Desert Island Dicks - CHLOE RADCLIFFE

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

We back! And don't we have some treats for you. Kicking off this run of episodes we have American comedian and actor Chloe Radcliffe. Fresh from the red-eye flight from New York, Chloe nails the brief perfectly. Chloe is at the Soho Theatre 15th-17th of May so GO SEE HER LIVE Let us know what you think in the comments or @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Chloe Radcliffe. Hi Chloe. Hello. You've just got off a plane yourself. Yeah.

It's crazy. Yeah, I feel a little crash landed right now. Literally. Just so you flew on, I think what you guys would call the red eye. Yes. Do we call it that? Yeah, I guess we could.

Wow, you don't. We don't really. That was a lie from a Brit, from the other Brit in the room. Yeah, yes, yes, I believe we do. Yeah, we do. So you flew overnight, did you sleep on the plane? I took two sleeping pills and then I had that, you know, that sleep where you are sort of like, I'm aware of the fact that I'm on a plane, which means I'm not really asleep, but also time is not moving at the normal speed, so I must be half asleep. That is what I do on every plane, Jenny,

where I take the pills and then I check, I see the minutes go past every 15 minutes or whatever. That's a nightmare. Yeah. I had the better version. I had the version where I didn't have to, I like had no energy to look at a clock at all. You just lay there.

I just sort of was like, I just know that my neck hurts. My neck is in pain. Were you in the middle side? Window. When that's, when you, I think you need that. Yeah. You need a little, somewhere to rest your little head. Yeah.

Yeah. I like stacked my backpack and then another bag. I've developed this whole system because I fly here so much. You're such a good traveler, I feel like you must have really good tips. I have. Yeah, I like stacked my backpack and then another bag. I've developed this whole system because I fly here so much. Yeah, you're such a good traveler, I feel like you must have really good tips. I have, yeah, I have. I mean, I think all my tips are like inane

and I think I'm a maniac, but so like I stacked my backpack like soft side toward the window. So like the hard back, you know, the flat back is like facing me. Then I bring a spare tote bag and I stuff it with clothes out of my roller bag.

So I really only have two bags, but then I create a third out of this tote bag that is this like tote pillow. And then I put that on top of the backpack. And then I have the little airline pillow as a soft final layer. It's kind of like on the seat on the armrest. Yeah, the backpack is sitting on the armrest leaning against the window because the window is actually too far.

Yes, and the head is at a bad angle. Right, right, right. And probably, you know, the haters would say I could buy a neck pillow, but I- Those neck pillows, they're not good. Yeah, I've never tried them, but I've always sort of had the general sense that they're bad.

They're bad, and you're right, you need a rest. And I refuse to allow any empirical data to change my mind. I have so many of those pillows, because I always find me in a panic at the airport, they're bad. They're bad. And I refuse to allow any empirical data to change my mind. I have so many of those pillows because I always find them in a panic at the airport and then take them home and then I'm like, I forget about them. But then now they're just there and they just don't do anything. That's, I really should actually, I should find somebody who doesn't want their neck pillow and try it. I'm going to give you a neck pillow. Okay. I should have brought it today. That's so stupid. Yeah, you should

have. Yeah, you should have read my mind. I should have thought of this. I'll never forgive myself. I think, I mean, the dream would be to have a regular today. That's so stupid. Yeah, you should have. Yeah, you should have read my mind. I should have thought of this. I'll never forgive myself. I think, I mean, the dream would be to have a regular pillow. Like I'm always so impressed by people that bring like an actual pillow and they sleep with an actual pillow. Now you used the word impressed there. Is that, would you, do you want to have another go at that? I'm easily impressed. Let me tell you, I'm very easily impressed. But I think that's nice.

What a great way to live. I could do that so easily, I guess. That is an option available to me. I guess it's a great way to live when you are in the seat. The process of getting from your home to the airplane seat with a bed pillow, that is what I don't, that's not how I would wanna live. Yeah. Necessarily. Yeah, yes.

