Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 23

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

James is on holiday, so Dan reads your own submissions for the worst people and things that you the listener would hate to be stuck with on an island. It's been a while, so there's a lot of solid dicks to get through, so hunker down and get ready for some serious catharsis. Remember, you can submit your choices for the people and things you dislike at dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements.

Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, I'm Dan Benedictus and this is Compact Dicks, the companion podcast to Desert Island Dicks. If you're a new listener, welcome. Let me give you the tour. This isn't a regular episode where I talk to a guest. This is the podcast where we throw open the floor to you, the listener. Normally, I'm joined by former host and creator of Desert Island Dicks, James Deacon, but he's on holiday, so I'm going solo. Thought, you know, might as well get one out because we started the new series. So let's start back with Compact Dicks as well.

Now, before I roll up my sleeves and grab a dick out of the sack, let me remind you that we've got some live dates coming up on the 1st and 2nd of December at the wonderful venue 21 Soho in central London. On the 2nd of December, we're joined by Stephen K. Amos, who will be absolutely fantastic. And the guest for the first

will announce as soon as we can, but we're just finalising some things. But we'll share who it is as soon as possible, but it will will be good you can get your tickets from the link in the podcast description or you can also find the link at our twitter and instagram at dixpod i do recommend buying your tickets soon though because they're already going quickly which is great to see even though we've not announced the first guest yet so take a chance and just book it and come and see us do dix live. Okay, listen, we're going to get on with the show.

Now, first things first, obviously, if you're listening to this and you want to submit a dick for us to talk about and critique, then you can at any time. It's dickspod.com slash contact is the address where you can email us. And lots of you have emailed us. This is fantastic. I don't really know where to start because I'm terrible at I'm the most indecisive man in the entire world I think at some point I'm hoping that clinical indecision is a proper diagnosis because it'll make me feel a lot better

anyway we're going to start here and this one is from now I want to say Zoe but it might also be Zoe spelt in an unfamiliar way. So I'm just apologies if I've got it wrong, but I've said both and I'm just going to carry on. She says, hi, Dan and James. Love compact dicks. Never fails to make me laugh. Social media dicks. This contact form isn't long enough for all the dicks on social media, but here are a few that get my goat.

One, the can't wait to share some exciting news dick. Oh, you're not taylor swift teasing an album shut up yeah valid uh the prosecco time dick this dick post a picture of a bottle of prosecco every night at 6 p.m you're an alcoholic get help three the inspirational quote dick stupid things like every moment is an opportunity for growth on a picture of a beach sure karen but right now i'm cleaning my four-year-old puke off the skirting board so maybe i'll grow spiritually in a minute yeah and finally just had to post this hot pic dick reality tv stars particularly guilty of this just post the stupid fucking face tuned and filtered to within an inch of its life pouty posy look how much money i've got photo already i don't need it with a side of every

day i get stronger or some other trite bs thanks for letting me vent i actually feel better well thank you for sending that in because i feel better too and uh you know we want to provide a safe cathartic place for all of you to get stuff off your chest. And they are strong examples. I mean, like, the can't wait to share some exciting news. It's like, yeah, you're getting a fucking new shed or something. It's not exciting. The thing about social media is, like, if you were getting a new kitchen in the past, before social media, would you email every contact in your phone book and just tell them you've got a new kitchen? No, you wouldn't.

So, like like shut up and stop telling me prosecco time like what it's it's not like it's not an exotic thing anymore just drink have a drink you don't need to post it who cares inspirational quotes yeah fuck off because just fuck off and yeah posting hot pics in the izzy city episode we we dealt with this and um yeah just just sort of just tell us if you want some attention it's just better if you just say can you just tell me i look nice it would be great for my self-esteem but don't just coat it in this veneer of like ah like it's a worthy post right but thank you for that that was superb um we have now this is from simon he says hi guys hope your lives get some normality back soon and you can get back to entertaining us all with tales of dickishness.

