Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 4

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

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inspiration these holidays, gift theable with Mark Jacobs. Hello, James. Hi, Dan. dan how you doing um yeah it doesn't matter how are you doing i'm fine hey look let's not go people don't care how we are this is compact dicks and we need to introduce it properly this time because i think previously we just rolled in and not really told everyone what's going on this is the short version of desert island dicks so normally desert island dicks we get a guest on we hear about all the worst people and things they could be stuck on an island with but this time it is down to you the listener it's compact dicks a shortened amended abridged version powered by listeners dan that was really good thanks i loved that a lot do you know what dan i'm going to start this episode by bigging you up yeah i

listened to beardy man episode from this week earlier and dan i've got to say you were very funny on it i think this is just because before we started recording i told you that my boiler's broken and my house is full of damp and i can't sell it and i think but i mean this is making me feel better so i don't care no i messaged you earlier to say it too before i knew about your damp and your boiler it's kind it is kind thank you thank you but hey look this time we're going to get stuck into some listeners dicks we're going to grab listeners dicks with both hands and we're going to wobble them around a bit for everyone to enjoy until we get a result that we're looking for it's 2020 you've got to have your own opinion that's how it works these days this is if this

is the first time you've ever listened to this if you've clicked on and thought oh that looks short i'll listen to that as an entryway this isn't normally how it is normally it's dan and a guest talking about their choices for people that they wouldn't want to be stuck with on a desert island we've opened it up to you the listener and this is where in a very short podcast we read out those messages yeah so let's let's uh let's delve straight in shall we yeah dan i think this week i know we normally start with emails i'm going to start with a couple that we got on instagram it's 2020 social media is a thing these days and i'm i'm into it okay

this is good right i think um so if people want to follow us it's at dicks pod on instagram and twitter this was sent in by jamie and jamie said hi guys love your podcast thanks thank you the dick i would like to put on an island is an overbearing manager who hurries around saying how can i support you as you are pulling your hair out with the workload you ask them to help and the dicks they just delegate the very issue you have back to you usually followed by a pathetic compliment of just how great you are yeah but i think we can all relate to this sort of thing i mean like the ones who are sort of outwardly hey anything i can do to help but when you ask for help it just doesn't i've had it before where you

kind of a manager's like look you know if you're finding things difficult just uh pull me aside we'll have a chat and and i've done that and they've gone okay well uh yeah i think you're doing fine so uh just carry on i'm like no the reason i'm talking to you is because we're not doing fine and everything's going to shit help me out and they go yeah that's great i love that you feel you can chat to me and then they just walk off and it's fucking useless no way what whoa what's going on here i know empty promises um yeah to say that though i have had you know some managers are the complete opposite you know you get some lovely ones too um dan hey what podcast are you doing here james come on this isn't like caveat for all the nice managers out here this is compact dicks yes this is talking about the shit managers okay yeah true we've all

had that on the island you're on the island james you're busting your ass you've got you can't build a shelter and get all the fucking firewood dry and ready for the fire you're no one's helping he's just overseeing you going okay guys how's everything going you okay over there let me know if i can help me like i'm gonna let you know you can help and he's gone okay yeah that's great just uh you start off by doing exactly what you're doing but uh let me know if i could help forever this is what we're talking about god dan i haven't hosted the podcast in so long i've forgotten how you do this but you've put me right back on track and i appreciate it you need your boiler to go wrong to give you a bit of spite we've got another one and this one's

very interesting lean in so i got this message came through on instagram i thought this is interesting it's kind of like an anonymous instagram there's no followers and they've done no post and it reads like this hi this is an old account and i would like to keep this anonymous because i don't usually do things like this but since i love you guys so much i thought i'd give it a go but please if you use the use mine in a compact star star star star yeah i don't swear please don't say my name trusting yeah so i have one for technology dicks yes they don't swear, so they haven't said it. No, I'm just filling in the blanks.

But the other week we asked for technology-themed dicks. Yeah. And now I think it's probably not technology. But oh well. Yeah, I think that's fine. Showers. Why on earth can you never get the right temperature? It's like if it's a bit too hot,

you walk out like you ever had a full body wax. And if you move the temp like one below, you get this weird thing when your back just kind of curves. Because apparently messing up my posture keeps me warm because it's flipping freezing. Yeah. I don't quite understand that. But I suppose the gist is showers can be a pain in the arse. Is that the gist? I think someone just wants to have a rant about a shower.

