Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 33

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

WE NEED YOU! The boys are back in town and we're in need of YOUR submissions for the podcast, head over to dickspod.com/contact and let us know who and/or what you'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island - nothing is off limits. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. The internet, James. It may have brought us all manner of political toxicity and outrageous pornography,

but at least it has allowed us, me and you, James Deacon, to sit here and record another classic episode of Compact Dicks. Oh, that's nice. How are you doing? I love that. That was really good. I'm fine. How are you? Yeah, I'm all right, you know. Not too bad. It's nice to be back doing this, though, isn holy moly it's been a while it's been a while and the reason for that is uh we're disorganized lazy men yeah we've got no no i wouldn't say that was entirely true we've got we are disorganized and lazy but we we've got some more people to worry about. We're all so busy and tired.

But here we are, we're back, and I'm glad to be back talking to you so we can present this episode of Compact Dicks and share with the listeners choices of their fellow listeners for the desert island. I'm not explaining myself very well at all. Dan, why don't you tell the people what this is okay compact dicks it's your chance you the listener it's your chance to tell us who and what you think is a dick it's just a little nugget of listener submitted content and uh because

you know why should why should the well-known comedians get all the get all the say yeah okay yeah and uh we'd like to start this off if you haven't listened to one before with some choices of our own just to just to like light the fire just to light the touch paper and get some things off of our chest so Dan what would you like to put on the island this week now sometimes in compact dicks we say that people can go off off piste a little bit it doesn't have to be a category that we do in the podcast um i would like to nominate the car park at lewisham hospital because i've been there a few times like when my son was born and he was in the hospital for a couple of weeks when he was born and he's just had to go back in the last couple of days for

some breathing issues but he's all right but the problem is you're always in quite a heightened state when you visit a hospital aren't you and this car park it's quite a big hospital it's quite a small car park so they've done their best to like add in extra spaces to the point which it's impossible to get your car out of it like you park in a space you go off to the hospital you come back you're feeling a bit tender from it all and like you can't get out and i was stuck in this fucking space and i had to go and pick up my other son from school and i was thinking i'm gonna have to call someone and get him get like another parent to pick him up because i can't i tried for about 10 minutes and eventually a guy who was in another space went oh look i can see you're struggling i'll move my car so there's a space

then you can back into that and then i'll repark because i just there was not enough turning room i felt like you know austin powers you know in that scene when he's just like stuck between yeah yeah and even when this guy moved it still took me about it was like a million point turn and that's being conservative with it okay the other person is like a subcategory of this there was also a guy next to me who could have moved and didn't but kept pointing out helpfully that i was scraping my bumper on the curb and i was like yeah i fucking know that move your fucking car wow and they're just sat there just like he's just sat there watching this happen and not he's just sat there watching it happen so he's also a dick but the bigger dick is lewisham hospital car park i like that you've put lewisham hospital car park

um what i will just caveat with saying that i know that you're a fantastic driver dan so like you like uh the fact that you struggled to get out means that it is a real issue i don't know if i'm fat i mean i've got quite a long car and it doesn't help but there was just no you know like there's just no way and i just luckily if this person hadn't moved i would have just had to walk home and like get someone else to pick my son up i love that uh you said to me i'm gonna get this car to prove that you don't have to get a cash guy and to be a family car and you're struggling to use this car. Oh, like, you know, it's just, yeah, just funny.

Oh, Dan, that's good. I've been in a similar experience, but like there's a lot of reasons why a hospital car park is going. You're bringing ill people to hospital. I don't want to like carry around like 12 quid worth of change so i can like park to take an ill person into hospital i'm like what the fuck is this system my mum's a nurse and she goes in she's a cancer nurse she needs to get to her job on time she struggles to park at her own at her own place of work and she drives around for ages looking for

a stressful parking space i'm like give people a fucking break, man. I know, I know. It's fucking awful. I've got a dent on the back of my car, which wasn't at the hospital car park, but it was on an afternoon where I had been at the hospital all day. And I just think, whenever you've been in a hospital environment,

chances are your mind is elsewhere and you're not doing great driving. So make the spaces big enough to get a car out of anyway at a minimum at a minimum um james what about you what's been getting what's been grinding your gears this week well it's not grinding my gears so much as um i feel like mine is going to be more specific to the island and i was thinking about like someone that i wouldn't want to be stuck with and it's not a specific person but more someone you must have these people in your life where they remind you of stupid shit that you have done so like you always have a mate that's been like oh do you

