Desert Island Dicks - CHRIS SKINNER: END OF YEAR SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 27, 2017

It's the End of Year Special and we are joined by The Bugle's Producer Chris! Follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. Hello and welcome to this year-end special of Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you, and here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is producer of the bugle or the bugle zone chris skinner hello james how are you i'm absolutely fine thanks chris how are you right was was it

a mechanical flaw or was it bad weather um that's entirely up to you what do you like to imagine it was mechanical because it was bad weather where we're landing will will probably also have bad weather and that will make getting through this even worse i'd say 90 of the people that have done this so far have um imagined it as a hot island right and in my head it is as well i see it as more like have you ever flown across atlantic yeah from new york to london and you it takes you quite north, almost the Arctic Circle sometimes, I think. And you see these little salt flats out to sea, and clearly you could stand on them, but they look very unstable, and you wouldn't last more than a few hours. That's what I fear it could be, which given that I'd be trapped with the worst people

in the world might not be a bad thing. No, it's true, because you know, it wouldn't last very long. No. I mean, okay, do you want to dive in? Should we go for your first one? Sure. Okay, cool. So the first person who I have witnessed through the wreckage on this very hot or salt flat island is Sean Spicer.

Yes, okay. Sean Spicer. One of the faces of the year, James. Yeah, for anyone that might not know, give them a little bit of background about Sean Spicer. Yes. OK. Sean Spicer. One of the faces of the year, James. Yeah. For anyone that might not know, give him a little bit of background about Sean Spicer. OK, so he for a very brief period was the man who you saw on the television excusing Donald Trump's actions. I'm not sure that was the official job title, but let's just say that was it. And for me, there's no point in going for the big guy.

There's no point in going for the boss here. And with that in mind, I think I could have picked one of a number of people who I thought were classic dicks this year. Okay. So you've got Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who effectively was his boss, I think originally has replaced him as the main person in front of the cameras. There's the guy who sounds like he's off KFC adverts. There's the zombie who's gone back to being a Nazi. There's the president's kids who, to all intents and purposes,

are those awful characters from Iron Fist. Oh, right, okay. And, I don't know, he's like... The thing about Sean Spicer is he's a bit of a figure of fun. But ultimately, he is the equivalent of the low-ranking Nazi guard who was just doing his job.

Okay. I think you're painting a great picture. The fact that people go, isn't he funny? Didn't he say another stupid thing? Makes it all the more frustrating for anyone who's like, hang on,

don't laugh at the fact that he can't say that word like his boss can't say what and he's excusing covfefe and all that the guy's basically condoning some of the worst political actions that you are going to see that the american administration has done oh god for at least a whole eight years yes yeah so he's standing there and he's just backing up all of this awful absolutely and you know what everyone goes america is the land of the free well he should exercise that freedom to fuck off and and and not feel that he has to say such things so on nazis yeah so he is this low-ranking nazi guy and one of the ultimately unforgivable things that he said again that people

have sort of laughed off oh isn't he stupid you might remember earlierivable things that he said, again, that people have sort of laughed off, oh, isn't he stupid? You might remember earlier in the year, he said that Hitler didn't use chemical weapons. Right, okay. Which is, I don't know what the point was, whether it was a defence of Hitler or... I don't understand. I mean, increasingly,

given what we've seen in the news recently, it's quite possible that administration is defending Hitler. He's clearly not heard of Zyklon B, which, as you may or may not know is a chemical pesticide quite popular with the nazis yeah i know yeah um if he didn't know that then i think he had quite a good educate or quite an expensive education so what they teach people there is is also a problem did you did you know he went to a naval war college no i didn't but it doesn't surprise me in the. Did you know he went to a naval war college? No, I didn't. But it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Do you know who else went to a naval war college? Who else?

The other TV president who touched up young men and pushed that lady in front of a train. Wow. Okay. I mean, he's got a name, but and I might be blurring what I saw on TV. I don't know what's real anymore, James.

I think most of us don't. Do you know what I mean? Especially given current events. What's worse about him, James? He only lasted until July. Yeah, so he was only one month. He was only there for one month in office, wasn't he? No, no, no.

