Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 35

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

A JUICY episode of Compact Dicks for you this week! Thank you for your submissions - send us more: dickspod.com/contact Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. It's Friday. This is Compact Dicks. Oh, yeah. Hello, everybody. How are we on this lovely Friday? As you might be listening to this at Christmas, but at current, it's very sunny outside and it's a lovely warm day. And both Dan and I are wearing white T-shirts. So that paints a picture for you.

There you go. Yeah. Yeah. I am Dan. The other voice is James. And yeah, if you if you haven't heard this podcast before, this isn't the main Desert Island Dicks. This is Compact Dicks where we get listeners' submissions and we hear about who and what you would hate to be stuck on a desert island with if your plane crashed. We always like to

start these off with some suggestions of our own because we like this opportunity to vent ourselves and we like to imagine that it will give you some uh give you some inspiration for your own choices for the desert island too and so you can get in touch dixpod.com contact with your own suggestions or you can get us on uh instagram or twitter at dixpod and let us know who you wouldn't want to be stuck with on the desert island. Dan, have you got a choice for this week?

Yeah, I have, yeah. I go to the gym fairly regularly. I like going to the gym, but I'm not a fit, buff guy. I just go to the gym. But in my gym, there are a lot of very big hench dudes. Henchmen is the gym. But they're all these really big fit healthy looking guys and uh you know i used to find it slightly intimidating i'm fine with it now but there's

this one guy who is like too too fit and healthy there's like two of them but one of them is like especially insanely ripped like he looks like he could do any sport on earth like he could be a gymnast a wrestler like a bobsleigh guy like he's a sprinter like he's so stacked but also like fast and stuff so he does all these mad workouts and he's like jumping on those boxes and then doing press-ups and jumping somewhere else and like oh come on man he's like this powerful guy anyway like uh last month in in may uh i went with a group of friends and we climbed mount snowden in wales and um yeah you did and it was wonderful but in preparation for that i was like i don't do enough cardio so i'll do some like some like you know the stair machine thing and i and and then i thought okay and i'll do some um

like that was busy i'll go on the treadmill i'll put it at like the full steepness you know the incline and i'll just walk on that for like an hour or something and just get get my legs used to it yeah and as i was doing that i turn around and there's like the super fit guy and he has also got his treadmill on full incline but it's going like, like jogging speed, mate, like a fast jog, maybe even a slow run.

And he's running on it backwards whilst holding dumbbells. No, this is how fit this guy is. Right. So imagine that. So running backwards on a treadmill at full incline, holding dumbbells and his mates on the next machine. And he's just having a chat with him while he's doing it because that ain't

actually, ain't no thing baby is to this guy. That's how fair. And he's just insane. And it doesn't matter what day you're having. Like you just feel like a tiny little worm. Today's my day. I've been down the gym house and I'm like pumped yeah i'm feeling good about myself

but this guy is like i i kind of want to speak to him just like what is all this for like are you just you are you just like an incredibly fit guy or are you are you do you do something else like i'm just fascinated i don't think i've ever seen someone so fit in real life it's insane you've got to find out his name this guy you've got to find out his name and see if he's got a um like a instagram account or something surely he's doing it for something there's got to be a reason if only there was a way of like approaching a stranger and asking them for their instagram account because they look really fit that didn't sound weird hey man yeah you look great yeah just i want to find out some more about you Instagram account because they look really fit that didn't sound weird.

Hey man. Yeah, you look great. Yeah, just I want to find out some more about you. Yeah. Imagine. Imagine if then he starts following you around the gym. Just carrying me around the gym. Run faster. Come on. This is fun.

Whee! Just on his shoulders. On his shoulders on his shoulders while he's running backwards on the treadmill on an incline you know Mad Max beyond Thunderdome there's like a huge big thing and there's this little person that lives on his shoulders

there'll be you you walk over and he rolls his eyes and he goes, come on. And then he's like, and then he's jumping board on his shoulders. This is great. Okay, yeah. It would be awkward to be on the desert island

with someone that you just feel inferior on the daily basis. It'd be useful, but you'd always just feel like, just feel shit compared to him. So yeah, it's my insecurities really, but you know, it's too distracting. What's funny is mine and your choices align in some ways. OK, so my choice for this week,

and I was thinking, like, more about the desert island and about how the time on the island could be the most uncomfortable. And it could be. At first, I did imagine this person to be extremely hench, like a big, well-built person. I was thinking like a Dwayne the Rock Johnson size, kind of level of size. But I also think they could just be any size.

