Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 34

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

It's like Desert Island Dicks but shorter! And this time YOU'RE the guest! Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine. And disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. dan do you know what we never do at the start of these podcasts is um we just don't take a moment to take in our surroundings i use a i use like a theme music that is like me and you're on a desert island and we never really ever acknowledge that but maybe that's just the thing that we never talk about i thought you're gonna say you never take a minute to acknowledge the room that you spend all your waking life in working from home but of course no sorry theater of the mind yeah we're on a desert island uh yeah we're on a desert island yeah it's all right here yeah um pity about all the dicks

i love i love that i think that's it i think that's enough that's gold i don't even want to acknowledge the island there you go hey but what it is what it is, what it is, it's Compact Dicks. If you've just joined us and you're thinking, hey, who are these guys? Where's the guest? Well, you are the guest, dear listener, because this is where we take submissions from you people. You know, you can send them in. You can email dickspod.com forward slash contact.

You don't even need to say forward slash. You can just say slash contact. You don't even need to say forward slash. You can just say slash contact. And submit your... It could be a person, a thing, song, food, drink, film, animal. Or it can just be an inanimate object. Whatever you like. Whatever you want, man. It could be a concept. We've got some great emails this week as well.

But before we get into those, Dan, have you got a choice for the island this week from your own personal... Stash. Stash stash yeah and do you know what james i can't believe i haven't brought this up before because as soon as i thought about it i was like these people have annoyed me forever and i think other people will feel feel the same okay my choice for someone who would be a nightmare to be on the island with is people who rap at you. Oh, this is good. You know when there's someone who's a poet or a rapper and you haven't asked to hear it, but they just start.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me spit you some lyrics. I'll spit you a few bars. And you're like, no, no, don't do that. It's the most horrendously embarrassing thing even if they're really good I thought it makes me cringe to my fucking soul so um I've got a good quick story about that so uh not that long ago it was my brother's 30th birthday party and me and a good friend Jason were going to sort the music out so we sorted out the music system and we turned up and my brother and a bunch of his mates are there so we're setting up the um equipment and one of my

brother's mates comes over and he's like boys boys uh you got a mic in there and they were like no no i don't have a mic he was just like oh yeah i wish you had a mic because i could spit some bars and we were like uh me and jason were like oh well we don't have a mic so it's fine so jason puts music on it's a bit like Garage or drum and bass. And we just see him across the room. He's like, I know that inside the arena. And he's doing it to me and Jason and looking at us. All we can do is stare at our feet because I'm like,

I do not want to acknowledge that this is happening. Where do you look? You have to just stare at your feet and sort of nod a bit like, yeah, for real. Fresh. And it's awful. Like I remember being at work and there's someone that, uh, someone did it to me at work.

And we were in like the downs, like the, in like a secluded area at work. And we were chatting about whatever. And he starts rapping at me. And I just remember thinking, what if someone sees us like they're gonna think that we're like that i'm gonna go next that this is like oh on lunch breaks we come down here and rap this is like please please finish soon please finish soon what if someone sees us yeah like i was you guys come down here on

your lunch break and hang out and rap do you like no we don't i'm not i don't oh so i love that love that that's really what to be clear i like you know i like hip-hop you know i like the art of rapping i like all of these things i'm less keen on emceeing when i'm i like drum and bass if i wish i would like it if they sort of knew their place a little bit more than they do yeah oh god all of these things. I'm less keen on emceeing when I'm, I like drum and bass. I wish, I would like it if they sort of knew their place a little bit more than they do.

Oh God. I mean like, it's not about you. Do you know what I mean? Like there's someone on the stage and they're trying to hype up the crowd.

