Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 27

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

On the island this week James and Dan are joined by your choices for the desert island and let me tell you this for nothing - they're smokin'! AND we have a great big juicy announcement about next week's episode of the podcast. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. and it wasn't until i was walking up the stairs that i realized they were my shoes. Can you believe that? How are you Dan, alright? Very well. How are you today James? I'm absolutely fine, how are you Dan? Yeah, yeah, I'm alright, the sun is shining, it's Friday, I've already decided I'm not going to do much work today. I think you probably decided that yesterday or the day before. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just flooded through me really, it's more of a feeling.

More of an instinct I think. But yeah, I'm okay man, I'm okay. So welcome everyone to Compact Dicks. For those of you who aren't familiar with this format, Compact Dicks, we're the spin-off to uh desert island dicks and this is where you the listener get to have your your say your submissions read out of who and what you think is a dick and we're happy to facilitate their entry into the podcast sphere and if you want to submit your own choices for compact dicks send them to dixpod.com contact there's a little contact box in there and you can send us who what when where whatever you like for the island yeah yeah it could be food drink song film doesn't have to be people but it can be people so that's fine or

none of the above choose a book you know enlighten us yeah you could actually go outside of the desert island dicks format if you wish that's that's fine we're we're loosey goosey baby oh never a truer word said right so dan usually we start this with um some of our own choices i haven't got a choice this week but i believe you do yeah i mean i'm feeling pretty zen this week i'm not not that much has been annoying me really to be honest which is rare but this is something that pops up now and again and it's just a very quick one it's just people who design children's clothes that you can't stick in the tumble dryer oh this is good this is really good because you know most of it you just want to get it done

quickly you're always putting on washes all the time and just every now and again you forget and it's a nice top and then it shrinks and it's really annoying and they can't wear it anymore or like you have to go through everything separate it out put it on the radiator you know it's winter now i can't be drying everything outside it doesn't work it will freeze it doesn't work and uh my son is forever going around with them pajama bottoms that are like midway up his calf and like the bottom of his belly showing where I just stick all of his clothes in the tumble and the pajamas. They're not going to wear that out and about. It should just be the most versatile of materials. Anyway, H&M are a real culprit for this, but they do do lovely children's clothes.

So, you know, just make it easy on us parents and stop any extra fucking around i have to do just make it easier for us you know i mean i don't want to be going through and checking the label on every item within a within a wash that's very annoying no right that's our chests cleared is that what you say get it off your chest but you don't say it the other way around i don't know anyway we've got that off our chests is i suppose how i would say it let's hear from you the listener i have one here from stephanie stephanie says um and this is a good one people who don't have microwaves ah okay okay and i messaged you yesterday down to check if you had a microwave. Yeah and then you didn't look I said why why do you ask and then you never got back to me and I

just forgot but now it all makes sense. Ah here we go people who don't have microwave first line snobs. Second line usually middle-class people who have no struggles in life so they need to find ways to make their life more challenging i.e cooking in an auger furthermore microwaves are very energy efficient ovens use the most energy in the kitchen people who don't use microwaves are in the same group of people who have log burners, which are very bad for your health and the environment. Well, I can tell you, James, I have a microwave, but my mother does not have a microwave. And she also has an Argo. And let me tell you, it is a pain in the ass.

What does she do if she just wants to warm something up quickly? Like last night's dinner, she wants to eat it. You have to eat it. You have to put it in the oven or in a pan, depending. But it's really annoying when I'm staying there with my kids and I have to, let's say my youngest wakes up in the night and wants a bottle and I have to go downstairs, get the milk out, measure it out, put it in a saucepan, put it on top of the hob.

Oh, man, it's so annoying when you're just... It's like falling. In the massive metal lid. Has it got one of those? Yeah, yeah, it's so irritating. you're just in the massive metal lid has it got one of those yeah yeah it's so irritating and for years she didn't have a microwave she's like oh i don't trust them it just seems weird i don't trust the technology and the only other person i knew who didn't have a microwave was my best mate and his dad was like he like he's like a genius engineer he used to like design nuclear submarines or something he's like higher and he didn't have one because he was a bit wary of them and so my mom was like

he doesn't have one either and he knows about this stuff and then he just got one and went yeah it's fine but my mom still wouldn't get one fucking get a microwave i'm not using it all the time it's just it's just so convenient that you eat some dinner last night next day lunch time you want to warm something up obviously what are you going to do two minutes in the microwave i'm mainly reheating rather than cooking with it but i mean that's true yeah same same fucking you need them they're useful so like pre-microwave i imagine that's why like meals like bubble and squeak came around because someone's like we've got all this food left and we've got no way to warm it up, so you just chuck it in a pan and cook it, right? Yeah, maybe.