Yeah, but when you get the right temperature and then some idiot decides to take a dump, so then you end up jumping out of the shower like you're running for your life. So then when the floor's wet and everything's just miserable... Yeah, so if you see this, thanks for listening. And I'm not sure if it's classed as a technology one but i just needed to rant i think it's technology in that it's i mean it's something that we have now that you didn't have a long time ago so it's a sort of i mean it's like a modern convenience can be very roughly grouped into technology i think showers it's that thing of

like if you're in anywhere else but your house your own house and you go stay anywhere else it's like cracking the enigma code trying to get the sort of biting point right of like heat versus cold yes in your own house you're just like click click click done you know and it's like anyone else's house or like you know you know, if someone's staying at your house, you sort of almost want to run it for them to get it just right. Because you're like, I know what's going to happen here. It's like this thing. It almost makes you not want to move house ever.

Just because you know you're going to have to have that weird month at the beginning where you can't quite crack it. Yeah, I remember being at a friend's house when I was a kid and he was just like, I've said it to the right right bit don't touch it because it's hairline and i was like okay me not knowing what he fully meant just like a teenager i got in i was like it's all right but it could be a bit hotter right i just literally tapped the thing and my whole body was just scalded top to bottom how can they be i don't understand it's like mixing water from two taps right from a hot and a cold how can there be like such a tiny degree of adjustment and like power showers i always find it weird when you

have to turn on a shower with a button that feels very yes i don't like that i don't know why it feels wrong to like press a button and water happens yeah and it's just like also it goes like and you can hear it like sucking the water out the taps which i think is a bit weird as well yeah yeah okay yeah good one anonymous person showers fuck showers fuck showers at Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices.

Sierra, let's get moving. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward. vaping awkward isn't it most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment know the real cost of vapes brought to you by the fda okay um i've got one here um this is a lovely one this is from pablo uh he says how do chaps my dick is a dick that made me feel like a dick but is also a celebrity dick encounter a certain mr richard whiteley do you remember him off countdown yes about 17 years ago i was traveling up to edinburgh on the train and due to a fault, everyone had to get off at Berwick-upon-Tweed station while we waited for a replacement train. As I hovered about, I noticed the aforementioned countdown host

leaning against a wall. As a precocious young chap, I approached him and gave him the standard I'm a big fan, etc, etc, hoping to get an autograph. But then I noticed the time. Ten minutes to countdown coming on the telly that day so i went for a cheeky gag crikey is that the time you're going to be late for countdown he gave me a withering look the memory of which still chills me to my very core and said it's pre-recorded obviously and then he then turned his back to me. As I mentioned, he was leaning against a wall.

So by turning his back, he ended up facing the wall. After a few seconds of looking at his back, which felt much longer, I realised that it was him indicating to me it was the end of our interaction and I should walk away. So I did. Now, I know that by picking a dead man as my dick i'm probably the dick here and believe you me he certainly made me feel like one however i think he could have at least offered a fake laugh in response to my innocent jape i've been told he

was actually a very nice guy but to me due to the due to this exchange he will always be a dick i love that pablo pablo that is so good i love a real true life story and it doesn't matter if they're nice to everyone else that is what sticks in your mind yeah there's um to sort of tease to a future episode of desert island dicks uh i've recently recorded one with a comedian marlon davis and we talk about exactly this thing of like awkward celebrity encounters and just how how impossible it is to not feel like a dick when you meet someone famous because everything you say just feels awkward and and also like for their point of view how easy it is to be a dick as well just by sort of not being in the mood but i think that's perfect all right and i

love finding out people like that who seem so warm and cuddly with dicks i mean it's just i don't really find it satisfying my favorite bit is the attempt to turn his back on him and then he's just facing the wall but he's just got to commit to it such an alan partridge style move isn't it it's amazing i can really picture him and he's like he's in a trench coat with lovely shiny shoes on and he's turned his back and he's facing the wall. His shoes would be shiny, wouldn't they? It's perfect. Lovely. That's great. OK, I've got another one here. And this one's from Chris Phillips and it says, and it reads, I was struggling to think of someone to nominate after the pilot, but halfway through the first proper show, pow, I nominate anyone who dismisses people they don't agree with with blanket terms like snowflake or boomer.

