Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 18

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

James and Dan sat down (in separate places), picked out a load of suggestions for dicks that you sent us, and read them out. That's the format, and we hope you enjoy it. If you'd like to send us your choice of a person or thing you'd hate to be stuck with on an island, submit your suggestion at dickspod.com/contact. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. listen it doesn't matter they're never going to find the body they're going about to build a fucking motorway over the top so just keep your calm and it's going to be fine okay now listen you're ready to record and we'll get this podcast out the way yeah yeah we'll just get it done quick hello welcome to compact dicks uh i started that like we had a normal way of starting but we always rambled you started you started that like you just buried a body down i don't know why um hey what I do in my own time is my business. Let me quickly say what this is. This is Compact Dicks.

This is the companion podcast to Desert Island Dicks. And this is where you, the listener, have your say on who and what you think is a dick. And I'm Dan, and you're James. I'm James, and Dan, that was very nice, and it's lovely to be back. Hey, it's lovely to be back, man. It's been a while. Sorry, everyone, it feels like it's been a little while since we've put anything out.

I think it's only really a couple of weeks, isn't it? It's only a couple of weeks. It's not long. It's felt like a long time in our worlds, but for the listeners, they're like, didn't you just put a podcast out last week? Yeah, it hasn't been that long. I had a had a baby well me and my wife had a baby she did most of the work obviously how is that baby he's good he's good he was supposed to arrive in march in like mid-march and he turned up six weeks early so that was a fucking giant surprise um so so you like at this stage you'd, based on when you thought the baby was going to come,

you'd still have weeks? Yeah, I thought I still had like six weeks to go. And then my wife was getting these weird pains all day, and we just thought it was one of the many weird things that happens during... This is our second child, so it's not like we're completely clueless, but it was like she started having these tummy pains. pains we thought oh they're not contractions they're probably just like one of the many aches and pains you get as a pregnant woman and then it just it just started getting worse and worse so she went into hospital and then she texted me going yeah

they say it might come now you better make your way here and it was like three in the morning i was trying to call anyone i knew who could come round and look after our other kid while I kind of went to the hospital. And then in the morning... It's unreal. We had a baby and we were like, what the fuck happened there? That is amazing.

Yeah. So have you had any... So six weeks early sounds like a lot of weeks early, right? From six weeks onwards, it's sort of like the better end of things to have a premature baby. If he had been much earlier, I mean, they can be much earlier than that. And he didn't have many problems, thankfully, but he had to stay in the hospital for a couple of weeks.

I mean, at first, it was like at first I'd go in to see him and he's just in an incubator covered in tubes. And then maybe every day there'd be like one less tube or one less wire stuck to him. Oh, Dan. But now he's at home? Now he's at home. It's fine. He's got no wires, so it's really easy to pick him up and stuff, which is good.

Oh, that's nice. That's lovely. So now it's all OK. And I'm ready to tear into some people and things that people think are dicks. I bet you can't bloody wait, Dan. I know you're chomping at the bit. All right, should we just do this? Let's just do this. This one comes from Gareth Edwards

and Gareth Edwards emails to say, hello dicksters. Hello. I'd like to nominate a dick for your desert island. This man has hugely irritated me for the past quarter century. He first came to prominence in the mid 90s and has been annoying me ever

since. Any guesses? Jamie Oliver. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey is not the comedy genius that he's hyped up to be. This is going to take some convincing. Let's see where this goes. In his early films, The Mask, Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber,

etc. is simply annoying. His idea of delivering a funny performance was simply to deliver the line whilst doing a funny voice flailing his arms about in an overly exaggerated manner and pulling several silly faces.

I found his performances annoying and excruciatingly embarrassing. I simply cannot understand how he has got the acclaim that he has. I know that in recent movies, his performance has been somewhat more subtle, but I still cannot watch him without being infuriated. I thought I could not detest this irritating man anymore,

but then in the mid-2000s, he became an anti-vaxxer, promoting pseudoscience and encouraging parents not to vaccinate their kids against deadly diseases please give him a one-way ticket to dick island many thanks gareth yeah i think i mean can you imagine being stuck on a desert island with jim carey now that is interesting because i was going to say as a a kid, like growing up, I loved his films. But actually, think about it. Yeah, it would be insane. And there's a film.

