Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 14

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

Happy(ish) New Year to you all not a lot to say other than Dick Dick Dicky Dick Dick, Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick. Loads in the pod, get it in your head. Submit your dicks here: dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Dan, happy new year. Happy new year, James. How are you doing? That's mad, isn't it?

It's a new year. Yeah. It's weird that when you look back and it's like, yeah, we've done all the seasons in lockdown. We're back, we're in winter. We've done spring, summer, autumn. It's the full house, baby. Oh, I hadn't thought of it like that. Fucking hell. I mean, I wasn't feeling great about the whole thing and then I got on this Zoom call with you and you've really just turned things around. Oh, I really appreciate that, man.

You know, that's... It's not exactly what I'm here for, but I'm happy that it's having that effect, so thank you. I mean, for a man that's been stuck at home with his kid, like, non-stop for a few days, you're just, like, you're oozing positivity. Yeah, I've been in a good mood today,

which is weird, because it's, like, the first day of back at work as well, and I don't know what's happening. I don't know, maybe it's just, like't know what's happening. I don't know. Maybe it's just like Stockholm syndrome or something. I don't know. Anyway, but, you know, here we are. Don't let me evaluate it for you, Dan.

Hey, do you know what I've been doing that I really need to stop doing? What? Is every time I say Happy New Year, like it written down, I write happy and then ish in brackets. And it's just I've gotten in the habit of writing happy ish new year to the point that on email earlier i did it to someone externally at work and i thought fuck i need to stop doing this oh man yeah yeah i yeah i think you could stop doing that well happy new year to you dear listeners yeah yeah happy new year for if you're a new listener welcome aboard if you're an existing listener then thanks for staying aboard i'm gonna keep

this maritime analogy going uh welcome no i'm not gonna bother um but yeah thank you this is if you if you're new to this this isn't the normal desert Island dicks. This is our spinoff. This is compact dicks. And this is where me and James read out your suggestions. You, the listeners, because you can get in touch, um, Dick's pod.com slash contact, uh,

to email us in your choices, or you can get in touch at Dick's pod on Instagram and Twitter as well. And then, uh, we can, we can read them out, share the dicks with the world. Dan, I could not have done that better myself.

Hey. Succinct to the point. And that's where the succinct and to the point bit ends because from here on out... It's going to be a rambling mess. Right, here we go. Dan, have you got one? I have got one.

This comes from Ben Johnson on Twitter at Dick's Pod. And he says, Hi, Dick Wranglers. Happy New Year. And Happy New Year to you, Ben. Happy New Year to you, Ben. I should point out, this is Ben Johnson, not the former sprinter. It's a different one.

Oh, OK. I thought it might have been him, but fair play. He probably hates me for saying that now. I imagine a lot of people said that. But he's got a great suggestion because he says, I'd like to nominate a whole group of people, TV evangelists. Specifically, it would be the shiny-faced granny charmer, Kenneth Copeland.

Now, I don't know if you guys are familiar with it. I didn't know that I knew who this guy was until I Googled him. And then when you Google him, you go, oh, that guy guy you might have seen a clip of him he's like he's one of those massive tv evangelists in america and you'll have seen a clip probably of him at the beginning when he's trying to banish covid and he's like i said you get away from me covid i will smite you, COVID. And he's just got these terrifying eyes. Anyway, Ben continues, I used to think he was a harmless but entertaining character, but then I saw how much money he extorts from people

and how he spends it on a luxury private jet and limousine lifestyle. To make him even more of a dick, I watched a YouTube video of him losing his shit to a reporter who questioned him on how he spent money donated to his church. Thank fuck he's a little octogenarian or he'd be scary as fuck. The thought of spending any time on an island with that shouty, righteous, angry little dick is enough to make my piss boil. What a dick.

He does look terrified. I think he's got like these eyes that burn into you and I think if you're on an island with him it's not like he'd suddenly tone it down

he'd be there screeching like get up get up and pray we're gonna get off this island it's like well it didn't work

with Covid mate come on just build a fucking shelter because he doesn't actually believe in that stuff surely he just

likes to extort people for money so you see him running around being like we're all doomed we're all doomed he's not gonna think that it could actually happen also those eyes that he's got they they are terrifying but what's made worse is because he's had so much plastic surgery on his face you know when someone's face looks like a mask and you can see their eyes of their old self from behind it so it's like it's like even more terrifying definitely i think he looks like someone who like lasers could come out of his eyes quite easily you know if that happened you'd be surprised but not that surprised yeah you go fucking oh no yeah fair enough

thank you very much for that ben james do you have a dick for for our listeners yes i've got one here and it comes in from sy on email you can get in touch with us dickspod.com slash contact and there's a little contact box on there and sy has got in touch to say without question anyone that does a silly little jump skip stagger sway stop start or any other variation of idiotic run-up when taking a penalty. Absolute and utter dick. Whether the score or not, dicks. Utter dicks. I understand this.

So sometimes you might see when the striker or whoever's designated to take the penalty is going to run up, they might do a little sort of strange run as he has described there. It's never bothered me. I've always quite enjoyed it. I like seeing someone's unique style. Marcus Rashford does this thing where he kind of stands in one spot, looks at the goalkeeper, and the goalkeeper's sort of evaluated.

