Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 1 (PILOT)

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. I think, Dan, we have to do it. It's the will of the people. The people have listened to us drag the dicks out of many other people.

They want to be able to give their dicks back to us so we can present their dicks to the rest of the world if you know we want to share the dicks absolutely so look what this is compact dicks we're giving you an opportunity to share your dicks with the world if we hadn't made that clear already i don't know maybe this bit will be cut out this is a work in progress so we're going to read out a few of your dicks that you've sent in and we're going to share a couple of our own to get you started now that you're hosting the podcast do you find that um you want to chip in more and just tell people about your dicks that you've discovered that week

i've got a growing list on my phone i've got this list i'm constantly adding to that you've discovered that week? I've got a growing list on my phone. I've got this list that I'm constantly adding to. Because you've done this, you've been a, you know, you were my first guest. Yes, yes. I was your first guest. Yes. And we've both done it. And since then, I'm always regretting my choices and thinking I could have done better. So this is a chance for us to add to it, but mainly the listeners to add to it as well.

And I think I'll probably mention this a few times throughout the podcast, but people, for this to work, we need you to send your dicks and the place to send those dicks is dickspod.com slash contact and you can go on there there's a form fill it out and just uh let us know your desert island dicks choices there you go simple as a proverb i can't think of right now easy as pie simple Simple as cake. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Look, I'm going to kick things off just to get loosey-goosey.

Yeah? Let's get in the mood. Come on. Yeah. I want to put in, I'm going to put in, now, I know that one thing that really annoys people is when you put in a type of person rather than an individual, right? I'm going to put in a type of person.

Oh, yeah, go on. Because this is one that I've been thinking, I've thought about this for years, and I think it's one of those things that just, it really, sometimes people pick someone and they go, I want to pick Piers Morgan, and everyone goes, yeah, he's a dick. And then sometimes you think, oh, I don't know if this makes me a bad person

for hating this kind of person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And this is one of those, like, I feel like a a bad person for hating this kind of person right do you know what i mean yeah yeah and this is one of those like i feel like a bad person for disliking this kind of person and it's a type of musician it's the type of musician that turns up and plays without you asking oh this is good yeah yeah yeah so i lived in brighton for a number of years as i may have mentioned on the podcast and it's like there's lots of opportunities there's lots of times in brighton where you're sitting there maybe you're at your flat watching telly and someone will come up and start playing music now if you're just watching telly that's a less noble act than someone playing

an instrument playing their own music so you don't you're not allowed to tell that person to shut up even though you were there first whereas opposite if you were playing your guitar and i came in and put top gear on yeah that would be considered really rude right and often if someone's practicing they're just going over the same chords over and over and over and again frustrating and what i found is eventually they'll tell you to then stop look at sorry can you just turn that down i'm trying to do the thing even though you're there already last week i was in cornwall and on the beach there was one of these people and he was just like playing his guitar quite loudly and quite badly

and it stirred something in me I was like I haven't experienced one of these for years because I just live with my wife and my son so I don't have that anymore but it made me realise how much I hate this kind of musician turning up on it the worst are drummers who are like, you know, a drum circle.

Because you can hear them for a fucking mile away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it. I know it. It's just so intrusive. Yeah. And there's nothing you can do about it. And I think the worst thing would be to be on an island.

And just when you're trying to maybe get along with the other dicks that you've got stuck there with. Some twat comes along with his guitar or his whatever, ukulele, I imagine. Yes, nice. And just starts sort of playing over the top of you and you're just going to feel like a dick telling him to shut up. Oh, my God, this is good. That would be so frustrating.

You crashed on the island and then that person just, that's all you've got. It's just constant. That's all you've got. And then eventually we're like then eventually like sorry guys can you just calm down a bit i'm just trying to i'm just trying to work some chords out here you know no one fucking asked you mate yeah but it's like the hierarchy the social hierarchy they trump musician trumps conversation for some reason even if they're just you're trapped and they're just doing the same chords over and over again for two hours which has happened to me lots of times oh my god so i want to put on that type of musician on the island that's wicked that is really good choice we've all experienced it especially like i remember

