Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 19

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

Back once again for the renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. Back once again for the renegade master, D4 damager, with the ill behaviour.(4X) That's right, we back baby. Holiday Dicks other stuff etc. Download that shit. Submit your dicks dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes each detail. um we're just going to start it without any sort of clever way hey it's compact dicks i'm dan oh yeah we are i'm james and uh it's compact dicks it's the spin-off to desert island dicks desert island dicks of course we get a guest to tell us all about the worst people and things they could be stuck on a desert island with and compact dicks is where you the listener tell us all about your choices. You get involved because it's 2021 and you have your say. The floor is yours, but still ours because you're coming through us. We're the conduit, if you like. I'm floundering.

No, this is good. This is really good. I thought you were doing your thing. You were doing your thing. I was, but I ran out of steam. I ran out of steam i ran out of steam um james are you okay oh i'm absolutely fine you know just working twerking good well uh we're firing on all cylinders we're doing our best hey listeners you people listening to this um

i should let them know how they can get in touch with this and tell us the people and things that they hate to be on a desert island with. You can get in touch, dixpod.com slash contact, and let us know, baby. Let us know what you would hate to be stuck with on a desert island like this next bunch of people have. Yeah, and also you can get in touch by DMing us on Twitter or Instagram at dixpod or just responding to our posts on there. And yeah, well, this one today, I think we're going mainly for social media based correspondence, aren't we?

Because what I like to do, usually we just sort of read out all kinds of submissions that, you know, people get in touch with, whether it's just things that have popped up in their head and they want to get in touch about. But we always throw out specific things at the end of the show and say, well, look, here's a specific thing we want answers with. And this week, people have just taken the ball and run with it. So it's all sort of holiday-related dicks this week. I've got some good ones, Dan. Shall I start this thang off? Throw your dicks in my um i've got some good ones down should i start this thang off throw your dicks in

my face okay um this is on twitter and films and that said not a fan of forced fun if you're entertainment in a hotel then do that i do not want to participate just let me enjoy unhealthy amounts of inclusive alcohol and food and leave me be yeah fair enough fair enough there's something about sort of hotel style entertainment it's sort of i don't know it's just like you're on holiday go out and find entertainment like the stuff that's going to be there i don't know it's it's not i don't think it's great if you're a little kid fine do you mean if you're like 10 it's like like a kid's disco at like five o'clock in the afternoon agado your parents are getting slaughtered on cheap lager and sangria and um you've made mates i remember what i used to always

do at those things though i'd make friends with another little kid and then my parents would feel obliged to like talk to their parents and i've sat i've forced my parents to sit with some really fucking dull people before man and i go back to visit my mom and dad and i'm like mom dad can i have a euro for a bouncy ball and they're like oh look at the fucking state of this that you've got stuck with for the whole evening dad will remember that very specifically if he's listening yeah yeah i'm not surprised these are the things you have to worry about with children the risks that you take when you have a child yeah i have got uh a couple here from instagram at dick's pod again um scotty says other British people abroad and sand.

Nice. That's really good. That's so true. I've even had it sometimes when I'm part of the British people. You know, you'd be on a stag do or something abroad, and then everyone starts singing on a train, and we're like, oh, no, let's not be those people. Come on, everyone, please.

Yeah, I hate it. Yeah, I mean, I've been away, and just like you're with a group of people like oh no i am them i am this person do you think other nationalities feel the same level of shame that we do i mean i can't think of other nationalities that are as bad so no i just i just think other nationalities don't have well well, apart from maybe Americans, don't have this mad superiority complex where we feel like we can just go and do whatever the fuck we want and like, yes, you should have a British pub

on your beachfront. Actually, I have seen an American getting embarrassed by another American, so that holds true. That is true, yeah. Nothing I said then was a lie. And Scotty yeah he adds also

sand which has been a popular one on Twitter and Instagram and it's kind of like it's difficult because a pebble beach is quite shit

if you go on holiday and it's just pebbles it's just rocks like it works on Brighton seafront because Brighton beach is basically like a beer garden

and so you can just go shopping and then pop meet your friends for a pint on the beach and you don't get too you don't get sandy at all because it's just rocks you get quite dusty though but if on holiday you want sand but it is also really annoying so yeah you go to thailand and there's people who give you massages on the beach and you go oh this is a good idea yeah here

you go here's a few quid i'll have a massage and they're just like rubbing sand into your back this is so much better in my head yeah it's just like grinding away and it's like really strong fingers this um dan i've got an interesting one here from twitter that i've just read and it's from dace rink and um i've read this name many times. Dace Rink regularly interacts with us on Twitter, but I've never actually said it aloud. So if that's wrong, then... So Dace Rink said, oh, this is going to be interesting. Bring it on.

