Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 2

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

No one hated it enough to tell us to stop and so here we are with episode 2 of Compact Dicks. You've gotten in contact in your droves with your choices for the desert island and Dan and James love to see them. Send your choices in to dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N- ads.com do you know what's great is this week we're both up for it. We're both so up for it. What am I drinking? I'm drinking My Eternal Sadness.

What are you drinking, Dan? I'm drinking the tears of rejected X Factor contestants. Oh, this is really great. Because there's a lot of them. Yeah, the cup that overflows constantly um so look we're back on the island and we're here this is compact dicks obviously and this is where we go through some of your choices and suggestions um we we've been overwhelmed with uh with responses which i don't know how we're going to fit all of eight of them into 15 minutes dan

but um it's i thank you all who got in touch for getting in touch do you know what dan i did i did something actually i was interested to see who was getting in touch so i was like wow people are actually listening to this and i thought i didn't expect that at all so i did something that i've never done before which was you can look at where people are uh where are they podcast and they're everywhere and so i thought each week i could shout out some a place that is listening to the podcast in abundance right so i was just like right uk fine loads from london to be expected loads from bristol birmingham right ireland dublin you go to the united states of america and you see places on there like los angeles washington orlando all places i've heard of new york

but our number one listenership from the us of A is Manassas, Virginia. Holy crap. Hello, Manassas. That's what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, hello, Manassas. Thank you for listening. I don't know where, like, you're obviously in Virginia. I've never heard of you before.

But I love you. Yeah. And thank you for listening to the podcast. I love you, too um get out there and vote get out there and vote manassas do the right thing i am i hope i'm saying it right because that'd be really fucking annoying for them it's actually monasus great well thank you manassas so dan we've been sent some lovely dicks from people should we read some out let's get stuck into some dicks um right so last week um i talked about um people who turn up and play music unannounced i mean well

unwelcome musicians who just sort of turn up and play um so this is from sam dunstall he says great shout on musicians who just turn up and play they give the rest of us a bad name i would like to nominate giles brandreth always thought he was a dick on tv then i met him and confirmed it total dick whoa and he goes on to say also michael fucking portillo it's just michael fucking portillo yeah there you go straight to the point no reasoning i almost like that i mean i feel like it's our job to to pry and sort of you know question and and uh elaborate on the on the dicks but i just quite like i think just like the absolute certainty of his statement there i love that yeah well thank you who was that dan who sent that in that was sam dunstall so thank you sam sam thank you so much for sending

that in hang on let's have a little look i've got one right here lady m has sent this in and it says my dick's just follows now lady m thank you so much for sending she has obviously thought about this she's into the podcast and she sent us a full list and i'd like to think at some point or another we'd be able to divulge all of the choices with the listeners but being a compact dicks i've skimmed the top of this but there's some really good stuff so number one bad drivers great who doesn't hate bad drivers second one snowflakes people who are offended by everything okay i'll take that but the third choice is the one that really i really liked and that was jared leto and i was like this is some good stuff i'm not sure if jared letter i'm sure someone else

can fill us in i'm not sure if he's been chosen before i can't remember but um she said i cannot forgive him for his diabolical portrayal of the joker in the suicide squad he portrayed all aspects of the character and then add to add to the icing to the cake allegedly tried to stop the joker movie being made with Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah. I've got one from Carly here. She's gone any Instagram model. Imagine being stuck on an island and they can't take a photo,

get their lips done or post on Instagram. They would have a meltdown that I can't be arsed with. They'd be useless at helping out with any of the manual labour. No from me. Oh, it's a no. I think that's very fair i mean part of me wonders if maybe if you strip all that away from an instagram model maybe then that sort of re-emerge into life and find a personality oh no yeah i get it do you

know what i mean like because if you were with them and they could take a photo that's all they'd be doing all the time but i think it still maybe reveals a personality that is just very self-obsessed and wouldn't be that interesting. Yeah, sure. I don't know loads about them. I think, like, yeah. That's all I got. James, people aren't looking for you to be fair here you know you can

you don't have to know all the details you can just say you don't know it's really challenging for me is that you're drunk i'm just i'm drunk yeah that's okay man that's okay you've got a you're very busy dan listen listen to this this is my place of work, and I make the rules. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Dan. That's fair.

