Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 24

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Dan is back once again to read out your submissions for who and what you think are dicks. Keep em coming, send us your choices at dickspod.com/contact. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello. I seem to be washed up on an island entirely populated with things and people that I hate and that you hate. Because that's the important bit. This is Compact Dicks and this is where you choose who and what is a dick and what goes on your own personal island hellscape i am dan and james is not here this week but i will do my best to navigate through the choppy waters of dicks and read out the dicks you've sent in if you're listening to this and you want to get involved in fact if you've ever listened to desert island dicks or compact dicks and you thought I want to get stuck in,

I want to tell them what I hate, well you can. You can get in touch at dickspod.com slash contact or at Instagram and Twitter at Dickspod. So please go ahead and tell us who and what you hate. Before I get started I need to tell you more about our live shows. We've got two live shows booked. They're in Soho in London on the 1st and 2nd of December. We've got Fern Brady booked for the 1st of December, and she is going to be brilliant. And you know who else is going to be brilliant?

Stephen K. Amos, who's booked on the 2nd of December. So that's two brilliant comedians who are going to be brilliant and funny because that's the nature of a brilliant comedian. And they're going to tell us about their Desert Island dicks. So get your tickets now. There's a link in the description to this podcast and also on our Twitter and Instagram

at Dickspod. You can find the link to buy tickets there. So what you got to do, go and buy some tickets and then we can meet in real life and you can tell me your to buy tickets there so what you got to do go and buy some tickets and then we can meet in real life and you can tell me your dicks in real life um i think first and second of december is totally appropriate to start planning going out for christmas drinks and things like that so why not make it a good excuse to start your festive celebrations early and um come

to desert island dicks live at 21 soho on the 1st and 2nd of december so that's fern brady on the 1st steven k amos on the 2nd i very much can't wait so uh yeah tickets are going fast so get them now right i didn't come here to just promote live shows i came here to read out your dicks now this one comes from twitter at dicks pod this is from rick and he says being stuck with piers morgan eating an apple strudel with a warm can of carlsberg listening to mood by 24k golden on repeat with white chicks on the big screen whilst chilling with a thousand midges okay right, right, there's a lot there, so let's unpack this. It sounds very good.

Okay, so Piers Morgan, I mean, obviously, I mean, he's a perennial choice, isn't he? Everybody feels like that about Piers. I mean, there are probably people who think he's a total legend, you know, just like, what's wrong with someone who tells it like it is, you know, free speech. But let's be honest, he's a fucking dick. Um, eating an apple strudel, apple strudel. I can't really remember what it is, but isn't it just like pastry and apple

filling? I find it hard to be cross about those, but I mean, I dunno, maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe you hate apples. I like apples, apples but hey this isn't my dick selection it's your dick selection so that's fair enough maybe it's just the idea of eating an apple strudel on a desert island because you know there'll be sand everywhere I don't know a warm can of Carlsberg of course we can all agree that sounds disgusting I mean it's kind of weak lager and it's warm so that's not good listening to mood by 24k golden on repeat i had to look this up and now i have i'm angry at myself for having looked it up because my algorithm is potentially fucked and i don't want this kind of music to be pushed at me because it's it's not good i it's

very if you haven't listened to it it's very sort of voc-y, hip-hop-y, R&B stuff. And I can't believe that that auto-tune, vocoder kind of business is still being done. Stop doing it. It's too much. You don't need it anymore. It's bad. White Chicks on the big screen. I haven't seen White Chicks, but that's because without seeing it, I can tell it's a bloody awful film. So that's why I haven't seen it. And, um, a thousand midges. Yeah. You know, we always say the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

