Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 22

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

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Book your next trip today at United.com. what you gonna do with all those dicks all those dicks inside your podcast. My dicks. My lovely bendy dicks. Check them out. And I am Dan Bendy Dick Toss. This is Compact Dicks. And you are? Dan Dan, my father's favourite son. I'm Jamie Deacon of this podcast. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, we're overtired. I'm losing my voice a bit. The time is right to ramble some shit into a microphone. Prepare yourself, listeners. Baby, it's going to be good. If you're wondering what this is, if you're new to Compact Dicks, this is the, yeah, it's Compact Dicks.

It's the listener-generated version of Desert Island Dicks where you, the public, the public, get to have your say. Everyone wants to have their say, don't they? I started reading the somatic earlier that was just like, do you feel like you are part of the general public? And I was like, that is interesting. But I feel like that is the tangent that I kind of bring up at this time of night that we do not need to go on right now.

We don't have time for that. This is Compact Dicks. We've had people get in touch with us at dickspod.com slash contact and on Twitter and Instagram at dickspod, and they have just told us what they think. Last week, I'm just going to get straight into it, man. Yeah, do it. Don't fuck about. Last week, we were asking specifically for like disappointing meals uh because we were talking about uh theme parks being such disappointing places for food um especially because they're

sort of exciting places so it's a shame that the food is so disappointing um and so we wanted other examples of disappointing food um i have one this one is from our old friend instagram and it's on instagram from our old friend emzo lorenzo oh yeah she says i absolutely live for eating out can't wait to go to a restaurant and eat all of the food one of the most underwhelming meals for me is a cold salad with cold ham and a cold boiled egg yes other the other meal that is basically there is a the other meal that is absolutely rotten is coddle basically a boiled sausage i also find soup quite underwhelming as it can be nice as a starter and part of a meal in a restaurant but soup as a meal by itself with no bread for me is just quite a sad meal and she goes on to say um have you heard of brinner i also find it disappointing it's when

you have breakfast food for dinner oh no no no i'm not having a bowl of shreddies for dinner no i mean i think you can eat cereal at night if you're in any way. Yeah, if you're high, basically, is when you can eat cereal at night. Yeah. Hi, Dad. That's the only time. I spoke to someone the other day, and they were telling me that they had porridge for dinner,

and I just was overwhelmed with sadness. I just thought... That is really depressing. Something so depressing about that. Oh, man. That's just, yeah. I mean, cereal for dinner makes more sense than porridge. Even though porridge is more fulfilling and hearty.

Congee, that's rice porridge. That counts. That's all right. And you can chuck some nice flavours in there, get some mushrooms, some meat, some delicious spices. I'm into that, Dan. I'll have a jock any time. But, yeah, I suppose that's technically a breakfast thing but you know it's so savory it's okay but yeah i think that's

fair james what have you got oh i've got an email here and this email comes in from joe and joe said hi chaps once again i feel compelled to inform you what things boil my piss. I want to know. He says, on the subject of disappointing food, potential controversial choice here, I would pick your fast food chains like McDonald's or KFC, etc. The reason being, when someone suggests said fast food, it always seems like a fantastic idea, and then you receive your order. It's always better in your head than what you

actually receive hopefully that's not too controversial for you guys but as always absolutely love the podcast and you will continue to make fantastic episodes and you will and you will continue to make fantastic episodes okay is that a threat that last bit isn't written in capitals is it no but it's very threatening i'm glad he believes in us yeah someone's got to i'm um i know i'm with you on this uh i think like most of those i mean occasionally i have them but uh i'm very i remember after your live episode of uh desert island dicks when we had tom allen at christmas um yeah ages ago uh i was like i'd had a few drinks not many but i had a few and i was like you know what fuck it i'm gonna treat myself i'm gonna have a mcdonald's i never normally do i was gonna go to five guys and

try and elevate the experience and it was like eight quid i was like nah i'll go to mcdonald's and i'd had just enough drinks where i think i'll enjoy this because normally i can't eat it unless i'm drunk but i, this is good. I'm perfect. And I went in and I was like, I'm going to have a meal and extra nuggets. And all of it was so bad. It must have been sitting there for so long. It was like the driest, hardest thing.

And I was like, this is supposed to be my guilty pleasure now. And it's just guilt. It's just shit. Just mad disappointment. Yeah, OK. Yeah. I mean, I was really hung over on saturday and um my wife took my kids out for a bit and i ordered a mcdonald's to be delivered to the house and i sat on my sofa just in a ball and i um a big mac and nuggets and and it was absolutely fine but at that point I couldn't muster the energy to

make anything else but I know exactly what you mean I don't think I can have it at home, it's too wrong I can order other burgers in but nothing like McDonald's can't be in my house not as a snobby thing

it's just the wrong setting for me it doesn't work I got them to deliver a Coca-Cola and a coffee Not as a snobby thing, it's just the wrong setting for me. It doesn't work. Oh, I had it with a Coke. I got them to deliver a Coca-Cola and a coffee. With it. Oh, good God. An insight there, listeners, into my life. Okay, cool.