But once you're in the seat with a bed pillow, yes, I agree. You know what, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna report back. Okay. And I'm not gonna be able to bring anything else on the plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna be able to read or eat.

You could bring an air mattress. Bring an air mattress and a bed pillow on the plane, you don't have to read or eat. You could bring an air mattress. Bring an air mattress and a bed pillow on the plane. I blow up an air mattress. Those are your carry-ons. That's great, that's great. Chloe, thank you so much for coming in straight off the plane. How did you find putting together

your choices for the island? I am, well, okay, so part of being on this podcast is to promote a run of my solo show in May, in mid-May at Soho Theater. And so I want to come off as likeable. And the issue is- You are likeable, you're innately likeable. Thank you, thank you so much.

The issue is that- We'll see you at the end of this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of my answers is, I think unfortunately maybe gonna make me very unlikable. Okay. Yeah. Okay, but I think that's what people want these days.

They want a bit of edge. They want drama. Yeah, they want drama. They want someone to get their teeth into. They don't just want somebody saying the same old things, you know. All right. We'll see. We'll see.

We're going to find out. Okay. Okay. Who's the first person? Okay. The first person that I would not like to be stranded with is a man who refuses to shave his head, even though he's obviously going bald. Because I think that that is a person.

Why are you looking at me? Yeah. I just think that that is a person who can't cope with the reality of their situation. Thank you for coming in. Speaking of James, let me tell you a little bit about James. It's really good that you're here to let him know. James, don't you agree? Wow! He's actually sensitive about this because the barber said, do you want these sprinkles on your hair?

And you're like, oh, what's that for volume? And they were like, no, no, to like add hair thickness. So you've really touched a nerve here. Poor James, that's so sweetly in the corner. You got him. Well, I didn't think I was gonna come off this unlikeable this early. Unlikeable right from the top.

Out of the gate. This episode is going on. Yes, I know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. An inability to let go and accept what is happening. Yes, and be who you really are and face the circumstances that we're in, this clinging to what you wish the circumstances were is not going to help when we're deserted down an island. We have to face the reality of the problems in front of us. Yeah, or above us.

Or above us, yeah. In some cases, yeah. So you think that the lack of letting go of the few stray hairs on the head suggests a personality trait? I think it's, I find that they wind up frequently. So now I really, I have this written down. This is not about you, James, at all.

Your hair is so thick and full. It's beautiful. That's just an opening anyway. No, I had an old- He's gonna come in shaved head. First of all, I think that shaved heads are like very attractive. I think that shaved heads are like very attractive. I think that men who shave their heads are very easy checking in the selfie camera.

Did you just look at yourself in the mirror? Well, I fucked it. Yeah, it can be really attractive because, and apparently it's that because you've got so much testosterone. Right. That's what it is. James, you're overflowing with testosterone. You have too much testosterone. That's what it is. Yeah, it's that, and then frequently they wind up being hairy, like they like have these big bushy beards or what, you know, like arm hair or whatever.

And I actually, I would rather, I find the beard and the no hair confusing because I think I'm looking at something upside down. Oh, interesting. If they don't have the hair on the head, I don't want it on the chin. Oh. And that's just my personal choice. And I'm a beard stubble, I think I'm like always a stubble person.

Always stubble, even if there's nothing on top. Even if there's nothing on top, yeah. Too clean is, I mean, I'm not, it's like too egg. Too egg. Too. It is too egg., it's like too egg. Too egg. Too. It is too egg. Egg. It is too egg.

It is too egg. Yes. It also just is a little, it starts to get a little like, you know, recent chemo, you know? Are they, is it a choice? Are they sick? Yes. Or are they, are they sort of trying to make an homage

to too chemo chic? Is that, am I going to get cancelled? We have not gotten to the unlikable part yet. Chloe trying her best to be likable. God I'm trying so hard. You're just going to look out into the audience, there's going to be a guy with three hairs on his head who's already booked his tickets. It's too late for him just looking at you so furiously. So mad. Okay, so yes, so men or women.