Well, our lives have got some normality back and we are doing what we can to entertain you with dicks. And Simon, you're a part of that because you said I'd like to nominate anybody who when being interviewed and asked a question, the first thing they say is, yeah, no. So is that a yeah or a no? Watch Match of the Day and see an endless stream of this superior dickishness. Keep up the good work, fellas. Sigh. I think I'm guilty of this. I'm terrible for saying, yeah, no, the thing is.

But just because I do it, it doesn't mean I'm not a dick. You're right, Simon. It is an annoying thing. So, yeah, fair enough. This one comes from Ewan. He said, I've not heard you two dicks for a long time, but I have a food dick for you. Spaghetti on toast. I mean, what the actual fuck?

Beans on toast, I can understand. And if you want to spice it up, you can add curry powder to the beans, not the toast. Tinned spaghetti, though though that's just kids food i feel like beans are also kids food i mean baked beans we have lots of nice beans in the world but i think baked beans the interesting thing about baked beans is both jay rayner and tom brown chef they both hate baked beans and they know about food so i think that's very telling but yeah spaghetti on toast for me is the lesser of two evils. But on toast, it just feels like it shouldn't be on toast.

Like that's that's the wrong thing for toast. I feel like every time you eat spaghetti on toast somewhere, an Italian dies. You know, it's not the right thing to be doing. So, yeah, that's that's a good one. And also you and I mean that on a desert island for eternity as well. I mean, that's going to get fucking boring, isn't it? This one, this one is from Nandi. And Nandi says, hello, dick lords.

My name is Nandi. Firstly, let me congratulate you, Dan, with your newborn. Thank you very much. Secondly, let me say that I am 12. Do not underestimate my hate for dicks. Now, this is great. We've had younger listeners in the past as well, and we never were quite sure if they really were as young as they said

until their mum confirmed it for us. But we welcome everybody. We're a if-nothing-if-not-a-family show. We've made that clear from the start. So welcome, Nandi. Now, Nandi has given us a big list here he says um do not underestimate my hate for dicks and also i love this show absolutely love it well thank you nandy anyway there are some things i really bloody hate and i want to vent my

hate will you come to the right place one the government's rule about electric scooters you can't buy one but you can rent one from them ridiculous pun intended that's a good point actually because i mean i hate electric scooters full stop because i can't hear them and they're always on the fucking pavement and just like really fast they're too fast to be on the pavement and i feel like this is a really boring 40 year old crusade i'm not even 40 yet but it's like i'm coming up to 40 and i feel like this is gonna be my like middle-aged crusade i'm not even 40 yet but it's like i'm coming up to 40 and i feel like this is gonna be my like middle-aged crusade is just getting angry at them because it's like you're too quiet and fast and why are they on pavement but you're right if they're not allowed

then how come you can rent them that's a good point uh number two those people that make a group chat for every fucking thing now this is good because this is coming from a 12 year old and you know I just thought it was me being old but if like this sort of thing is annoying 12 year olds as well I thought that 12 year olds are all over this kind of thing but clearly not so yeah you're right. Three when you order a burger at a restaurant and when it comes it's just bun patty bun no toppings and not even sauce that's from his 10 year old brother the contributors are getting younger and younger here but yeah that's that's unacceptable i would go the other way and also say that you know when a burger has like way too many things when they have to hold it together

with a huge stick and you're like well if you have to hold it together how am i supposed to put it in my mouth without just breaking up and falling apart but yeah they're not putting any toppings i mean what is this? The fucking Dark Ages? Come on. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows

to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Number four, I would like to make a food dick, which is aubergine. It's jellied piss pulp is disgusting. It's fucked up. I don't agree with you, but I know a lot of people do. So I think that's fair enough.

I think it's very easy to get it wrong. So, you know, but it's your dick it's your choice that's fine and in five says another messed up thing i once went to a middle eastern restaurant with my mum and my brother we go there and order the kiddie meal which consisted of some kind of grilled chicken in pita with some fresh vegetables and turns out when they bring it to the table they literally had stuck a pita bread with chunks of chicken and a salad in the microwave, which resulted in slimy lettuce, warm yogurt dressing, dry as hell chicken and pita bread that within 10 seconds of landing at the table turned to rock. So disappointing. They probably thought that being a kid's meal, the kids wouldn't give a shit.