I get it, you've got a job to do but I'm like, just, you don't need to talk the entire time. Yeah, can you let the music

breathe a little bit please? Look. I like this. It's a very specific rant and i love that that's an excellent choice thank you james do you have a a submission for this week yeah i've got i've got a personal choice and it's something that i thought about earlier this week i was watching tv or the tv was just kind of on in the background uh my choice this week is michael ball oh nice so i there's just something about michael ball that just strikes fear into me the thing is i just feel like right and i could be wrong here

it's just like he's just something about him just doesn't seem genuine to me and so like i saw him on the tv and he's just like being like the nicest guy ever. And I'm sure he is. There's something just gives me the feeling like there's maybe something he's hiding within there. He does seem really nice, but maybe you can sort of imagine him screaming at like a stagehand a little bit. Exactly. Like, I think he would be nice to start off with and positive but he could just switch at any minute do you know i mean i could imagine him just like being like uh yeah like you said

at some underling i ordered a macchiato and chucking it in his face you know i mean that kind of thing yeah yeah also i just think there's something really weird about that style of music it's just like because it's not opera but it's not like it's not easy listen like what is it it's just sort of like very safe it's like very sort of royal variety show very sort of middle england isn't it it's very like safe music i don't know it's just also i just find that cringe inducing whenever he like does a performance on tv yeah he would be one to like shut his eyes and really feel the performance that he's doing on the one show do you know i mean yeah i think you know when you remember stuff from when you were young and you don't know whether it was on

all the time or if it just was on a lot one week and you've just remembered it for your entire childhood like i swear like for like about five years of my youth in the 80s, he was always on telly singing Love Changes Everything. Like, always. Why? I don't know. I just feel like he was always there. I don't know.

So, yeah, so just for that alone, you can get on the fucking line. Okay, Dan, it's at this point in the podcast. I can't believe we're already there but this is the point where um we go to my dad john deacon for his recommendations for previous episodes of the podcast that he's enjoyed and that you should listen to so let's have a listen to uh john deacon hi james hi dan well some great episodes dan since we last recorded um you've got ali bryce kwan wen wang ollie horn and olaf falafel olaf falafel even the name makes me laugh check them out on youtube they're brilliant now just recently i've been listening to

a comedy series on radio 4 by olga koch called okay computer now olga is a computer scientist she chose one of her favorite members from a band also she chose her dad and one of the main reasons that she wouldn't like to be stuck with her dad was because basically she'd want to get it on with her favorite band member now my next recommendation is a comedian Jeff Norcott now I've been listening to a podcast by Geoff, which is called What Most People Think. Now, he's had some great guests on there, and some of them have been on our pod. One in particular that I'd like to draw attention to is Ian Dale. Ian was on the pod quite a few years ago.

If I remember correctly, he actually approached James and asked to be on the pod because he actually liked it. His episodes are brilliant. He chose Jamie Oliver Madley and AC Grayling who is a like a philosopher and I've actually heard AC Grayling on the radio and Christ Almighty nearly fell asleep listening to him what a bore Jeff Norcott himself I've seen him in Edinburgh and I've also got tickets to see him in September so if you've got a chance to catch his show it's highly recommended he's great he's Jeff my recommendations for this week are Olga Cox episode now Olga was on on the 30th of March 2020 Ian Dale's episode which was on the 9th of June 2018 and Jeff Norcott's episode which is on the 10th of January 2022 so hope you enjoy cheers bye thank you John there for your wonderful guidance and choice cuts and even including the date and everything so it's really easy to find if you want to. So yeah, well-researched as always, John.

Thank you. Traybon, thank you very much, Dad. Dan, have you got a choice from an actual listener who listens to the podcast that sent us a lovely email? I have, James, because this is what Compact Dicks is all about. And this is from Richard. And it's a beautiful piece of work here. Richard says, love the podcast.

Ever since listening to the first episode, I have known who would be my biggest dick Adam Woodyat aka Ian Beale oh yeah nice I like this many years ago as a student I was working part-time in a well-known pizza restaurant in my hometown the dick Woodyat was appearing in the town's pantomime and came in with the Z-list cast for pizza. I was their waiter. Part of the uniform included our name badge, so he knew my name. I started to take the order, writing down on my pad what

the Dicks wanted. None of them wanted anything straightforward from the menu, but I was keeping up and writing down their specific requirements. It was then that the Dick Woodyat pipes up. Hold on everybody, I think we need to slow down as I don't think Richard has mastered how to write yet. All said with a

stupid smirk on his face to titters from his adoring cast members. I took it like a pro. Got their order into the kitchen and they got their stupid pizzas. I've never forgotten it. Hated him ever since and loved it when Phil Mitchell flushed Ian Beale's head down the loo on his vendors. Thank you for letting me get this

off my chest. My wife hopes it will stop me going on about how much I hate him all these years later. I doubt it. He will always be a dick in my mind. With Amex Platinum, you can really be in the now. Access to Resi Priority Notify. Yes. 4 p.m. checkout with fine hotels and resorts booked through Amex Travel. We needed this. And dedicated card member entrances at select events. Let's go.