So not just a thousand midges. I mean, it's probably going to be even more. I've had this week. My cat was going around. He's just pulling huge chunks of fur out the other day. And I thought, oh, fucking hell, I better call the vet. Turns out he had fleas. And I thought, well, that's fine. at was he was going around he's just pulling huge chunks of fur out the other day and i thought fucking hell i better call the vet turns out he had fleas and i thought well that's fine we've given his flea treatment i've only bloody fat seen three fleas in the last week so i've had to

deal with that kind of thing so that makes me think of midges now every time i think of like small bitey things i start getting itchy so i mean that's just an insight into my glamorous life but um what i'm trying to say rick is that you know i empathize and um the idea of any small fucking annoying insects right now is enough to piss me off so thank you for sending that in next we have this from laureline and she says hi dan and j James I can't recall this song ever being nominated but a song I truly think belongs on the island is extremes more than words now Laureline I'm going to tell you in a short while why I'm very happy to hear you say this but I'll read the rest of your email first the song is basically a guy trying to tell his girlfriend that she needs to

sleep with him in order to prove that she loves him because saying I love you isn't enough and she has to prove it with more than words. Looking at the lyrics it's basically a demand of what she can do for him. Never does he say what he could do. I feel nauseated to see couples calling this their tune basically proving you can sing anything as long as you put an acoustic track to it. Loving the podcast and great to have you back, Laureline. Well, listen, thank you so much for sending that in. You're completely right. It's an awful tune, but it has been mentioned on the pod before because when James started this podcast and I was the very first interviewee, it's the song that I chose because I fucking hate it.

So I am very happy to hear you write in about this. week's episode well in next week's episode of desert island dicks with comedian ahir shah that's not out yet um i think i mentioned it in passing as well as something that just annoys me because it always sounds to me like they're about to wrap it up and then it starts again it's like really annoying but i never i've never listened to the lyrics enough to know that that's what it's about so that gives it another level of dickishness, in my opinion. So this is very good to know. It's acoustically, it's sonically irritating. And it's also morally not great either.

So this is good. The other thing that I hate is they're called extreme. And it's like, you don't get to be extreme and sing that kind of shit. Supposedly, any time you want to come on here and tell me that you hate extremes more than words, I am with you because I think it's the worst song in the world and if I was stuck with it on a desert island, oh, man, I just, I mean, I would just be very, very upset.

So thank you for your email. Right, now it's time for our regular contribution from James's dad, John Deacon. Now, if you're not familiar, John is our resident historian. He's listened to every episode. He's like a high-end personal shopper. Each week, he sends us his recommendations for past episodes that you should check out in case you've just started listening or you might have missed them or forgotten about them. And he digs through and he lets us know what are worthy in his opinion of revisiting and what will

suit you to a tee so without further ado here's John Deacon with his picks for this week. Hi Dan yeah I had a bit of a crappy week this week weekend should i say and um uh listening to uh russell cain's episode on the pod this week really really cheered me up and made me laugh um now my recommendation for this week is a bit of a bit of a strange one because it's actually for a future episode now i know that you've got a second artist appearing in Soho on the 1st of December, and Fern Brady. Now, I wasn't really familiar with Fern Brady's stuff, so then again, I got that up on BBC iPlayer and had a look at it,

and I thought that was absolutely brilliant, really hilarious. So, yeah, a bit of a strange one this week, but my recommendation for this week but my recommendations for this week or recommendation for this week is a future episode and that is with the very funny firm brady um speak to you next week dan cheers mate bye so there you go thank you john very much as always um yeah as he said there the deacon household have had some sad news in the last week so um all i love to them right now but it's lovely to think that this podcast can bring some joy to people even when we're sat here talking about stuff that we hate and ranting on a bit you know i've had a few bits of correspondence since starting this saying that this can be a welcome distraction um you know when

people having a bad time and that means a lot to me because you know i've had a pretty mad year of it as well without going into details and you know god haven't we all over the last year for various reasons so a big shout out to all of you because i like to think despite our ranty overtones we do want this to be a fun positive listening experience so if it's a nice thing for you then that makes us really happy and um yeah just lots of love to everyone and to the deacon household that said let's get back to slagging off things we hate shall we because that really is our raison d'etre on this podcast um this one let me open my phone for this because this one comes on our instagram from pauline mason and she says yay love this podcast it's the happiest whinge bag session

ever totally love it okay this is a great list here she says Tony Blair my ex's mum the evil woman head teacher from Harry Potter watermelon amaretto vomiting emoji symbol the theme from friends independence day