Or women. That have a few hairs and the path is clear. It's clear what's happening. It's clear what's happening. And it's this weird combination of like phony, like insecure, you can sort of like feel the hollow insecurity inside, but then what it reads as is this external

like weird phony machismo, you know? And it just, it like, I just don't think, it feels phony to me. Yeah, and you want authenticity. If you're trapped in desert island, this is your worst desert island. I think they deserve authenticity. Oh yes, wow, shut the fuck up Chloe. Oh yeah? Do these balding men deserve to live authentically?

They deserve to live their truth. Shut the fuck up. You can let us know anything you want to cut out and this could be a very short episode. Great. Okay, who's second? Um, let's see. Here's the problem. I came up with so many options.

Wow. For people. Often people find it hard to get three. No, I'm just going to rattle off a couple options. An old person who talks on the speakerphone but still holds the phone by their ear. Yes. You know, but that's fine. I think actually the reason that I wouldn't want to be stranded with them is because they're

old and still be useless, but there is that sort of like classic old, you know, they turn on the speakerphone but then they're still holding it like a phone and you're like, no, no, no, but you, and they don't realize that the reason that they're hearing it is because it's on speakerphone. Yeah. Anyway. I think I've done that. I think I've done that.

Sure. It's something nice about it though. You know when you hold a phone like this? I love doing that. To the side of your ear. I've done that, I think I've done that. Sure. It's something nice about it though. You know when you hold a phone like this? Yes, I love doing that. To the side of your ear. I love doing that, I do that all the time. It's when it's straight up, they think it's not on speaker phone

and they're like, talk quieter. Exactly, exactly. And then we all, if they were doing, if they had the phone like this, I totally get that. That's someone doing a deal. That feels like, if your face is above the phone and it's resting kind of underneath. Yeah, why does that feel so much better? It feels powerful, I totally get that. That feels like if your face is above the phone and it's resting kind of underneath. Yeah, why does that feel so much better?

It feels powerful, I don't know why. Because I guess it's like a microphone. You're speaking into it, maybe for us, it's because we're used to speaking into a microphone. Or why does that feel so good? It's that I don't want my ears to have to be so claustrophobic, you know? Yes, yes, and often my face will touch a button.

Like my face will touch something, it will like, I don't know what it is with my face. Maybe there's like features that are like pointing out a bit or something. Like it's like, it goes badly, whereas this is cleaner. It's cleaner. Yeah, it just feels more efficient, less effort on my part. Yeah. The phone's doing the work. Let the phone do the work for you.

The phone do the work. Okay, so they're going on the island. Who else is on your list? A woman who recently started dating women. Just, they don't shut the fuck up about it. Date whoever you wanna date, fuck whoever you wanna fuck, that's great. Just don't think it makes you more interesting

than the rest of us. But is it that they've suddenly, they've seen the light? They're like, I've got to share with you how bad it the rest of us. But is it that they've suddenly like, they've seen the light, like they're like, I've got to share with you how bad it's been for me. Like they've like, they've been through men. I mean, there's nothing worse. They've been dating men.

Yes. I mean, that it's bad. Yes. And so maybe they found something and they're like, thank God. Yes. I think maybe, maybe it's that I know too many of them who like dated women for six months and then went on to get straight married to a man named Doug. And you're sort of like, why did I spend six months hearing about, you know, the three

women you went on a few dates with? Yeah. And it seems like it could perhaps in some cases be used as a personality trait. Yes. And goddamn, we have not gotten to the unlikable part yet. I'm trying to help you out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, god damn, we have not gotten to the unlikable part yet. I'm trying to help you out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the problem is that it's that, it's the- You hate people living their truth. I hate people living their truth. I hate having to listen to it. Yeah, except I want men to live their truth, but I don't want women to live their truth. I want men, balding men to live their truth. Support men.

