Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 10

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

How the holy hell have we managed to do 10 of these! What is this nonsense? What is time? And who the bloody hell are you? All will be revealed... but probably not in this podcast... or will it? Dan and James read your dicks and James's Dad pulls out the classics. Be sure to submit your choices as dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. I'm in the mood for pubs Every time you're near me Every time you're near me Every time you're near me I'm in the mood for pubs Dan, the pubs are open. Yeah, they are. Yes, they are.

I haven't been yet, though. I'm still slightly intimidated by it all, but I am excited by the prospect of potentially going for a pint. I am very excited by that. Yes, the idea of a pint and a substantial meal has uh got me got me excited lucky for me i absolutely love scotch eggs so that's just gonna be me i'm gonna have seven pints but also seven scotch eggs i don't know is that the like that's what is it like you just have to order a meal once and you can stay there all day or like do you have they're gone

wait wait you've been here since lunchtime it's dinner time now you've got to have some tea or you're or you're breaking the rules to be honest if they let me sit inside in the warm i'd eat seven scotch eggs and have one pint just for some place to go just for a place to be man a place to exist fair enough um yeah but it is exciting oh it is exciting. Oh, it is exciting, isn't it? So, yeah, let's see how that pans out for everyone. Anyway, look, we've just gone straight into it there, but to give you a little intro, this is Compact Dicks. And if you're a first-time listener to Compact Dicks,

what this is is where me and James get together and we read your listener submissions of who and what you would hate to be stuck with on a desert island so it's not the normal desert island dicks where we have a big interview or a big guest, it's just the smaller one, it's Compact Dicks Oh Dan, I don't know if I could

have explained it better myself, I'd like to stay at the start of the podcast, you can get in contact via dickspod.com slash contact but why don't we read you a few from the listeners to uh to get you warmed up dan have you uh do you want to start have you got one to start with yeah i've got a nice juicy one which actually came in last week and we didn't get time uh to read um this is an animal dick um this is from evelyn calvert and he says hi love the podcast and need to nominate fucking dolphins for my own sanity

Dolphins It's for sure they are social with other dolphins It's certain that some species of dolphin are seen interacting with humans I must have watched hours of natural history TV footage portraying them nuzzling scuba clad cameramen

and towing unfortunate children with their dorsal fins We've all seen their rubbery noses close enough to a documentary makers lens puzzling scuba-clad cameramen and towing unfortunate children with their dorsal fins. We've all seen their rubbery noses close enough to a documentary maker's lens to be able to check the plaque on their tiny little pointy, unthreatening teeth. I've even been directed to a website which categorically proves their amorous fondness of human womenfolk, but I'd better not embellish that aspect here. All of which begs the question what have I ever done to them? Whenever and wherever I go on a dolphin spotting trip the scheming little

bastards just plain mock the human and I fall for it every time. Oh they always show up just far away enough to be sure that in all your holiday photographs they appear as a speck of bird shit on your lens. There there they are others will. And I spin round just in time to observe an inch and a half of dorsal fin or tail fin disappear below the surface. There, over there. And they point to that patch of sea immediately behind you. I swear that unless you're an owl or you've got the physiology of the little girl from the Exorcist film, you'll never get a decent sighting of an Indo-Pacific humpback. Dolphins got their family name

Delphinidae from the Greek word delphus, meaning womb, i.e. fish with wombs. But I think I know how they got their archaic nickname of Merazwine, or sea pigs, i.e. fish with a facility for making me want to hammer my

Nikon 160mm zoom lens down their blowholes with a baseball bat. If you really want to see them, spark up a crackling fire and a roaster, find a comfy armchair and a 32-inch Panasonic, pull the cork on a bottle of Cutty Sark Prohibition Whiskey and let David Attenborough do all the neck swivelling. Little cunts. Jesus, I feel better for that.

Thanks. Wow, that is so good. That was a good one, wasn't it? That is really good. I mean, Evelyn, that is so personal, but it seems like he's been stewing on this for ages. Yeah, yeah, and I love it. It's like just the feeling that he's sort of gone back,

gone, right, this time I'm going to go dolphin spotting, this time then. I know. Yeah. I love that he went dolphin spotting more than once and still hates them. Yeah. It's meant to be like, isn't it meant to be like

quite an amazing thing? But I guess if you don't see any, that is going to be frustrating. Yeah, especially if everyone else is saying they're seeing them i think as well i really like it when um you know someone hates something that's really universally loved by everyone else like a dolphin is like yeah you know like on the un board of animals isn't it it's like you know it'd be like the you know it's it's the the nicest friendliest animals but um i know when he opened it he's just like said love the podcast and need to nominate fucking dolphins for my own sanity it's like he's had this bottled up for so long that he's needed

to release and this has been the perfect platform for him to do it and we're happy to provide the platform so thanks for sending that in lovely stuff stuff. I've got another one here. This one's from Aled. Okay. Hi, guys. Long-time listener, first-time whinger. Massive fan of the podcast and gives me satisfaction to know there are plenty of cynics like me out there. By living my cynical ways, I've built a mental vault of dicks over the years

and like to see if some of them are just as much dickish for everyone else. Number one, the people who queue for the plane at airports. There is nothing that sets me off than sitting waiting at a gate at an airport and watching people forming a queue to get on the plane before boarding has even been announced. I can't understand why they feel the need to queue for a plane which you've purchased a ticket and turned up three hours early to queue needlessly for. Do they think the plane will skip their gate and leave like a bus? I'm surprised they don't flag down the pilot as he approaches.

