Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 3

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

The dicks have come in! And Dan and James dish them back out. Submit yours today to dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Dan. Hmm. What have you got to say for yourself? Let's just get straight into it, yeah?

Shall we? Sorry, is that what you meant by your setup of what have i got to say for myself or do you want a general like me i don't want to know how you are just tell me about the dicks if you want to hear about my day i'm just going to tell you about my boiler breaking so fast forward let's get stuck in some dicks listen that's what we're here for we're here to read out the listeners dicks that. That's what Compact Dicks is all about. So let's just get stuck into it. Oh, yeah.

This is from Nicola. Oh, great. She says, she's listened to this podcast from the start, so given this much thought, I'm on my third iteration of dicks. That's what I like to hear because, you know, we've both done it and I still have plenty of dicks I'd like to put in. Come on, Nicola. Okay, she has three here.

It says, number one, Graham Souness, irrelevant and rude. Yeah. I don't know anything about football. He's a football person, isn't he? Yeah. He's a football person. So I'm going to have to take your lead on this one. She's right, yeah.

Okay. Okay, James Martin, the TV chef. Oh, you like chefs. I love chefs, yes. She says, he acts like he'd be your mate, but would sack you off as soon as someone better came along. Also, the Yorkshire obsession. I live in Yorkshire and marry the Yorkshireman,

and I find it tedious. Yes. I think... That is good. For meames martin is like one of those chefs that i i just never believe that he's a proper chef like there's something about him like he's not convincing i don't know what it is like i remember seeing him making eclairs once he was like oh when i trained in paris and i was a patissier in Paris. And I'm like, you were never... He probably was, but I find it really hard to believe. There's just something really not believable about him.

Yeah, I feel like James Martin, like on a Saturday, maybe he's on a Sunday morning now, I used to just like put it on and I'm telling you, zero vibe. He's got zero vibe about him. You just put it on and it's like, why it is this? There's a sort of whiff of TK Maxx about him and I can't... I don't know what it is. It's just a bit low end.

There is quality in there if you're prepared to search for it. Yeah. But, you know, I just... Her third choice, and I'm really into this, Greg Wallace. The two Gs, because he spells his name with two Gs. Did she write that? yeah that's great because he's Greg

out of a five letter name three of those letters are G I've never noticed before how he acts like he knows everything about food when he doesn't I would not respect anything he had to say to me also the topless pics he keeps

posting now he's on a fitness kick make me want to be sick in my mouth no i've not seen those right what else she got to say uh no that's it she says that's my shortened version i could go on and on oh nice i like that but uh she said that felt good to get off my chest so thank you and you know what nicolette thank you because because often it can feel like it's a very negative pursuit sometimes, but I think it balances out by the offloading of negativity, and if that can spread some positivity... I've been recording a lot of these recently, and I'm quite aware of how much negativity I'm putting into the world,

so every time I can see that there's a counter argument that is actually positive that's quite good for me and my soul so i appreciate that what have you got james um all right sharon has sent me this and i think this is quite good actually sharon has said my worst nightmare and truly my biggest dick is when you're shopping in a high street and you hear them before you see them fucking pan pipes oh nice she said these pan pipe imposters probably only live a bus ride away if i had my way i'd drown every set of pan pipes in the world imagine sunbathing on an island chilling sipping coconut cocktails listening to the waves gently lapping and then you hear the fucking pan pipes i drown myself or swim to the next island the end love shaz thanks jazz i've got one here from sam

and it's a musical nomination it's andrew lloyd weber um sam regular correspondent to the podcast it is yes it is um yes sam so he says it's not only because the melted faced shit wagner is not only an arsehole it's also because i'm training to be a secondary school music teacher and i will inevitably have to endure thousands of kids over my career who are enthusiastic about his works which all make my bone marrow vomit oh my god which I think is amazing

