Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 20

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

HOLY MOLY. We've done 20 of these and you're still emailing in. I'm as surprised as you are. James' audio sounds shit! BYE dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. I think the way to start this is by saying we've already recorded this podcast. Yeah, we've already done recorded this damn thing. And so for you, dear listener, we'd like to painstakingly re-record it. And if you're thinking that, you know, they've recorded this all once, so this time it's going to be even smoother or funnier, you'd be wrong. You would be completely wrong because we have little to no energy between us.

We recorded it last week and it's taken us this long to re-record it. So here you go. But look, look, hey, listen, I feel like we're putting barriers between us and the listeners. I'm bringing it back. Okay, this is Compact Dicks. Welcome. Compact Dicks, the spin-off sister podcast of Desert Island Dicks, between us and the listener let's i'm bringing it back okay this is compact dicks welcome compact dicks the spin-off uh sister podcast of desert island dicks which of course is where you know people pick the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with compact dicks is where

you the listener have your say and we're going to talk all about it now yeah that's great. Okay, so I think, Dan, when we did this before, we started with comments on Twitter, right? Well, yeah, so the other week, last time we did this, what we did was we said to people, we set like a theme. The theme was the one bad thing that spoils something that would otherwise be good. Hmm, nice. So, you know, like... The fly in the ointment.

Yeah, so my example was um me and my son like watching walking with dinosaurs but there's one series where there's a guy in it who's like a sort of naturalist kind of presenter type and he's explaining about the dinosaurs but instead of just showing us the animated dinosaurs he spends loads of time trying to pretend he's actually there going right so uh off the coast in the jurassic period now we're gonna go and search for this dinosaur it's the king of the deep and i'm gonna use this camera and i'm gonna attach it to this thing and i'm gonna drop it over the side of the boat and hopefully we'll be able to swim with this dinosaur and you're like i know you're going to be able to swim with the fucking dinosaur because it's not real and it's cgi so stop showing me all your workings out and

just show me a fucking dinosaur why are you even here just jump in the fucking water with the dinosaur like it's so unnecessary yeah they spend more time showing you the setting up than the actual dinosaurs so it's that's the thing that ruins an otherwise good thing okay this is good this is great and so we had a lot of people get in touch via dick's pod on instagram and twitter to talk about this and i'm going to start with one from stacy and stacy says greg wallace ruins master chef for me i cannot bear how he rushes the contestants and bellows at them to hurry up infuriates me i have to mute him and he used to live in my parents cul-de-sac in sea salter he often cut the corner turning into the estate of course he did of course he did oh i'm out my way let me get in the cul-de-sac

what you're telling me this is a bloody corner yeah i think um i heartily agree yeah i i mean that made me chuckle even though we read this last week i can't stand greg wallace and i love master chef and it's so problematic at least in the professional version they kind of bin him off halfway through and he doesn't have that much to do with it but it's still like what dirt have you got on the bbc that you're on so many programs because all you do is turn up and just pull funny faces and just say stupid oh yeah you have a bit of that it's lovely sweet boozy feeling coming through it and you hit with that whack of lemon oh yeah i'd eat that and then he just pulls loads of stupid faces and it's like, just go away forever, please.

I've got a couple of Instagram here. This is from Claire. She says, there is one of these at every supermarket you go to in Glasgow at the moment. When you go in for a food shop, you can bet your last quid there will be that one couple

that have their mask down under their nose and mouth, not keeping their distance leaning over people and stopping in the middle of the aisles to chat to barbara and davey from up the street about how they're sick of the covid and um they think masks are nonsense and love gossiping about their neighbors nice yeah i see that yeah yeah we're all doing our bit we're all trying to do our bit but you guys't, spoiling it for everyone else. Yeah, you bastards. Yeah.

Do you have any more from Twitter? Yeah, I've got some from Twitter. Dace Wink said, A bad neighbour, you say? Branston F, yours would win hands down. So Branston on Twitter says, Good grief, where to start? Today I have located a rancid smell next next to our fence peered over to find a bag

for life full of dog excrement and i do mean full the whole bag they must have been filling it since they moved in that is unbelievable like what what what's your end game with that like what you know you're cleaning up after your dog but then putting it in one bag and then keeping it. What are you going to do with that bag? Unless it's part of some revenge plot. They're going to dump a whole bag for life full of dog shit on someone's car or something. Wow, I didn't even think of that. That's a mad twist in this whole

thing i like i mean that's the only likely explanation or they're just insane and disgusting why would you keep that pile of dog shit i think probably they're insane and disgusting yeah have you got any more from instagram yeah lisa says bad accents in a film or program irritates me i love peaky blinders but the so-called brummy accents in it are borderline offensive i can say that because i'm from the west midlands nice yeah i just think there's so many like stages of auditioning and planning for something like that and then to just get it wrong just you know just hire someone who can do the accent it's just so much effort goes in and like just to fall at the final hurdle is a shame yeah and i have this one from lovely brendan who um is our social media

