Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 11

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

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Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Dan. Hi. Dan, you had Pat Sharp on the actual podcast this week. I know, I know. And do you know what? I was talking to him over the computer,

and at one point I just went, God, the 10-year-old me would be well chuffed to be talking to Pat Sharp right now. I know. And me, the 38-year-old me, was chuffed to be talking to pat sharp as well yeah and the response has been really good people have absolutely loved hearing about pat sharp i still think the most controversial thing you could say about pat shop is that he's never had a cup of tea you could say anything like he could be as rude as possible at any celebrity or like

tell you any shocking thing and it would never be as shocking as never having had a cup of tea i know but like he's also worked in like radio for years and like it's built on the foundation of just having tea at every possible juncture yeah that is basically the most important thing about working in a radio station it's having tea on the regular but he never had a cup of tea I know, mental there you go anyway, here we are, Compact Dicks for another week so yeah, I mean this is what, number 11, but if this is the first time you've listened to Compact Dicks

this is where we read out listener submissions for things and people that people hate so it's powered by you the listener whereas the normal one is just me and a a guest but uh this one is is sourced by the public and i'd like to get in as well as contacting us dixpod.com slash contact through the contact box there you can get in touch with us via social media and follow us at dixpod on Twitter and on Instagram. And we have been DM'd here by Ben,

who has gone to say, Hi, Dan and James and John. Nice. My dad is going to absolutely fucking love that. Hi, Dan and James and John. Here's my entry for Compact Dicks. I'd like to repeat chin maskers, the dicks who wear their COVID mask under their chins.

They boil my piss. Whenever I see one, I have to fight the irresistible urge to aggressively put their mask back over their face holes. Like Michael Douglas' character in Falling Down, I might flip one day and start gaffer taping masks back into place until the police stop me. Wow.

I'm with him. I see it. Yeah. I just like on. I see it, yeah. I just, like, on the train, when it's like, it's either under their nose or just under their chin, and it's like, you're just having a little break

from the pandemic. Just having a little rest from the pandemic, yeah. Just remembering what it was like. Just having, like, a 2019 theme afternoon. Is that what you're doing there? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, when we didn't have to do this so we didn't all fucking die. Like the cold up your nose do you oh yeah fair play mate yeah it's nice to feel normal for a while isn't it yeah you just rest yeah you fucking okay yeah you know you get the sign saying like put you must wear a mask but they should also say you must wear a mask and put it over both of the holes you use for breathing you dumbass yeah very true and he goes on to say next is middle laners the utter dicks who drive at five kilometers an hour i don't know where you are ben who drive at five kilometers an hour under the speed limit in the middle lane forcing everyone else to queue up in lane three to overtake making a three-lane motorway

a one-lane motorway utter dicks if they've got either of their fog lights or rear wiper on unnecessarily and they're double dicks i see you see that so often anyway i hope you detest these dicks as much as i do i love i love that because you're driving along and they're a terrible driver but also they have their fog lights on in the middle of the day and you're like right you've got no idea if I just switch everything on it's all going to be ok

that's how it works belt and braces put it all on back wiper all of it just make sure everything's going then I don't have to worry about it later I'm going in guys nice ok I've got one here from Sean Then I don't have to worry about it later. I'm going in. I'm going in, guys. Nice.

Okay, I've got one here from Sean, and he says, it's nice and succinct, not difficult to annihilate these three easy targets. Ricky Gervais, annoying, annoying pompous twat. Richard Branson, bad loser,

lost lottery battle, lost transatlantic balloon race, 100% dick. Russell Brand, seeicky gervais nice one short very very short and sweet um yeah yeah we've succinct and lovely. Yeah, I tell you what, I'll get on... The Richard Branson one, I think, is a very good call. And, um... Do you know, cos he still somehow has this really friendly kind of persona and people are like, oh, it's Richard Branson. He tried to sue the NHS.

Oh, he did, yeah. Like, that's how... How... How are you not the most hated person in the world? You sued the NHS, you complete bastard. Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense. Get so far onto our island, you bastard. Yeah.