But bisexual women, I want them to repress their true selves. Great, could you clip this James? Put this out, get her back to what she said about your hair. Let's get it out there. No, no, it's great. I just have experienced too many millennial women who think that dating women is going to solve the problem. Yes.

And it is always like, no, no, no, no, no. There is some, the call is always coming from inside the house. There is a deep rooted problem that you have to address. Yes. Yeah, yeah, I get it. And, all right. Well, let's see if there's other, okay. Um, any member of the audience from either of my worst bombs?

Yeah. Yeah. That is so bad because no matter how well you do afterwards, if they've seen you bomb for the first time, they cannot change that impression of you, I think. And they cannot not be patronizing when they speak to you. They cannot look at you and like without a, oh, how are you doing kind of vibe. Yeah. You're like, no, this is my job. Like it genuinely goes, can you imagine if it always went this badly, I obviously wouldn't be doing it. This is a one-off, but they can't see it. My, my like big worst, my first big first and worst bomb was, um,

I got a big industry showcase. I got selected for a biggest industry showcase early and like too early. Yeah. Yeah. Like I was probably two years into standup and got put on this big showcase. And there were two shows, there was an early show and a late show, and the early show went well. And I had told myself like, you don't have to be the best on this show, you just have to be middle of the road, you just have to not stand out.

Hold your own. Yeah, hold your own. Other people can be the highlights, you just have to look like it's not an insane mistake for you to be here. And that is how the first show went and I was so pleased with that, that I got really fucking drunk before the second one. And it was so bad. I spent the whole set being, just in my head being like, don't seem drunk, say the words, don't seem drunk,

say the words, don't seem drunk, say the words, don't seem drunk. And I had a few friends in the audience and I was like, was it as bad as it felt? And they were like, well, it wasn't good. Oh boy. No, lie, lie. In those cases, just lie.

When your friends, when three separate parties of friends who are all independently reporting, when none of them lie, you're like, oh, it was really bad. Yeah, they can't even say anything to make this better. Because the problem is when you're like, oh, it was really bad. Yeah. They can't even say anything to make this better. Yeah. Because the problem is when you're drunk is that your timing can be so off. And it can be so disconnected. So confusing for audiences to watch because it seems, it can seem so stilted.

It's such a confusing thing to witness. So stilted is exactly so wooden. Yeah. Oh, that's bad. That's bad. And the thing is as well when it's in just like, my agents still have, I still do industry showcases for them and sometimes before I go on, I think,

well, I could just burn my whole career to the ground. Let's try this. It's such a bad feeling. Let's try. How are you on like high pressure showcases? It really depends. It's like, if I can, I have to just try and find the fun in it.

Like I have had things where the pressure has been high and I have just panicked. And if I panic, then it's like, I go quickly and I try and make people like me. And that is the most unlikable thing you could ever do is to try and be likable. And that's why on this podcast. You come on to this podcast thing.

I'm not trying to make anybody like me. But that is the way to be. And as soon as you start being like, oh, how do I make them like me? You're fucked. You're completely fucked. It's so, people are repulsed by it. That is actually, that's such a...

I am dealing with that in a different, not a standup, but like a high pressure industry circumstance right now that's sort of an ongoing project. And I am coming in with the sense of like, I want these people to like me. And it's not, it's like, it's so backfiring. Yeah. I, and I've had this, I've had this experience on a few jobs and I'm just happened to be like in the middle of it right now where I, you know, the feeling

of when you're at a party and you say something stupid and then you get in your head and you're like, why did I say that stupid thing? Why did I say that fucking stupid thing? And then you go quiet and you're like, everybody is thinking about how dumb, how that fucking stupid thing that I just said. And except they're not, nobody, nobody even noticed it. Nobody, nobody thought anything of it.