I mean, I like using leftovers a lot, but yeah, some things are just easier with a microwave. And that's that. It's 2023, people. Get a microwave. Maybe I'll buy my mum a microwave because I'm a grown-up now. I could do that, couldn't I?

You could. Treat her, yeah. And get her a freezer full because I'm a grown-up now. I could do that, couldn't I? You could. Treat her, yeah, and get her a freezer full of meals. Yeah, she'll hate it. Well, thank you very much for that, Stephanie. Dan, have you got one there? Yes, I have. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. This one is from Tim. This one, I like this a lot. Hang on. It says, hi, Dickmasters.

I'd like to nominate the head of my company. The pay here has always been quite low compared to other similar organisations. But recently, the boss sent round an email inviting us to a seminar by a financial expert to teach us how to manage our finances better. You know what would help my finances? Having a salary that matched inflation so i wasn't taking a real terms pay cut really annoys me when someone on a huge pay packet tries to show they understand our situation by doing something like this when it has very little actual use and when they could easily sort the problem themselves by addressing the real issue oh that's good timely as well hey cost of living and everything um yeah i mean

this person sounds like a proper dick it's so true of people in positions of power within companies that they're so out of touch with what's going on in people's lives it's like you don't need more money you just need to be able to manage your money better yeah it's like hmm interesting why don't we take some of your money away and see how you get on dickhead yeah and it's just i think it also sort of tied into so much of what's happening in the world you know it's like energy prices are insane so here's a little bit of money off your bills, which would help. But also, energy companies are posting bigger profits than they have ever had.

So maybe you're looking in the wrong place, you fucking dicks. It's true. And it's just so mad that we, I mean, not to go on a huge tangent, that people are struggling and they're making massive profits. And they're like, they've made loads of profit this year. And you're like, well, yeah, because they're fucking fleecing us. Can we just stop doing that? And then everyone would probably be all right.

Yeah. And I think I read a thing or so about Nadim Zadawi about how he's been investigated for tax evasion, but then he's sort of talking about going after people avoiding tax. And it's like, you should be fired by now. But nothing's going to happen. So I just thought it felt indicative of the larger situation in the country as a whole.

So I like that. So thank you very much for that, Tim. It's at this junction in the podcast where we turn to John Deacon, my dad. Oh, let's turn. Yeah, let's turn to him. John, have you got some – I'm not going to do it as if I'm actually talking to him because he's not here. But what my dad likes to do, just to tee this up, if you've never listened to this before, is we've got an extensive back catalogue of interesting episodes in the podcast, of the podcast,

and my dad likes to point you in the direction of some interesting episodes so let him do exactly that hi james hi dan great episode this week dan with author and comedian ck mcdonnell now this week i'd like to recommend somebody that i heard on the radio last week, and it's a previous contributor to the pod, a guy called Asa Bennett. Now, Asa Bennett was Liz Truss's scriptwriter. Poor fella. I went back to his episode and had a quick listen, and it's a good one. He chose as his animal the honey badger,

which is cited by Trump supporters as being his animal, if you like, because honey badger don't give a shit. Ata also mentioned the fact that honey badger is an animal that rips off larger prey's genitals until they bleed to death, probably a bit like Donald Trump as well. But this week I'd also like to recommend, from the back catalogue, some episodes that we put out, and they are desert island dicks

top of the cocks we put out three episodes in february and march 2021 and they put together a delightful smorgasbord of snippets of episodes you've got some good names in there we've got john holmes whose story about when he met arnie schwarzenegger we've got al Holmes whose story about when he met Arnie Schwarzenegger we've got Alison Spittel's Calamari story where she said that Calamari was likened to pig's anus also we've got Sophie Hagen's episode now Sophie was cited as the reason why the film I Feel Pretty was a disaster at the box office she put out a tweet it, which got six million retweets. And she was also mentioned on CNN, in the New York Times, and she was also mentioned on Bill Maher's talk show.