at university a lot interesting that yours should be a music choice this week dan because my choice for this week is going to be a song and it's not i know it's vague again but it's not a specific song and this one's really for the parents out there is i'm obviously working from home at the minute i'm working away in one room and i can shut the door to the bedroom and work but you know sometimes you want that interaction with your family you you don't want to shut the door and shut yourself out all the time and earlier today i was just like starting to get a feel a little bit like on edge and i was like i wonder what is making me feel like a bit edgy and a bit agitated i realized for maybe like four or five hours there'd been the same huge type of youtube video

playing over and over again for my son who's two and it's those little baby bum songs oh my god yes oh christ i didn't know where you were going to go with this i was thinking if he's going to go generic kids video the worst ones are those little baby and it's like johnny is silly silly is johnny johnny is silly and he sits on a party. Tommy comes in. Tommy does something. Something, something, something, something. Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. Da, da, da, da, da.

And it just goes on forever. I mean, listening to kids' music is quite annoying, but I'm always like, well, you know, I try to get my son to listen to music and like the music I like. This is, you know, these are his jams. That's what he likes, you know. He's three and a half.

So fair enough, really. I can't be grudging. he doesn't like everything i play him but it's like the worst atonal singing like it's not it's not in tune or it's it's so she's a terrible singer terrible singer they cram in loads of words so it's just like any word that they want to put in and it doesn't even need to rhyme and they don't have to explain it. But also, it's got like, what is actually just like torturously bizarre videos that go with it. It's the kind of stuff that people used to put on when taking acid.

Do you know what I mean? They're like insane. The worst is if you're having a lie-in and they're watching it on your phone in bed. So you're like, oh look, I just want a lie-in, I'm lacking. Here's my phone, watch some cartoons. it's just in your subconscious just there punching you in the head for two hours i know yeah good call thank you thank you well that's what we think is fucking annoying this

week but what about you the listener james have you got any correspondence from yes we've had some already which i'm it's like i'm actually astounded that we've been sent some so thank you everyone that sent in a message so far we've had a few and we're gonna start going through them now um paul eagles has sent this in dan um he his message header is i'm struggling to choose the dick people, but the food, drink and film are easy. Food would be mushrooms. They are the devil's gonads.

Go a few weeks without washing your feet and scrape off the resultant matter. That's a mushroom. I'm not a fussy food person, but I can absolutely understand why people hate them because they're one of those foods that, even i find them delicious are just weird like what are they doing growing off a side of a tree oh my god i can eat mushrooms fine in you know anything i like i'm not fussy eater at all and i will eat any type of mushroom but there is something that i feel that is slightly wrong when i'm like eating

something that's maybe got like a shiitake mushroom in it and it just the like when it's really like chewy i'm thinking oh and i start thinking about the mushroom a bit too much um which makes me sound more fussy than i actually am i've um my father-in-law's chinese and we a lot of yes stuff which before i started before i met my wife i would have considered strange uh or adventurous but now i'm kind of used to it but there's some there's some mushroom dishes actually they're not even mushrooms it's just called fungus and it looks like seaweed but it's a type of fungus and and you can't even call it a mushroom because it's not it's the other it's a fungus and I think it's great now but at the time I used to

get quite nervous before me all times because I was like I don't know what's coming, whereas now I've embraced it and I love it all but I've got some mad shit in my cupboard if I was more organised I could show you some crazy stuff in my cupboard Paul goes on to say for the film

I'd bend the rules a bit and put Game of Thrones on. Okay. I've never watched it. I've also never watched it. Have you watched it? Me neither. Oh, great. I watched the first scene. I watched the first scene. Someone gave it to us when we first had our

son and they were like, oh, this is great when you're both off work for a bit and, you know, you're just looking after a baby, you could just churn through a box set yeah and we watched the first scene he woke up crying and then we just never came back and we're like are you into this no and we'd literally seen one scene that was it and i just thought i can't be bothered people have said to me before they're like why why wouldn't you watch it it's just all tits and i'm like look if i want all tits i'll go to places where all i get isits. I don't want to wade through 40 minutes of dragons and shit to get to the tits. I know.

