Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 29

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

IT'S TIME TO RISE AND GRIND! That's right we're here and we are here to deliver... We've been going through your submissions for the desert island and pulled out some of the best and stuck them in this podcast for you. Listen to it and then maybe submit one of your own to dickspod.com/contact Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. hey yo let's rise and grind i thought i'd make it i thought I'd be like the young kids and be more dynamic and excited. That was great.

Wow, you really are wasted in this format. You should be on YouTube or TikTok with that kind of business. Yeah, but that's taken it out of me. I'm back to my normal energy levels now. That was big dick energy, I must say. I was on a WhatsApp group with some of my friends recently and the phrase rise and grind kept getting used ironically. So it's just stuck in my head now.

It sounds like it should be a slogan for like a hipster coffee pod company. Yeah, I think that's where it came from, something about that. Anyway, hey, look, this is Compact Dicks. I'm Dan. Oh, I'm James. Hello, Dan. And look, if you're here going, hey, wait, what the fuck's going on? Where's the guest in the normal intro? Well, this is the spin-off podcast. This is our big brother's little brother, as it were.

So this is where we take listener submissions. So you can send us anything you want, food, drink, people, song, film, animal, whatever you want, or any other category. You can go off-piste if you wish, and we'll talk about it. It's just a nice little nugget, and that's it, really. You can send your submissions to dixpod.com slash contact.

There's a little contact box in there. I say it each time, but you can go on there and you can say basically whatever you want. Just send us your choices for the desert island. You don't need to be restricted to the regular format. If you've got a different idea, just send it on there. Or you can follow us at Dickspod on Twitter or Instagram and send us your selections in the messages there. Dan, I rose and groaned.

No, rise and grind. Today I'm feeling chipper is what I'm getting to. And so I don't actually have a choice for the Death Island this week. Do you have a choice? You're feeling so good, there's nothing in the world that annoys you. I mean, it's an enviable position.

I mean, as the day progresses, it is early in the day. So as the day progresses, I'm sure I'll have some. And what I'll do is I'll make a note for next week, but I'm sorry. This week, just too happy, too at right with the world. Well, I'm feeling pretty good myself,

but I did write things down through the week that were getting on my tits. That's better, that's better. I will start doing that, yeah. This is a song choice, and it's one that, weirdly, i thought of in the morning i hadn't thought of it for years and it popped into my head and i thought god that was annoying when it was in the charts years ago and i remember working and it being on the radio all the time and just one of

those songs i just could not understand why people liked it and then you'd go out on friday night and it'd be playing as well and hated it and I thought God wasn't that a shit time I hope it doesn't get stuck in my head now I've thought about it and then later on same day I heard it on the radio

for the first time in ages and it's Loomy D do you remember Loomy D? How does it go? It's the one that goes uh oh uh oh

you know that one? da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da you know that one that is possibly one of the laziest bits of songwriting I fucking hate it so much and I've forgotten about it and like it's one of those

I remember like the first time hearing it on the radio going what the fuck is this and then people started playing it in clubs, and you go, no, wait, what? You're not supposed to like this. And there's no tune. It's like there's kind of just like a beat.

It's really sparse. The production's really sparse. Yes. It's so lazy. And her singing isn't very good. And it's just so... There's a lot of clapping in the background. It's just lazy. And her singing isn't very good. And it's just so... She's got a lot of clapping in the background. It's just really boring.

And yeah, I fucking hate it. That is a great choice. And it was one of those weird days where I felt like I'd accidentally manifested it because I kind of thought of it in the morning when I was getting ready and then I went into town and was at work and, yeah, I heard it on the radio. I was like, I can't believe this has happened. I'm so annoyed.

How did that pop into your head? I've no idea. I think, I don't know how it came into my head. I just remember thinking, God, that was an annoying song. I'm so glad. I remember how bad that was at the time and I'm glad I haven't heard it in real life for a long time. And then I did hear it.