and mosquitoes in case you were wondering we were wondering. We were wondering, Pauline, and we're happy for your submission. Thank you. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lipsandads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n-ads.com um right let's start from the top shall we tony blair yeah i mean if you want to hear someone eloquently slagging off tony blair you should listen to beardy Man's episode because he actually met him once at a dinner and

managed to sort of have a go at him about Iraq which is quite enjoyable thing that annoys me most about Tony Blair these days I mean apart from all the shit that he got up to in the time is when he still pops up now and again and goes oh here's what I

think about everything and it's like sod off Tony you had your time. You invaded Iraq illegally. I think you don't get to pop up now and tell us, you know, how we should all be doing. My ex's mum. I mean, I don't know your ex or his mum or her mum, their mum. But, yeah, I don't know. I mean, ex's parents, that's a tricky thing isn't it

I mean I don't think I've ever had an ex where I've had to keep in touch with them or their parents so I've been spared by it but if I did have to keep in touch with them that would be annoying maybe you don't keep in touch with them but they can still be a pain in the arse can't they just even thinking about them being really difficult at the time

it's an annoying thing to navigate the evil woman head teacher from harry potter i'm really not a fay with the harry potter films but she sounds like a bitch so let's put her on the island watermelon she says i like watermelon i think watermelon's good i don't like regular melon controversial i don't know watermelon's one of those things i thought everyone likes but then my son doesn't like it melon. Controversial? I don't know. Watermelon's one of those things I thought everyone likes, but then my son doesn't like it, and it turns out I was wrong. Watermelon would be good on an island, though, because it's full of water, but look, you know, you don't like it. You don't like it. Bad watermelon can be a bit mushy and sort of like, what's the word, like,

yeah, I guess mushy and sort of a bit sort of furry almost a bit sort of fluffy you know when it's not crisp and nice so i guess it is bad amaretto yep i once uh lived with a very good friend of mine and um he was going through a breakup and he sort of had gone off to have one of those awful long painful chats that you have with your with your partner when you're breaking up with them you know and it just goes on for hours and hours and it's awful and you feel like it's never going to end and he came back home and he was really upset and he did that like characteristic thing of coming in and pouring himself a stiff drink and sort of trying to get his head together but the only strong drink we had in the house for some reason was amaretto which kind of was at odds with this

sort of guy on the rocks sort of trying to sort out this breakup and it's like he's kind of should be a scotch or something but um it's amaretto but you know fucking any port in a storm you know um the theme from friends she goes on to say the theme from friends this is a great one because i might have said this a few times in the podcast i can't remember the theme from Friends, this is a great one, because I might have said this a few times in the podcast, I can't remember. The theme from Friends, one thing that I always think is amazing about it is that it's so hard to remember that that's actually, that was written as a real song and became a theme tune.

Like, that wasn't one of those things that's like, oh, this was just written for the theme tune. Like, the Rembrandts who wrote that, they wrote that thinking, this is a good tune this will get us in the charts like that's the music they wanted to make as musicians they wanted to make that and then it got picked up and used as a theme tune for friends but fucking hell it's a bad tune bad tune i know a lot of people hate friends i really like it because i feel like it's sort of like you know it's just like a sedative i really find it so calming and um but even when it's on and i'm really hung over which

i think is like the prime prime setting for it um i have to skip the introduction because i hate it so much i'm probably going to get gunned now from loads of people who hate friends but look i'm certainly not infallible i can be a dick as much as the next man independence day independence day i think i can't remember much about it i remember will smith like punches an alien doesn't he he's like he flies he's having like a sort of air battle with an alien in the spaceship and he's in his plane and he punches the alien and then he has a cigar because like yeah punch that which is different to you and then smoke a big phallic object that's how i want to be yeah i just remember like america saved the day again which is a bit annoying but i guess it was called

independence day um and then mosquitoes yeah so i mean you know before we've had we've had um midges and i guess that's kind of the same thing but mosquitoes yeah they're fucking dicks and you know and they like one of those things they're like the smallest animal that kills the most people because of malaria and stuff just unnecessary i hate them we all hate them they get they make that sound in your ear you know when you're sleeping they kind of do that like right into your fucking dicks now we've got one last one here and this is uh from a returning uh listener this is from nandy who's a 12 year old listener who got in touch last week and he says hello your loyal sweary young listener