Well, clearly Nandi does give a shit. Don't fuck with Nandi's pita bread with chicken. I think it is fair. well, clearly Nandi does give a shit. Don't fuck with Nandi's pita bread with chicken. I think it is fair. Like, if you're going to make nice food for the rest of the restaurant, don't just make shit versions of it for the kids. Kids got to eat too. Finally, Nandi says, ah, thank you for letting me vent.

I am breathing very quickly now. Thank you. I don't know if breathing very quickly is a good thing or not. I mean, Nandi, if you keep breathing quickly, then probably go and see a doctor because it shouldn't be too quick. But there you go. Now, every week in Compact Dicks, we like to have a little section where John Deacon, James's dad, picks some vintage episodes for you. He's like our sommelier of dicks. And every week he goes down to our cellar and he finds a fine looking dick and he pulls it out and he has a listen and he recommends it to you the ones that might have

passed you by or if you're a new listener you might not have heard so here he is i'm going to throw over now to john deacon for some fine recommendations hi dan oh so good to have the podcast back and what an episode with uh iz Sutty that was brilliant. Now for all our new subscribers welcome there are loads of previous podcasts you can listen to on the Desert Island Dicks feed. Now I've just chosen a couple of my favourites to whet your appetites. Now firstly there's political analyst and LBC radio presenter Ian Dale you've got TV personality and comedian Tom Allen's live Christmas special episode there's legendary DJs such as Pat Sharp

Dave Barry and Matt Dyson you've got comedians John Holmes you've got Sam Delaney, Lucy Porter you've got Dame Baptiste Marlon Davis just to mention a tiny snippet of uh of the back catalogue so I highly recommend diving in there grabbing a dick having a listen trust me you won't be disappointed. So cheers, Dan, and look forward to speaking to you next time. Cheers, then. Bye. So there you have it.

Thank you, John Deacon, for those recommendations. As he says, look, we've got loads in the back catalogue, so there's lots for you to explore if you're a new listener or if you just haven't heard them in a while, go back and listen to some more. Why not? And we're going to do our best to keep ploughing new ones out as much as we can as well.

Right, on with the show. Here's a great one here from George Besman. George has written, Now I've got a list of major dicks that I wanted to share with the public, and they're mainly related to living and working in the UK as a Romanian bloke. I hope at least one of them makes it on the next episode. And here they are in order of dickness. One, those 100% pureblood Brits that feel the need to talk slower and louder

if they know you're Romanian or an immigrant in general. Debbie, you sodden stuck-up prick, after nine years in the UK, with seven of them spent in laboratory engineering and medical research fields I'm pretty cunting sure I can understand your instructions on where the coffee machine is if delivered at your normal pace and volume I mean to be honest George if you're using English sentences like I'm pretty cunting sure I understand I mean that's just perfect English I mean when you're fluent in swearing like that, there's nowhere else to go. I mean, Debbie, come on, fuck's sake, the man speaks good English. He continues, two, those chaps in their 50s sitting next to you in a high-end coffee shop or restaurant that clutch

their wallet or purse as soon as you speak a foreign language on the phone in their close proximity. Relax, sweethearts, it's not like I'm going to snatch your purse and make a run for it wearing smart attire. You know how hard it is to wash sweat stains off a silk shirt? If I ever fancy a jail visit, I'm going to just whack you wearing the ugly-ass Balenciaga oversized T-shirt your daughter's put on your business expenses MasterCard. The eloquent, I've got to say, George, the eloquent and just the writing in this is superb. And also, I'm just, it's embarrassing that people do that if they hear you speak in a foreign language. I mean, these are high-end dicks that deserve to be besmirched on a podcast. Three, those asswipes that go, oh, wow, your

English is so good. Good job on that. Well, you'd think that to work in a highly qualified position, that would be the bare fucking minimum now. Number four, colleagues going on like, Oh, I guess that's not how you do things back home, huh? When you disagree in a professional manner. Yes, Dave, in Romania, we sacrifice a virgin to the local vampire when the blood gas analyser does not provide reliable results. Our disagreement does not have absolutely anything to do with the fact that you're a theoretical professional arguing with someone with hands-on technical expertise. Wow, George, I mean, these are superb submissions. I really, really rate them very highly.