And then added in a bunch of friends, right? Thinking, I guess thinking like, come on, guys, this is the entryway to like, you let loose here say some mad shit about people and things that you hate on the beach and then one person replies at stimmo replies and says boring for me never met anyone that bad just made friends for life oh and then days goes back and says oh well that's nice it's a great podcast oh well i'm glad they've made friends for life i heard ian wright talking on a podcast or something once and he was talking and everyone was complaining about people they meet on holiday

and ian wright was just going on about how he meets such nice people on holiday every time he goes away and it was like i don't think he realizes that he's ian wright sometimes of course you meet loads of nice people because you're ian wright and everyone really likes you he goes yeah everyone was always really nice to me when i got on holiday yeah oh that's lovely that is just lovely what a lovely moment for the podcast we need that occasionally right let's get back into slaying some dicks what have you got yeah um this is from lme and uh they say dirty showers in decent hostels and in brackets just want to see a mountain which i don't know if they're related i mean dirty showers in a decent hostel is obviously annoying a dirty shower anywhere is annoying i just want to see a mountain i guess maybe they stayed in a nice

hostel somewhere where they're about to see a mountain but the dirty shower kind of put a dampener on things i don't know yeah interesting all right yeah fine i think fine yeah uh one from furry phoenix no sorry fury phoenix which is a different kind of Phoenix altogether. The Ryanair fake clapping noise when you land on time. Nobody wants to clap, please no. Yes, definitely. That's good. I've only heard that a couple of times.

Oh, no, the Ryanair fake clapping noise. Yes, you're right. You're right, yeah. Yeah, I've heard that before. I went on a Ryanair flight once, and I think they've changed it now, but they must have saved loads of money on packaging by doing this. But when you ordered a drink, like a gin and tonic or whatever,

they served the spirits, instead of in little bottles, they came in sachets. So it was like a big sachet of gin that you had to try and open without spilling all over yourself and then tip into a glass and it was like they were really selling scratch cards and there was adverts

being played, it was like, I don't know if it's slightly better nowadays but it sucked, I mean no one's been on a flight for like 18 months or something by this point I'd love a sachet of booze right now I have got one here from twitter that is um graham hamster flash regular correspondent and statistician for the desert

island dicks and dicks pod um and compact dicks podcast and he says as a brown man who doesn't really like shaving airport security is a bane i get searched all the time even after i take all the metal stuff off me fucking hell man yeah what the fuck people are he says as well he says it's even worse when the person searching you is the same skin color as yourself i'm like bro are you not this? I am a lapsed Catholic, but I do wear a crucifix to show people I'm Christian. What a weird world we're living in. Holy moly.

Wow. I'm sorry about that, Paul. And Mamster Flash goes on to say, but to keep it light and on the topic of holidays, I hate sand in my swimming trunks and flip-flops. Yeah, there you go. Sand is, maybe, the biggest dick of them all, is what we're learning here, for holiday-wise.

There's one here from Lucy who says, the man who I was sat next to on a plane to Barcelona who, within three minutes of sitting down, asked me what I thought about Brexit approximately four days after the vote had happened, then proceeded to tell me about his divorce oh my god that is that is brutal that is awful at sierra i discovered top workout gear at incredible prices which might lead to another discovery your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at

unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. And it's at this point in the podcast, Dan, that we get correspondence from Desire and Dick's resident historian, my dad, Mr. John Deacon. Should we hear what he's got to say? I would love to hear some wise words from Deacon Senior. Hi, James. Hi, Dan.

Well, great episode this week, Dan, with comedian Russell Hicks. Now, that's a name that I'm not familiar with. I'll be sure to check him out in the future because he sounded great. Following on from last week's compact dicks, you asked the listeners for their holiday dicks. So I've got a couple of recommendations on the theme also my choices for this week have tenuous links to one another now my first choice is taylor glenn hannah george and katie wilkins aka drunk women solving crime

episode now hannah chose annoying people who call holidays holly bobs and i quite agree it's bloody annoying and i particularly liked katie's story about her being ignored by louis ferroux whilst at the party and now taylor she chose actress gwyneth paltrow now my next choice is comedian nicola wren. Now Nicola told a great story that while she was on holiday in Spain she was ambushed by someone playing a ukulele on top of a mountain so that's very funny. My tenuous link to this week's other recommendation is that Nicola is the sister of none other than Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, who was famously married to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Nicola talks about this in her episode, and she also goes on to talk about an Edinburgh show that she put on that dealt with what happens when a sibling becomes famous. Now, that's very interesting, well worth a listen. So my recommendations for this week are the Drunk Women Solving Crime episode and comedian Nicola Wren's episode. So hope you enjoy. Cheers, bye. Well thank you very much for that John Deacon and you know what he actually has the effect of making me want to go back and listen to old episodes such as his persuasive nature and

dedication to the cause so thank you very much for that john yeah thanks dad hey thanks pops um this one is from he mix i'm reading all these out from instagram and i'm just going on their handles i haven't like looked up their proper names. Apologies, everyone. But due to the way that I'm looking at it, it's just easier this way. P-Mex says, families with matching holiday T-shirts or even worse, couples with them. Generally honeymooners. Nice.