Well, there we go. That was that. So take that in your pipe and smoke it, everyone. Yeah. Dan, have you got one? Pow. I've got a beauty here. this comes from dorinda and dorinda says hi guys hope my two favorite dick lords are keeping well and congratulations dan on your new arrival thank you very much gotta say i love your podcast

and james you have the most infectious laugh oh i also damn. I also love the incongruity of the jovial music quickly followed by the slandering of all things dickish. On to my disappointing food dick, as is the theme of this Compact Dicks. I was at a wedding a few years ago of a couple who were really into charity events and fundraising. We arrived at the reception after a long and boring ceremony, starving and ready for a good old knees up. The dining area was divided into two parts,

so 40% of the guests on one side, 60% on the other. On the 60% side, there was a bowl of rice on the table and a note saying, as a fasting gesture for charity, 60% of people in the world have less than a bowl of rice to eat every day. And the couple had done this in solidarity. And instead of splashing out on fancy food for all the wedding guests, only 40% would get a full dinner. And the rest of us chumps would get a bowl of rice.

The money saved would be donated to charity. Needless to say, after a few too many drinks were had rice was thrown at the couple as they tucked into their shoulder of lamb and chaos ensued with tables being kicked over and guests tearing each other apart the couple are lucky the couple are lucky to have found each other as i don't think they have many friends left. Cheers from Ireland. Oh, my God. That is crazy. That is mad, isn't it? That's crazy.

I can't believe we've got listeners in Ireland. I mean, that's the story. That's the craziest part of that. Oh, God, no, that is insane. I mean, okay, right. Let's unpack that slightly so i understand that you want to make a gesture right but as a guest at that wedding you would be pissed if you were in that 60 either you do it you like you say instead of having a banquet

like please eat before you arrive as we're donating all the money that we would spend to charity or you say instead of gifts we're donating no please donate at this link to our charity like that's what you do you think but how do you decide who's in the 40 percent also like if you're the couple and you're having a shoulder of lamb that is so messed up that's crazy you can't have it

both ways like what do they think is going to happen oh my god just fucked but I mean I'm glad it happened

because as content from the gods it is very good chef's kiss it's great for us yes a chef's kiss for you

and obviously I am sorry that you that 60% of the world live on less than a bowl of rice a day. Yeah, that's sad. Content is not worth that much. No. But, you know, good story. I think it's at this point in the podcast

where we go to the aforementioned John Deacon, my dad, and your kind of... Surrogate dad? Surrogate dad, yeah. Spirit dad? He's my spirit dad. I mean, you speak to him as much as I do.

Apart from via this podcast form. And so I'm starting to think that he only uses me for this conduit now. Otherwise he would have disowned me by now. But anyway, let's just hear from him. This is what he's got to say. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Well, a couple of weeks since we last recorded.

Put out a couple of good episodes there, Dan, with music producer Tiga and comedian Huge Davis. But I'd also like to say that I listened to the episode that you were in on podcaster and it did make me chuckle the thought of you embarrassingly standing there in just your socks so uh yeah that was very funny now in the week of recording there's been some great news that now that shops can open and hairdressers and also outside dining but most importantly we can all pop down the pub for a pint happy days now last week you asked the listeners for their food dicks and i've got a veritable smorgasbord from the back catalogue now firstly i'd like to recommend glamour and crystals episode their choice was goat's cheese glamour goes on to say how that when she was a well trainee veterinarian how she used to have to do a

procedure on goats and also cows and that's why she hates goat's cheese and that is very funny well worth a listen next up i recommend michael odawali's episode which also involves a goat now he's got the nigerian heritage and when he went to visit his relatives in nigeria he tells a story of how he had to befriend and fed this goat and at the end of his stay there they cooked it and he ate it that is a hilarious episode also well worth a listen next up I've got Chloe Pets's episode and her hatred of sweet corn and she goes on to ponder whether if you had a poo sample taken to the doctors, whether they would be able to pull enough information off of one grain of sweet corn, so that is very funny. Now, speaking earlier about actually going down the pub for a pint,

I actually went down our local pub with James's mum the other day, and lo and behold, bumped into Miles Chapman who him and Marco Sullivan, stars of the Channel 4 comedy series Lee and Dean in their episode Miles chose one of my

favourites and I've recommended this before and that is actually the Must Go Meal and that is a brilliant episode well worth a re-listen so my recommendations for this week are denim featuring glamour and crystal um comedian michael adewale's episode comedian chett's episode, and also as an add-on, one that I've recommended before, Marco Sullivan and Miles Chapman's episodes. So, hope you enjoy. Cheers, bye. Thorough. Thorough, comprehensive. Oh my, thorough as ever, right? Yeah, absolutely absolutely he does not do things by halves does old john deacon also look

you were solidified as the fourth deacon son and you'd come straight in as the oldest son you'd be my older you'd be my older brother and i can go to you for advice and such like all the wisdom from me you'll get. And you've got that to look forward to, bro. Yeah. Cheers, Dan. But, yeah, no, a good, solid selection. And, hey, and nice of him to listen to the episode of Podcaster that I was on. So thanks, John.