It gives it enough time. Then he steps to one side to throw them off, does a little slow, and then a quick run. And I like it. I feel, and as you know, I know nothing about football, but I feel it's a bit, it's kind of, I don't feel it's sporting. Because the goalie can't do the equivalent. I don't know, it just feels like the advantage is to the guy kicking the ball.

And I just think it's unsportsmanlike. Yeahlike yeah yeah i do understand where he's coming from um i think i've exhausted all my football chat james but i agree i just basically showboating in professional sports so it just annoys me yeah okay agreed yeah i think so you're onto something i do think so hey and also you know we get a little joy nowadays and so if you're on to something. I do think so. Hey, and also, you know, we get a little joy nowadays. And so if it ruins your enjoyment of that football match, then it should fuck off. Good, good stuff. James, you know what?

I'm enjoying chatting to you, but I feel I need a little rest, a little respite. And I feel like I'd like to hear from from a sort of an older more mature version of yourself if that's possible is there any way we can make that happen perhaps with some audio sent in by by by james deacon senior aka john deacon yeah i know exactly how to make that happen hang on dan it's gonna happen right now hi james hi dan well here we are the first compact dicks of 2021 and well done dan for a couple of great episodes over christmas and new year with the brilliant comedians dane baptiste and tanya moore brilliant yet again we are unfortunately

in total lockdown so what better to cheer us up but some classic dicks. Now, going back to what a loyal listener suggested on the last episode, people you should not put on the desert island. Firstly, I'd like to recommend comedian and star of BBC TV's Men Like Mobyne, Terzelius's episode in which he chose his own girlfriend. So that was a while ago, so after listening to that, she probably isn't his girlfriend anymore.

Also, my next recommendation is comedian Olga Cox, who chose her dad, and mainly for the reason that if she wanted to have sex on the island, she wouldn't want her dad and mainly for the reason that if she wanted to have sex on the island she wouldn't want her dad around so that's a very funny episode so my choices for this

week are comedian and TV star Tez Ilias' episode and the very funny Olga Koch's episode so I hope you enjoy cheers, bye and there we have it lovely, thank you again john for your lovely

recommendations his knowledge of the podcast is is something else i like he definitely i've listened to all the episodes as have you and he definitely knows it better than both of us and we were there during the recording two fine choices, yeah. Two fine choices. Very, very good choices. But you know what? If we're going to have someone who's like a real super fan who knows it inside out, I'd rather it was someone that we know and can trust, not an unknown quantity that you think

might just turn up outside your house. I mean, if he turns up outside your house at night, it's probably because you've prearranged it or he's going to do some babysitting or something. It's okay. It's not like just a mad person. So I'm happy with the setup. Well, very much uh dad for sending that in and we'll have more from john deacon next week thank you john you're a podcast listener and this is a

podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. James, do you have another dick to slap us around the face with? I will. Sean has got in touch, dixpod.com slash contact, and he says, Hi, big fan of the show. Keep doing what you're doing.

Sean, we will. My dick would be charity workers in the high street. Now, I just want to say I have nothing against charity, but it's when the person touting the charity puts pressure on you to donate more than you can afford or have on you at the time i've met someone like this i have a soft spot for dogs and i just lost my jack russell when i was ambushed outside of tesco's by dogs trust i signed up to what i thought was two quid

a month turned out it signed me up to 20 quid a month so i had to cancel oh oh that's a bit that's that's not on is it no that is 20 quid a month that's mental but also they work on commission don't they well james full disclosure my first job after college was being a charity fundraiser on the street and i didn't earn commission but i got i got paid like an hourly rate okay um so you know okay yeah commission is wrong yeah you're right you know what sean i think anyone who is in a position where they're trying to earn the trust of people to sort of enable you to do something positive for other people or animals or whatever the cause is and they sort of misplace that trust and sort of take the piss by putting down 20 quid a month i mean they are a proper dick because they give all of

it a bad name and you know it's supposed to be a good thing but that's yeah that's bullshit man that is totally agree i agree with that so sean sent us that message and then what i can see is 10 minutes later he followed up with the second email so he's obviously sent that and then stewed on it slightly another thing yeah and another thing he said sean's uh followed up to say i have a song choice it's not famous but it's stuck in my head from school assemblies and music lessons my teacher mr evans would make us sing the following now i don't know the tune it's not obvious and he hasn't pointed out what it is but i'm gonna give it a go anyway okay soggy soggy socks and freezing fingers glowing no slow down i'm gonna give it another go soggy socks and freezing fingers glowing no snow down your

wellies cold toes soggy socks and freezing fingers wow a beautiful rendition james thank you very much for that i mean i've just made that up it just says soggy socks and freezing fingers. Wow. Beautiful rendition, James. Thank you very much for that. I mean, I've just made that up. It just says soggy socks and freezing fingers, glowing nose, snow down your wellies, cold toes. I have no idea what the tune would be, but he goes on to say, this would be repeated about ten times

and in a high-pitched voice, so annoying if it was to be played on repeat on a desert island, especially with winter imagery oh man definitely and like the fact that like the rhyme there's no rhyme so it feels like it's really gonna rhyme and it doesn't at all it's like sets you up and never gives you that release that you know you're like no this is just words smashed together not all songs have to rhyme obviously you know bob d Dylan's made a good career

without bothering to do any of that. But, like, just... It feels like a nursery rhyme, but they should rhyme. Yeah. It's fucking frustrating. And anything nursery rhyme-like, being stuck with that on an island in your head forever is just horrendous.