Dan. I've got one. Yes. Sarah has sent in this contribution for Compact Dicks, and it says, Guinness has to be the most rank drink ever invented from a distance it has a sexy mysterious allure but with this deliciously deliciously dark exterior and inviting thick creamy topping unfortunately any anticipation turned to rapid repulsion as the contents of the pint resemble little more

than the blended contents of an ashtray at kicking out time. I don't... This is difficult because I bloody love Guinness. I don't agree with that at all. Sarah, you are well off. The amount of times me and a Guinness have had a lovely time. I think it's like, you know, when you drink whiskey you're well you don't like whiskey i know this but i think sometimes there's a disconnect between what you expect like when before you get used to drinking whiskey it looks

like honey and you expect it to be really sweet and delicious and then you taste it and it's incredibly strong booze and then after a while when you get used to what whiskey is like and then you can associate it with that then it's sort of the taste what you know it tastes like and the and the appearance balances up if you see what i mean yes like when you try beer for the first time when you're seven or something yeah and you're like this isn't refreshing it's just bitter and horrible i've got one so we're gonna move on now i think to last week we asked people uh because i said summer's very much ended now um so we asked people for like summertime dicks like you know looking back on summer who are the dicks who and what are the dicks of summer um we've had a nice

one from fs komodo um i like that i think fs kom is a musician. I'm not sure if it's a he or she. So I'm just going to say FSComodo. Anyway, they're from Devon. I know they're a musician because they say, if the mood takes you, feel free to check out my music on YouTube, Comodo FS or SoundCloud, FSComodo. I'm just giving them a... They were nice in the email, so I'm giving them a shout.

Firstly, Warm Strongbow. As a stereotypical Devonian, I love a good crisp cider on a hot summer's day while tucking into a pasty. But if you're on the beach with some friends and you haven't been able to keep your cans cool, that amazing first sip turns into a Saw-esque challenge. And also, people who think you can bring alcohol to the beach without a cool bag

can go on the island and i'm really into that i like i i do you know what i'll probably be that guy but um i appreciate the the the forward thinking to bring a cool bag do you know i mean yeah i just think that's great i'm big into cool bags oh yeah i can see in your background now you've got ice packs i've got ice packs yeah ready to go for a cool bag at any time yeah man oh actually then they won't be ready because they're not in the freezer they're not in the freezer i had to make room for some some actual food in the freezer they also choose any ice cream van jingle as the song and we were talking about this last week weren't we so that's bloody And finally, the animal they choose has to be a seagull, purely because I was shat on twice in one day on a school trip to the Barbican in Plymouth.

I'd just started seeing a girl in my class, and this made sure the relationship didn't last long. Fuck. Seagulls are nasty bastards. I went to Cornwall the other week, and we were fishing for crabs, you know, with my son, having a lovely time. seagull came up and stole all the bait

oh for fuck's sake seagull and having lived in Brighton for 8 years as well they are just huge flying thugs they're complete twats you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. You've got one more summer dick?

Oh yeah, I've got a summer dick for you right now. I'm going to get it right out hang on uh okay this is a really good one and there's a lot of detail here so i'll do it here we go sorry i've got another one hang on yeah and there's a lot of detail this is good hang on while many animals are disgusting or dangerous it is the wasp that truly embodies dickishness one time when i was walking down sorry one time when i was walking in some woods with my family i decided to go off road of it and explore i stood in a wasp nest that they had carelessly built into the ground what the fuck i never heard that in my life a swarm came out and stung me fair enough and also my innocent bystander dog

my mum advised me to stay as still as possible but i didn't like that advice i ran to the car followed by a trail of angry wasps like in the cartoon my dog's face was a mess covered in bulbous swellings he looked like a mutant from a b-movie sorry he looked like a mutant from a b-movie but because he was a daft dog he was still happy well that's nice joe goes on to say i'm sure you'll agree that wasps are the rudest and most antisocial of all animals he says all the best guys love the podcast don't doubt the vow for griping about dicks it's cathartic for all of us by the way i think piers morgan should be the equivalent of the bible on desert island discs i quite like that i everyone gets him as a bonus even if they don't want him all the best joe yeah well thank you joe i need to consult with uh grand mampster, Paul Manfully, who made us our spreadsheet,

because I think Bear Grylls might have overtaken Piers Morgan as chief dick. Only he will know. It's quite interesting. I need to do some collating. Look, we've got another summer dick. This one is from Pablo, and this one I just think is absolutely fucking perfect

for a summer dick. They say, the men who decide to take their top off and wander about the town with their nips out, usually only just one degree hotter than an average mild day, and off it comes. Extra dick points if they're excessively under or overweight, as it just adds to the,

why are you doing this factor? Double dick points if they're also carrying an open can of lager or cider oh my that is just this is chef's kiss yeah i'd tell you gorgeous stuff i think okay i've thought about this so many times right number one it doesn't matter how hot you are like you know women don't get to take their tops off no one wins with this thing, right? So if you're excessively under or overweight, as he says, you've got your top off, it's not pleasant. But if you've got an incredible body and you take your top off,

you also look like a complete bellend because it's like, well, it's not that hot, mate. Obviously, you know that you've got a great body, so stop walking around. Do you know what I mean? It just doesn't work in our culture. Maybe on Miami Beach or something, but like in Leicester. How are they going to maximise the tan from May to October, baby?