I think he started basically when Trump became president. So you've got like six months out of him. And the fact that he didn't stay out makes him part of like the twin pillars of trumpism as far as i'm concerned which is that he is both offensive and fucking useless yeah wow he didn't even have the ability to like stick it out okay yeah and that's you know at least at least just keep going with it you know but so how do you feel about the parodies that were done of him on, like, Saturday Night Live? I think they were too jovial. Yeah. They, like, they sort of made him like this.

And the way, like, people, like, rubbing, like, James Corden, like, patting his head and all that bullshit, it normalises him. Mm. It absolutely, you know, people didn't go up to, Goebbels and sort of like pat his tummy and go. But we're talking on the same scale here. No, he's not on the same scale of Goebbels, to be fair to Sean Spicer. But he still like, he still effectively went up there in front of not just his national media, you know, the unique position that the US is in. He went out there in front of the world's media and said atrocious things.

And then the media industry has lightly ribbed him, you know, consistently then without calling him out for being a king dick. And I think this is the program where we are supposed to sort of do that, is it not? Absolutely, yeah. So, you know, he once dressed up as an Easter Bunny, by the way. This is how, like, he is, like, this fluffy lapdog of the far right. Yeah, OK. So he was there, I don't know, cleaning windows under the George W. Bush regime.

And they needed someone to dress up as the Easter Bunny, and he was the obvious candidate. And yet the obvious candidate to dress up as the Easter Bunny should not be the mouthpiece of the most powerful man in the world. It's ridiculous. He didn't do that this year but it's the kind of shit that is just unacceptable to me.

Not that it's comparable but probably when you were the office intern did you have to dress up as the Easter Bunny before you became producer? No I wouldn't because I've got like self respect i i never dressed up like that and and neither should he yeah no he should go he should have said look i aspire to one day stand at the white house in front of the hundreds and hundreds of cameras the world's like leading journalists And I expect to be taken seriously. Yeah, have some self-respect. Yeah, okay.

So, Sean Spicer goes in as your first dick. And so, Chris, who's going to be your second choice for your Desert Island list? Well, this is a popular recording artist. Fortunately, less popular than he used to be, but still deserves calling out, I think. Which is Chris Brown. The pop R&B singer who released an album this year i don't know what it's called i don't care neither do i haven't listened to it and the reason i've called him out is purely it's not because something he specifically did this year but it frustrates me

so much that someone like this can remain popular despite the fact that he so publicly hit a woman, his girlfriend. And domestic abuse needs to be called out. Definitely. And to be fair, there are lots of people in the press. I'm sure he's lost many fans. He certainly sells worse than he used to. Have called him out.

But still, you know what? Get out of the public profile. Get out of the public eye, rather. You are done. And also, Rihanna. I'm not a big fan of her music. She seems all right. Yeah, yeah.

I think, you know, you shouldn't be doing that. She went to school with England cricketer Chris Jordan. Okay. And he seems like a nice guy, so she gets a pass with me as well. Did he go to school in America? No, Barbados. They're both Bajans. Oh, right. They're both bayesian all right well they're both bayesian by birth um but chris jordan moved to uh the uk in his teens ah okay are they still friends i don't know don't know let's say yes yeah let's

say he called her yesterday and he went how's it going rihanna and she went i'm really happy except there was one thing every now and then i put on like some music channel and i see that douche who hit me still getting like like money for appearing publicly i feel like yeah he needs to be uh well he needs to be brought up on this podcast first of all so thanks for that but i think he needs to be made an example of because it's not behavior that you should condone i'm not saying that someone who doesn't who does a terrible thing can't some way in life sort of try to find redemption or find a way of living their life in an inoffensive way yeah but fuck off out of your pop career yeah for sure absolutely you know like i'm sure i'm sure there is a way he could live a a moral wholesome

life but not despite the bad things he's done. Yeah, well, not just him, but all of these people that are propping him up, you know, keeping this going. Everyone who collaborates with him, fuck them. Yeah, in any way, shape or form. Absolutely. The people on his record label, the people who he sings, raps with, who record his music. Screw those guys. Yeah, yeah.

I actually looked through the contributors to his latest album. Sure. And they fortunately aren't the sort of people who, they're not the big names that you might have, that he might once have been able to entertain a few years ago. Okay. So that was good. Also, like, so there's been a lot of men

called out for doing bad things this year rightly so yeah so weinstein spacey like they're getting that they're just desserts for doing bad things yeah but he just gets like new new releases and you know he's like he's basically music's donald trump you know does terrible things releases bad music. Obviously, you've heard Trump's album, I'm sure. And the punters keep coming back. Yeah, it's awful, isn't it? It's not right.