I just can't be bothered. It's too much. And also, I think I've got a real aversion to if I catch something at the beginning, it's cool. But knowing there's like nine seasons of and I probably already know spoilers and then I won't realize it. And then something happened. I'm like, oh, that's Jon Snow. I've heard something about him. Oh, fuck it. Then there's no point. happen and I'm like oh that's Jon Snow I've heard something about him

oh fuck it then there's no point yeah it's too much man it's too much so Paul says I've never watched it never will

as the premise bores me senseless but so many people tell me that it's the best thing ever recorded and I'm wrong for not wanting

to watch it screw them and I think you're right Paul screw them stand your ground stand your ground stand your ground mate there's enough stuff out there for everyone to watch it doesn't matter doesn't matter and

everyone was disappointed with the finale so you know from the start that you're going to end up a bit disappointed yes this is great yeah okay so thank you very much paul eagles for sending that in some top dicks dan have you got one i have one from laura and this is an animal one um she says she's very passionate about the worst animal to be stuck on a desert island with for me and i hope after this everyone agrees it has to be slugs slug firstly they're gross and slimy secondly they always come out at night when you can't even see they're there until you step on them why are they so easy to squish surely that just goes against evolution because they're too easy to kill um says she's a lifelong vegetarian when i accidentally i am a lifelong vegetarian so when i accidentally step on a slug not only do i feel

sick that i have some gross slimy thing on my shoe but i also have crippling guilt for killing the slug oh my god she has a conscience it's Bobby Friction, if you haven't heard this episode, I recommend you go back and listen to his episode because he was very vocal about slugs. Yes. And it's a very worthwhile listen because he's a passionate man in everything he does. But yeah, when he's talking about slugs, it's worth checking out. What's the fucking point, man? Fuck slugs. Fuck slugs.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com dan i've got i've got a great one here so okay colin colin doubting has sent us a great one and he's ran through all of his dicks now i might save elements of it for a different episode but because this is compact dicks and we've probably been going for about 45 minutes already um i am going to condense it and just pick one of my favorite elements from all of his choices okay

but i particularly liked colin's drink choice because colin picked milk as his drink choice and he says everyone has a go at maggie thatcher for being the milk snatcher but in my opinion it is the greatest thing she ever did milk tastes disgusting when it's cold it's barely acceptable when it's flavored in a milkshake i don't mean the ice cream type in brackets and it's horrific when it's warm plus there would be no way of keeping it cold on the island which i thought was quite interesting that's yeah there you go yeah plus if you were just you know you've survived survived a plane crash so it's going to be those little tiny cartons of uht as well so it's like the shittest milk as well and warm and even if you

did want to drink it you've got to open like 30 tiny little cartons that you always are you talking about the tiny ones that like thimble the tiny little plastic pot yeah that's great that's really good you have to open like 30 of them to have a really unsatisfying uht milk drink that's that is true that is yeah it'd be awful great choice colin sound stuff yeah it's a good choice it's a good choice um and i've got one more to to give you dan it's um from jack thompson and he said uh and he gave an animal choice and the the title of the email is geese and then when you open open the email it just says they are the audi central aisle version of a swan which i thought was rock solid stuff

it is good i've to the point i've been to audi and like to the case in point i've got some pillows on my bed that are really comfortable pillows right but they're just a bit too long for any pillowcase that you ever buy and i got those from aldi yeah i got those from the middle aisle of aldi yeah so you know um yeah that it this makes perfect sense to me they're very fucking noisy as well and there's the thing isn't there about a geese a goose is it a goose or swan can break a man's arm. I think both. That's the thing, isn't it? Both of them. I think that's bollocks as well. Happened once.

They are very intimidating. Their wingspan is massive. Have you ever seen one open up? They are fucking scary. Awful. You open up a goose, mate, you know about it. Yeah, I know. Thanks, Jack, for sending that in.

I love that. Dan, this has been fun. has been fun james um as as nice as it is to get famous people on to share their gripes with the world i also love hearing everyday gripes from you know the listeners yeah i think that if if you've this what this space is for and it and it will grow and i think you said earlier it's a work in progress i don't know if that made the cut, but it's like this will grow. And if you've ever listened to Desert Island Dicks and wanted to chip in, you've wanted to give your own choices, or you've taken some time to think about who, what, and why

you wouldn't want to be stuck on an island with a certain thing, this is your space to do it. So send your choices in to dickpod.com contact and we'll read them out the other thing is if you're listening to one of our episodes of desert island dicks and you just agree or disagree with any of the the choices or got anything to add to any of the choices from any of our guests then feel free to use that space to uh to talk back to them as well yeah you know to have your say on that. Yeah, I love that. And I just think, you know,

we're looking for your funny stories. I particularly want to hear, you know, if you've met someone in IRL, if you've met, sorry, I particularly want to hear if you've met someone in real life and you want to talk about that. That is ideal to me.