I wish I knew the real tune, but we will never know. We will never know. Yeah, good couple of dicks there, mate. Well done. Good shout. Thank you very much, Sean. Now, finally, we've got a dick from, this is from Georgia,

and she says, Georgia's the person, it's not like from the state of Georgia. Hi, Georgia. It's too broad. Georgia says, Dear Dan, James and John, Happy New Year.

Oh, John gets a shout out. Oh, he loves it. He loves it. She says, She says, I'm that total dick who recently sent you a message intentionally calling Dan Ben, as I remember Dan saying in one of the episodes

of Desert Island Dicks that people often mistakenly call him Ben, and who unintentionally called James Jason. I swear I'm generally awful at remembering names. I'm sorry I'm sending this apology only now. I like to listen to your podcast during my long walks to work and back home, and as I had a long Christmas break, I'm catching up with the latest episodes only now. Loved the Christmas one. You're making these weird times much more bearable. Thanks. Have a banging Christmas break, I'm catching up with the latest episodes only now. Loved the Christmas one. You're making these weird times much more bearable.

Thanks. Have a banging New Year, guys. Georgia. Oh. Well, with an email like that, you are absolutely, all is forgiven. I went from like, this is all lovely and fun, singing Georgia to her, and then I thought, oh, it was you. And then by the end, I love love her again and i'm glad she

listens to the podcast so there we go i find it so weird that us rambling along can make any situation better for people out there but you know it's lovely i'll take it yeah it's so funny isn't it i don't understand it's really weird. But, you know, but thank you. I'm glad. I'm glad. And do you know what, James? Because normally at the end of these, I like to set up like a,

a dick for people to write in. Yeah. And this sets up nicely. So, you know, obviously you can send in any dicks you like, whether they're people, food,

drink, film, song, animal, as we do in the other podcast. But sometimes if you want to get involved and you need a little inspiration I sort of set a little topic which can

jog your sort of inspiration if you want and I was going to do it on times you know that you've been a dick and George's email feeds into that perfectly so it's times that you know you're being a dick and it's inspired good so it's times that you know you're being a dick and um and it's inspired by

like my new way of cheering myself up which is like i know it i know it's a really dickish thing to do but in you know we're all in whatsapp groups these days we're all in lots of too many yeah and um my latest thing is when there's like a sincere conversation going on about something that's in the news or something that's happening, I like to send a link that goes, oh, yeah, did you see this footage about the thing that you're talking about that happened earlier? Or like, oh, my God, have you seen this article on or do you see the short video on that thing that you're talking about? Like really puts it all into perspective. And I post a little link and when they click on the link it goes straight to the youtube video of that you know that 90s samba dance tune that goes and like and i'll maybe get two people replying haha but like that cheers me up for like an hour

that's great that's why i was in a good mood when i when we started speaking because i'd just done it again to another whatsapp group and i know it makes me a real dick it's not that funny but this is like suddenly 2021 is all mapped out for me nice yes okay all right i'm into this dick move's such a dick move. It's a dick move. Oh, so I have little things like this. Like, for a while, like, I would just, whenever I did anything around the house, I'd turn to my wife and go, legend. And I just knew, I knew she hated it.

But for me, it just brought me so much joy. Yeah, yeah. And I'd just, I'd do something like, you know, run the kid's bath and come through and just raise an eyebrow and be like legend and i know i know i was being a dick but um it just brought me some joy it's very much like at the beginning of the very first lockdown i managed to drop my phone three times in a week and uh i just the screen was getting more and more smashed but everything was shut so i thought how am i going to fix it so i found a i bought a screen for it

and tools online on ebay and i learned how to fix my iphone screen myself and then for the next two weeks i only referred to myself in the household as the king of science science and um and you know my wife is a very patient woman but um i think i think it was it was testing it you know in lockdown conditions so that's what we want it's just times when you know you've been a dick because you know i sit here every week talking about people being dicks but you know i'm not perfect and people who live in glass houses and all that so get in touch at dicks pod on instagram and twitter if you want to dm us or you can email us dickspod.com contact and that's that man that's great is this is this have we done this i think i think i think we've done it this is great okay. Okay, cool. Yeah. First Compact Dicks of 2021. Wow.

What's 2021 going to bring? I mean, it can't be much worse than last year. Famous last words. I feel like we've been saying that as a group of people since about 2014 and every single... 2014 was the horse meat lasagna year,

I think. And we went, oh, yeah, God, that was horse meat in ready meals. Christ, I would fucking kill for a horse meat lasagna. What I'd give for a year that's defined by a horse meat lasagna. That barely anyone even ate. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess

bye. Bye.