Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 12

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

As we near the end of the year the dicks get a bit christmassy! Plus there's talk of being right up Donald Trump's arse. Submit you choices for the island at dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Marc Jacobs perfume gift sets include everything she needs to feel special. From her favorite fragrance plus the matching travel spray, holiday gifts don't get much more perfect than this. So if you're looking for a gift inspiration these holidays, gift theable with Marc Jacobs. Hey Dan, welcome to Compact Dicks, the show where we go through the dicks of other people that have sent them in that aren't famous. Was that really, like, nicely put together? Yes, yes, I could tell that you'd thought about that for seconds. I was like, Dan, how do we get into this? And I was like, I'm just going to go in two footed here and I really missed no no

I liked it a lot yeah Compact Dicks that's right I'm Dan he's James and this is this is the spin off

to the main Desert Island Dicks so this is exclusively listener based contributions you the listener tell us your dicks,

the worst people and things you could be stuck on an island with. And, you know, we just talk about them a little bit. Yeah. That's how it goes, isn't it? Dan, should we kick off with some dicks? Yeah, let's kick right off with some dicks. Dan, I'm going to go first if you will allow me the honour. I'll go right ahead.

OK, so this one comes in from Georgia. Thanks, Georgia. It starts with, my lovely Jason and Ben. Lovely. Oh, hang on. My lovely Jason. Oh, has she portmanteaued Deacon and then taken Beddix? Hang on.

It says, my lovely Jason and Ben. Just kidding, Dan. But then, does she think you're called Dan but then i'm called jason i mean i only did nearly 100 episodes of this i don't know anyway but thank you georgia yeah um with the awareness that we are all to a certain extent dicks but some of us triumph shamelessly being exemplary and irreversibly colossal dicks, here is my chosen dick for this week. I'm about to unleash the wrath of many, but who fucking cares? Whoa.

Here we go. It's Diego Armando Maradona. Oh, I mean, he's barely cold. I mean, yeah. Talking about going in two-footed, eh? He was, hands down, one of the most creative and talented football players to ever have existed. Yet the personification of the concept of Panam El Cerences. What does that mean?

No idea. Oh, no idea. Oh, sorry. The personification of Panam El Cerences. Panam El Cerences. What does that that mean it means bread and circuses in latin and it's the idea that um you know to keep a populace just contained and docile all they need is bread and circuses so literally like keep them fed give them entertainment and you won't have a riot on your hands interesting wow okay Wow. Okay, I like that.

Thanks for breaking it down for me. James, for a podcast host, your grasp of Latin is terrible. I know. I would just say I'm significantly less middle class than you. That's true. I mean, your grasp of Latin, on the other hand, is outstanding. Well, I take this job seriously. What can I say? I'm sorry um okay now Georgia goes on to make some interesting claims about Diego

Maradona that are quite what's the word I'm looking for Dan um uh well you can't slander the dead but at the same time we haven't been able to verify all the claims because we don't do much research. So we're going to tread lightly around a couple of the things that she says he was. Yeah, so I think she goes on to say he did some awful... Let's just put an umbrella. He did some awful stuff and was linked to narco traffic.

Should we say that? Yeah. And it was interesting that he was died on the international day of the elimination of violence against women that's what she's interesting i can imagine him being absolutely useless on the island only doing keep ups with the cook with coconuts while all the others are foraging for food shouting at others and giving the finger a maradona classic snorting sand out of desperation and making over and over again a fallout of himself between a heart failure and another what a nightmare thank you very much guys for this equally fun and cathartic podcast

almost a group therapy experience but free of charge georgia heart she did a little heart at the end oh well you're very welcome thank Thank you, Georgia. We censored ourselves there for safety, but as Dan says, you can't slander the dead. But I get that, although he was an incredible football player. You know, some say the best of all time.

He wasn't without his faults. I just think, I mean, he's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare to be on an island with. Like, I mean, he's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare to be on an island with. Like, I mean, you know, he's got... You're on an island with someone that thinks they're a living God. Yeah, and has been treated mostly as a living God

for most of your life in your country. And then add in, like, sort of the kind of paranoia that you get with years of narcotic abuse. And, I mean, it's just going to be a really, really horrendous person to spend time with. And she alluded to aspects of his personal behaviour towards others, which, if true, and I know very little about him, would also be a very big factor in him being a colossal fucking dick. Yes, I think that's fair to say.

And we have trodden safely to the end of that one so thank you very much georgia much appreciated and um although you know this man comes with very few faults but also some have claimed in the past that he is a living god dan i think it's time to listen to my dad give his choices for Desert Island Dicks this week. Here he is, my father, Jonathan Mark Deacon. Let's go. Lovely. Hi, James.

