Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 15

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

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Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine. And disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. well here we go dan yeah we find ourselves once again on this island so you know what this island gets worse all the time and um i'm not talking about the mythological one on our podcast oh hey oh yeah man stepping into 2021 full of satire biting satire i i came up with that off the cuff i liked it a lot and it's good my response sounded much more sarcastic than I meant it to. That's just my nature, unfortunately. If you enjoyed that, then severely lower your expectations

for the next 15 to 20 minutes. How are you? I'm all right, you know. Obviously, all things considered. I'm trying to remain grateful. Nice words. And look on the positive side. But, you know, I'm trying to remain grateful and look on the positive side but I'm finding that increasingly difficult and we're only what 14 days into the

year so are you okay? I'm alright, do you know what I shouldn't really complain but I'm gonna I just feel like, slightly like the hard yards are setting in a little bit do you know what I mean, I shake them but also some days I'm gonna. I just feel like, slightly like the hard yards are setting in a little bit. Do you know what I mean?

I shake them, but also, some days I'm just like, who am I and what do I do? Why am I here? And why haven't I left my house in five days? Yeah, this definitely feels like the, okay, to use a comparison,

in Strongman, you know, World's Strongest Man, which, you know world's strongest man which you know you might have been watching over the new year because it's one of my favorite festive televisual trees i know you love it you love it you know the weights always get heavier it's not like just lift this heavy thing as many times as you can it's like the heavier thing you lift the next thing's even heavier and the next thing's even heavier it's a bit like that but at the end you get to stop and you'll just be a big sweaty red man. It doesn't work anymore.

But, you know, at some point it does stop and it'll be normal again. You get crowned the strong man and then you've made it through and you are the winner. Yeah, and we'll all win eventually. We'll all be the strong men and women. We'll be the strong people. I could have said it in a quicker way by just saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Okay, this is good. but it makes us the strongest man yes okay hey look uh hello

everybody listen let me explain what we're doing here let me tell you what this is this is compact dicks if you've tuned in and you're like what's this this isn't a guest telling us all about the three people and the worst things to be stuck on an island with. Well, you're right. No, this is me and James, and this is Compact Dicks. It's where you, the listener, tell us about the people and things that you hate. And it's your chance to give back a little hate to the world.

Oh, God. I couldn't have done it better myself, Dan. Concise to the point. So people can get in touch. You can send in your things that you'd hate to be stuck on a desert island with to dixpod.com contact right okay yeah i mean if you want to get all sort of 21st century about it you can dm us on instagram and twitter at dixpod oh listen to you slide into our dms please um all right so let's just get into this shall we

get right in there okay this one is coming from ian hello ian and he says hi team hope you are all doing well well as we've just pointed out ian we're doing absolutely average my choice for desert island dicks would be bear grills you may think this an odd choice but bear scoos the pun with me okay nice straight away not such an odd choice because he's one of the most chosen people for the island i believe right down he's the most chosen person which i i mean i find him i'm not really bothered either way by him so i'm surprised that so many people hate him but i mean i have been brought round to the idea by some very thorough reasoning but i want to hear ian's reasoning okay ian says i just think he'd make you feel useless he'd be making all of this incredible stuff and like befriending fish by some sort of telepathic

communication and getting them all to throw themselves ashore making hats and coats out of tree bark and you'd be there going ah I can't cope and struggling to make a shelter or to find some clean pants. And he'd just be like, okay, and doing all this crazy stuff that would be super annoying. Like if people were a similar level or a little above or below, that would be fine because you'd feel in it together.

But he'd just be adapting and surviving too well and he might even think you were too weak and eat you anyway thanks for listening to my craziness and hope you understand cheers guys fab show i only just discovered it and will be telling all my friends about it take care ian oh thank you ian yeah you make a good point i think i always feel like with bear grills i've seen a couple of his programs and he's always talking about the importance of morale and keeping spirits high. But I get the feeling while that is true, the way he would lift spirits and keep morale high would be very different to mine. You know what I mean?

And he'd be like, come on, let's sing some uplifting Christian songs. I'm like, it's fine. It's not how I want to live my life right now on the island can you stop can you stop singing bear not again we've done this yesterday no more fucking singing now you know okay it's so interesting to me because of like the obvious choice would just be to have someone that's a survival expert with you so you don't die but um yeah but he's come up so many times it's you know it's just solidified constantly that bear girls would be the worst person to be stuck with you can't argue with the facts no no he's there uh anyway okay um maybe

2021 will change that and uh we shall just have to see who gets picked again. I've got one here. This one is from Oscar. Oscar. And Oscar writes, I would put mushrooms on the island because I hate them. That's it. Is that it? That's it.

