Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 21

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

This week the podcast is PACKED with dicks. Wall to wall. Some great letters from YOU the listeners. keep sending them in because we love reading them out - dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Are we doing this? Is this the thing? Are we starting or are we going to do a proper start? I think this is it. I think we're in now. Oh, right. Oh, Christ. Oh, God. Sorry, everyone. Dan, it's nice to do this, although it has been difficult to get here.

We are on this journey now for the next 20 minutes. Yeah, this is Compact Dicks, baby. Here it is. This is where you, the listeners, have your say on who and what is a dick. You are the guest, listener. Welcome, and thanks for joining us. Yeah. Welcome aboard. You can get in touch with Compact Dicks via dickspod.com slash contact,

where you can let us know the things, people and things that you'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. And you have messaged in, in your numbers, to let us know who and what you'd hate to be stuck with. That's right. Quite literally, people have got in touch. And we're going to read out those messages now. Who's starting?

Who's going to kick this bitch off? I think that I am going to start this those messages now um who's starting who's gonna who's gonna kick this bitch off um i think that i am gonna start this one okay right so dan i've got this one that's come in it's an email and it's come in from someone who's also called dan and he doesn't mess about no pleasantries he's like he goes in and says right here are my three done he's ready he just wants to get three out of the way. Bang, bang, bang. And he says, a guy I used to work with, he was my line manager at my first proper job. He was a very strange man, loved projectors,

smelt horrendous, would stomp around really heavy-footed, and when he would lift something, he would make the most horrible noises. It was like he was trying to lift up an elephant, even the lightest things i can sympathize with this as a dad that's what i do now when i pick something up i go oh like that yeah i was listening to a podcast and two guys were saying oh what's the point at which as a man you just start groaning and grunting every time you stand up and sit down and i I was like, pretty much when you have kids, I think. I just can't stop making noises all the time.

I'm there, yeah. Just even the littlest thing off the floor, I'm like... Do you know what I've realised is? It's like half the time it's exertion just because you're tired and half the time it's to stop yourself saying, oh, God, for fuck's sake! I think you're right. I completely agree.

It's to save yourself saying what you really actually want to say. I'm going, oh, God, life. He was a boss, but he used to try and act like he was cool, claimed to be mates with Banksy, and had a picture of him with Fatboy Slim looking the other way in his office. Looking the other way. That is so clean.

As he claimed he did visuals for his sets. Oh, God. This is really good. And also Banksy. It's like an undercover cop trying to fit in, Oh, God. This is really good. And also Banksy. Going to be friends with Banksy. It's like an undercover cop trying to fit in, just going, Hey, kids, you like Fatboy Slim?

You like Banksy? Yeah. Yeah, I love all that stuff. Great times. I love it. I love this picture in his office, but Fatboy Slim's looking the other way. Oh, God. that's so good

very good also it's a good choice because like no one can follow up with Banksy to check do you know what I mean so you can just

say that he goes on to say I also oh god I also write cunt next to his name on a flight case

once and instead of giving me a bollocking he played the disappointed card like I actually I also write cunt next to his name on a flight case once. And instead of giving me a bollocking, he played the disappointed card. Like I actually gave a fuck if he was disappointed in me or not. So yeah, him. Brilliant. Thank you very much, Dan. That was superb.

Right, I've got one here. This one's from Mike. And he says, I'd like to nominate whoever decided that the vast majority of men's socks should come in packs claiming to fit size 6 to 11 feet in case you aren't familiar with feet there's quite a big difference between a size 6 and a size 11 and in case you aren't familiar with socks they aren't the most complicated of clothing items with that said i'm not entirely sure why mr sock whoever they are decided they wanted to make a sock which only fits a size 8 but sell it to essentially the entire male adult population as a one size fits all back at sock hq

you can imagine the conversations with disgruntled customers i'm really sorry sir i'd love to make you some socks that actually fit, but I'm afraid they're just so bloody complex that we've only figured out how to make them in one size. And so there we are. Small-footed people walk around with little flappy bits hanging over the end of their feet, and anyone over a size nine ends up with crushed toes

and a sock heel halfway down their foot. All I can say is, it's a good job mr sock is not in charge of trousers oh beautifully put wow really bringing them out the bag these are great it's a good point though isn't it it's stupid i'm always like because it seems to go like up to eight and then nine to the next bit and i'm eight and a half so I'm never sure whether to have one that's slightly too small or one or like be the smallest foot possible in the sock that's potentially the biggest. Both are annoying. I know exactly what you mean. Yeah.

Yeah. I sort of want to go on about it, but I also feel that he put it beautifully. And I'm aware that we could quickly turn this podcast into two dads talking about socks. So, I mean mean it was so beautifully put there mike so i'm just gonna leave it at that i think um james what have you got i've got one here dan and this one comes in from tom and tom said hello i've got two dickheads if that's okay i think yes yeah um firstly i'd hate to find myself stranded with people who set up Instagram accounts for their new homes.