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com oh richard that's superb oh that is really good i love that oh i like that he saw ian beale getting his head flushed down the toilet and felt some kind of redemption yeah so good i hate it when people use people's name tags it's like it feels if you've ever worn a name tag and they do it it feels like a real affront like i know this is written here but like you're really stepping into my space by using my name yeah i know what you mean i used to work at a cinema and occasionally someone would be i remember very specifically occasion where um i couldn't i couldn't use a 50 pound note that guy brought in we weren't allowed to use them because there was

loads of fraudulent 50 pound notes at the time i remember the guy using my name loads and like really being like that's legal tender james and me being like oh god why are you saying my name yeah although i did work with somewhere once i can't remember now, but there were name tags that we had to wear, but no one like, there weren't enough printed off for everyone to, but you had to wear a name tag, even if it was just someone else's. So it'd be like,

oh, well, Mike, I think, you know, fuck is Mike. Oh, I'm Mike.

Right. You know, one of those things where you've got to wear a name pad. Like why? It's literally someone else's name. But Richard, that was superb. You know when those things work where you've got to wear a name pad? Like, why? It's literally someone else's name. That's great. But, Richard, that was superb, and I hope it goes some way to sort of dissolving your anger in some way

and making your life a little bit less, well, a little bit more bearable. It's out there in the world now, Richard, and we appreciate it. Thank you for sharing. James, do you have one? Oh, I really do. I do, I do do and this comes in from thomas and thomas's email to say love the show just what i need oh oh thanks and that is just what i need so thank you thomas amen it makes it all worthwhile so i'm glad you're enjoying the

podcast thomas thomas goes on to say i believe the worst person to be marooned with or even share a planet with is the unreasonably reasonable person. There is nothing worse than venting about someone and just wanting someone to say, yeah, they're a dick. But instead they say something to try and get you to see it from the irritating party's point of view. Just with me i think yeah definitely equally irritating has to be the type of person who can't deal with self-service checkouts maybe bags up after paying those types of people are fundamentally infuriating and being on an island and not in tesco's wouldn't help i agree agree with this. Like sometimes, especially now you've got those massive self-service ones. Someone comes through with a trolley, scans every single item and fills the thing without

putting it in a bag and then bags it up. That to me is insane. I've watched it before and I'm like, do you know what's happening right now? It's madness. My local Tesco express has this really annoying thing where it never ever recognizes your bags so you always have to do it afterwards and i'm always so aware that people will hate me and i'm like i hate me guys i hate me too i've tried it doesn't work like and because it's quite a little just you know tesco express there's never enough

people around there you know it means it's like skeleton stuff and you can't get anyone and oh and i i hate being that guy the self-servicing is an entire there's a whole podcast episode in that because like you put the bags on and then it's like oh the item's the wrong way yes because i put a fucking bag on i need to put my shit in there and then it's just like yeah the person has to come over all the time and like put in the code i've often tried to look over their shoulder to see what the code is so i can just like press it and then go one two three four or whatever and do it myself but or just steal the item just fucking take it it's a lime just take the lime just take the lime it's just a fucking lime it's the lime. It's the lime. It's pocket the lime. Leave it in the trolley.

Just pocket the lime. Is that bad? Or is it advocating stealing? I don't know, because I can use the till, but you know. When those self-service checkouts first came out, it was kind of like a new thing.