And, you know, I don't mind the idea that, like, we're all living in a simulation. But if we are, then, like, why do I have to put up with this shit? The fact that you could think it in the morning is like, and then it come through. It's one of those strange things. It's like you might hear the radio and they're like, did you know octopuses are the most intelligent of the sea creatures? And then throughout the day, you'll hear the word octopus loads of times. You won't have heard it for ages. And then all of a sudden, it's like octopus are everywhere.

Get on the bus, there's an octopus sitting next to you. Well, they really are intelligent they've got an oyster card you get home and see bb's has started a new show about octopuses yeah and uh yeah anyway fascinating creatures though why am i talking about this i'm so sorry it's okay i think that's great choice that's really good dan thanks man yeah i think definitely going on the island for me do Do we have a listener submission, James? Yeah. Let's take this to you, the listeners.

Right. Dan, I'm very excited about this next email. Okay. Because this one comes from our listener, Dylan. Our young listener, Dylan. Yes. And he says, shall I read it to you? Yeah.

He says, dear Desert Island Dicks, I have three things that have peeved me off this week. Shall I read it to you? He says, Man. I just never... I still don't believe it, and I don't know why. No, but didn't... Was it Dylan's... Dylan's mum emailed us once, and I still didn't believe it. I thought he'd started a separate email

but then I went on her website or something. I can't quite remember, but yeah. I just need to learn to trust is I think the moral of this story. Let's hear from Dylan then. There was a teacher who told my friend off for drinking Diet Coca-Cola. It wasn't in a lesson or anything.

He was just on the way out of school when this karen teacher said that he was promoting diabetes and unhealthy drinking and not being courteous enough what was he supposed to do stick his little finger out like drinking tea might have made it slightly more courteous yeah That's quite a weird thing to get hit up about, though, isn't it, at school? I just think it's the end of the day. You've had a hard day as a teacher. Let it slide, man. That's probably exactly why they did call him out, though.

If you had to look after groups of 30, 13-year-olds throughout a day, several groups of them, I would be absolutely fuming dylan has three choices so his next choice is basically every freaking kid in my tutor in his tutor group i guess they are so aggravating and i assume that they make my teacher's life hell uh that maybe makes the first suggestion make more sense they are often late giving lame excuses like the bus was down when they were late all week they screen people's names at 9 000 decibels and have a combined iq of one if i was allowed i would punch 25 slash 30 kids in my tutor group it feels like dylan you are

just itching to grow up just to get out of school i feel like dylan was born at like the age of 40 you know what though school was fucking hard like you know there's loads of times like oh best years of your life and there's loads of things that about being a kid that were good but also being a grown-up it's like yeah there's still stuff i don't like doing and i have to work but at least i get paid for it now you know i come home i do have work to do as a parent but once that's done i ain't doing shit you know i'm doing exactly what i want i'm mixing up cocktails i'm doing my vat return it's just it's sweet it's a sweet sweet life. Dylan goes on to say his choice. Number three is a few people in my class follow the toxic chauvinistic woman abuser, Andrew Tate,

who was recently arrested in Romania. My putrid hate for him is self-explanatory. He has a worrying impact shaping young people's minds to abuse women. You're sincerely Dylan. Well, I think that't argue with that. That is an obvious choice. That is an obvious and fantastic choice. I just think it's interesting that most of your choices come from school this week, Dylan.

I'm interested to see what comes out next week. But do you know what? I basically found that school made me very angry a lot of the time, so I can empathise with that. I had mates, I had a good time with my friends but there was still a lot of aspects of school life that annoyed the crap out of me so dylan i i understand what you're going through men so don't worry but also bloody hell andrew tate i mean that's i've read articles about how like from teachers saying how like he's influenced kids and stuff.