The accounts have names like Our New Home in Hertfordshire or Our Wimpy Home Journey. I get that buying a new house is exciting, but the only person who cares about your new home is you. I'm not interested in what shade of biscuit you've painted your hallway or what ugly painting of a cow you've hung over the kitchen slash diner. It's crass and embarrassing. Oh, wow.

Yeah, because I just think, like, I always found this weird because there's this thing about, like, imagine if you got a new kitchen and then just emailed everyone you knew to say that and show them the pictures because that's effectively what you're doing. But you're also emailing people that you don't even really know yeah it's such a weird thing you know just have some fucking modesty if you want me to see it invite me over yeah that's

true and fucking get some beers in yeah um james this is from sean this is what sean says he says hi guardians of the dicks. I don't know if these people would make it to the island, but recently he has really annoyed me. People who drive in a closed lane and then indicate into your lane right before the closure, especially when there's plenty of signs up saying the lane is closed. Complete cocks.

There, I've vented. And he goes on to say, Dan, congratulations on the birth of your boy thank you very much and um yeah these people are annoying i i also hate it when you're sometimes i feel innocently you can accidentally be that person and i hate being that guy you know when you're like oh no i've got to merge and you think i've done it on purpose just to like yeah yes we've all been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to be that guy. But sometimes you've got to do it, man. But sometimes when you see people deliberately doing it, they are subhuman scum. OK, so, Dan, the last time that we did a compact dicks, you threw out some, we were looking for some lyric dicks, which you did that great example from uh bob dylan wasn't it yeah it's from a song called isis by bob dylan when

he goes i was thinking about rubies i was thinking about gold i was thinking about diamonds in the world's biggest necklace and and i hate it um well it's at this juncture that we throw to my father, John Deacon, where he pulls out some lyric dicks from previous Desert Island dicks. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Right, now, just to let the listeners know that I am James's dad, John Deacon, and I'm not the boring one who stands at the back of Rock Band Queen looking like he'd rather be peeling a sack of potatoes.

At the point of recording, the sun's shining, lockdown is easing, we can meet up with some friends, and I've just listened to the latest episodes of the podcast with Alexandra Haddo and Helen Bower, and all in all, they've all put a big smile on my face. In last week's episode, you asked the listeners for their music lyric dicks. I've got a couple this week, and firstly, I'd like to draw the listeners' attention to, yet again, one of my favourites, and that's Ash Riff's episode.

Now, Ash chose The Look by Roxette, and he goes into forensic detail in pulling the song apart and that's a great listen and also the episode itself is brilliant as a listen because I've obviously recommended it before. Now my other choice is Tom Holmes' episode and he chose Shaggy, It Wasn't Me and that is quite funny because he does a Shaggy take-off

and, yeah, that's well worth a listen, very funny. My next choice, with a very tenuous link to the music theme, is a Jade Adams episode. Now, the reason I chose Jade is not the fact that the lyrics were bad, but I saw her on Comic Relief doing an opera session, and I'd just like to say she was absolutely fantastic, and at that point I actually donated my money. But also I'd like to recommend her partner,

which is Rich Wilson's episode. That is a great episode as well so for this week's choices I'd like to recommend comedian Ash Frith and Tom Holmes' episode and also I'd like to recommend

comedian and opera singer Jade Adams' episode and also as a bonus her partner rich wilson's episode so uh hope you enjoy cheers bye and there we go some very interesting examples great one from jade adams uh tom holmes as well which was solid stuff and very complimentary about recent podcast dan he's very kind and i'd like to be complimentary about him as our resident um archivist of the of the podcast because you know what james if you said to me every week i'm gonna just pick a topic out of thin air and i'd like to

research the back catalog for things that fit with it i'd i'd probably have words with you i'd say i'd say who has time for that well my dad that's who yeah so thank you again mr john deacon superb cheers pups you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

And Dan, should you grant me this, off the back of that, we have some additional lyrical dicks. Would you like to hear them? That's what I want. That's why we throw it out there, please. Get those lyric dicks would you like to that's what i that's what i want that's why we throw it out there please get those lyric dicks in yeah right so this comes in from richard and richard says hi dan and james crap lyrics been waiting for this come on okay let's get the obvious one out of the way desiree life i don't want to i don't want to see a ghost. It's the thing I fear the most. I'd rather have a slice of toast.

Yeah. Oh, man. I was in a pub once and got talking. This was a couple of years ago. Got talking to a group of people who were out in the smoking area. And they're all about to go to a wedding the next day of their friend. And one of them said, oh, yeah, I'm a bit nervous because I'm doing a reading. And I said, oh, what's the reading?

And they said, it's Life by Desiree and I was like what seriously and they kind of looked at me like what do you mean I was like what even the bit when she goes I'm afraid of the dark especially when I'm in a park and I'm all alone I'm afraid that I'll see a ghost it's the thing that I fear most I'd rather have a piece

of toast and watch the evening news and they went yeah and I was like what are you going to do with the bits where she goes Life oh life do do do do and they go i'm just going to read it and i had to stop because they were just like why are you so interested in this that's unreal that is unreal terrible lyrics terrible lyrics terrible lyrics okay um he goes on to just say about that for crying out loud now while that's annoying for for me there is one song and one lyric that is the worst of the worst the cuntiest of the country snap rhythm is a dancer and the lyric is i'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer.