That's all of it. I mean, I can read out his email address and the time it was sent if you want more. But that's all we've got. Oscar, that is lovely. That is what I'm talking about. It doesn't need to be a lengthy explanation. Although we do enjoy those too. Just let us know.

Make it your own. It could be the shorter the better. God, at one time I'd love it if we had like 10 or 15 and they were just one-word emails. Now, that would make a good episode. Oscar, I totally understand. Mushrooms have come up a lot, haven't they? Yeah, I mean, again, I like a mushroom, but I can understand why they freak people out,

especially, you know, when you're getting into the more niche end of fungi, you know. But I think, also, if they were all you had to eat on the island oh yeah oh my god um all right well that was a fantastic choice thank you very much oscar dan it feels like we're getting into this quite quickly but i love it um it's if you haven't listened to this before then um it's a strange place to join us i feel like but um welcome aboard and it's at this juncture that we throw over to our regular correspondent and major part of Compact Dicks it's my dad John Deacon. Let's hear from him. I don't know if he needed that bit or not. He paused and I was like oh you're waiting for me to say something. Here he is. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Well, at the time of recording, I am in isolation

as a member of my family has tested positive for coronavirus. So plenty of time to cheer myself up by listening to some classic dicks and also there's fuck all else to do. So thanks for another great episode this week dan recorded from the other side of the world in new zealand no less with the brilliant comedian laura davis now laura isn't the first comedian to be recorded from the other side of the world as we also have comedian alice frazier's episode so it's very funny talking of contributors from Oz, I'd like to recommend award winning comedians and podcasters Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne, a.k.a. the Scummy Mummies episode.

Now, coincidentally, Helen is also from Australia. you that this episode is very rude and definitely an eye-opener and trust me Helen's drink choice definitely made her eyes open widely so very funny well worth a listen now going back to last week's episode where Dan asked the listeners why they would consider themselves a dick I'd like to recommend from the archive dj and broadcaster dave berry's episode now dave's three choices were all himself but usually as a result of an excess of alcohol i particularly liked hungover dave who completely lost an episode of his radio breakfast show that's very funny so my choices for this week are award-winning comedians and podcasters ellie gibson and helen thorn aka the scummy mummies episode and also dj and

broadcaster dave berry's episode so right that's me done i'm going back to my covid isolation and i hope to speak to you uh next week so cheers bye i like to think of your father as a sort of uh you know one of those personal shoppers that posh people have where like they go around a department store picking out things that they think will suit you you know uh sort of based on the current weather and mood and fashion and style. He's like that, but for our podcast only. Grabbing classy bits for everyone. He followed up to say, James, might be an idea to mention that the Scummy Mummies

had a sellout Edinburgh show and had a five-star rating in The Observer. And I was like, OK, I'm going to mention that. He obviously wanted to add that, so thank you very much, Dad. Yeah, thank you for that, as always I'm going to mention that. He obviously wanted to add that. So thank you very much, Dad. Yeah, thank you for that as always. Some excellent choices in there. I mean, I always quote the Dave Berry episode as saying the dicks inside him. Because he was just like, James, I'm going to give you my three dicks.

And if you'll allow me this, I'd like to give you the dicks inside me. And I thought that is really good. It's a very, very good choice um and another excellent episode with the scummy mummies top draw yeah they were both very good indeed yeah with amex platinum you can really be in the now access to resi priority notify yes 4 p.m checkout with fine hotels and resorts booked through Amex Travel. We needed this. And dedicated card member entrances at select events.

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ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. And yeah, we were talking about that, you know, just last episode, I was sort of saying, you know, if you want to get in touch with the times that you've been a dick. Because, you know, I sit here all the time talking about other people being dicks. I am very, very much not exempt from that at all. Yeah, me either. God, Jesus Christ. We were talking about it just before. I am very, very much not exempt from that at all. Yeah, me either. God, Jesus Christ. We were talking about it just before.

Yeah. And I've got some correspondence here on exactly that. This is from Vanessa. And she says, Hi, Dan, James and Deacon Senior. Oh, nice. I'm often thinking of dicks for the island, but your suggestion to write in with examples of when you know you're being a dick yourself

has struck a chord. Firstly, and most similar to your legend and king of science brags, that's where James refers to himself as a legend all the time, and me, after fixing my iPhone myself, I only refer to myself as the king of science for two weeks.

Legend. She says, Whenever I matched with a guy on Bumble, I would turn to whoever I was with, point to my phone and smugly say, he's only human, with a wry smile. What a dick. That's brilliant.