So thank you so much for sending them in. I agree with all of those. And I'm sorry that you've had a hard time from people being dicks as someone who's clearly come over here to do an important, useful job. So, yeah, fuck those guys. This is from Dylan. Dylan says, I had a bad reaction with a YouTuber once. I was nine but contacted a YouTuber and he or one of his secretaries reached back and basically said, for being a fan but your ideas are crap

i immediately unsubscribed also is it okay if i contact every time yes it is okay if you contact and every time uh dylan and also fuck that youtuber at least just say thanks and lie about it you have to be a dick but they were a dick so fuck them now finally this is another email from nandy and nandy says hi it's me nandy again another dick for you dick masters says um the archers dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum etc i always say bloody archers and flick the radio to something else anyway thanks so much and see you around nandy and he says p.., when the fuck is the next episode coming out? Well, my sweary young friend, the next episode is coming out next week. But, I mean, obviously you wrote this ages ago when you didn't know when the next episode is coming out.

But it's okay. The Archers theme tune. The Archers I've never listened to, but my mum listens to it religiously. So I have like a very, I don't know, I hear that theme tune never listened to but my mum listens to it religiously so I have like a very I don't know I hear that theme tune and it's so my mum it's sort of thing like you know when she's no longer around I'll hear that theme tune once and it will like probably make me start crying because I associate with her so much but once when I was like in my mid-20s and I come up to London to stay at my mate's house and one of hismates, who was like a bit of a geezer,

he was in his room and I came downstairs and I heard the Archers theme tune. I'm like, this is a bit weird because I'm in a flat full of blokes in our early 20s. And he came out of his room and I was like, are you listening to the Archers in there? And he got all sheepish and was like, yeah, well, like, you know, it's just like for my work,

I do a lot of driving. Do you know what I mean? So I listen to the radio a lot, you know, just like, just get used to hearing well like you know it's just like for my work i do a lot of driving do you know i mean so i listen to the radio a lot you know just like just get used to hearing it you know not into it or anything and he got really flustered because um this like young 24 year old geezer bloke listened to the archers which i always found very amusing anyway thank you guys so much for your submissions that was a real bumper crop and um yeah so much for your submissions. That was a real bumper crop. And yeah, thank you for your patience for waiting for us to come back. And yeah, it's been appreciated.

Now look, if you listened to that and you thought, I want to have my say, I want you to read out my list of dicks, well, I would be very happy to. And so would James, because he's coming back soon from holiday. And you can submit your dicks at dickspod.com slash contact, or you can submit your dicks at dickspod.com contact or you can just

go on our social media at dicks pod on twitter and instagram and you can tell us your dicks there and we will collect them and collate them and we will just talk about them and put them out on to the internet in the form of a podcast because that's how these things work and you know that because you're listening so that's what we've got time for so we're going to fuck off now and do something else and probably get another podcast ready for you in the meantime i'm talking to you because i feel like you're you listeners to compactix you're the hardcore listeners you know you're the ones who like listening to this not there's no famous person on it you're still listening and um what i would like you to do is a big favor for us i would like you to make sure you're subscribing if you're not please do it now and also leave us a review it'd

be so helpful these sort of things i don't know how the algorithms work but reviews and subscriptions really make a difference we get higher up the charts more people notice us more people listen the more people that listens the easier it gets to book more people for the podcast and that kind of thing basically it really helps us out we're just a bunch of guys doing something we really enjoy we're not getting any support for it we're not you know from a big production company or something like that where they're doing it all for us and booking guests and things like that so it's all a real diy independent thing so if you could do that for us it would really help and i will shut up now because i've drunk quite a lot of wine tonight and i need to edit this and put it together and put it on the

internet so i'm just going to say thank you for listening thank you for waiting for so long for us to be back we are back and it feels great and i hope you enjoy it too i'm going to shut up now goodbye Goodbye.