And my choice would be an extremely intimidating person, but from like a dangerous standpoint. so like if you're on an island and you just like you're talking to someone you're like i don't think i can trust this person so like you're on edge the entire time to watch your back so like you're trying to go to sleep at night and you're like are they gonna kill me and so like in the day they're dropping in little hints it's just like like they're dropping in little hints like um about you going to sleep that night or like wouldn't it be better on the island if it was only me and not you and then doesn't say anything else to you that day i at first yeah i thought it

would be a hench person but it could be anyone you know you've been in those situations where someone introduces you to someone or you're like in the pub and you're you're a bit loose and you're just like hey man you're right yeah you're chatting to someone and then all of a sudden they're quite intimidating you think yeah i'd hate to be on edge the entire time one of the most intimidating people i ever met was not a big person but he was terrifying and we were in a pub near work and he just it was like a friday afternoon i bumped off a bit early went to the pub and i think he just got out of prison he was telling us'd just got out of prison. He was telling us he'd just got out of prison,

which like, I'm not, like, obviously people do time for all kinds of reasons. And they come out and they change people and whatever. This guy had like an extreme cocaine energy about him. Oh, wow. You imagine like Johnny Vaughn, if like he'd gone down a different path and become like

quite an aggressive sort of you know that sort of Johnny Vaughn cocaine energy mixed with a sort of football hooligan and like

he wasn't particularly big but he was so intimidating that like he just sort of latched onto our table and sat down and we were all kind of smiling along

as he told us mad shit and then he went to the toilet and we all just ran away i think so like didn't even finish our drinks we were like we just had to run away because he was so scary but yeah not a big guy but terrifying so i not a dissimilar situation that me and my wife we were out for our wedding anniversary the other month and um uh some of the like our parents were babysitting we went out for a meal before we went for a meal we went for a drink at like a nice bar on the way

having a nice drink outside it was just getting sunny like last month and um this guy comes over and he's chatting and he's a really friendly guy and he's sitting obviously there on his own finishing his pint and get on to like just chatting away and it's quite a small town everyone's kind of like quite laid back and um he's asking the odd bit of information about us like as a couple or whatever and we're like oh it's our anniversary actually and he was like well i'll get you guys a drink and then we were like oh you really don't have to do that and he was like oh no no no i'd love to like what are you drinking and so we're like wow okay well that's very kind of you okay and he was like i'm just gonna leave my stuff here like on this table and he had like an ipad or whatever as soon as he

gets up to go into the bar one of the bar staff comes out out and it's just like are you okay and we were like yeah we just checked that guy like you like what why have you come over and they were like because he's been going around and like talking to different groups of people, intimidating them all day. And we were just thinking like, what's going on here? Has the intimidator, it's like, does he get the drink and ties you in and something?

And they were like, yeah, there's some rumour that he's been in prison, like similarly to yours. So he's been in prison or whatever. So we're sat there and we're like, this guy's gone to get us a drink. He's left his stuff on the table. And thankfully one of the bar staff was like,

was like, was like, was like, we were like, well, he's left his stuff there. And they were like, look,

I work here. I'll stay at the table. You guys just go. So basically we just got up and got out of there. But what were we about to be coerced into? I don't know, but very interesting. Very interesting.

Yeah. You should have stayed. I know. Well,ced into? I don't know, but very interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, you should have stayed. I know. Well, should I? I don't know. Could have been your lodger by now. Well, yeah, maybe. Could have had a babysitter on tap. Yeah, a babysitter ready to go.

But anyway, yes, so that would be my choice for the desert islander. Yeah, just an intimidating guy fair enough james you know what before we get into some listener submissions i think it's time to hear from the man who knows this podcast better than even us ourselves yeah uh it's your father mr john deacon esquire hi james Dan, well brilliant episode this week Dan with comedian Paul Foot. I watched a couple of his YouTube clips and they were brilliant, very funny guy, brilliant episode, well done. My first recommendation this week is somebody that's popped up on my Dick's Pod radar a couple of times this week and that is comedian and author Zing Tseng. Zing chose Matt Hancock

and Mr Blobby in my opinion they're one and the same person that's a great little episode. Just recently I've been listening to a podcast on BBC Sounds called Welcome to the Neighbourhood now this is hosted by comedian Jade Adams. Now Jade was actually our 100th contributor to Desert Island Dicks. She tells a brilliant anecdote about the fact that she went for the part in Cats that Rebel Wilson got. That's a brilliant little story. Coincidentally, Zing chose Cats as her film.

Also, Jade chose her partner, one of her dicks, Richard Wilson, who's a comedian who's also been on the pod, and his episode as well is a brilliant episode. On Welcome to the Neighbourhood, Jade has had quite a few contributors who have been on Desert Island Dicks, and those are a couple of other recommendations I'd like to talk about. Firstly, I'd like to recommend Tanya Moore's episode. Now, Tanya, she chose Jedward, who's probably everybody's dick or a pair of dicks, but she also chose the American rapper Flava Flav. Now, on a personal note,

we went to, when we was in America with the family, we watched a bit of American TV and she speaks about a program that Flavor Flav was in where girls had to or he had to choose a girl to be his partner and that's a very cringeworthy that's a brilliant episode Tanya's but next I'd like to recommend Fatia Al Gore's episode she chose David Dickinson and Joe Wicks, who I think are one and the same person. One's an older version of the other one,

in my opinion, and she also chose the singer Sunita. Her story's a great, very funny episode. So my recommendations for this week are Zing Zeng's episode from the 7th of July 2020, Jade Adams' episode from the 1st of June 2020, Tanya Moore's episode from the 5th of January 2021 and Fatih El Ghori's episode from the 18th of April 2022.