How can they just forgive that? Do you know what I mean? And just sort of get over it? Why isn't a bigger deal made of what he did? I don't know. I mean, people like... Is he that profitable that they're gonna make go for all this effort i don't know this what's the like separating like life and art can be hard you know

like um jerry lee lewis is it once uh did he not marry his 14 year old cousin please cut that if that's not true i the rumor is that he married his 13 14 year old cousin okay well you've said it as well now. Yeah, but I have the beauty of being able to edit this. Okay, good. But I will look up that. He fucked a cat. Please take that out.

No, no, he may or may not have fucked a cat. He may or may not have fucked a cat. He wore a skin of badgers. Yeah. Did he do that? May or may not have, I don't know. He humped a plane in mid... The reason this plane crashed

is because Jerry Lee Lewis jumped up into the sky and humped a plane. Yeah. And now I'm stuck on a desert island with Chris Brown and Sean Spicer and Jerry Lee Lewis's rancid old... Have we taken a diversion? We have, but it's okay.

People do. Okay. Okay, Chris Brown. Yeah, just an out-and-out dick. Yeah. Yeah, it's just such a justified... Sing me a Chris Brown song. I couldn't.

Good. I couldn't. I have no idea. Often on this podcast, it's my job to play devil's advocate and sort of try and see light. I just can't, you know. All right, okay. What if I'd said,

okay, so I've given Jerry Lewis. What about Michael Jackson? People still love that guy. I know he's getting loads of special programming still made about him, West End plays. Yeah. That guy, though it was never proven, Yes.

clearly was a bit rum. I put in the same category. But never convicted. No. No, that's true. And that's probably true of *** as well. This is going to be a nightmare for you to edit, isn't it? I know, yeah. Please, can you legal this entire

thing? Yeah, well, I mean... Just bleep stuff, you know. Yeah, I'll bleep it. I'll watch this programme be really short. Chris Skinner, who's going to be your third choice for your Desireland? So my third choice is sort of breaking the rules a little, but I hope you don't mind. It's kind of a couple.

That's great. But I feel as they're getting married, it'd be wrong to separate them at this stage. Okay. And that's like the latest big news story of 2017, internationally, has been the engagement of Prince Henry Windsor, known as Harry, and Meghan Markle, known as the actress off suits, I believe. Yeah. I need to get a disclaimer out here. just come across as some anti-monarchist republican that said i don't believe that to become head of

state of a country you must be the fruit of two random people one of whom shared your destiny right i think there should be the opportunity for anyone born in a nation to one day rise to be head of state as unlikely and as complicated a path as that might be okay i just think um that i don't i don't believe because you are someone's child that should be the right and so i'm i have a slight issue with the monarchy anyway but it's this is that's not i wanted to get that out there i haven't i have an issue with the fact that there's a baby i don't know its name the the william and kate baby the new one no the first one ge's a baby, I don't know its name, the William and Kate baby. The new one?

No, the first one. Oh, the first one, George? I don't know. Yeah. And that one will one day become the head of state of Britain and the Commonwealth or something. Probably, I don't know. No, yeah.

And I have a problem that we know that the current head of state is Elizabeth. Yes. Then her son will become the head of state. We already know that the current head of state is Elizabeth. Yes. Then her son will become the head of state. We already know that. Yeah. And then his son, we already know that. And then his son, we already know that. Right, yes.

And that, I think, is fundamentally wrong. I have a young child. I know you do too. I do. Why can't my daughter become head of state, James? Why can't yours? Because they're not in that family bloodline. And that stinks. I do. Why can't my daughter become head of state, James? Why can't yours? Because they're not in that family bloodline. And that stinks. It does.

I raised my child to say you could be anything you want to be. Yes. Except the most important person in the country. Yes. Is she the most important person in the country? I don't know, but she's got like the coineur. She definitely doesn't have the most say.

No, but it's the principle of it, James. Your daughter could become the prime minister. Yeah, she could. And that's good. Yeah. That's good. But it's not the queen. No, no.

I think fundamentally... Anyway, look, that's not the point. Listen. No, no, no. Listen to me. Listen to me. Okay. Okay.