So he did a film called, fuck, was it called Man on the Moon? It was about the comedian. Yeah, Man on the Moon. And about the comedian Andy Kaufman. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And there's a documentary called Jim and Andy, which is insane. And it's about how, during the filming of that, Jim Carrey basically thought he was, like,

possessed by the ghost of Andy Kaufman, so refused to get out of character for the entire filming process and was just, like, this absolute nightmare. And they've got this footage from the film and stuff and, like, just wouldn't snap out of character and was just being this crazy, difficult, weird guy. And then there's bits where he's... It's quite intense.

Very intense. And then there's bits where they're interviewing Jim Carrey about it and he just seems like he's just mad. And I don't feel like his art is high enough to back up being that much of a pain in the arse. That's an interesting point. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you went at surface level

just seeing him in the films that he's been in I would feel like I can't put the mask Ace Ventura liar liar I couldn't put them on the desert island myself like the films I enjoyed as a child but Jim Carrey actually

being stuck with Jim Carrey would be a nightmare yeah I'm not even that into his films that I enjoyed as a child, but Jim Carrey, actually being stuck with Jim Carrey would be a nightmare. Yeah. I'm not even that into his films, so I reckon I could put him on quite easily. I don't know. Truman Show, that's okay, isn't it? Truman Show is a classic.

That's a good film. Anyway, yeah. But I think good call. Good call, Gareth. Right on. Dan, you got one? Yeah, I've got one here from Evelyn Calvert, who says,

Hello, boys. You were so kind to allow me to diss Dickwad Dolphins last time. I thought you might just humour me with another nominee. A bit closer to home for you this time. I'm a delivery driver and spend a lot of time in my integrated logistical solution, or Ford Transit, as they used to be called, listening to humorous podcasts like yours. I do

love Desert Island Dicks and Compact Dicks and I'm all for a bit of atmospheric sound to get the listener in the mood, but Compact Dicks has the distinguished honour of being the only one, as far as I'm aware, which has fucking cicada beetles chirruping in the background throughout the podcast.

I wish to nominate the twat who came up with that idea. In fact, I'd like Wow. Oh, and if he's a VW transporter driver, even better. Narcissistic, selfish dicks, most of them. Thanks, fellas. I feel so much better for that. Keep up the great work, if you can call it that. Wow, that's so cutting, but great. Do you know whose idea that was? It was my idea, or was it both of our ideas?

Do you know what happened? I'm almost certain that I just ripped that background music from somewhere. Well, I don't know. Does this mean we have to find new Desert Island Dicks background music? Let me just check, Dan. Hang on. No. Well, we'll argue about this internally anyway. I hope that you can continue listening despite the cicadas in the background.

But, you know. James, give us another dick. Oh, I'm going to hit you with the dicks. Okay, this one comes in from Craig on email. And he said, One of my desert island dicks would be a type. Parents who create Twitter profiles for their actor kids and tweet in their voice, which always comes across as disingenuous and desperate. create Twitter profiles for their actor kids and tweet in their voice,

which always comes across as disingenuous and desperate. They have turned their own child into nothing but a vessel for their own narcissistic needs with dreams of getting rich from them and incessantly tweet at their casting directors. This seems incredibly specific. Yeah, they definitely know someone who's doing this. This is one of their friends. Do you think so?

Maybe. It's just like they know it. They haven't named that person, but they know who this is. I mean, I get that. I think I've actually seen that before. I think when there's a profile for a seven-year-old kid that's been on tv and you're thinking this kid isn't tweeting i think anyone who creates any twitter or instagram a social media page for anyone that isn't themselves like you know for their kids and people go oh no but we've created an instagram page for our daughter because that

way we can put up all the pictures there we won't spam your thing but you know if you want to check in you can it's like no like no one wants to check in. They'll follow you out of politeness. No one cares that much about your kids. Like, send the pictures to your friends and family. Or your dog. Yeah. Or your cat.