But look, it seems like you're on the right side of things. So well done, Dylan, for having some common sense. And it does get better, so hang in there, man. Don't worry. Thank you, Dylan. It's at this point in the podcast, Dan, that we're going to throw to my dad. Now, his role within Compact Dicks is to let listeners know about previous episodes that they should potentially go and listen to so we've got over 220 episodes and so it can be hard to keep track of what goes on in which of the episodes he also has his finger on the pulse in what's going on

in comedy and radio etc at the minute and so he likes to make suggestions from that so here's a few from my dad john deacon hi james hi dan well great episode this week dan with comedian pierre novelli co-host of the bud pod with phil wang now my recommendations for this week are dane baptiste's episode now dane's been on twice so i'm talking about his first episode which came out in july 2020 and also Ben Bailey-Smith, a.k.a. Doc Brown's episode, which came out in September 2022. The reason for choosing those are somebody that keeps popping up on the news. And that is none other than Prince Andrew, who they both chose. A few years ago, I was waiting for a flight going on holiday,

and it's just as the news broke when Prince Andrew's story came out of him and Jeffrey Epstein. And I was chatting to somebody at the airport. A guy sitting opposite just turned around and said, are you talking about Prince Andrew? Sorry about that, bad Norfolk accent. I said, yeah, yeah. He said, I was in the Navy. He was a captain of my ship.

And he's a fucking arsehole. And that's all the guy said. So that's what springs to mind about Prince Andrew there. So those are a couple of good episodes. But also I'd like to recommend a little standalone episode back in May 2018. And it's a guy that keeps popping up on my Twitter feed. And at the moment he's got a YouTube clip of one of his shows. And that is a comedian called Red Richardson.

One of the people Red chose is Vladimir Putin. I hope that Vlad doesn't listen to his episode. Because he'll probably get some Novichok through the post. My recommendations for this week are. Dane Baptiste's episode bailey smith's episode and red richardson's episodes so i hope you enjoy cheers bye oh thanks for that as ever john that's wonderful just the calming steady hand of john deacon on the tiller there i feel like for our podcast he is like you go into a special room filled with scrolls and he is the elder monk sitting there surrounded by the wisdom

of the collected scrolls he has some like little semi-circle glasses perched on the very end of his nose yeah and as you enter the room he looks up from a scroll and he says welcome boys what would you like to know this week and we say we'd like to know podcasts with interesting music choices he says ah come over here and he climbs a ladder and slides across a bookcase pulls out a podcast and there it is like blows the dust off it here you go. This is what you need. Pulls down the hood from his cloak. Wait, it's James's dad. Surprise. But thank you for that, John. In my head, he's also tiny like Dobby from Harry Potter.

He like wizens around the room. But he's not. He's a full-sized man. He's a full-sized man. And he's a massive help to us. So thank you, as always, John, for your help there. Thank you, Pops. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hey, I've got a couple here from listener Aaron, and he has DM'd us on Twitter at DixPod, as you are also welcome to do. And he's got a couple here. So he says, okay, the first one might show me as being a bad person. So we're going to be the judge of that.

Okay, buckle up. Says the guy, always a guy who eats his lunch with chopsticks at work, regardless of what it is. You know the type, cardigan wearing clown. I work at the moment in an industrial part of Lancashire, not Manchester, Bohemian, Northern Quarter or Shoreditch. This one

fool in particular eats his fucking pasta with them. Not spaghetti or tagliatelle no fucking tubes or those wee twisty pastas. Eats his chicken strips slices of mango, whatever chopsticks, knob. Now I am actually wearing, I have actually got a cardigan here as well

and i'm going to shoreditch later as well what to just get the trifecta do you have um a set of chopsticks on your desk at the current not on my desk no but i do have lots upstairs uh i do use chopsticks quite a lot i I think the thing is here, Aaron, which is going to determine whether you're a bad person or not, is whether the person you're talking about is of Asian descent. And if they are, then you are a bad person because they're allowed to use chopsticks for everything. My cousin went to...