That's lovely stuff. And we thought we'd do some themed stuff week on week.'ve got a theme for next week dan yes well as the nights are drawing in and it's getting a bit colder and darker and wetter and shittier all around um i want to cast our minds back to summer just before we leave it for another year and uh i would like to hear your summer dicks so for me j, James, it's my local ice cream seller. Because we used to have two ice cream vans around our area. And one would park at one side. One would stop at one side of the park, the other side of the park.

But the good one, there was a good one, but there was a good one and a bad one. The good one now seems to have gone away and we're left with the shit one now i would have thought that being an ice cream van man would be like a really joyous job because you know it's like such a like a black and white simple way of spreading joy you know you're seeing excited kids and parents you're you know you're like the candy man basically basically. Like, what better job could there be to just sort of experience joy? And this guy was such a miserable sod. If you ask for a 99, you know, normally they do a few twirls and they stack it up. It's a good few inches tall, right?

And you never know how they balance that much on there. This guy would do like one circle. It was like a tiny little, like, if you stretched it out straight, it would be maybe three inches long yeah that's how like it was crap serving when we first moved to this area my wife got a mr whippy off him and she was like thought it was a joke and he just looked at like no that's it two quid oh my god since working at home like once one one day when it was really hot we heard the ice cream van on our road and

we're like oh let's pop out and get an ice cream little treat for the afternoon while we're working away i said what do you want she's like i don't know like a twister or a magnum or something like that so i went up and i was like have you got any magnums like no i said have you got a twister and he said no calippo no what about a magnum he had one magnum opened it up and it was all smashed inside he's like the meanest moodiest ice cream van man to the point where like i my son was going oh daddy can we have an ice cream and i was like no no that's the mean one and then i had to had to backtrack because every time he passed it he was, he'd be on my shoulders and he'd be like, he's the bad man. And I don't mean in the slang way that means good person.

I mean actually a bad person. That's great. Oh, that's so funny, man. I mean, I can back up the ice cream man. Like, Dan, that is very, very good reasoning. And that guy sounds awful. For me, the ice cream man like i found i found the ice cream man so frustrating this summer because obviously just working from home the sun

was out and i'm just sat in the corner of the bedroom working away all the time as many of us are but i feel like the ice cream man came onto the onto our road about four times a day. So like as late as possible in the morning for him to get away with it. He'd come round early afternoon, right? Just after people had lunch. Late afternoon, maybe like three o'clock or four o'clock. But then he had this... And then half eleven at night.

No, but then he had this four fucking round in the day right where he would turn up about half past seven and that is the same fucking time where i'm trying to get my kids into bed the last thing you want to hear while it's bright outside and you're trying to get two children to sleep is um and then the kids are like ice cream ice cream man ice cream van man's outside and i was like you fucking you bastard it should be illegal after seven o'clock i just think it's one of those jobs you think you do on the side and it's there to spread joy like you're a modern day candy man and i don't know how you can be grumpy whilst you do that but uh just yeah but that also half seven is just that's just mean

can't do that that's bullshit so please send in your summertime dicks who were your biggest dicks of the summer now summer is gone get them out there let us know send it to dixpod.com contact um what else should people do subscribe to the podcast um and we get new guests every week as you probably already know if you're here you already know that if you're if this is the first bit of desert island dicks you've ever listened to it's not usually like this go and have a little look dan has interviewed a ton of people i've interviewed a ton of people gotten getting some interesting dicks from some very interesting people um what else dan well yeah we've got loads lined up that you can listen to

and we've got a huge back catalog as well so yeah have a listen subscribe so they'll go straight to your phone or whatever without you having to do a thing leave us a rating on itunes or wherever you get your podcasts um only if it's nice otherwise i don't want to know um and um what's the other thing i don't know just have a nice time just have a nice time just have a nice time everyone have a lovely sweet time

yeah you know we come out with a lot of bile and hatred but you know broadly speaking that's because I only want nice people

in the world so go and be nice be nice and have a nice time everyone there you go we'll be back next week with more compact dicks bye