Worst of all, majority of the time, these people queue before the plane has even reached the gate. So they're literally queuing for nothing. I think that's a good starter, for sure. Yeah, definitely. I love sitting there next to the queue just with my back rest just enjoying it for like an hour when they eventually do let us on and we sit in the same seats that we've paid for and it doesn't matter which order you get on the plane yeah because it's like there's enough sort of boring logistical crap in an airport where you have to

queue for one thing or the other by the time you're getting to the plane you've already queued for like dropping off your bag and going through security. Why just add an extra queue into your day when you're just going to have to sit down for a few hours at a time anyway? His second choice is one that's come up before on the podcast, actually, and it's topless men in public places. Yes. Yeah. Obviously, this doesn't count topless men at the beach or at swimming pools. These are the men who go topless walking down the high street or in places like restaurants.

I don't have the body of The Rock or Chris Hemsworth, so maybe I'm just envious, but the blokes who do go topless in public often don't look like them either. They immediately cheapen the place they occupy, and it's torturous for everyone else who has to look at their beer guts and revealing their shitty attempts at Polynesian tribal tattoo even though they're from the middle of swansea it's true i just they're either sort of quite skinny or really overweight or if you do see someone who's like got a really amazing body in a six-pack they almost look even worse because it's like yeah we get it mate come on we get it man you. Come on. We get it, mate. You're in great shape. That's jealousy, though. I feel that, definitely, when I see them.

But I think, maybe in a different culture, like, I don't know, in British culture, it's just, it's not the done thing. It's like, you can't just walk around with, like, an amazing body and expect, you just look like a prick. Do you know what I mean? It's like someone kind of, like, dropping the keys to an expensive car nonchalantly on the table at a restaurant. It's like, you don't need to do that. It's like, if you have a nice body or have a nice car that's fine but don't like shoehorn it into like my day you know yes i i appreciate that that is a really good example actually someone who

drops the keys for their really expensive car right and like so in plain sight hey i'm driving a maserati um dan and his third choice we're letting aled have all three on this one thomas chaffanaka the weather presenter yes good one yeah i've never heard him on this before actually but he says since when do weather presenters think they're so fucking cool just tell us if it's gonna rain or not and then fuck off yeah honestly i forgot about him but yeah he really annoys me like it's like you're not a rock star mate he's got a real swagger about him hasn't he it's like what are you like the bad boy of weather or something if you're like maybe after you've listened to this podcast go and search um thomas chafanaka middle finger and there's this bit in the news where they say

we're going to be hearing from Thomas Schaffanacker soon and he wasn't expecting them to cut to him just to show him sort of waving and he was there just flipping off the presenter it's really good doesn't he like go to scratch his eye or something yes you're right he does go to

scratch his eye that is so good yeah yeah good choices they're very strong very strong love it you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com so dan it's that time in the podcast where we throw over to my dad our sort of correspondent for podcast pass should we say he he likes to present his uh his dick pics um not those kind of dick pics or his classic dicks of the week

and last week jay rayner was on the podcast and he spoke about his school teacher and this week dad has picked out some previous episodes that sort of go in on school teachers so have a listen to this hi james hi dan great episode this week with the brilliant comedian Sindhu V. Well done, Dan. As we're on the theme this week of teacher dicks, I'd just like to recommend two great episodes from the back catalogue. Now, firstly, singer, songwriter and producer Danny Toman's episode. Danny went to the trouble of actually bringing in his old school reports and reading out examples of how a school teacher can try and shatter your childhood dreams. Coincidentally, as a quick throwback to last week's episode,

Danny's food choice was the Fancy Burger, which I've just heard on the radio our old friend Gordon Ramsay is selling in his new london restaurant for 80 pounds a time so uh good luck with that gordon next up is a broadcaster and journalist sam delaney's episode sam chose his old pe teacher and he goes on to describe the very funny misadventures of a schoolboy now it's well worth a listen so this week's homework is to study singer songwriter danny toman and the very funny journalist and broadcaster sam delaney's episodes hope you enjoy cheers bye so what do you think about that hey i think wonderful as ever john deacon i think of john deacon your dad as a sort of uh he's like our podcast sommelier and every every week we call

him up and he goes down to the cellar and he picks out something that's just gonna perfectly go with your week you know he's got he's got he's wonderful he's like oh i've got a fine vintage for you sir here's danny toman with a side of Sam Delaney. And you're like, ha-ha, thank you, John. That's wonderful. Also, did he mention in there that Gordon Ramsay's got a burger that costs 80 quid? He did, yeah. I mean, read the room, mate. Christ.