When she was young, she was learning Japanese and she had an exchange with a Japanese family. And to make her feel welcome, they bought her some cornflakes because they heard that's what she would eat for breakfast in Australia. But they ate them with chopsticks because that's just what they do. That's just their thing. But I think the fact that Aaron is calling out hipster parts of town would indicate we're talking about just a normal hipster

who's just being cool with his sticks. Yes, yes. Refusing to adhere to the conformity of a knife and fork and has found a route into being slightly more alternative by using chopsticks. Hey, call me sticks. Why do they call you that? They don't.

I just want them to call me sticks. So that's the first one from Aaron. Yeah, I think that's annoying though. It's two sort of like just deliberately trying to be different, you know, so fair enough. Stop being different, everyone. Conform and be the same. We don't respect alternative.

Or we don't respect individuality on this podcast. You must be exactly the same as everyone else. Otherwise, what's the bloody point? I'm only joking. But do with that what you will. Okay. Right. He goes on to say, this is a good one.

Please, please, please send these social media grifters to the island. Make it a cold and uninhabitable one too. Likes of the YouTube Twitch fucktarts. Fuckarts? Fucktarts. He says fucktarts at the end, but he spelled it fuckarts. Likes of the YouTube Twitch fucktarts that spin their BS about their Bugatti cars or multiple mansions with the promise drop with the promise

drop shipping scams or multi-level marketing universities will make desperate people's lives better is ruining already desperate lives which is fair I think there's yeah there's a certain kind of youtuber that it's just that sort of well flaflaunting young person or old person even that ends up promoting get-rich-quick schemes. And, yeah, it's just like a horrible side of things. I'm seeing it a lot on social media, TikTok, Instagram, and it's just it gives people unrealistic ambitions that, like, fair play. If you want to be ambitious, I think that's cool. But it's like people don't actually want to go and get regular jobs now because they're like why would i do that when

i could just do a few instagram videos uh am i going down the wrong route no i think that's true i was going to say also like even if you don't subscribe to their kind of lifestyle it just makes you feel like poorer or something even if you're sort of happy you go oh i see all these people with these fucking amazing cars and houses and stuff like oh right am i the only one without all this stuff which is obviously completely nonsense but i don't think it's good for the collective psyche of the world is it sort of all that kind of stuff i mean like i think it influences people from a young age like my daughter said to me the other day when when are we going to live in a YouTuber mansion? Oh, my God.

She thinks that that one day might come from having watched people on YouTube. And you pulled her onto your lap and you said, when hell freezes over, my darling. I pulled her onto my lap and I said, if this podcast keeps going the way it is, it could be a year or two. Buckle up, we're going in. No, Daddy is in a lot of financial

worry. But other than that... Yeah, but that's it. She's like, what? Seven? Six? Seven? Yeah, seven, yeah. I know, it's worrying. It's probably my fault for letting her watch so much of YouTube. Anyway. Well, I think that's been put beautifully. Thank you for your submissions, worrying it's probably my fault for letting her watch so much of youtube but anyway well well i think that's been put beautifully um thank you for your submissions guys from uh dylan and aaron and

for you you other listeners if you want to get in touch just do it whenever you want you can you know if something just comes to you and you don't have time to write it down just just fire off a tweet at dixpod or find us on Instagram also at Dick's Pod or go online Dickspod.com slash contact and these are the places to go, that's it really and we're going to be back on Monday oh we've got next week, we've got a special week

haven't we? Oh yeah, we've got a really good week, can I just, before we go into next week can I just say how good this week's episode was I thought it was outstanding both you and Pierre were were on fire start to finish and i absolutely loved this week's episode so uh if you haven't listened to that already go and have a listen but yes not to trample on what you were saying next week we've got a special week it's the brits at the end of next week we're going to do some music related stuff a compilation, and a special episode with a special guest.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that. Me too, yeah, really exciting. Okay, well, thank you to everyone who's downloaded, and that's it, I think, so bye. Oh, let me just check something, actually. No, no, no, that's fine. Bye. Bye.

Bye. no no no that's fine bye