But a little footnote there also to catch Rich Wilson's episode from the 19th of January 2020 as well so I hope you enjoy cheers bye and there we have it Jade Adams has got a podcast out

she's doing it we're doing it she's been on our podcast and she's got guests from this podcast on her podcast Thank you again John as always for your hard work and custodianship of the archive I would go back as well

to listen because that marked the 100th episode and I had someone get in touch actually on Instagram so you can get us at in touch actually on Instagram. So you can get us at Dickspod on Instagram. Someone called Jack got in touch on there to say, hey guys, I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan of the show.

Listen to the 100th episode today. So that ties in nicely. And he said, if you guys ever decide to have listeners on the show, hit me up. I'm a hateful little fuck and I have so many people I decide to have listeners on the show hit me up i'm a hateful little fuck and i have so many people i'd love to shove on that island keep up the great work well well well we have noted that and you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds

of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Thank you, Jack. And what we want is more hateful little fucks on the show.

Maybe that will be the catalyst for us setting up a phone number that people can WhatsApp voice note us their choices for use on this podcast. I wonder if people would be interested in that. Let us know at Dickspod on Twitter and Instagram or dickspod.com slash contact. Right, Dan, on that note, I have an email here. Should I read you that email? I'm itching to hear it. This email comes in from Frank.

And Frank says, great podcast, by the way. His first choice is a Dirk VW. I think Frank is from Belgium. Yeah, he says, the worst boss I ever had, a Belgian version of David Brent. He actually was a spitting image of David Brent. Wonder if Gervais was not inspired by him. I don't know whether he would have seen him.

But yes, I think we've all had David Brent type bosses or no David Brent type people, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm very lucky in that I have the nicest boss in the entire world. He used to be your boss as well, James. He used to be my boss. He is a lovely, lovely man. And it makes such a difference. Just having a bad boss just makes all of your work a terrible thing.

It's just like a stress in your life that you don't need to have. It's unbelievable how much difference to your life having a shitty manager can make. Oh my god, yeah. Because I have had some shit ones before. But the boss that we shared is a boss that I shall treasure.

We should get the embroidery of that done so we can hang it up in our hallway. And his second choice is Liz Truss. Oh, good. No explanation needed, I guess. Yeah. I keep forgetting about her. Then she keeps popping up again.

And it's like, sorry, are you fucking kidding me? Do you think that anyone's listening to your opinion right now? You know, she's like occasionally trying to claw her way back in. Here's what I think. It's like, look, we all know that ex-prime ministers do that thing of chipping up with opinion pieces now and again. And like, it's annoying when Tony Blair does does it it's annoying when all the others do it like are you out of your fucking mind it was like last summer no one knows who you are prime minister for six weeks last year and you think now's the time to come back i'm like here's my

thoughts like fuck off maybe she's just like because that probably was the longest six weeks of her life maybe she just doesn't really realize it was such a short period i mean i think a lot of people have probably reminded her but yeah it probably felt like a lot longer than six weeks the thing is where do you go from there do you know i mean i'm like i'm not completely cooed up on politics but like like what do you do after that? Like, it's such an embarrassing spell as prime minister. It's like, what's your next move? Do you know what I mean? I mean, you didn't stop Matt Hancock from, I know he wasn't prime minister,

but to fuck everything up so badly and then think, yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll just go on, I'm a celebrity. Yeah. There's weird things like Tony Blair managed to invade Iraq on spurious grounds, but then managed to be Middle East peace envoy to the UN or something like that. But you're like, how the fuck have you gone from making a war in the Middle East to becoming a peace envoy or a special correspondent to the Middle East or something like that? It's like, how the fuck did you do that?

So I wouldn't be surprised if she manages to bounce back into some cushy number i do kind of get it in a way have you ever looked at a job description and been like oh yeah you know i'm not quite right for the job but i'll just go for it anyway i'll black it i mean he's just looked at that and gone hopefully they just won't check yeah is that my friend graduated with a geography degree and like the first job he applied for was like a head town planner or something what are you doing you have no you know nothing about town planning you've got a geography degree come on and so his final choice is going to be cousin greg from succession now i haven't watched succession but i imagine many people are so you might understand why frank has put him on there but he says he annoyed me since the very first episode.