I haven't even listened to it. Well, you can because it's out now at sierra discover top workout gear at incredible prices which might lead to another discovery your headphones haven't been connected this whole time awkward discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices sierra let's get moving you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-Y-N ads.com. And Dan's going to be doing a Desire and Dick's calendar

of pictures of him just in his socks. Yeah. At some point in the future, maybe the end of the year. You'll find out what that's about if you listen to the podcast, but essentially it's kind of, there's times where you get, they asked me, I was asked, when was the last time you've been embarrassed? And it's something that I always find really embarrassing

even if I'm just on my own you know if you're sort of getting changed and you've already got your socks and your pants on and you change your trousers and for a minute you're just wearing pants and socks or sometimes just socks if you need to change your pants as well I fucking hate that

anyway more wisdom from me on there James so people if they go to dick's pod at dick's pod on twitter they can see the link there and go and listen to dan being fantastic apparently on that podcast hey not my words the words of john deacon and not even really his words but he alluded to the fact yeah he knows um hey dan you got another one from the pod bank yeah it's got a little one here on instagram at dick's pod uh and on the disappointing meals food theme um this is from ed newton and he says beetroot can fuck right off if i want to eat something that tastes

of soil i'll go into my garden and chow down on some fucking soil sorry not a meal but had to get that off my chest i quite agree i've never seen eye to eye with beetroot i do not understand it at all i i would mostly agree quite overrated i would say yeah yeah yeah um Dan I have one here I want to hear it and this is from Dylan Dylan our youngest listener Dylan this is from

our youngest listener Dylan now Dylan has emailed in and said leading on from the subject on disappointing food I have one when I went to

the south of France I brought a creme brulee on a beach side cafe and the top wasn't crispy and the cream was all soggy sorry i was doing a real gordon ramsay but my vent is over and that was that's kind of it but dylan says on a higher note I hope Dan's newborn child is okay which is lovely and I want to linky my mum's article about me to prove

that financial analyst Louise Cooper is my mum so he's put a link right and the link is to coopercity.co.uk slash driven to distraction holidaying with my car museum obsessed son. I read this article.

Did you know this article before? No, but you, last week we were, because when Dylan first wrote in and said he was 11 years old and we were going back and forth going, is he? Then his mum wrote in to verify that he was 11 and you sent me a link to her website and I

read this article it's for the times wasn't it it's for the times but I just so I want to believe there's still a big part of me that can't believe that Dylan is who he says he is i don't know why he

would make it up this is irrational right james he's not catfishing you you've just got incredibly broad appeal dylan thank you for listening okay thanks dylan um okay now we're almost finished but um don't forget you can always get in touch with the people and things you hate at dixpod.com contact or you can get in touch with us on instagram and twitter at dixpod and uh james you um as we say we always say you know you can contact us about anything but if you want something specific to get in touch about james you have one for next week you have a topic yeah so something that has been the bugbear this week has been those people that have been for a pint so like i haven't had the opportunity to go for a pint i didn't have the foresight to book a table i've also got two small children which makes it difficult and we are you know we

are coming out of extremely strange locked indoors indoors all the time, COVID times. But a lot of people that I speak to and a lot of people I know did have the foresight and have been for a pint. And for those reasons, I can't really look at social media at the minute because they're using social media to, I feel, personally attack the fact that I haven't been for a pint. So I think this week we're going to go for a social media dicks. Yeah. And we can keep it fairly open-ended. You know, there's often a different class of social media dick. At one point or another, the worst social media dick was a type of person on Facebook. But maybe now it's the people that are goading me with pints on Instagram.

Yeah. I mean, I always hate, uh, the people who sort of like express their love. You know, when it's sort of like wishing my wife good luck in her exam today or something, you're like,

well, did you not just tell her yourself? Like, why are you trying to, like you're putting it on social media. Like now I have to think that you're a good person. Just like tell your wife, tell her yourself.

Just go and tell her. Just go and tell her. That is fantastic. Did she kick you out or something? Like, is that why you're doing it on here? Just go and fucking tell her. It'll mean more.

Um, stuff like that really pisses me off. Like indirect sort of compliments or indirect kind of, um, congratulations is and things like that. pisses me off, like indirect sort of compliments or indirect kind of congratulations and things like that. Happy birthday to this one. Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyone that writes this one on a post, that's painful. Yeah.

So that kind of thing. Okay, I think this is good. There's a solid foundation here for some good dicks. Good, okay. Well, get good dicks. Good. Okay. Well, get your dicks sent in to us, and we'll have a play with them next week. Play with your dicks next week. Dickspod.com slash contact or at Dickspod

on all the social media platforms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Well, this has all been really fun, James. So we're going to see you next week okay bye