Andrew Lloyd Webber I mean we've said on the podcast before how musicals are just sort of they're kind of weirdly inexplicable like they sort of make sense at the time when they're made and then the longer the more time that passes them the more the time that passes the weirder and stranger they get like the idea of cats now is just such a weird musical

you know i mean it's almost like well it's made in the 80s and no one else had anything else to watch so then it was okay there was a time a few years ago when the conservative party were trying to get through lots of cuts um to working class people and and they really needed to get the vote through so they needed everyone every conservative lord to vote in the right way to get these cuts through so andrew lloyd weber having never really voted on anything else flew over from New York where he lives just to vote on this policy and I'm like if you're doing that I mean that's just I mean at least if you're voting all the time to do whatever but if you just go I'm just going to vote on this one thing and I'm going to fly all the way to New York just so I can make a lot of people worse off I think yeah I think yeah that's

it I think that counts get on an island yeah you're on a fucking island mate I think they're some solid dicks and I think I appreciate everyone that's gotten in touch with those and please do keep them coming in we love reading them dickspod.com

slash contact there's a little form on there fill it out as little or as much information as you like um we love your funny stories especially if you've met someone in real life that's always good um keep them coming in yeah um last week i pitched for i wanted technology themed dicks because um i was having a rant about Steve Jobs and Apple because things like, you know, you do an update on your phone. Like I updated my phone last week and now it keeps telling me I've got a voicemail when I haven't all the time. Things like that, you know, just annoying stuff where you're like, why do you even have to change anything? I can't see anything that's actually made it better unless you're really digging into the functions.

And Rebecca has got in touch and she says my technology dick is cookies every fucking website and you're five seconds into reading something and then bang a pop-up about cookies that no one cares about that's got in the way of whatever you're trying to do double dick points if viewing on a smartphone nice smartphone dick cookies it's true it became a thing like with the gdpr thing and then all of a sudden now you've just got to tick cookies and i'm always just hitting yes they could literally be saying you know sign your life away and i just hit yes every time because i want to read what's on there i know that's the thing it's like i know that at the heart of it there's a good thing because it's trying to be more kind of clear and transparent about what

they do but when you have to click it on every website you ever visit it's kind of meaningless yeah it's true yeah i know i just have also have no idea what i'm actually saying yes to and no one's reading the terms and conditions are they oh no because there's like 40 pages of them and like um you know i've got five minutes on the toilet to read something interesting while i have a bit of an escape from being a parent for a minute you know i don't have time to read the terms and conditions of the cookies and also they're called cookies you know like i hate these things that like obviously designed by really geeky people somewhere and they're like oh we're just gonna call them cookies that's fun or like easter eggs

it's like yeah yeah no yeah don't care fucking cunt boxes oh, we're just going to call them cookies. That's fine. Or like Easter eggs. Yeah. No, yeah. Don't care. Call them fucking cunt boxes. Yes, every time. That is much better. Much better. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

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Wow, I've really started slow, but I've opened up. Dan, I've got one. And this is from Emzo Lorenzo. I don't know if that's her real name or not. But she got in touch with us via Instagram. And if people out there have Instagram and like the occasional posting of a press photo that I found of a comedian online,

then follow us on Instagram, at Dickspod. We also do a similar thing on Twitter, but with more links. And that's at Dickspod as well, so follow us on there. If you like your activity sparse and stolen from the internet, follow us at Dick's Pod. Right, so Emzo Lorenzo has messaged me and said,

I don't know if this counts as a technology, Dick, but once I went to my friend's house this year. We were both in our 30s okay so recent i thought we were going to watch a movie and have wine but what actually happened was him playing zombie games on playstation completely unaware of the boredom that consumed me playstation dicks that let their that their gaming take over their life and relationships can go on the island yeah man yeah having to watch someone else play a game is is excruciating i mean at least if it's something where you can take turns or something or if it's like but yeah just watching someone plow through a game

is awful and it's something like in your 30s as well as that should be long gone i know but also like just that lack of awareness that the other person is just sat there watching you play it and may not be into it because what else would you do like you wouldn't make someone watch you play darts for two hours or something or like any other game like snooker or like just any other physical activity or like any game you wouldn't go hey watch me do this i'm really good at this i'm going to talk you through exactly how i'm going to do this thing watch me watch me kick a ball into that goal like that would be mental yeah yeah watch me do this but like just completely

unaware that it's boring the other person to death um emzo lorenzo goes on to give us a second can she have it yeah yep she says do you know when you ask a technology dick for advice on something like a quick way to stream something or a quick way to save all your stuff from your phone or something to get it working faster just general advice on something and they talk at you like oh it's easy just download this or just go to this website and they make it sound so simple for you to do but all you really want them to do is just do it for you yeah yeah yeah that's like the sort of grown-up equivalent of when you're like mom can you help me with my maths homework and she's like no you have to understand how to do it yourself and just has to make you figure it out with her and you're like just put

the fucking answers down so i could go and watch telly please dan i feel like they were very good they were good they were strong i'm glad that people are finding this nice outlet for their own dicks because it's it's it's positive i feel i feel happy to facilitate i have got one final message and that this is from uh now regular correspondent to this podcast fs komodo who says hey hey guys i just want to say thanks for the shout out and also for another awesome couple of episodes of the podcast. All the best, FSComodo. And that's it.

