgotten about the Beatles. I wish that we could wake up and the whole world had just forgotten about A Christmas Carol. Okay, so then what if you were the only one that remembered about A Christmas Carol? How would you play it? Bury it.

I think I'd bury it. I think I'd just... Would you not try and capitalise on the story? I don't. I think I'd bury it. Yeah. I think I'd just... Would you not try and capitalise on the story? I don't think you'd be able to nowadays. No. Not even? Mm-mm. I think that one I'd just go,

do you know what? I'm not going to try and make my millions out of this. I'd rather the world not have it. Oh, I think you're right. It's just, it is so long-winded. And like, it's just like, if you see the Muppppets one it's on every christmas though they're all on but the muppets ones on every christmas and it just starts and

you hear that music and you just think oh my god you think oh i've got a whole three ghosts worth to get through before i'm even near the end eliminate oh my god The story is so tired, isn't it? Okay. But I do like Dickens in general. Okay. Like Great Expectations is my favourite book. Great. I just think it's not his fault. Yes.

I think it's our fault that we just, I don't think we've got like a wealth of Christmas stories. So we just rehash the old ones. Right. Yes. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

I think you're right. It's the same reasons why we're going to have to listen to those Christmas songs all the time. It's like no one can really break through with another really good Christmas song. I think it's the same with Christmas films. It's like Elf comes up a lot on this, and I get it. You just can't make a new classic.

Yeah. It's interesting that Christmas films come up a lot because I guess it's that thing of because they're so annual they stick in people's minds absolutely and it is that thing of being forced to sit and watch something because like we consume in such a way that there's so much out there we can pick what we want yeah at christmas it's that thing of you're all sitting around with your grandparents and your parents and you just turn the telly on and you have to watch it. Yes, I know. Yeah, it's the way I do fear that I'm going to have to go through all of this with my

kids. Oh, and they're going to do it at school. The thing with kids as well is like they get obsessive, don't they, about things and just want to watch the same thing over and over. Oh, yeah, totally. The amount of times I've seen frozen you wouldn't believe i mean it's a banger though that one so i mean she's still only small and i feel like i don't know how many more times i can watch it before i'm completely broken pretend you lost it i don't know how you can do that She knows it's on YouTube Just say YouTube got lost Oh sorry we deleted YouTube

Oh my god she wouldn't know How would she know? How old is she? Three Yeah she's stupid She wouldn't know Oh my god you're right I could tell her that YouTube isn't there anymore

And then it would be great when she's older Because she can do a tweet like Did anyone else's dad tell them that youtube got deleted yeah oh my god if all other parents could just rise up and make this a thing that'd be great okay maybe that's what i need to do then all right well thank you i feel like you've really helped my life anytime okay the christmas carol anything else on the christmas carol no I'm done. Okay.

A Christmas Carol is going to be your film choice. Thank you very much. And what's going to be your song? My song choice is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. Christina Perri that we just had to look up. That's great. Christina Perri. Jar of Hearts.

Holy moly, this song is bad. Isn't it? Oh my God. Like that. Okay. Jar of Hearts is like. Oh no it? Oh my God. Like, that, okay, Joy of Hearts is like, oh no,

it's not. I was going to say, Joy of Hearts is like a Christmas, like Global Warming, is that what you're going to say? And the Goga Bear Guard

and Zlatan and Jane. Let's go to possibly the worst lyric of all time. Go on. You're going to catch a cold with the ice inside your soul.

How did anyone let that pass? Do you know what I mean? A room full of, or more, a room full of people would have worked on that, right? I just think, like, the comparison between your very being, your soul, and a common cold. It's a very jarring, if you'll pardon the pun, sort of comparison.

Do you know what I mean? It's just like, you're going to catch a cold, so what? And then you have a cold for a week. Because you have an icy soul, okay? You're going to catch a cold. You're going to catch a cold if you carry on this way. Yeah. Yeah, it's exactly that, if you carry on this way. Yeah. Yeah, it's exactly that, isn't it?

I know. What? Yeah, there's so many things wrong. First off, that's not going to happen. Secondly, what a weird thing to say. And it's like, so what? Do you know what I mean? I've pretty much constantly got a cold.

Oh, well, you've got an icy soul, haven't you? Look at this guy, Mr. Meany over here. Going to pretend YouTube doesn't exist. The difficult one about talking about this is because I hate it so much. I haven't really listened to it that much, so I haven't really got much to say. Okay, yeah. It's just a rubbish song. It is, and it's just like, it still goes unnoticed. Every now and again, you're in a shop, you're in Sainsbury's or anywhere.

You're in a, you know, a department store. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Mate, don't carry on. Tell me other places that I could be to hear the song. Other places you could be. You could be in the gym. Perfect. Or you could be in a bank.