That is horrendous. That's really good stuff. That is lovely. Because they've had a discussion about it like they've decided it's not just like one guy's wacky idea they've all bought into it and what's it like what

so in case you get split up you can find each other easily like what's the fucking it's weird this is from Tom and he says Spice Boy is wearing those little Eastpac bags

can fuck right off I don't know what a Spice Boy is wearing those little Eastpac bags can fuck right off. I don't know what a Spice Boy is, but I already agree with him. Spice Boy is like in that, you know, in the sea shanty meme, where they like those four guys that stood there outside and they've got like really tight trousers on, but jacked up and little boat shoes with no socks. And like maybe they're really ripped and have sleeve tattoos. But then they've got like a really tight shirt okay okay i haven't seen they've maybe they've maybe had their eyebrows

done i know there is a sea shanty meme but i haven't seen it but the rest of the description is perfect so i know what those are thank you why are they called spice boys they've just always been called spice boys i first heard someone call them Spice Boys. It must have been the late noughties and it's just stuck. Shit. So I really should know what they are by now. Definitely. Like, yeah, maybe 2006, 7, 8, something like that. Seriously?

Spice Boy. Like out on a night. Maybe you just want to go to the nightclubs, man. You weren't in those nightclubs I've seen this type you know and it's like they look like they're wearing leggings but I didn't know that it was a thing anyway maybe it's called something

different in Leicester I haven't lived in Leicester since the year 2000 I was 18 I left it's been 20 years 21 years

two decades ago it's with my idiot brain trying to put it together oh god erm hey but that's it Dan take that with you

into your life from here on in I will do yeah erm finally this is from Jasmine and she says the hot

dog leg instagram posts on the beach nice that is that's good they can fuck right up yeah they can fuck off and this has been good this has been really fun i've had a lot of fun with this james and uh thank you listeners because it's been a particularly uh strong one people have replied a lot i think it's partly to do with our friend Brendan doing social media for us and actually putting good posts up that people can respond to. Yeah, that's why they've all come from social media. I do have one email. Shall I read it to you?

Yeah. And Dylan says, My dick this week is actually a person from my old high school. And he loved Putin and Kim Jong-un. And he is a conspiracy theorist. He would just keep blabbering on about how he would love to live in Russia and North Korea. That's pretty, that is genuine. Yeah, that genuinely is, person is genuinely a dick. But the funny thing for me in this, the best thing part of this email for me is Dan, how do you spell Kim Jong Un?

K-I-M-J-O-N-G-U-N. Dylan has spelled it Kim John Un, like John, like my dad's name. It just changes Kim Jong-un for me entirely, and that is my favourite part about this email. Maybe I should say it's like a British pen friend, Kim John-un. Yeah, nice. I'm into it. Hey, thanks, Dylan. Yeah, thank you, Dylan.

James, before we go, shall we suggest a topic for next week's Compact Dicks for people to get in touch with? Yeah, let's do that. Okay, so this week I'm looking for a dick that ruins something that would otherwise be really good. So it's like the one bad apple that lets the side down. And this is inspired by my my my eldest son i could say

that now because i've got two of them um he's you know he's almost four so you know he likes dinosaurs fair enough and um on netflix we started watching walking with dinosaurs because you know it's good it's informative it's interesting we can both enjoy it. I never watched it the first time round. So there's two types of walking with dinosaurs. There's the first one, which is like a sort of documentary. And it's just like, imagine Attenborough talking about dinosaurs. But then there's another one that's got like a presenter who's like a sort of pretend...

He's obviously an actor, but he's like a pretend kind of wildlife expert and he hosts the whole thing so they'll be doing the thing about sea monsters and like sea dinosaurs and he's hosting the whole thing like he's gone back in time but we have to believe it and he's like right so i'm here on the jurassic coastline of south africa and uh we're gonna look in the sea i've got this thing as bait and we're gonna lure some of these dinosaurs right but they've skewed it so far to this guy so that they'll be on a boat and he'll be spending 10 minutes of the program explaining how they're gonna put this like camera over the side of the boat and maybe they'll get some footage of this dinosaur and you're like but it's all it's all CG. I know you're going to see the dinosaur

because it's a fucking made-up program. And then in one bit, they put a camera over the side of the boat to get footage of this dinosaur, and they don't even show you the footage. They show you a picture of him watching the video on the boat. So you don't even get to see it properly.

And you're like, why am I looking at this man so much when you could show me everything about the dinosaurs why it's such a weird decision it's quite an old program now but it's like and and and i've got this like pathological hatred for this guy now because i'm like stop talking about how you're gonna try and film or like oh i'm gonna use this rod to like tag the dinosaur as it goes past and then we'll be able to follow it using this tracking beacon you know it's not real we know it's not real just there was a better way to have done that and they really fucked that up yeah anyway so um it's you know something that would otherwise be brilliant if it wasn't for this one detail the detail is the dick and uh we want

to we want to hear from you about the similar thing so uh get in touch dixpod.com contact or find us on twitter and instagram at dixpod the dick is in the detail dan that's i've not heard anything better on this podcast before maybe we should quit while we're ahead yeah hey hey but maybe we should do this again next week this has been nice yeah absolutely i will be there james and i hope you will be too because otherwise it's me on my own and that will make not for good listening i will be there dan and in the meantime, bye. Bye.