Hi, Dan. Well, great episode this week, Dan, with the brilliant Suze Kempner. Very funny. What we've not knowing what's happening with the lockdown this Christmas, we could all do with cheering up. So here's a couple of classic dicks that might do the job. And now my first choice is a former political advisor and comedian. Well, personally, I thought they were the same thing. But that is Aisha Hazarika's episode. Taking us back to Pat Sharp's episode, how he mentioned never having had a cup of tea.

Unbelievable. Still a legend, but unbelievable. Ayesha's choice of drink was Earl Grey tea. Ayesha is a lover of tea in general, having a family in Assam, India, working in the tea industry. Well, funnily enough, her uncle works in a tea garden and said of all the blends of tea Yorkshire tea is the best. So if anyone from Yorkshire

tea wants to sponsor us with a few boxes feel free. Ayesha came out with one of my favourite lines and that is that Piers Morgan is so far up Donald Trump's arse, he is within touching distance of Nigel Farage's shoes. And that did make me chuckle. Now, my next choice is comedian Matt Adlington's episode. This has got a tenuous link to this week's theme of annoying chefs. Matt chose Paul Hollywood and went on to say how hollywood nearly ran him over in his bentley and then he goes on to mention that one of the first facts on wikipedia is how hollywood made the world's most expensive bread well that is well worth a listen brilliant so

my choices for this week are former political advisor and comedian Aisha Hazarika's episode and the very funny Matt Adlington's episode hope you enjoy cheers bye Aisha Hazarika I that was a fan such a good episode to record she came with such rock solid choices and that line that she came out with that he quotes and that was uh that's hilarious so yeah yeah it's so spot on so good um yeah well thank you for another sterling report there john deacon lovely thank you very much father of mine now dan uh at this juncture in the podcast i like to remind the listeners that we they can get us on twitter and instagram we do very little posting on there something that i'll try and rectify in the new year but one thing you can do is get in

touch with us at dixpod on twitter and instagram with your dm should you wish to be part of the and this one comes in from chris chris says done a bit of catching up recently and have really enjoyed the compact dicks i'd like to put my old pe teacher on the island when i was 12 he gave me 1000 lines for saying oh shit the reason i said it was that i disclosed my thumb was in some discomfort the bastard didn't believe i was left-handed and thought i only said i was to get out of writing lines when i look back it makes me angry at how much some teachers were just bullies agree a thousand lines a thousand that's that's insane I've never heard anyone getting a thousand Christ PE teachers are just such a weird breed of person because it's like you don't care about fitness that much because you know you don't really like it's not like you really take it that seriously like most

of the time you're just sort of walking around they're just weird people in our school the PE teachers also had to be a they also had to teach a subject as well right it was always geography or maths for some reason they seemed to be like the ones that they could do so you'd like have a really annoying bully as a PE teacher and then if you unlucky, he'd also be your maths teacher or something as well. That's how he is. That's fucking awful. Luckily, PE teachers aren't known for Latin. Otherwise, you'd have had him three times round.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but you deserve that. No, I mean it. I think probably in terms of PE teacher stories, we've got to go back to Sam Delaney's episode for an incredible PE teacher story. Oh my God, that rock solid stuff, yeah. So I really recommend checking that out

if you're looking for a very articulate description of a PE teacher being a total dick. Oh, yeah, the way that he tells that story is incredible. Yeah. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows

to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsand ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com yeah um dan have you got one i do have one this one's a beauty uh this is from becky well her name is rebecca but on her email it says becky i don't know what to go for but I've covered both bases there. She says, Hello, wrigglers. Hope all well. I love that. Wrigglers.

It makes me feel warm. Firstly, apologies that my dick isn't a celebrity chef related but you can be absolutely sure every single one of them is guilty of this heinous crime against Christmas. This is because last week

I was suggesting that if anyone wanted to get in touch about celebrity chefs over christmas they're very welcome but she goes on to say it's trifle for too long my christmases have been all but ruined by the ghost of trifle yet to come every bloody year the question arises in our house what sort of trifle should we do this year and every year i say the same absolutely none it doesn't matter what twist you put on it whether you jazz it up with mint or wood chip or prawns it should exist nowhere but in a twee victorian novel who even decided that the largest roast dinner of the year should be rounded off with the insipid dairy heavy textureless wobble bastard that is trifle.

Only for it to induce you into a resentful and nauseous sugar coma for the rest of the day. A resentful sugar coma. I love that. Even worse, on a desert island, it will be airline trifle, so any sniff of alcohol would be replaced by some vile, booze-free sherry extract. The whole island would smell like a dairy farmer's socks in August, and every little bitey ant bastard would leap from the trees

to converge upon it en masse. As well as the ants, the whole terrible thing would attract sand like a magnet, although that might at least give it some texture, and its single redeeming feature, a half-a-shriveled glacé cherry on top, would only serve to create a King Arthur-type situation in which the strongest of the group would overpower the others to claim it, like plucking the sword from the stone.