This is not why. If William becomes king, when William becomes king, that makes not the point. Listen. No, no, no. Listen to me. Listen to me. Okay. Okay. So this is not why. If William becomes king, when William becomes king, that makes his wife Kate Queen, right? Yes. But not head of state. Not head of state. And that's a terrible message. Like your daughter, or fortunately due to changing laws, your son can marry the king or the prince region or whatever they're called before they become king.

And then they become like, you know, joint head of state. That's bullshit as well, James. It is. Okay. It's not fair. No. But that's not the reason. Okay.

That's not the reason. Okay. What's the reason? It's not personal. Okay. I've not met them. It's mostly Harry as well. It's not.

I mean, but she is a shit news enabler. Okay. Through being close to him. Yes. Okay, so here's my problem. So when we've recorded this, it's about a week or five days or something like that since it was announced they're engaged. Yes. What have you heard in the last week about Syria?

Nothing. Boko Haram. Nothing. Haiti. Nothing. British child Haram? No. Haiti? Nothing. British child poverty? No. Are there any sports stories

you might have missed out on? You don't know! I don't. You don't know! Because we're just bombarded with this. How often have you heard something or seen something or read something

and gone, oh my God, I'm compelled by this. Everywhere you turned it was just that one interview just over and over again. It's fudge in your eyes, ears and mind.

Yes. That is getting in the way of the good stuff. Yes, it's true. You know, it's like, it's not important and yet it's dominating our life. And most importantly of all,

where the fuck is our bank holiday? Where is our bank holiday? Without that, I don't know how they expect me to care. Now, I read on Twitter this week, which means it's possibly true, that a poll was done, should there be a bank holiday for this,

and under 65, the majority of people went, yeah, of course there should be a bank holiday, it's a royal wedding, we don't like royal weddings that much, but we like bank holidays. Except the over 65s, who don't fucking work anyway, they took us out of Europe, yeah, and now they don't want to give us a day off.

I know, I was going to say say they took all like the baby boomer generation yeah they're taking us out of europe they don't want to give us a bank holiday they own four homes so no one can ever afford to buy a home anymore yeah now i'm not saying compulsory euthanasia is the way forward here. But I'm saying that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have sparked that debate. I do not know where to go with that. I feel for all my open-minded friends who see sense and didn't vote for Brexit, but their parents did.

My parents, actually, they're Remainers. That's great. So like all people of authority, and I feel if I'm trapped on a desert island with Chris Brown, Sean Spicer, Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, I do have some kind of authority. My parents are fine. They do not get this forced euthanasia,

and I'm not saying there should be forced euthanasia. Okay. Just to clarify. Let's not forget as well, Prince Harry thought it was funny to dress up as a nazi that's that's not relevant to 2017 but i just wanted to put that in the back of your mind you know uh if you don't mention nazi in each person that you put in it's not a there's a running theme here it's okay to punch a nazi or to call them out in a podcast i've never really

punched anyone so the next best thing I can do. Also, Prince Harry has brought the worst out in Britishness. I've already mentioned this weird anti-democracy thing. I'm in the minority of that opinion about them being the head of state. Weirdly, there's this God love the royals thing. Actually, I'm in the minority who would like someone elected, because we're so anti-politician these days. But i'm in the minority who would like someone to let because

we're so anti-politician these days but i'm in the minority of people who actually thinks there should like this birth-led head of state thing is fine and that's terrible and every time one of the royals gets married and they might be lovely people again this is not personal i'm sure they're fine it's sort of it sort of gives that sort of a bit more energy so i mentioned the fact that all this bad news that we've not heard like and people are just like la la la la la la the banks haven't passed on any of the interest rate rises so our savings are still shit yes but we're not going to report it in the news because we're busy talking about kate middleton has approved the fact they're getting married. My local paper when I proposed to my wife did not

print that my wife's sister approved of us getting wed. No, it's true. I hope she did. But it didn't occupy my time. But you're not a celebrity and unfortunately these people are. But that's not the point. I know. Okay. Also another bad bit

about British personality that this will bring out. I know. Okay. Also, another bad bit about British personality that this will bring out, flag waving. Yes. No one has ever waved a flag, I think, yeah, for good reason. Okay. There's no such thing as good flag waving. So flag waving is jingoism at best. Right.