is back that's what that's what i called him last week because he's young and as you'll find out he's sweary uh here are some more dicks for the dick overlords one hypocrites and he says in brackets this was composed and arranged by my brother charlie uh none of my help charlie i think seemed to remember was 10 years old so is even younger so he says hypocrites is his pick then uh these are the biggest hypocrites come on eat your food what the fuck hypocrite you haven't touched your food and then comes the most prickish sentence i'm just a slow eater turns out he just waits till everyone's left the table eats one bite and then sneaks to the kitchen leaves the full plate there knowing the whole family is watching tv or something else and at one point no one gives a fuck what the hypocrite is doing

because they think they're better than everyone else. Wow, that's a, I mean, I don't want to sound patronizing. That's a real, like, young person struggle, you know? Like, I think as you get older, I'm always having to tell my son to eat quicker because he takes, you know, like 45 minutes to eat a piece of toast, but he is four and I just eat everything really quickly because I'm hungry and tired. Yeah, so I guess as an adult, I haven't had that a lot. But yeah, it probably is really annoying when you're young and people are telling you to eat your food all the time.

But kids are fucking slow at eating. But, you know, I guess at least I'm eating quickly. So, yeah, if they're not eating and they're telling you to eat up then you know i get it there is hypocrisy there uh this one is from me says nandy film dick shark tale one time when i was young my mum had stayed up all night doing work in the morning she took a long nap before that she picked us a film and we had to watch it it just had to be shark tale stupidest most pointless film ever it's just shit and there's no fucking other way of saying it shark tale let me google this oh okay so i remember this one i haven't seen it but i recognize the images um yeah i mean you know

i think i is you know what nanny it's hard for me to sympathize in this because you said that your mum was up all night working so i'm kind of thinking that situation she probably just picked the longest film she could find that she could get some sleep i reckon um i don't know i mean generally animated films these days i reckon they're pretty good most of them i occasionally have to watch some total shit but um yeah shark, Shark Tale, I don't remember it. But, yeah, as I say, I think my sympathy goes to your mum in this situation for working really hard. Okay, number three says, this person comes from my class. Okay, now he has put his name, but then he emailed me again to say don't actually say his name.

He says, he's that kind of person who thinks they have more authority over everyone else this kid always argues with the teacher and is surprised when he gets a detention i mean what the fuck um yeah uh well i yeah we all have to deal with people in our classes that are dicks and then when you're not in school anymore you have to deal with people in the office luckily i work from home these days so i don't but you know still it's that same thing isn't it when you've just got to share an intimate space that you can't leave with someone who's fucking annoying and won't wind their neck in i get it yeah he's a dick and i can see his name so i know who's a dick but i'm not going to tell the rest of them but anyway the guy in your class

he's a dick and you don't want to be stuck with him on the island. He says, anyway, have a nice day and I hope James comes back soon. I hope James comes back soon too. And he will, I think next week probably. But for now it's just me. And anyway, that's it for Compact Dicks this week. So thank you everyone for getting in touch. Just to let you know again, as I said before,

you can get in touch. You can have your say, dixpod.com contact to leave us a nice email like that or you can do a more succinct one if you want slide into our dms on twitter and instagram at dixpod and um yeah so just once more before i go please do go and check out our tickets for our live shows with fern brady and stephen k amos i'm really really excited and uh i just want to pack them out because i think it'll be fun to have all of us in a room after i was gonna say after so long i mean james did do a live show with tom allen uh like christmas

what 2018 i guess now i'm losing track of the years but it was so much fun and so uh now it's my turn i can't wait and um i think it would just be a lovely pre-christmasy dickish time i'm tired and it's getting late and i need to put this up on the internet so i'm gonna go now but uh thank you for listening uh we'll be back on monday with a new episode featuring the very funny comedian Ahir Shah. You heard it here first. So yeah. Thank you for listening. And bye.