remember that one time where you took all your clothes off and then you started eating change from a bucket and you're like well yeah but i i don't actually want to remember that so don't remind me of that time or do you or like do you remember that time where you like ate a coin so you could get a free part yes i don't actually want to remember that time there's two examples of you eating coins it was a thing i did for a while we'll talk about another time um it was like a party trick but now i think it's giving why don't they call him the parking meter because they stand at lewisham car park with so yeah that there's that but then also this is a dual carriageway of embarrassment because alongside that it's also when you get reminded of things that you don't really want to

remember so much and like for example there was a period of time when I was very much into like an like emo music right and so um I was doing something the other day and someone mentioned a band and I was just like full well knowing that I know this band I know who they are I probably know some of the members names I probably they are i probably know some of the members names i probably know the song titles and some of the lyrics but i'm sat there being like oh yeah don't really know if i remember them and then they're like oh yeah you remember them and then they put the song on and i'm like i can sing every lyric in my head and i'm just so embarrassed in myself that i remember that so anything if you were stuck on the island and anything like that that just reminds you of like cringe inducing moments in your life that's what

I wouldn't want to be stuck with at the moment because I think our brains naturally do this a bit anyway don't they like you know when you're lying in bed at night and you have that thing where like all your awful thoughts come back to you and it's always the cringy ones but like if you actually had the personification of that side of your brain just sitting there on an island with you just yeah fuck that shit yes please

right so that's it from us it's at this midway point that we always go to my dad John Deacon for some suggestions and he's got some lovely suggestions hi James hi Dan well it's quite a while since you last recorded an episode of Compact Dicks. And I'd just like to say, Dan, what a brilliant selection of guests you've had on since then.

Now, the other evening I was watching Live at the Apollo and one of our previous guests who's been on Desert Island Dicks was appearing. And so I thought I'd just have a quick look through Live at the Apollo's guest list I was quite surprised actually because I made a little little list of people that have actually been on Desert Island Dicks and the people that have been on Live Apollo so firstly we've got Stephen K Amos, Cindy V, Zoe Lyons, Callie Beaton, Kay Curd, Angela Barnes, Sarah Keyworth, Esther Manito,

Maisie Adams, Geoff Norcott, Shappi Korsandi, Dane Baptiste, Reginald D. Hunter, Tim Renko, Tez Ilias, Laura Lex,

Marlon Davis, Ahir Shah, and Sarah Barron, to name but a few. And I'm sure there's been quite a few more that have been on Desert Island Dicks that have also been on Live at the Apollo. So what I suggest is go back to the back catalogue, have a good old listen to Desert Island Dicks,

and you can catch loads of these comedians on Live at the Apollo and see them live. You will be surprised, and it's absolutely brilliant. So that's my recommendations for this week. The guests that have been on Live at the Apollo and guests that have been on Desert Island Dicks. So cheers. Bye. Thank you for that as ever, John. Another fine selection of previous episodes to pull out,

to pluck from the dick's tree and have a little listen to so i urge you to follow up his recommendations there's a lot in the back catalog to get stuck into and uh thank you very much john thank you dad james we have gathered here to hear a listener submission yeah let's hear this week's listener submission okay this comes in from mark hi guys wanted to put forth a submission for your awesome pod for a person I would hate to be stuck on the desert island with. That person would be none other than the renowned jackass Steve-O. Mmm. Part of the reason why, and maybe it's just me,

is I tend to think that anyone who's added O to the end of their name is likely a tosser to begin with. Yeah. who's added O to the end of their name is likely a tosser to begin with. If Desert Island Dicks had a host named Dan O or James O, I likely would have thought, no thanks, definitely a tosser, moving on. And never listened to it. Thankfully, that wasn't the case.

By the way, I looked up how Stephen Glover got his nickname Steve-O. And in his own words from an online interview, he says, So yeah, kind of backs up my point about tossers having added an O in some obscure kind of way. Now, I'm all good for practical jokes. point about tossers having added an O in some obscure kind of way. Now I'm all good for practical jokes, always tuned in to candid camera Jeremy Beadle back in the day, but there's a big difference between pulling a practical joke on someone and being the kind of sadistic prick that takes enjoyment from inflicting pain on another person. It's fair to say Steve-O falls into the latter category. You just know that it

would only be a matter of time before you were the brunt of his twisted sense of humour if stuck on the island with him. Imagine this, you're fast asleep on your palm leaf bed when you start dreaming of pain down below. Before you know it, you're sitting bolt upright screaming at the top of your lungs as your dream shatters and becomes a real life nightmare. You look down, face twisted in thrones of agony,

to see a snapping turtle clamped onto your crotch. Tears stream down your face as, in panic, you try to unclamp the jaws of the turtle. Seconds seem like minutes until you're finally able to prise open the turtle's mouth and throw it to one side. Then you just shake and sob due to the pain and trauma. And there, in the distance, through eyes full of tears, you catch a glimpse of Steve-O doubled over laughing hysterically. Just like he laughed when you drank direct from the coconut that he gave you only to discover the water had actually been replaced with his urine.