And you get really in your head and you are like, stop fucking, you're trying to edit yourself and then You really overthink the next thing that you're gonna say and so then the next time you pipe up Suddenly it is really weird and suddenly it is really stupid and suddenly it is stilted and wooden and awkward and this time everybody is like The fuck was that thing you just said and then you get in your head and then the cycle just never ends. That is what happens to me when I am trying to make people like me or be successful. I'm exactly the same.

And I think with things with comedy, I think sometimes the best attitudes can either be like, when you go on stage and you're either a bit pissed off from your day or a bit angry about something and you go on with that attitude, or you just feel so lucky to be there and so grateful and just like, oh, I'm just so happy to be involved. Like those are two great places to come from with stand up. But as soon as you start being like, oh, I need this, then comedy is like, ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes. As soon as you need it, it thinks this is going to be really fun for us. Yes. Yes. As soon as you need it. I once, you're getting this story. We'll see if this is, it's tangential. We'll see if it's related at all. You're getting this story because I have not slept. The only time that I've been in a K-hole from Ketamine, I bike everywhere in New York,

and my bike was locked up outside the apartment where I was in the accidental K-hole and had not planned, had planned to be, had planned to sober up and bike home. And instead I did a lot of ketamine and then was stuck at this apartment. And my friends who were there were like, you're not, obviously you're not biking home.

You're laying in this bed until you come out of the K-hole and then we're putting you in a cab and you're gonna go home. And I was like, but my bike, my bike, my bike is outside. And what am I gonna do? Oh, and I had a 7 a.m. flight home for two weeks for Christmas the next morning that's what it was so they were like you are going home we're setting your alarm for 5 in the morning you're gonna call a cab to the airport whatever it was and I

was so panicked about my bike and they were like we'll look we'll pull it inside this apartment and you can leave it in the basement for two weeks and it's fine come back and get it after Christmas. And I, my lock is really sticky. And I told the guy, my friend who was like taking the most care of me, I gave him my keys and he was like, I'm going to go get your bike. I'm going to, I promise it's going to be fine. And I said, the lock is really tough. You have to not want it. And he was like, okay, man, I don't know what that means. I know exactly what you mean. As soon as you panic and you try and it was not going to

work for you. Then it just goes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, that is a lesson for life. And it was all, and it feels, yes, you have to not want it. Yeah. The only time I've ever been in a K-hole, I was at a party and everyone just stepped around me. Sure. Okay. So I feel like you've listed quite a few people there.

Is there anything else that you wanted to add? You've kind of, we only asked for three and you've really taken this as a writing exercise. The last one was, speaking of writing exercise, a person who's really good at building seafaring boats but doesn't want to because they accidentally killed their dad the last time they tried to make a boat. I would hate to be stuck on a desert island with that person. Anyway, how we doing folks? I flew overnight. We're here.

So Chloe, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over but unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? The food is... I mean this is... you are getting my answers through delirium. The food is any condiments that come in a little packet. Yes, it's never enough. Those tiny ketchup. It's never enough. It's always so slippery. You can't get it open and then it squeezes out. It's all over your fingers and you waste a ton of the condiment in the squeeze. Chloe, this is absolutely true. Why is nobody dealing with this? Thank you. I am like how

science has to have found a better way to deliver condiments than the little rip packets. They're so small and it's never, it's a tiny amount and it goes everywhere and they're so, why are they so hard to rip? The whole point is you rip them. And you can't. Why can't you rip them? Totally. And at the end, if the end, and how, how they are set up to rip is vertically, except then at the end, when you're're squeezing it out they're squeezing out through this horrid vertical cut rather than like you could

you could have the rip across horizontal I just don't understand off the whole top and then squeeze from beneath right and having to have your hands and then it always sometimes comes out like diagonally it totally coming out straight where you want it to it comes out like I just don't understand how we haven't created a better then there's those tiny little ketchup bottles, the tiny glass ketchup bottles, and they feel so wasteful. You can never get all of the ketchup out, and then you have this little lump of glass,

and it's like, what are, I guess glass recycling is the only thing that doesn't end up in the ocean. I don't know, anyway, I just feel like we have to put a little bit more R&D. This has really made me think. Usually, this is, these are smart ideas. Usually people are coming in and they're like, oh, I hate tomatoes. This is great.