Often nationalism, often sectarian always bad yeah so um occasions where i may have witnessed flag waving has come to mind um the queen's jubilee terrible awful what was the point a waste of money didn't we get a day off though oh if we did then i will mildly accept it okay i don't know if we did or not i think we did all right fine i love the queen you don't have to go that far but you know a day off always a treat didn't the queen's jubilee tell me if i've been getting my royal events mixed up is that where they made prince philip stand on a boat in the driving rain for an hour and then he had to go to hospital because it hurt his cock i think i think that's what happened i've got a feeling that is actually that might be i think that could be a fact i'll check that please uh the other worst thing about britishness this brings out shit merch yes i posted on twitter this week a mug and i'm i'm

guilty i'm part of this i bought a mug for the last royal wedding um that said um sorry i couldn't care less about the royal wedding. I'm part of this. It's a very British way to say how you feel about it. It was. I'm going to drink tea and passively aggressively frown on this. But also the way that it's phrased on the mug. I couldn't care less. Yeah.

I mean, I do feel bad for hating them for this year. And this is another thing that really upsets me. I'm not naturally a mean spirited guy and this programme obviously naturally brings out the anger in a person it's meant to be cathartic

for people understood and so I feel mean spirited I'm delighted that two young people are in love and are going to live

a happy life together sure but it's the bigger issues beyond that that are a problem also I watched one episode

of Suits we've made this all about the problem. Also, I watched one episode of Suits. We've made this all about the Royals so far. I watched one episode of Suits on a recommendation, and it was dreadful. Oh, I've never seen it. It was dreadful. And I only work in the media because I didn't want to wear a suit. And this sort of glorification of this lifestyle,

this sort of cheap, snappy tweet interplay between the characters was ah horrible i just didn't like it yes okay i don't know i don't even know what's the premise what's i guess they're lawyers or something and they they think they're clever sure okay yeah all right imagine it's some wolf wolf wolf of wall street vibe. Less drugs, better tans. But Meghan Markle seems nice. Yeah, I mean, I think she seems fine. So it's interesting. Has there ever been a situation where an actor has married a royal before?

Oh, there must be. Yeah, there was the Prince Monaco and what's her face? Right, okay. Such a prominent royal in the UK? A royal in the UK? I don't know. So just because, I don't know. I mean, acting used to obviously be a very low status.

Like, you know, in Roman times, actors were as low as slaves. Right, okay. So it's like only a modern, even like in the Victorian era, actors were held in quite low regard. So it's like only a modern even like in the victorian era actors were held in quite low regard so it's only quite a modern thing so we've taken a long yeah it's taken it's completely flipped on its head over time something i thought when i was watching that interview with them i did think it it all seemed very like odd it just seemed a bit staged and like, I don't know. Something I did pick up on and it seems like they've hit it off over a mutual passion for helping the world. Gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs fragrances this holiday season. From the iconic Daisy and Perfect to the all new Daisy Wild.

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to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-s-y-n ads.com great and so i feel like they might go on to do some great things let's hope they do but get them off the fucking news okay all right we'll take that yeah absolutely what happened to boko haram james i don't know they do more bad things i don't know because they've been in the fucking news every day. Chris, now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink of the year.

What are they and why are they so bad? Right, so as a little disclaimer to start here, coffee's the worst thing that's ever happened. I'm a recent convert. Well, James, I feel for you. I really do. It's a dreadful drink that brings out the worst in people and brings out the worst smells in the world. It's an awful, dehumanising, sludgy, like, piss drink.

Wow. I can't stand it. But that's, obviously, that's something that I hate every year. You're a big drinker of tea, though, right? I drink about five cups before midday, not a drop after lunch. Okay. Never after lunch? No, because then I have trouble sleeping.

You might have noticed, James, that I don't relax that much. And anything I can do to help myself sleep is a good thing. So there's obviously very nearly, very, very nearly a type of tea made onto this. Cheese tea. What the fuck is that? Exactly. I just saw a Facebook video of people drinking this kind of, and I immediately thought like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen.

But fundamentally, I can't do that to tea. So you'd let that slide just for tea? Tea can live in an abusive relationship with me, and I'll tolerate it so far. Well, okay. But coffee... Okay, go for coffee then. So there's a new type of coffee called nitro coffee. I don't know how they make it.