Just like he laughed when that tree branch slammed into the back of your head, seemingly out of nowhere, giving you concussion. Just like he laughed when... Just like he laughed when playing Bohemian Rhapsody at full blast every time you fell asleep the other night. Yeah, Steve-O is the last person I'd want to be forced to co-inhabit a desert island with. He's a true desert island dicks. Keep up the great work on the pod. Best wishes, Mark.

Lovely stuff, Mark. Beautifully written. And yeah, I think I agree with every single bit of that. It would be... You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. You just couldn't relax with Steve-O around. I think the other thing is like, he's had quite a dark past as well hasn't he so and i just think like he'd either be kind of telling you a lot of mad stories where you're like right are you okay mate why why are you like this you know or just like things it'd start off

like oh that's really funny you and johnny knoxville you're going to las vegas and then the next bit you're like oh that's that's that's awful Steve-O like yeah I don't think you should have done that like maybe that's a bad thing that happened yeah and was the sex worker okay afterwards like you know just lots of like just stuff that started out funny and got really dark I feel like one day you'd be having a breakthrough with him and he was like you know what I'm gonna drop this whole charade and like I'm just gonna try and be mean but that's great you know let's try and like work on this together and then the next day he'd just be pranking the hell out of you again and back to square one steve-o also he's gonna be the first one to completely lose their mind on the island

right yeah he's already unhinged so it's just like you're trying to stay on an even keel and like perhaps get off one day and you'd look around he's just like flinging his own shit around and just like that is a fantastic choice thank you very much mark so yeah thank you for that submission and if anyone else wants to get in touch you are always welcome to you can go to dixpod.com slash contact with your submissions. Now, often at the end of the podcast, you might hear me mention Chris Attaway, who sometimes does editing work for us.

You can tell the episodes he works on because they're the ones that are edited properly. And the other day he sent us this. He'd been on ChatGPT. Is that what it's called? Yeah, ChatGPT, yeah. The AI. And he got ChatGPT to write an episode of Desert Island Dicks podcast.

Oh, so funny. So here it is. Here's how it starts. Welcome to another episode of the Desert Island Dicks podcast, where we talk to some of the most interesting people in the world and ask them which items they would take with them to a deserted island. So straight away, it's kind of good in tone, but got the premise wrong. Today, our guest is none other than the legendary rock star Alice Cooper.

So, I mean, got the premise wrong, but they've booked one hell of a guest. Yeah, it's great. So, you know, it's kind of one-all, me versus computer at the minute. Alice, welcome to the show. We're thrilled to have you here. Thanks for having me, guys. It's great to be here, says Alice. So, Alice, if you were stranded on a desert island, which three items would you bring with you? Again, wrong premise, but Alice says, well, the first item I would bring is my guitar. I can't imagine being on a deserted island without my trusty guitar.

Music is a huge part of my life, and I think it would help me stay sane and keep me entertained. And that's it. And then I asked for the second and third item. It's very snappy. It's a very short podcast. It's quite good, though. Alice Cooper doesn't actually play the guitar, though, does he?

No, I don't think he plays the guitar. He's just a front man, isn't he? So, yeah. I think, Dan, I mean, don't be too worried. I think you just about pip the computer in the end. It's just what's scary is that that AI has written that from nothing. Like, it has nothing to go off. And it's, like, it's scarily like a podcast.

It's like the setup is there, then into the first question, then a response. It's not far off. I'm a bit worried because as a middle-class white man, you know, I've only got a few options available to me. You know, like, I like craft beer, but it makes me too gassy. I don't know enough about numbers to do crypto. Podcasting is basically, basically like my only option.

And if ChatGPT, if some fucking computer comes along and snatches it away from me, what the hell am I going to do? Yeah, you'll start then. Yeah, that's hilarious. Well, thank you, Chris. That is really fun. I enjoyed that. Maybe we'll post it on our socials so you can read the whole thing.

We could do that. That's the professional thing to do isn't it yeah so head over to that that's another great throw to you can also submit uh suggestions for compact dicks on instagram or twitter at dicks pod you can indeed so send us them and we'll be back with another compact dicks very soon thank you dan and this week i'm I'm going to say love you, bye. Love you too, bye.