Great. This is really, this is some, whatever's happened on that plane. Thank you. We need to send you back. I thought about it as I was flying, I was like, what if this plane crashed? What would I not want to find? Yeah, and if you were desperate for food and stuff, and then you have to try and-

Calories, and then you waste it all, and then you get sand in the ketchup. Nightmare. Oh, God, it's stressful. Okay, what about drink? Unnatural wine. Wait, unnatural wine. Not like-

So it's not natural wine, it is unnatural wine. Right, not like unholy wine. Yeah, so wine, I like to drink very much. Oh yeah. But... Oh yes you do. What gave it away? No, but all wine gives me a headache, gives me a hangover while I am drinking it.

Like, while I am still in the process of finishing a glass, I'll get like, headachy and sleepy and stuffed, like stuffed sinuses and just feel. But you're telling me there is a wine that this doesn't happen with? Natural wine. I haven't drunk for three months and it looks like she's back, baby. She back. Why haven't you drank for three months? I vomited all of New Year's Day. Ooh. And I thought something has to change.

Sure. But what's changed is I've now discovered natural wine. Yes and you can't, it is physically impossible to get a hangover from natural wine. That's not true. Anyway. Yeah it's. But you don't get headaches?

Yeah it's that there's no, I always mix up sulfites and sulfates. One of them is wine and one of them is shampoo. Yes, even if I'm allergic maybe to like some kind of sulfite. The wine one. Sometimes I vomit after drinking too much wine the whole next day for like 12 hours. Totally, totally, totally.

That's, yeah, it's the sulf, whatever, those things. Fuck me up, absolutely destroy me. And natural wine, which is like the kombucha of wine. I'm actually on my phone. But like, how would you know if it's natural? Well, then you have to ask. try me. And natural wine, which is like the kombucha of wine. That's my phone. But like, how would you know if it's natural? Well then you have to ask. So the problem with natural wines is not the drink itself. The problem with natural wines is that you have to become the white woman who's going, I'm sorry, are any of these wines natural? And it's not organic and it's not biodynamic

and it's not like those are different. You can have an organic wine that gives you a headache while you're drinking it, completely separate thing. You have to be the lady in a bar who goes, and sorry, can I see your list of natural wine? I mean, it's a fucking humiliation. Chloe, I'm a vegan, I can do this. Okay, okay, I believe in you. I've been there, I've done this.

I open up and when they come over and I said, I say, look, I'm difficult, I'm just gonna let you know. I've got allergies, I'm vegan, let's go. And I'll have a natural wine, please. That's why I'm gonna add that to the list. I got allergies, I'm vegan, and why not just keep the trend going? Add another one.

So a natural wine. I think it's not so much a thing over here, really. Maybe it's not really like, I think we just have such low standards for ourselves, maybe. Yeah. We're just like, well, if you drink, you have a headache. I mean, I have seen the WKDs that you all drink. My cousin had one of those in the park on Sunday.

I was going to say, every British person tells me, like, oh, we used to drink these when we were teenagers, and then adults order them at bars. And I'm like, well, you told me that you drank it when you were 14 and now you're 44 and I am watching you drink a neon blue Kool-Aid. I've like tasted it. And you're not, the memory, I don't think I could do it because the memory is so good

and I don't think it will live up to the memory. Like the memory is so good. Like you just have a blue tongue. Like I think it must be like it's probably they probably like change the formula by now because it's probably so toxic. Like it would have been back in the day. I feel like they wouldn't have changed the formula. I feel like Brits, you guys do drink in a way that Americans drink a lot but oh boy you you drink like the world is ending. Well, when I was 19, I lived in New York for a year and I got there and all these kids were getting so drunk.