Oh, my God, especially when it's a pet. Like, send the pictures to your family separately. No one's checking on your fucking Instagram page, so just leave it. No, no. Yeah, I'm so behind that. Absolutely. separately no one's checking on your fucking instagram page so just leave it no no yeah i'm so behind that absolutely but then this celebrity one is interesting to me um i've definitely seen that before i'm almost certain um on twitter and it just smacks of very odd i just think i just think why it's just completely unnecessary. I don't feel like

if the child can't do it themselves, why would they need that? Yeah, because if it's like a child actor and you want to get them part, then surely they're just going for auditions and stuff. The casting directors aren't going to be like, oh, let's check their

Twitter profile of this seven-year-old kid to see what they're up to. That seems really weird. That is weird, yeah. I'm not into that at all. Okay, a fantastic choice. With Amex Platinum, you can really be in the now. Access to Resi Priority Notify.

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Terms apply. Learn more at americanexpress.com slash with Amex. Card member entrance access not limited to Amex Platinum Card. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. And talking about parents and children, this is a part of the podcast where we check in with our regular correspondent. What are we calling my dad? He's like the resident historian for Desert Island Dicks.

And he has a few selections from the archives for you to enjoy now. Hi James, hi Dan. Well, firstly, I'd like to congratulate Dan on the unexpected arrival of your son and it's great news and I wish the little fella health and happiness. Now, although you were knee-deep in shitty nappies, you did manage to put out a great politically charged episode with comedian Rialina Dancer. That's well worth a listen.

Now, on your last episode of Compact Dicks, you asked the listeners for their advertising dicks, and I've got a tenuous link to the theme and this is a gem of an episode with comedian Ian Smith. Now Ian chose hologram advertisements that tell him what to do which he doesn't like but also his story about his school motivational speaker Kev is bloody hilarious. Now just recently I came out of the dark ages and set myself up a Twitter account but my next recommendation is comedian and podcaster Jacob Hawley's episode. Now Jacob tells a story of a drunken tweet that he put out which ended up in him getting literally hundreds of hate messages

so before you think of putting out some controversial tweets you should have a listen to this and find out what could happen to you and now that's a great episode so my recommendations for this week are a comedian in smith's episode and comedian and podcaster Jacob Hawley's episode. So I hope you enjoy. Cheers. Bye. And there you go. Thank you very much, John Deacon. He's like a sort of a genealogist going through our rich family history and picking out sort of nuggets on uh who do you think you are and uh just you know just weaving them together to to make a fine bayo tapestry of um of dicks yeah he's creating the um he's creating the mosaic of our of our history he really is he really is

some solid choices in there and you should definitely go and check those out Jacob Hawley's episode very good and since he came on the podcast I think I remember it was quite early

on and since then has gone great guns and made several podcast series of his own

with the BBC which have been a huge success so I hope him all the success in the future I don't know

what I'm saying so what you're saying is is it's thanks to us we were the springboard he needed i mean i'm not to say not to say that we were but you know yeah we were the springboard he needed yeah you're welcome um i've got one here from ben ben says hi guys love the show and hope you're well funnily enough i'd hate to be stuck on a desert island with podcast hosts. While everyone else is trying to survive, they'd spend hours and hours going on about their specialist subjects into pretend microphones that fashioned from things they'd found on the beach. Only stopping every half an hour to remind everyone that the rock over there is sponsored by Audible and the sand is brought to you by Uber Eats. Anyways, love the

podcast guys yeah i think that's a fair choice i think you know what podcast hosts obviously i am one i think the thing is with being a podcast host is as soon as you hear yourself talking about doing a podcast like you sound like a relentless bore yeah you know totally so even if you were even if the people on the island weren't sort to host a podcast, they'd still annoy you by going, well, I actually spoke to that person on my podcast, and they had a fascinating... I don't know if you heard it. It's worth going back to, because they had a fascinating insight. So, you know, we can be a fucking annoying breed, but I agree.