They need to get that body out non-stop. I love it. At the first sight of sun, you know, you might see them draped in an England flag, ready to go. But you know what? Like, obviously, if you're just, if they're, you know, if you're on your own in a park, you know, lying down, fair enough. But when you're walking through a city centre...

No, unnecessary. Not acceptable. No, not acceptable at all. Thank you for everyone that has sent those dicks in. I feel like they're really solid dicks. And thank you all for sending them. And if you want to send more, send them to dickspod.com contact dan what's going on next week okay well this week i have been thinking of uh who we can ask what kind of dicks we can ask for next week

so but what's inspired me is um i finally got around to updating my iphone with the latest update which is always like you know you see the thing going oh there's an update ready and you know you have to turn your phone off for 45 minutes while it slowly installs and whatever i finally did it i've got the new update haven't really noticed that much difference but you know like it's it's just like tiny little differences that no one asked for and took a lot of people a lot of time so it's like oh the icon has changed for itunes or like oh now when i set an alarm it's slightly more fiddly to change the time on my alarm you know and like the thing that annoys me about this is like it wasn't i know that there

must be like 400 people sat on beanbags like before they hit the climbing wall in the evening working for six months to decide all these pointless fucking changes that nobody asked for. Just so that. But if I don't install them, my phone will start running more slowly and shit, you know, in a crappier way. So I have to do it. And then I'm like, what? You change the color of a fucking icon like is that what you've done and so um basically just steve jobs and his legacy are my dick yes because i like and i know people have covered it bill burr did a fantastic takedown of steve

jobs but it's like the whole thing of like you know my work laptop is a mac but it's not got the same charger as my home laptop and like they made the cable really small just so that like now when i'm working from home i have to work in a really uncomfortable position when it needs to be plugged in because it runs out of battery in 20 fucking minutes just like everything about apple pisses me off it's like they look really not but there's so many things that are annoying we've made we've made the laptop smaller but now it has no usb ports that everyone uses it all the time yeah or like now i need another attachment for my phone so i can get my headphones plugged in blah blah blah and like it's just so annoying like oh do you want to know another thing me and my brothers it was my mum's birthday uh recently over the

summer it was over it was back in june in fact but like for her birthday we got her an apple watch because it's got a function she lives on her own it's got this function where like if you fall over it could call your emergency contacts and the emergency services automatically so like yeah so a really good feature to get my elderly mum. Brilliant. But I ordered the wrong size strap for her. Yeah. So I had to order another one. I called up Apple. I'm like, look, can you like, can you swap the strap?

And they were like, yeah, the only thing is, though, we can't swap the strap on its own. You need to send the whole watch back with the strap. And then we'll send another watch out with the new strap. And I'm like, I've got to set this watch up for her before I go back to London, or she won't be able to do it because she's old and she won't deal with it. And I was like, what can you do? And they're like, yeah, the only thing you're going to be able to do

is buy a new strap. One watch strap. Guess how much it costs? I'll put you out of your misery. 150 quid. What the fuck? You're the size of a small fucking country in terms of your your turnover send me a new watch strap and let me return the one i've got

so apple can get fucked so what i'm pitching for is uh next week we want technology dicks yes i like this a lot technology so it's like you know any piece of you know software or gadgets or like anything broadly under that umbrella technology dicks or anyone that's made you feel inadequate because of technology take the ball and run with it whatever you want to do but i want you to make this your own yeah because i'm fed up yes dan this is fucking good i haven't got the address in front of me i'm gonna tell you it right now it's dixpod.com contact just go to the website on there there's only two options contact us and listen to the podcast contact us and then go and

listen to the podcast we've had some very good episodes recently dan's been smashing out of the park dom jolly has been on that was fucking good marcus briggstock also fucking good mo omar but we've got lots more coming up we've got loads coming up and we're just going to be doing more so thank you for listening to this episode of compact dicks we'll be back on monday uh with an episode featuring i believe joanne mcnally very funny comedian joanne mcnally So she'll be coming along on Monday. And until then... Bye!