And I was like, guys, I've been doing this for the best part of a decade. Like what is happening? It was the first time that they'd been drinking and it was crazy. I think the ideal is the European approach where you're having like a little glass of wine within and like we go straight to binge.

Yes. It also, now coming back to the wine thing, you might just have better wines here because you have European wines. I don't know. Anyway, yeah, the ones I'm drinking. Yeah, you guys do. It's a it's a like you sell. We passed a 24 hour gas station that said like, we sell alcohol 24 seven. And I took a picture of that sign because it felt,

look, I live in a sad country. That sign felt sad even by our standards. Yeah, cause you have to go to specific liquor stores now, don't you? And also tobacco stores in America. You can't just go to the news agent and buy like- No, cigarettes you can buy at a gas station. Okay.

Yeah. But you don't have them in like a supermarket. Correct. Yeah. So you can just go to your local Tesco's and get like loads of booze and cigarettes and groceries. Yeah. Booze and cigarettes. Yeah.

Wow. And you wonder why Brits age how they do. Don't look at James again. I know. I really, I was like, duck your eyes down and do not turn And I am NOT making eye contact with James So Chloe fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work But just your luck it only has two working settings one has your least favorite film of all time and one your least favorite song

What are they and why? Love by the beef you said it is instantly in my head it's I'm dancing in my seat it's one of though it I do I mean I think it's the worst song ever made it's 90 minutes long it never stops it's as big as a whale It's so wretched and there's like three acts to the song. Um, and one time... It's too much song for you. Uh, I mean, I hate every part of the song and then it doesn't stop. And one time I did meet at a wedding. I met a couple where the woman said, I get into a flow state when Love Shack comes on.

And she starts dancing by herself. A person whose flow state is Love Shack by the B-52s is an alien to me. Yeah, does she have inner peace or is she very unwell? That's the question. It was really hard to me. Yeah, does she have inner peace or is she very unwell? That's the question. It was really hard to say. Sorry, let me actually answer that. I think that she has some approximation of inner peace.

I do not necessarily think that means she is well. Right, yeah. I think that the access to that peace is not necessarily, speaking of authenticity, an authentic reckoning with her self. She feels peaceful, but everyone else is concerned. Yeah. And rightly so.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah, I hate that song. All I think about is just that love shack. Maybe that's all I just that's on repeat. I don't know any of the rest of it. If you ever are forced to listen to the rest of it, there's so much more. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm with how women are portrayed by male auteurs, particularly when they are movies where it is sort of framed as this woman is drawn intricately

with this like fascinating inner life. And then as a woman watching it, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This woman never reacted, like this woman never reacted like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like a fabric of a personality. Yes, these are just details that you find sexy. Sexy. It's sexy details. What you have done is you've just added sexy details to a lady and that does not a lady make.

Yes, and now we know who you wish would fall in love with you. Maybe the professional. Okay, wait, what is the professional? Leon, I think is what it goes by in your country. We speak the same language. Yeah, but there's a- it's the one where- it's Natalie Portman as a 12 year old with the old guy wanting to fuck her. Yes, ex of mine, we watched it

and I just found it to be such a like creepy, unnerving, off-putting movie. And because of the relationship to Natalie Portman as a child. Yeah, imagine if it wasn't because of that, if you were like, the soundtrack was so great. I didn't like that he was a hit man. Yeah, no.

And look, the thing is that so many men love that movie as a like, it's an incredible film, or whatever. And we turned it off and I was like, wow, I found that like pretty upsetting to watch. And my boyfriend and I got in a fight because I wouldn't, oh, Death Proof by Tarantino also fucking freaked me out. Again, and it's because Tarantino is obsessed with wanting to fuck women's feet, and you- it's just sort of all over that movie, and it's like very violent towards- it just sort of feels like this fantasy played out.