And I don't think anyone had really got it down yet. I had a friend at university and she always used to go with a bottle of wine and just put it through as potatoes and just like weigh the wine because it would be the same weight as the weighed thing and then put it down and it's like it just registered and that's great you get a lovely bottle of wine so you know go and um go and treat yourselves guys um uh thomas goes on to say also gordon ramsey his shtick is he's better than other people but

he just isn't he also now dresses like he's having a nuclear level mid-crisis sorry a nuclear level midlife crisis he does tiktoks and churns out catchphrases like calling people big boy or donuts he does uh and i just think he'd get right on my week jay rayner does a lovely takedown of Gordon Ramsay in his episode as well. So, yeah, I just think, like, he's obviously a talented guy. And, you know, his restaurants are still really highly regarded, which is quite weird because you just see him as this, like, reality guy now. In the culinary world, he's still sort of very highly thought of.

But, like, he's just such a dick. Like, he's so rude and, you know, I think this is what me and Jay Rainer was saying when he was talking about him. It's like, he'll always go, Oh, you know,

this is the standard. This is what people, this is what it takes to work in a kitchen. It's like, you're in control of how the industry is. You're like right at the top. Just stop being, stop being so fucking rude to people.

And now he's like this sort of like jungle man, you know, he goes on like action adventure shows. Yeah. He's trying to be a bit rugged and tough. He's like, I'm on tour somewhere doing some kind of like, you're like, why? Why are you doing that? Very weird.

He goes on to say, film. He's got like, Thomas has gone all in, by the way. Yeah. And that's fine to do. If you want to email us with a whole list, it's fine. Oh, yeah, I welcome it. Yeah, and Thomas goes on to say, film Marley and Me.

Not because it's bad, it's not brilliant, but it is made solely to emotionally destroy all dog owners. I've never seen Marley and Me. I imagine it's about a dog that dies. It is about a dog that dies, but there's never going to be a time I'm in the mood to watch that. I don't even really like dogs very much,

but I still don't want to, like... Yeah, I still don't want to watch Marley and me. Okay, it goes on to say, song is the Shoop Shoop song, because fuck that song. I don't know what that is. What is the Shoop Shoop song? Oh, is it the Cher one?

Shoop Shoop song. If you want to know, if he loves you so it's in his case oh yeah that's it he says fuck that song I don't have any ill feelings towards that song yeah I find it

pretty vanilla I think after a while it might become quite grating though but look it doesn't have to be what always is. Oh, it's not up to us. Yeah, absolutely. That would make your island a hell.

I don't have a lot to critique it with, but, you know, fair enough. And he finishes off by saying, Animal, flies can get in the bin. I fear wasps, but I've rarely been stung. But flies are infuriating and have the potential to make you ill. He's not wrong oh i hate them and i've talked extensively about maggots on this show and how much i hate them and you know where do they fucking come from bloody flies um thank you very much thomas that was

lovely love those they're good emails yeah thank you thomas and thank you richard for those emails yeah we love those so keep them coming people go to dixpod.com slash contact and uh fill your boots and as we say like it can be anything any category from the normal podcast or you can just go off piste um yeah i was thinking recently uh novelty mugs fucking hate novelty mugs that's great my mum's house recently there's a mug that's been there for was at my mum's house recently and there's a mug that's been there for like 20 years that just says it's like a Christmas themed mug

and it goes a hot drink always tastes better on Christmas Day. And you're like firstly it doesn't and secondly fucking like what this mug is supposed to be used

one day a year. Like oh wait get the Christmasmas mug out from the back of the cup you know what it's so true it is so true a drink always tastes better on christmas day it doesn't it doesn't the only the only useful thing about having a hot drink on christmas day is that it slightly postpones you starting to drink booze. Yes, that's true. That's true.

But then there's always mulled wine at Christmas, Dan. There's always mulled wine at Christmas. Oh, mate, there's so much choice at Christmas. Yeah, it's beautiful. And also, I should say here that you can get us on Instagram and Twitter at Dick's Pod if you don't already. I mean, not loads of gold on there, but you can use it as a conduit to send us your messages for this podcast, should you wish.

Yeah, absolutely. James, it's been a pleasure. As always. Let's do this again one day. Okay, thank you, Dan, and I love you and goodbye. Bye.