I know. I think the burger that Danny Toman was talking about in there, it cost over a grand and did have gold leaf on it. But 80 pounds for a fucking burger is insane. That's the sort of thing you only get so that you can say that you've had it or you can take a vulgar picture of it you don't like it's not going to be that much better than just one that costs even 20 quid do you know what i mean but thank you very much dad much appreciated as always thank you yeah would you like another dick oh please i've got one this is from bobby and

he says the people who need to go on the island are those who play whamageddon and feel like it's some sort of actual achievement there needs to be a special place on the island for those who post their achievements on social media as if we give a damn and especially when it's clear that they don't listen to the radio so should never be at the radio, so should never be at risk in any case. Or those that simply lie because they feel it gives them some kind of special status among society. That's very good. So for those of you who aren't familiar, Whamageddon is a thing started by a certain radio show on commercial radio where it's like a game you play where you've got to be the last one to have heard last christmas by wham play on the radio at christmas time i actually do i think

it began somewhere else but we'll let them have it okay all right so maybe adopted by a radio show then but yeah the idea that if you're the last person to hear wham you win that's it really but yeah fuck it i don't know i'm sort of very dubious because i think the only way to do it is to not listen to the radio so then it's easy to not hear it isn't it yeah yeah i don't know especially like also i think it's like you know fair enough play along have a game and just enjoy it but like i don't care don't put it on your social media like no one's bothered mate it's It's like, you know. Dan, nowadays I just think,

what's the point of putting anything on your social media? Just fuck it all off. Anyway, talking about social media, there's a great segue into follow us at Dick's Pod on Twitter and at Dick's Pod on Instagram for Sporadic, a smattering of sparsely posted images of comedians that we've stolen from the internet but you can also get in touch with us um with your choices for compact dicks as zim fuego has um and so he sent this right he got stuck it right in our dms and he said re compact dicks

only tenuously related to the food theme that we were talking about the other week but i've got to get this off my chest i've worked non-stop through the pandemic and i don't get a lot of time to do the occasional shop for stuff that isn't the grocery delivery also i live in a small market town and try to support local businesses where possible one such business is my local butcher during lockdown they've had a rule of only two customers in the shop at any time because it's a small space very thoughtful of them i think that's great the dicks in this scenario are the couples who will go into the shop together to shop together together this is multi-level dickishness it reduces the throughput in the

shop by preventing someone else from shopping, me and others on a time-tight schedule, and it costs money in the form of having one of the two serving staff being unable to serve other paying customers. At this time, these fuckers also seem to think it's acceptable to stand and chat after they've concluded their business, making it even more awkward for the staff who can see the queue building outside. The power generated by the passive-aggressive stares

from those watching outside could power the country. Anyway, I feel better for that, so thanks for being there. Loving the podcast. All the best, Nick Stanford. Oh, yeah. Yes, Nick. That sounds infuriating, so, yeah, they are dicks, no doubt.

A fine choice. Thank you very much for that, Nick. Well, this has been fun, as always. It's been lovely. I've had a wonderful time. Are we setting the listeners up with something interesting for next week? Yes. So this week is starting to feel more Christmassy.

We've got our Christmas tree up. And no doubt many of you uh thinking about what you would like for christmas and invariably your your ideas turn to online retail oh i buy all all of my stuff on amazon pretty much yes but i want to put jeff bezos on the island this week okay yeah okay because now this is where like i get accused of being you know a fawning lefty sycophant quite often you know or being some kind of awful one review and you might as well have it tattooed i get called a snowflake quite a lot or whatever or like or woke or too woke yeah you can never be too woke but i saw a thing today that said that jeff bezos now has so much money that he could afford to pay

every single amazon employee a hundred thousand dollars and still be left with the same amount of money he had before the pandemic started right wow and there's still lots of allegations about him like not paying proper sick pay and sort of conditions and things like that so you know i reckon that definitely counts as being a total fucking bellend and you know i know there's a lot of people saying well that's why he's so rich but like once you've got more money than anyone has ever had in in the entirety of human existence you probably don't need the extra profit and i think you're just being a dick so agreed very loosely that's a christmas themed dick and it's a bit early so we're going to go like uh is that too early to a christmas themed dick no people people need to be on it yeah yeah

yeah if you i mean i think i think you're talking about ordering christmas presents now's the time guys because hey i've left it till the last minute before and ended up giving my wife a bruno mars cd i bought a petrol station so my advice to you is get on it now uh yeah okay so there you go so christmas themed dicks if you need something to send us if you want to get involved and you can't sort of narrow it down then give us a christmas themed dick and you can send that to dickspod.com slash contact and we'll try and read them out next week. That's great.

That was very good. That's it. Great. We're getting good at this. Let us know, dickspod.com slash contact if we're getting good at this or not. Dan, this has been a lot of fun. Shall we do it again next week?

I would love to. There's nowhere else I'd rather be bye bye