Yeah, yeah. What a dumb, stupid fucking cockwomble came up with that piece of raw stinking shit. It absolutely boils my piss and I fucking hate it. Anyway, rant over. Hope you're staying safe and big love to the dicks. Massive respect for the grandfather dick, John Deacon. The circle is complete bam synergy um nice that was there were some solid examples there juicy and delicious okay james this is

interesting this is from louise cooper now the last time we recorded this, we had an email from Dylan and we were talking about the way that he spelt Kim Jong-un and he got back in touch and he said, oh, excuse the way I spelt Kim Jong-un, I'm 11. And we were like... We couldn't believe it. Yeah, we thought, is that real? Is he not... I mean, is that...

Do you think he could be 11? Or is he just sort of pulling our leg? This email comes from Louise Cooper, Is he not? I mean, is that... Do you think he could be 11? Or is he just sort of pulling our leg? This email comes from Louise Cooper, who says, I am Dylan's mother. He is 11. He wants you to know he forgot to nominate Mao Zedong.

Louise Cooper. Verified by his mum. That's mad. And if she's listening as well, we've got two generations of that family listening louise hang on a minute can i check is this real oh my god there she is i can see her what you've just just googling louise cooper doesn't prove anything james no but attached to her email is the name of her website ah i'm like fucking colombo mate boom i'll put it in the chat enjoy and nice louise louise coming straight in to back him up okay fair enough well great well we're happy to have you both aboard um and dylan we're

sorry we ever doubted you and also it seems to have a particular dislike for um for totalitarian left-wing um dictators which is fair enough but you know unusual in a boy of 11 i think so at the age of 11 i think i was running around with a shitty stick. And Louise, if you are listening, apologies for all the swearing. And I hope it hasn't rubbed off on young Dylan. Yeah, but he seems like a sensible lad. So I think he knows when to use his swear words. That's what I think.

That's what I think. Right. It's almost time to end, isn't it? Because we've read out all the stuff we've got um yeah so this one comes from hector and he says been thinking about this for a while he says hey dicks been thinking about this for a while and these are my food and drink choices for the island my food would be theme park food sometimes it's okay never great it's always basic and the portions are always just a tad small i've had burgers in lego land fish and chips at harry potter in universal orlando and pizzas at alton towers to name a few no one ever goes to theme parks for the food do

they i could have picked stuff i don't like but something that's almost nice would be more disappointing than something i outright don't like i quite agree and then he says for his drink it would have to be drink that's at the wrong temperature warm beers cups of tea that have been left too long and a room temperature iced coffees that have warmed up and diluted with the ice i can't be the only one to think it tastes off when it's at the wrong temperature i think both added together would make for a thoroughly miserable island life anyway thanks for the great podcast and keep your peckers up cheers hector thanks hector hey can i just say about that theme park one i completely know where

he's getting from and as things sort of open up and and we're allowed out and allowed to do a little bit more um i would like to say that i would literally eat uh any fucking thing you put on a plate if it's somewhere that isn't my house so right now give me the all the theme park food available at any temperature but um in normal circumstance i understand exactly where he's coming from but he's right and the temperature thing i think applies to theme park food a lot as well because that's often sort of the wrong temperature a tepid hot dog but it's also like you're at a point where you're having a fun day but you're probably spending quite a lot for a lot of things and it's like if they just put a mcdonald's in or something and charge you slightly more like at a service station that'd be something but it's like own brand a lot

of the time isn't it it's like like seven quid for a burger meal that's quite shit and that's like really galling yeah um so let's should we do a food run so as things open up we're all getting excited about going and eating out but what about those disappointing meals what about like uh your theme park food or can you think of any other examples dan yeah like being on holiday like disappointing holiday meals disappointing meals on a trip or something like that you know like the time i bit into a sandwich on a school trip when i was about five and it was cottage cheese and who puts cottage cheese in a sandwich for a five-year-old

that's just weird what kind of school is this what are you trying to pull here um you know just sort of so yeah when like fun trips out and bad food and drink collide yeah yeah when you're on a plane and you look and you're like oh yeah i'd like that and you order like you know it's a seven quid sandwich that comes with a packet christmas it comes out and it's the size of a fucking packet of playing cards yeah just stuff like when you know like things that should enhance the exciting experience you're having, but just are going to turn up and take a turd on your fun day out, that kind of thing. So you can get in touch...

Oh, go on. No, I was just about to say exactly what you started saying. So you can get in touch, dixpod.com slash contact, get in touch with us via the little contact box on there. It comes through to us. Or follow us on social media at dickspod. And drop us a DM with your dicks that you don't like. And shove them right in there.

See if we care. Which we do. Please send them. We do, yeah. No, it's really useful content. Thank you. Right. Well, we'll be back soon with another podcast i can't remember who

we're gonna do but they're all good they're all good so whatever it comes out it'll this is the i'm just gonna stop talking okay bye I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm