Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 17

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Yes this one's a bit longer, I'm tired and it's late. It would have been shorter but Dan surprised me with a vegetable. Just listen to the bloody thing. SUBMIT YOUR DICKS: dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's start with a song we're just a couple of happy hating bastards. We're going to read out emails from our listeners because it's compact dicks. Yes, it's compact dicks. And now we have started the podcast. That is so good.

We'll start like that. Did you just do that off the cuff? James, it would be a lot, lot sadder if I'd written that I love how you I was struggling to start and you were like let's start with a song and just went straight in I'm like a modern day battle rapper but in sort of jaunty

song that's what I'm going for just waiting for the scene to catch up with me you're like one of these just waiting for the scene to catch up with me you're like one of these sea shanty trends I've I've read that

that's a thing but I don't know what it is in which case we swiftly move on as Dan pointed out in his lovely song this is Compact Dicks

listeners you have gotten in touch and you can get in touch dickspod.com slash contact with your choices for the desert island obviously every week uh dan records a lovely episode with a just as lovely guest who make their choices but

this is your opportunity to vent on a weekly basis and dan and i will read them out back to you to listen to your choices back but read by other people yeah it's not just social media where you get to chime in on everything it's podcast now as well so here you go and uh you know we've got a bag of dicks we're going to stick our hand in pull one out and just wave it around yeah uh shall i wave it around stick it in your ears yeah wave one okay great uh dan i've got this in from alex hi alex alex said in terms of, I would hate to be stuck on a desert island with the person who bullied me at primary school. Yeah.

Fair play. Done. Right. Fuck you, bully from primary school. Done. Nigel Farage, as he is utterly despicable. I think that's a solid choice. And Gemma Collins, because her mannerisms would get on my nerves. I think a lot of things would get on my nerves about Gemma Collins, because her mannerisms would get on my nerves. I think a lot of things would get on my nerves about Gemma Collins. Alex continues with, in terms of food and drink, drink would have to be Jack Daniels. I can't even have that come near me.

I wonder what happened to him there. I think Jack Daniels is like, there's a real disconnect between the image and the taste. Do you know what I mean? It's like oh jack daniels i've got a zippo lighter and a fucking motorbike and this is not good whiskey like it's just it's not a good drink do you know what i mean like we've all seen slash drinking it and lemmy and whatever but like it's not it's not nice it doesn't taste good jack and coke jack and coke yeah fuck off it's not nice you've got you've got your Jack Daniels T-shirt on, number seven.

Yeah, boy. There's also the, you know, like, that whole thing of, like, so, you know, it's got that image of, like, rock star stuff, like, rock star attitude with it. But then, you know, you get the adverts on the underground or, like, on public transport when they're trying to tie it into this sort of like old craft it's like here in Lynchburg

Tennessee we like to do things a bit differently old Jack Daniels used to believe in taking his time that's why the brewery is operated by snails do you know what I mean

and you just stand there reading it and be like, even our accounting is partial to a bit of the old sipping whiskey. We still use the same old buckets to carry the whiskey to and fro. It may take a little longer, but sure, that's

just the way old Jack would have wanted. I mean, so we i think we mentioned briefly in the other god that was so good that was very good well in the other episode we mentioned that our friend brendan um is joined up to help us with social media and once me and brendan got talking about these posters before a night out and just couldn't stop talking about them all night. As we got worse for wear, I just kept going back into that voice. Yeah, it really got us.

Right, OK, so Jack Daniels is going to be his drink choice. Food, it would have to be pizza with pineapple on. Totally ruined. Interesting. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that. I'm not a big fan, but I don not a big fan but I don't mind it it's ok I'd choose anything else

over it though now he goes on to say my worst film would be How It Ends which is never resolved nothing massively explained it is terrible

I've never seen it and I don't know what it is I have no idea what that is I'm sorry sorry fine we move on we trust you and we're gonna say it's a shit

film yeah done the worst song would be the bass hunter jingle bells i have never heard the bass hunter jingle bells but i can imagine what it'd be like oh my god i bet it's i bet it's it's like the musical equivalent of like a really a really knock-off energy drink. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that is really good. Like a Christmas-themed cheap energy drink, but in music form. Yeah, you know, like a can of Bolt that has 29p, like, printed on the can. Yeah, exactly that, yeah.

Bass Hunter. Was there a thing about Bass Hunter where there was like a leaked sex video and he had a massive penis? Oh, I don't know. I really just specifically remember that, but I don't know why. Alex finishes off saying the biggest dick of all the animals would be dogs. The kind that come sniffing around when you're exercising, quite specific. Their owner will say he's just being friendly. He't hurt you of course they'll say that it's their dog the dog doesn't know me

um looking at our desert island dick spreadsheet dogs are second most picked animal after cats so there's a lot of hate out there and i just i'm you know i'm sure i've said this before but like they depend on us to a level where like we're picking up their shit so if humans didn't exist what was their fucking plan do you know i mean like yeah how much of the world would be covered in shit right now because it they shit it out faster than it decomposes right so what was their game plan as animals living on their own i don't know they haven't got one james because they haven't thought it through they've evolved to be sort of um so dependent haven't they it's um yeah well that was very good choices alex thank you so much thorough okay james i've got one now here i

would like to read you this is from michelle and michelle says hello love the show very much and it really brightens my day to focus my hate and she's put a little smiley face which is funny smiley face next to it the word hate but uh thank you very much for that michelle she goes on to Oh, thanks, Michelle. animal it's a bit weird and i'm not talking about ethics it's just weird imagine if someone decided to suckle a cat or a dog or even a pig drink pilk it's creamy and fresh and hammy make excellent crusty rind on your rice pudding no creamy fresh and hammy is a horrendous tagline um also i'm sure at desert island temperatures and after a few days trying to swallow down the congealed yellowing lumps will be fun oh and this boy ian mini at my lower school used to try and kiss us all with an hours old

milk mustache i think i may have associated milk related trauma issues i blame thatcher so no that's grim i like that a lot yeah i can't i can't put it any better than she's done there so um her food choice she says aubergine it used to be considered poisonous when eaten raw that's how good it tastes and it's a member of the nightshade family. You know, those ones that make people all dead and so forth as they vomit their own organs. Eaten raw, it's like chowing down on an old chamois leather imbued with pure bitter evil and that's perhaps when it's at its best.

Just preparing them to cook is a farcical performance of salting and peeling and madness that lasts for days or you just roll with it and end up with something the consistency of an old elastoplast lurking at the bottom of a murky swimming pool footbath. The plasticky, bubonic, purple swollen, stretched skin that cannot

be chewed, merely swallowed to magically reappear undigested at a later date. Clinging to the putrid innards, something the consistency of a foamy medical dressing yellowed and thick with oily ooze and the taste oil at best nope thanks by michelle 39 and two-thirds bournemouth that was really really good you know like there's there's a point at which sort of hate becomes so beautiful

that it sort of goes full circle and because you know she was talking about hate making her happy at the beginning there and i think that's such a good example of like you know she's channeled it to make something creative and beautiful spring forth and and she's made the world a better place because of it i think i like i thought it was really good. I like how the listeners quite often bookend their hatred with really nice pleasantries to us. Yeah. It's like, if I bookend this, it's kind of like, right, I'm going to say something nice, enter the hate,

right, I'm saying something nice, we're back out of hate, lovely stuff. It's the classic shit sandwich, isn't it? You know, like the managerial technique. It's like, hi like hi how you doing oh you've been doing this really well but seriously you need to fucking pull your socks up here anyway great that thing that you said you did earlier as well so see you later and go i've been a good boy wait a minute hang on aubergine you do you know what there has been an occasion where i've enjoyed an aubergine but for the most part i'd say she was right you know if you get like pickled

aubergine that's good or if you get like um aubergine in in a moussaka yeah but i would follow her argument that it does kind of just taste like the oil i think that i like it but it's very easy to not do it right and that's a lot of the time and i think if you don't give it a lot of time it's just hard and then it's not nice you know i mean so yeah i think dense spongy texture yeah like if you add it to you know sometimes you're making food and you're like i need to bolt this up a bit oh i've got that aubergine but it's too late and then you're like fucking hell this is shit do you eat it too early because you're hungry or just wait another hour i feel completely unsurprised that you you have an aubergine waiting that's unaccounted for in your fridge it's exactly what i'd expect you to have in your

fridge yeah yeah although i stopped buying them because i just never end up using them yes that's why you have the lone aubergine do you still get your box of fruit and veg that arrives oh I gave that up fucking years ago it was just too rubbish but James if you think I'm the sort of person that has aubergines you won't be surprised to find that here behind me

I have a bag of Jerusalem artichokes have you? yes me i have a bag of jerusalem artichokes yes they've gone now but it's a it's an audio medium so it doesn't matter i'll just pretend they are behind me somewhere listeners get in touch dixpod.com contact or um at dixpod on social media get in touch and let us know if you want Dan to reveal something from his vegetable drawer every week on the podcast. I, for one, want it. I know I want it. I'll tell you what I've got.

Sorry, we're not going to go into this for too long, but I actually have a fucking incredible thing to show you. Oh, show me, yeah. This is what I want more of. Okay. This is such a big vegetable. I'm going to slide it into the screen, right, because we're on Zoom. I'm going to slide it into the screen right because we're on zoom i'm going to slide into the screen and you've got to tell me when you think it's going

to stop uh now okay you said now it's filled in oh you're holding it in the middle. Dad, what the fuck is that? It's called a moony. I need to take a picture. Ah! be in the now. Access to Resi Priority Notify. Yes. 4 p.m. checkout with fine hotels and resorts booked through Amex Travel. We needed this. And dedicated card member entrances at select events.

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to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's Li-b-s-y-n-ads.com dad i've never seen that in my life it's uh it's from it's called a mooli it's from the radish family and uh it's used to make the popular asian dish cake. Oh, that's really got me. But it's fucking big, isn't it? I mean, that's like two foot long. Radish cake. Maybe you can tweet that at Desert Island Dicks or something.

Yeah, at Dick's Pod. For the listeners. Dan, that was out of sound. At Dick's Pod, isn't it? That was wrong, yeah. That was some of the best use of Zoom I've ever encountered. Well, you know, third lockdown. You know, you've got to keep it keep it

fresh probably not that great for the you know everyone that isn't just me and you who's actually listening but yeah that's true i mean maybe our joy will rub off onto them um well thank you very much michelle i really enjoyed that that was fantastic And if you are not already a writer, then you should consider taking it up as a career path. Yeah, yeah, definitely. It's at this point in the podcast, and this is the way that I always set it up, is we go to my dad, John Deacon, who is our sort of resident historian on Desert Island Dicks.

And Dan, I'd like to inform the listeners that he has gone and got himself a Twitter account. He's gone online. He's gone online. He actually had three followers, hang on. One of them is us, one of them is my mum, and the other one is Brendan that does the podcast. Well, he's off to a good start.

You know, Rome wasn't built in a day Yeah He follows Desert Island Dixbury Doesn't follow me personally But I also don't follow him It's good to keep a bit of distance With these things I think So my dad is our resident chief historian

You can now find him on Twitter At John J-O-H-N-M Deacon. Or you can probably look on Dick's pod Twitter, follow him. I'm sure he would absolutely love it. And he's gotten in touch with us. So last week on the podcast, we threw out there for listeners to get in touch with their celebrity encounters. And he's chosen some for some previous dicks.

And here they are hi james hi dan well great episode this week dan with the brilliant comedian slim and if the listeners aren't familiar with his work i strongly recommend checking him out online because he's great now last week you asked the listeners to get in touch with their stories of encounters with celebrity dicks and i've got a couple of recommendations from the archives involving Hollywood A-listers. Now, first up is comedian and TV and radio celebrity Lucy Porter's episode. Now, Lucy's story involves Academy Award-winning film star Faye Dunaway. Now, Lucy goes on to explain that when she worked in TV production

she had the job of not only booking Ms Dunaway for a new TV chat show but also had to tend to the mega divas every request and goes on to say that she was a bloody nightmare. Now my next choice is comedian writer and broadcaster john holmes's episode now john tells the story of when he had to go and interview for xfm none other than hollywood legend arnie schwarzenegger now he goes on to tell how his mate nicked arnie's head from madam two sword skip and left it on the underground and also how he was so pissed off with arnie's rudeness that when he aired the interview he made arnie sound like a chipmunk so that's a bloody hilarious so my choices for this week are comedian tv and radio celebrity lucy ports's episode

and comedian and writer and broadcaster john holmes's episodes so i hope you enjoy cheers bye so as ever some fine work there from mr john deacon he's really outdone himself some excellent choices there um the lucy porter one that is overall a very very good episode but that story um if if also if you you know if you've ever been an intern or ever been that sort of uh researcher or like the work experience person you will you will feel her pain in that situation oh my god all right in the gut and john holmes um the arnold schwarzenegger uh story is is very very good i've heard similar things like that before about him just being like just quite no nonsense and blunt as well and just that kind of that kind of thing uh thank you very

much dad for uh for those submissions excellent as ever um and so it's funny james i've met your dad several times at like you know your wedding your stag do a family like you know family functions and things yeah and we've kind of you know chatted briefly in that way it's like it's nice to meet you but there's other people here that you know better and you end up talking to whereas now i feel like we've got this like whole relationship but without speaking you know so next time i see him it's just gonna be fucking brilliant you're gonna have loads of talks oh my god he'll ignore all of our all of my family and everyone else in the room and just talk to you the entire time i imagine that'd be great and at this rate dan you're going to be invited to his 60th birthday

i'm sure of it i'm there yeah i'm absolutely there hey uh james let's talk about some dicks now for some listeners have you got one yeah so off the back of that, we asked for times that you had met celebrities, celebrity encounters, and then Dave from Bolton has got in touch, and he says, hiya, dick lads. Interesting. Dan and I. Huge fan, latecomer, but I binge listen to past episodes, and I'm bloody loving it.

Yeah, mate. Thank you very much. Thanks. This is really good this is the book ending i'm talking about the shit sandwich coming after listening to the glenn moore episode i feel i need to share my experience with dominic this is dominic cooper the actor ah yes and so glenn moore um talks about him in his episode another another very good episode, well worth a listen, as my dad usually says.