He also says his song and advertising dick rolled into one because we asked for people's choices of dicks from adverts and advertisements would be whatever wank

wishy-washy cover of a classic rock song they've paired with some pretentious car advert this week that's good that's really good nice breathy cover

I completely back that I mean I hate it and it's just like it started at some point or another i think we might have covered that before like as one of the christmas adverts and then everyone was like oh that's what we need to do slow that right down yeah and i feel like there's probably loads of times where clients and advertising agencies the advertising agency don't want to do that again and the client go i really like the john lewis adverts can you do one one like that and they just go yeah yeah we can it's really easy yeah

yeah sure yeah give us loads of money awful but good choices so thank you very much from that for that ben um and dan um as a little treat i'm sending you a bonus one to round off the podcast how about this yeah let's have it hang. I'm waiting for it to come through. Oh, it's come through. Okay. Aha. Amy Dix. It just says, yes, Dix.

This one comes in from Amy Dix. Yes, Dix. That's it. That's it. And that's it. That's it. So, what? They just hate Dix or they're calling us Dix?

No, her name is Dicks. Her name is Dicks, okay. Her name is Amy Dicks. I don't know why this has thrown me so much. Her name is Amy Dicks, and she's put, yes, Dicks. Yes, yes, as you've read it, my name is Dicks. And that's it? That's it, that's all I've got.

Very good, I mean, I don't know what to say about that one yeah fair enough amy dicks thanks for getting in touch you can be our um our uh our muse our muse i feel like she is my muse um hey dan so this has been uh interesting this has been a pleasure it's been nice hanging out again james and it's been so nice to speak to you. Yeah, and speaking to you listeners. And thank you again for keeping it going by sending us submissions at dixpod.com slash contact. Oh, yeah, send them in. Now, before we go, we always like to sort of suggest, obviously, you can get in touch with any dicks that you want,

people, things, food, drinks, film, songs, anything from the podcast. But if you want to get involved and you want a bit food drinks film songs anything from the podcast but um if you want to get involved and you want a bit of a suggestion something to sort of um wet your appetite and kind of give you something to work with here's a suggestion for things we're looking for for next week's podcast and we've just taken a bit of a holiday i mean we haven't both of us been working really hard but a holiday yeah so i think we're going gonna look for holiday dicks this time so like anything to do with a dick on holiday oh this is good and the one i want to nominate is a guy i saw with my wife

on holiday in italy once i think it was on our honeymoon and i i often think of him he was we were walking through this lovely square in Tuscany and there were these two segways parked up and one of them was a normal segway and one was like a Ferrari branded segway so like around the wheels like the sort of chassis bit around the wheels you know it's like a sort of plastic covering around it around the base of it oh. And that was like bright red with Ferrari logos on and like a sort of weird grab handle thing on it. And I was like, that's weird. Like a Ferrari making Segways now. Or someone just branded that up.

And then while we were sitting there having a drink, we saw the two guys come back for their Segways and the one who owned the Ferrari Segway had like a Ferrari bandana on and a Ferrari top and like you know like a Segway you just stand on it and move don't you yeah but this guy had some like really weird way of getting it started where he had to like run alongside and jump on with a flourish and it was like what are you doing you're on a fucking Segway what is the point in this I know you're in Italy and Ferraris come from here but that's not a Ferrari what are you doing you weird Ferrari segue guy

that's so weird but you know me people like that who you had nothing to do with on holiday but you just can't stop thinking about them ever but you know if someone pissed you off in an airport or on a flight or you know if there's a general type of dicks

just let us know it's at this time of the year that you start thinking about booking your holidays thinking about going away

and at a time we can't let us know let us know the things that have pissed you off on a holiday

yeah and maybe it'll make us feel better about the fact that we can't go on holiday yeah

you know we'll just go our holidays are full of dicks anyway might as well just stay at home Dan this has been

lots of fun I've had a lovely time. Bye. Bye.