Wow, just a nice thing. Not even calling anyone a dick. Not calling us a dick. Wow. Man, I feel like I'm living the high life. This is good. Do you know what? People could get in touch.

If they do want us to call them a dick, they could just message their name and we'll call them a dick on the podcast. Yeah, we could have like a roll call at the end. Yeah, just send your name. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, so that's a load of dicks that we've had from you guys.

Now, I just want to do a little pitch for next week's, if that's okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So for next week, I would like to like to pitch for okay so this isn't going to make me look great but this is the point of it this is dicks that make you feel like a dick right so i'll explain so people that basically are doing you know you're not really supposed to not like them and you not liking them you're the one in the wrong okay okay so okay so my example

would be gareth malone right of the choir the choir guy yeah uh because i think that everyone involved in those programs is a nice person who deserves a distraction and a bit of empowerment. You know, the people like people who work in the NHS or like soldiers, wives, people, you know, like worthy, good people who've had a hard time. And there's you know, it's a really lovely thing to be uplifted, maybe get a Christmas number one, get on the telly. You know, this is all positive stuff and I have nothing against them. But I feel like Gareth Malone is sort of, I think there's something behind it. I think he's like, that's his whole career though, isn't it?

It's not like he kind of went, right, I'm going to take these hard workers from the NHS, turn you into a choir and then that's me. I'm your producer now forever. It's like, all right, done that that where's the next lot of vulnerable people right where's my next tv special coming from all right where's my next christmas number one do you know what i mean and i just feel like for them it's like a nice interesting distraction and something to sort of you know make them feel like positive and empowered He's just off to the next lot.

And he's like, you know, where do you end up after this? What now for the prisoners that are still in prison, although they sang in his choir? Yes, OK. Do you know what I mean? Because they're getting something out of it then, but then he's sodded off and he's like, right, now I'm going to do, like, unemployed lollipop ladies or something.

And he's like, I don't know, he's going right now i'm gonna do like unemployed lollipop ladies or something and he's like yeah i don't know he's gonna find another group and i just think he's like he's just sort of there's something you know that is his living basically and i just think me saying that i feel like a real dick i can see from your face you're not quite into this i just like very cool i genuinely feel like a dick and and i'm sorry and it's my i'm the dick i'm the bad person because he's a nice guy he's doing good stuff i'm just hosting a podcast about hating people i'm i'm a bad person here yeah yeah yeah i'm with you i think it's like this is the thing so it's like people you're not supposed to like you know maybe you think mother theresa was was a mean piece of work i don't know just just that sort of thing. People you're not supposed to not like.

I like the idea that Gareth Malone is more calculated than maybe it would seem. Because look, at some point he's sitting in a boardroom with a load of TV executives and they go, Gaz, what's going to be the next one? And they're pitching different groups of disadvantaged

people and they're weighing it up deciding who the program is going to be made about this is right so if you take it back to the boardroom that is a conversation that's happening this is true okay this is good i think people people must have loads of these yeah yeah definitely there's loads of like good worthy people that annoy you but we're the dicks for saying it well Well, I'm the dick for saying this. Yeah, no, this is good. We'll see what comes in.

We'll see what comes in. Please. How do people write to us? Because I haven't got the email address in front of me. People need to send. Send us your choices for Desireland dicks to dickspod.com slash contact. That's it. Just send them there.

And that's it, man. Yeah. I'm going to sift through the wreckage of this plane and try and find something disgusting to eat and then maybe we could watch

a shit film or something but it's probably time for us to go so thank you for listening everybody follow us at Dickspod

on Instagram and Twitter and you know what would be really nice is if you subscribe like and leave us a rating and a review pod on instagram and twitter and you know what would be really nice is if you uh subscribe like and leave us a rating and a review bye bye I'll see you next time.