Dave says, back in the early 90s, my mum and I moved to South East London and I went to the same school as Dominic where I stole his girlfriend. I didn't steal her per se, she dumped Dominic for me,

an average looking lad from the north, and she being very, very gorgeous. Dominic would then stalk us throughout our relationship, often crying when seeing me and his ex together. I'm feeling a bit bad for him now. By the cricket nets at the end of the playing field and passing notes to me asking me to break up with her. Wow. I did break up with her wow i did break up with her but not

because of dominic it was mutual between she and i so yeah i nicked dominic cooper's girlfriend at school and he cried oh then he goes on to say food mash and bake beans together fucking horrible love the show keep going going. Keep a smiling Dave. What a rollercoaster. It was getting all poignant. I was like, oh, I don't know how to feel about this. Oh, mash and beans. Yeah, fair enough.

Food, mash and beans together. Fucking horrible. Love the show. Keep going. Keep a smiling Dave. That's so funny. Yeah, that's very good. Very good. I mean, I'm not quite sure it was the celebrity encounter

that we were looking for, but... It's like a pre-celebrity encounter. Yeah, pre-celebrity encounter. Someone who went on to be celebrity. But I also don't feel like Dominic Cooper was the dick in this situation either. I think he could have handled it with a bit more dignity, to be honest, couldn't he?

We'll take that. I think I'm into that. So now we're almost at the end of the podcast, but what we like to do is, because obviously you can get in touch about anything that we normally talk about, so people, dicks, food and drink that you hate, songs and films, or animals, but if you want to get involved and nothing really springs to mind, but you still want to have your say, I like to sort of suggest something

you can get in touch about for next week. And this week, I would like to suggest it's sort of advertising dicks. Okay, now there's a lot to go on in the advertising world. But what inspired me is like two pieces of just like really stupid tagline writing i mean i work with advertising people in my day job and i can fucking spend

hours talking about how much i hate them but this is um so yeah i've got a baby on the way so we bought a new car seat and uh know, it's a car seat for babies. And on the side of it, it's got the brand name. And then the tagline, the tagline, bring the kids. And they've trademarked that. And it's like, obviously, I'm going to bring the fucking kids. I've just bought your car seat. And it's a car seat for, like, up to six months old.

Like, I'm not going to leave it. Where am I going to leave this, Charles? And they thought that was such a good tagline. They've trademarked it. Oh, I've got it. Bring the kids. Yeah, because they will be bringing the kids. That's good.

Let's trademark that. Fucking idiots. And then we've got a travel cot, right? And the travel cot is annoying like it's annoying because firstly the company's phil and ted which so obviously like you know just stop it's not your franchise it's not your world fuck off right yeah you can't just name yourself after bill and ted and their tagline is adapt and survive like it's not fucking vietnam mate. Do you know what I mean? I'm not, like, fashioning weapons out of bamboo. I'm not fighting the predator here.

It's not, like, it's a travel cot for a child. Like, adapt and survive. Fuck off. It's like the tagline for a Bear Grylls DVD series or whatever. Yeah, and we know how our listeners feel about Bear Grylls. Yeah, it's true. Occupying, very firmly occupying the number one slot of most

person ever adapt and survive it's like my family aren't going to die if I don't buy this travel cot we're going to survive some other way obviously with fatherhood we've all got to adapt somehow I'm just about surviving

but like this travel cot adapt and survive I'm only going to buy this as a man fatherhood we've all got to adapt somehow i'm just about surviving but like oh there's travel adapt and survive it's like i'm only going to buy this as a man if you make it feel like i've got war paint on yes yeah right right that's the angle yeah you know but like anything that just annoys you in advertising and you know the people that sort of so mine is like the people that came up with those taglines this week so So anything like that or stuff that you've seen that annoys you. Yeah, it could be the Jolly Green Giant or it could be Tony the Tiger for some reason. Any advertising dicks.

Yeah, or just like the person that decided to put on all food. Great for sharing. I mean, all food is great for sharing you see it on a packet of ham it's like ideal for sharing you know i know that's what food is it's good for sharing we need it to live also it's like one of those things where it's got like um something really annoying like it'll be like a uh one of those sharing bags of crisps right and it will say and it will have the details at the bottom. It will say what the contents are, like salt and fat and stuff.

And it'll be like one seventh of the packet. And you're like, who's fucking eating one seventh of the packet and now I have to work? Do you know what I mean? Why would you do that? Yeah. Anyway.

Or rather, dicks. Yes. Okay. So send those in. Sorry, go on. Yeah, sorry. So yeah, get in touch with those at Dickspod on Twitter and Instagram or dickspod.com slash contact.

Did I get that right? Yes. Yeah, absolutely smashed it. Cool. So, bye? Yeah, bye.