Sounds really fancy. Highlights all the worst things about coffee. Oh, get you up. I don't know why I made it. I see I've basically turned coffee into lager and into just some like yeah complete lad of a drink

it's cold coffee this and it looks like Guinness okay no and apparently it tastes like coffee it tastes like cold coffee oh so is it an alcoholic beverage no okay

well that's I read about it online and to be honest I haven't seen it in real life it might not even exist but I don't really care. I mean, is this the news? No.

So it doesn't matter if this doesn't exist. No, it's fine. But I read about it on the internet, and it really offended me. Yeah, okay. You know, I don't do drugs, James. Okay. But when I rule the world, which is what this show's all about, I am going to personally fly to Colombia andia and destroy all the coffee okay wow i

don't really care what they do with all the other rogue plants that they've got there that people might use to enhance or destroy their lives yeah okay am i gonna die of drinking alcohol um you might and and am i gonna die of drinking coffee probably not that's because i don't drink it you see yes that's why nitro coffee should be banned okay um can coffee kill you i don't think so i mean if it landed on your head from a great height yes probably um sorry now i'm just being really i'm really i just really hate i've got the taste of coffee in my mouth right now and it's really hurting me it's i actually feel i feel a little bit i'm not a man who cries very much james but i feel like crying because i can taste coffee on my tongue when was the last time you had a coffee what are you gonna say when's the last time you had a cry um when was the last time i have

um uh twice in my life attempt genuinely made an attempt to drink a cup of coffee and the first time was in about 1998 99 when I was at university and the mother of someone I lived with gave me a cup of coffee, just assuming I drank it. Very presumptuous. And I sort of got, I sort of sipped it. And I think I sort of just put it around the corner and forgot. Oh, it's got a cold. So I'll do it later. I'll have another one later or something. And then I got married and we went on a honeymoon to Costa Rica, which is like, apparently it's like, well, Afghanistan is to opium.

Costa Rica is to coffee. Yeah. I don't know why I went on an opioid. I don't know, but you know. And it is, so it's terrible. It's awful stuff. But I thought, you know, got to get into the spirit, you know, like the whole when in Rome spirit. Yeah. And I, again, I've got like, I don't even know if I'm managing. I might've just got it to my lips. I remember the smell overwhelming me so badly. Here's a little thing.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. When my mum was pregnant, my mum's a big coffee drinker. Okay. She knew she was pregnant to have me when all of a sudden she couldn't drink coffee anymore. And as soon as she'd given birth to me, she could drink coffee again. Oh, so you're like a black spot in time for coffee. If there's a scientist who can explain that, I'd love to know. Am I allergic to coffee or something?

Okay. I wonder if you can. I guess you could be allergic to coffee, right? You could be allergic to most things. But actually, no, I do understand because I didn't drink coffee for a very long time. And it's only in recent times that I had a couple of coffees and I was just like actually this is quite nice wow so it just it just happened over time you look at me disgusted i do do you see me differently no i don't know you know i i like my wife's i can tell she's had a couple of times i'll get home for work

and i'll obviously kiss her and greet her because we're in love and oh if you had a cup of coffee and she'll be like yeah like six hours ago wow and it just there's something about it just wow it's just that stays in there yeah i feel ill can we move on yeah we can absolutely chris what's going to be your food choice chewy sweets all chewy sweets all chewy sweets specifically obviously ones that came out this year and there's a reason for that so my teeth are screwed i i look after my teeth my teeth teeth are fine, but I've got a couple of really bad, like, cracked teeth, I've got crowns, and they're all, from a number of separate incidences, eating chewy sweets, which I love dearly, and then basically ripping

my teeth apart. Just recently, I mean, I've got, like, half a tooth in my mouth on the right-hand side at the moment, I need to go to the dentist about it because I ate a chewy sweet and it cracked my tooth. So how did a chewy sweet crack your tooth? Because I like those sort of hard, chewy, you know, the sort of chewy bar type sweets. Oh, right, like a refresher bar or like a... Yeah, a Wham bar or something like that. Do you really like those?

I love that kind of stuff. Why do you love them? I've got a really sweet tooth. Just from when you were a kid, or? Yeah, always have done. There was a type of chewy bar when I was a kid. It was around in the 90s called the Roy of the Rovers bar. I think it was made by McCown.