In the case of my island, that would mean Elon fucking Musk parading about the place like king shit sucking a morello. The only saving grace in this entire dairy vom fest is that as our teeth inevitably rot and fall out of our skulls, at least we can still suck the vile goop up through our rapidly shriveling gums. Yeah, trifles a dick. Merry Christmas. oh my god that's so good that is really

really good oh man you guys honestly our listeners you outdo yourself every time that is solid stuff

there's so many sound bites now I mean that's just wonderful isn't it yeah if I could be bothered to make an audiogram

I'd do it yeah I need to pull my finger out of my arse hey Dan but let's not make it Just wonderful. Isn't it? Yeah. If I could be bothered to make an audiogram, I'd do it. Yeah. I need to pull my finger out of my ass. Hey, Dan, but let's not make it about me. Let's make it about the listeners. So Becky was talking about Christmas there. Obviously, it's Christmas next Friday.

And I think we deliberated over this. And I don't think we actually spoke about it. But I may have made the decision for us. Let's put an episode out on Christmas Day. Sure. I mean, we've got nothing else to Let's put an episode out on Christmas Day. Sure. I mean, we've got nothing else to be doing that day. I know. Yeah, but I mean, okay. Hypothetical situation.

No, I'm joking. I'm joking. No, let's put it out. I'm into it. I'm into it. So my son this morning woke up at the horrifically early time of 4.30 in the morning, right? That is like sledgehammer to the face kind of stuff that was horrible like children's tv hasn't started yet i'm pulling out youtube videos

out of nowhere at low volume because i can shut my eyes this is the kind of stuff that's going on when they know it's christmas day the next day god forbid what may happen so all i'm saying is you or i whoever else might be up super early and you might need to find that 15 minutes away from your family just you're up with your kids stick those headphones on and ignore them for 15 minutes and listen to us moan about christmas your reasoning is very sound and i commend you for it this is this is good thinking yeah let's do it so what i'm looking for from our listeners this week is your Christmas sticks. You know, we all love Christmas,

but as Becky gave the perfect example there, it doesn't come without its faults, right? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, we're all sort of, you know, we're all put in groups of people, you know, who maybe you don't spend as much time with as normal and there's sort of traditions that's kind of has to do because it's tradition

but you don't necessarily like it you know like the trifle in her case or like turkey or brussels sprouts you know there's lots of things like that so you know throughout our lives everyone knows it's like you know you get you get a present as a child or you get a present for a child and it's always like oh fuck we didn't get batteries and it's that sort of pain in the arse thing about Christmas. Oh, my God, yeah. But I think in recent years, or at least since I've become a parent and realised this, there's like a new level to this,

which is that because of some health and safety directive somewhere, now all battery flaps have to be screwed down. Have you noticed that yes yes yeah so i'd like to put in the group of the body responsible for health and safety that decided that all battery panels must now be screwed down to prevent kids eating batteries because like i don't know how many kids were eating batteries but i never met anyone who did right me and now it's like it's not only do you have to find the batteries, you have to find the correct tiny screwdriver to open the fucking thing.

And then also, with loads of these things, because it's like really cheaply made crap, like the thread on the screw often like, you know, when it sort of twists off and then you can't even get the battery panel off. And then you've just got this little flapping thing. Oh, well, you can't get it off. Yeah, yeah, totally.

Yeah, because, like, you turn the screwdriver and it just, like, twists the screw so that the head bit is just mangled. I've duct taped many a battery flap back on. Totally. Yeah. Oh! Go on. Sorry, this is, sorry, I'm just interrupting because this is a really good tip, right? My sister-in-law told me.

First, it's going to really save a lot of parents out there you know like most kids toys a lot of them have like a volume setting where they have like normal and louder but even the normal is too loud and obviously your kid wants it on the loudest but it's already too loud a bit of sellotape over the speaker knocks it down by half oh dan this is this is gonna revolutionize my christmas the kids don't notice because it's still making a noise but you've like it will save your fucking life over christmas dan i you i think you've you've saved my christmas christmas morning imagine 4 30 in the morning i'm Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol and then I can just stick some duct tape over that shit and half it.

Bam, you're welcome. Yeah, yeah and I can't wait to hear them so go to dixpod.com slash contact and there's a contact form on there and you can send it, that comes straight through to us and we'll compile and get in as many as we can in 20 minutes for 15-20 minutes for

Christmas morning or you can get in touch with us Dickspod on Instagram or Twitter and so I guess there's only one thing left to say then and that's bye I know we always do this I was going to say oh no we can say Merry Christmas the next one can't we so we'll do that okay so

fuck it okay bye