So that's a great episode as well. And there's some really funny, funny stuff on there. So my recommendation is the Asa Bennett episode. Hope he gets a job soon bless him and uh also um the episodes of um desert island dicks top of the cocks so cheers in bye thank you john that was wonderful and uh not only do i just find it soothing listening to his voice i wish i genuinely do uh i think think he remembers episodes that I'd forgotten all about as well. So it really is good.

And I urge you to listen to his recommendations because, yeah, they're great. I mean, we've done five years' worth of this podcast now, so there's a lot in there. Such an interesting one that Asa Benner, who we had on the podcast, Dad's First Suggestion, was Liz Truss's scriptwriter. It's mad, isn't it?

It's absolutely mad. And I wonder, I haven't gone back to listen to the episode, obviously Dad has, but I feel like going back just to listen, just to see if I can pick out any of the traits within his comments or his speech of the way that she used to talk. He must have been annoyed. He was like, I've written you this speech, and there you are bumbling along

with these massive pauses when anyone asks you a question. Oh, I think maybe we should get him back on. Maybe we should get him back on now post Liz Trust affair. Spill the beans. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Well, thank you very much, John Deacon.

Yeah, thank you, John. Okay, should we have another one from the listeners now okay dan i've got one here and this one comes in from pam this is from pam and she said food anything smoked oh this does not include traditional smoked fish that bit's in capital letters okay so smoked salmon smoked mackerel, they're all okay. to market them as oak smoked brownies like a failed food challenge on the apprentice would however be very easy to produce on the island yeah yes smoked brownie seems like you're just reaching for it's just unnecessary like it's sort of like the brownies are great you don't need more just settle down just a lovely delicious sweet sugary brownie with

chocolate anise is great i mean if they genuinely thought do you know what this brownie needs is a smoky flavor why don't we put smoke all over it before we put it out there they've made a real mistake uh if they have made an actual mistake and burnt the brownies and then marketed them as smoked brownies it's actually quite clever yeah then i think fair enough hats off yeah okay i can get behind this unnecessarily smoked food sure yeah i was thinking earlier weirdly of uh like i remember do you remember heston blumenthal ages ago did like a cooking it was like how to cook with heston but everything was just ridiculous because you go here's how to make the perfect roast chicken and it took like three days of preparation you think roast chicken's really nice anyway and it takes about an hour it's quite easy and without without

doing anything to it it's really nice so i'm not going to take three days over it you fucking idiot and i think he did a chili where like he had a chili in a bowl and then that was in a different bowl full of wood chips and as you serve it you like set fire to all the wood chips around it it's like yeah that would be good heston but have you met a real person before that'd be really good heston but i mean sour cream and jalapenos on a regular chili yeah oh yeah okay i can get by on this right you have smoked food thank you very much for that dan have you got one this one comes from laura and she says people who send you photos of their baby wearing your gift. Okay.

Okay. I have a friend who always sends photos of her baby wearing or using any gift I've given her. On the surface, it seems very thoughtful and appreciative. However, I recently gave her a large box full of old baby clothes, and she's been sending me a photo every time the baby wears a hand-me-down. I don't even recognize the clothes if she's doing this for me i presume she's doing this for anyone who's ever given her a gift when you have a baby a high percentage of your baby's clothes and toys are presents who has the energy and memory of who gifted what to keep this up when is enough enough

wow i'm here i'm with that i understand yeah happy i feel good that i passed this thing on to you um and i appreciate that you appreciate it one picture or just a quick thank you text is enough okay well this is this has been good this is great this is compact this is compact ideal we've got through some great choices you gave some choices of your own the listeners came through with some fantastic choices and if they want to send us some more it's dixpod.com slash contact or you can get us on social media and it's at dixpod on instagram or twitter if you find that easier drop us a quick message um and we can read them from there yeah do it and next week we'll be back with another desert island dicks full episode this week coming up we've got the guys from jack

mate's happy hour podcast all three of them it's a doozy so uh that's gonna come on tuesday as we're recording this and uh yeah enjoy we've got some really good people coming up actually so oh yeah exciting oh damn nice tease at the end there thank you thank you okay well this has been a pleasure but uh i've run out of enthusiasm. So see you later. Bye. Bye. I'll see you next time.