It doesn't exist anymore. Roy of the Rovers, for any international listeners, was a leading football comic strip. And there was, a part of the merch for that was these chewy bars you get they cost 10p

and they were pineapple flavoured and it was sweet and tangy and sharp and equal and opposite to the coffee sensation I was getting earlier on

I now just feel so full of joy and power thinking about the taste of the Royal Rose Bar and I've always loved them but they're bad for your teeth and they obviously

if your teeth aren't great in the first place you can crack a tooth so I've got hundreds of pounds worth they're bad for your teeth. And obviously, if your teeth aren't great in the first place, you can crack a tooth. So I've got hundreds of pounds worth of dentistry I need to get done because of my love of chewy sweets. Oh, no. So it's cost you loads of money in the long run. Yeah. So I can just see myself on this desert island with nothing to drink except coffee, terrible people to hang out with, and a guaranteed menu that's going to mean I'm going to have no teeth in about three weeks.

Chewy sweets are lovely. And actually, you've turned it on its head because it's something that you like, but you have to... I love them so much, James. Do you? I love them. Like, would you eat one in the morning? Yeah, if someone gave me a chewy sweet now. But now, so what I know is if you rub them really vigorously,

they soften up. It's good. So if you gave me a chewy sweet right now, I'd really vigorously like this. Don't do that. I never want to see you doing that. I would do it. And then it would soften it up

and I'd be able to eat it. Slip down my mouth much easier. That's just gonna... If I close my eyes, I'm gonna see that. Good. Okay. Right, yeah, so you're stuck there with delicious chewy sweets. I can't fault a chewy sweet. I also love a chewy sweet.

Chris, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So, obviously, with a 2017 bent, I don't have much of a life. I have a small child, two jobs. Same here.

And so the only film i've seen at the cinema this year is baby driver right okay so that has to go in because it's your only film it's the only thing i've got context for but also fuck kevin spacey right yeah who's in that film and so i now you know he's obviously you know because's in that film, it's tarnished it for me. Right. Okay. Yeah. What was the film like?

It's all right. I haven't seen it. It's like music's pretty good. There's some good car chase scenes. You'd actually think it's not my kind of thing. There's a story of young love blossoming against diversity. That's nice. I'm interested to uh i'm

interested to know why why did you choose to watch that film um because we had like a two-hour window in our lives where we'd get some time to ourselves and we thought we haven't it's basically that or drink and um and we didn't two hours wouldn't have been enough to get drunk so we went to the cinema and that was the only film that was on at that time. So we took the opportunity to go and sit in the quiet with each other. Yes, okay. Nice round sound. And disappointment?

No, the film was fine. Okay. It's just subsequently I've gone off it. Out of five? At the time, three and a half to four. I'm quite a harsh critic as well. Yeah, okay, that's good. Beautiful choreography on it. Out of five? At the time, three and a half to four. I'm quite a harsh critic as well. Yeah. Okay, that's good.

Beautiful choreography on it. So what you're putting this film in for is... One, it's the only film I've seen this year. And it's for your life. Two, Kevin Spacey. Okay. Yeah, three, don't get out much. Yeah. Okay.

Is that enough reason? Chris, what's going to be your song choice for the island? Okay, this is the weakened slash daft punk, I Feel It Coming. So I didn't... Okay, I'll put a little bit of it in here, if you shouldn't know. I hadn't heard that before. No, I had heard it, but I just didn't know what it was. So I listened, and after I listened,

I couldn't get it out of my head for about four hours. James, it's bottled impotence. Okay. It's the sound of stupidity filtered through disappointment. Oh, my goodness. I just can't stand it. It's just, it's production over quality. There's just, it's so bland.

It's so lame and wet and i don't know like i don't understand like when i was a kid i wanted music that would make me go and whether that was like dance or guitar or hip-hop i wanted wanted music that filled me with adrenaline or emotion. And that is like, it's like the sound of an old people's home in the future. Wow. It's so, I don't get the weakened.