I don't know. Keep going. The banks at Musicon. But it just seems like it's on rotation in all the shittiest places and it's one of those songs where i could sing you that the ice inside your soul line and the bit where she goes collecting your jar of hearts but somehow when it comes on i know every lyric how does that happen it's true a jar of hearts is a very disgusting thought as well isn't it how weird would that look just like um just at the back of the cupboard like a jar of hot dogs and how big is this yeah it's a big jar right if it's got multiple hearts yeah it must be

a big jar like yeah i mean your average size jar what how big is it? Like a foot, half a foot tall, like a few inches tall, a jam jar, one heart max. And you have to push really hard to get it in there. Maybe it's not a song, maybe it's not a metaphorical song about love and heartbreak. Maybe it's about an organ harvester. Oh, okay, now here we go.

And he's definitely going to catch a cold with the ice inside his soul. Yeah. That's wrong on many levels. That is, yeah. You have to,

like, depend, well, I mean, depending on how many jars they want to collect, you know, he's obviously not a very good

heart collector because he'd have to have a massive jar. He or she would have to have a massive jar. Oh, thank you for clarifying. I love how you're so obsessed with gendering correctly. I am.

In these fictional situations. I am very, very, very obsessed with it. Perfect. Okay, jar of hearts is going to be a strong choice. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I think I'm just going to be some choice. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I think I'm just going to straight up go alligator. Oh my God, that's good.

Yes. I want it to be interesting, but I'm just really scared of them. Really? And I think quite justifiably. Why? I mean, I don't think being scared of alligators is an unreasonable thing. I don't have a phobia of the thought of an alligator, just like I don't have a phobia of the thought of a shark.

But if I was faced with either of them, I think I would do the natural thing, which is be very scared. Right, okay, yes. But there's something particularly creepy about an alligator. They're terrified. Like that long old mouth and they can run really fast given how small their legs are and how weird they are.

And I just think if I was with Zlatan, Jane, the Go Compare man, eating my sweet corn, drinking my Coke, watching a Christmas carol, listening to Jar of Hearts

and then a big old alligator came. Oh my God, yeah. That's just nasty, isn't it? Oh my, it's terrifying. Yeah, absolutely terrifying. I mean, imagine being chased by an alligator and that's the way you go. That's the last thing you experience.

Like you die in the chase. Like you can't run enough so you just have a heart attack. You was going to get away. Just eaten. No, but you'd be eaten. I don't know. Imagine that, though, being attacked by an alligator.

That would be horrific. I'm going to choose not to imagine it. Okay, right, yeah. When have you ever been confronted with an alligator? Never. I don't even think I've seen one in the zoo. No, okay, yeah. Do they have them in London Zoo?

Don't know. I don't remember seeing one. I have seen them. Have you? Yeah, I went to Thailand, and in Thailand I went to this horrific zoo that was like the most harrowing place you may ever visit where the animals weren't looked after at all. And I didn't know this, right, before I went.

I went and it was horrific. And I won't get too deep on some of the stuff that I saw there. I had to leave fairly quickly after arriving. But the alligator enclosure was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. There was about 40 alligators in this fairly small area. You could walk on a bridge over them and you could buy like chicken carcasses to chuck in

and I saw people buying them and chucking them in and the way that they like fought each other for it oh my they fought each other yeah

it was horrific see now I feel a bit sorry for them oh I'm sorry at the end of the day they're like they are just animals doing their thing

yeah and it's not my fault if I rock up on their island yeah and it's not my fault if i rock up on their island yeah it's true but it'd still be scary right it'd be so scary yeah yeah alligators is such a solid choice terrifying um yeah um do you ever watch bear grills island no i don't okay you show me youtube videos of that at the end as well if you like do you want to see them how long have got? Should we just go for a pint? I'd love to.

Do you know what? I'd absolutely love to. Go for a pint and watch Bear Grylls videos. Pint of Coke. Nice pint of Coke. Nice pint of Coke. Some alligator YouTube videos. Bit of brainiac science abuse.

Jobs again. We can share a headphone and listen to Jar of Hearts if you like. Like the school bus. Okay, alligators are going to be our animal choice. Thank you so much for coming in, Chloe. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. I've had a lovely time.

Chloe, if people want to find you, where can they find you? So they can find me on Twitter, at Chloe Pets. Great. That's two Ts. With two Ts. Papa, Echo, Tango, Tango, Sierra. That's how you spell my name. That's two T's. With two T's. Papa, Echo, Tango, Tango, Sierra. That's how you spell my name. That's great.

And I'm also part of a queer comedy collective called The Lol Word. And we have shows every month in London. We're currently at the Vault Festival. We have a gig this Thursday. So that will be Thursday the 28th of of feb if you're listening to this this week um if not then we're sold out for march but then we'll be back at the albany last thursday of every month from april that's great no it's really fun it's like super queer super inclusive we welcome straight people too um and we always just have such a great time oh thank you so much for coming in

i really appreciate it thank you take care mate Bye.