Might change because I've only started season three, but don't want to risk it. Yeah, I mean, we're both quite badly placed to comment on that one. I was going to start watching Succession because I thought it's three series, right? It's achievable, not like Breaking Bad where you've got loads to get through.

But then I was at my mum's and she was watching the penultimate episode and I was kind of sitting there with headphones in in case I end up watching it. From what little I saw, I just thought, I think this is just going to be so stressful and just about such horrible people and I'm going to feel so disillusioned with the world afterwards. Despite doing this podcast, I try and keep myself in a fairly fluffy bubble. Yeah, I do. When we're debating watching a film or watching a TV programme, doing this podcast i try and keep myself in a fairly fluffy bubble yeah i do i'm like when we're debating like watching a film or watching a tv program we really have to check the like

the reviews in the comments to make sure it's not going to make me sad but i would say actually just to um we obviously know nothing about succession but if you do then um some friends of ours jeff lloyd and sarah barron they have got a podcast called fire crotch and normcore um that is very much about succession and uh and i will point you in the direction of that for your succession podcast fix yeah why not yeah fucking go for it go for it i've got an email james oh i'm so pleased you have an email could you uh read that email to me so I'm gonna read it it comes from Claire and she says hi jam master James and DJ Danny B I know you can you can make it up straight away I'll hop to a winner I like that hi yeah I'm I'm

really into this she says the person I'd like to nominate is says, the person I'd like to nominate is someone... Sorry. The person I'd like to nominate is someone who'd be awful to be stuck on a desert island with would be people who stay with you and then wake up too early. So it's great having... Oh, this is good. This is great. It's great having people to stay. But sometimes when they wake up too soon,

it just gives you more to do before you've had a chance to wake up properly. I suppose they're thinking it seems rude to stay in bed for ages when you're up and they're staying in your home. I just need some time to get some caffeine in me, sort the kids out and wake up a bit before I can see to the needs of a guest. Oh, yes. If they were to get up and run out and grab a load of pastries or something, then obviously I'm fine with it. But usually a guest getting up means conversation, making breakfast and that sort of thing. Just to be clear, I want to emphasize that I really like hosting and having people to stay. I'm probably the dick for this, but I just need more time in the morning.

So please, if you're staying at mine, have a long lie in, please. Oh, yeah, I love that. I love that i love that i i i understand i totally understand and actually i had a couple friends stay the other week and they were extremely hung over but they didn't get up until like 11 o'clock and the kids got me up obviously at stupid kid time um and i think my wife helped with some of the heavy lifting in the morning but it was just great to have that window of opportunity just to sort the kids out. The kids have had breakfast, right? Happy days, their dress or whatever.

And then my friends kind of emerged. And at that point, I was very ready to say, does everyone want a bacon sandwich? Do you know what I mean? It was just like, mwah, perfect timing. Because on a weekend, I'll get the kids up and I'll make sure they're fed. But I'll just kind of sit there with a cup of tea for ages just oh yeah staring at your phone scrolling yeah yeah and uh yeah and then it's like oh now i'm gonna make conversation with you i can't even make conversation with with a six-year-old about something that's really easy to talk about so

yeah how am i going to talk about grown-up shit but the only exception is if like on now sometimes uh since we moved house on New Year's, a couple of years, we've had like our friends and their kids around. So then like the kids kind of look after each other and we can kind of get drunk and there's enough pairs of hands that you don't have to do that much.

So that morning, I definitely want someone getting up with me like on New Year's Day. I better not be the one up with all the kids when everyone else is in bed. 100% agree. But overall overall that is an excellent choice i think yeah thank you claire and uh obviously me and james are going to go deed poll straight away and change our names to to those names that you suggested so thank you yeah i will yeah. So this kind of concludes the podcast. Yes, it does.

And we would love more submissions from you. So get in touch, dickspod.com slash contact or at dickspod on Twitter and Instagram. Slide into our DMs, tell us who and what you find to be a dick and we'll do another one soon. Yeah, and just a final thought is that I think over the next couple of months, next few weeks, you might see the extra episode of Desert Island X going out in the week.

So we'll work out what we do compactics-wise, whether they go out earlier in the week or we skip a week on these and put out more episodes. But with the lead- up to Edinburgh Festival, we'd like to highlight a few more comedians that you should perhaps go and see. So you might see a few more episodes pop up in your feed. So make sure you've subscribed for those. Yeah, exactly.

There's loads of great comedians who are doing work in progress shows at the minute in the lead up to Edinburgh. So even if you're not going up there, hopefully we'll highlight some funny ones and you can go and check out their shows before they go up there. Oh we'll highlight some funny ones and you can go and check out their, their shows before they go up there. Oh, look at that. That was like actually information for people at the end.

Um, there's only one thing left to say then. And I guess that thing is bye. Bye. I'll see you next time.