Well, it's just tepid. It's so tepid. Yeah, I don't get that. Is it possible for something to be so tepid? It's a little bit tepid. No, it's absolutely tepid. I don't know. But yeah, I don't get that either. Why is there no absolutely tepid i don't know but um yeah i don't get that either why did

he why is there no e in weekend i don't know that's well there is two but there's not the third oh yeah of course it is why is there not a third e in weekend also daft punk yeah they're like an uncle who was once cool and still wears his fred thinking ears whilst listening to Coldplay. Okay. It upsets me so much hearing new Daft Punk. Yeah, because honestly, I went through a period of my life where I probably would have given my soul to see Daft Punk in that Discovery era. Yeah, totally. Now, I think I'd take it or leave it. Just smash those helmets up.

Give us a big, big baseline. Just get back to some French house. Yes. The harder sort of side that they used to make. I'll tell you who's still doing it like they used to. Justice are doing it like they used to. Yeah, they're a good party act. Yeah.

They're just like, it's party music. Whereas this is just like, at best, like they used to. Yeah, they're a good party act. Yeah. They're just like, it's party music. Whereas this is just like, at best, like kids' party music. Yes. I mean, you know, get lucky. Feel good hit of the summer, 2016. That is also very slow funk. And very slow funk is very bad.

Slow funk needs to... Obviously, it's not meant to be really, really fast. But it's meant to have a bit of something about it, isn't it? Yes. And it's like sort of pitched down shit Funk. Yeah. Also, he dresses like Michael Jackson in the video. And that record sounds a lot like Michael Jackson. It's extremely catchy, isn't it?

Are Daft Punk writing that? Or are other people writing that i just don't i i need to look into it but it often seems that the way with these things now is there's a team of like seven people that churn out shit all the all the pop hits and i'm almost certain that so i see what you're doing here you're trying to defend daft punk by saying maybe it's not Daft Punk, maybe it's lots of people. And what you are doing, yeah, let's go back to the very start of this conversation. You're basically saying, oh, they're just like Sean Spicer. They're just the Nazi guard.

You know, they're not the baddies in this situation. Okay, no, okay, all right, fine. But they're condoning it. What I'm saying throughout this show is that if you are part of awfulness, confess that you are part of that dreadful situation. Admit it, be a part of that dreadful situation, or get out of it and disown it. But Daft Punk's name is on it, so they are part of it.

Yeah, I agree. They're admitting to that. I'm not saying Daft Punk are Nazis at the gate. I know. They really aren't. Right, right. Because their first two albums are pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, they are.

They're really good. They're very good. Well, one of them's better than the other. Yeah. Homework's better than Discovery, I'd say. I know you like to be different. That's fine. It's got Around the World in it.

No, that is a great song. Chris. Yeah. Finally for you, and unfortunately for you, the island is overrun by the worst of all the animals. different that's fine it's got around the world in it no that is a great song um chris yeah finally for you and unfortunately for you the island is overrun by the worst of all the animals yes what is it and why it's us james it's humans humans if it's anything that 2017 has taught us it's that we are worse than we were in 2016 or at least on a par and that is dreadful no saltwater crocodile has done the atrocities that we have done no gerbil has shat the way we have shat you know no no malaria virus bug parasites whatever the

fuck it is on those mosquitoes has done to us what we have done to ourselves. You know, koala bears did not release I Feel It Coming. We did. Chris Brown, yeah? He is not a parakeet. No, he's not. He is a human. That's a fact. Everyone, like, who made coffee?

Well, I guess plants made coffee. But we harvested it. And made it into a drink. And made it into a drink. made it into a drink okay humans are there fuck them okay i love my daughter though my daughter doesn't count she's like she's lovely can i save my daughter as well yeah i can go in there but my daughter just two two toddlers wandering around on their own going what happened what happened um thank you chris thank you james no thank you for this hey chris if people want to hear uh hear more from you where can they where can they find you uh the bugle

podcast.com is uh the url of the bugle they can go to itunes and discover the bugle there i am at producer chris on twitter if you want to hear more gold or at sexbigman555123 on sexchat.net okay sexbigman555 hmm interesting and also

that account might be closed by the time this podcast comes out if oh sexdungeons.com as well okay that actually I'm not joking

that really is my website sweet and Chris are there any live bugles coming up? Yeah, January and February, Leicester Square Theatre. Yeah. Tickets still available for both shows at present. Excellent.

So it's obviously Andy Zaltzman leads the way with some other very funny people. Excellent. Chris, these have been your Desert Island Dicks of the year 2017. I love you, James. I love you too.