guru and he um has said john deacon not your dad john deacon who features on this podcast but john deacon from Queen Queen equals Freddie greatest frontman ever Brian brilliant guitarist iconic hair Roger singing drummer ladies man John stood there in his high-waisted jeans and Brendan has posted this great picture of John Deacon from Queen stood next to a very cool looking Brian May may and freddie mercury just kind of stood there in his kind of loungewear and his jeans pulled up right so you can see his mammal toe at the front looking extremely uncool oh man horrendous yeah john deacon not your dad um it's just so you're in one of the biggest rock bands of all time like just pretend to look like you're

enjoying it like i know it's the 80s and people wore smaller shorts back then but it's like you're in one of the biggest rock bands of all time. Just pretend to look like you're enjoying it. I know it was the 80s and people wore smaller shorts back then, but it's like Freddie Mercury's looking incredible, Brian May doing his thing, and then you've got him standing there with his base halfway up to his tits. He's got his legs so close together, it looks like he's trying to hold onto a coin between his thighs.

And he just doesn't... It looks like he's like trying to hold on to a coin between his thighs and like and he just doesn't it looks like he's been drafted in he looks like he's someone's brother-in-law that they've just gone oh well uh john can play bass you know it's like look at your surroundings you're at live aid just try and have a better time someone's brother-in-law is amazing i love that that's perfect description of john deacon from queen not my dad but james speaking of john deacon your dad is there have we got anything from him this week are we gonna hear from him dan what a segue that is lovely that really is lovely stuff uh yeah we've got something from him and i'm gonna play it to you now hi james hi dan well great episode this week dan with michelin starred chef tom brown and i particularly liked his uh reasoning behind his hatred of trip advisor uh that's well worth a listen um now what a week with harry and megan's interview with oprah winfrey blowing the lid right off the Royal Family. Also, our favourite Dick, Pierce Morgan,

showing his true colours by throwing his toys out of his pram and storming off of ITV's This Morning programme. Now, talking of Morgan, I'm going to throw a curveball this week and recommend several episodes featuring said Dick. Now, these are Ayesha Hazarika, Davina De Campo, Kai Curd, Eleanor Tiernan and my favorite Morgan Basher and an episode I've recommended in the past and that is Natasha Devon MBE's episode so they're all well worth a listen now getting back to last week's compact dicks you asked the listeners

what dicks turned out to be a real disappointment and my choice on the theme is comedian sophie hagen's episode who goes on to tell that how when she was a young girl she was obsessed with westlife's brian mcfadden but when she finally got to meet him what a disappointment he turned out to be, a great story so my choices for this week are Aisha Hazarika

Davina De Campo Kai Kerd, Eleanor Tiernan and Natasha Devon MBE's Morgan Bashing episodes and comedian Sophie Hagen's episode. So I hope you enjoy. Cheers. Bye. And that was John Deacon.

That was my dad. And some of that stuff may be slightly out of date because he recorded it a few weeks ago and this is the only time we've managed to get it together. Yes, and actually, if you go to our most recent episode, recently we put out a couple of best of episodes called Top of the Cocks. And in one of those, you'll be able to hear that story from Natasha Devon about Piers Morgan. Or you can just listen to her whole episode, which is also very good, as your dad points out. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

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That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. So thank you once again, John Deacon, my favourite of all the John Deacons. Certainly better than that prick out of Queen. Nice, that's really nice. Have we had any email correspondence, James? Yeah, we've had some emails, Dan. As if I didn't...

It's 2021, that's how people get in touch you can visit dixpod.com contact on the internet and there's a little contact form on there and that comes through to us and dylan who um got in touch with us before i said i've got a drink to nominate to go on the island and it is coffee it's so bitter and makes you feel sick after drinking it and the worst part is that everyone fucking loves it and sorry for the spelling error of kim jong-un i am only 11 right so there's a lot to unpack there the spelling error is because of another an earlier email he sent about kim jong-un the other week he sent one and he's saying he's 11 years old do you think he's 11 years old i don't the way he's

written that i don't think he is but he could be but he says and the worst part about it is everyone fucking loves it i don't know if that is something that 11 year old say maybe it is nowadays i don't know but i don't know i mean yeah well you know thanks for your contribution, whether you're a grown-up or an 11-year-old. James, I've got an email here from Joseph. And it says, dear dick wizards, which I like very much. I imagine a wizard but with a dick-shaped wand. Nice. With a dick-shaped staff.