So, I'll tell you what, going through the others. I mean, Russell Brand, Sindhu V had a lovely pop at Russell Brand the other day and came up with one of my favorite phrases i've heard in a long time he said this phrase in hindi which i haven't yet learned but i'm determined to learn in hindi he said there's this phrase that translates as the rat the cat has eaten a hundred rats and now wants to go on pilgrimage and tell us all about it yeah and i just thought it was like made for russell brown i thought it's perfect it's ideal that that episode if you haven't listened to that episode oh my god i urge everyone listening to this to go and do it straight away it's very good and ricky gervais i

remember sophie hagan going in on him on an episode that you did with sophie hagan she went in on ricky gervais a lot and one of our upcoming uh guests we've got coming up is going to go in on him quite hard as well and i'm going to keep that secret for now because it's a really good guest oh um no spacey yeah no it's exciting yeah yeah i like it the secrecy tease the people um that will come out in a couple of weeks but um you know what if you want more people hating russell brand james i believe uh your dad mr Mr John Deacon, he's got a few examples of other podcasts

where people laid into Russell Brand as well, hasn't he? Yeah, I think he does. Shall we have a listen? Yes. I forgot to reply. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Well, a great episode this week, Dan, with the legend that is Pat Sharp and with the vaccine now being rolled out, happy days.

Now, for this week's Classic Dicks, I'd like to draw the listener's attention to a name that keeps cropping up and that's Russell Brand. Now, one particularly funny episode is impersonator and comedian Josh Berry's episode. Not only does he do a brilliant take on Russell Brand, but he also does Tom Daley and Andy Murray, among others.

So that's a very funny episode, well worth a listen. My next choice, with a tentative link to this week's Christmas theme, is radio broadcaster Geoff Lloyd's episode. Geoff's film choice was A Wonderful Life, which he always watches at Christmas, but I particularly liked his other comedy choices of Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden. So the choices for this week are

impersonator and comedian Josh Berry's episode and the man with the perfect face for radio, Jeff Lloyd's episode. Hope you enjoy. Cheers. Bye. Well, thank you, John Deacon, for yet another thorough deep dive into the back catalogue, you know, to provide our listeners with recommendations for the week. Themed ones as well. Josh Berry's episode, holy moly,ly that is good his impressions are outstanding if you don't follow him already on twitter his uh his impressions of like um what they like pr to politicians is excellent if you haven't seen it you should go and check those out they're very good and jeff

lloyd as well from uh from of which we used to work with but also jeff lloyd of reasons to be cheerful with ed miller band yeah and also adrift with annabelle port ah correct yeah yeah well thank you very much dad much appreciated as always with uber reserve good things come to those who plan ahead. Family vacay? Reserve your ride as soon as you book your flights. To all the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes

brought to you by the FDA. And your dad there mentioned a couple of Christmas-themed things because last week I was pitching to you, the listener, for Christmas-themed dicks. And I believe you have one sent in, James? I've got this one, a lovely little one here sent in from Jack. And Jack says, my food dick, turkey. Yeah. There is a reason we have turkey once a year why because turkey is shit it's bland tasteless and more importantly it's cumbersome

yeah it's properly shit meat it is it's actually like kind of dry and weird but i kind of get his thinking here it's like the reason why we only really have turkey once a year is because it's not great he said if if it were a country it would be switzerland if it were a member of take that it would be howard if it were a color it would be beige absolutely not the bloody thing takes up so much room in your fridge on the days leading up to christmas you can hardly fit in anything around it subsequently you have to play some sort of refrigerator jenga so you can fit all of your other utide consumables in around the thing major inconvenience and frankly one could do without it yeah i totally agree sorry i'm interrupting you so i didn't know you keep in reading this no no i i agree with that yeah i feel like if um so at the minute we're

working our way through some of the random stuff that we've got in our freezer so we can make space for the turkey just just pick another meat any other meat like buy two chickens instead it's nicer it's the same kind of deal but it's nicer but more delicious yeah so um some of my wife's family for christmas they're having a beef wellington and everyone's up in arms about the fact that they're having a beef wellington instead of a turkey really i think it sounds like a great idea i had roast lamb last year it's great fuck turkey love it okay and jack goes on to say but the space tyranny is not over is it it, lads? No, oh fucking no. More often than not,

you cannot get the pissing thing in the oven, so you have to mutilate the thing so you can just about close the bastard oven door. Pretty difficult since you have just fisted its ass with sausage meat stuffing. Is it over? I hear you cry. Has the turkey terror ended? Of course not, because turkeys are so big,

you're eating the bland, tasteless meat for weeks to come. Frankly, turkey can fuck off. Hope you're all well. Camp Jack from Brighton. Well, thank you. It makes a good point. And I feel like the tide is slowly turning against the turkey, and more and more people are going, fuck this.