To use such absurd terms as some sort of proof that a person is not worth listening to. I like this a lot. Yeah. Whether you're tweeting from the top of your penny farthing in Shoreditch or midway through your daily Wetherspoons fry-up by attacking the individual with those stupid terms, you're just being ignorant and making society worse. Yuck. Get on an island.

Chris, that is solid stuff. Yeah. I mean, I think, obviously, you know, you could boil down what we do here on the podcast as just, you know, peddling hate. But I think at the core of it is, you know you could boil down what we do here on the podcast is just you know peddling hate but i think at the core of it is you know the there's the idea that it would be better if we weren't all dicks and let's have a listen to you know each other's opinion very very broadly that's what i think it's about dan have you got another one yes i do yes here we go hang on a minute it is from joe joe says love the podcast always brings a smile when i listen to you guys thank you thank you very much joe he says my people to put on the island

is not individuals but the group of people that when you're having a conversation with somebody else will insist on starting their sentence by saying well actually and then have the compulsive need to tell you the exact figure or any fact that they happen to know. It's like, mate, fuck off. I'm having a conversation with someone else. You're not involved. I feel they were born just to go around correcting people

when it's not wanted. You'd be figuring out how to survive and they'd just go on about how long you could survive for. I'd be like, listen, cunt, that's not the priority here. I like that a lot that's really good no yeah i mean that's annoying a social situation or a party but in a in a survival situation i mean that's just yeah horrendous yeah that'd be very very annoying so thank you everybody who sent in some dicks for this week and um obviously we always want to

receive your dicks we have our arms wide open waiting to receive your dicks so you can email them to us uh dixpod.com slash contact yeah go to dixpod.com slash contact there's a little contact form on there and that gets sent to us stick your dicks in there you can literally just write your own name if you want us to just call you a dick on here that's fine also um we're looking for people and things that you'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island we're looking for your funniest stories interesting times when you may have met someone all that kind of stuff uh send it in via that form on dixpod.com contact or you can get in touch with us on twitter and instagram um at dixpod and you can just go there and um we like to sort of uh you know because sometimes it can be a bit broad just thinking of all the things in the world that you hate so if if you want to get involved, but you can't quite narrow it down,

you need a little steer, we were thinking next week, we'd like to hear stories in particular on annoying theme tunes, theme tune dicks. So it's like a subcategory of the song dick genre. What made you think of this, Dan? So as I mention frequently in the podcast, and you have before when you've been hosting it we have small children and um the pain of having small children who get really into a particular tv show that's just really great so you've mentioned before um a thing a video on on

netflix called little baby bum which is like nursery rhymes for kids but really sort of out of tune flat singing and i woke up this morning he hasn't even watched it my son for months but i still just got one of those songs stuck in my head all morning it was just unbearable and then he wanted to watch something on iplayer which i actually quite like so i said okay that's cool but you know at the end of a thing and it flashes up other things they might like there's this awful thing that some parents might be familiar with called baby jake and it's got an incredibly annoying theme tune and he's a bit too old for it anyway my son but you know sometimes they will kind of go oh i want that baby one again yeah and it's just and it's like the theme tune sung by like a five-year-old. And it's just, I'm not even going to sing it, but it's horrendous.

But there's so many theme tunes that are like just annoying. Or it could be one that everyone likes, but just does your head in for whatever reason. Take the ball and run with it. Yeah, looking forward to that. Also, as a reminder, I said it at the start of the podcast but this isn't the usual podcast if you're enjoying this and you like people ranting about stuff go through the rest of the Desert Island Dicks episodes and what I would say to people as a reminder is that each episode is standalone so you don't have to have listened to all of them or or any of the episodes in order. Just flick through, pick one at random or choose a name that you recognise from the list and enjoy.

And then go from there. Some are with me, some are with James. That's how we do it. Anyway, I think that's it from us for Compact Dicks this week. We'll be back on Monday with a new episode of Desert Island Dicks. Guest TBC, be back on monday with a new episode of desert island dicks uh guest tbc because i don't know who we're gonna edit and put out yet who knows great enjoy okay bye bye I'll see you next time.