Yeah. The latest podcast has given me a proper disgusted in tunbridge wells feeling i'd like to nominate a dick category meat eaters who think that whatever vegetarians or vegans eat is any of their business whatsoever if you must know okay so before i go on this goes on this is following on from we had chef tom brown on recently and he put on as his worst food substitute meats like fake sausages and fake bacon and stuff like that joseph says if you must know the explanation of meat substitutes is simple our cuisine has been shaped by hundreds of years of using meat veg products let people eat less meat without having to completely change their eating habits that's all it's not a lie nobody is fooled

it's not like sausages are naturally occurring by chef tom brown's logic we mustn't change the shape of things so next time you want to eat a sausage eat a dick thank you sorry bye wow that is strong that is really good stuff well i think yeah i think chef tom brown was like there's so many nice things that you can eat like nice vegetables and nice vegetarian products that you don't need to sort of try and replicate and i suppose the thing is always like i you know i do eat veggie things like that now and again like veggie pies or veggie sausages and stuff now and again to eat less meat as he said but i think the thing is you have to think of it as a separate thing i think if you're trying to think of it as being an exact replacement for sausages then they are shit do you know what i

mean yeah maybe that's where tom brown was coming from as in like just eat nice vegetables don't try and make it into something that's not maybe i don't know but i sort of agree with both of you i'm firmly on the fence i think i get it i totally get it I mean, I think let people do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah. Yeah. Live and let live. Live and let live. Eat a fucking veggie sausage if you want. Who cares? Yeah. I'm too tired

to give a fuck about this shit. Alright, let's distract you. Have you got any emails to read or are we done yeah of course i've got emails i've got bloody emails coming out the yin yang hang on um i've got the i want an email here dan um it says hi dan and james gets minus points for the not being funny at the start there no um i've got an email here from will and it says hi dan and james i found your podcast recently and find it hilarious but he's redeemed himself particularly the episode with flo and joan who have i have concluded are my spirit animals following that pod in agreement

with all dicks they mentioned if that isn't a reason to go and listen i don't know what is anyway given how much fun it is to rant and how little my wife enjoys it i'm using this as an outlet great welcome aboard will it seems that you understand the format i work in recruitment which is a wash with cocks it is safe to say a particular blend of toxic masculinity and a wolf of wall street ideology reign supreme in very few industries are there so many people who talk quite as much bollocks. They all label themselves as experts, in inverted commas, demand extortionate sums of money and idolise pre-Sentism,

because apparently doing lines of coke in the office toilet at 7.30pm is classed as pulling a hard shift most sensible people who get into it get out of it within two years and anyone who is in it after 10 years is most definitely a dick themselves i'm in year 11 of this career now you'd think recruiters would be people who like people they don't they just like themselves well maybe they hate themselves either way a proper set of dicks the biggest ever dick was a recruiter who was in a recruitment firm in the same market i worked in he was very senior and a top biller in inverted commas you see what i mean his boss had kidney failure and needed a transplant.

The senior recruiter happened to be a blood match with his boss and offered up his kidney, so long as he handed over a majority stake of his business. He ended up taking the offer. What a cunt. I'll save you as long as you give me the business you've spent your life building. Wow. That is just insane. I mean, i mean that sort of thing that you

could agree to and then probably take him to court afterwards for extortion or something yeah but also that guy for even bringing it up oh fucking hell that is absolutely unbelievable a kidney and then just like give me your business. That's mad shit. I can't get over it. That's really like taking the wind out of my sails. That is crazy. Even though, let's be honest, I heard it last week when we recorded. I heard it last week, but as I was reading, I started the email and then it wasn't until about halfway through.

I was like, oh, that's this one. That's where this is going. It still has the power to knock me off my feet. Well, thank you for that email. That was superb. And I'm glad you enjoyed the podcast. Thank you very much for saying that. Yeah, that's great.

I'm sorry I was a little bit rude to you at the start. I'm thinking I'm just a bit tired. Dan, I'm losing the will to live here. What should we set people up with for next week on the podcast? I would like to set people up. Well, like I say, you can get in touch with anything like i always say so you know if you want to just nominate a random personal thing or film or song or food that you hate that's absolutely fine but if you want to you know if you want something themed then uh here's a theme

um dick lyrics lyrics that are dicks not like about dicks but just sort of lyrics where you think that's a dickish lyric that just annoys me so like i don't know what it is about there's this bob dylan song called isis and i'm not a huge bob dylan song anyway right but there's this bit in it that always uh catches me and he goes it's a song he goes um it's a line that goes i was thinking about turquoise i was thinking about gold i was thinking about diamonds and the world's biggest necklace and i'm like it's just something about like you know i don't really know what it is it's just so clunky and you just kind of think just really shoehorned in like the world's biggest necklace and it does rhyme you know he comes back and rhymes it with reckless but i'm just like but that's just so jarring

yeah just like the world's biggest necklace um and i just think also if you were thinking about all those treasures that you're after it's not really like the biggest necklace you'd want like the most impressive or the most valuable so i think he's just like just phoning in a little bit there if i'm honest uh but i'm sure you guys have better examples so give me examples of uh lyrics that you think are dicks you can email us dicks pod forward slash contact is that it i can never fucking remember on the website dickspod.com slash contact that's what you can do that's how the internet works or go dickspod on instagram and twitter that's how the internet works so thank you do that please and yeah we'll catch up with them next week yeah baby oh mama i cannot wait dan yes bye