I love that. That's very much, that's very, very close to our own dickishness, isn't it? He's only human. That is a class act. He's only human. That's very much, that's very, very close to our own dickishness, isn't it? He's only human. That is a class. He's only human. That's very good. She goes on to say, this is, however, the lesser of my evils,

as what makes me more of a dick is my pedantic frustration of people who say pre unnecessarily before words. Unfortunately, Dan, you were guilty of this on compact dicks when you said pre-arrange pre-planning pre-worn save yourself a syllable ditch the pre what's the difference between pre-planning and planning absolutely nothing oh my god she's got me banged to rights lovely i'm gonna hold you to account in the future if i hear you preying anything yeah but then i was like well why do you why do we set them pre-plan i planned this anyway it's just it's making me go cross-eyed but i think she's got a point um

she says i know i'm being a nitpicking twat but the anger i feel when i hear pre used unnecessarily grows from minor heart palpitations to burning of rational hatred and a serious need to go calm down on a fluffy cloud and breathe in and out. I've inherited this from my dad, who gets wound up even when he reads the instruction pre heat the oven. You're just heating it. You don't pre chop vegetables. I'd hear echoing from the kitchen. So really, it's not my fault i've become such a pedantic dick i you know what i'm the same like my mum is an english teacher for years and uh so i've got loads of little things like that that annoy me so yeah so i should probably know better

but you know i stand corrected and i'm happy to take this feedback on board um she finishes off by saying my boyfriend and i love the podcast during these boring sad worrying times the worst of the feelings i'd argue you guys are really lifting everyone's spirits big cheers to you lots of love even to you dan after saying pre-arrange vanessa from north london i love that thank. God, I feel like a key worker, even though I'm about as far from it as possible. Dan's settling right back into being a dick on the podcast. Good.

Right, James, stop me digging myself into an even bigger hole. Distract us with some correspondence, please. Oh, in those moments one of my favorite things to do is just to remain silent and just let you go just how is he gonna finish this lovely lovely okay let's um ah okay i thought this might be a nice one to end with and this is sean so this is repeat correspondence from um the other day And so Sean chimes in to say, Hi, I just wanted to thank you for reading out my dicks. No problem, Sean. Thanks for sending them in.

Myself and my wife have found a version of the Soggy Socks song with the tune. I have to say we much prefer James's rendition of the song. So this was the other day. Sean sent in a song from his childhood, which some teacher got them to sing regularly in. And it was always in a high pitch. And he said that when he gets this song into his head, they'll be like cooking dinner or something. There's people ringing around in his head.

And he says, Mr. Evans would make us go higher and higher with each verse. Now, he sent me a copy of the song and i'm going to insert some here freezing fingers and that's what it's meant to sound like interesting yeah um i mean that would be a horrible thing to get stuck in your head a great choice and i'm glad that um we got the actual version so i don't have to sing my version again um i also can't remember how it goes and sean rounds off by saying happy new year james dan and john but dan this got me thinking right so off the back of this from sean we one of the best things that we that we do on desert islandics i think is people to choose their least favorite song so we get some like incredible choices and and it can be you know very like divisive and uh people pick a lot of stuff

from their childhood and i was thinking this week we could keep it fairly broad and put out to the listeners what are their least favorite songs what is the song that you need to turn off yeah and it's weird isn't it like i feel that my brain goes through phases of really jamming stuff in there like there'll be a week where nothing really gets stuck in my head and then there'll just be a week where whatever like my son's been watching in on telly just like you know from the minute i wake up to the minute i go to sleep it's like there's this cartoon he's watching on netflix and there's a little sort of really cheesy kind of awful song in that and it's really repetitive obviously because it's like there's this cartoon he's watching on netflix and there's a little sort of really cheesy

kind of awful song in that and it's really repetitive obviously it's meant for young children and that's just been fucking lodged in my head to the point where like my wife heard me whistling it as i was making dinner the other day and you know there's just no getting away from it at all and then of course you know he wants to watch it again in the evening so yeah i think there's something about getting a song stuck in your head which is like such a kind of personal torture that you don't get from any other kind of genre of uh art shall we say okay yeah so i mean that's the that's the thing that's the divisive thing about choosing your songs so um i also cannot wait to see what my dad pulls out the back with these ones.

Well, this has been wonderful, James, and listen, guys, if you want to get in touch, then please do. You can do so at dixpod.com slash contact, or you can slide into our DMs at DixPod on Twitter and Instagram, and we could feature yours next week in Compact Dix. Great. Anything else to say? Nope. Okay, bye.

Bye.