Yeah, and men can't- they can't see it because they can't. Or they like get the- Yeah, they can't- they don't see it, and they get to not see it and they get to see it as just a movie and be like but do you see the storytelling of how the they did that in a one-shot yeah yeah yeah did you see how they just really wanted to fuck a child or kill a multiple adult women yeah sure okay and it just like feels bad to watch and then you wind up getting in a fight with your boyfriend when you go, that feels bad to watch and he goes,

yeah, but you're not acknowledging how incredible the cinematography is. And it's like, yeah, but you're not acknowledging how like visceral the, the, uh, yeah, the violence toward, uh, people who men have an easier time killing is, you know. Anyway, that's probably, does that count? Absolutely that counts. And I'm afraid to say we've reached the part of the show where we ask you what your biggest dick of all the animals is. Yeah. Okay.

So this is the thing that makes me unlikable. Any doodle dog? For fuck's sake, everyone comes in. Oh really? Oh great. Okay. That makes me unlikable. Any doodle dog? For fuck's sake, everyone comes in. Oh really? Oh great, okay. No, it's because I specifically have a doodle. I have a doodle and everyone comes in and they say my dog. And I don't know-

Does everybody say doodle? It's, we've had people say specifically my dog. We've had people say dog owners. Okay. Yes. I don't know if anyone has specifically said doodle dog. Any doodle mix. Golden doodle, schnauzer doodle. Beautiful, hypoallergenic. Yeah, they, they just, um, they are sort of high maintenance embodied in an animal. Look. Particularly how their hair then gets cut. Oh my God, they have too much energy. And the biggest problem with doodles

is that they are always attached to an owner who did not train them. And treats them like a child who deserves to be spoiled, not a child who wants boundaries, which all children and dogs want. When I was pregnant, did I carry my dog like a baby? Yes, Chloe, I did. Have I created a monster?

Yes, Chloe. Yes. Should people go see your show? Yes, you should go see your show still. You can see through me. Yeah. It's so true. It's so true.

Do you have other people in your life that you've- That have doodles? Yeah. It's so true. It's so true. It's, do you have other people in your life that you've, um... That have doodles? Yeah. Oh, totally. I mean, it's so consistent. It's not just you. I want you to know this has actually nothing to do with you. Great.

Great. It's other people. It is other people in my life. I did not know that you had a doodle, if this helps. Yeah, it does. Because people have come on and said, specifically my dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've never a doodle. I did not know that you had a doodle. If this helps. Yeah, it does. Because people have come on and said, specifically my dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've never met your dog.

It has felt personal. My alt for this is a beagle. It's too late. Okay. It's too late to say what you've said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and the thing is, I can't not agree with you. Even though I have it.

And they're so high maintenance, but they're so sweet. Yeah, but the other dogs are also sweet. Also, the problem is just nobody wants to reprimand a dog. Nobody wants to yell at a dog. And the problem is the dog is like, cool, please yell at me. Please be alpha. And we are like, I don't want to yell at you. And it's like, no, the dog wants you to yell at it. The dog wants boundaries like a child. The dog needs

boundaries. What do you do if you are boundaryless? Well, I would say you don't get a dog. Okay, too late. I've got a dog and a child. Okay. But if you're boundaryless with a dog and a child, then you know what? Fuck it. It's working. Live your authentic life. Yeah, I'm living my life. They're very sweet.

Oh yeah. It's chaos. Yeah. And if you're fine with that chaos. I'm not, I really need to help. I need somebody to, I need to meet a man and get this dog in shape, that's for sure. Chloe, thank you so much for coming on and for coming straight from the airport. So you are such a funny standup.

I am annoyingly in Australia for your Soho theater dates. Otherwise I would be there. What the hell? What are the dates and where can people find more information about you? May 15th, 16th and 17th at Soho Theatre. I'm doing my solo show called Cheat and All Three Nights. And I am at Chloe Badcliff on all social platforms,

like my last name Radcliff, but bad. I see why you did that. And all of my dates and info are on all socials or on my website, chloeradcliff.com. Thank you so much for coming on, Chloe. Thank you for having me. You're the best. You're the best.

Thank you. James, your third best. We're tied for first. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!