Because people always hone in on the brussels sprouts as being the shit bit but like the whole centerpiece is crap that's the trouble stuffing good every other part of it bad i have one here uh this is from joseph and um he says dear dick curators dick curators he's putting brackets that's great i've just caught up after a short break both jay rainer and sindu v were absolute classics i can always tell a good episode when i shout yes out loud while listening i feel like that when i'm talking to them as well um a couple of episodes ago you were having some aldi slash little chat and it uncovered buried rage i've got two dicks for you one general general, one specific.

One is checkout staff who start scanning your stuff before the person before you has stopped dawdling and pissed off. It's hard enough to keep up already without them having a head start, which I think is fair. Yeah. I get a lot of checkout anxiety, so, yeah, any extra, like, speed, I don't like at all. And, Dan, you only shop at wage if i did i wouldn't have any anxiety i'm only joking just because you're a very middle class man i am very middle class that is true but anyway um number two he says once i was in aldi and the oldest woman before me was having

trouble paying i was being unusually patient but i started to eavesdrop um this is an american express card it doesn't have a chip explained the cashier this is what the customer said near verbatim as she paid with another card poshosh voice. Oh, ha ha ha, oops, ha ha. Sorry, but I always try and use the Amex when I can, you know, because of the air miles, you know. Ha ha, how embarrassing. It must look like I had no money. Just imagine it. Ha ha ha.

He goes on to say, any of your listeners who have had a card declined for real can vouch. It is not an ah ha ha situation. Lady, check your privilege and fuck off back to M&S. Wow, that's great. Happy casting, Joseph. Oh, this is great. I really like that. I love the thought of him just boiling away in Aldi. Just getting really hot. oh this is great i really love the thought of him just boiling away in aldi just oh let's just as the cashier just launches all of your items at you onto that tiny little shelf with no space on it whatsoever i know that once i went into aldi and there was a uh there wasn't

anyone else at the checkout and the cashier uh was like i'm gonna teach you a little tip here young man and i was like please teach away she was like swing I'm going to teach you a little tip here, young man. And I was like, please teach away. She was like, swing your trolley around here, line your bags up inside and just chuck everything straight in. And I literally just went like this. And just launched everything into the bags. It revolutionised the whole experience. Do you do that every time now?

Or is it only with that particular one? No, Dan. Now I shop at Tesco's. Hmm. particular one no dan now i shop at tesco's now the podcasting game is going well for you yeah fair enough now as ever uh we always love hearing your submissions it can be anything that we cover in the podcast it could be a person a food a drink a film a song an animal anything like that but if you want to get involved and sometimes struggling for a bit of inspiration because you hate so many things and you want to whittle it down, let me give you

a suggestion, an aid memoir to sort of start you off. So next week if you want to write anything on the theme of this it would be great. We've got we're coming up to Christmas now and for me that is synonymous with a lot of tv chefs getting very busy and recording specials or like releasing books as well and they're all like this year i'm gonna show you

how to make a christmas to remember and that kind of thing and it's very sort of oh you know cook along with me let me show you my little tips and blah blah blah so i'd like any um tv chef dicks specifically please oh this is good i really like this a lot have you heard the um clip that's been going round up from nigella's program but she calls it oh she said she says she's talking about cream and she says before i something like before i add it to the dish i like like to pop it in the micro-wave. I don't know whether someone has planted that so it would go viral, but she calls the microwave a micro-wave.

I think she's just getting jazzy with the language. I know. Fair enough. I've been thinking about that all day. I'm going to search that out as soon as we're done so yeah my thing is um you know sometimes there's a celebrity that you really like their food but you can't stand the person right i don't but i know you do there's uh nigel slater so he's like telly sometimes. He does really good cookbooks. He's in The Observer and Guardian, that sort of thing. But he's an unbearably smug man.

Like, he's always sort of like... And on Instagram, I had to unfollow him because he's always just like showing pictures of his nice house. I mean, like, in the morning, I like to get up very early and have this special cup that a master made for me in Japan to have my lovely green tea or sometimes i'll have a different herbal tea the way the light comes through the window is like fucking hell mate like yeah shut up like your food is delicious looking but like

ah god look at my fucking life it's unbearable draining So that's what made me think of this. Lovely. Okay, I think that's prime. Yeah, so submissions to dixpod.com slash contact or DMS on Instagram and Twitter at DixPod. Great. All right. Well, I guess bye. Yeah, bye. yeah bye